Of course...

...on the flipside, two boyfriends, christmas= extra presents.

God help the pair of them, they both actually love me.

Bleugh.

Ten things currently of note:

1. Listing. The low stress ready made blog template for the chronically lazy.

2. Having two boyfriends makes Christmas a tad expensive.

3. I should probably stop being so complacent about this whole affair business, its not making anyone very happy.

4. There is something inherently wrong about having to entertain your boyfriend's parents, when you know you're having an affair.

5. Watching the cat trot around the living room with your bra in her mouth, after it has been discarded for some impromptu sofa sex is infinitely hilarious. If a little bit wrong.

6. The new job people don't seem interested. Sigh. I am currently rethinking my career options and considering the clinical science route.

7. Noone likes people who talk about science in their blog.

8. Noone has noticed that my hair is no longer red.

9. My NBF Louise has got a new job and is leaving. Sob.

10. I seem to be falling in love with the Boy again, which is handy.

Well

I made Daffyd cry last night.

I can't believe i actually feel guilty after all the times i've cried over him.

Sigh.

The Unforgiven

I read a rather inspiring blog by one of my very dear friends today. Despite the fact he is a loud mouthed short arse with a receding hairline, who teaches snotty kids IT for a living, it made me want to be him, quite deseperately. He has, and i quote "literally everything i've ever dreamed of". He is happy and content. He regrets nothing.

I on the otherhand seem to stuck in a personal culture of malcontent and regret. I am depressed, mostly just because i am/ have been depressed. Nothing seems to be making me happy. Even things i think i want.

Bizzarely the only thing that currently worries the most about living this mental double-life of mine is the event of me having some terrible accident and being rushed to hospital, or even dying... Which one of them would turn up? What would happen if they both turned up!?

Periodically i get this horrible sick panicky feeling washing over me, thinking "what the fuck am i going to do about this!" But mostly i am just muddling along, waiting for disaster.

I've set the deadline now anyway, not that i ever stick to them. I really ought to do this time though, since i am currently spending Christmas in about seven places...

I will probably be dumped by the time he gets home anyway, since he has taken to spying on me, checking my internet history etc.

Also i am looking for a new job, because i can.

Sigh.

Self abuse

I can't believe there are still people around who check this site with regularity, given the dire state of my update frequency recently... I'll never know why you're still interested but i suppose i should say thank you.

I also find it difficult to believe just how ridiculous my life continues to be. My depression is worse than it ever has been and i can only honestly blame myself.

I have a beautiful little end terraced house currently in the process of being made mine. I have a boy begging to move into it with me and love me until the end of time. I have my job, which is lovely and some new friends who are equally lovely. In short i have everything i ever wanted, and i'm still not happy.

I'm still not happy because amazingly i'm still letting a certain manipulative controlling, abusive someone have a hold on me and my life, under some facade of loving him and him loving me. I cannot think of a worse person to be with, a less sympathetic, understanding, supportive person, and yet still i think i'd be better off there. Because occasionally he makes me laugh. And he holds me when we go to sleep.

This is why i don't update anymore, because then i'd have to tell you how everyday i think about those pills. Maybe because thats the only way to get his attention. Maybe cos its the only way to make it stop.

Clean slate and all that.

So when i said later...

I meant much much later, clearly! I can't imagine anyone reads this anymore anyway. In fact i am contemplating deleting it, and starting again. There is so much stuff in here lately which i am quiet deeply ashamed of. Maybe a fresh start is called for.

This would involve sorting my life out however, which as is always the case with me, is much easier said than done.

In happier news, i'm the not so new girl at work now. I can do things. And i get paid. Woop.

I'm sure one day i'll get round to writing a proper update, but right now my head aches.

Zzzz....

Wow...

I haven't updated for a whole month! Whoops.

Well, i'm still alive. Thats about all i can say for now.

Life is confusing as always.

More later.

Destroy the Spineless...

I have never been particularly close to my parents, especially not my mother. The majority of my teenage years were spent as her emotional punchbag after my parents divorced, and so i have come to actually loathe her. I have never encountered any one person as petty, pathetic, hypocritical, moody and abusive as she is. Except perhaps my father... The joys of moving back home. But anyway...

So i have survived my first week in the working world. I may go so far as to say i've actually quite enjoyed it. It hasn't been fantastically interesting as i am mostly just doing MLA work for the moment and not even much of that really. It is incredibly frustrating to not even be trusted to put the right labels on the right bottles when you have spent four years studying some fairly complex science at university... But i suppose everyone has to start somewhere... Everyone seems fairly nice and there are quite a few people i can see myself getting on with really well once i settle in better. I am not loving the twelve hour days so much though. I am leaving the house at 6.45 every morning and not getting home until around 7 at night. Its not as tiring as i thought it would be, i seem to have got into a routine already, but i can imagaine after a few weeks it will feel like i am always at work. But for the moment, all is well.

Daffyd is on his way upto visit as i speak. Though it'll be nice to see him, i wish to god he wasn't coming. I'm terrified he will bump into The Boy in which case one of them will end up in hospital and the other one in prison... Sigh. Always so much stress.

Daffyd has very pretty blue eyes, however i think i have finally made up my mind and am preparing my leaving speech.

Eeek.

Loose Women

Well i am back from my Keele adventures, for good this time. I went back down on Friday to pick up my results- i got a first- oh yes! I'm actually not that excited about that... it probably sounds big headed but i pretty much already what it was going to be. Still it is always nice to have it be official. So now i am a first class Applied Biomedical Science graduate :)

On Friday night Dave and I went out for a meal with Roo and Rob to celebrate, which was a lot more pleasant than i was expecting. It made things with Dave seem much more official, since we are now apparently accepted as a couple. After food, Roo and I went to the cinema to see the Sex and the City film (which incidentally is hilarious if a little cliched...) while the boys went into town to watch some football. Saturday Dave and Roo had the Castle end of season barbeque, which i gatecrashed despite being a Keele player. The rest of the week has been spent mostly just dossing around doing nothing in particular.

And now i'm home again, which is a bit dull really.

Things with Dave are strange. I still don't really know where its all going. Things are periodically lovely, and then awful and i struggle to work out if he is genuinely being an arsehole or if i just can't cope with different-ness of it all. I feel as though i am having to hold back from him slightly sometimes. I don't know how much of the problem is to do with my state of mind. I have unleashed a fair few episodes of hysterical depressive crap on him recently and so to be fair i am lucky he hasn't gone running for the hills... Sometimes i think it just isn't going to work, it shouldn't be this difficult this early in, and that i should end it. But then i look at him and his lovely blue eyes and his occasional flashes of sweetness and affection....

I miss The Boy terribly, which probably isn't helping either.

I am still being "anonymously" abused via David's blog, which makes me so angry i can bearly even see straight. How can these people be so pathetic and so bloody self righteous at the same time! Ele claims to be far happier now than she ever was, as does Dave, so what's the problem? Three months is plenty of time to wallow and while i was originally guilty, sorry blah blah whatever, now i just beginning to lose sympathy with them all, they need to get over it. We came clean, did the right thing, and now we are trying to make the best of a bad situation, and they should do the same. I wouldn't mind, but its not even any of their sodding business- they have no idea what went on! They have no idea who i am or what i'm like, yet still feel they need to judge me for it! I know i shouldn't be letting it get to me, but well, i'm not very good at it. Am i going to be harassed about this for the rest of my life!?

Oh how i wish none of this had ever happened. I would like my old life back please.

Anyway.

Work on Monday, and i am suitably terrified. Noone is going to like me, i'm not going to be able to do the work, i hate being the new person... blah blah usual neuroses. People keep sending me forms to fill in and documents to find and its so overwhelming. I am feeling generally overwhelmed by the whole of adult life at the moment. How am i going to hold down a full time job? How am i going to cope!? I tried to look for a flat the other day and just ended up being overwhelmed (again) by the number of estate agents and properties and... argh. I wish i could just make someone do it for me. Or failing that, stay in bed for the rest of my life...

I think a re-emergence of the crazy pills may be on the cards.

Yawn...

I'm pretty sure i have about 25 other posts with this title, but at the moment i can't really be bothereed thinking of a more imaginative one. So tough.

I have only been at home for 2 and a half days and i'm already fantastically bored. Daffyd drove me home on Thursday with all my worldly possessions, and was well received by the family, which is always good. We drove back to Keele the same night in order to attend the Bristol tournament this weekend. Which was pleasant enough. KUKC came 4th! Out of 22! Not last! Fucking Christ knows how we managed that, there were some fierce competitors but hey, its a nice end to our season. It always amuses me when good teams lose to Keele. They get so very cross. Castle came third from last, so they were all a little grumpy... The social in the evening was rubbish, and the tent sleeping was worse. But all in all, not a terrible way to spend the weekend. Sunday was spent back in Keele again with Daffyd, and then Monday i came home. Tomorrow i am going back to Keele again to pick up my results and play some more- i can't wait!

I am starting work on the 23rd of June which is terrifically scary.

I can't really be bothered to elaborate more than this... bit of a pointless post really...

Some people just have no sense of irony....

Daffyd blogs. Its is chronically dull and he is not a very inspiring writer, but thats besides the point. I would give you the link but i don't particularly want him to read my blog, being the honesty pit that it is.

Anyway, recently a couple of "anonymous" commenters have been slagging him off on this blog. Without even getting into the bizarreness of the fact that these people who supposedly don't like him, taking time out of their day to read and then comment these blogs, i find it just a little bit tragic that these people are so pathetic that they don't even leave their name to these insults...

...That is of little consequence anyway, as with a decent bit of stat-counter stalking, people are easily identified...

As non other than two of his ex-girlfriends...

