Life has been moving along at a rather leisurely pace since university finished. I have spent my time eating, sleeping, reading non-university prescribed texts (woohoo!), watching Heroes and snuggling up to Daffyd.
Last Saturday was Korf PVP (past vs. present), where a selection of old players came up to uni for a game and whole lot of drinking. I forget who won the match now, no one takes it particularly seriously, I think it was probably the past team though... Sunday there was a mini tournament type thing organised by Castle, which suffered slightly from lack of people to make up teams, and so ended up just being a 3 hour game of korfball… which was a tad tiring! Maz came and crashed on my floor for the weekend, which was cool having not seen her for a long while. Though she does consistently make me wonder how she survives in the real world…
I certainly suffered after my sporty weekend, having not trained for a few weeks!
This weekend was the infamous Castle Tournament. Dave and I got up at 7 on Saturday morning to pack up all the camping and korfing gear, pick up a couple of other korfers from their respective houses and toddle off to the rugby club, arriving at 8. We then spent 2 hours helping to set up, building gazebos, marking out pitches, making sandwiches etc… Thus followed about 8 hours of solid korfing and trying valiantly not to fall over on the Astroturf pitches (read: glorified sand paper), with some intermittent water drinking and sun cream application. The weather was absolutely glorious, despite a pretty unspectacular couple of weeks. As pathetic as my skin is, I was burning through my t-shirt in the 8am sun, so I spent most of the day obsessively slathering on factor 30. As a consequence, I think I am actually whiter now than I was to begin with… ace. In true KUKC style, we came last, managing to be beaten even by the team which was only assembled at Christmas… which I helped to train…
The social in the evening was a good laugh, with a performance from Tom’s band and lots of general drinking and dancing-ness. We crashed out in our tents at about 1am… to be woken at about 5 by a rather impressive car boot sale set up about 100 feet from our tents. Most of us were up by 7, stood outside the tents looking bleary eyed and sunburnt; and making fun of the car boot sale goers and the drunken antics of the previous night. Dave and I packed up and were home for about 9 to go back to bed for a couple of hours. We spent the rest of the day eating, unpacking, eating, generally tarting about and eating…
Dave is in school next week on placement, so I am going to have to amuse myself for a lot of the time. We have spent pretty much the last fortnight together constantly… and in all honesty it has been lovely. At the risk of speaking to soon, things seem to be going really well. I told him I loved him on Saturday night, in our tent, because, well, I do. In my own way, which I suppose will be difficult to understand. His response? “About bloody time, I’ve properly loved you for ages!”
Oh.
I am still getting used to this different kind of relationship- trying to be less clingy and demanding and selfish and unreasonable, not being able to get away with it anymore. Dave is much less tolerant and indulgent of me. He doesn’t worship the very ground I walk on. There is no pedestal for me to sit on here! It’s a little difficult and I don’t altogether like it, but perhaps it will make me a better person in the end? I don’t know. For the most part, there are no issues, and things are just Lovely.
I am dreading the time when I have to go home and be alone. When I am most likely going to realise the enormity of the change, the loss of The Boy shaped comfort blanket, the utter dreadfulness of my recent behaviour, the immersion of myself into another ridiculous long distance relationship which may not even work out because Dave can be an arse sometimes (conveniently forgetting that this is true of all men…) and I am most probably on the rebound anyway… But for now I choose not to face up any of this.
Dave is taking me home on Friday night… which is going to be excellent to explain to my mother… Then we maybe off to Bristol for another Korfy tournament, though I haven’t decided if I really want to go yet. I am of the tendency to wallow, at the moment and tournaments mean effort, even if it is fun in the end.
Plus I have NO money, and a million things to pay for, which is a bit of a bum.
That is all.
Showing posts with label Korfball. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Korfball. Show all posts
Monday, 2 June 2008
Sunday, 6 April 2008
Vancomycin resistant enterococci, anyone?
I don't really have anything interesting to say, as usual. But i am shattered and bored of writing out essays to learn.
Yesterday was a fairly surreal day. I can't get used to this new partner business, which is in essence what it is. Daffyd and I went into town for a bit, had some lunch, bought a suit (not me...). Went out for dinner in the evening with Alex and a couple of PGCE girls who i've never met before. They were pretty awful... but it was a laugh nonetheless. Chatted to Alex mostly. He's so funny, i love him to pieces. You can't take him anywhere though. I'm pretty sure the waitress spat in our dinner...
Spent the rest of the day dossing around. Had what i suppose can only be described as a "tiff" with Daffyd. Not even worthy of being called an argument. Just a level of cross-ness. He keeps telling me its normal, i am used to one way of doing things and he is used to another, hence when our ways clash, we need time to adjust to it. Which makes sense i suppose. I just feel a little too fragile to be dealing with having him annoyed with me as well right now. So i went home.
First instinct upon going home and crying hysterically was to ring The Boy and demand affection and attention and sympathy etc. But i restrained myself. It wouldn't be fair on him. It would be pathetic. And getting into the habit of running back to him everytime something goes wrong in a new situation is just not a recipe for success. I rang Daffyd in the end and he came back round. I had a big long cry and a chat, got a few things off my chest and i feel a little better now. Didn't get to sleep until about 4.30am, hence the tiredness.
But I think i still miss the Boy. I don't know.
Daffyd is off playing korfball today. I probably should have gone to watch but i couldn't be arsed. Whoever wins today has won the league, so am pretty sure i will be hearing all about it later.
That's all for now.
Yesterday was a fairly surreal day. I can't get used to this new partner business, which is in essence what it is. Daffyd and I went into town for a bit, had some lunch, bought a suit (not me...). Went out for dinner in the evening with Alex and a couple of PGCE girls who i've never met before. They were pretty awful... but it was a laugh nonetheless. Chatted to Alex mostly. He's so funny, i love him to pieces. You can't take him anywhere though. I'm pretty sure the waitress spat in our dinner...
Spent the rest of the day dossing around. Had what i suppose can only be described as a "tiff" with Daffyd. Not even worthy of being called an argument. Just a level of cross-ness. He keeps telling me its normal, i am used to one way of doing things and he is used to another, hence when our ways clash, we need time to adjust to it. Which makes sense i suppose. I just feel a little too fragile to be dealing with having him annoyed with me as well right now. So i went home.
First instinct upon going home and crying hysterically was to ring The Boy and demand affection and attention and sympathy etc. But i restrained myself. It wouldn't be fair on him. It would be pathetic. And getting into the habit of running back to him everytime something goes wrong in a new situation is just not a recipe for success. I rang Daffyd in the end and he came back round. I had a big long cry and a chat, got a few things off my chest and i feel a little better now. Didn't get to sleep until about 4.30am, hence the tiredness.
But I think i still miss the Boy. I don't know.
Daffyd is off playing korfball today. I probably should have gone to watch but i couldn't be arsed. Whoever wins today has won the league, so am pretty sure i will be hearing all about it later.
That's all for now.
Sunday, 16 March 2008
To The End
No i'm not dead. But my laptop is. There are errors on the hard disc, which is about as wrong as it could go really. After a couple of days of crashing and struggling it finally gave up the ghost on Monday morning, when it refused to even boot up anymore. Thankfully all my work was backed up, otherwise the crying and hysteria which ensued could have been far far worse. RIP little laptop, you are well missed.
Its quite ridiculous how much i rely on the computery thing. I literally cannot do anything without it. No work, no internet, no music, no films... nothing. I have had to become excessively reliant on the library and friends to keep me worked and entertained, which is rubbish to say the least.
Anyway. On to the main point of the day. The Daffyd thing, it would appear, is actually, finally over. No messing about this time. Because i am weak and silly, and prone to taking even the most minor of slights the wrong way, i allowed myself to get back into it, after the argument. Which apparently wasn't really an argument, just him being in a bad mood, inadvertantly taking it out on me, and me being oversensitive about it. We have spent the night together since then, last Thursday. Not to have sex, just to sleep. But the general consensus was that it was still a romantic thing. He went off to London for the weekend for his birthday. When he came back, we seemed to be back into the is it on/ is it off situation, where i agonise over the whole thing for days on end, and he wants to spend time with me, cook dinner together, go out etc but makes no moves to imply we are more than just friends. On Monday i rang him in tears because my laptop had died, and i was panicking and upset. He came over, attempted to fix it, failed, spent a bit of time at mine, claiming he couldn't go home because "it was raining" even though i think we can assume he just didn't want to go. Then he took me to his so i could use his computer to do some work, bought me pizza for tea and then we watched a film with Roo. On Tuesday, i went to the pub with Joey. At the end of the evening i get a text on my phone from him, asking if i fancy a trip to Tesco with him... This text he had sent about two hours previously, but i had only just received because my network reception is terrible in Keele. So i replied to say sorry for not texting earlier and missing the Tesco trip. He replies to say he hasn't been yet, as he has been sitting waiting for me to reply. Which seems a little strange. After all, if he wanted to go to Tesco, surely he just would have gone. Excuses? So i went to Tesco with him, and bought food to cook with him, in return for the pizza. We spend a little time together afterwards, but nothing happens. Thursday he wants me to cook for him, but i have work to do, and Korf training, and he apparently is incapable of waiting an hour to eat, so we don't have dinner together. After Korf, i realise in blind panic that i have forgotten to submit my projects electronically (which you have to, so they can be run through the plaigarism software), which potentially means i have missed the deadline and will have my marks capped. So i have to go to Roo's to use her internet to do this. Except her stupid wireless mouse and keyboard for some reason refuse to work when any USB port is in use so i can't actually get my projects from the memory stick onto the computer. So i have to go downstairs and beg the use of Daffyd's computer and internet again. I go in and do it, and come straight out again. Whilst i am there, he tells me that Ele has got a place at Keele to do her PGCE. I ask him if that is a good thing or a bad thing, and he says he doesn't know yet. Which one can only assume is not a good thing, because otherwise he wouldn't even have to think about it... But i don't get into a discussion about it. I leave. Which i am proud of myself for doing. On Friday afternoon, for the first time in a while, he pops up on MSN and speaks to me spontaneously, without me speaking to him first. I in the process of being cold and bored and pretending to work in the library, and so he invites me round for tea, cos he has "loads of food and will never be able to eat it all" Which wasn't entirely the truth... but hey, free tea. More excuses? For some reason, on Friday, i was feeling distinctly underwhelmed by him. I don't know why. I just didn't feel particularly attracted to him or feel like i wanted to be that close to him. Maybe he picked up on this, i don't know. But he quite clearly wanted something romantic today. He was slowly edging closer to making a move, engineering it carefully. We ate tea, and then watched a DVD. Half way through we ended up snuggling up. Then he kissed me. No asking, or tentativeness. Just full on his face in my face. Which i don't stop him from doing. Naturally. Because really i want it. Although it implies we are back in the realms of are we/ aren't we. I have to leave shortly after, as the Korf Student Nationals were on the Saturday, which involved setting off from Keele at 7am... "Are you actually going to leave?" Is what he said. I don't know what would have happened had i not have left. Saturday i am in Manchester all day, playing at Nationals. I have arranged to have tea with him in the evening when i get back, to finally eat the food i bought for him. He is supposed to be cooking it for me as i have spent 8 solid hours playing korfball, but he is being a bit of an arse when i get there, showing off in front of his flatmates. So i end up cooking most of it. We eat together, and he becomes less of an arse. He is quite sweet and tender and when i am quiet asks me if i am ok and if i am tired. Later in the evening we got to a pub in Nantwich to see a band play who Dave and Alex went to uni with. He had asked me if i wanted to go a couple of days earlier, and i had told him i would go if i wasn't too tired. I purposely don't mention it when i am there with him, leaving him the opportunity to not take me, but he tells Alex and Katie i am going with them, so it appears as though i am going... The gig was cool, the band were actually really good. I spend most of it being impossibly attracted to him. When we leave, Dave drives us all back to his and Alex's, without even asking if i want taking home. So i assume he wants me at his. Katie goes home and Alex goes to bed and Dave says "so what are we going to do for the rest of the evening?" We spend a couple of hours farting about, not doing anything in particular and then its midnight, and he says we need to decide something to do, or just go to sleep. So i ask him what kind of night it is. Because in the realms of Daffyd and I, there are sensible nights, and there are not sensible nights. Its difficult to work out which night is which most of the time. He tells me its a "my girlfriend is coming early in the morning, and Alex knows you are here and hasn't left yet- night" Which is fair enough. But one wonders why we spent so much time together if it was that kind of night. Then he tells me again about Ele, and her newly acquired PGCE place and how they will have to live together next year, even though he doesn't really want her to come and doesn't want to live with her and is dreading next year it means we have to be sensible from now on because leaving her now would make things difficult next year. I tell him that i can't cope with the constant chopping and changing anymore and that i am not having cake and eating it anymore, these are real big feelings i have now and i'm not going to let him do this to me again, because it hurts to much. He might be being sensible now, but how long until he changes his mind again? So he says that this is the final decision. Sensible is the final decision. He is never going to leave Ele, and wants to have time to get over this before he has to move in with her next year. He "doesn't want to hurt anybody" and he thinks i will be less hurt than Ele by being left. So i am being left. Which is fine. It was only ever going to end this way. The minute he told me Ele was applying for Keele, i knew she would get in and i knew he would become more trapped and i knew i would be the one who lost. The thing that makes it hurt the most is that i know he wants what i want, he is just too ridiculous and stubborn and stupid to have it. But he refuses to have any of it. I "couldn't possibly understand" their relationship. No matter that they are both living a sham, it is "making her happy". Curing all her problems. Of course it is. Of course she would be thrilled to learn that her boyfriend has been fucking me for the past two months, and that he doesn't really love her and has in fact just been wasting her life when she could have been out finding someone who really loves her. He told me that last week, he was all geared up to leave her for me, because he thought it was the right thing to do. But then, they went to London together, and it wasn't as bad as he thought, so he didn't... I'm pretty sure that sounded a lot better in his head...
