Never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die...

Ouch, moan, whimper. Damn my menstrual cycle.

I have been a busy bee. Well, a busy Korfing bee. I haven't actually done any useful university type work since Thursday. There was a league match on Thursday- Keele 1 vs Keele 2, which was never going to work out too well since we don't actually have enough players for both teams to play at the same time. Both had to play a man down, and so i ended up playing for Keele 2. We lost inevitably- but i scored twice- woop! We only lost by one goal. Maz came up to visit on Friday and there was another league match but i didn't play. We went to Roo's for belated birthday takeaway and Bill Bailey instead. Much fun was had. Saturday was the Manchester Warriors Christmas tournament, which we came last in, in true Keele style. It was quite a fun day though, nice and chilled out, which made a change from most of the tournaments. Becca was her usual annoying, pathetic, immature self but Gill was in a reasonably ok mood so i was not too irritated by them. Spent most of the day chatting to Dave, who is one of Roo's PGCE housemates and who plays for Castle. He came to the tourny with us as we only had two other boys going, and he drove, which was nice of him. I've decided he's pretty cool. I've only briefly spoken to him before really. Yesterday was another league match, Keele 2 vs Castle 3... again i had to play for Keele 2, as in fact did most of Keele 1, as they have no players... We played a man down in my division, which was hard work. And we lost anyway. Recurring theme here...

I really am becoming a Korfball bore... Sigh.

I need to do some revision. I've only revised one lecture so far, despite my best laid plans. Oh well. Only three more sleeps til the holidays! (Maybe two, i haven't decided if i'm going to the Castle Christmas tournament yet...)

Ouch.

You Sir, are a cock.

The Boy, being the fool that he is, is working in retail again. Which means that for the rest of December, and most of January, he has to work 6 days a week. He is meant to be working two out of the three remaining Sundays of December. Annoyingly the one he has off is this week, when i am still at uni and won't be able to see him anyway. The two he has to work, are while i am at home, which means i will hardly see him at all. He tried to swap so that he was working this Sunday, but his FUCKING STUPID BASTARD of a CUNTFACE of a NOBCHEESE of a boss won't let him.

HMPH.

Under the Weather

There are two cases of Stella Artois in the kitchen, which implies that i will not be getting much sleep tonight. Joy.

I am feeling pretty low at the moment, hence why i haven't really bothered writing, as it would only be depressing rubbish that noone wants to read.

I don't know why i'm feeling so down. I spent a lot of time at home this weekend- it was more of a long weekend really; Thursday to Monday. I skived a couple of lectures to do so, which i ended up feeling immensely guilty about. The anticipation of coming back was just awful. There's no reason why though. I have finished my essays and my project methods section, so have no assessed work left to do. Just the prospect of revision looming. I don't mind revising that much, so i don't know what my problem is really! I just want to be at home with my Boy. I think thats the crux of the matter. The extent to which i want to spend time with him is just ridiculous. I miss him almost constantly. I love him so much. Sob.

I'm such a clingy and demanding girlfriend, its really quite bad.

I think its just end of semester syndrome. I haven't spent a proper bulk of time with him for a while, which makes me forget how annoying he can get after a while... hehe. I need to top up my Wayne levels. The holidays are in ten days time, and i can't wait! I'm really looking forward to it. Not just the seeing him, but seeing Mum and the sisters too, and just generally lazing around and being festive. I have an exam on the first day back though, which is immensely annoying as it means i will actually have to do some work over the holidays.

Mummy Spencer bought some of my Christmas presents this weekend :)

I am currently agonising over an outfit for The Boy's work Christmas meal/ party. I don't know why its so important to me that his co-workers think i am attractive and fashionable... but it is damnit! I have so far discovered nothing worthy of projecting my uber-gorgeous girlfriend image however. Tres stressful!

I am quite in love with this but i don't know if i'd a) be brave enough to wear it, and b) look immensely overdressed in it if i did. It looks pretty rubbish with jeans, so i'd have to wear tights and heels. And i am loathe to do that. Plus its expensive. Plus i'd blatantly hardly ever wear it. I am also quite in love with this Which is cheap. But not quite dressy enough, i feel. Decisions decisions.

Perhaps i will wear an existing outfit and use the money to have my hair cut. It is a frightful mess at the moment. I hate in-betweeny hair. But i am determined not to give in and lop it off again. I will regain my flowing locks! Katie Holmes has a nice new hair-cut. But i don't think Toni&Guy can give me the face to match the hair, which is always disappointing.

Anyway. I should go do something useful. Joy.

Sob...

Am feeling all abandoned and alone. Boy has just left after a far too short weekend, Katie is at home and Roo is with Rob and not replying to me texts, as usual...

The weekend has been fun. Friday i had a Korf match against Castle 3, which we lost, of course... But i got Girl Of the Match! Woohoo! It probably helped that my best friend was ref-ing, but whatever...

Korf Quote of the week: (to my attacker, from the Castle 3 captain) "NO, she's too fast for that!"

Ha, as if!

After the match, Boy arrived, which is always lovely. We finished the conversation i regretfully started. I'm not sure i'm happy about the answer yet, but we'll see.

Saturday night was the Eris gig at The Rigger. Muchos fun; although Roo didn't turn up in the end, predictably, and Ann didn't seem to enjoy herself very much at all. Me and Katie had fun though! I was far too drunk. I woke up with a full face of make-up on this morning, which is always a good indicator...

Rory and Emma stayed over last night after the gig in a Holiday-Inn type place, so we all met up again this afternoon for Sunday lunch in the pub. Even though we ended up in Wetherspoons, it was surprisingly tasty.

Then The Boy had to leave. I realise that i probably only seem to use this diary to moan about missing him... but... i really do miss him already! It seems to get harder everytime i have to leave him. I am so over this long distance bollocks.

Sex was difficult this weekend. Am considering visiting the doctors, even though its more like a mental institute i need.

I should be finishing my essays etc, but i really can't be arsed doing anything other than feel sorry for myself at the moment.

Euch...

Kettle Chips really don't agree with me...

Which is interesting because i can eat normal crisps just fine. And Kettle Chips are meant to be all wholesome and lovely.

Apparently my body is ok with genetically modified, chemically sprayed crap...

Phew...

You'll be glad to know i'm no longer being 15. Today i have put on 3 coats of mascara and straightened my hair, and now all is right with the world.

Incidentally, i spent thirteen quid on Urban Decay Big Fatty mascara the other weekend, as my MAC one has run out, and i must say; I Am Not That Impressed. My eyelashes are still distinctly anorexic, and its a bitch to put on. Tres annoying.

I have started a conversation with The Boy which i am distinctly beginning to regret. Its not often that he acts as though he is insecure. He is definitely the most confident and outgoing person i've ever met. And he always seems rather sure of himself. But i think i might have started something... whoopsy...

Its sleazy Mike's birthday tonight and so we are going out for a few beverages. I'm not particularly looking forward to it. I don't really know any of Mike's friends apart from the Korfers, so i have a feeling its going to be a little dull. Plus Mike's girlfriend Trudi is coming, and she is one of those girlfriends who gets twitchy if anything with a vagina so much as breathes near her boyfriend... And she's ignorant to boot. Though how someone with a name like Trudi can feel superior to anyone is a mystery to me...

Anyway. Should be essaying.

OMGZ

This is going to be an incredibly self indulgent, adolescent post, and therefore i strongly advise you to stop reading now.

I hate my face
I hate my hair
I hate my body
I hate my clothes
I hate my ignorant so-called friends
I hate the fact that certain people think i'm some kind of social retard
I hate Keele
I hate long distance relationships
I hate the fact that my brain doesn't work properly
I hate being bored

Sleeeepy...

I'm so unbelievably tired today, i just can't motivate myself to do anything. Am contemplating going back to bed, but that would be a bit naughty...

Home was lovely, but then i had to come back here which was a tad depressing. I think Fake-Cough has actually just moved in now, for fucks sake.

The Korf Regionals were on Saturday. We came last! Gill acted appaulingly, i can't even begin to describe how ridiculously immature she was about the whole thing- there was confrontation... it wasn't good. Tempers were a little frayed on account of the 5am start and the getting lost trying to find Leeds University Sports centre and the having our asses kicked in Every Single Match. We spent a good part of the morning screaming at each other, but by the afternoon everyone chilled out a bit, accepted the fact that we never stood a chance of winning, and just had a laugh.

The whole day was made all the more irritating, due to the fact that The Boy was in London with Karlos, and i wasn't. Hmph.

Last night me, Gill, Becca, Roo, Rob and Katie went to see Ollie's play at the union. Ollie is one of the Fresher's from Korfball. He's a bit shy and retiring, a bit nerdy, sheltered... He is however, unebelievably dedicated to the club. Whenever we ask him to tournaments, matches, socials, whatever, he always turns up. He is also in the drama society, hence the play. I felt like we owed him a favour, he has been going on about this play for months, and so I spent most of yesterday bullying people in coming to see it. The play is called "Brothers", and is about two brothers (surprisingly) who work for a London Kingpin importing cocaine from Columbia, and i was actually pleasantly surprised. I was prepared to be bored to tears for two hours, but it was quite engaging. A bit violent. But good nonetheless. Ollie played a very un-Ollie-ish character, which was most amusing.