Now, Ele, i can understand. She has been the loser in all of this, and bitterness is only to be expected. The other one however is beyond me... she appears to be slagging him off for cheating on Ele, when strangely enough, she split up with Daffyd after she cheated on him... Hypocritical no?

What makes it even more hilarious is that when these comments are replied to, both Ele and the other ex comment (leaving their names this time), all faux shock and incredulity at being accused... despite the quite, um, blatant evidence that it was them.

Ele now fills her blog with a load of self indulgent shite about being accused of abusing Daffyd, and how in fact it was her being bullyed all these years... not being allowed to wear what she wants or see her friends... boo fucking hoo.

I should feel sorry for her, i know i should. She quite blatantly is still in love with him, or she wouldnt be wasting her time and effort on this. But part of me wants to give her a slap and tell her to get a fucking life. Men only treat you how you let them treat you. And i'm glad to say, if any man told me to go upstairs and get changed after seeing my outfit. i'd tell him to shut the fuck up or get the fuck out.

And if he was such an awful boyfriend anyway, then why the big issue? Why not just be thankful you're out of it and get on with life. Feel sorry for the feeble female he is abusing now. SHE HAS A NEW FUCKING BOYFRIEND ANYWAY!

No, empathy and tolerance are not strong points of mine.

Of course it worries me that a selection of people seem to think Daffyd is the biggest, most arrogant controlling arsehole bastard on the planet. But for now he has done little to make me doubt him. The initial shite was shite, but that was hardly a real life situation, and besides, i got myself into that one. Since things have been official, as it were, he has been the model of boyfriendliness. So for now, i shall give him the benefit of the doubt.

Faster the Chase

Life has been moving along at a rather leisurely pace since university finished. I have spent my time eating, sleeping, reading non-university prescribed texts (woohoo!), watching Heroes and snuggling up to Daffyd.

Last Saturday was Korf PVP (past vs. present), where a selection of old players came up to uni for a game and whole lot of drinking. I forget who won the match now, no one takes it particularly seriously, I think it was probably the past team though... Sunday there was a mini tournament type thing organised by Castle, which suffered slightly from lack of people to make up teams, and so ended up just being a 3 hour game of korfball… which was a tad tiring! Maz came and crashed on my floor for the weekend, which was cool having not seen her for a long while. Though she does consistently make me wonder how she survives in the real world…

I certainly suffered after my sporty weekend, having not trained for a few weeks!

This weekend was the infamous Castle Tournament. Dave and I got up at 7 on Saturday morning to pack up all the camping and korfing gear, pick up a couple of other korfers from their respective houses and toddle off to the rugby club, arriving at 8. We then spent 2 hours helping to set up, building gazebos, marking out pitches, making sandwiches etc… Thus followed about 8 hours of solid korfing and trying valiantly not to fall over on the Astroturf pitches (read: glorified sand paper), with some intermittent water drinking and sun cream application. The weather was absolutely glorious, despite a pretty unspectacular couple of weeks. As pathetic as my skin is, I was burning through my t-shirt in the 8am sun, so I spent most of the day obsessively slathering on factor 30. As a consequence, I think I am actually whiter now than I was to begin with… ace. In true KUKC style, we came last, managing to be beaten even by the team which was only assembled at Christmas… which I helped to train…

The social in the evening was a good laugh, with a performance from Tom’s band and lots of general drinking and dancing-ness. We crashed out in our tents at about 1am… to be woken at about 5 by a rather impressive car boot sale set up about 100 feet from our tents. Most of us were up by 7, stood outside the tents looking bleary eyed and sunburnt; and making fun of the car boot sale goers and the drunken antics of the previous night. Dave and I packed up and were home for about 9 to go back to bed for a couple of hours. We spent the rest of the day eating, unpacking, eating, generally tarting about and eating…

Dave is in school next week on placement, so I am going to have to amuse myself for a lot of the time. We have spent pretty much the last fortnight together constantly… and in all honesty it has been lovely. At the risk of speaking to soon, things seem to be going really well. I told him I loved him on Saturday night, in our tent, because, well, I do. In my own way, which I suppose will be difficult to understand. His response? “About bloody time, I’ve properly loved you for ages!”

Oh.

I am still getting used to this different kind of relationship- trying to be less clingy and demanding and selfish and unreasonable, not being able to get away with it anymore. Dave is much less tolerant and indulgent of me. He doesn’t worship the very ground I walk on. There is no pedestal for me to sit on here! It’s a little difficult and I don’t altogether like it, but perhaps it will make me a better person in the end? I don’t know. For the most part, there are no issues, and things are just Lovely.

I am dreading the time when I have to go home and be alone. When I am most likely going to realise the enormity of the change, the loss of The Boy shaped comfort blanket, the utter dreadfulness of my recent behaviour, the immersion of myself into another ridiculous long distance relationship which may not even work out because Dave can be an arse sometimes (conveniently forgetting that this is true of all men…) and I am most probably on the rebound anyway… But for now I choose not to face up any of this.

Dave is taking me home on Friday night… which is going to be excellent to explain to my mother… Then we maybe off to Bristol for another Korfy tournament, though I haven’t decided if I really want to go yet. I am of the tendency to wallow, at the moment and tournaments mean effort, even if it is fun in the end.

Plus I have NO money, and a million things to pay for, which is a bit of a bum.

That is all.

Comfortably numb

Well, i got the job. Christ knows how, i'm certainly not the greatest interviewee ever. But whatever. I am now a trainee immunologist! 60 people applied for that job. 60! They interviewed about 20 i think. And they gave it to me. Me me meeee. Mwhahaha.

The lab itself is really big and specialised. A world away from the one in Stoke. Seems kind of quiet and serious though and the workforce is leaning towards the aged... not sure how well i will fit in, but hopefully it shouldn't be too bad. Its a step in the right direction, if nothing else.

The lab manager thinks i am still at uni (which i suppose technically i am...), so i have a month or so off to doss around now before i can start work. They have references and CRB checks to sort out though, so i don't feel too guilty about it.

I feel far too grown up.

This weekend i went down to London with The Boy and his awful, arrogant, crack snorting, binge drinking bands. The gig was good, but the company was strained so all in all not the best day. And the 14 hours travelling... not so good either. I detest travelling.

I have spent most of the weekend itching to get back to Daffyd. But now it comes to it i desperately miss The Boy.

We all know Facebastard rules the world, and The Boy's "relationship status" is now set as "single" which i guess makes things official.

I would like my old life back please.

Summer is 'ere...

Wow so I have been pretty lax with my updating again… Not that anyone much cares, I suspect!

I have had a really lovely couple of days. After spending a week at home recovering from the post exam dissertation slog, I came back to uni for Joey’s birthday outing this Friday as promised. I have to admit I wasn’t much looking forward to going, but I ended up having an ace time. I was once again shamed for my frequent episodes of Jo related bitterness by Jo’s boyfriend Dave, who thanked me drunkenly and profusely for coming out, telling me “everyday I hear something about you Rach, I’m so glad she’s got you”.

Bless.

Woke up on Saturday morning feeling massively hungover and spent most of the day tarting around doing nothing in particular. The weather has been glorious for the past week or so, so on Saturday night Dave and Alex built the barbeque in a manly fashion and me, Katie and the majority of the residents of the PGCE block spent the evening eating burgers, drinking alcohol, playing football and just generally enjoying the nice weather. Oh, and talking about being teachers…. (not me and Katie though….)

On Sunday, Dave woke me up at some ungodly hour and we prepared food to go on a picnic. We spent the day at Trentham Gardens, eating, lounging around sunbathing, people watching etc. We had a really lovely time together. Shockingly.

I now have some rather fetching sunburn. Red and white and stripey, it’s a good look.

Monday was another impromptu barbeque, this time with Roo in attendance and yesterday Dave and I spent together doing nothing in particular again….

Anyway. I have now officially finished university. I successfully managed to write my dissertation and some other awful biochemistry literature review thing in five days, so as of the first of May 2008, everything was done and handed in. Finito. Woop. What an immense feeling of relief that was. Though naturally, me being me, the exuberance wore off very quickly, once I got bored of having nothing to do.

So now I have to join the real world. Which is upsetting to say the least. I have a job interview next Friday for an immunology post at a hospital not too far from home. Immunology isn’t microbiology, but it’s always been a toss up between the two disciplines to be fair. I would really really really like this job. So fingers crossed.

In less sensible news, I have no idea who my boyfriend is, and it seems unlikely that I ever will. The Boy and I have been apart for about six seven eight weeks… I don’t even know. Daffyd and I have been “seeing” each other pretty much the whole time since then. Things were a little rough at first and seemed much more difficult than they should have been. I at one point came to the conclusion that things weren’t going to work with him and was going to finish it. But in hindsight, it was a stressful time of exams and work and breaking up with people and rumours and gossiping and… yeah. Whatever. Things started being nice again, I was too much of a chicken to end things and so… it would appear we’re “in a relationship” as Facebastard would say. The thing is, The Boy is still desperate to try things again. I’m in two minds. When things were horrible with Daffyd, the temptation to go running back was immense. I would ring him and we would chat and it’d be nice. Whilst at home last week I spent a little time with him. Things were easy and comfortable and do-able, I suppose. But it doesn’t feel the same. I am terrified by the prospect of not loving him anymore.

There is only one actual solution to this problem, and that is to have neither of them. I am never going to decide who I want and it’s not even fair that I should be allowed to. I always want the one I’m not with and as a consequence am constantly flitting backwards and forwards between them, forming no meaningful commitment to either of them. Everytime I have a nice day with one, I decide upon them… until the next time I have a nice day with the other one… I have possibly managed to build myself the “perfect relationship”. The conversation, laughter and convenience of The Boy, and the sex, excitement and alternate convenience of Daffyd. Of course, if I truly liked either of them, I wouldn’t be able to behave this way, would I?