So it is over. Which i might find a little easier to accept if i didn't know that he wants me exactly as much as i want him. He still wants to be friends, to the extent that we always have been. I'm not sure how that will work, since when i'm with him, all i want to do is touch him and kiss him and he tells me he wants the same. But neither of us want to go through some ridiculous charade of ignoring each other for the rest of the year. I am taking a few days away from him anyway. Until i decide.
I am fairly certain i could go home now, and persuade myself to be in love with The Boy again. I don't particularly want to get over Daffyd, and i certainly don't want him to get over me. But the alternative is Nothing. Its never going to happen. He is ditching me, to have a nice cosy life with Ele. There is always a constant in his nice worked out little life, and that is her. I, on the other hand, feel like i have had my life smashed up into tiny little pieces. I am not sure on what basis i can make things work with The Boy anymore. I should probably leave him, just on moral grounds, but apparently i am not big on morality and so will probably stay with him as a comfort blanket. But i'm not sure how long i can do that for. And then i have nothing. I don't have Boy or Daffyd. And he carries on his perfect little life as though nothing ever happened. Even now, as i write this, he is out having Sunday lunch with her, pretending things are nice and normal. While i am alone and hurt.
Part of me wants Ele to find out. If i left The Boy and told him i had been cheating on him, i'm pretty sure she would find out. He can be very vengeful. But part of me wants to tell her. Not personally, but i want her to know. Which is horrible and selfish because she has been raped and self harms and god knows what else and she doesn't deserve to be hurt anymore. But she has a right to know, yes? And i wouldn't be doing it for her, for nobility, i would be doing it for selfish and vindictive reasons. And that wouldn't get me what i want anyway. Daffyd would know what i had done and then he would hate me.
I am so upset, and he doesn't really seem to understand why. Which is frustrating.
I can think of lots of reasons why it is a very good thing that this is over. But right now i can't see past the feelings.
I am tempted to tell Katie about what has been going on. I suspect she would lose a lot of respect for me, lord knows i have lost all respect for myself. But i would have someone to talk and cry to. She could tell me what a cunt he is and how i am too good for him. And things would feel better. I would feel less like cutting myself up. But then i would have to tell Roo. Part of me wants to tell her too. But i don't know. Then they would hate him. Which would be difficult.
In other news. KUKC did not come last at the student Nationals. We came 13th out of 16. We didn't even spend the whole day getting mullered like we did at regionals. Though we lost most of our games and drew two and won one, we only lost by one goal each time. There was no screaming and retribution, possibly due to the calming influence of Jon, our coach who came this time. All in all, it was a fairly pleasant day. And the last time Keele 1 will officially play together as a team. Which is quite sad really. The more i think about these things, the less i want to leave university.
My sister has been dumped by her boyfriend. The last time my sister was dumped by her boyfriend, she slashed her wrists... Don't really know what to do about that one.
All in all i think a negative outcome for the week.
Its quite ridiculous how much i rely on the computery thing. I literally cannot do anything without it. No work, no internet, no music, no films... nothing. I have had to become excessively reliant on the library and friends to keep me worked and entertained, which is rubbish to say the least.
Anyway. On to the main point of the day. The Daffyd thing, it would appear, is actually, finally over. No messing about this time. Because i am weak and silly, and prone to taking even the most minor of slights the wrong way, i allowed myself to get back into it, after the argument. Which apparently wasn't really an argument, just him being in a bad mood, inadvertantly taking it out on me, and me being oversensitive about it. We have spent the night together since then, last Thursday. Not to have sex, just to sleep. But the general consensus was that it was still a romantic thing. He went off to London for the weekend for his birthday. When he came back, we seemed to be back into the is it on/ is it off situation, where i agonise over the whole thing for days on end, and he wants to spend time with me, cook dinner together, go out etc but makes no moves to imply we are more than just friends. On Monday i rang him in tears because my laptop had died, and i was panicking and upset. He came over, attempted to fix it, failed, spent a bit of time at mine, claiming he couldn't go home because "it was raining" even though i think we can assume he just didn't want to go. Then he took me to his so i could use his computer to do some work, bought me pizza for tea and then we watched a film with Roo. On Tuesday, i went to the pub with Joey. At the end of the evening i get a text on my phone from him, asking if i fancy a trip to Tesco with him... This text he had sent about two hours previously, but i had only just received because my network reception is terrible in Keele. So i replied to say sorry for not texting earlier and missing the Tesco trip. He replies to say he hasn't been yet, as he has been sitting waiting for me to reply. Which seems a little strange. After all, if he wanted to go to Tesco, surely he just would have gone. Excuses? So i went to Tesco with him, and bought food to cook with him, in return for the pizza. We spend a little time together afterwards, but nothing happens. Thursday he wants me to cook for him, but i have work to do, and Korf training, and he apparently is incapable of waiting an hour to eat, so we don't have dinner together. After Korf, i realise in blind panic that i have forgotten to submit my projects electronically (which you have to, so they can be run through the plaigarism software), which potentially means i have missed the deadline and will have my marks capped. So i have to go to Roo's to use her internet to do this. Except her stupid wireless mouse and keyboard for some reason refuse to work when any USB port is in use so i can't actually get my projects from the memory stick onto the computer. So i have to go downstairs and beg the use of Daffyd's computer and internet again. I go in and do it, and come straight out again. Whilst i am there, he tells me that Ele has got a place at Keele to do her PGCE. I ask him if that is a good thing or a bad thing, and he says he doesn't know yet. Which one can only assume is not a good thing, because otherwise he wouldn't even have to think about it... But i don't get into a discussion about it. I leave. Which i am proud of myself for doing. On Friday afternoon, for the first time in a while, he pops up on MSN and speaks to me spontaneously, without me speaking to him first. I in the process of being cold and bored and pretending to work in the library, and so he invites me round for tea, cos he has "loads of food and will never be able to eat it all" Which wasn't entirely the truth... but hey, free tea. More excuses? For some reason, on Friday, i was feeling distinctly underwhelmed by him. I don't know why. I just didn't feel particularly attracted to him or feel like i wanted to be that close to him. Maybe he picked up on this, i don't know. But he quite clearly wanted something romantic today. He was slowly edging closer to making a move, engineering it carefully. We ate tea, and then watched a DVD. Half way through we ended up snuggling up. Then he kissed me. No asking, or tentativeness. Just full on his face in my face. Which i don't stop him from doing. Naturally. Because really i want it. Although it implies we are back in the realms of are we/ aren't we. I have to leave shortly after, as the Korf Student Nationals were on the Saturday, which involved setting off from Keele at 7am... "Are you actually going to leave?" Is what he said. I don't know what would have happened had i not have left. Saturday i am in Manchester all day, playing at Nationals. I have arranged to have tea with him in the evening when i get back, to finally eat the food i bought for him. He is supposed to be cooking it for me as i have spent 8 solid hours playing korfball, but he is being a bit of an arse when i get there, showing off in front of his flatmates. So i end up cooking most of it. We eat together, and he becomes less of an arse. He is quite sweet and tender and when i am quiet asks me if i am ok and if i am tired. Later in the evening we got to a pub in Nantwich to see a band play who Dave and Alex went to uni with. He had asked me if i wanted to go a couple of days earlier, and i had told him i would go if i wasn't too tired. I purposely don't mention it when i am there with him, leaving him the opportunity to not take me, but he tells Alex and Katie i am going with them, so it appears as though i am going... The gig was cool, the band were actually really good. I spend most of it being impossibly attracted to him. When we leave, Dave drives us all back to his and Alex's, without even asking if i want taking home. So i assume he wants me at his. Katie goes home and Alex goes to bed and Dave says "so what are we going to do for the rest of the evening?" We spend a couple of hours farting about, not doing anything in particular and then its midnight, and he says we need to decide something to do, or just go to sleep. So i ask him what kind of night it is. Because in the realms of Daffyd and I, there are sensible nights, and there are not sensible nights. Its difficult to work out which night is which most of the time. He tells me its a "my girlfriend is coming early in the morning, and Alex knows you are here and hasn't left yet- night" Which is fair enough. But one wonders why we spent so much time together if it was that kind of night. Then he tells me again about Ele, and her newly acquired PGCE place and how they will have to live together next year, even though he doesn't really want her to come and doesn't want to live with her and is dreading next year it means we have to be sensible from now on because leaving her now would make things difficult next year. I tell him that i can't cope with the constant chopping and changing anymore and that i am not having cake and eating it anymore, these are real big feelings i have now and i'm not going to let him do this to me again, because it hurts to much. He might be being sensible now, but how long until he changes his mind again? So he says that this is the final decision. Sensible is the final decision. He is never going to leave Ele, and wants to have time to get over this before he has to move in with her next year. He "doesn't want to hurt anybody" and he thinks i will be less hurt than Ele by being left. So i am being left. Which is fine. It was only ever going to end this way. The minute he told me Ele was applying for Keele, i knew she would get in and i knew he would become more trapped and i knew i would be the one who lost. The thing that makes it hurt the most is that i know he wants what i want, he is just too ridiculous and stubborn and stupid to have it. But he refuses to have any of it. I "couldn't possibly understand" their relationship. No matter that they are both living a sham, it is "making her happy". Curing all her problems. Of course it is. Of course she would be thrilled to learn that her boyfriend has been fucking me for the past two months, and that he doesn't really love her and has in fact just been wasting her life when she could have been out finding someone who really loves her. He told me that last week, he was all geared up to leave her for me, because he thought it was the right thing to do. But then, they went to London together, and it wasn't as bad as he thought, so he didn't... I'm pretty sure that sounded a lot better in his head...