After the play Katie and i met Ann for hot chocolate. Whenever i see Ann i instantly feel guilty for neglecting her, because she actually is incredibly funny and sweet. We do always seem to end up talking about NiceDave though, which slightly disturbs me... We had a good old bitch about NightLine, who are apparently treating everyone like shit, so its not just me. Always good to know. I actually e-mailed to quit a couple of weeks ago, since it had been almost 8 weeks or something ridiculous since i was "suspended", but they had not actually bothered to do anything to resolve the situation. Noone has had the decency to reply to me so far. Which only serves to prove my point really. If they can't be arsed to deal with me, then i can't be arsed to work for them anymore.

Other than that, i spent most of my time working really. After my extended trip home, i was consumed by nervous guilt and so have been determined to be a productive little me ever since. I have finshed my Neuroscience essay and am midway through my Clinical Pathology essay, which is a much more nitty-gritty little detaily science essay, and so is rather dull. But still, nearly done! Then i'm going to start doing some background reading, since i have done none at all this semester, and i'm sure Roo was doing loads this time last year... whoopsy.

I am currently stuck in the middle of a Ruth and Katie snipe-fest, which is slightly disconcerting. They are fine around each other, but when i am alone with either of them, i have to listen to them gripe about each other for hours on end... They both say exactly the same things about each other half the time, which is pretty funny. They are definitely suffering from each-other-overload. They really do spend a ridiculous amount of time with each other. Katie has never really made any friends since coming back to Keele, combined with the fact that she only has lectures one day a week, and so needs to be entertained constantly- she clings to Roo. She also steals Roo's friends rather than make her own. A recipe for Katie-overload. Eeek.

I saw M last night in the Union. More to the point, he saw me. Not that he acknowledged me in any way, shape or form. He must have walked past me about 6 times, i kid you not, and everytime he just totally blanked me. Yet he is more than happy to speak to me over Facebook or MSN or whatever. I have been trying to pin him down for a coffee or something for ages. I am trying to be mature, and to resolve what was once a decent friendship. But he never gets back to me. I'm not going to pester him, i know he's a busy man, and i do have some pride. But its not like we live miles from each other. If he made some fucking effort. But he acts as though i am some sort of social pariah. Well you know what Matt? I'm fucking not! So fuck you! I don't care anymore. I'm through with trying to be nice. If he doesn't care, then neither do i.

(On some levels, i think i might be relieved. If i don't have to look at him, then theres no way i can start being attracted to him again. Though why i would ever have been is anyones guess- what is wrong with me!!!??!)

I will tell the whole story one day, when i get round to it. Honest.

Anyway. I'm going to be predictable and say- i don't want to go to the hospital tomorrow.

Teflon Coated Bastard...

I spilt a glass of water on my laptop last night... *cue screaming*

It still works though, thank fuck. I hastily removed it from the puddle, turned it upside down (to stop the water seeping into the mother board) and dried it with a towel. Later i put the hair dryer on it (on the cool setting, don't worry). AND NOW IT WORKS! I am a technological genuis. Or not, since this is the second piece of expensive electrical equipment i have dropped water on in less than a year...

Boy is threatening to have everything in our house shrink wrapped... He thinks he's so funny.

Hehe.

Right, m'off to get ready now, i'm going home! Yay!

Explosion imminent!

It seems like ages since i updated. Even though it really isn't that long. But anyway.

There are lots of crazy things going on in my head at the moment. I have been incredibly stressed this week. Mostly about Korfball, and the associated human beings. Which is ridiculous as its supposed to be a hobby, stress reliever, etc. I am going home tomorrow. I would have been going home tonight, but i have training, and since regionals is next weekend i didn't think missing it would go down too well. Even though i very much doubt two hours is going to significantly improve my game play. Its just easier to go.

Fake-cough has been staying over all fucking week. She's driving me up the wall. I actually cannot stand her. That whining fucking voice just makes me want to scream. My blood pressure must be through the roof.

This hatred of all people Korfball does not bode well for regionals, when i am going to have to spend a whole day and night in their company. I'm dreading it, i really am. Can't believe i have given up a weekend living it up in London with Wayne for Karl's birthday for it. To be fair i can't afford London, but meh.

On Tuesday i went into the hospital to do my study, and predictably, there were no samples again. One of my supervisors was nowhere to be found, and the other one apparently wasn't in as he has been on call the night before. Nice to be kept informed... So i left a snotty note on his desk and stormed out at eleven. Spent the rest of the day dossing around. As much as i like having Tuesdays off, it really is getting beyond a joke now. I'm supposed to have completed the practical work by Christmas, and i don't want it hanging over my head come February, when i have a million other things occupying my stress centre... GAH. I am giving myself the day off next Tuesday. I have scheduled some illness. So they can all go and fuck themselves. Hopefully by the time i do go back in, there might be a backlog, and i will be able to spend a whole day testing.

I have finished my neuroscience essay- woot!

The Boy's step-sister is pregnant, so soon i will be a step-aunty- in law... type thing. Woot! She is only twenty four and not yet married or fully qualified in whatever it is that she does, so its clearly not a planned baby. Boy and I will be able to feel smug about that at least. Boy is treated as a second class citizen as far as his Father and Step mother are concerned. Her children can do no wrong, and she frequently enjoys rubbing their "success" in Boy's face. Though to be fair, if a house on a council estate, a job fitting alarms, and an unplanned pregnancy aged twenty four are classed as success nowadays, then i think i'll stick with my second class citizen-ship, thank you very much. Oooh i'm a snob. I really do hate Boy's Step mother and her kids. They're so fucking arrogant, with no grounds for it really. And thats the worst kind of arrogance.

My broodiness has gone into overdrive now (as if it wasn't bad enough already). I don't know why, but i have been incredibly pre-occupied with pregnancy lately. I don't want children as such. I just want to be pregnant, and to have a baby. The impracticalities of having a child now are perfectly clear to me, and i know i don't really want a baby. I know that being pregnant is going to be perfectly hideous. But i have this romanticised vision in my head, where i am carrying Boy's child, and he is loving and adoring and its just generally sickening and lovely. I think its probably just an attention thing. Everyone loves a pregnant woman don't they. Is it normal to be so broody? I think about getting married a lot too. I can't wait to get married. I think that is less psychotic though. I do have a partner who i love, and marriage isn't quite such a drastic thing.

I have this "life anxiety" almost. I know i should be enjoying my youth, having a life. But the truth is, i'm not that good at having a life. I'm constantly worrying about what i should be doing next. Marriage isn't an essential part of life, and nor i suppose is having babies. But i seem to have some sort of mental time-table in which these tasks are included. I need to be married before i can have the babies. And i need to start making babies, before its too late. In case we have difficulties. I've always had this feeling that i'm infertile. I don't know why. Probably just another avenue in which my constant need for self pity can lie. And thats where the anxiety sits. Its no way to enjoy life, constantly worrying about the next thing on the "to do list" I have a loving partner. I should be secure in the knowledge that one day these things will happen. Because there's no reason why they shouldn't...

Good God i am a first class mentalist.

If Boy ever got to read this thing he would probably dump me and run away to Cuba or something...

Anyway.

I can't wait to go home and see him. I am so incredibly stressed and grumpy that an enormous cuddle is in order. Also, Mum is taking us out to RC2 for dinner on Saturday. The prospect of consuming my own body weight in curry and wine is a particularly nice one.

That is all.

6-5 to Castle...

Yep so we lost. No big surprise. Castle are a far more experienced side than us. It is a little depressing that every team in the league sees beating us as merely a formality though...

I'm rapidly getting tired of all the attitude and bitchiness in the Keele squad. Ok, so i don't take criticism well, not even of the constructive variety, thats just the way i am. But at least from Jon the coach, its meant well. The constant sniping from my so called club captain is a little wearing however. First our division is being bitched at for not setting up the shots in attack. Our division is consisting of me, Ollie, Phil and Charlie. Ollie is new, so noone really expects him to do anything. Charlie is just rubbish, and everyone bitches about her constantly, but noone actually criticises her to her face, Phil thinks he's master goal scorer and never sets up any shot because he always wants to be the one to take it.... which leaves... ME. Apparently i'm expected to do everything. Then Gill is bitching that the only person on our division who "can score" is Phil.... but Phil will never set it up so anyone else can take one anyway! ARGH. STRESS!