But being single is not an attractive option. In my head it is a fabulous meld of Sex and The City and Bridget Jones- all expensive shoes and drinking too much wine. But the harsh reality is that I have no friends, no job, no money, nowhere to live and family that annoy me. So…

Am tempted to give things a try with The Boy again. Three years is a long time and its not like I will have lost anything through trying (except Daffyd… but then is he really likely to be a forever thing anyway…?). If only I could make myself feel the way I felt about him just a few months ago. But then I have lovely days with Dave, and I think “this could work, it really could”

That is all.

Day whatever

So my updating has been lax. I have been overwhelmed by other things.

I have finished my finals now which is one thing. They went with varying degrees of success. Now i have five days to write my dissertation. Which makes my brain go all wiggley if i think about it too much, so i won't.

I'm simply overwhelmed with congratualtions and support from all my so-called friends today.

I really do feel incredibly bad.

Day Three... Is it day 3? I can't even remember...

So my mind is beginning to unravel slowly. Well i say slowly. I don't know the exact time course of these things. But my head, anyway, its not well.

Yesterday afternoon, around lunchtime, i managed to convince myself fairly successfully, that the logical solution to the whole problem would just be to kill myself. Cue a long internal debate about exactly how painful it would be to slit ones wrists- though why i was thinking that i don't know- i am an immense pain wimp and so any suicidal activity would almost certainly involve taking an overdose. But that seemed less messy and dramatic and tragic and whatever... The semi-logical part of my brain argued however, that after 4 fucking years slog at this degree, i would not be wanting to throw it down the pan 4 weeks before finishing. I would have to do my exams first. But then part of the problem is the sheer volume of knowledge i am having to squash into my brain currently and once exams are over that problem will cease to be in existence thus removing some necessity of the suicidal act anyway...

Then i had a cup of tea and a sit down.

Joey came round last night and beat me senseless for not telling her about splitting up with The Boy before. And she listened to the saga in a typical non-judgemental and blunt Joey way. I was reminded of the reasons i love her so much and shamed for my previous bitterness towards her. In many ways, she is much more like me than Ruth and Katie, and i like her much better for it. We established that i need to make a decision, and stick to it. Which of course i already knew. She seems much more pro-Daffyd than others, for reasons i am not sure of.

Then my man free week disintegrated entirely when Daffyd got back from a Tom's band gig and invited himself round to "see how i was". I resisted for about 30 seconds... but i figured i was feeling better after seeing Joey, so wouldn't be doing much thinking anyway. So he came round and we chatted and snuggled up for a bit, and then he left. AND THEN... i called The Boy... because an "unknown number" had been calling me all evening and it was quite blatantly him, so i thought i'd check he hadn't topped himself or anything. He hadn't. We had a minor chat, despite both of us saying we really shouldn't be talking to each other... He cried a little but otherwise seemed fairly reasonable. I felt guilty. But i didn't miss him. I didn't feel overwhelmed with affection. In fact talking to him reminded me slightly of the way i used to feel about my now Ex-ex boyfriend (who incidentally i have been Facebook stalking recently...) when we split up and he would whine down the phone at me for about 6 months afterwards... But not entirely. I do still love him after all.

Today Ruth was back for a while and so i spent most of the afternoon with her and Katie and periodically Alex. I had a laugh and forgot about things for a while, which was nice.

I may then have spent most of the afternoon flirting with Daffyd via Facebook, which isn't entirely in keeping with the spirit of the week either. He is cooking me dinner tomorrow. Which i will feel ferociously guilty about for a number of reasons: mainly the fact that it is (was) my 3 year anniversary with The Boy. But then i am single now. But... whatever...

I'm really not doing myself any favours...

Sigh.

Home time i think.

Day Two

So...

Last night i missed The Boy. Painfully.

Today Daffyd has messaged me and i want to see him. Though i am not going to let myself.

The Boy is ignoring my messages. Which is fair enough, i deserve it i suppose. It is (would have been?) our 3 year anniversary on Thursday.

I feel so pressured.

I am going home to make myself a cup of coffee.

Male Free Week

Day One:

Mood: Confused, tearful, moany...

Nausea Status: High

Boy Contact: Some minor MSNing...

Revision: AMI and breast cancer cases written up

Revision actually absorbed into brain: None....

Vancomycin resistant enterococci, anyone?

I don't really have anything interesting to say, as usual. But i am shattered and bored of writing out essays to learn.

Yesterday was a fairly surreal day. I can't get used to this new partner business, which is in essence what it is. Daffyd and I went into town for a bit, had some lunch, bought a suit (not me...). Went out for dinner in the evening with Alex and a couple of PGCE girls who i've never met before. They were pretty awful... but it was a laugh nonetheless. Chatted to Alex mostly. He's so funny, i love him to pieces. You can't take him anywhere though. I'm pretty sure the waitress spat in our dinner...

Spent the rest of the day dossing around. Had what i suppose can only be described as a "tiff" with Daffyd. Not even worthy of being called an argument. Just a level of cross-ness. He keeps telling me its normal, i am used to one way of doing things and he is used to another, hence when our ways clash, we need time to adjust to it. Which makes sense i suppose. I just feel a little too fragile to be dealing with having him annoyed with me as well right now. So i went home.

First instinct upon going home and crying hysterically was to ring The Boy and demand affection and attention and sympathy etc. But i restrained myself. It wouldn't be fair on him. It would be pathetic. And getting into the habit of running back to him everytime something goes wrong in a new situation is just not a recipe for success. I rang Daffyd in the end and he came back round. I had a big long cry and a chat, got a few things off my chest and i feel a little better now. Didn't get to sleep until about 4.30am, hence the tiredness.

But I think i still miss the Boy. I don't know.

Daffyd is off playing korfball today. I probably should have gone to watch but i couldn't be arsed. Whoever wins today has won the league, so am pretty sure i will be hearing all about it later.

That's all for now.

An update

So i haven't updated in a while. A partial combination of business and just general apathy. Now however, i have finals to revise for and so conveniently my desire to blog has been reignited.

Thursday 20th of March was my last ever day of lectures. Which i'm sure i would feel sad about, if i were to think hard enough about it. Now i am currently embroiled in revising for my finals which are in two and half weeks time (and of course my usual petty emotional drama, which i will come to in a minute) and feeling guilty about not having started my dissertation. Thankfully i have a week after exams in which to write it. Its fair to say however, that i'm more than a little stressed.

For continuity's sake i will carry on the story of my relationship disturbance from where i left off last time. Though a fair few things have happened since then.

I told Ruth about my affair with Daffyd. She was unexpectedly fine about it (though is most likely just well concealing her disgust with me, she has very high moral standards). She came to the same conclusion as Katie. That Dave was a bastard, i had been used and manipulated and that i needed to tell The Boy. I still had my misgivings. Mostly due to the fact that Dave was never going to tell Ele, and so i stood to lose everything and him nothing. Which is malicious and pathetic, but well, that's just me. Despite these misgivings, i decided that i would tell The Boy. It was the right thing to do after all.

The day i was due to leave for home, Daffyd told me he wanted to see me before i left. Having managed to successfully ignore him for more than a week, this was unexpected. But i went to see him. And he told me that he had left Ele. Having spent the past week trying to push him out of my head, this news was received with slight confusion. I told him i was planning to tell The Boy about the cheating whilst at home. He asked me where that would leave "us", and i told him i didn't know. Which was the truth.

Silly as it sounds, i was a little annoyed at him for upping and leaving Ele out of the blue. I had spent the week agonising about telling The Boy, and had come to the conclusion of doing it with no reference to Daffyd. Now it was going to look as though i had done it just for him. Which i can assure you all now was not the plan at all.

So i went home with good intentions. The foil in my plan however was that i actually enjoyed spending time with The Boy. He was lovely. We went out, we chatted and laughed and snuggled and even had sex. Things were perfect, just like they always had been. I adored him. And there was no way i could tell this man that i had betrayed him. Because it would destroy him. And i didn't want that. I wanted to be with him. And i knew that i could manage perfectly well to never tell him, if i had to. Becuase i am deceitful like that. So while spending the week in pretence of "i'll tell him tomorrow... i'll tell him tomorrow...". i knew in the back of my mind, that i wasn't going to. And that was fine by me. Dave was in my head a little. But it was nothing serious. I knew i could get rid of it in time.

The day before coming back to university, Dave asked me if i had told The Boy yet. I was forced to admit that i had spent the whole week chickening out. It was then that he told me outright, that he had left Ele for me, in the hope that he wouldn't be the only one single come the end of the week. I had suspected this. But not assumed. He didn't love her after all. Regardless of me. But no, he told me he had changed his mind again, and in order to prove the permanence of his decision to me, he had left her. Rather inconvenient timing, given my recent decision to make things work with The Boy. So now i felt guilty. But nevertheless, resolved to sort things out once i got back to uni. I could explain to Daffyd. It would be fine.

Except i get back to university and Daffyd is there and wants to take me out for dinner and spend evenings with me and cuddle me and kiss me and apparently i want to let him... So despite the shittiness of it all, i come to the conclusion that i am in fact incapable of controlling myself which isn't fair on The Boy and so i phone to tell him i am leaving him.

He doesn't take it well. But as others have said to me, deep down, he already knew. He doesn't want to leave me. He wants to stay together and work things out. And while i want that too, i know i am stuck at university with Dave for another 3 weeks, and i know i won't be able to stay away from him in that time. So i have to force the point. I am leaving you. Which is difficult, when it isn't really what i want.