So it is over. Which i might find a little easier to accept if i didn't know that he wants me exactly as much as i want him. He still wants to be friends, to the extent that we always have been. I'm not sure how that will work, since when i'm with him, all i want to do is touch him and kiss him and he tells me he wants the same. But neither of us want to go through some ridiculous charade of ignoring each other for the rest of the year. I am taking a few days away from him anyway. Until i decide.
I am fairly certain i could go home now, and persuade myself to be in love with The Boy again. I don't particularly want to get over Daffyd, and i certainly don't want him to get over me. But the alternative is Nothing. Its never going to happen. He is ditching me, to have a nice cosy life with Ele. There is always a constant in his nice worked out little life, and that is her. I, on the other hand, feel like i have had my life smashed up into tiny little pieces. I am not sure on what basis i can make things work with The Boy anymore. I should probably leave him, just on moral grounds, but apparently i am not big on morality and so will probably stay with him as a comfort blanket. But i'm not sure how long i can do that for. And then i have nothing. I don't have Boy or Daffyd. And he carries on his perfect little life as though nothing ever happened. Even now, as i write this, he is out having Sunday lunch with her, pretending things are nice and normal. While i am alone and hurt.
Part of me wants Ele to find out. If i left The Boy and told him i had been cheating on him, i'm pretty sure she would find out. He can be very vengeful. But part of me wants to tell her. Not personally, but i want her to know. Which is horrible and selfish because she has been raped and self harms and god knows what else and she doesn't deserve to be hurt anymore. But she has a right to know, yes? And i wouldn't be doing it for her, for nobility, i would be doing it for selfish and vindictive reasons. And that wouldn't get me what i want anyway. Daffyd would know what i had done and then he would hate me.
I am so upset, and he doesn't really seem to understand why. Which is frustrating.
I can think of lots of reasons why it is a very good thing that this is over. But right now i can't see past the feelings.
I am tempted to tell Katie about what has been going on. I suspect she would lose a lot of respect for me, lord knows i have lost all respect for myself. But i would have someone to talk and cry to. She could tell me what a cunt he is and how i am too good for him. And things would feel better. I would feel less like cutting myself up. But then i would have to tell Roo. Part of me wants to tell her too. But i don't know. Then they would hate him. Which would be difficult.
In other news. KUKC did not come last at the student Nationals. We came 13th out of 16. We didn't even spend the whole day getting mullered like we did at regionals. Though we lost most of our games and drew two and won one, we only lost by one goal each time. There was no screaming and retribution, possibly due to the calming influence of Jon, our coach who came this time. All in all, it was a fairly pleasant day. And the last time Keele 1 will officially play together as a team. Which is quite sad really. The more i think about these things, the less i want to leave university.
My sister has been dumped by her boyfriend. The last time my sister was dumped by her boyfriend, she slashed her wrists... Don't really know what to do about that one.
All in all i think a negative outcome for the week.
Tuesday, 4 March 2008
Stuff and Fings...
I am so unbelievably tired. Today, i've had to like, do stuff. Shocking.
I had lectures 9 til 1, and then in the afternoon my IBMS/ HPC registration portfolio was assessed... which took fucking ages. Four hours we had to sit in the undergrad room, pretending to do tutorial work and generally faffing around, while the examiners went through the portfolios sentence by sodding sentence apparently... Though i passed, in the end. So now i can be let loose in the NHS, whoop!
I am still agonising over the Daffyd situation. After our argument on Sunday in which he was incredibly rude and vicious towards me for no apparent reason, i decided i wasn't going to speak to him until he apologised. Despite my inherent obsessiveness, i managed to stand my ground. On Monday, he found a couple of really ridiculous reasons to text me. One nil to me i think. He was his usual infuriating self, acting as though nothing had happened, chattering away. I asked him if he was going to apologise, and he said no, basically. I had another rather nasty discussion, in which he proved what a nasty, manipulative, controlling and self righteous arsehole he is. He refuses to accept any responsibility for upsetting me, and doggedly insisted that the whole thing was my fault and just generally spent an hour implying how stupid and pathetic i was. I was so incredibly frustrated and upset with him, i couldn't even bear to argue with him any longer.
Today i went to Crewe to play a match and generally help coach with the korf beginners from the new C&N club that Roo has set up with a couple of people from Castle. I knew he was going to be there, but at the end of the day, Roo asked me to go, and i'm not going to hide away because of him. I was apprehensive. But he was just acting as though nothing had happened. Simultaneously good, as i didn't have the energy for another argument with him, and annoying, as he knows how much he has upset me this week, and doesn't even have the decency to make reference to it. He didn't invite me to his after, and i haven't made reference to it. I am disappointed, but i know i shouldn't be. It infuriates me that he isn't trying to be with me. I would take great pleasure in being able to cut him down. I sincerely hope he hasn't decided he is being sensible again, and thinks he is holding me at arms length until i get the message. If its over, its over because i say it is, because he is an arsehole, and i want him to know that. I know it shouldn't matter but it does. He thinks i am some needy clingy little bint who will keep running back to him, who he can just charm into bed when he feels like it, and who he can ignore when he pleases. Well i won't be. And he is going to know it.
(Now i just need to convince myself).
(I still miss him and want him. Clearly moreso now i think i can't have him)
God, i am such a fuckwit.
Sleep time i think.
I had lectures 9 til 1, and then in the afternoon my IBMS/ HPC registration portfolio was assessed... which took fucking ages. Four hours we had to sit in the undergrad room, pretending to do tutorial work and generally faffing around, while the examiners went through the portfolios sentence by sodding sentence apparently... Though i passed, in the end. So now i can be let loose in the NHS, whoop!
I am still agonising over the Daffyd situation. After our argument on Sunday in which he was incredibly rude and vicious towards me for no apparent reason, i decided i wasn't going to speak to him until he apologised. Despite my inherent obsessiveness, i managed to stand my ground. On Monday, he found a couple of really ridiculous reasons to text me. One nil to me i think. He was his usual infuriating self, acting as though nothing had happened, chattering away. I asked him if he was going to apologise, and he said no, basically. I had another rather nasty discussion, in which he proved what a nasty, manipulative, controlling and self righteous arsehole he is. He refuses to accept any responsibility for upsetting me, and doggedly insisted that the whole thing was my fault and just generally spent an hour implying how stupid and pathetic i was. I was so incredibly frustrated and upset with him, i couldn't even bear to argue with him any longer.
Today i went to Crewe to play a match and generally help coach with the korf beginners from the new C&N club that Roo has set up with a couple of people from Castle. I knew he was going to be there, but at the end of the day, Roo asked me to go, and i'm not going to hide away because of him. I was apprehensive. But he was just acting as though nothing had happened. Simultaneously good, as i didn't have the energy for another argument with him, and annoying, as he knows how much he has upset me this week, and doesn't even have the decency to make reference to it. He didn't invite me to his after, and i haven't made reference to it. I am disappointed, but i know i shouldn't be. It infuriates me that he isn't trying to be with me. I would take great pleasure in being able to cut him down. I sincerely hope he hasn't decided he is being sensible again, and thinks he is holding me at arms length until i get the message. If its over, its over because i say it is, because he is an arsehole, and i want him to know that. I know it shouldn't matter but it does. He thinks i am some needy clingy little bint who will keep running back to him, who he can just charm into bed when he feels like it, and who he can ignore when he pleases. Well i won't be. And he is going to know it.
(Now i just need to convince myself).
(I still miss him and want him. Clearly moreso now i think i can't have him)
God, i am such a fuckwit.
Sleep time i think.
Saturday, 1 March 2008
One track minds...
Yesterday in the middle of a perfectly normal conversation, Roo suddenly demanded to know, rather heatedly, "why do your boobs look so enormous in that top!?" I was forced to reply that i didn't really know.
Later on, Daffyd told me he was in love with my breasts. (Not me now... Just my breasts...)
For the record, my breasts are pretty average. I'm not quite sure why the whole world has developed such an obsession with them this past week... But hey. One day i will be old and saggy. And these conversations will be a comfort to me, i'm sure.
Keele One lost yet another match last night, and so we can now no longer come top of the league. But we came top last year so, its not so bad...
Second team nationals are in a fortnight, and if first team nationals were anything to go by, i am not looking forward to that day...
I stayed at Daffyd's last night, which was a tad risky and i probably won't be doing again. That's one good thing about living in my flat. Noone really cares if i'm alive or dead, and so aren't particularly interested in who is sleeping in my bed either!
I have started my project analysis and discussion today! I probably should feel slightly less stressed now, but i am starting to become aware of the ever expanding pile of other work i have to do in the next fortnight and so it is a hollow victory. I just can't seem to motivate myself to do any work at the moment. I seem to get to this point every year, where i just can't work, and the work that i am doing feels like its utter shite. Third year, second semester is a rather unfortunate time to choke though. Sigh.
Plus usual residual guilt.
Later on, Daffyd told me he was in love with my breasts. (Not me now... Just my breasts...)
For the record, my breasts are pretty average. I'm not quite sure why the whole world has developed such an obsession with them this past week... But hey. One day i will be old and saggy. And these conversations will be a comfort to me, i'm sure.
Keele One lost yet another match last night, and so we can now no longer come top of the league. But we came top last year so, its not so bad...
Second team nationals are in a fortnight, and if first team nationals were anything to go by, i am not looking forward to that day...
I stayed at Daffyd's last night, which was a tad risky and i probably won't be doing again. That's one good thing about living in my flat. Noone really cares if i'm alive or dead, and so aren't particularly interested in who is sleeping in my bed either!
I have started my project analysis and discussion today! I probably should feel slightly less stressed now, but i am starting to become aware of the ever expanding pile of other work i have to do in the next fortnight and so it is a hollow victory. I just can't seem to motivate myself to do any work at the moment. I seem to get to this point every year, where i just can't work, and the work that i am doing feels like its utter shite. Third year, second semester is a rather unfortunate time to choke though. Sigh.
Plus usual residual guilt.
