So i told Katie. And i feel a little better for it. Her general conscensus was that Daffyd is a giant arsehole who has been using me, which seems to be the general opinion of everyone. Which is partially true. Call me naive, but not entirely.
The thing about telling Katie is that i now need to tell Roo. I don't want to tell Roo, because she will be disappointed and cross and she will think less of me, although she couldn't really think any less of me than i currently think of myself. I also think she will expect me to tell The Boy, and so i really need to decide what i am going to do about him before i tell her.
Katie thinks i should tell The Boy. She also thinks Ele should be told. I am of the opinion that what people don't know won't hurt them. If i can go home for the Easter vacation and convince myself i love The Boy again then i don't particularly want him to know. The decision of whether to be with him or not would be made up for me if i told him. And i am selfish and weak and as unlikely as it seems, i really do love The Boy and so i don't want that to happen. Also, if i break up with him, then Daffyd has won. Because i will have nothing. And he will be carrying on with his little life as normal, with no repercussions or upset. And he isn't worth destroying my entire life over. I also don't think that Ele needs to know. After everything she has been through, i can't see it doing her any good. The only part of me that wants her to know, wants it for entirely vindictive reasons. It would teach Dave a fucking lesson. He would be resolved of all control of the situation then. However, i strongly suspect that Ele would forgive him anyway. Katie seems to think she probably already knows.
I also want to tell Alex. More for a male perspective than anything. Alex is Dave's best friend and knows him better than anyone. I suspect he would be able to shed an awful lot of light on things which Dave refuses to acknowledge. Alex is a lot more perceptive than one would give him credit for. He has cross questioned Dave and Katie on several occasions about what is going on between us. Before anything even was going on... But for Alex to know, Roo would have to know, and then Dave would know that they all know... Which would serve him right to well and truely have lost control of the situation. But also not go very far in salvaging our friendship. Alex would give him a good bollocking. And Dave would assume i had only told them all to be malicious. Which is not entirely the truth....
I am feeling better than yesterday. Two days without contacting him and i am not missing him especially. Yesterday he spent with Ele, and my face was rubbed in it almost constantly with his silly Facebook status updates and the like...
He wants the friendship to go back to normal, but i am not convinced that it will be able to. I told him i needed a couple of days away, which i have had now, but am still not ready for seeing him really. I think i can just about cope with this situation as long as i am not seeing him. Being with him will only stir up a lot of feelings which i am currently working hard to suppress.
Three major things make me not want to restore the friendship: The fact that he quite clearly isn't even a little bit upset about the events of this weekend. The fact that he spent yesterday with Ele, rubbing my nose in it. And the fact that if he really wanted to leave Ele, he could do it now, and it would mostly have blown over by September- when she comes to university.
So answer that, you fucker.
Monday 17 March 2008
Sunday 16 March 2008
To The End
No i'm not dead. But my laptop is. There are errors on the hard disc, which is about as wrong as it could go really. After a couple of days of crashing and struggling it finally gave up the ghost on Monday morning, when it refused to even boot up anymore. Thankfully all my work was backed up, otherwise the crying and hysteria which ensued could have been far far worse. RIP little laptop, you are well missed.
Its quite ridiculous how much i rely on the computery thing. I literally cannot do anything without it. No work, no internet, no music, no films... nothing. I have had to become excessively reliant on the library and friends to keep me worked and entertained, which is rubbish to say the least.
Anyway. On to the main point of the day. The Daffyd thing, it would appear, is actually, finally over. No messing about this time. Because i am weak and silly, and prone to taking even the most minor of slights the wrong way, i allowed myself to get back into it, after the argument. Which apparently wasn't really an argument, just him being in a bad mood, inadvertantly taking it out on me, and me being oversensitive about it. We have spent the night together since then, last Thursday. Not to have sex, just to sleep. But the general consensus was that it was still a romantic thing. He went off to London for the weekend for his birthday. When he came back, we seemed to be back into the is it on/ is it off situation, where i agonise over the whole thing for days on end, and he wants to spend time with me, cook dinner together, go out etc but makes no moves to imply we are more than just friends. On Monday i rang him in tears because my laptop had died, and i was panicking and upset. He came over, attempted to fix it, failed, spent a bit of time at mine, claiming he couldn't go home because "it was raining" even though i think we can assume he just didn't want to go. Then he took me to his so i could use his computer to do some work, bought me pizza for tea and then we watched a film with Roo. On Tuesday, i went to the pub with Joey. At the end of the evening i get a text on my phone from him, asking if i fancy a trip to Tesco with him... This text he had sent about two hours previously, but i had only just received because my network reception is terrible in Keele. So i replied to say sorry for not texting earlier and missing the Tesco trip. He replies to say he hasn't been yet, as he has been sitting waiting for me to reply. Which seems a little strange. After all, if he wanted to go to Tesco, surely he just would have gone. Excuses? So i went to Tesco with him, and bought food to cook with him, in return for the pizza. We spend a little time together afterwards, but nothing happens. Thursday