So now i am single. Except i'm not really. Daffyd is sweetly happy that i have left The Boy. He wants to see me all the time. He holds me and kisses me and takes me out and we sleep together. And he tells me how beautiful i am and how he is happier than he has been for a long time. And how he can't wait for the day when we can be together properly. We are taking it slowly, casually for now. Apparently.

The Boy knows nothing of this. He is desperate for me to come home so we can sort things out. And perhaps i would, if it weren't for my finals. I will never work for them at home and so i am forcing myself to stay here. And the way things are going with Daffyd now, i clearly don't want to sort things out that much.

I don't know who or what i want now or where to turn for the answer. No matter what i chose, someone is now going to get very hurt, because of me. I am so overwhelmed by guilt.

I am starting to miss The Boy a little. I don't know if its genuine or if its loss of the comfort blanket effect. The same as i dont know if the surge of affection i felt for him during that week home was just a clinging mechanism, in the face of losing him imminently. If i loved him so much, i'm sure i wouldn't be fucking Dave quite so frequently.

The Boy managed to track down Ele, like i knew he would. They have been chatting to each other a lot, swapping tales of mal-intent and most likely just making each other feel worse. The general conscensus of their chats is that Dave is a manipulative bastard. The Boy is determined to believe/ prove to me that Dave has powers of mind control and has been out ot snare me from the very beginning. I of course, have been to weak minded and feeble to resist.

Dave is just there. He wants me, and is prepared to wait for a time when he can fully have me. And if the emotion he expresses towards me is just manipulation and using, i would be very surprised, despite what everyone wants me to think.
I have no idea how i would tell him that i had changed my mind and was going back to the Boy. And part of me doesn't want to. Another part of me thinks that any emotional trauma he suffered might serve him right, after the was he initially treated me.

I am inclined to think that by leaving The Boy and sleeping with D, i have already made the decision. I shouldn't be allowed to turn around on it, even though the opportunity has been provided to me. If and when it turns out to be the wrong one, it will serve me right.

I think i am going to spend the week on my own next week. No males of any variety. Perhaps that will make the decision for me.

I might get round to revising for my finals sometime soon.

She moves in her own way...

So i told Katie. And i feel a little better for it. Her general conscensus was that Daffyd is a giant arsehole who has been using me, which seems to be the general opinion of everyone. Which is partially true. Call me naive, but not entirely.

The thing about telling Katie is that i now need to tell Roo. I don't want to tell Roo, because she will be disappointed and cross and she will think less of me, although she couldn't really think any less of me than i currently think of myself. I also think she will expect me to tell The Boy, and so i really need to decide what i am going to do about him before i tell her.

Katie thinks i should tell The Boy. She also thinks Ele should be told. I am of the opinion that what people don't know won't hurt them. If i can go home for the Easter vacation and convince myself i love The Boy again then i don't particularly want him to know. The decision of whether to be with him or not would be made up for me if i told him. And i am selfish and weak and as unlikely as it seems, i really do love The Boy and so i don't want that to happen. Also, if i break up with him, then Daffyd has won. Because i will have nothing. And he will be carrying on with his little life as normal, with no repercussions or upset. And he isn't worth destroying my entire life over. I also don't think that Ele needs to know. After everything she has been through, i can't see it doing her any good. The only part of me that wants her to know, wants it for entirely vindictive reasons. It would teach Dave a fucking lesson. He would be resolved of all control of the situation then. However, i strongly suspect that Ele would forgive him anyway. Katie seems to think she probably already knows.

I also want to tell Alex. More for a male perspective than anything. Alex is Dave's best friend and knows him better than anyone. I suspect he would be able to shed an awful lot of light on things which Dave refuses to acknowledge. Alex is a lot more perceptive than one would give him credit for. He has cross questioned Dave and Katie on several occasions about what is going on between us. Before anything even was going on... But for Alex to know, Roo would have to know, and then Dave would know that they all know... Which would serve him right to well and truely have lost control of the situation. But also not go very far in salvaging our friendship. Alex would give him a good bollocking. And Dave would assume i had only told them all to be malicious. Which is not entirely the truth....

I am feeling better than yesterday. Two days without contacting him and i am not missing him especially. Yesterday he spent with Ele, and my face was rubbed in it almost constantly with his silly Facebook status updates and the like...

He wants the friendship to go back to normal, but i am not convinced that it will be able to. I told him i needed a couple of days away, which i have had now, but am still not ready for seeing him really. I think i can just about cope with this situation as long as i am not seeing him. Being with him will only stir up a lot of feelings which i am currently working hard to suppress.

Three major things make me not want to restore the friendship: The fact that he quite clearly isn't even a little bit upset about the events of this weekend. The fact that he spent yesterday with Ele, rubbing my nose in it. And the fact that if he really wanted to leave Ele, he could do it now, and it would mostly have blown over by September- when she comes to university.

So answer that, you fucker.

To The End

No i'm not dead. But my laptop is. There are errors on the hard disc, which is about as wrong as it could go really. After a couple of days of crashing and struggling it finally gave up the ghost on Monday morning, when it refused to even boot up anymore. Thankfully all my work was backed up, otherwise the crying and hysteria which ensued could have been far far worse. RIP little laptop, you are well missed.

Its quite ridiculous how much i rely on the computery thing. I literally cannot do anything without it. No work, no internet, no music, no films... nothing. I have had to become excessively reliant on the library and friends to keep me worked and entertained, which is rubbish to say the least.

Anyway. On to the main point of the day. The Daffyd thing, it would appear, is actually, finally over. No messing about this time. Because i am weak and silly, and prone to taking even the most minor of slights the wrong way, i allowed myself to get back into it, after the argument. Which apparently wasn't really an argument, just him being in a bad mood, inadvertantly taking it out on me, and me being oversensitive about it. We have spent the night together since then, last Thursday. Not to have sex, just to sleep. But the general consensus was that it was still a romantic thing. He went off to London for the weekend for his birthday. When he came back, we seemed to be back into the is it on/ is it off situation, where i agonise over the whole thing for days on end, and he wants to spend time with me, cook dinner together, go out etc but makes no moves to imply we are more than just friends. On Monday i rang him in tears because my laptop had died, and i was panicking and upset. He came over, attempted to fix it, failed, spent a bit of time at mine, claiming he couldn't go home because "it was raining" even though i think we can assume he just didn't want to go. Then he took me to his so i could use his computer to do some work, bought me pizza for tea and then we watched a film with Roo. On Tuesday, i went to the pub with Joey. At the end of the evening i get a text on my phone from him, asking if i fancy a trip to Tesco with him... This text he had sent about two hours previously, but i had only just received because my network reception is terrible in Keele. So i replied to say sorry for not texting earlier and missing the Tesco trip. He replies to say he hasn't been yet, as he has been sitting waiting for me to reply. Which seems a little strange. After all, if he wanted to go to Tesco, surely he just would have gone. Excuses? So i went to Tesco with him, and bought food to cook with him, in return for the pizza. We spend a little time together afterwards, but nothing happens. Thursday he wants me to cook for him, but i have work to do, and Korf training, and he apparently is incapable of waiting an hour to eat, so we don't have dinner together. After Korf, i realise in blind panic that i have forgotten to submit my projects electronically (which you have to, so they can be run through the plaigarism software), which potentially means i have missed the deadline and will have my marks capped. So i have to go to Roo's to use her internet to do this. Except her stupid wireless mouse and keyboard for some reason refuse to work when any USB port is in use so i can't actually get my projects from the memory stick onto the computer. So i have to go downstairs and beg the use of Daffyd's computer and internet again. I go in and do it, and come straight out again. Whilst i am there, he tells me that Ele has got a place at Keele to do her PGCE. I ask him if that is a good thing or a bad thing, and he says he doesn't know yet. Which one can only assume is not a good thing, because otherwise he wouldn't even have to think about it... But i don't get into a discussion about it. I leave. Which i am proud of myself for doing. On Friday afternoon, for the first time in a while, he pops up on MSN and speaks to me spontaneously, without me speaking to him first. I in the process of being cold and bored and pretending to work in the library, and so he invites me round for tea, cos he has "loads of food and will never be able to eat it all" Which wasn't entirely the truth... but hey, free tea. More excuses? For some reason, on Friday, i was feeling distinctly underwhelmed by him. I don't know why. I just didn't feel particularly attracted to him or feel like i wanted to be that close to him. Maybe he picked up on this, i don't know. But he quite clearly wanted something romantic today. He was slowly edging closer to making a move, engineering it carefully. We ate tea, and then watched a DVD. Half way through we ended up snuggling up. Then he kissed me. No asking, or tentativeness. Just full on his face in my face. Which i don't stop him from doing. Naturally. Because really i want it. Although it implies we are back in the realms of are we/ aren't we. I have to leave shortly after, as the Korf Student Nationals were on the Saturday, which involved setting off from Keele at 7am... "Are you actually going to leave?" Is what he said. I don't know what would have happened had i not have left. Saturday i am in Manchester all day, playing at Nationals. I have arranged to have tea with him in the evening when i get back, to finally eat the food i bought for him. He is supposed to be cooking it for me as i have spent 8 solid hours playing korfball, but he is being a bit of an arse when i get there, showing off in front of his flatmates. So i end up cooking most of it. We eat together, and he becomes less of an arse. He is quite sweet and tender and when i am quiet asks me if i am ok and if i am tired. Later in the evening we got to a pub in Nantwich to see a band play who Dave and Alex went to uni with. He had asked me if i wanted to go a couple of days earlier, and i had told him i would go if i wasn't too tired. I purposely don't mention it when i am there with him, leaving him the opportunity to not take me, but he tells Alex and Katie i am going with them, so it appears as though i am going... The gig was cool, the band were actually really good. I spend most of it being impossibly attracted to him. When we leave, Dave drives us all back to his and Alex's, without even asking if i want taking home. So i assume he wants me at his. Katie goes home and Alex goes to bed and Dave says "so what are we going to do for the rest of the evening?" We spend a couple of hours farting about, not doing anything in particular and then its midnight, and he says we need to decide something to do, or just go to sleep. So i ask him what kind of night it is. Because in the realms of Daffyd and I, there are sensible nights, and there are not sensible nights. Its difficult to work out which night is which most of the time. He tells me its a "my girlfriend is coming early in the morning, and Alex knows you are here and hasn't left yet- night" Which is fair enough. But one wonders why we spent so much time together if it was that kind of night. Then he tells me again about Ele, and her newly acquired PGCE place and how they will have to live together next year, even though he doesn't really want her to come and doesn't want to live with her and is dreading next year it means we have to be sensible from now on because leaving her now would make things difficult next year. I tell him that i can't cope with the constant chopping and changing anymore and that i am not having cake and eating it anymore, these are real big feelings i have now and i'm not going to let him do this to me again, because it hurts to much. He might be being sensible now, but how long until he changes his mind again? So he says that this is the final decision. Sensible is the final decision. He is never going to leave Ele, and wants to have time to get over this before he has to move in with her next year. He "doesn't want to hurt anybody" and he thinks i will be less hurt than Ele by being left. So i am being left. Which is fine. It was only ever going to end this way. The minute he told me Ele was applying for Keele, i knew she would get in and i knew he would become more trapped and i knew i would be the one who lost. The thing that makes it hurt the most is that i know he wants what i want, he is just too ridiculous and stubborn and stupid to have it. But he refuses to have any of it. I "couldn't possibly understand" their relationship. No matter that they are both living a sham, it is "making her happy". Curing all her problems. Of course it is. Of course she would be thrilled to learn that her boyfriend has been fucking me for the past two months, and that he doesn't really love her and has in fact just been wasting her life when she could have been out finding someone who really loves her. He told me that last week, he was all geared up to leave her for me, because he thought it was the right thing to do. But then, they went to London together, and it wasn't as bad as he thought, so he didn't... I'm pretty sure that sounded a lot better in his head...