Saturday, 23 February 2008
On course for disaster...
There are so many things in my head that i need to write, but i'm finding it hard to find out what they are and put them into some kind of sensible order.
I have had a horrible and confusing week and it is all completely self inflicted.
Last weekend The Boy came down to stay. He is a lot more perceptive than we give him credit for, and seems to realise that there is something not quite right. Though to be fair, my distantness and continual irritation at him probably gives it away a little. The thing about The Boy is, when he senses something is amiss, something he thinks (rightly or wrongly) is jeopardising our relationship, his natural instinct is to cling. I swear there are limpits with less adhesive ability. And he whines. God, how i hate whining. Coupled with the fact that i live in a very small space, and that he hadn't had the foresight to actually bring anything with him to do for the entire week... Well i was horrible to him. An actual bitch.
On Sunday, Daffyd for some reason saw fit to tell Roo about the whole sorry "situation" that has been occurring between us, despite the fact that i expressly told him to Not Under Any Circumstances Tell Ruth, on more than one occasion. I had neither the physical opportunity or emotional capacity to be explaining things to Roo, bollocking Dave and keeping things normal and concealed from The Boy, and as such, spent most of the weekend on the verge of a panic attack.
I was livid with Daffyd. Not only did he choose to break my trust, but specifically at a time when he knows full well that The Boy was here, and i couldn't do anything about it. It seemed to me that he was either a) not as bothered about Boy finding out and leaving me as he claimed, b) deliberately trying to stir up trouble between me and Roo, c) feeling guilty whilst visiting El, and creating some kind of backlash towards me to end things once and for all d) jealous that i was with Boy and he wasn't centre of attention or e) wanting El to find out but not wanting to tell her himself. Though he claimed that he "wasn't doing it to get at me"
I managed to get away and talk things through with Roo, who was understanding and lovely, despite her excessively high moral standards, and i felt incredibly guilty for not just telling her in the first place. She is clearly hurt by the fact that i didn't. We decide that Daffyd is an arse, and clearly the sensible solution to the whole issue is just to ignore him. This is a recurring theme, so pay attention.
Meanwhile i am being progressively more vile to The Boy and eventually have to send him to Karl's two days early, for fear of actually murdering him.
Being the argumentative bint that i am, after Boy left i demanded to see Daffyd for an explanation. He tells me that his weekend with El was horrible and they had an argument, which he was telling Roo about which somehow culminated in him telling her he had feelings for me, because he needed to "vent". He says there was no malicious intent whatsoever. And while everyone has been telling me he is manipulative and controlling and trying to screw me over, i don't want to believe that because it means i am an exceptionally bad judge of character and that he has been out to hurt me all along. So i don't believe it. While i am still incredibly cross with him, i find it difficult to maintain when he sits there so placidly telling me quite simply that i've got it all wrong.
The day after Daffyd cooks me dinner before Korf training. Tired and full of food i fall asleep on his bed. I wake up to find him staring at me.
Later on in the evening i receive text messages from Katie, demanding to know why i am having dinner with Dave when i am meant to staying away from him. (Fucking Alex, the grass). I have to bite my tongue when replying to prevent unleashing a "fuck-off-since-when-do-i-have-to-answer-to-you-i-am-perfectly-capable-of-making-my-own-decisions" type tirade. At this point i realise the increasing potential of this situation to leave me well and truly with nothing. I am lying to my friends and deliberately going against their advice, when they only want me to do the sensible thing and not make a complete fuck up of my entire life.
Dave is upset that Roo and Katie are now not speaking to him because they think he is screwing me over and trying to stir up trouble between us all. He seems to think he is going to be taking it out on me. I feel guilty only momentarily. He did, after all bring it on himself. I did warn him not to tell Ruth. After the Katie texts, he decides the only way to deal with the situation is for us to ignore each other. Or as he says, i am going to end up having to choose between him and Ruth and Katie. Again, this seems like the sensible thing to do. But in my fragile mood, i refuse to have any of it. I can't face losing him just yet. He concedes that it wouldn't make him that happy either.
Yesterday was a Korf match day. (Incidentally, we didn't lose, but we only drew, which doesn't bode well for our place in the league). Dave ignored me for the entire match. After we all went to the pub and actually ended up having a really good laugh. Dave suddenly was speaking to me again. After the pub, prompted by him, i went back to his to get painkillers for a headache i mentioned earlier in the evening (a rather inventive reason for invitation on his part i thought). Things did not take a sensible turn.
It must appear that i am being used, or screwed over, or whatever. That i am a naive and silly little girl. But i know he genuinely does have feelings for me. He is just stubborn, and confused. Which i can hardly aberrate him for, when i am exactly the same. And as last night proved, i can play him quite effortlessly at his own game. I can engineer the circumstances just as well as he can, no matter how many times he tells me its finished and he is being sensible again.
I am quite terrified by this whole situation. The only time i don't feel anxious about it is when i am with him. Maybe i am clinging onto some small sliver of hoping that he is going to leave Ele. Though if i am honest, i'm not exactly sure how the hell i would react if he did.
I'm not going to let this carry on for very much longer. I don't know how much longer. Only that it has to be me who decides. Not him.
I am afraid of having to leave The Boy. There was never any question of not loving him until this all started. But i don't think things will ever be the same with him now. My continuing irritation at him makes me feel as though i am beginning to love him less. By losing him, i am losing a future, as well as a past and present. It really would represent the total degradation of my entire life. But apparently i am not prepared to lose Daffyd either right now.
This is all so incredibly ridiculous. I'm ashamed to even write it.
I have had a horrible and confusing week and it is all completely self inflicted.
Last weekend The Boy came down to stay. He is a lot more perceptive than we give him credit for, and seems to realise that there is something not quite right. Though to be fair, my distantness and continual irritation at him probably gives it away a little. The thing about The Boy is, when he senses something is amiss, something he thinks (rightly or wrongly) is jeopardising our relationship, his natural instinct is to cling. I swear there are limpits with less adhesive ability. And he whines. God, how i hate whining. Coupled with the fact that i live in a very small space, and that he hadn't had the foresight to actually bring anything with him to do for the entire week... Well i was horrible to him. An actual bitch.
On Sunday, Daffyd for some reason saw fit to tell Roo about the whole sorry "situation" that has been occurring between us, despite the fact that i expressly told him to Not Under Any Circumstances Tell Ruth, on more than one occasion. I had neither the physical opportunity or emotional capacity to be explaining things to Roo, bollocking Dave and keeping things normal and concealed from The Boy, and as such, spent most of the weekend on the verge of a panic attack.
I was livid with Daffyd. Not only did he choose to break my trust, but specifically at a time when he knows full well that The Boy was here, and i couldn't do anything about it. It seemed to me that he was either a) not as bothered about Boy finding out and leaving me as he claimed, b) deliberately trying to stir up trouble between me and Roo, c) feeling guilty whilst visiting El, and creating some kind of backlash towards me to end things once and for all d) jealous that i was with Boy and he wasn't centre of attention or e) wanting El to find out but not wanting to tell her himself. Though he claimed that he "wasn't doing it to get at me"
I managed to get away and talk things through with Roo, who was understanding and lovely, despite her excessively high moral standards, and i felt incredibly guilty for not just telling her in the first place. She is clearly hurt by the fact that i didn't. We decide that Daffyd is an arse, and clearly the sensible solution to the whole issue is just to ignore him. This is a recurring theme, so pay attention.
Meanwhile i am being progressively more vile to The Boy and eventually have to send him to Karl's two days early, for fear of actually murdering him.
Being the argumentative bint that i am, after Boy left i demanded to see Daffyd for an explanation. He tells me that his weekend with El was horrible and they had an argument, which he was telling Roo about which somehow culminated in him telling her he had feelings for me, because he needed to "vent". He says there was no malicious intent whatsoever. And while everyone has been telling me he is manipulative and controlling and trying to screw me over, i don't want to believe that because it means i am an exceptionally bad judge of character and that he has been out to hurt me all along. So i don't believe it. While i am still incredibly cross with him, i find it difficult to maintain when he sits there so placidly telling me quite simply that i've got it all wrong.
The day after Daffyd cooks me dinner before Korf training. Tired and full of food i fall asleep on his bed. I wake up to find him staring at me.
Later on in the evening i receive text messages from Katie, demanding to know why i am having dinner with Dave when i am meant to staying away from him. (Fucking Alex, the grass). I have to bite my tongue when replying to prevent unleashing a "fuck-off-since-when-do-i-have-to-answer-to-you-i-am-perfectly-capable-of-making-my-own-decisions" type tirade. At this point i realise the increasing potential of this situation to leave me well and truly with nothing. I am lying to my friends and deliberately going against their advice, when they only want me to do the sensible thing and not make a complete fuck up of my entire life.
Dave is upset that Roo and Katie are now not speaking to him because they think he is screwing me over and trying to stir up trouble between us all. He seems to think he is going to be taking it out on me. I feel guilty only momentarily. He did, after all bring it on himself. I did warn him not to tell Ruth. After the Katie texts, he decides the only way to deal with the situation is for us to ignore each other. Or as he says, i am going to end up having to choose between him and Ruth and Katie. Again, this seems like the sensible thing to do. But in my fragile mood, i refuse to have any of it. I can't face losing him just yet. He concedes that it wouldn't make him that happy either.
Yesterday was a Korf match day. (Incidentally, we didn't lose, but we only drew, which doesn't bode well for our place in the league). Dave ignored me for the entire match. After we all went to the pub and actually ended up having a really good laugh. Dave suddenly was speaking to me again. After the pub, prompted by him, i went back to his to get painkillers for a headache i mentioned earlier in the evening (a rather inventive reason for invitation on his part i thought). Things did not take a sensible turn.
It must appear that i am being used, or screwed over, or whatever. That i am a naive and silly little girl. But i know he genuinely does have feelings for me. He is just stubborn, and confused. Which i can hardly aberrate him for, when i am exactly the same. And as last night proved, i can play him quite effortlessly at his own game. I can engineer the circumstances just as well as he can, no matter how many times he tells me its finished and he is being sensible again.
I am quite terrified by this whole situation. The only time i don't feel anxious about it is when i am with him. Maybe i am clinging onto some small sliver of hoping that he is going to leave Ele. Though if i am honest, i'm not exactly sure how the hell i would react if he did.
I'm not going to let this carry on for very much longer. I don't know how much longer. Only that it has to be me who decides. Not him.
I am afraid of having to leave The Boy. There was never any question of not loving him until this all started. But i don't think things will ever be the same with him now. My continuing irritation at him makes me feel as though i am beginning to love him less. By losing him, i am losing a future, as well as a past and present. It really would represent the total degradation of my entire life. But apparently i am not prepared to lose Daffyd either right now.
This is all so incredibly ridiculous. I'm ashamed to even write it.
Friday, 25 January 2008
In other news...
I have had a very busy and productive first week back. Well busy by my standards, not by a normal person's...
I have had lectures and tutorials and project meetings... I have revised my opinion on GH slightly. He is still incredibly annoying and ineffectual, but the levels of hatred towards him have subsided a little, and i am feeling less stressed out about the whole lack of meaningful project results thing. The general opininon is that rubbish results means lots of things to moan about in the discussion section. So i guess i'll have to go with that.