he wants me to cook for him, but i have work to do, and Korf training, and he apparently is incapable of waiting an hour to eat, so we don't have dinner together. After Korf, i realise in blind panic that i have forgotten to submit my projects electronically (which you have to, so they can be run through the plaigarism software), which potentially means i have missed the deadline and will have my marks capped. So i have to go to Roo's to use her internet to do this. Except her stupid wireless mouse and keyboard for some reason refuse to work when any USB port is in use so i can't actually get my projects from the memory stick onto the computer. So i have to go downstairs and beg the use of Daffyd's computer and internet again. I go in and do it, and come straight out again. Whilst i am there, he tells me that Ele has got a place at Keele to do her PGCE. I ask him if that is a good thing or a bad thing, and he says he doesn't know yet. Which one can only assume is not a good thing, because otherwise he wouldn't even have to think about it... But i don't get into a discussion about it. I leave. Which i am proud of myself for doing. On Friday afternoon, for the first time in a while, he pops up on MSN and speaks to me spontaneously, without me speaking to him first. I in the process of being cold and bored and pretending to work in the library, and so he invites me round for tea, cos he has "loads of food and will never be able to eat it all" Which wasn't entirely the truth... but hey, free tea. More excuses? For some reason, on Friday, i was feeling distinctly underwhelmed by him. I don't know why. I just didn't feel particularly attracted to him or feel like i wanted to be that close to him. Maybe he picked up on this, i don't know. But he quite clearly wanted something romantic today. He was slowly edging closer to making a move, engineering it carefully. We ate tea, and then watched a DVD. Half way through we ended up snuggling up. Then he kissed me. No asking, or tentativeness. Just full on his face in my face. Which i don't stop him from doing. Naturally. Because really i want it. Although it implies we are back in the realms of are we/ aren't we. I have to leave shortly after, as the Korf Student Nationals were on the Saturday, which involved setting off from Keele at 7am... "Are you actually going to leave?" Is what he said. I don't know what would have happened had i not have left. Saturday i am in Manchester all day, playing at Nationals. I have arranged to have tea with him in the evening when i get back, to finally eat the food i bought for him. He is supposed to be cooking it for me as i have spent 8 solid hours playing korfball, but he is being a bit of an arse when i get there, showing off in front of his flatmates. So i end up cooking most of it. We eat together, and he becomes less of an arse. He is quite sweet and tender and when i am quiet asks me if i am ok and if i am tired. Later in the evening we got to a pub in Nantwich to see a band play who Dave and Alex went to uni with. He had asked me if i wanted to go a couple of days earlier, and i had told him i would go if i wasn't too tired. I purposely don't mention it when i am there with him, leaving him the opportunity to not take me, but he tells Alex and Katie i am going with them, so it appears as though i am going... The gig was cool, the band were actually really good. I spend most of it being impossibly attracted to him. When we leave, Dave drives us all back to his and Alex's, without even asking if i want taking home. So i assume he wants me at his. Katie goes home and Alex goes to bed and Dave says "so what are we going to do for the rest of the evening?" We spend a couple of hours farting about, not doing anything in particular and then its midnight, and he says we need to decide something to do, or just go to sleep. So i ask him what kind of night it is. Because in the realms of Daffyd and I, there are sensible nights, and there are not sensible nights. Its difficult to work out which night is which most of the time. He tells me its a "my girlfriend is coming early in the morning, and Alex knows you are here and hasn't left yet- night" Which is fair enough. But one wonders why we spent so much time together if it was that kind of night. Then he tells me again about Ele, and her newly acquired PGCE place and how they will have to live together next year, even though he doesn't really want her to come and doesn't want to live with her and is dreading next year it means we have to be sensible from now on because leaving her now would make things difficult next year. I tell him that i can't cope with the constant chopping and changing anymore and that i am not having cake and eating it anymore, these are real big feelings i have now and i'm not going to let him do this to me again, because it hurts to much. He might be being sensible now, but how long until he changes his mind again? So he says that this is the final decision. Sensible is the final decision. He is never going to leave Ele, and wants to have time to get over this before he has to move in with her next year. He "doesn't want to hurt anybody" and he thinks i will be less hurt than Ele by being left. So i am being left. Which is fine. It was only ever going to end this way. The minute he told me Ele was applying for Keele, i knew she would get in and i knew he would become more trapped and i knew i would be the one who lost. The thing that makes it hurt the most is that i know he wants what i want, he is just too ridiculous and stubborn and stupid to have it. But he refuses to have any of it. I "couldn't possibly understand" their relationship. No matter that they are both living a sham, it is "making her happy". Curing all her problems. Of course it is. Of course she would be thrilled to learn that her boyfriend has been fucking me for the past two months, and that he doesn't really love her and has in fact just been wasting her life when she could have been out finding someone who really loves her. He told me that last week, he was all geared up to leave her for me, because he thought it was the right thing to do. But then, they went to London together, and it wasn't as bad as he thought, so he didn't... I'm pretty sure that sounded a lot better in his head...