So it is over. Which i might find a little easier to accept if i didn't know that he wants me exactly as much as i want him. He still wants to be friends, to the extent that we always have been. I'm not sure how that will work, since when i'm with him, all i want to do is touch him and kiss him and he tells me he wants the same. But neither of us want to go through some ridiculous charade of ignoring each other for the rest of the year. I am taking a few days away from him anyway. Until i decide.

I am fairly certain i could go home now, and persuade myself to be in love with The Boy again. I don't particularly want to get over Daffyd, and i certainly don't want him to get over me. But the alternative is Nothing. Its never going to happen. He is ditching me, to have a nice cosy life with Ele. There is always a constant in his nice worked out little life, and that is her. I, on the other hand, feel like i have had my life smashed up into tiny little pieces. I am not sure on what basis i can make things work with The Boy anymore. I should probably leave him, just on moral grounds, but apparently i am not big on morality and so will probably stay with him as a comfort blanket. But i'm not sure how long i can do that for. And then i have nothing. I don't have Boy or Daffyd. And he carries on his perfect little life as though nothing ever happened. Even now, as i write this, he is out having Sunday lunch with her, pretending things are nice and normal. While i am alone and hurt.

Part of me wants Ele to find out. If i left The Boy and told him i had been cheating on him, i'm pretty sure she would find out. He can be very vengeful. But part of me wants to tell her. Not personally, but i want her to know. Which is horrible and selfish because she has been raped and self harms and god knows what else and she doesn't deserve to be hurt anymore. But she has a right to know, yes? And i wouldn't be doing it for her, for nobility, i would be doing it for selfish and vindictive reasons. And that wouldn't get me what i want anyway. Daffyd would know what i had done and then he would hate me.

I am so upset, and he doesn't really seem to understand why. Which is frustrating.

I can think of lots of reasons why it is a very good thing that this is over. But right now i can't see past the feelings.

I am tempted to tell Katie about what has been going on. I suspect she would lose a lot of respect for me, lord knows i have lost all respect for myself. But i would have someone to talk and cry to. She could tell me what a cunt he is and how i am too good for him. And things would feel better. I would feel less like cutting myself up. But then i would have to tell Roo. Part of me wants to tell her too. But i don't know. Then they would hate him. Which would be difficult.

In other news. KUKC did not come last at the student Nationals. We came 13th out of 16. We didn't even spend the whole day getting mullered like we did at regionals. Though we lost most of our games and drew two and won one, we only lost by one goal each time. There was no screaming and retribution, possibly due to the calming influence of Jon, our coach who came this time. All in all, it was a fairly pleasant day. And the last time Keele 1 will officially play together as a team. Which is quite sad really. The more i think about these things, the less i want to leave university.

My sister has been dumped by her boyfriend. The last time my sister was dumped by her boyfriend, she slashed her wrists... Don't really know what to do about that one.

All in all i think a negative outcome for the week.

The Definition of Happiness Part 2

Save the last one...

I put my ballet shoes on this afternoon. (Yes this is the extent to which i will go to avoid writing my dissertation). I don't think i've had them on since i was about 19, and those bastards hurt after all this time.

I miss being able to dance. The expression, the skill, the cameraderie, the excitement, the awe of others. Even the sewing, the hairspray, the cramp, the lost Saturdays and the panic.

I hate being grown up. Its so restrictive.

Untouchable...

Woop i'm famous!

I don't play for that team, and that certainly wasn't my first match but whatever.

Guess which is me and which is Daffyd. Should kill ten minutes. I won't give you a prize though.

I am so unbelievably bored.

Bugger...

The laptop shit itself in spectacular style last night. Taking with it my very recently completed experimental project, plus a number of other semi-important documents... It Blue-Screen-of-Death-ed me, restarted itself about twelve times and just generally refused to do anything useful beyond the start up screen.

Thankfully after leaving it overnight to cool down and have a little rest, it seems to be ok today. It is making some decidedly strange noises however, i think perhaps the fan is fucked. Fingers crossed it will hold out until April... I shall have to be nice to it for a while.

Note to self: I will back up my immensely important university work in the future!

The Definition of Happiness Part 1:

So You Know

I don't know who i thought i was kidding when i thought i could get out of all this unscathed. How i thought i was going to be able to cope, emotionally speaking, given my mental fragility... shall we say. How i ever thought it was going to work. I am selfish, and naive, clearly.

And now it has all blown up in my face and i feel like i'm in pieces. It hurts so much, and its nobody's fault but my own.

I can't do the things i have done and not get attached. I haven't got it in me to be the "other woman". Second best, whatever. I want affection, attention, i want more than i feel like i can demand from you, more than i think you are willing to give.

It kills me that you are so distant now. But it stands to reason, now you have had what you want. You were never interested in me, or what i do or who i am. Apparently its been plain for everyone else to see, just not me.

I want to be distant and aloof. But i can't do it. I suspect the knowledge of this only fuels your desire to hold me at arms length. Despite it all, the only person i want to be comforted by is you.

I know i deserve everything i get.

Right now, i can only think of one way to make this stop. But you're not worth it. You'd think it was all about you. And your sense of self importance is big enough already.

Stuff and Fings...

I am so unbelievably tired. Today, i've had to like, do stuff. Shocking.

I had lectures 9 til 1, and then in the afternoon my IBMS/ HPC registration portfolio was assessed... which took fucking ages. Four hours we had to sit in the undergrad room, pretending to do tutorial work and generally faffing around, while the examiners went through the portfolios sentence by sodding sentence apparently... Though i passed, in the end. So now i can be let loose in the NHS, whoop!

I am still agonising over the Daffyd situation. After our argument on Sunday in which he was incredibly rude and vicious towards me for no apparent reason, i decided i wasn't going to speak to him until he apologised. Despite my inherent obsessiveness, i managed to stand my ground. On Monday, he found a couple of really ridiculous reasons to text me. One nil to me i think. He was his usual infuriating self, acting as though nothing had happened, chattering away. I asked him if he was going to apologise, and he said no, basically. I had another rather nasty discussion, in which he proved what a nasty, manipulative, controlling and self righteous arsehole he is. He refuses to accept any responsibility for upsetting me, and doggedly insisted that the whole thing was my fault and just generally spent an hour implying how stupid and pathetic i was. I was so incredibly frustrated and upset with him, i couldn't even bear to argue with him any longer.

Today i went to Crewe to play a match and generally help coach with the korf beginners from the new C&N club that Roo has set up with a couple of people from Castle. I knew he was going to be there, but at the end of the day, Roo asked me to go, and i'm not going to hide away because of him. I was apprehensive. But he was just acting as though nothing had happened. Simultaneously good, as i didn't have the energy for another argument with him, and annoying, as he knows how much he has upset me this week, and doesn't even have the decency to make reference to it. He didn't invite me to his after, and i haven't made reference to it. I am disappointed, but i know i shouldn't be. It infuriates me that he isn't trying to be with me. I would take great pleasure in being able to cut him down. I sincerely hope he hasn't decided he is being sensible again, and thinks he is holding me at arms length until i get the message. If its over, its over because i say it is, because he is an arsehole, and i want him to know that. I know it shouldn't matter but it does. He thinks i am some needy clingy little bint who will keep running back to him, who he can just charm into bed when he feels like it, and who he can ignore when he pleases. Well i won't be. And he is going to know it.

(Now i just need to convince myself).

(I still miss him and want him. Clearly moreso now i think i can't have him)

God, i am such a fuckwit.

Sleep time i think.

Ten and a bit reasons why it is probably a good thing that Daffyd and I will no longer be sharing bodily fluids:

And why we definitely will not be tempted to text/ MSN/ ring him tomorrow to unleash a tirade of abuse/ psychosis/ hysterical crying. To be read repeatedly in case of Dave pining emergency.