I have finished my registration portfolio and handed it in. I don't care if GH wants me to do anything else to it now, quite frankly i never want to see the damn thing again.
I have started writing my non-experimental project! Its coming along quite nicely so far, although i am quite blatantly going to max out the word count...
I have chosen my dissertation titles and handed in the request form. I doubt there was much point in bothering, since the usual favourites will get their first choices and the rest of us (i.e. me) will end up with the crap that is left. Though to be fair, there wasn't an awful lot to go on to begin with... I give you Exhibit A:
Vomiting- A valuable defence, or just an irritating symptom of disease?
I ask you. Who the hell wants to write five thousand words about vomit? Oh the joys of Biomedical Science.
I bet i get that one. I bet you.
The Boy is coming down tomorrow! I can't wait. Birthday Celebrations Mark Two are occuring tomorrow night. Boy, Katie, Maz, Ann, Dave, Joey and me are going for a curry in Newcastle. I am really looking forward to it. I think this is the first time in about three years that i have organised something and people have actually bothered to come. Maz is down from Manchester for the weekend and is staying with Gill. Hence i am recieving substantial guilt trip from her about not inviting Gill to come too. I admit it is a little awkward for her, but i'll be damned if i'm going to invite Gill when can't fucking stand her! Plus if she came then the whole sorry Korfing Crew would have to come. And then i would have to drown myself in a Korma or something.
They are such hypocrites. They never bloody invite me anywhere (not that i'm bothered, i wouldn't go because i can't stand them... but thats not the point!) I could drop down dead in my room and not be seen for weeks and Phil and Mike wouldn't notice. And Gill and Fake-Cough are just plain ignorant. I don't know how Gill has the cheek to expect to be coming. But anyhow...
I korfed tonight. Only for an hour, thankfully. Exercising was a bit of a culture shock after all the time off i've had. During training, i managed to bang my head twice, doing exactly the same thing both times... As if i didn't feel bad enough already... I think i am probably concussed now...
Mum is nagging about when i am going home again already. Which confuses me slightly, since she never seems that interested when i am there. Sigh.
I don't really have anything interesting to say, so i'm going to stop now.
I have had lectures and tutorials and project meetings... I have revised my opinion on GH slightly. He is still incredibly annoying and ineffectual, but the levels of hatred towards him have subsided a little, and i am feeling less stressed out about the whole lack of meaningful project results thing. The general opininon is that rubbish results means lots of things to moan about in the discussion section. So i guess i'll have to go with that.
I have finished my registration portfolio and handed it in. I don't care if GH wants me to do anything else to it now, quite frankly i never want to see the damn thing again.
I have started writing my non-experimental project! Its coming along quite nicely so far, although i am quite blatantly going to max out the word count...
I have chosen my dissertation titles and handed in the request form. I doubt there was much point in bothering, since the usual favourites will get their first choices and the rest of us (i.e. me) will end up with the crap that is left. Though to be fair, there wasn't an awful lot to go on to begin with... I give you Exhibit A:
Vomiting- A valuable defence, or just an irritating symptom of disease?
I ask you. Who the hell wants to write five thousand words about vomit? Oh the joys of Biomedical Science.
I bet i get that one. I bet you.
The Boy is coming down tomorrow! I can't wait. Birthday Celebrations Mark Two are occuring tomorrow night. Boy, Katie, Maz, Ann, Dave, Joey and me are going for a curry in Newcastle. I am really looking forward to it. I think this is the first time in about three years that i have organised something and people have actually bothered to come. Maz is down from Manchester for the weekend and is staying with Gill. Hence i am recieving substantial guilt trip from her about not inviting Gill to come too. I admit it is a little awkward for her, but i'll be damned if i'm going to invite Gill when can't fucking stand her! Plus if she came then the whole sorry Korfing Crew would have to come. And then i would have to drown myself in a Korma or something.
They are such hypocrites. They never bloody invite me anywhere (not that i'm bothered, i wouldn't go because i can't stand them... but thats not the point!) I could drop down dead in my room and not be seen for weeks and Phil and Mike wouldn't notice. And Gill and Fake-Cough are just plain ignorant. I don't know how Gill has the cheek to expect to be coming. But anyhow...
I korfed tonight. Only for an hour, thankfully. Exercising was a bit of a culture shock after all the time off i've had. During training, i managed to bang my head twice, doing exactly the same thing both times... As if i didn't feel bad enough already... I think i am probably concussed now...
Mum is nagging about when i am going home again already. Which confuses me slightly, since she never seems that interested when i am there. Sigh.
I don't really have anything interesting to say, so i'm going to stop now.
Monday, 10 December 2007
Never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die...
Ouch, moan, whimper. Damn my menstrual cycle.
I have been a busy bee. Well, a busy Korfing bee. I haven't actually done any useful university type work since Thursday. There was a league match on Thursday- Keele 1 vs Keele 2, which was never going to work out too well since we don't actually have enough players for both teams to play at the same time. Both had to play a man down, and so i ended up playing for Keele 2. We lost inevitably- but i scored twice- woop! We only lost by one goal. Maz came up to visit on Friday and there was another league match but i didn't play. We went to Roo's for belated birthday takeaway and Bill Bailey instead. Much fun was had. Saturday was the Manchester Warriors Christmas tournament, which we came last in, in true Keele style. It was quite a fun day though, nice and chilled out, which made a change from most of the tournaments. Becca was her usual annoying, pathetic, immature self but Gill was in a reasonably ok mood so i was not too irritated by them. Spent most of the day chatting to Dave, who is one of Roo's PGCE housemates and who plays for Castle. He came to the tourny with us as we only had two other boys going, and he drove, which was nice of him. I've decided he's pretty cool. I've only briefly spoken to him before really. Yesterday was another league match, Keele 2 vs Castle 3... again i had to play for Keele 2, as in fact did most of Keele 1, as they have no players... We played a man down in my division, which was hard work. And we lost anyway. Recurring theme here...
I really am becoming a Korfball bore... Sigh.
I need to do some revision. I've only revised one lecture so far, despite my best laid plans. Oh well. Only three more sleeps til the holidays! (Maybe two, i haven't decided if i'm going to the Castle Christmas tournament yet...)
Ouch.
I have been a busy bee. Well, a busy Korfing bee. I haven't actually done any useful university type work since Thursday. There was a league match on Thursday- Keele 1 vs Keele 2, which was never going to work out too well since we don't actually have enough players for both teams to play at the same time. Both had to play a man down, and so i ended up playing for Keele 2. We lost inevitably- but i scored twice- woop! We only lost by one goal. Maz came up to visit on Friday and there was another league match but i didn't play. We went to Roo's for belated birthday takeaway and Bill Bailey instead. Much fun was had. Saturday was the Manchester Warriors Christmas tournament, which we came last in, in true Keele style. It was quite a fun day though, nice and chilled out, which made a change from most of the tournaments. Becca was her usual annoying, pathetic, immature self but Gill was in a reasonably ok mood so i was not too irritated by them. Spent most of the day chatting to Dave, who is one of Roo's PGCE housemates and who plays for Castle. He came to the tourny with us as we only had two other boys going, and he drove, which was nice of him. I've decided he's pretty cool. I've only briefly spoken to him before really. Yesterday was another league match, Keele 2 vs Castle 3... again i had to play for Keele 2, as in fact did most of Keele 1, as they have no players... We played a man down in my division, which was hard work. And we lost anyway. Recurring theme here...
I really am becoming a Korfball bore... Sigh.
I need to do some revision. I've only revised one lecture so far, despite my best laid plans. Oh well. Only three more sleeps til the holidays! (Maybe two, i haven't decided if i'm going to the Castle Christmas tournament yet...)
Ouch.
Monday, 19 November 2007
Sleeeepy...
I'm so unbelievably tired today, i just can't motivate myself to do anything. Am contemplating going back to bed, but that would be a bit naughty...
Home was lovely, but then i had to come back here which was a tad depressing. I think Fake-Cough has actually just moved in now, for fucks sake.
The Korf Regionals were on Saturday. We came last! Gill acted appaulingly, i can't even begin to describe how ridiculously immature she was about the whole thing- there was confrontation... it wasn't good. Tempers were a little frayed on account of the 5am start and the getting lost trying to find Leeds University Sports centre and the having our asses kicked in Every Single Match. We spent a good part of the morning screaming at each other, but by the afternoon everyone chilled out a bit, accepted the fact that we never stood a chance of winning, and just had a laugh.
The whole day was made all the more irritating, due to the fact that The Boy was in London with Karlos, and i wasn't. Hmph.
Last night me, Gill, Becca, Roo, Rob and Katie went to see Ollie's play at the union. Ollie is one of the Fresher's from Korfball. He's a bit shy and retiring, a bit nerdy, sheltered... He is however, unebelievably dedicated to the club. Whenever we ask him to tournaments, matches, socials, whatever, he always turns up. He is also in the drama society, hence the play. I felt like we owed him a favour, he has been going on about this play for months, and so I spent most of yesterday bullying people in coming to see it. The play is called "Brothers", and is about two brothers (surprisingly) who work for a London Kingpin importing cocaine from Columbia, and i was actually pleasantly surprised. I was prepared to be bored to tears for two hours, but it was quite engaging. A bit violent. But good nonetheless. Ollie played a very un-Ollie-ish character, which was most amusing.
After the play Katie and i met Ann for hot chocolate. Whenever i see Ann i instantly feel guilty for neglecting her, because she actually is incredibly funny and sweet. We do always seem to end up talking about NiceDave though, which slightly disturbs me... We had a good old bitch about NightLine, who are apparently treating everyone like shit, so its not just me. Always good to know. I actually e-mailed to quit a couple of weeks ago, since it had been almost 8 weeks or something ridiculous since i was "suspended", but they had not actually bothered to do anything to resolve the situation. Noone has had the decency to reply to me so far. Which only serves to prove my point really. If they can't be arsed to deal with me, then i can't be arsed to work for them anymore.
Other than that, i spent most of my time working really. After my extended trip home, i was consumed by nervous guilt and so have been determined to be a productive little me ever since. I have finshed my Neuroscience essay and am midway through my Clinical Pathology essay, which is a much more nitty-gritty little detaily science essay, and so is rather dull. But still, nearly done! Then i'm going to start doing some background reading, since i have done none at all this semester, and i'm sure Roo was doing loads this time last year... whoopsy.
I am currently stuck in the middle of a Ruth and Katie snipe-fest, which is slightly disconcerting. They are fine around each other, but when i am alone with either of them, i have to listen to them gripe about each other for hours on end... They both say exactly the same things about each other half the time, which is pretty funny. They are definitely suffering from each-other-overload. They really do spend a ridiculous amount of time with each other. Katie has never really made any friends since coming back to Keele, combined with the fact that she only has lectures one day a week, and so needs to be entertained constantly- she clings to Roo. She also steals Roo's friends rather than make her own. A recipe for Katie-overload. Eeek.