So it is over. Which i might find a little easier to accept if i didn't know that he wants me exactly as much as i want him. He still wants to be friends, to the extent that we always have been. I'm not sure how that will work, since when i'm with him, all i want to do is touch him and kiss him and he tells me he wants the same. But neither of us want to go through some ridiculous charade of ignoring each other for the rest of the year. I am taking a few days away from him anyway. Until i decide.
I am fairly certain i could go home now, and persuade myself to be in love with The Boy again. I don't particularly want to get over Daffyd, and i certainly don't want him to get over me. But the alternative is Nothing. Its never going to happen. He is ditching me, to have a nice cosy life with Ele. There is always a constant in his nice worked out little life, and that is her. I, on the other hand, feel like i have had my life smashed up into tiny little pieces. I am not sure on what basis i can make things work with The Boy anymore. I should probably leave him, just on moral grounds, but apparently i am not big on morality and so will probably stay with him as a comfort blanket. But i'm not sure how long i can do that for. And then i have nothing. I don't have Boy or Daffyd. And he carries on his perfect little life as though nothing ever happened. Even now, as i write this, he is out having Sunday lunch with her, pretending things are nice and normal. While i am alone and hurt.
Part of me wants Ele to find out. If i left The Boy and told him i had been cheating on him, i'm pretty sure she would find out. He can be very vengeful. But part of me wants to tell her. Not personally, but i want her to know. Which is horrible and selfish because she has been raped and self harms and god knows what else and she doesn't deserve to be hurt anymore. But she has a right to know, yes? And i wouldn't be doing it for her, for nobility, i would be doing it for selfish and vindictive reasons. And that wouldn't get me what i want anyway. Daffyd would know what i had done and then he would hate me.
I am so upset, and he doesn't really seem to understand why. Which is frustrating.
I can think of lots of reasons why it is a very good thing that this is over. But right now i can't see past the feelings.
I am tempted to tell Katie about what has been going on. I suspect she would lose a lot of respect for me, lord knows i have lost all respect for myself. But i would have someone to talk and cry to. She could tell me what a cunt he is and how i am too good for him. And things would feel better. I would feel less like cutting myself up. But then i would have to tell Roo. Part of me wants to tell her too. But i don't know. Then they would hate him. Which would be difficult.
In other news. KUKC did not come last at the student Nationals. We came 13th out of 16. We didn't even spend the whole day getting mullered like we did at regionals. Though we lost most of our games and drew two and won one, we only lost by one goal each time. There was no screaming and retribution, possibly due to the calming influence of Jon, our coach who came this time. All in all, it was a fairly pleasant day. And the last time Keele 1 will officially play together as a team. Which is quite sad really. The more i think about these things, the less i want to leave university.
My sister has been dumped by her boyfriend. The last time my sister was dumped by her boyfriend, she slashed her wrists... Don't really know what to do about that one.
All in all i think a negative outcome for the week.
Its quite ridiculous how much i rely on the computery thing. I literally cannot do anything without it. No work, no internet, no music, no films... nothing. I have had to become excessively reliant on the library and friends to keep me worked and entertained, which is rubbish to say the least.
Anyway. On to the main point of the day. The Daffyd thing, it would appear, is actually, finally over. No messing about this time. Because i am weak and silly, and prone to taking even the most minor of slights the wrong way, i allowed myself to get back into it, after the argument. Which apparently wasn't really an argument, just him being in a bad mood, inadvertantly taking it out on me, and me being oversensitive about it. We have spent the night together since then, last Thursday. Not to have sex, just to sleep. But the general consensus was that it was still a romantic thing. He went off to London for the weekend for his birthday. When he came back, we seemed to be back into the is it on/ is it off situation, where i agonise over the whole thing for days on end, and he wants to spend time with me, cook dinner together, go out etc but makes no moves to imply we are more than just friends. On Monday i rang him in tears because my laptop had died, and i was panicking and upset. He came over, attempted to fix it, failed, spent a bit of time at mine, claiming he couldn't go home because "it was raining" even though i think we can assume he just didn't want to go. Then he took me to his so i could use his computer to do some work, bought me pizza for tea and then we watched a film with Roo. On Tuesday, i went to the pub with Joey. At the end of the evening i get a text on my phone from him, asking if i fancy a trip to Tesco with him... This text he had sent about two hours previously, but i had only just received because my network reception is terrible in Keele. So i replied to say sorry for not texting earlier and missing the Tesco trip. He replies to say he hasn't been yet, as he has been sitting waiting for me to reply. Which seems a little strange. After all, if he wanted to go to Tesco, surely he just would have gone. Excuses? So i went to Tesco with him, and bought food to cook with him, in return for the pizza. We spend a little time together afterwards, but nothing happens. Thursday he wants me to cook for him, but i have work to do, and Korf training, and he apparently is incapable of waiting an hour to eat, so we don't have dinner together. After Korf, i realise in blind panic