On top of that, at the beginning of the match i'm being told that apparently Becca is a stronger player than me, which leaves me seething- not a good attitude for play! Becca is fucking pathetic. She refuses to play on any division without Gill, because Gill is our best player so playing with her means Becca has to do nothing. She has no fucking tactical ability, she refuses to shout so noone knows whats going on, and half of the time she won't even run (this is the girl who needs to be chaffeured from one halls of residence to the other- i.e 300 yards- by her moronic boyfriend because apparently incapable of walking anywhere). But noone will say a word against her because she's shagging Phil and crawling up Gill's arse at every opportunity. ARGH.

Maybe i'm just being oversensitive, but it always seems to me that as the only experienced player who anyone can bitch at, when we lose, its always my personal fault. And i don't see why i should put up with it. Because its not my fault! I'm not sporty, these things don't come easily to me, and at the end of the day, i only joined the club for a laugh in the first place, since i was told that it wasn't mega competitive and bitchy like most other sports at Keele...

Gill and Becca have both come back here with Phil and are apparently here for the evening. They are currently sat cackling in the next room and i am drowning them out with Fall Out Boy. Hopefully i can slope off over to Roo's a bit later, otherwise something really horrible might happen to them...

Anyone who is remotely interested in what i have just spent the past ten minutes bitching about, can see here

Stolen Boredness

Currently Eating: Nothing. Just had some toast with butter... mmmm...

Currently Reading: Journal articles on aluminium and dialysis encephalopathy...woot...

Currently Listening to: "Sugar, We're Going Down" - Fall Out Boy.

Currently Wearing: Jeans, green top, beads, black cardigan, pink stripey socks.

Currently Anticipating: Seeing the boy. Some chocolate biscuits...

Currently Thinking about: Boy :(

Currently Wondering: Whether or not to go down to the Union to meet Mike, Phil and Fake-Cough (Becca).

Currently Should be: Writing the damn essay.

Current plans for the weekend: I'm living it, baby.

Currently feeling: Grumpy.

Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

Not.

Good God i'm bored. Can't believe its the weekend again already.

I should be writing my neuroscience essay but, meh. I've only written 500 words and i'm stuck already. It's much less brain taxing to just ignore it.

Everyone in the corridor is out, so i am taking advantage of this fact by listening to music at an inappropriate volume. To be fair, i do this most of the time anyway. I'm sure everyone must hate me.

I was going to moan about how Katie and Roo always ignore me when their boyfriends are in the picture, despite the fact that i always try to include them in my activities with The Boy- because one: they're friends with him too, and two: i wouldn't want them to feel like i was brushing them off in favour of him when we spend so much time together usually. Usually they are both guilty of it. But Katie has just invited me for hot chocolate with her and Dan... so i'm off... hehe!

Meeeeurrrgh...

I've just polished off an enormous slab of chocolate cake... and its only 11.30am... whoopsy!

I feel quite sick now...

Boy has left already :( I hate these midweek visits, when it seems as though he's barely arrived when he has to go back again for work.

It was lovely tho. We had nice sex and everything. Yay.

I am so unbelievably tired today. The Boy is a little on the large side... so me plus him plus single bed doesn't make for the most restful of sleeps. Plus Phil and Mike went out last night, and brought back Gill and Becca at midnight, so they were sat up talking until about 2am. The walls here are so bloody paper thin, i could hear every word they were saying... Its not what i pay a grand a semester for, i can tell you! They were bitching about Korfball, typically. Becca was being her usual know-it-all self, even though when she's on the pitch, she seems to lack any basic tactical understanding of the game... not that anyone mentions it since she's shagging the Vice-Captain... The first match of the season is on Sunday, and Gill has already picked the team. Charlie, our "first team captain", is not actually on the team. I'm not entirely sure she knows about it yet either... so training will be interesting tonight...

Have a meeting with Glenn shortly, in which i feel sure he is going to pull my project introduction to pieces, and i will cry or something. I went into the hospital on Tuesday for one sample. One whole sample. Remarkable eh.

There is a girl working in the specimen reception at the hospital who i was chatting to on Tuesday. She graduated in Biomedical Science this year from Keele. She has a registration portfolio which she took a year out to do. And she is working in specimen reception... sticking labels on bottles... because there are no trainee BMS posts anywhere. This doesn't fill me confidence about my future prospects. In fact, it pretty much makes me want to throw myself on the floor and cry and scream until i vomit. But hey ho.

True to my father's advice ("Well, just finish your degree, then find a field where there are lots of jobs... and do a degree in that instead!"- Sound advice, if i was planning on entering The Guinness Book of Records with an entry for the world's largest student debt...) i'm thinking of applying to do Medicine sometime in the near future, rather than going into Biomedical Science for a few years first. I'm not sure i have what it takes to be a doctor, but i suppose i'll never know unless i try. Though the prospect of putting my life on hold for the next 10 years, isn't something i relish particularly.

Anyway. More later.

That Sunday Feeling...

My God i hate being a woman sometimes. I shall spare you all the unpleasant reasons behind my wish for gender reassignment right now however.

I just walked all the way to the library to photocopy an article for my Neuroscience essay... only to discover that the archives don't go back far enough, so they don't actually have a copy of the article... Trés annoying. I may have to pay a visit to the health library on Tuesday, though i'm not entirely sure if they will have it either...

I have finished my pancreatitis project draft- woot!

I'm so bored. I hate weekends.

Tom and Becca came down for a visit on Friday, for Becca's birthday, and so much fun was had dancing in the Union on Friday night.

Becca was one of the very first people i ever spoke to when i got to Keele, yet after the first few weeks we hardly spoke to each other. Our friendship was only rekindled last year, due to our mutual friendship with M and Roo. In hindsight, i wish i had made more effort with Becca, and in fact just made more effort to be sociable in general. Had i not spent my first couple of years here wallowing in the depths of depression, i might have had a greatly expanded social network and got to know some people who i hold merely as aquaintances a whole lot better.

I wish i was more articulate, so that i could explain myself better.

Irritated...

I really need to start thinking of more imaginative titles for my posts...

The internet is being exceptionally slow and shit today, which is pissing me off.

Yesterday i went in to the hospital to discover that there were no samples for me again. Which i am less than impressed by. Its not even as if there literally were no patients to take samples from- i spent a couple of hours in specimen reception this week and last week, and saw at least four serum amylase requests each time. At a rate of four every two hours, i could complete the whole bloody trial in one day, instead of stretching it out over the whole semester... If anyone ever bothers sending the urine samples that is... Its not as though its something i'm putting them out for either! The consultant in A&E wanted this trial doing! Yargh. I refused to spend six hours at the hospital doing nothing, so i came home at about half 11, and futzed around for the rest of the day. Joey and I had drinks and a long chat at The Orange Tree in the evening.

Spoke to Abbie briefly on MSN last night, and she seemed happy enough, having spent the day with her friends. I can't imagine Mum was very happy about her being out with Kayleigh-The-Bad-Influence again, but i am glad she is taking the psychologists advice at least.

Still in a confuddled state about the whole thing. I spent most of the day with her on Monday, shopping and chatting. Bullied her into eating some chips. Mum said she seemed a lot brighter afterwards. I should spend more time with her. Guilt...

I miss The Boy a lot. The weekend was rather strange and disjointed, and so we didn't really get to spend as much time solidly together as i would have liked. Half of the time we did spend together we spent arguing. Or me crying, and us not having sex. To be fair, i haven't exactly been difficult to upset/ annoy recently on account of my increasing stress levels... I shouldn't have taken it out on him.

(He did start an argument with me in the middle of an Indian restaurant about M however, which he fully deserved to be shouted at about... but thats a whole other blog entry...)

Saw a lot of Dad and Maddie this weekend, which was nice. I hardly ever get to see them, which is a bit rubbish. I should make more effort really.

I totally buggered up my budget this weekend also, by "accidentally" spending 50 quid on Elle McPherson underwear, and then since i was in the swing of shopping and had already made a mess of the finances, i bought a jumper from Topshop as well. I was doing so well as well. Sigh.

It is exceptionally nice underwear though. And i never usually have expensive underwear.

I might take the jumper back. I haven't decided yet. Its sitting in the wardrobe, awaiting its fate.

I shop to make me feel better about myself, but then always end up feeling worse with the guilt. Is that an addiction? I don't know.

I need to go to my meeting with my dissertation tutor woman now. She insists on me seeing her every week, but since i'm only in the research stage and i don't really know where she wants me to take the thing, i never have any idea what she wants to talk about. The complement system is infintely boring. Methinks i should have chosen my title more carefully...

Muddled...

Just got back to Keele after an extended weekend at home. I am feeling that blah-y way that i always feel when i'm here after a while away.

The weekend has been strange. After worrying so much about Abbie all week, i was a little annoyed to get home on Thursday night and find that everyone was just acting as though nothing had happened, and Abbie herself barely acknowledged my presence.

On Friday i went to Abbie's first appointment with the psychologist, with Mum and Dad. The psychologist asked about lots of generic psychologist things, like how long my Mum and Dad had been divorced, had there been any traumatic or significant events lately, etc. Mum was finally forced to admit to suffering from depression, and i was momentarily terrified that i would have to do the same.