I saw M last night in the Union. More to the point, he saw me. Not that he acknowledged me in any way, shape or form. He must have walked past me about 6 times, i kid you not, and everytime he just totally blanked me. Yet he is more than happy to speak to me over Facebook or MSN or whatever. I have been trying to pin him down for a coffee or something for ages. I am trying to be mature, and to resolve what was once a decent friendship. But he never gets back to me. I'm not going to pester him, i know he's a busy man, and i do have some pride. But its not like we live miles from each other. If he made some fucking effort. But he acts as though i am some sort of social pariah. Well you know what Matt? I'm fucking not! So fuck you! I don't care anymore. I'm through with trying to be nice. If he doesn't care, then neither do i.
(On some levels, i think i might be relieved. If i don't have to look at him, then theres no way i can start being attracted to him again. Though why i would ever have been is anyones guess- what is wrong with me!!!??!)
I will tell the whole story one day, when i get round to it. Honest.
Anyway. I'm going to be predictable and say- i don't want to go to the hospital tomorrow.
Home was lovely, but then i had to come back here which was a tad depressing. I think Fake-Cough has actually just moved in now, for fucks sake.
The Korf Regionals were on Saturday. We came last! Gill acted appaulingly, i can't even begin to describe how ridiculously immature she was about the whole thing- there was confrontation... it wasn't good. Tempers were a little frayed on account of the 5am start and the getting lost trying to find Leeds University Sports centre and the having our asses kicked in Every Single Match. We spent a good part of the morning screaming at each other, but by the afternoon everyone chilled out a bit, accepted the fact that we never stood a chance of winning, and just had a laugh.
The whole day was made all the more irritating, due to the fact that The Boy was in London with Karlos, and i wasn't. Hmph.
Last night me, Gill, Becca, Roo, Rob and Katie went to see Ollie's play at the union. Ollie is one of the Fresher's from Korfball. He's a bit shy and retiring, a bit nerdy, sheltered... He is however, unebelievably dedicated to the club. Whenever we ask him to tournaments, matches, socials, whatever, he always turns up. He is also in the drama society, hence the play. I felt like we owed him a favour, he has been going on about this play for months, and so I spent most of yesterday bullying people in coming to see it. The play is called "Brothers", and is about two brothers (surprisingly) who work for a London Kingpin importing cocaine from Columbia, and i was actually pleasantly surprised. I was prepared to be bored to tears for two hours, but it was quite engaging. A bit violent. But good nonetheless. Ollie played a very un-Ollie-ish character, which was most amusing.
After the play Katie and i met Ann for hot chocolate. Whenever i see Ann i instantly feel guilty for neglecting her, because she actually is incredibly funny and sweet. We do always seem to end up talking about NiceDave though, which slightly disturbs me... We had a good old bitch about NightLine, who are apparently treating everyone like shit, so its not just me. Always good to know. I actually e-mailed to quit a couple of weeks ago, since it had been almost 8 weeks or something ridiculous since i was "suspended", but they had not actually bothered to do anything to resolve the situation. Noone has had the decency to reply to me so far. Which only serves to prove my point really. If they can't be arsed to deal with me, then i can't be arsed to work for them anymore.
Other than that, i spent most of my time working really. After my extended trip home, i was consumed by nervous guilt and so have been determined to be a productive little me ever since. I have finshed my Neuroscience essay and am midway through my Clinical Pathology essay, which is a much more nitty-gritty little detaily science essay, and so is rather dull. But still, nearly done! Then i'm going to start doing some background reading, since i have done none at all this semester, and i'm sure Roo was doing loads this time last year... whoopsy.
I am currently stuck in the middle of a Ruth and Katie snipe-fest, which is slightly disconcerting. They are fine around each other, but when i am alone with either of them, i have to listen to them gripe about each other for hours on end... They both say exactly the same things about each other half the time, which is pretty funny. They are definitely suffering from each-other-overload. They really do spend a ridiculous amount of time with each other. Katie has never really made any friends since coming back to Keele, combined with the fact that she only has lectures one day a week, and so needs to be entertained constantly- she clings to Roo. She also steals Roo's friends rather than make her own. A recipe for Katie-overload. Eeek.
I saw M last night in the Union. More to the point, he saw me. Not that he acknowledged me in any way, shape or form. He must have walked past me about 6 times, i kid you not, and everytime he just totally blanked me. Yet he is more than happy to speak to me over Facebook or MSN or whatever. I have been trying to pin him down for a coffee or something for ages. I am trying to be mature, and to resolve what was once a decent friendship. But he never gets back to me. I'm not going to pester him, i know he's a busy man, and i do have some pride. But its not like we live miles from each other. If he made some fucking effort. But he acts as though i am some sort of social pariah. Well you know what Matt? I'm fucking not! So fuck you! I don't care anymore. I'm through with trying to be nice. If he doesn't care, then neither do i.
(On some levels, i think i might be relieved. If i don't have to look at him, then theres no way i can start being attracted to him again. Though why i would ever have been is anyones guess- what is wrong with me!!!??!)
I will tell the whole story one day, when i get round to it. Honest.
Anyway. I'm going to be predictable and say- i don't want to go to the hospital tomorrow.
Thursday, 8 November 2007
Explosion imminent!
It seems like ages since i updated. Even though it really isn't that long. But anyway.
There are lots of crazy things going on in my head at the moment. I have been incredibly stressed this week. Mostly about Korfball, and the associated human beings. Which is ridiculous as its supposed to be a hobby, stress reliever, etc. I am going home tomorrow. I would have been going home tonight, but i have training, and since regionals is next weekend i didn't think missing it would go down too well. Even though i very much doubt two hours is going to significantly improve my game play. Its just easier to go.
Fake-cough has been staying over all fucking week. She's driving me up the wall. I actually cannot stand her. That whining fucking voice just makes me want to scream. My blood pressure must be through the roof.
This hatred of all people Korfball does not bode well for regionals, when i am going to have to spend a whole day and night in their company. I'm dreading it, i really am. Can't believe i have given up a weekend living it up in London with Wayne for Karl's birthday for it. To be fair i can't afford London, but meh.
On Tuesday i went into the hospital to do my study, and predictably, there were no samples again. One of my supervisors was nowhere to be found, and the other one apparently wasn't in as he has been on call the night before. Nice to be kept informed... So i left a snotty note on his desk and stormed out at eleven. Spent the rest of the day dossing around. As much as i like having Tuesdays off, it really is getting beyond a joke now. I'm supposed to have completed the practical work by Christmas, and i don't want it hanging over my head come February, when i have a million other things occupying my stress centre... GAH. I am giving myself the day off next Tuesday. I have scheduled some illness. So they can all go and fuck themselves. Hopefully by the time i do go back in, there might be a backlog, and i will be able to spend a whole day testing.
I have finished my neuroscience essay- woot!
The Boy's step-sister is pregnant, so soon i will be a step-aunty- in law... type thing. Woot! She is only twenty four and not yet married or fully qualified in whatever it is that she does, so its clearly not a planned baby. Boy and I will be able to feel smug about that at least. Boy is treated as a second class citizen as far as his Father and Step mother are concerned. Her children can do no wrong, and she frequently enjoys rubbing their "success" in Boy's face. Though to be fair, if a house on a council estate, a job fitting alarms, and an unplanned pregnancy aged twenty four are classed as success nowadays, then i think i'll stick with my second class citizen-ship, thank you very much. Oooh i'm a snob. I really do hate Boy's Step mother and her kids. They're so fucking arrogant, with no grounds for it really. And thats the worst kind of arrogance.
My broodiness has gone into overdrive now (as if it wasn't bad enough already). I don't know why, but i have been incredibly pre-occupied with pregnancy lately. I don't want children as such. I just want to be pregnant, and to have a baby. The impracticalities of having a child now are perfectly clear to me, and i know i don't really want a baby. I know that being pregnant is going to be perfectly hideous. But i have this romanticised vision in my head, where i am carrying Boy's child, and he is loving and adoring and its just generally sickening and lovely. I think its probably just an attention thing. Everyone loves a pregnant woman don't they. Is it normal to be so broody? I think about getting married a lot too. I can't wait to get married. I think that is less psychotic though. I do have a partner who i love, and marriage isn't quite such a drastic thing.
I have this "life anxiety" almost. I know i should be enjoying my youth, having a life. But the truth is, i'm not that good at having a life. I'm constantly worrying about what i should be doing next. Marriage isn't an essential part of life, and nor i suppose is having babies. But i seem to have some sort of mental time-table in which these tasks are included. I need to be married before i can have the babies. And i need to start making babies, before its too late. In case we have difficulties. I've always had this feeling that i'm infertile. I don't know why. Probably just another avenue in which my constant need for self pity can lie. And thats where the anxiety sits. Its no way to enjoy life, constantly worrying about the next thing on the "to do list" I have a loving partner. I should be secure in the knowledge that one day these things will happen. Because there's no reason why they shouldn't...
Good God i am a first class mentalist.
If Boy ever got to read this thing he would probably dump me and run away to Cuba or something...
Anyway.
I can't wait to go home and see him. I am so incredibly stressed and grumpy that an enormous cuddle is in order. Also, Mum is taking us out to RC2 for dinner on Saturday. The prospect of consuming my own body weight in curry and wine is a particularly nice one.
That is all.
There are lots of crazy things going on in my head at the moment. I have been incredibly stressed this week. Mostly about Korfball, and the associated human beings. Which is ridiculous as its supposed to be a hobby, stress reliever, etc. I am going home tomorrow. I would have been going home tonight, but i have training, and since regionals is next weekend i didn't think missing it would go down too well. Even though i very much doubt two hours is going to significantly improve my game play. Its just easier to go.
Fake-cough has been staying over all fucking week. She's driving me up the wall. I actually cannot stand her. That whining fucking voice just makes me want to scream. My blood pressure must be through the roof.
This hatred of all people Korfball does not bode well for regionals, when i am going to have to spend a whole day and night in their company. I'm dreading it, i really am. Can't believe i have given up a weekend living it up in London with Wayne for Karl's birthday for it. To be fair i can't afford London, but meh.
On Tuesday i went into the hospital to do my study, and predictably, there were no samples again. One of my supervisors was nowhere to be found, and the other one apparently wasn't in as he has been on call the night before. Nice to be kept informed... So i left a snotty note on his desk and stormed out at eleven. Spent the rest of the day dossing around. As much as i like having Tuesdays off, it really is getting beyond a joke now. I'm supposed to have completed the practical work by Christmas, and i don't want it hanging over my head come February, when i have a million other things occupying my stress centre... GAH. I am giving myself the day off next Tuesday. I have scheduled some illness. So they can all go and fuck themselves. Hopefully by the time i do go back in, there might be a backlog, and i will be able to spend a whole day testing.
I have finished my neuroscience essay- woot!
The Boy's step-sister is pregnant, so soon i will be a step-aunty- in law... type thing. Woot! She is only twenty four and not yet married or fully qualified in whatever it is that she does, so its clearly not a planned baby. Boy and I will be able to feel smug about that at least. Boy is treated as a second class citizen as far as his Father and Step mother are concerned. Her children can do no wrong, and she frequently enjoys rubbing their "success" in Boy's face. Though to be fair, if a house on a council estate, a job fitting alarms, and an unplanned pregnancy aged twenty four are classed as success nowadays, then i think i'll stick with my second class citizen-ship, thank you very much. Oooh i'm a snob. I really do hate Boy's Step mother and her kids. They're so fucking arrogant, with no grounds for it really. And thats the worst kind of arrogance.