that i have forgotten to submit my projects electronically (which you have to, so they can be run through the plaigarism software), which potentially means i have missed the deadline and will have my marks capped. So i have to go to Roo's to use her internet to do this. Except her stupid wireless mouse and keyboard for some reason refuse to work when any USB port is in use so i can't actually get my projects from the memory stick onto the computer. So i have to go downstairs and beg the use of Daffyd's computer and internet again. I go in and do it, and come straight out again. Whilst i am there, he tells me that Ele has got a place at Keele to do her PGCE. I ask him if that is a good thing or a bad thing, and he says he doesn't know yet. Which one can only assume is not a good thing, because otherwise he wouldn't even have to think about it... But i don't get into a discussion about it. I leave. Which i am proud of myself for doing. On Friday afternoon, for the first time in a while, he pops up on MSN and speaks to me spontaneously, without me speaking to him first. I in the process of being cold and bored and pretending to work in the library, and so he invites me round for tea, cos he has "loads of food and will never be able to eat it all" Which wasn't entirely the truth... but hey, free tea. More excuses? For some reason, on Friday, i was feeling distinctly underwhelmed by him. I don't know why. I just didn't feel particularly attracted to him or feel like i wanted to be that close to him. Maybe he picked up on this, i don't know. But he quite clearly wanted something romantic today. He was slowly edging closer to making a move, engineering it carefully. We ate tea, and then watched a DVD. Half way through we ended up snuggling up. Then he kissed me. No asking, or tentativeness. Just full on his face in my face. Which i don't stop him from doing. Naturally. Because really i want it. Although it implies we are back in the realms of are we/ aren't we. I have to leave shortly after, as the Korf Student Nationals were on the Saturday, which involved setting off from Keele at 7am... "Are you actually going to leave?" Is what he said. I don't know what would have happened had i not have left. Saturday i am in Manchester all day, playing at Nationals. I have arranged to have tea with him in the evening when i get back, to finally eat the food i bought for him. He is supposed to be cooking it for me as i have spent 8 solid hours playing korfball, but he is being a bit of an arse when i get there, showing off in front of his flatmates. So i end up cooking most of it. We eat together, and he becomes less of an arse. He is quite sweet and tender and when i am quiet asks me if i am ok and if i am tired. Later in the evening we got to a pub in Nantwich to see a band play who Dave and Alex went to uni with. He had asked me if i wanted to go a couple of days earlier, and i had told him i would go if i wasn't too tired. I purposely don't mention it when i am there with him, leaving him the opportunity to not take me, but he tells Alex and Katie i am going with them, so it appears as though i am going... The gig was cool, the band were actually really good. I spend most of it being impossibly attracted to him. When we leave, Dave drives us all back to his and Alex's, without even asking if i want taking home. So i assume he wants me at his. Katie goes home and Alex goes to bed and Dave says "so what are we going to do for the rest of the evening?" We spend a couple of hours farting about, not doing anything in particular and then its midnight, and he says we need to decide something to do, or just go to sleep. So i ask him what kind of night it is. Because in the realms of Daffyd and I, there are sensible nights, and there are not sensible nights. Its difficult to work out which night is which most of the time. He tells me its a "my girlfriend is coming early in the morning, and Alex knows you are here and hasn't left yet- night" Which is fair enough. But one wonders why we spent so much time together if it was that kind of night. Then he tells me again about Ele, and her newly acquired PGCE place and how they will have to live together next year, even though he doesn't really want her to come and doesn't want to live with her and is dreading next year it means we have to be sensible from now on because leaving her now would make things difficult next year. I tell him that i can't cope with the constant chopping and changing anymore and that i am not having cake and eating it anymore, these are real big feelings i have now and i'm not going to let him do this to me again, because it hurts to much. He might be being sensible now, but how long until he changes his mind again? So he says that this is the final decision. Sensible is the final decision. He is never going to leave Ele, and wants to have time to get over this before he has to move in with her next year. He "doesn't want to hurt anybody" and he thinks i will be less hurt than Ele by being left. So i am being left. Which is fine. It was only ever going to end this way. The minute he told me Ele was applying for Keele, i knew she would get in and i knew he would become more trapped and i knew i would be the one who lost. The thing that makes it hurt the most is that i know he wants what i want, he is just too ridiculous and stubborn and stupid to have it. But he refuses to have any of it. I "couldn't possibly understand" their relationship. No matter that they are both living a sham, it is "making her happy". Curing all her problems. Of course it is. Of course she would be thrilled to learn that her boyfriend has been fucking me for the past two months, and that he doesn't really love her and has in fact just been wasting her life when she could have been out finding someone who really loves her. He told me that last week, he was all geared up to leave her for me, because he thought it was the right thing to do. But then, they went to London together, and it wasn't as bad as he thought, so he didn't... I'm pretty sure that sounded a lot better in his head...