#1. He is a moody, controlling, manipulative, attention seeking arse, who has quite clearly singled me out as an easy target for his games in mind-fuck.

#2. He makes me feel very small and very stupid. And i am not small. And i am definitely not stupid.

#3. Him and his situation bring out the very worst in me. He makes me paranoid and anxious and whiney and clingy and i lose all ability to articulate myself when arguing with him and just become generally insane. Lets face it, i need that like a hole in the head. I am more than capable of being insane without outside help...

#4. He is apparently, the most indecisive man in the world. One minute he wants me, the next minute he feels guilty and he doesn't. Not that it would cross his mind to actually communicate this to me. No, he would rather hold me at arms length for a week or so and expect me work it out for myself.

#5. He is too spineless and pathetic to leave a relationship he doesn't want to be in, despite claiming to be in love with me.

#6. He has a major league martyr complex.

#7. He seems to think its acceptable to take it out on me, everytime he is suffering from his man period, by talking to me as though i am the piece of metaphorical shit on his shoe.

#8. I will no longer have to risk losing the love and respect of the three people i love most in the world, when they inevitably found out what had been going on.

#9. He is, in fact, quite ugly really.

#10. His penis isn't even half as big as he thinks it is.

#11. I want to be in control of this situation. And i never will be unless i take charge of it now. Even if he comes to me tomorrow, acting as though nothing ever happened, which he most likely will do, i am just allowing myself to be used yet again.

#12. Even though i am a little bit scared that i have fucked things up for good, and he won't come crawling back tomorrow, i know that it is probably for the best. The longer this goes on, the more attached to him i become, and for the reasons outlined above, we quite clearly will never be in a relationship together. In two months, i will almost certainly never see him again. And to be in love with him at that point would be soul destroying.

#13. I miss My Boy. He worships the ground i walk on. He thinks i am beautiful and funny and clever and he tells me so. He wants to make me happy, not mess with my head. I miss the laughter we used to have. I am going to make an effort and i am going to get that back.

#14. This is just about the worst possible time to be distracted from university work by ridiculous emotional turmoil. And he damn well knows it. I'll be damned if i'm going to let him fuck up my degree along with everything else.

#15. I haven't cried over a man since i was about 12... until today...

#16. I can start to pull myself out of this quagmire of guilt and start to rebuild my self respect...

#17. He is probably just using me for sex anyway, and i am too stubborn and stupid to see it.

#18. Now i can go back to only having to shave my legs on weekends...

#19. This evening, for the first time in over two years, i seriously contemplated taking the rest of the paracetemol in the packet. And i blame him entirely for that.


************************************************************



Now i just need to exercise some self control... Help please.

Post Scriptum:

Oh fuck, its March.

One track minds...

Yesterday in the middle of a perfectly normal conversation, Roo suddenly demanded to know, rather heatedly, "why do your boobs look so enormous in that top!?" I was forced to reply that i didn't really know.

Later on, Daffyd told me he was in love with my breasts. (Not me now... Just my breasts...)

For the record, my breasts are pretty average. I'm not quite sure why the whole world has developed such an obsession with them this past week... But hey. One day i will be old and saggy. And these conversations will be a comfort to me, i'm sure.

Keele One lost yet another match last night, and so we can now no longer come top of the league. But we came top last year so, its not so bad...

Second team nationals are in a fortnight, and if first team nationals were anything to go by, i am not looking forward to that day...

I stayed at Daffyd's last night, which was a tad risky and i probably won't be doing again. That's one good thing about living in my flat. Noone really cares if i'm alive or dead, and so aren't particularly interested in who is sleeping in my bed either!

I have started my project analysis and discussion today! I probably should feel slightly less stressed now, but i am starting to become aware of the ever expanding pile of other work i have to do in the next fortnight and so it is a hollow victory. I just can't seem to motivate myself to do any work at the moment. I seem to get to this point every year, where i just can't work, and the work that i am doing feels like its utter shite. Third year, second semester is a rather unfortunate time to choke though. Sigh.

Plus usual residual guilt.

Oh, hai!

This afternoon as i walked up the path to Roo's flat, for tea and sympathy, who should come trotting round the corner but Daffyd, hand in hand with Ele.

A tad awkward since less than 6 hours earlier, i had just climbed out of bed with her boyfriend...

She is exactly like i imagined her, all blonde and bouncing and childlike.

Despite my initial "oh FUCK", i said hello to Daffyd, to ease the tension. He proceeded to ignore me, which made me more than a little cross.

Oh god, i am the other woman.

Earthquakes!

Are well cool innit. Bless Sleazy and Fishfinger boy. They were full of it last night, the big geology geeks.

I am struggling to do any work, so am skiving as usual. My non-experimental project is about 1500 words over the limit, and i don't have the will to start reading it and cutting things out of it. Don't really know what to do about that. Still no results for the experimental project. Deadline is in two weeks and noone is taking me seriously. I am going to cry, very soon. The Case studies and Biochem of disease assessments are up on the server, so i could do those, but lets face it, i'm not going to. Motivation = come back please.

Dave told me he loved me last night. I don't think i believe him. I think he has feelings for me beyond that of friendship, and doesn't have another more suitable word to describe the in between situation. He is a bit of a closed book when it comes to emotion. He likes to retain his cool and collected exterior, overviewing the situation and making me do the running in the emotional stakes. Some kind of superiority complex perhaps. Which makes me feel rather vulnerable. Last night was a bit of a breakthrough. He told me that when we're not together he is always thinking about me and thinking of situations to get us to be together, and that when he is with me he is happy and wants nothing else. He says i "get him". And noone "gets" him. I asked him if he loved El. His response was to screw up his face and contemplate deeply for a few minutes. Which i took to be a no. But, he is still with the martyr complex. Two more years he says, until she is "normal". He is ridiculous, utterly ridiculous. But there is just no reasoning with him. He is in for a very miserable life, i fear.

In answer to the inevitable question... i have no idea how i feel about him. I certainly don't love him... i have only known him since September after all. But i do feel something for him. Something inappropriate given my supposed relationship status. I also want to have sex with him. A lot. This is the thing that worries me perhaps the most. For at least two years, the thought of sex with The Boy has just made me feel tired. It has been a chore to get through. I do it because i love him, and even though i get little pleasure out of it, its still a physical closeness that is nice to have. But the extent of my unarousal has led me to think on more than one occasion that there is actually something physically wrong with me. And now here Dave is. Last night i wanted to fuck him so badly, it was almost physically painful. We had that adolescent sort of night with lots of kissing and yearning. It was like being 15 again. Which kind of implies that the sex thing is not another addition on my list of crazies, as previously suspected, but an issue with The Boy, or our relationship, or both. Which is not reassuring. But then, its not like it was a big issue before. It upset me on a personal level. But it wasn't upsetting the relationship. I wasn't thinking that i couldn't spend the rest of my life with him because of it.

I'm prepared to accept that maybe the attraction to Dave is more about the drama and the new excitingness of it all. He is new, he is exciting. And i do love the thought of it all going on behind people's backs. Keeping up the normal friendly banter with him in front of our friends, the Korfers etc. Listening to him making jokes about Gill his "fuck buddy". Watching Fake Cough's tragic attempts to flirt with him. And them not having a clue. They think they know something, but really they know nothing. Sitting there oblivious as he holds my hand under the table in the pub, laughing at his "jokes" about fucking me while he whispers the truth in my ear. Its my hair he strokes, my waist his arm is around, my room he sneaks off to when everyone goes home. And yes i should feel cheap and nasty and sad. But when i'm with him i don't. I feel exciting, and excited.

I suppose the proof of the pudding is that when he asks me if i would leave The Boy for him, i overwhelmingly feel panic. I don't know if i do want to leave him, even though i probably should. And i don't know if my feelings for Dave are valid enough, if they are solid for him. The last thing i want is to be screwing over two people in one fell swoop.

I wish i was a better person.

Early morning shenanigans:

At 5.57am, i attended what is most likely to be my last Keele University fire drill. More annoying than the usual 4am ventures as by the time you get back in you don't actually have much time to fall back to sleep before having to get up again for morning lectures. So am shattered today.

The drill wasn't too bad this time, fairly speedy and the security men and resident tutors seemed marginally less ecstatic at our sleepy misery than usual. Also they just took our room numbers as we came out, rather than doing it register stylee when everyone finally arrives out. Which last time led to the following conversation:

Security Man: 48?

Fishfinger Boy: Yep!

Me: Phil, I live in 48.

FB: Do you?

Me: Yes Phil, all year...

FB: Well where do i live then!?

Me: 49...

Cue me being cross questioned by resident tutors about my fraudulent inhabitation of someone else's room...

As annoying as the drills are, there is a certain amount of camaraderie about them, which you don't often get here. Huddling around in hoodies and pajama bottoms (or whichever piece of inappropriate attire one chooses to don... c'mon guys, you know its not a real fire, you have the time, there's really no need to turn up outside in a pencil case and a flip flop...), chatting to people you would never usually speak to, laughing even though its 6am, pissing it down with rain and you're wearing a Space Invaders dressing gown...

And then its back to bed. To spend the next two hours thinking you have tinnitus, when in actual fact its just the alarm going off in the next block, and then the next block and then the next block.... zzzzzz....

Today i am going to do something productive. I don't seem to have done anything useful for days... I still haven't had my project results validated which means i can't actually analyse them and so my project is at a stand still. I am becoming progressively more annoyed by this, but may be able to get an extension out of it, if the worst comes to the worst. I may start my dissertation.

Tonight i am going to Manchester to see Tom's band play a gig at the Academy, which is quite prestigious so should be good. Gill and Becca are going, more's the pity (miaow!) but Dave is going and Maz will be there so should be good.