My broodiness has gone into overdrive now (as if it wasn't bad enough already). I don't know why, but i have been incredibly pre-occupied with pregnancy lately. I don't want children as such. I just want to be pregnant, and to have a baby. The impracticalities of having a child now are perfectly clear to me, and i know i don't really want a baby. I know that being pregnant is going to be perfectly hideous. But i have this romanticised vision in my head, where i am carrying Boy's child, and he is loving and adoring and its just generally sickening and lovely. I think its probably just an attention thing. Everyone loves a pregnant woman don't they. Is it normal to be so broody? I think about getting married a lot too. I can't wait to get married. I think that is less psychotic though. I do have a partner who i love, and marriage isn't quite such a drastic thing.
I have this "life anxiety" almost. I know i should be enjoying my youth, having a life. But the truth is, i'm not that good at having a life. I'm constantly worrying about what i should be doing next. Marriage isn't an essential part of life, and nor i suppose is having babies. But i seem to have some sort of mental time-table in which these tasks are included. I need to be married before i can have the babies. And i need to start making babies, before its too late. In case we have difficulties. I've always had this feeling that i'm infertile. I don't know why. Probably just another avenue in which my constant need for self pity can lie. And thats where the anxiety sits. Its no way to enjoy life, constantly worrying about the next thing on the "to do list" I have a loving partner. I should be secure in the knowledge that one day these things will happen. Because there's no reason why they shouldn't...
Good God i am a first class mentalist.
If Boy ever got to read this thing he would probably dump me and run away to Cuba or something...
Anyway.
I can't wait to go home and see him. I am so incredibly stressed and grumpy that an enormous cuddle is in order. Also, Mum is taking us out to RC2 for dinner on Saturday. The prospect of consuming my own body weight in curry and wine is a particularly nice one.
That is all.
Sunday, 4 November 2007
6-5 to Castle...
Yep so we lost. No big surprise. Castle are a far more experienced side than us. It is a little depressing that every team in the league sees beating us as merely a formality though...
I'm rapidly getting tired of all the attitude and bitchiness in the Keele squad. Ok, so i don't take criticism well, not even of the constructive variety, thats just the way i am. But at least from Jon the coach, its meant well. The constant sniping from my so called club captain is a little wearing however. First our division is being bitched at for not setting up the shots in attack. Our division is consisting of me, Ollie, Phil and Charlie. Ollie is new, so noone really expects him to do anything. Charlie is just rubbish, and everyone bitches about her constantly, but noone actually criticises her to her face, Phil thinks he's master goal scorer and never sets up any shot because he always wants to be the one to take it.... which leaves... ME. Apparently i'm expected to do everything. Then Gill is bitching that the only person on our division who "can score" is Phil.... but Phil will never set it up so anyone else can take one anyway! ARGH. STRESS!
On top of that, at the beginning of the match i'm being told that apparently Becca is a stronger player than me, which leaves me seething- not a good attitude for play! Becca is fucking pathetic. She refuses to play on any division without Gill, because Gill is our best player so playing with her means Becca has to do nothing. She has no fucking tactical ability, she refuses to shout so noone knows whats going on, and half of the time she won't even run (this is the girl who needs to be chaffeured from one halls of residence to the other- i.e 300 yards- by her moronic boyfriend because apparently incapable of walking anywhere). But noone will say a word against her because she's shagging Phil and crawling up Gill's arse at every opportunity. ARGH.
Maybe i'm just being oversensitive, but it always seems to me that as the only experienced player who anyone can bitch at, when we lose, its always my personal fault. And i don't see why i should put up with it. Because its not my fault! I'm not sporty, these things don't come easily to me, and at the end of the day, i only joined the club for a laugh in the first place, since i was told that it wasn't mega competitive and bitchy like most other sports at Keele...
Gill and Becca have both come back here with Phil and are apparently here for the evening. They are currently sat cackling in the next room and i am drowning them out with Fall Out Boy. Hopefully i can slope off over to Roo's a bit later, otherwise something really horrible might happen to them...
Anyone who is remotely interested in what i have just spent the past ten minutes bitching about, can see here
I'm rapidly getting tired of all the attitude and bitchiness in the Keele squad. Ok, so i don't take criticism well, not even of the constructive variety, thats just the way i am. But at least from Jon the coach, its meant well. The constant sniping from my so called club captain is a little wearing however. First our division is being bitched at for not setting up the shots in attack. Our division is consisting of me, Ollie, Phil and Charlie. Ollie is new, so noone really expects him to do anything. Charlie is just rubbish, and everyone bitches about her constantly, but noone actually criticises her to her face, Phil thinks he's master goal scorer and never sets up any shot because he always wants to be the one to take it.... which leaves... ME. Apparently i'm expected to do everything. Then Gill is bitching that the only person on our division who "can score" is Phil.... but Phil will never set it up so anyone else can take one anyway! ARGH. STRESS!
On top of that, at the beginning of the match i'm being told that apparently Becca is a stronger player than me, which leaves me seething- not a good attitude for play! Becca is fucking pathetic. She refuses to play on any division without Gill, because Gill is our best player so playing with her means Becca has to do nothing. She has no fucking tactical ability, she refuses to shout so noone knows whats going on, and half of the time she won't even run (this is the girl who needs to be chaffeured from one halls of residence to the other- i.e 300 yards- by her moronic boyfriend because apparently incapable of walking anywhere). But noone will say a word against her because she's shagging Phil and crawling up Gill's arse at every opportunity. ARGH.
Maybe i'm just being oversensitive, but it always seems to me that as the only experienced player who anyone can bitch at, when we lose, its always my personal fault. And i don't see why i should put up with it. Because its not my fault! I'm not sporty, these things don't come easily to me, and at the end of the day, i only joined the club for a laugh in the first place, since i was told that it wasn't mega competitive and bitchy like most other sports at Keele...
Gill and Becca have both come back here with Phil and are apparently here for the evening. They are currently sat cackling in the next room and i am drowning them out with Fall Out Boy. Hopefully i can slope off over to Roo's a bit later, otherwise something really horrible might happen to them...
Anyone who is remotely interested in what i have just spent the past ten minutes bitching about, can see here
Thursday, 1 November 2007
Meeeeurrrgh...
I've just polished off an enormous slab of chocolate cake... and its only 11.30am... whoopsy!
I feel quite sick now...
Boy has left already :( I hate these midweek visits, when it seems as though he's barely arrived when he has to go back again for work.
It was lovely tho. We had nice sex and everything. Yay.
I am so unbelievably tired today. The Boy is a little on the large side... so me plus him plus single bed doesn't make for the most restful of sleeps. Plus Phil and Mike went out last night, and brought back Gill and Becca at midnight, so they were sat up talking until about 2am. The walls here are so bloody paper thin, i could hear every word they were saying... Its not what i pay a grand a semester for, i can tell you! They were bitching about Korfball, typically. Becca was being her usual know-it-all self, even though when she's on the pitch, she seems to lack any basic tactical understanding of the game... not that anyone mentions it since she's shagging the Vice-Captain... The first match of the season is on Sunday, and Gill has already picked the team. Charlie, our "first team captain", is not actually on the team. I'm not entirely sure she knows about it yet either... so training will be interesting tonight...
Have a meeting with Glenn shortly, in which i feel sure he is going to pull my project introduction to pieces, and i will cry or something. I went into the hospital on Tuesday for one sample. One whole sample. Remarkable eh.
There is a girl working in the specimen reception at the hospital who i was chatting to on Tuesday. She graduated in Biomedical Science this year from Keele. She has a registration portfolio which she took a year out to do. And she is working in specimen reception... sticking labels on bottles... because there are no trainee BMS posts anywhere. This doesn't fill me confidence about my future prospects. In fact, it pretty much makes me want to throw myself on the floor and cry and scream until i vomit. But hey ho.
True to my father's advice ("Well, just finish your degree, then find a field where there are lots of jobs... and do a degree in that instead!"- Sound advice, if i was planning on entering The Guinness Book of Records with an entry for the world's largest student debt...) i'm thinking of applying to do Medicine sometime in the near future, rather than going into Biomedical Science for a few years first. I'm not sure i have what it takes to be a doctor, but i suppose i'll never know unless i try. Though the prospect of putting my life on hold for the next 10 years, isn't something i relish particularly.
Anyway. More later.
I feel quite sick now...
Boy has left already :( I hate these midweek visits, when it seems as though he's barely arrived when he has to go back again for work.
It was lovely tho. We had nice sex and everything. Yay.
I am so unbelievably tired today. The Boy is a little on the large side... so me plus him plus single bed doesn't make for the most restful of sleeps. Plus Phil and Mike went out last night, and brought back Gill and Becca at midnight, so they were sat up talking until about 2am. The walls here are so bloody paper thin, i could hear every word they were saying... Its not what i pay a grand a semester for, i can tell you! They were bitching about Korfball, typically. Becca was being her usual know-it-all self, even though when she's on the pitch, she seems to lack any basic tactical understanding of the game... not that anyone mentions it since she's shagging the Vice-Captain... The first match of the season is on Sunday, and Gill has already picked the team. Charlie, our "first team captain", is not actually on the team. I'm not entirely sure she knows about it yet either... so training will be interesting tonight...
Have a meeting with Glenn shortly, in which i feel sure he is going to pull my project introduction to pieces, and i will cry or something. I went into the hospital on Tuesday for one sample. One whole sample. Remarkable eh.
There is a girl working in the specimen reception at the hospital who i was chatting to on Tuesday. She graduated in Biomedical Science this year from Keele. She has a registration portfolio which she took a year out to do. And she is working in specimen reception... sticking labels on bottles... because there are no trainee BMS posts anywhere. This doesn't fill me confidence about my future prospects. In fact, it pretty much makes me want to throw myself on the floor and cry and scream until i vomit. But hey ho.
True to my father's advice ("Well, just finish your degree, then find a field where there are lots of jobs... and do a degree in that instead!"- Sound advice, if i was planning on entering The Guinness Book of Records with an entry for the world's largest student debt...) i'm thinking of applying to do Medicine sometime in the near future, rather than going into Biomedical Science for a few years first. I'm not sure i have what it takes to be a doctor, but i suppose i'll never know unless i try. Though the prospect of putting my life on hold for the next 10 years, isn't something i relish particularly.
Anyway. More later.
Thursday, 11 October 2007
Anticlimax...
He's gone now : (
I knew this was going to happen. I waited so long to see him, and built it up so much. And then the time he was here just flew by. It seemed as though he'd barely arrived when he had to leave again.
On Tuesday night i cooked tea for him, and we went out for drinks with Katie and Roo. Wednesday we got up late, futzed around. He spent fucking hours setting up my new printer... which i was less than happy about. When he was finally ready we went into town for a bit. Came back and had tea and wine, and then went to the KPA with Katie and corridor-Michael, and drank more wine. Roo and the Castle Korfballers were there after while too. It was a good laugh, and i love the way he so easily mixes with my friends. He's so funny and likeable.