I wasn't awfully impressed with the psychologist. She seems very overly focussed on the issue of Abbie's alcohol drinking. Ok, drinking at 15 is not exactly ideal, but lets be honest here, everyone does it. It doesn't mean we're all destined for a life of AA meetings. The events of last weekend were disturbing and unpleasant, but not a commentary on my sister's mental state as a whole. On finding out that Mum's father was an alcoholic, the psychologist took it upon herself to tell Abbie that she was in danger of dying as an alcoholic also. Which seems more like scare-mongering than counselling to me.

On the other hand, she did confirm my thoughts that Abbie's self harm problem, is more like a "self harm problem". Something quite superficial and not really to be worried about. Incidentally, having seen the cuts for myself, i can say that Mum was definitely exaggerating...

My biggest gripe with the psychologist, is the fact that she refuses to address Abbie's biggest problem in my mind, which is the fact that she no longer eats anything.

"Abbie doesn't want to talk about it, so we're not going to"

I'm no psychologist... but how the hell does that make any sense whatsoever!? Surely that just proves that the problem exists in the first place, thus highlighting the need for it to be addressed? Euch.

She even fucking told Mum that Abbie is already in the peripheral stages of an eating disorder. Her extreme sensitivity to the cold is a key sign that her body is beginning to "shut down".

That phrase has haunted me for the entire weekend. Body shutting down equates to the beginning of the end in my mind. Maybe i'm being over dramatic, but i can't shake off that thought. I don't want my baby sister to shut down.

I just can't get through to her that however miserable she feels now, it is nothing compared to how bad she is going to feel in ten/ twenty/ thirty years time when she is dealing with the consequences of starving herself.

To conclude, the psychologist handed out lots of advice which i should imagine seems rather counter-intuitive from my parents' point of view, like not to punish her, or stop her from going out with the bad influence friends to the places she usually goes to drink...

I can see her point. Despite my outrage, i am reluctant to force the issue with Abbie about exactly what kind of friends stand by and allow you to drink yourself into oblivion, and then not even hang around to deal with the aftermath... i don't want to make her feel more depressed by implying that her friends are not really friends, and that in reality she has no meaningful relationships. But i think Mum and Dad found it difficult to swallow.

Mum is, as usual, determined to take everything personally. According to her, the psycholgist is blaming the whole thing on her.

Listening to Mum lie about exactly how much alcohol she drinks in one week, proves to me that i'm right to be concerned about her in that respect... but thats an issue for another diary entry. She's by no means an alcoholic. And as contradictory as it sounds, i don't think her alcohol consumption is at the bottom of Abbie's problems.

Abbie told me that the psychologist thinks she is depressed. That, i can accept. The rest... meh.

My head is in a muddle, so i'm going to stop now.

I don't want to go to the hospital tomorrow...

Drama

This has been a weekend of revelations...

On Saturday on the way back from Lancaster (yes i did go to the tournament- and it was shit...), Mum text me to tell me that the police had rung her because they had picked up my middle-ing sister Abbie, drunk, in Leeds. I wasn't overly concerned, since i already knew she had been drinking a little in Leeds with her friends for the past few weekends and it seemed harmless enough. I assumed the police had raided the Corn Exchange, where they hang out, to give all the kids a bit of a scare, since its notorious for under-age drinkers.

In actuality, the police had called an ambulance, because she was so very drunk. Her so called "friends" all ran off and left her. When i finally managed to get in touch with Mum again, a good few hours later she told me that Abbie had been admitted to the hospital after the doctors found apparently self inflicted razor blade cuts on her arms. She told Mum she had done it because she was so unhappy.

I was beside myself. I just couldn't believe it. I know she is going through some "Emo" phase, and its cool to be depressed and dark. I even know that she's carved things into her arms with compass points before now in a fit of generic adolescent drama. But razor blades? I can't even begin to imagine how, or why. According to Mum, the injuries look horrific.

I felt so incredibly guilty. I know favourite sisters shouldn't exist, but she is mine. I love her so much, and for her to have been so unhappy and me to not even have known is just unthinkable. I thought we were close. I know i don't spend as much time with her as i should. Even when i'm not at Uni, i'm always with The Boy or somewhere else. And that's so selfish of me, i know it is. I know she doesn't have a good time at home, and i should have been there for her more. The thought of her in hospital on her own all night, and feeling so poorly just made me cry. I know it was her own fault, but still.

She wasn't allowed to be discharged on Sunday until she had seen a children's mental health team.

Speaking to her about it yesterday, when she had got home from the hospital, it appears the whole drama was over a boy. This boy she had been "going out with" and thought she was in love with had dumped her (she bearly eats anymore, on account of her massively distorted body image, and apparently tried to make herself sick the other day, which is why he ended it) and now has another girlfriend. Hence why she was drinking so heavily on Saturday. Apparently she drank three bottles of wine... three. She's fifteen! I can't even drink one. She drank so much, her body went into shock- she had a irregular heart rhythm- the paramedics thought she had taken drugs... I can't even begin to imagine how ill she must have felt. I suppose at least it has taught her a lesson about alcohol, that noone else could ever have taught her. Hopefully she will stay away from it for a good few years now.

I asked her about the cutting, if she was doing it for attention. She said she had been doing at first, but now it just felt like something she "had to do" when she had a problem she didn't want to talk about. I'm finding it hard to know what i believe. Part of me thinks she might well have a serious problem. She obviously didn't intend on getting found out, and only the fact that she got so drunk she had to go to hospital led to anyone noticing. But then, another part of me think she is doing what she thinks "Emo's" should do. Its like a trend. She's learnt it. Its not an innate urge.

I don't know.

Knowing what i know about myself, her, and our family, i know she is unhappy beyond her adolescent love-life. I strongly suspect a part of her, however small, has done this for the attention. Typically, my parents are brushing the whole thing under the carpet already. Neither of them has bothered to try and talk to her about it, which is infuriating me. And she refuses to talk to them. Which is fair enough. They're my parents too, i know how bloody unapproachable they are.

I just worry this will escalate out of control, without some kind of intervention. I have tried talking to her but she's so fucking nonchalant about the whole thing somehow, i just want to slap her. I desperately want to help her. I don't want her to be as miserable as i know i have been. But she just seems to see it as no big deal. Even when i try to explain to her exactly how much damage she is doing her body by not eating, she just shrugs it off. Infuriating.

Maybe it is no big deal. Maybe it was a moment of adolescent madness and i'm just projecting my own neuroses onto her as some kind of explanation for her behaviour. But i just can't see it. I'm sure its more serious than she's letting on.

I just want to go home and hug her.

Anticlimax...

He's gone now : (

I knew this was going to happen. I waited so long to see him, and built it up so much. And then the time he was here just flew by. It seemed as though he'd barely arrived when he had to leave again.

On Tuesday night i cooked tea for him, and we went out for drinks with Katie and Roo. Wednesday we got up late, futzed around. He spent fucking hours setting up my new printer... which i was less than happy about. When he was finally ready we went into town for a bit. Came back and had tea and wine, and then went to the KPA with Katie and corridor-Michael, and drank more wine. Roo and the Castle Korfballers were there after while too. It was a good laugh, and i love the way he so easily mixes with my friends. He's so funny and likeable.

Wasn't intending on sharing him quite so much while he was here, but hey ho.

I managed to ruin any attempts at passionate sex, but i can't even be bothered to talk about that right now. Lets just leave it at: I'm a fucking psycho.

I went to my nine o'clock this morning, yawned most of the way through it, and then came home and went back to bed until 12. As such, it is nearly 2 o'clock, and i have done absolutely nothing useful at all today. I'm so bloody stressed about my project draft. But not stressed enough to actually do any work on it apparently... Sigh.

I have to go to a Korfball tournament on Saturday, which involves setting off from Keele at 6.45am. I think the chances of that happening are less than slim. It is a Fresher's tournament, and i'm not a bloody Fresher, so its not like theres any need for me to go. I should go really, its not like i have anything better to do... I'll probably have fun when i get there. I just can't face the idea of being awake at that time.

I also realised while The Boy was here that we're going to be in London for Karl's birthday on the 17th of November... which is also the date of the Korfball regionals in Leeds. I fear this is going to make me exceptionally unpopular tonight...

Ah well.

Going to see Joey's new kitten George this afternoon : )

Back to counting down the days...

Procrastination...

I should be making some kind of effort to start the introduction for my experimental project, which my superviser wants a draft of in three weeks... But the research is a bitch, and i have no motivation whatsoever to work at the moment.

I'm not feeling very well, mentally or physically. I still have the beginnings of my flu, which has neither grown into real flu nor disappeared. So i'm just in an irritating state of flu-y limbo. I also had a rather revolting stomach disturbance on Saturday night... which i'm still feeling a little delicate from. I'm ridiculously anxious at the moment, about nothing in particular. To the point where its actually painful, and no matter how deeply i breath, i can't get rid of the sicky achey feeling in my chest and throat. I couldn't sleep last night because of it, so was completely shattered this morning, and only vaguely managed to tune into my lecture. Which is a shame because i like that module.

