Ten Reasons...

Ten reasons why i need to start writing this diary before my head explodes...

One: The Boy. I love The Boy. A ridiculous amount. I want to spend every minute of every day with him. So much so that it seems kind of... unhealthy, i think would be the right word. Besotted, infatuated etc. It leads me to wonder whether i love him, or whether he's just a symptom of my general fucked-up-ness...

Two: Despite this fierce love, lately all we do is argue... which is never a good sign. I know its my fault because i'm a clingy awful bunny boiler of a girlfriend. I'm also impossible to please and need constant sources of entertainment, otherwise i go mad and start climbing the walls with boredom. Not the personality traits of choice in a girlfriend...

Three: Its the summer holidays. I am bored. Yes, "only boring people are bored"... but thats fine by me. I am boring and i know it. At university, i'm okay. My friends are around and i have plenty of studying to do. When i'm at home i have nothing. I'm rarely able to find a job, and since the disintegration of ninety percent my pre-university friendships, i rarely have anyone to socialise with either. I'm left to focus entirely on the boy... which isn't terrible, since i hardly see him during term-time. But it makes me overly dependent on him, physically and emotionally. It makes me resent him for having friends and hobbies which i don't have... hence the bunny boiler-ness... hence the arguments....which is just, well, pathetic.

Four: Most of the friendships i had in college, i don't have anymore. At the time, they were so perfect, we were so completely on each other's wavelengths and we had a lot of fun times together. I know it happens to everyone, but after leaving for university; we drifted, kept insufficient contact, and now have little in common. I suppose its just my irrational mind, but i get the impression they don't care. This feeling is enhanced by the fact that many of them kept contact with each other, just not me. Rationally thinking, i know its my own fault. I immersed myself in university and boyfriends and work and so i missed out. I try to keep contact now, to organise meetings, but with little success. Since being at university, i've never really found adequate replacements for these friendships. I have a few close friends but not like before. People at university seem very disposable. One minute they are your flat-mate and best friend, and the next you haven't spoken to each other for ten weeks, and neither of you really care. I find the constant adjustment processes of moving from university to home and back again, difficult to handle, and as a consequence, seem to belong to neither scenario properly. When i'm at home, i seem to feel as though i'm in some kind of limbo, waiting for September for my life to start again.

Five: As i said, i'm boring. The Boy, however, is not. He has friends, hobbies, work... I feel under constant pressure to be going somewhere with someone to do something exciting, all the time. Just to prove to him that i'm not such a sad affair after all.

Six: The DemonBitch from Hell. Otherwise known as my youngest sister. Once upon a time, she idolised me, adored me. Then one day, for reasons known only to herself, she woke up and decided she hated me. Obviously this is somehow my fault (The mother) and i should just rise above it (The mother). And even though she treats me like the metaphorical piece of SHIT on her shoe, I should be nicer to her because i don't understand how difficult it is to be the youngest, and i am psychologically damaging her (The Mother). She is rude and nasty and spiteful and vindictive, and most of the time i would quite like to smash her smug, stupid little face against a wall. Instead, i have to live with her. (Another con of not being at university). My mother is a whole category of her own, but if i start writing about that now, i might be here forever.

Seven: Sometimes (see above) i can be quite aggressive. I only think aggressively. But still.

Eight: A year and a half ago, my libido disappeared. Seemingly never to be seen again. I took the crazy pills, i stopped taking the crazy pills, but still libido = AWOL. (I'm also still pretty crazy... evidently) This makes me incredibly depressed. Not only am i a psycho boiler of a girlfriend, but i also never want to have sex. Could i actually be The Worst Girlfriend Ever (tm) ? It also makes me feel woefully inadequate, less of a woman even.

Nine: I have the skin of a fourteen year old. Its far from pleasant.

Ten: I'm quite impressed i've managed to make this exactly ten. I had my third ever hangover last weekend. Which i think makes me officially old.