So it is over. Which i might find a little easier to accept if i didn't know that he wants me exactly as much as i want him. He still wants to be friends, to the extent that we always have been. I'm not sure how that will work, since when i'm with him, all i want to do is touch him and kiss him and he tells me he wants the same. But neither of us want to go through some ridiculous charade of ignoring each other for the rest of the year. I am taking a few days away from him anyway. Until i decide.
I am fairly certain i could go home now, and persuade myself to be in love with The Boy again. I don't particularly want to get over Daffyd, and i certainly don't want him to get over me. But the alternative is Nothing. Its never going to happen. He is ditching me, to have a nice cosy life with Ele. There is always a constant in his nice worked out little life, and that is her. I, on the other hand, feel like i have had my life smashed up into tiny little pieces. I am not sure on what basis i can make things work with The Boy anymore. I should probably leave him, just on moral grounds, but apparently i am not big on morality and so will probably stay with him as a comfort blanket. But i'm not sure how long i can do that for. And then i have nothing. I don't have Boy or Daffyd. And he carries on his perfect little life as though nothing ever happened. Even now, as i write this, he is out having Sunday lunch with her, pretending things are nice and normal. While i am alone and hurt.
Part of me wants Ele to find out. If i left The Boy and told him i had been cheating on him, i'm pretty sure she would find out. He can be very vengeful. But part of me wants to tell her. Not personally, but i want her to know. Which is horrible and selfish because she has been raped and self harms and god knows what else and she doesn't deserve to be hurt anymore. But she has a right to know, yes? And i wouldn't be doing it for her, for nobility, i would be doing it for selfish and vindictive reasons. And that wouldn't get me what i want anyway. Daffyd would know what i had done and then he would hate me.
I am so upset, and he doesn't really seem to understand why. Which is frustrating.
I can think of lots of reasons why it is a very good thing that this is over. But right now i can't see past the feelings.
I am tempted to tell Katie about what has been going on. I suspect she would lose a lot of respect for me, lord knows i have lost all respect for myself. But i would have someone to talk and cry to. She could tell me what a cunt he is and how i am too good for him. And things would feel better. I would feel less like cutting myself up. But then i would have to tell Roo. Part of me wants to tell her too. But i don't know. Then they would hate him. Which would be difficult.
In other news. KUKC did not come last at the student Nationals. We came 13th out of 16. We didn't even spend the whole day getting mullered like we did at regionals. Though we lost most of our games and drew two and won one, we only lost by one goal each time. There was no screaming and retribution, possibly due to the calming influence of Jon, our coach who came this time. All in all, it was a fairly pleasant day. And the last time Keele 1 will officially play together as a team. Which is quite sad really. The more i think about these things, the less i want to leave university.
My sister has been dumped by her boyfriend. The last time my sister was dumped by her boyfriend, she slashed her wrists... Don't really know what to do about that one.
All in all i think a negative outcome for the week.
Friday 14 March 2008
Saturday 8 March 2008
Save the last one...
I put my ballet shoes on this afternoon. (Yes this is the extent to which i will go to avoid writing my dissertation). I don't think i've had them on since i was about 19, and those bastards hurt after all this time.
I miss being able to dance. The expression, the skill, the cameraderie, the excitement, the awe of others. Even the sewing, the hairspray, the cramp, the lost Saturdays and the panic.
I hate being grown up. Its so restrictive.
I miss being able to dance. The expression, the skill, the cameraderie, the excitement, the awe of others. Even the sewing, the hairspray, the cramp, the lost Saturdays and the panic.
I hate being grown up. Its so restrictive.
Friday 7 March 2008
Untouchable...
Bugger...
The laptop shit itself in spectacular style last night. Taking with it my very recently completed experimental project, plus a number of other semi-important documents... It Blue-Screen-of-Death-ed me, restarted itself about twelve times and just generally refused to do anything useful beyond the start up screen.
Thankfully after leaving it overnight to cool down and have a little rest, it seems to be ok today. It is making some decidedly strange noises however, i think perhaps the fan is fucked. Fingers crossed it will hold out until April... I shall have to be nice to it for a while.
Note to self: I will back up my immensely important university work in the future!
Thankfully after leaving it overnight to cool down and have a little rest, it seems to be ok today. It is making some decidedly strange noises however, i think perhaps the fan is fucked. Fingers crossed it will hold out until April... I shall have to be nice to it for a while.
Note to self: I will back up my immensely important university work in the future!