I'm in sort of a "hate my face/ body/ wardrobe" mode again as well.

Hopefully once i've seen the boy i will feel better. He is off work ill again today with some kind of throat problem. I do worry about him losing his job again. He can be so lax sometimes. I am contemplating going home instead of him coming here. If i'd have gone after my lecture we would have had an extra day and night together, and i could have "nursed" him back to health. As it is, i have been my usual indecisive self, and so even if i stopped dithering and went now, by the time i got home it would be bedtime, and we would only have an extra couple of hours together. Sigh. I am so looking forward to him being here, but it is tainted in a way, by the fact that he will only be here a day, and it will fly by. I don't know when i'll be seeing him again after Wednesday : ( I'm dreading that part.

Am i pathetic?

OK, i am going to do work now.

The Morning After the Night Before...

I am forced to eat my words now, and say that last night was actually awesome.

Me and Maz ended up being dragged to Korfball training at 8, even though i wasn't planning to go and she had no kit. Afterwards we had to race home and get showered and ready for the union and ended up in there at about 11. Me, Maz, Becca, Phil, The Corridor Mate Michael, Gill and Charlie (who invited herself...) were out, and much laughing, drinking and crazy dancing occurred. After the union we all went back to Gill's Z shed and drank vodka in her kitchen until 4. Gill was wasted and attempting to grill waffles until i restrained her... Afterwards Maz and I staggered back here and crashed out. Awesomeness.

Michael The Corridor Mate is a GIANT flirt. Gill blatantly fancies the arse off him, and i gather there is some history between him and Charlie, so it was rather amusing watching them vying for his attention all night, and Michael feeling them both up alternately, oblivious... He flirts with me pretty outrageously as well. I thought previously that i was probably just being a bit big headed... but last night in response to my "its really hot in here" commment, he said "no, that's just you..."

Euch.

Where do men get this shit from!?

The worst of it is that Michael has a girlfriend, a medical student called Trudi. Saying that, i have only seen her once in a fortnight of being here. And he never goes out with her, since he's always out with Phil and the Korfball club!

I'm slightly concerned at how easy it is for me to forget i have a long term partner, who i adore and who adores me, in the face of male attention and alcohol. Michael is a nice, funny guy, but pretty vile, in the harsh sober light of day... Yet last night i was, not contemplating, that's the wrong word, but seriously imagining going to bed with him. I could even imagine the guilt in the morning. I could put it down to being drunk and horny, but i'd be lying if i said it hadn't happened before. In a strange way, i think its part of missing the boy. I crave attention and affection from him when he's not around, the feeling of which is enhanced when i'm drunk. And obviously i'm happy to accept this affection from anyone! Well, i don't think thats entirely true. I never would cheat on him, i love him, we've been there, it was horrible, and there's just no need for it! I suppose sometimes i worry that me feeling like this means i'm not mature enough for the way our relationship is going, and that imminently, i'm going to fuck the whole thing up, by being a selfish, immature little bitch (again).

Sigh. Why do i feel the need to finger the self destruct button, constantly?

This morning when Maz and I got up we had breakfast in the kitchen with Phil. Becca, Gill and Michael came round, and it was all rather sociable. Bedroom doors were open and everything! I think this corridor has the potential to improve. Heather and Andy couldn't come last night which was a shame. Might have helped the whole bonding process. An in-depth debrief of last night occured, which is always the best part of going out i think. Maz went off to get her train about lunch time and the rest all buggered off to the pub to watch some football match. I didn't go because i hadn't actually had a chance to get dressed on account of all the visitors... plus i don't really like football. Wish i had gone now though as i'm pretty bored.

Only three more sleeps until the boy gets here!

Am addicted to Kate Nash's album at the moment. Boy will be cross.

Bleurgh...

I have got the beginnings of Fresher's flu, damnit.

I always thought it was rather unfair calling it Fresher's flu and pinning all the blame on them. It is sort of an amalgamation of everyones' germs. I've had it every year since i got here and i've only been a Fresher once!

Anyway.

Maz, one of my old flatmates is coming down for the weekend, and will be here shortly. It'll be nice to see her again, though i must admit i'm not feeling hugely excited about going out to the union tonight. I don't particularly like Maz's circle of friends, and neither Roo or Katie are here for moral support... i have the feeling its going to be a very long night...

I'm still fuming about the NightLine thing. I've had this awful niggly feeling about it ever since i got back from the meeting the other day. I keep expecting a nasty email everytime i open my inbox, for some reason.

I don't really have anything interesting to say.

Suspended...

Well.

I have been suspended from NightLine for "breaching confidentiality"

I'm far from impressed.

I'm not going to lie to anyone and say i have never mentioned anything about NightLine to anyone ever... but the fact that i apparently have been shouting from the rooftops about one of out regular callers is just total bollocks.

I know exactly which caller they are referring to, there is only one i have really spoken to anyone about. But the only people i have spoken to it about are either: a) part of NightLine, b) The Boy (who lives 100 miles aways...) or c) Have left Keele.

I did talk to Katie about it the other day, briefly. I'm wondering if she told Ann about it, and its Ann who has grassed me up. If it was then she can stick her friendship attempts up her fecking arse, the silly cow. I can't think of any other way it would have gotten back to Amy and Ollie, the co-ordinators. And even if that is what happened... that is hardly "all the way around campus", now is it.

I wish i'd remembered these things when i was talking to them about it.

There's something about being told off by some prissy do-gooders who are two years younger than me, which does not sit well.

Argh.

I miss Wayne.

Dying...

Just finished dying my hair. It is now one lovely chocolatey brown colour, as opposed to the previous three (blonde/ faded chestnutty brown/ dark brown). It looked pretty shocking, i can tell you.

Today i didn't wake up until one o'clock, and since its my day off i have bugger all to do. I'm really quite bored and blatantly not going to get any sleep tonight... I have a nine o'clock tomorrow though, so getting up for that will hopefully reset my sleep clock thingy. Its in the morgue in the medical school, chopping up brains, which should be excellent! My project tutors finally got round to replying to my emails this morning as well, so i suppose i could do some project type reseach today in preperation for our meeting. It might help if i actually had something intelligent to say for once.

Last night was the first Korfball social of the year. Not a particularly successful one either. Only two of the new people who came to training on Thursday turned up, and since one of them is already friends with two fifths of the committee and fairly outgoing anyway, it didn't really make life very easy for the other guy who is a Fresher, and very shy. We spent most of the evening playing "I have never" which got pretty dull after about half a second since all the questions were about sex... Gill was getting on my tits as well. She's so fucking moody, i can't tell whether she likes me from one minute to the next. Although there's no reason why she shouldn't. I spent most of the evening forcing myself to laugh, which gets pretty tiring after a while, and trying valiantly to make conversation with Becca, who has all the personality of a half defrosted fish finger... and Gill, who just blows hot and cold with me, as i said.

I think there's every possibility that Keele Korfball may fold this year, not so much because we barely have a team, but because as a committe, we don't know each other particularly well or get on that amazingly. Gill and Phil, the captain and vice captain have known each other for the longest and so they're ok. Gill is a moody cow as i said. Phil is ok i suppose, but damned hard work to talk to. Becca the social sec is nice enough, but there's something about her thats incredibly strange, and i just can't place it. Plus she's Phil's girlfriend. Charlie the "first team captain" (i say "first team captain" rather than first team captain, since she only got the position because there was noone else to do it, and she can barely play...) is a knob. Everyone hates Charlie. Which is a little unfortunate. I can't imagine that all the time we are going to have to spend in socials and at tournaments is going to fly by... Though i suppose its early days.

After the "social" i went into the Union for Manic Mondays with Katie and Roo, which has gone all indie and weird for some reason. Katie was flirting outrageously with half of Roo's male housemates, despite spending two thirds of her time since she got here telling us all how amazing her new boyfriend is... so me and Roo got bored, gave it up as a bad job and went back to hers for a cup of tea and a gossip/ bitch. It was nice to have her to myself again for a little while. Katie's lovely but she can be hard work.

God, i just bitch about everyone. I'm so going to hell.

One of the guys who lives in the corridor came out with us last night, and he seems really funny. Even though he does hide in his room all the time.