I have a feeling Dave is going to have done his usual weekly 180 degree turn today. In which case i will have to unleash my psychosis on him, and it will not be pretty. But i am not going to let him do it to me again, so at least if that does happen, it will mean an end to this crazy situation.

I am on my period, and it hurts. A lot.

That is all.

Great Scot, Marty!

I've had this bastard in my head for about 3 days now... for no apparent reason:



And now its in your head. Ha.

Life Since Pop

Yesterday i went round to Roo and Dave's flat for a bit of social activity.

The front door was locked and neither of them were answering their phones so i went to knock on Alex's window to see if he would let me in.

He opened the window, looked me up and down for a couple of seconds and then said "mate, seriously, you have the best tits." Before promptly shutting the window and fucking off.

I never did get in...

On course for disaster...

There are so many things in my head that i need to write, but i'm finding it hard to find out what they are and put them into some kind of sensible order.

I have had a horrible and confusing week and it is all completely self inflicted.

Last weekend The Boy came down to stay. He is a lot more perceptive than we give him credit for, and seems to realise that there is something not quite right. Though to be fair, my distantness and continual irritation at him probably gives it away a little. The thing about The Boy is, when he senses something is amiss, something he thinks (rightly or wrongly) is jeopardising our relationship, his natural instinct is to cling. I swear there are limpits with less adhesive ability. And he whines. God, how i hate whining. Coupled with the fact that i live in a very small space, and that he hadn't had the foresight to actually bring anything with him to do for the entire week... Well i was horrible to him. An actual bitch.

On Sunday, Daffyd for some reason saw fit to tell Roo about the whole sorry "situation" that has been occurring between us, despite the fact that i expressly told him to Not Under Any Circumstances Tell Ruth, on more than one occasion. I had neither the physical opportunity or emotional capacity to be explaining things to Roo, bollocking Dave and keeping things normal and concealed from The Boy, and as such, spent most of the weekend on the verge of a panic attack.

I was livid with Daffyd. Not only did he choose to break my trust, but specifically at a time when he knows full well that The Boy was here, and i couldn't do anything about it. It seemed to me that he was either a) not as bothered about Boy finding out and leaving me as he claimed, b) deliberately trying to stir up trouble between me and Roo, c) feeling guilty whilst visiting El, and creating some kind of backlash towards me to end things once and for all d) jealous that i was with Boy and he wasn't centre of attention or e) wanting El to find out but not wanting to tell her himself. Though he claimed that he "wasn't doing it to get at me"

I managed to get away and talk things through with Roo, who was understanding and lovely, despite her excessively high moral standards, and i felt incredibly guilty for not just telling her in the first place. She is clearly hurt by the fact that i didn't. We decide that Daffyd is an arse, and clearly the sensible solution to the whole issue is just to ignore him. This is a recurring theme, so pay attention.

Meanwhile i am being progressively more vile to The Boy and eventually have to send him to Karl's two days early, for fear of actually murdering him.

Being the argumentative bint that i am, after Boy left i demanded to see Daffyd for an explanation. He tells me that his weekend with El was horrible and they had an argument, which he was telling Roo about which somehow culminated in him telling her he had feelings for me, because he needed to "vent". He says there was no malicious intent whatsoever. And while everyone has been telling me he is manipulative and controlling and trying to screw me over, i don't want to believe that because it means i am an exceptionally bad judge of character and that he has been out to hurt me all along. So i don't believe it. While i am still incredibly cross with him, i find it difficult to maintain when he sits there so placidly telling me quite simply that i've got it all wrong.

The day after Daffyd cooks me dinner before Korf training. Tired and full of food i fall asleep on his bed. I wake up to find him staring at me.

Later on in the evening i receive text messages from Katie, demanding to know why i am having dinner with Dave when i am meant to staying away from him. (Fucking Alex, the grass). I have to bite my tongue when replying to prevent unleashing a "fuck-off-since-when-do-i-have-to-answer-to-you-i-am-perfectly-capable-of-making-my-own-decisions" type tirade. At this point i realise the increasing potential of this situation to leave me well and truly with nothing. I am lying to my friends and deliberately going against their advice, when they only want me to do the sensible thing and not make a complete fuck up of my entire life.

Dave is upset that Roo and Katie are now not speaking to him because they think he is screwing me over and trying to stir up trouble between us all. He seems to think he is going to be taking it out on me. I feel guilty only momentarily. He did, after all bring it on himself. I did warn him not to tell Ruth. After the Katie texts, he decides the only way to deal with the situation is for us to ignore each other. Or as he says, i am going to end up having to choose between him and Ruth and Katie. Again, this seems like the sensible thing to do. But in my fragile mood, i refuse to have any of it. I can't face losing him just yet. He concedes that it wouldn't make him that happy either.

Yesterday was a Korf match day. (Incidentally, we didn't lose, but we only drew, which doesn't bode well for our place in the league). Dave ignored me for the entire match. After we all went to the pub and actually ended up having a really good laugh. Dave suddenly was speaking to me again. After the pub, prompted by him, i went back to his to get painkillers for a headache i mentioned earlier in the evening (a rather inventive reason for invitation on his part i thought). Things did not take a sensible turn.

It must appear that i am being used, or screwed over, or whatever. That i am a naive and silly little girl. But i know he genuinely does have feelings for me. He is just stubborn, and confused. Which i can hardly aberrate him for, when i am exactly the same. And as last night proved, i can play him quite effortlessly at his own game. I can engineer the circumstances just as well as he can, no matter how many times he tells me its finished and he is being sensible again.

I am quite terrified by this whole situation. The only time i don't feel anxious about it is when i am with him. Maybe i am clinging onto some small sliver of hoping that he is going to leave Ele. Though if i am honest, i'm not exactly sure how the hell i would react if he did.

I'm not going to let this carry on for very much longer. I don't know how much longer. Only that it has to be me who decides. Not him.

I am afraid of having to leave The Boy. There was never any question of not loving him until this all started. But i don't think things will ever be the same with him now. My continuing irritation at him makes me feel as though i am beginning to love him less. By losing him, i am losing a future, as well as a past and present. It really would represent the total degradation of my entire life. But apparently i am not prepared to lose Daffyd either right now.

This is all so incredibly ridiculous. I'm ashamed to even write it.

Come Alive

I always imagined that if i got pregnant at an inconvenient time then i would quite easily be able to have an abortion. Just because i am selfish and ambitious and i have a defined plan of my life, and babies before the age of twenty five don't feature in it. I am not overly emotional and am very sensible about these things and thought (naively, i suppose) that something like an abortion would never phase me particularly.

Recently i started to think that i were to fall pregnant now, there would really be no excuse to have an abortion, since i am not ridiculously young, i am in a loving relationship and my degree is nearly over. It would be incovenient, and expensive. But not life destroying. And compared to the years of mental anguish and guilt presented by having an abortion, having a baby would be amazing.

My Biomed Case Study this week is about teenage pregnancy. Cue lots of unpleasant reading about abortion, and abortion techniques. Some of these things make my stomach turn and my heart ache.

I'm not going to go all crazy and Pro-Life on you all, but i can honestly say i would never be able to bring myself to abort a child of mine now.

Self Preservation

"Don't leave the one you love for the one you like. Because the one you like will leave you for the one they love"

Seems particularly apt.

Ok, cross that out...

Its difficult to write this without sounding bitter and twisted, so i'm not sure i'm even going to try.

Predictably, Jo got her trainee microbiologist post.

Because Jo is pretty and smiley and nice and chatty and everyone loves her within seconds of meeting her and it wouldn't have mattered if anyone had bothered to tell me about the sodding post because i wouldn't have got it anyway because noone likes me because i'm shit.

Clearly.

I will probably get my first and she probably won't and yet i will most likely have to spend the next ten years sticking labels on bottles waiting for a decent fucking job to turn up while she quite nicely lands a job ten minutes away from her house, first time.

When the fuck am i going to land on my feet?

Excuse me while i go and kill myself.

Make a note, i am in a good mood!

And it doesn't happen very often!

Got my Clinical Pathology exam result back today... 90 fucking percent- whoop! Not too shabby, especially since i only did three days revision for it!

The Neuroscience ones are not out yet. They are being remarked externally as Knobface head of the module gave out such harsh marks for the essay (though not mine...)and people were complaining about him. I did three weeks revision for that one, but i'm not holding out for an amazing result particularly.

On Wednesday night i received a highly inappropriate Valentine's gift from an even more inappropriate source. So i guess you could say, being sensible isn't working out that well.

And now maybe i should be wallowing in guilt and shame and self loathing. But i'm not particularly. So fuck off.

Hello, sunshine.

It is frosty and freezing, but the sky is clear and the sun is out. And the people of Keele appear to have developed some temporary sunshine induced insanity. I saw a guy walking into town earlier in some cut off trousers, t-shirt and sunglasses... When will these people learn! Sunshine does not equate to warmth. Particularly in the English midlands...

I think i might be getting better! Whoop! I'm not going to speak to soon though...

This weekend at home has been strained and not altogether pleasant. I think i have managed to hold it together just sufficiently to keep The Boy happy.

I haven't seen Daffyd now for four days and haven't spoken to him for two. The last time i did speak to him he was particularly vicious towards me, apparently due to some supposed slight which i thought we had already dealt with. I suspect his behaviour was an attempt on his part to sabotage the friendship in order for him to cut ties, forget about me and carry on as normal. Or that he was jealous that i was at home with The Boy. Or maybe i am just being presumptuous and he was just in a bad mood like he said. He did apologise at least. I'm not sure how things stand between us right now.

Now i really, really need to go and do some work.

Sigh...

I know i'm doing the right thing.