Thursday 6 March 2008
Wednesday 5 March 2008
So You Know
I don't know who i thought i was kidding when i thought i could get out of all this unscathed. How i thought i was going to be able to cope, emotionally speaking, given my mental fragility... shall we say. How i ever thought it was going to work. I am selfish, and naive, clearly.
And now it has all blown up in my face and i feel like i'm in pieces. It hurts so much, and its nobody's fault but my own.
I can't do the things i have done and not get attached. I haven't got it in me to be the "other woman". Second best, whatever. I want affection, attention, i want more than i feel like i can demand from you, more than i think you are willing to give.
It kills me that you are so distant now. But it stands to reason, now you have had what you want. You were never interested in me, or what i do or who i am. Apparently its been plain for everyone else to see, just not me.
I want to be distant and aloof. But i can't do it. I suspect the knowledge of this only fuels your desire to hold me at arms length. Despite it all, the only person i want to be comforted by is you.
I know i deserve everything i get.
Right now, i can only think of one way to make this stop. But you're not worth it. You'd think it was all about you. And your sense of self importance is big enough already.
And now it has all blown up in my face and i feel like i'm in pieces. It hurts so much, and its nobody's fault but my own.
I can't do the things i have done and not get attached. I haven't got it in me to be the "other woman". Second best, whatever. I want affection, attention, i want more than i feel like i can demand from you, more than i think you are willing to give.
It kills me that you are so distant now. But it stands to reason, now you have had what you want. You were never interested in me, or what i do or who i am. Apparently its been plain for everyone else to see, just not me.
I want to be distant and aloof. But i can't do it. I suspect the knowledge of this only fuels your desire to hold me at arms length. Despite it all, the only person i want to be comforted by is you.
I know i deserve everything i get.
Right now, i can only think of one way to make this stop. But you're not worth it. You'd think it was all about you. And your sense of self importance is big enough already.
Tuesday 4 March 2008
Stuff and Fings...
I am so unbelievably tired. Today, i've had to like, do stuff. Shocking.
I had lectures 9 til 1, and then in the afternoon my IBMS/ HPC registration portfolio was assessed... which took fucking ages. Four hours we had to sit in the undergrad room, pretending to do tutorial work and generally faffing around, while the examiners went through the portfolios sentence by sodding sentence apparently... Though i passed, in the end. So now i can be let loose in the NHS, whoop!
I am still agonising over the Daffyd situation. After our argument on Sunday in which he was incredibly rude and vicious towards me for no apparent reason, i decided i wasn't going to speak to him until he apologised. Despite my inherent obsessiveness, i managed to stand my ground. On Monday, he found a couple of really ridiculous reasons to text me. One nil to me i think. He was his usual infuriating self, acting as though nothing had happened, chattering away. I asked him if he was going to apologise, and he said no, basically. I had another rather nasty discussion, in which he proved what a nasty, manipulative, controlling and self righteous arsehole he is. He refuses to accept any responsibility for upsetting me, and doggedly insisted that the whole thing was my fault and just generally spent an hour implying how stupid and pathetic i was. I was so incredibly frustrated and upset with him, i couldn't even bear to argue with him any longer.
Today i went to Crewe to play a match and generally help coach with the korf beginners from the new C&N club that Roo has set up with a couple of people from Castle. I knew he was going to be there, but at the end of the day, Roo asked me to go, and i'm not going to hide away because of him. I was apprehensive. But he was just acting as though nothing had happened. Simultaneously good, as i didn't have the energy for another argument with him, and annoying, as he knows how much he has upset me this week, and doesn't even have the decency to make reference to it. He didn't invite me to his after, and i haven't made reference to it. I am disappointed, but i know i shouldn't be. It infuriates me that he isn't trying to be with me. I would take great pleasure in being able to cut him down. I sincerely hope he hasn't decided he is being sensible again, and thinks he is holding me at arms length until i get the message. If its over, its over because i say it is, because he is an arsehole, and i want him to know that. I know it shouldn't matter but it does. He thinks i am some needy clingy little bint who will keep running back to him, who he can just charm into bed when he feels like it, and who he can ignore when he pleases. Well i won't be. And he is going to know it.
(Now i just need to convince myself).
(I still miss him and want him. Clearly moreso now i think i can't have him)
God, i am such a fuckwit.
Sleep time i think.
I had lectures 9 til 1, and then in the afternoon my IBMS/ HPC registration portfolio was assessed... which took fucking ages. Four hours we had to sit in the undergrad room, pretending to do tutorial work and generally faffing around, while the examiners went through the portfolios sentence by sodding sentence apparently... Though i passed, in the end. So now i can be let loose in the NHS, whoop!