Ann rang me on Sunday night in tears, to tell me her mother is an alcoholic, who's spent the past three years dumping on her and that she had just sent her an email telling her she never wanted to speak to her again... and would i come over... I felt a little bad telling her that i'd had arranged to meet Joey weeks ago and that i was going to the pub... I went over to hers after finishing with Jo though. We chatted for a few hours about stuff. She told me a lot of quite personal things i didn't know, and i felt really bad for her. I'm such a bad counsellor... She said it helped though. I feel a little strange about it all though. I barely know her, and quite why i would be the first person she rings in a crisis is beyond me. She must have closer friends than me, surely. I know she thinks of herself as really unsociable and that she doesn't have a huge amount of friends... but still. I found it hard to feel hugely guilty about not cancelling my plans and rushing immediately to her aid, when we are hardly even friends... I am enjoying getting to know her better and spending more time with her, but its all just a bit much. She wanted us to go out for a meal tonight, just the two of us. Not feeling too confident that i could stretch out a conversation with her for that long, i made some excuse about money. Guilt again though. She's latched on to me good and proper.

Jo and Dave had a really bad argument on Saturday night. I'm ashamed to say that it makes me feel better about myself that they did. Sometimes Jo is so bloody perfect with her brazillian waxes, stylish clothes and grown up relationship, that i want to explode with jealous rage... But it certainly seems as though the Jo and Dave bubble is about to burst, from what she told me on Sunday night. I hope they work it out though. They are a good couple. And i do love Jo, beyond the life-envy...

In less bitchy-moany news- The Boy is coming down on Tuesday! Woohoo! I can't wait.

The Co-Dependency Trap...

Last night, whilst doing my NightLine duty (NightLine is like a Samaritans type service for students, run by students...) i got to reading a book called The Co-Dependency Trap or something or other like that. NightLine has moved in with the student counselling service, so we now do the duties from their offices, hence why i was exposed to a shelf full of self help book crap in my hour of boredom...

Apparently, Co-Dependency is when a person does not complete their "psychological birth" which is supposed to occur in toddler-hood. (Psychological birth is the process of breaking away from the oneness with mother, and beginning to explore the world alone, whilst trusting that mother is still there if we need her...) This leads to them being unable to be a fully formed personality in their own right, and thus forming co-dependent relationships, where they rely on the other person to fulfill the missing aspects of their personality... This "affliction" supposedly affects around 98% of the American population.

My first thought was- "What a load of bollocks". Maybe i'm missing the point, but surely a degree of dependency is necessary to relationships? And life in general. No man is an island and all that. We need other people. Surely its a good thing when we have a relationship that makes us a better person? It can hardly be such an affliction if its affecting 98% of the population, can it? Are we all using our relationships as emotional crutches? Does noone form meaningful bonds with each other?

My second thought, upon reading on was- "Oh my god, i'm having a co-dependent relationship with The Boy!" I am pretty emotionally reliant upon him.

My tertiary thought was- "Actually no, this is bollocks." I am dependent on him, because i love him. I wouldn't like to think about living without him, but that doesn't mean i couldn't. I am perfectly capable of being a person in my own right thankyouverymuch.

Tsk. I hate stuff like that. Reading garbage like that is what gives people problems in the first place.

I'm not entirely sure i want to go and have counselling, if my head is going to be filled with rubbish like that. I can't imagine being told that all my relationships are unhealthy and meaningless is going to make me feel any better about myself.

Anyway.

Apart from gaining that nugget of wisdom, NightLine was a bit of a waste of time really. Since moving base, the phones haven't been sorted out properly, and so only the external phone works. Since the majority of our calls come through the internal line... there barely seems any point in being open. The only calls we got through the external line were from one of the banned callers, who just calls repeatedly to hurl abuse at us. I think he called about 30 times in the end...

I don't have much to do today. Meeting Joey tonight, but thats not for ages. Everyone on my corridor is still being hermit-like, which is a bit boring really.

Union on Friday was good fun. Introduced Ann to Amaretto :-)

Yawn.

The Keele Update

It would appear that i'm not very good at remembering to update this thing. Oh well.

I should be doing things that need doing, like ringing people to change addresses and such like. But i don't like ringing people i don't know. So it can wait.

I am back in Keele now for the new semester. I got back on Wednesday and have been futzing around doing not a lot since then really. My new room is even lovelier now that it has all my things in it, though it is much bigger than the room i had last year so doesn't quite feel full enough at the moment... The people living in the corridor seem pleasant enough. Phil, i already knew from Korfball. Andy and Heather, the couple, who seem really cool, but not overly desperate to interact, as they have each other. Which is understandable but a bit poo really. I am loathe to force myself on them as they haven't seen each other all summer and have probably been really looking forward to living together... and i would be a bit annoyed if someone kept trying to infringe on my time with The Boy... Plus i don't really know what to talk to them about! Mike, i have only seen a couple of times, seems really nice, but likes to keep himself to himself. And the last guy, i have no idea what he's called. I've only seen him once and he didn't even say hi to me (and apparently has been like that with everyone) So. Not exactly the life and soul of the party i gather. I'm sure i will be grateful for the quietness of the place in a few weeks when i'm snowed under with work. But now i'm a little disappointed. I was all geared up to be sociable and nice and make new friends. But noone else seems bothered. Sigh.

As such, i have spent most of my time since getting here with Katie and Ruth. Which is nice, i'm glad that they're here, but i do rather get the impression that they prefer each other to me... and three may become a crowd after a while... After unpacking on Wednesday i spent the rest of the day with them and then had an early night. I was invited out by Andy and Heather but i was too scared to go in the end, as they had other friends over who were rather loud and scary... I wish i had gone though, it might have helped with the making connections business. Plus they knocked on my door before they went, and the scary friends were actually really nice as well... But then i most probably would have just spent the whole night feeling like a spare part and gone home early. So i cut out the middle man and just went to bed. Yesterday i had a meeting with my personal tutor, which was mostly about my placement in the end, and then went to my first Clinical Pathology lecture, which turned out to be an "introductory" lecture. So 20 whole minutes of being blathered to about knowing how to do literature searches then... Went into Hanley afterwards with Katie and Roo to pick up my beautiful boots which i ordered a few days ago. I'm not even going to try and justify spending £75 on them. They are just beautiful and i needed to have them. I may well be homeless by Christmas, but at least my feet will look nice... I bought a jumper as well, which was tres naughty. For someone who is worried about affording her accommodation this year, i shop an awful lot. Then yesterday evening was the first Korfball training session of the year, which i actually really enjoyed. Probably because next to the Freshers i actually look half decent at it. I was considering quitting but i think i'm going to give it another couple of weeks. I still don't appreciate being forced into being Club Secretary, and not even being told what i'm supposed to do still! But we shall see.

Today i have been to the supermarket and spent an outrageous amount on food, which hopefully means i won't have to go shopping for a long time now. Tonight i am going to the Union with Katie, Roo and Ann. Hopefully Andy and Heather will come too, and then i can feel as though we are making an effort.

I'm not missing The Boy as painfully as i thought i would. I know it has only been two days, but i am quite capable of missing him if we so much as spend an evening apart... I suppose i have been pretty busy though, so not much time for missing really. I miss snuggling up to him in bed the most. Sigh. Tuesday night we were meant to be having a meal and wine, going to the cinema and having the obligatory rampant sex, in preperation for our fortnight apart. Instead he cooked, gave us food poisoning, and we spent the evening in bed groaning and trying not to move very much... Typical eh. Very funny in hindsight. And at least we got plenty of snuggling up done. Hehe.

Can't think of anything else right now.

YAY!!

Finished stupid placement forever! Woohoo!

Tour went fine which is a biiiiiig relief!

And now i am free to return to my life of student dossing!

Yay!

I'm quite bored now though, having finished work so early. I could go straight home and jump into bed with The Boy but unfortunately i arranged to meet Jo tonight, about a week ago. And it would be rather rude of me to cancel on such short notice. She would blatantly do the same to me, but hey. I'm too nice. I text Roo some general Yay-can-i-come-round-ness, but she hasn't replied yet. Sob.

Can't wait to go home. Its just too weird being in this block on my own. Although i'm almost ninety nine percent certain there is one other person living in here somewhere as well... i just have no idea where... the place is so bloody big!

Yay!

Nervous

Lots of things have happened in the past couple of days. I can't really be bothered writing about them, but here goes anyway. I went home at the weekend... even though i was meant to be being brave... But i finished work at 2pm on Friday and couldn't face the thought of nearly three whole days on my own. Plus The Boy was skiving work with a throat infection, so we got more time together than we shoould have done. We went out on Saturday night to see Eris play at The Snooty, and then we went round town with Boy's work friends. I was determined not to be left in a corner as usual so made a really big effort with all the Eris guys and I ended up getting on pretty well with Boy's female colleagues so ended up having a really good time. I was quite proud of myself!

On Monday i moved into my swanky new W block room. *Note to self: carrying a case, three bags and a laptop across campus, alone, in the pouring rain, is not a recipe for happiness. But at least i'm out of the stink hole that is Hawthornes now. I'm all alone in the block at the moment, which is more than a little disconcerting... the place is bloody enormous and full of random, terrifying noises. It feels incredibly strange to be living in a student block alone. I'm actually looking forward to everyone else getting here. It will be strange to have to get to know a whole new set of people again, but i've decided it doesn't matter hugely if we don't get on so well, since i still have Roo and Katie. As long as they're bearable, i'll be happy. And at least i won't have to share a bathroom with any of them : )

Actually, nothing much apart from that has happened. Went round to Roo's again for a bit last night which was lovely, and also met up with Ann for a bit in the pub. We always seem to end up talking about Dave and his "issues", which is slightly disconcerting, but she's a nice girl. It'll be good to get to know her better.