So why do i feel so ridiculously upset about it?

Anyone would think i had feelings for him.

Okay:

The time has come for this insanity to stop.

Dave and I had another, much longer conversation last night, he finally admitted he wasn't happy with his relationship, and it has become increasingly clear that this thing between us is going to get exceptionally out of hand if it isn't nipped in the bud right now.

There is nothing intrinsically wrong with my current relationship with the Boy (apart from, i suppose, the fact that i seem to seek the attention of other men...) I have not spent the last three years striving for the day when we can have a happy normal relationship which isn't defined by the constraints of university to throw it down the drain just as we are reaching the last hurdle. I can't imagine a scenario where i am going to leave Wayne for Dave, and he sure as hell doesn't have the guts to leave Ele, so there is no point in even continuing to agonise ourselves over this.

I highly suspect this is a case of Dave wanting to have his cake and eat it. Or i am just a symptom of his unhappiness with Ele. Whether intentionally or not, he is manipulating me.

For once in my life i am going to listen to the sensible people. I'm just not going to see him alone anymore. This has only been going on for a few days, its not that serious, it will fizzle out in time. Its not something either of us particularly wants, but its what needs to be done.

I don't know who i think i'm trying to kid.

I'm going home tomorrow anyway, so i won't be seeing him again until Tuesday even if i wanted to.

God, i feel so ill.

Oh God, how do i get myself into these things...

Dave and I talked about the weekend tonight, briefly.

I asked him outright if his affection was a half arsed attempt at "counselling" me and he said it wasn't. He said he didn't feel like he had to, and therefore we should deduce that he did it because he wanted to. He liked it.

I said i kind of wanted to, too. I liked it. Though neither of us should be liking it.

He said that there was obviously something between us. Which i can't deny. I asked him what that meant. He said he wasn't the cheating type.

Slightly offended at the implication that i was the cheating type, i told him that neither was i (though that may not strictly be true...)

We wondered what this all meant.

He said, at school, there is a poster, with the saying "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" And at the moment, he was just trying to work out what that meant.

I told him to let me know when he found out.

FUCK.

Matthew and Daffyd

Once upon a time, i had a guitar teacher called Matt. He was all dark and brooding, angular and indie. A bit alternative. He was interesting, thoughtful and had the kind of dry, subtle sense of humour that i love. He was, in essence, exactly the sort of man i always wanted and thought i would be with. I was attracted to him initially, though it was nothing serious.

As time went on, we got to know each other better and we became good friends. I developed a bit of a crush on him. This crush turned into one of those breathless, obsessive, all consuming things. I began to persue him, engineer circumstances to get close to him. It worked, sort of. We spent a night together. Not having sex, or even kissing properly. Just snuggling up, i suppose. He got the picture anyway.

The only problem with all this, is that at the time i was in fact two years into a relationship with The Boy.

For a little while, i lost my mind, and it appeared i was actually going to give everything i had built with him up for Matt.

Of course, Matt turned out to be even more weasely and conniving than i was being, and all thoughts of friendship, never mind a relationship went down the drain.

I told The Boy, because i was consumed by a nervous guilt. I don't know who i thought i would be making feel better by telling him, but i did anyway. It was horrible for a while, but it worked out in the end. I've subsequently managed to convince myself that it was an exercise in getting even if nothing else, after an incident earlier in the relationship... which is a whole other diary entry...

So, i suppose, if you believe in the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater", then i am in fact a cheater.

Now onto Daffyd. Dave has never really tried to make any secret of the fact that he would dearly love to shag me senseless. He tells me how beautiful and funny he thinks i am on many an occasion.

Now, we all know how anorexic my self esteem is. I spent a very long time being very unattractive and being told what a horrible nasty person i was, on a daily basis. Even now, i find it very difficult to believe people when they tell me they think i'm good looking, or that they like me for x/y/z reason. But i enjoy the attention. I enjoy Dave's attention. Perhaps i feel the only way i can now compound my self esteem is from male attention. I don't know.

Recently, i've found myself being increasingly attracted to Dave. It might be the attention, i don't know. He is a nice enough guy, funny, reasonably looking.

On Friday night, Ruth, Dave and I went to the Sugar Mill to see a friend of ours' band play. After the gig, we all went back to Roo's and chatted for a while. After Roo went to bed, Dave and I went down to his room, since neither of us were tired, and sat up chatting until about 4am.

On Saturday morning, i went round to Dave's take a hoodie back that he lent me to walk home in. Due to my continuing illness and boredom, and the fact that both Roo and Katie were both away, i ended up spending the whole day, and most of the night with him.

Today i went to Kidsgrove to watch the Korf match, as i was too ill to play. Afterwards i went back to Dave's flat to see Roo. Roo wasn't in, so i ended up going down to Dave's room and spending another four hours with him. Then we went out to the Union to watch the Open Mic night, with a few of the Korfers.

All in all, i think i've spent about 25 hours with him over the entire weekend.

Dave snuggles up to me. He strokes my face and my hair and puts his arms round me. And i let him. And now i feel intensely guilty.

Its not so much that i think i'm cheating. We are good friends after all. There's nothing wrong with being affectionate. But its definitely double standards. If i knew the Boy was doing the same thing with another women, i'd be pretty upset. And its not the fact that we did it, its where it might all be leading that worries me. I'm not known for my self control.

Dave has a very strange relationship with his girlfriend. A few years ago, she was raped. Dealing with it led to self harming problems, anorexia, bulimia, alcoholism and being a beaten girlfriend. She latched onto Dave, and he took it upon himself to "cure" all her problems by acting as her personal counseller/ psychotherapist. They got together when Dave decided one day that they should, just to stop her from dating other violent men. He told me that he loves her and he has accepted that their relationship is forever now, he feels personal responsibility for her as apparently she has none for herself and ending it would result in her committing suicide. Even if he didn't love her, he would feel personally responsible for her death, and so would never leave her. Which seems a very bizarre set- up to me. I have heard previously from other friends that she is reknowned for her attention seeking, and suggestions that some of her problems are more like "problems". I don't think i am jaded enough to believe that someone would be capable of making all those things up though. I highly suspect he isn't as happy with her as he claims. I know for a fact that he used to have a slight infatuation with Ruth, and went as far as to ask Katie if she thought he had any chance with her.

Dave seems to now have an image of himself as the world's personal counselling service. I'm not sure if thats what his attention to me is- counselling. If he's doing it because he thinks i need it. Or because he wishes i was Ruth. Or if he wants it.

It shouldn't really matter to me, should it?

My attraction increases, and this really smacks of a "Matt-situation".

Am i really going to betray the person who loves me, for a second time? Am i really that selfish and immature?

I really dislike myself sometimes.

Oh holy mongoose!

Its February!

My projects are due in on the 13th of March, which is in 6 weeks...

The last time i checked, the 13th of March was about 5 months away!

Bugger.

I went to the doctor today about my poor stomach. He seemed unimpressed. It appears i may not have AIDs/ cholera/ noravirus/ concealed pregnancy... as previously suspected.

The Boy is annoying me. He is sulking because i told him off for not going into work again today- apparently the tendonitis in his groin is playing him up. Something about his current workplace makes him a little bipolar, one minute he loves it, the next minute he hates it and wants to leave. He is currently in a hating phase. The company however, adore him, and are pretty keen to promote him to management. I think the shop had a bad week last week and now his manager is taking it out on him. He has been accused of taking a step backwards recently, which presumably means his promotion is drifting out of view... Being off "ill" constantly (i.e. twice a month) isn't going to be helping his case. He has an awful track record of never staying in a job longer than a couple of years maximum; something always seems to go wrong and he is "forced out". I have always been sympathetic in the past, but it has been in the back of my mind that as the only common denominator, perhaps the problem lay with him. Surely its going to get to a point where noone wants to employ him? But i'm a nice, supportive girlfriend, so i never said. I'm thinking it again now though.

I could be incredibly premature and bunny boiler-esque and say: "Oh my god, how is a man who can't keep a job for five minutes going to support me and our children for the rest of our lives!?"

But i'm not. So i won't...

In Other News...

Letters to Hell...

Dear Fishfinger Boy,

firstly let us get one thing perfectly clear. Fishfinger boy is not an affectionate nickname on account of an amusing penchant for fishfingers on your part. You are Fishfinger boy on account of the fact that you have all the personality of a semi-defrosted one.

Now to the main point of our correspondence. I am sick and tired of having to dig six months worth of your dirty festering crockery out of the sink, everytime i want use it, due to your apparent clinical aversion to washing up. Sort it out, you lazy, scruffy twat!

Also, i don't like having to stay awake until 2am listening to you and your irritatingly whiney girlfriend having bad geek sex, six inches away from my head. Its just wrong!

************************************************************

Dear Pompous Arrogant Knobface living in the room formerly known as Andy's,

Surprisingly enough, i am not deaf. If you are going to whisper about me to your exceptionally plain girlfriend... at least wait until i have left the kitchen!

************************************************************

God, i hate communal living.

That is all.

Bleeurgh

Good God i feel poorly. I swear i have been feeling sick for about six weeks now. I hate being me. (And no, i'm not up the spout, before anyone says anything).

I think i am just going to give up eating. I am clearly allergic to it.

Happily, i didn't get the Vomit-y dissertation title. Mine is about Anorexia Nervosa, which should be interesting.

I'm stuck with my Non-experimental project. Which naturally means i am pratting about on the internet waiting for some divine intervention, rather than actually working on it. I'm not stuck as such. I just have too much information in too many different papers, and keep forgetting what i read and where i read it and having to go through all the papers over and over and over... I could just make notes on the damn things but that would be far too sensible. My brain is in no mood to be making logical sense of things right now.

I just wanted to moan really.