I am still agonising over the Daffyd situation. After our argument on Sunday in which he was incredibly rude and vicious towards me for no apparent reason, i decided i wasn't going to speak to him until he apologised. Despite my inherent obsessiveness, i managed to stand my ground. On Monday, he found a couple of really ridiculous reasons to text me. One nil to me i think. He was his usual infuriating self, acting as though nothing had happened, chattering away. I asked him if he was going to apologise, and he said no, basically. I had another rather nasty discussion, in which he proved what a nasty, manipulative, controlling and self righteous arsehole he is. He refuses to accept any responsibility for upsetting me, and doggedly insisted that the whole thing was my fault and just generally spent an hour implying how stupid and pathetic i was. I was so incredibly frustrated and upset with him, i couldn't even bear to argue with him any longer.
Today i went to Crewe to play a match and generally help coach with the korf beginners from the new C&N club that Roo has set up with a couple of people from Castle. I knew he was going to be there, but at the end of the day, Roo asked me to go, and i'm not going to hide away because of him. I was apprehensive. But he was just acting as though nothing had happened. Simultaneously good, as i didn't have the energy for another argument with him, and annoying, as he knows how much he has upset me this week, and doesn't even have the decency to make reference to it. He didn't invite me to his after, and i haven't made reference to it. I am disappointed, but i know i shouldn't be. It infuriates me that he isn't trying to be with me. I would take great pleasure in being able to cut him down. I sincerely hope he hasn't decided he is being sensible again, and thinks he is holding me at arms length until i get the message. If its over, its over because i say it is, because he is an arsehole, and i want him to know that. I know it shouldn't matter but it does. He thinks i am some needy clingy little bint who will keep running back to him, who he can just charm into bed when he feels like it, and who he can ignore when he pleases. Well i won't be. And he is going to know it.
(Now i just need to convince myself).
(I still miss him and want him. Clearly moreso now i think i can't have him)
God, i am such a fuckwit.
Sleep time i think.
Sunday 2 March 2008
Ten and a bit reasons why it is probably a good thing that Daffyd and I will no longer be sharing bodily fluids:
And why we definitely will not be tempted to text/ MSN/ ring him tomorrow to unleash a tirade of abuse/ psychosis/ hysterical crying. To be read repeatedly in case of Dave pining emergency.
#1. He is a moody, controlling, manipulative, attention seeking arse, who has quite clearly singled me out as an easy target for his games in mind-fuck.
#2. He makes me feel very small and very stupid. And i am not small. And i am definitely not stupid.
#3. Him and his situation bring out the very worst in me. He makes me paranoid and anxious and whiney and clingy and i lose all ability to articulate myself when arguing with him and just become generally insane. Lets face it, i need that like a hole in the head. I am more than capable of being insane without outside help...
#4. He is apparently, the most indecisive man in the world. One minute he wants me, the next minute he feels guilty and he doesn't. Not that it would cross his mind to actually communicate this to me. No, he would rather hold me at arms length for a week or so and expect me work it out for myself.
#5. He is too spineless and pathetic to leave a relationship he doesn't want to be in, despite claiming to be in love with me.
#6. He has a major league martyr complex.
#7. He seems to think its acceptable to take it out on me, everytime he is suffering from his man period, by talking to me as though i am the piece of metaphorical shit on his shoe.
#8. I will no longer have to risk losing the love and respect of the three people i love most in the world, when they inevitably found out what had been going on.
#9. He is, in fact, quite ugly really.
#10. His penis isn't even half as big as he thinks it is.
#11. I want to be in control of this situation. And i never will be unless i take charge of it now. Even if he comes to me tomorrow, acting as though nothing ever happened, which he most likely will do, i am just allowing myself to be used yet again.
#12. Even though i am a little bit scared that i have fucked things up for good, and he won't come crawling back tomorrow, i know that it is probably for the best. The longer this goes on, the more attached to him i become, and for the reasons outlined above, we quite clearly will never be in a relationship together. In two months, i will almost certainly never see him again. And to be in love with him at that point would be soul destroying.
#13. I miss My Boy. He worships the ground i walk on. He thinks i am beautiful and funny and clever and he tells me so. He wants to make me happy, not mess with my head. I miss the laughter we used to have. I am going to make an effort and i am going to get that back.
#14. This is just about the worst possible time to be distracted from university work by ridiculous emotional turmoil. And he damn well knows it. I'll be damned if i'm going to let him fuck up my degree along with everything else.
#15. I haven't cried over a man since i was about 12... until today...
#16. I can start to pull myself out of this quagmire of guilt and start to rebuild my self respect...
#17. He is probably just using me for sex anyway, and i am too stubborn and stupid to see it.
#18. Now i can go back to only having to shave my legs on weekends...
#19. This evening, for the first time in over two years, i seriously contemplated taking the rest of the paracetemol in the packet. And i blame him entirely for that.
************************************************************
Now i just need to exercise some self control... Help please.
#1. He is a moody, controlling, manipulative, attention seeking arse, who has quite clearly singled me out as an easy target for his games in mind-fuck.
#2. He makes me feel very small and very stupid. And i am not small. And i am definitely not stupid.