The Lab Tour of Doom is tomorrow. I've been doing practise tours all week and to be perfectly honest am bored rigid of them right now... but in a few hours it will all be over. Can't wait! I'm not quite as ecstatic as i imagined i would be to finish placement, but then i think that is probably more a symptom of the fact that i appear to be clinically incapable of being happy about anything at the moment. Or maybe the excitement is just masked by nerves... who knows. My assessor is Joey's training officer from Stafford, so hopefully he will be nice. I'm sure she would have mentioned it if he wasn't...

Feeling really down at the moment. Just want to crawl into bed and stay there for a few years. Not quite sure why, but i am sure that this is not a good road to be going down, especially at this point in the year.

I miss The Boy a lot.

Nearly the weekend- woot!

Got a letter from accommodation today- i am being allowed to move into my proper room on Monday, so they can get this block ready for the freshers coming on Saturday. This makes me very happy! Not only is it going to be a whole lot swankier and cleaner and actually on campus, but it also means i can leave some bits and pieces behind, so theres less stuff to lug back on the train after my placement and subsequently bring back again when i come with Dad... Yay. It sounds as though everyone else living in the block is going to be moving in on the fresher's Saturday (i.e. the day after i go home after placement...) so its a bit annoying that Dad can't move me in until the Wednesday after that. I really could do with being there involving myself in all the social type activities and getting to know more people. I hope that by the time i get there, everyone else hasn't already got to know each other and gotten all clique-y... because that would just be unbearable... I can't bear another year like that. I'm determined not to be Miss Social Anxiety this year, i'm going to make more friends and have fun.

Another happy thing- Roo text me out of the blue on Monday night to tell me that she was on campus already! She has previously told me that she was moving in on the 8th but for some reason i thought she wasn't anymore.... but anyway, she did! And she's here! Woop! Went over to her new place for tea on Tuesday night. Its really nice, despite being in Horwood. Its been all done up for the Postgrads. She is living with loads of other PGCE students and they all seem to be getting on amazingly well already, which makes me slightly worried/ jealous? I don't know. Im just concerned about losing her. I'm her best friend Me! Not you! Argh. I'm such a freak. They all seemed really cool girls anyway, so hopefully i can integrate myself in there as well... Roo has gone back home again for a wedding this weekend, so unfortunately i can't plant myself there for the weekend, which is a bit of a shame.

Had beverages with Joey on Tuesday night as well. As much as she annoys me with her "the-world-revolves-around-me-ness", it was lovely to see her.

Went swimming at they gym last night, so have managed to fill my time with something every evening this week, which i'm highly impressed with. I was invited out tonight by someone who i vaguely know through M. But he was going to be there too, and since i don't really know her that well, i felt a bit uncomfortable about going. So i didn't... But i've had a fairly ok lazy time tonight. This week has gone quite quickly really. Debating with myself whether to go home this weekend, or whether to be brave and stay here. I should stay here and do work, and seeing The Boy again will be extra lovely if i haven't seen him for two weeks rather than one, plus i can't really afford to go... I should probably save the money for later in the term, when i genuinely can't see him for weeks at a time due to our various commitments and i need to see him more... but meh. I probably will end up going. I miss him. And you're only young once eh.

Everyone in the lab got a massive bollocking this morning after the head scientist, Mr STD obsessive, found a half eaten chocolate bar in a drawer... it was hilarious... I know it wasn't supposed to be, and i know he had a point, it being a virology lab and everything... but its so difficult to take him seriously. Plus i think the chances of catching HIV or hepatitis from a chocolate bar are pretty minimal... I'll be glad to get away from Mr STD obsessive when this placement is over. He really is the strangest person i have ever met. And quite obnoxious with it sometimes. Being there has actually been ok for the past couple of days, as i have been shadowing a woman called Gill, who is actually half decent, and makes conversation with me.

Nothing much else to report really.

I'm getting bored of thinking of titles already...

I should be working on my portfolio or my lab tour notes or something, but meh, i can't be arsed.

The lab wasn't as bad as i imagined it was going to be. Everyone is as unfriendly and ignorant as ever, but i was only left on my own with nothing to do for about an hour all day, which is quite an achievement on their part. I spent most of the day setting up (ballsing up...) ELISA plates for various things, and reading and making notes. I'm bricking it slightly about the lab tour now i have a fuller idea of how much stuff i'm supposed to waffle on about and therefore *know* about... Oh well. With any luck it will be over and done with by next Thursday and i'll get an extra day off.

I'm missing the Hot Contents, "EP launch party" tonight. Despite only being assembled as a laugh and only having about 3 original songs... they apparently have an EP now. Its going to be a right laugh and i'm missing it : ( Damnit.

Miss him.

Here Now.

Well. I'm here. And i'm feeling like shit, i can tell you.

The room is not so bad. Not quite so mouldy and vile as last time. It has actually been cleaned, and the mattress and carpet are devoid of suspicious looking stains... In preperation for the freshers i suppose.

I miss The Boy already. Like, fiercely achingly so. Bearing in mind, i only left him 5 hours ago, my level of emotional dependency upon him grows ever scarier. (Of course, stupid smooching couples on trains don't help!)

I really do not want to go to work tomorrow. This fortnight just seems to be a huge yawning chasm of never ending-ness in my mind... i simply cannot envisage the end point. It can't possibly be as bad as i'm imagining... i'm just in a really low place at the moment. All i want to do is cry and / crawl into bed and not get out for a year. I'm not quite sure why this experience is having such a bad effect on me, but its not a good feeling.

On a lighter note, Mum text me earlier to tell me i had a letter from the Inland Revenue. Containing a cheque with any luck! I'm undecided what to do with the money at the moment. I can either stick it in my current account and use it as needed this semester (which may or may not end in me spending the majority of it in Topshop...), i can whack it in my ISA, or i can pay off my credit card bill with it. Not my preferred choice, but probably the most sensible. Things stand to be very tight financially this year though, and this option would mean i had no further access to the money, and it would only save me around 70 quid in minimum payments until i graduate... plus theres always the danger that i will just end up whipping out the credit card when i'm (inevitably) skint , and running up the bill again anyway... which would make the whole exercise totally pointless. I'm not sure what my financial priorities should be right now... just getting through the year i suppose. Hmm. I will ask The Boy what he thinks.

Nearly finished Queen Camilla. Need to stop reading so fast, otherwise i'm going to rather bored for the next fortnight...

ARGH I love him and i miss him! (I'm so pathetic).

Think i'll go to bed, even though i'm not really tired.

Sigh...

I'm going back to Keele tomorrow, to finish my hospital placement. Needless to say i'm not relishing the prospect of two more weeks living in stinking student accommodation with noone to talk to, just so i can spend eight hours a day twiddling my thumbs in the lab. I suppose it will be worth it in the end, completing my registration portfolio before i graduate will be incredibly useful in the long run... but it really has been the most poorly organised and dull work placement in the history of work placements... i'm not sure i even want to be a Biomedical Scientist anymore... (Actually, that's just laziness talking, i don't especially want to be anything that involves getting up before eleven more than one day a week...)

Really really don't want to go! I'm going to miss The Boy so much!

On the other hand, i can't wait to go back to Keele properly, to move into my tres expensive and non-stinking accommodation and to study. Slightly nervous about living with people i don't know again, i thought i'd left all that behind in my fresher year... one major disadvantage to binning your course after the first 
year and starting a new one is the leaving you a year behind your friends and housemates and thus consigning yourself to a final year of lonesomeness when they so rudely graduate... but never mind. At least Joey and Roo and Katie Bear will be around to play with. I think bullying Roo into doing her PGCE this year was the smartest thing i ever did!

I went shopping on Thursday and buggered up my budget plan yet again... I can't help myself, its just ridiculous. This summer, i was supposed to have saved £1000 and paid off my overdraft. In actual fact, i will barely have paid off my overdraft, and only if i manage to stick to the rather frugal budget i have had to enforce for the next fortnight after said shopping trip... and there is only about £500 in my ISA now. I am trying to console my self with the fact that i haven't entirely frittered my hopsital wages... i have had to pay for four weeks of temporary accommodation, and been on two holidays this summer. So with the saving and the overdraft paying, i haven't done so badly... Oh well. You're only young once...

Also... i was this week informed that the Inland Revenue owe me £350! So that kind of eases the pressure. Though i don't hold out much hope for receiving said funds for a least 6 years... and since things are going to be tight next year on account of my super posh accommodation, i shouldn't really use it as an excuse to splurge, i should stick to my budgetting and keep it for emergencies.