Wasn't intending on sharing him quite so much while he was here, but hey ho.
I managed to ruin any attempts at passionate sex, but i can't even be bothered to talk about that right now. Lets just leave it at: I'm a fucking psycho.
I went to my nine o'clock this morning, yawned most of the way through it, and then came home and went back to bed until 12. As such, it is nearly 2 o'clock, and i have done absolutely nothing useful at all today. I'm so bloody stressed about my project draft. But not stressed enough to actually do any work on it apparently... Sigh.
I have to go to a Korfball tournament on Saturday, which involves setting off from Keele at 6.45am. I think the chances of that happening are less than slim. It is a Fresher's tournament, and i'm not a bloody Fresher, so its not like theres any need for me to go. I should go really, its not like i have anything better to do... I'll probably have fun when i get there. I just can't face the idea of being awake at that time.
I also realised while The Boy was here that we're going to be in London for Karl's birthday on the 17th of November... which is also the date of the Korfball regionals in Leeds. I fear this is going to make me exceptionally unpopular tonight...
Ah well.
Going to see Joey's new kitten George this afternoon : )
Back to counting down the days...
I knew this was going to happen. I waited so long to see him, and built it up so much. And then the time he was here just flew by. It seemed as though he'd barely arrived when he had to leave again.
On Tuesday night i cooked tea for him, and we went out for drinks with Katie and Roo. Wednesday we got up late, futzed around. He spent fucking hours setting up my new printer... which i was less than happy about. When he was finally ready we went into town for a bit. Came back and had tea and wine, and then went to the KPA with Katie and corridor-Michael, and drank more wine. Roo and the Castle Korfballers were there after while too. It was a good laugh, and i love the way he so easily mixes with my friends. He's so funny and likeable.
Wasn't intending on sharing him quite so much while he was here, but hey ho.
I managed to ruin any attempts at passionate sex, but i can't even be bothered to talk about that right now. Lets just leave it at: I'm a fucking psycho.
I went to my nine o'clock this morning, yawned most of the way through it, and then came home and went back to bed until 12. As such, it is nearly 2 o'clock, and i have done absolutely nothing useful at all today. I'm so bloody stressed about my project draft. But not stressed enough to actually do any work on it apparently... Sigh.
I have to go to a Korfball tournament on Saturday, which involves setting off from Keele at 6.45am. I think the chances of that happening are less than slim. It is a Fresher's tournament, and i'm not a bloody Fresher, so its not like theres any need for me to go. I should go really, its not like i have anything better to do... I'll probably have fun when i get there. I just can't face the idea of being awake at that time.
I also realised while The Boy was here that we're going to be in London for Karl's birthday on the 17th of November... which is also the date of the Korfball regionals in Leeds. I fear this is going to make me exceptionally unpopular tonight...
Ah well.
Going to see Joey's new kitten George this afternoon : )
Back to counting down the days...
Tuesday, 2 October 2007
Dying...
Just finished dying my hair. It is now one lovely chocolatey brown colour, as opposed to the previous three (blonde/ faded chestnutty brown/ dark brown). It looked pretty shocking, i can tell you.
Today i didn't wake up until one o'clock, and since its my day off i have bugger all to do. I'm really quite bored and blatantly not going to get any sleep tonight... I have a nine o'clock tomorrow though, so getting up for that will hopefully reset my sleep clock thingy. Its in the morgue in the medical school, chopping up brains, which should be excellent! My project tutors finally got round to replying to my emails this morning as well, so i suppose i could do some project type reseach today in preperation for our meeting. It might help if i actually had something intelligent to say for once.
Last night was the first Korfball social of the year. Not a particularly successful one either. Only two of the new people who came to training on Thursday turned up, and since one of them is already friends with two fifths of the committee and fairly outgoing anyway, it didn't really make life very easy for the other guy who is a Fresher, and very shy. We spent most of the evening playing "I have never" which got pretty dull after about half a second since all the questions were about sex... Gill was getting on my tits as well. She's so fucking moody, i can't tell whether she likes me from one minute to the next. Although there's no reason why she shouldn't. I spent most of the evening forcing myself to laugh, which gets pretty tiring after a while, and trying valiantly to make conversation with Becca, who has all the personality of a half defrosted fish finger... and Gill, who just blows hot and cold with me, as i said.
I think there's every possibility that Keele Korfball may fold this year, not so much because we barely have a team, but because as a committe, we don't know each other particularly well or get on that amazingly. Gill and Phil, the captain and vice captain have known each other for the longest and so they're ok. Gill is a moody cow as i said. Phil is ok i suppose, but damned hard work to talk to. Becca the social sec is nice enough, but there's something about her thats incredibly strange, and i just can't place it. Plus she's Phil's girlfriend. Charlie the "first team captain" (i say "first team captain" rather than first team captain, since she only got the position because there was noone else to do it, and she can barely play...) is a knob. Everyone hates Charlie. Which is a little unfortunate. I can't imagine that all the time we are going to have to spend in socials and at tournaments is going to fly by... Though i suppose its early days.
After the "social" i went into the Union for Manic Mondays with Katie and Roo, which has gone all indie and weird for some reason. Katie was flirting outrageously with half of Roo's male housemates, despite spending two thirds of her time since she got here telling us all how amazing her new boyfriend is... so me and Roo got bored, gave it up as a bad job and went back to hers for a cup of tea and a gossip/ bitch. It was nice to have her to myself again for a little while. Katie's lovely but she can be hard work.
God, i just bitch about everyone. I'm so going to hell.
One of the guys who lives in the corridor came out with us last night, and he seems really funny. Even though he does hide in his room all the time.
Ann rang me on Sunday night in tears, to tell me her mother is an alcoholic, who's spent the past three years dumping on her and that she had just sent her an email telling her she never wanted to speak to her again... and would i come over... I felt a little bad telling her that i'd had arranged to meet Joey weeks ago and that i was going to the pub... I went over to hers after finishing with Jo though. We chatted for a few hours about stuff. She told me a lot of quite personal things i didn't know, and i felt really bad for her. I'm such a bad counsellor... She said it helped though. I feel a little strange about it all though. I barely know her, and quite why i would be the first person she rings in a crisis is beyond me. She must have closer friends than me, surely. I know she thinks of herself as really unsociable and that she doesn't have a huge amount of friends... but still. I found it hard to feel hugely guilty about not cancelling my plans and rushing immediately to her aid, when we are hardly even friends... I am enjoying getting to know her better and spending more time with her, but its all just a bit much. She wanted us to go out for a meal tonight, just the two of us. Not feeling too confident that i could stretch out a conversation with her for that long, i made some excuse about money. Guilt again though. She's latched on to me good and proper.
Jo and Dave had a really bad argument on Saturday night. I'm ashamed to say that it makes me feel better about myself that they did. Sometimes Jo is so bloody perfect with her brazillian waxes, stylish clothes and grown up relationship, that i want to explode with jealous rage... But it certainly seems as though the Jo and Dave bubble is about to burst, from what she told me on Sunday night. I hope they work it out though. They are a good couple. And i do love Jo, beyond the life-envy...
In less bitchy-moany news- The Boy is coming down on Tuesday! Woohoo! I can't wait.
Today i didn't wake up until one o'clock, and since its my day off i have bugger all to do. I'm really quite bored and blatantly not going to get any sleep tonight... I have a nine o'clock tomorrow though, so getting up for that will hopefully reset my sleep clock thingy. Its in the morgue in the medical school, chopping up brains, which should be excellent! My project tutors finally got round to replying to my emails this morning as well, so i suppose i could do some project type reseach today in preperation for our meeting. It might help if i actually had something intelligent to say for once.
Last night was the first Korfball social of the year. Not a particularly successful one either. Only two of the new people who came to training on Thursday turned up, and since one of them is already friends with two fifths of the committee and fairly outgoing anyway, it didn't really make life very easy for the other guy who is a Fresher, and very shy. We spent most of the evening playing "I have never" which got pretty dull after about half a second since all the questions were about sex... Gill was getting on my tits as well. She's so fucking moody, i can't tell whether she likes me from one minute to the next. Although there's no reason why she shouldn't. I spent most of the evening forcing myself to laugh, which gets pretty tiring after a while, and trying valiantly to make conversation with Becca, who has all the personality of a half defrosted fish finger... and Gill, who just blows hot and cold with me, as i said.
I think there's every possibility that Keele Korfball may fold this year, not so much because we barely have a team, but because as a committe, we don't know each other particularly well or get on that amazingly. Gill and Phil, the captain and vice captain have known each other for the longest and so they're ok. Gill is a moody cow as i said. Phil is ok i suppose, but damned hard work to talk to. Becca the social sec is nice enough, but there's something about her thats incredibly strange, and i just can't place it. Plus she's Phil's girlfriend. Charlie the "first team captain" (i say "first team captain" rather than first team captain, since she only got the position because there was noone else to do it, and she can barely play...) is a knob. Everyone hates Charlie. Which is a little unfortunate. I can't imagine that all the time we are going to have to spend in socials and at tournaments is going to fly by... Though i suppose its early days.
After the "social" i went into the Union for Manic Mondays with Katie and Roo, which has gone all indie and weird for some reason. Katie was flirting outrageously with half of Roo's male housemates, despite spending two thirds of her time since she got here telling us all how amazing her new boyfriend is... so me and Roo got bored, gave it up as a bad job and went back to hers for a cup of tea and a gossip/ bitch. It was nice to have her to myself again for a little while. Katie's lovely but she can be hard work.
God, i just bitch about everyone. I'm so going to hell.
One of the guys who lives in the corridor came out with us last night, and he seems really funny. Even though he does hide in his room all the time.
Ann rang me on Sunday night in tears, to tell me her mother is an alcoholic, who's spent the past three years dumping on her and that she had just sent her an email telling her she never wanted to speak to her again... and would i come over... I felt a little bad telling her that i'd had arranged to meet Joey weeks ago and that i was going to the pub... I went over to hers after finishing with Jo though. We chatted for a few hours about stuff. She told me a lot of quite personal things i didn't know, and i felt really bad for her. I'm such a bad counsellor... She said it helped though. I feel a little strange about it all though. I barely know her, and quite why i would be the first person she rings in a crisis is beyond me. She must have closer friends than me, surely. I know she thinks of herself as really unsociable and that she doesn't have a huge amount of friends... but still. I found it hard to feel hugely guilty about not cancelling my plans and rushing immediately to her aid, when we are hardly even friends... I am enjoying getting to know her better and spending more time with her, but its all just a bit much. She wanted us to go out for a meal tonight, just the two of us. Not feeling too confident that i could stretch out a conversation with her for that long, i made some excuse about money. Guilt again though. She's latched on to me good and proper.
Jo and Dave had a really bad argument on Saturday night. I'm ashamed to say that it makes me feel better about myself that they did. Sometimes Jo is so bloody perfect with her brazillian waxes, stylish clothes and grown up relationship, that i want to explode with jealous rage... But it certainly seems as though the Jo and Dave bubble is about to burst, from what she told me on Sunday night. I hope they work it out though. They are a good couple. And i do love Jo, beyond the life-envy...
In less bitchy-moany news- The Boy is coming down on Tuesday! Woohoo! I can't wait.
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