#3. Him and his situation bring out the very worst in me. He makes me paranoid and anxious and whiney and clingy and i lose all ability to articulate myself when arguing with him and just become generally insane. Lets face it, i need that like a hole in the head. I am more than capable of being insane without outside help...
#4. He is apparently, the most indecisive man in the world. One minute he wants me, the next minute he feels guilty and he doesn't. Not that it would cross his mind to actually communicate this to me. No, he would rather hold me at arms length for a week or so and expect me work it out for myself.
#5. He is too spineless and pathetic to leave a relationship he doesn't want to be in, despite claiming to be in love with me.
#6. He has a major league martyr complex.
#7. He seems to think its acceptable to take it out on me, everytime he is suffering from his man period, by talking to me as though i am the piece of metaphorical shit on his shoe.
#8. I will no longer have to risk losing the love and respect of the three people i love most in the world, when they inevitably found out what had been going on.
#9. He is, in fact, quite ugly really.
#10. His penis isn't even half as big as he thinks it is.
#11. I want to be in control of this situation. And i never will be unless i take charge of it now. Even if he comes to me tomorrow, acting as though nothing ever happened, which he most likely will do, i am just allowing myself to be used yet again.
#12. Even though i am a little bit scared that i have fucked things up for good, and he won't come crawling back tomorrow, i know that it is probably for the best. The longer this goes on, the more attached to him i become, and for the reasons outlined above, we quite clearly will never be in a relationship together. In two months, i will almost certainly never see him again. And to be in love with him at that point would be soul destroying.
#13. I miss My Boy. He worships the ground i walk on. He thinks i am beautiful and funny and clever and he tells me so. He wants to make me happy, not mess with my head. I miss the laughter we used to have. I am going to make an effort and i am going to get that back.
#14. This is just about the worst possible time to be distracted from university work by ridiculous emotional turmoil. And he damn well knows it. I'll be damned if i'm going to let him fuck up my degree along with everything else.
#15. I haven't cried over a man since i was about 12... until today...
#16. I can start to pull myself out of this quagmire of guilt and start to rebuild my self respect...
#17. He is probably just using me for sex anyway, and i am too stubborn and stupid to see it.
#18. Now i can go back to only having to shave my legs on weekends...
#19. This evening, for the first time in over two years, i seriously contemplated taking the rest of the paracetemol in the packet. And i blame him entirely for that.
************************************************************
Now i just need to exercise some self control... Help please.
Saturday 1 March 2008
One track minds...
Yesterday in the middle of a perfectly normal conversation, Roo suddenly demanded to know, rather heatedly, "why do your boobs look so enormous in that top!?" I was forced to reply that i didn't really know.
Later on, Daffyd told me he was in love with my breasts. (Not me now... Just my breasts...)
For the record, my breasts are pretty average. I'm not quite sure why the whole world has developed such an obsession with them this past week... But hey. One day i will be old and saggy. And these conversations will be a comfort to me, i'm sure.
Keele One lost yet another match last night, and so we can now no longer come top of the league. But we came top last year so, its not so bad...
Second team nationals are in a fortnight, and if first team nationals were anything to go by, i am not looking forward to that day...
I stayed at Daffyd's last night, which was a tad risky and i probably won't be doing again. That's one good thing about living in my flat. Noone really cares if i'm alive or dead, and so aren't particularly interested in who is sleeping in my bed either!
I have started my project analysis and discussion today! I probably should feel slightly less stressed now, but i am starting to become aware of the ever expanding pile of other work i have to do in the next fortnight and so it is a hollow victory. I just can't seem to motivate myself to do any work at the moment. I seem to get to this point every year, where i just can't work, and the work that i am doing feels like its utter shite. Third year, second semester is a rather unfortunate time to choke though. Sigh.
Plus usual residual guilt.
Later on, Daffyd told me he was in love with my breasts. (Not me now... Just my breasts...)
For the record, my breasts are pretty average. I'm not quite sure why the whole world has developed such an obsession with them this past week... But hey. One day i will be old and saggy. And these conversations will be a comfort to me, i'm sure.
Keele One lost yet another match last night, and so we can now no longer come top of the league. But we came top last year so, its not so bad...
Second team nationals are in a fortnight, and if first team nationals were anything to go by, i am not looking forward to that day...
I stayed at Daffyd's last night, which was a tad risky and i probably won't be doing again. That's one good thing about living in my flat. Noone really cares if i'm alive or dead, and so aren't particularly interested in who is sleeping in my bed either!
I have started my project analysis and discussion today! I probably should feel slightly less stressed now, but i am starting to become aware of the ever expanding pile of other work i have to do in the next fortnight and so it is a hollow victory. I just can't seem to motivate myself to do any work at the moment. I seem to get to this point every year, where i just can't work, and the work that i am doing feels like its utter shite. Third year, second semester is a rather unfortunate time to choke though. Sigh.
Plus usual residual guilt.
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