Anyway, I bought a sort of 50s stylee tea dress, which will look awesome with a big slouchy cardigan and skinny jeans in the autumn, and some books in the Waterstones 3 for 2 offer, as i figured they will give me something to do while i'm rotting away in Hawthornes Hall for the next fortnight (have i mentioned i'm not looking forward to going?). One of which I am currently reading- Queen Camilla by Sue Townsend, which is the sequel to her book The Queen and I. Its very funny, and i've nearly finished it.

Argh i really don't want to go! I can't get rid of this awful niggly feeling. I don't want to leave my boy.  

I shall keep telling myself its going to be fine. I have my books to read, my laptop, portfolio exercises to work on, i can start going to the gym again (finally...) and Joey and Ann are around for social eventage for a 
couple of nights. There's even M, 
if i get desperate... It'll be fine. Fine fine fine.

*sob*

I'm feeling awfully broody at the moment. I think its a combination of seeing the film Knocked Up the other day, and the preponderance of news stories on the current "fertility crisis" that seem to be around at the moment. It makes me impatient to start making babies. Even though i want to work and travel and suchlike. I've always had a nasty feeling that i won't be able to conceive. It sounds strange and highly premature, but its true. Perhaps just a figment of my self pitying imagination eh.

My skin is really nice at the moment.

Weekend Fun

The Boy rang me from work on Saturday evening to say (rather tersely...):

"Shit day. Get dressed. We're going out"

So got dressed i did.  He took me to the Red Chilli restaurant for a slap up curry and a bottle of red. Tres yummy. Then we went to The Jockey for a bit. On our way home we were intercepted by the bass player from KOKaine, and so ended up spending the rest of the night in Escobar watching their gig. Which was excellent. All in all a very good evening!

Sunday we had lunch with The Boy's parents who dropped in on their way to Dover to catch the ferry for yet another holiday... It was a fairly painless experience. I think i may finally be warming to his mother. Sunday afternoon we spent having sex. Which was lovely...

The boy and i spent a lot of time discussing the future this weekend. We are toying with the idea of emigrating. Lets be honest, there is little to no reason to want to live in England anymore. The current chav/yob/benefit culture alternately makes my blood boil and me want to curl up into a ball and cry.... We are almost certainly never going to be able to afford a mortgage, and i am loathe to waste money on renting for years on end, even though the more i think about it, the less necessary it seems to own your own house these days. Of course theres the security, the equity etc, but as long as you actually want to live in a house, you're never going to benefit from the financial side of owning the house. The only people who benefit are your offspring... when you die... But then, the current obsession with "buy to let" properties means that you would pay more than a mortgage payment in rent per month anyway. And i'm damned if i want to spend the rest of my life lining someone elses pockets for no gain of my own... I would love for The Boy and i to own our own house. But in the current climate, and taking into account his total incapability of saving money... i think the chances 
are against it happening 
any time soon. Anyway... we're thinking Canada or France as serious possibilities. For no particular reason other than we like the sound of it. Also I would love to live in New York if only for a year or so. Emigrating would be terrifying, but i kind of like the idea of being slightly nomadic. Even though we've done no research or planning... i'm excited at the possibility of it. I love being able to talk about the future with The Boy.

Blah...

Good God I'm bored...

Came over to stay at the Boy's a day early, before something horrible happened to Demonchild... But he is working all day today, so i'm bored and lonesome... sob.

Demonchild even manages to annoy me when she isn't here. Her most recent slights keep popping up in my head and i'm having to struggle to resist the urge to break things. Namely her face. All this aggression can't be healthy. I think perhaps i'm not quite de-crazed yet... That's another reason to look forward to going back to 
university... when i get back i can register  with the student counselling service. I'm not sure how helpful it will be, but it beats going back on the crazy pills.

I went into town earlier to have a look round and attempt to stave off boredom. I saw lots of lovely things to stock my winter wardrobe up with, but i managed to restrain myself. It is only August after all. And i am skint. I still bought a top though. But it was in the sale...

I really need to reign this shopping addiction in., but meh, its fun. And there are surely worse ways of expressing my lack of self esteem...

I discovered earlier that i am still minorly attracted to M... The less said about that at the moment the better, i think.

I am mucho looking forward to drinking the bottle of wine sitting in the fridge later.

Sigh. Wish The Boy would hurry up.

Yawn

Yawn. Two long nothing-filled days until i see the boy again. Within minutes of arriving home The DemonBitch from Hell made me want to kill her, by being her usual nasty and vindictive self. There isn't a font big enough to express the level of hatred i currently feel towards that child. Euch.

Went to see the Eris and Inamba gig on Tuesday night, which was fun. The Boy brought one of his workmates with him, who seemed nice. I'm glad he has some decent people to work with now, he seems much happier for it. We went for a picnic in the park yesterday, which was all lovely. We managed to only argue for 30 minutes out of the day also, which is quite an achievement i feel!

Bored now.

Ten Reasons...

Ten reasons why i need to start writing this diary before my head explodes...

One: The Boy. I love The Boy. A ridiculous amount. I want to spend every minute of every day with him. So much so that it seems kind of... unhealthy, i think would be the right word. Besotted, infatuated etc. It leads me to wonder whether i love him, or whether he's just a symptom of my general fucked-up-ness...

Two: Despite this fierce love, lately all we do is argue... which is never a good sign. I know its my fault because i'm a clingy awful bunny boiler of a girlfriend. I'm also impossible to please and need constant sources of entertainment, otherwise i go mad and start climbing the walls with boredom. Not the personality traits of choice in a girlfriend...

Three: Its the summer holidays. I am bored. Yes, "only boring people are bored"... but thats fine by me. I am boring and i know it. At university, i'm okay. My friends are around and i have plenty of studying to do. When i'm at home i have nothing. I'm rarely able to find a job, and since the disintegration of ninety percent my pre-university friendships, i rarely have anyone to socialise with either. I'm left to focus entirely on the boy... which isn't terrible, since i hardly see him during term-time. But it makes me overly dependent on him, physically and emotionally. It makes me resent him for having friends and hobbies which i don't have... hence the bunny boiler-ness... hence the arguments....which is just, well, pathetic.

Four: Most of the friendships i had in college, i don't have anymore. At the time, they were so perfect, we were so completely on each other's wavelengths and we had a lot of fun times together. I know it happens to everyone, but after leaving for university; we drifted, kept insufficient contact, and now have little in common. I suppose its just my irrational mind, but i get the impression they don't care. This feeling is enhanced by the fact that many of them kept contact with each other, just not me. Rationally thinking, i know its my own fault. I immersed myself in university and boyfriends and work and so i missed out. I try to keep contact now, to organise meetings, but with little success. Since being at university, i've never really found adequate replacements for these friendships. I have a few close friends but not like before. People at university seem very disposable. One minute they are your flat-mate and best friend, and the next you haven't spoken to each other for ten weeks, and neither of you really care. I find the constant adjustment processes of moving from university to home and back again, difficult to handle, and as a consequence, seem to belong to neither scenario properly. When i'm at home, i seem to feel as though i'm in some kind of limbo, waiting for September for my life to start again.

Five: As i said, i'm boring. The Boy, however, is not. He has friends, hobbies, work... I feel under constant pressure to be going somewhere with someone to do something exciting, all the time. Just to prove to him that i'm not such a sad affair after all.

Six: The DemonBitch from Hell. Otherwise known as my youngest sister. Once upon a time, she idolised me, adored me. Then one day, for reasons known only to herself, she woke up and decided she hated me. Obviously this is somehow my fault (The mother) and i should just rise above it (The mother). And even though she treats me like the metaphorical piece of SHIT on her shoe, I should be nicer to her because i don't understand how difficult it is to be the youngest, and i am psychologically damaging her (The Mother). She is rude and nasty and spiteful and vindictive, and most of the time i would quite like to smash her smug, stupid little face against a wall. Instead, i have to live with her. (Another con of not being at university). My mother is a whole category of her own, but if i start writing about that now, i might be here forever.

Seven: Sometimes (see above) i can be quite aggressive. I only think aggressively. But still.

Eight: A year and a half ago, my libido disappeared. Seemingly never to be seen again. I took the crazy pills, i stopped taking the crazy pills, but still libido = AWOL. (I'm also still pretty crazy... evidently) This makes me incredibly depressed. Not only am i a psycho boiler of a girlfriend, but i also never want to have sex. Could i actually be The Worst Girlfriend Ever (tm) ? It also makes me feel woefully inadequate, less of a woman even.

Nine: I have the skin of a fourteen year old. Its far from pleasant.

Ten: I'm quite impressed i've managed to make this exactly ten. I had my third ever hangover last weekend. Which i think makes me officially old.

Uno

I've decided to start blogging again. I haven't written since Diary-X imploded, taking my self indulgent rambles with it... Its hard to know where to start really.