Matthew and Daffyd

Once upon a time, i had a guitar teacher called Matt. He was all dark and brooding, angular and indie. A bit alternative. He was interesting, thoughtful and had the kind of dry, subtle sense of humour that i love. He was, in essence, exactly the sort of man i always wanted and thought i would be with. I was attracted to him initially, though it was nothing serious.

As time went on, we got to know each other better and we became good friends. I developed a bit of a crush on him. This crush turned into one of those breathless, obsessive, all consuming things. I began to persue him, engineer circumstances to get close to him. It worked, sort of. We spent a night together. Not having sex, or even kissing properly. Just snuggling up, i suppose. He got the picture anyway.

The only problem with all this, is that at the time i was in fact two years into a relationship with The Boy.

For a little while, i lost my mind, and it appeared i was actually going to give everything i had built with him up for Matt.

Of course, Matt turned out to be even more weasely and conniving than i was being, and all thoughts of friendship, never mind a relationship went down the drain.

I told The Boy, because i was consumed by a nervous guilt. I don't know who i thought i would be making feel better by telling him, but i did anyway. It was horrible for a while, but it worked out in the end. I've subsequently managed to convince myself that it was an exercise in getting even if nothing else, after an incident earlier in the relationship... which is a whole other diary entry...

So, i suppose, if you believe in the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater", then i am in fact a cheater.

Now onto Daffyd. Dave has never really tried to make any secret of the fact that he would dearly love to shag me senseless. He tells me how beautiful and funny he thinks i am on many an occasion.

Now, we all know how anorexic my self esteem is. I spent a very long time being very unattractive and being told what a horrible nasty person i was, on a daily basis. Even now, i find it very difficult to believe people when they tell me they think i'm good looking, or that they like me for x/y/z reason. But i enjoy the attention. I enjoy Dave's attention. Perhaps i feel the only way i can now compound my self esteem is from male attention. I don't know.

Recently, i've found myself being increasingly attracted to Dave. It might be the attention, i don't know. He is a nice enough guy, funny, reasonably looking.

On Friday night, Ruth, Dave and I went to the Sugar Mill to see a friend of ours' band play. After the gig, we all went back to Roo's and chatted for a while. After Roo went to bed, Dave and I went down to his room, since neither of us were tired, and sat up chatting until about 4am.

On Saturday morning, i went round to Dave's take a hoodie back that he lent me to walk home in. Due to my continuing illness and boredom, and the fact that both Roo and Katie were both away, i ended up spending the whole day, and most of the night with him.

Today i went to Kidsgrove to watch the Korf match, as i was too ill to play. Afterwards i went back to Dave's flat to see Roo. Roo wasn't in, so i ended up going down to Dave's room and spending another four hours with him. Then we went out to the Union to watch the Open Mic night, with a few of the Korfers.

All in all, i think i've spent about 25 hours with him over the entire weekend.

Dave snuggles up to me. He strokes my face and my hair and puts his arms round me. And i let him. And now i feel intensely guilty.

Its not so much that i think i'm cheating. We are good friends after all. There's nothing wrong with being affectionate. But its definitely double standards. If i knew the Boy was doing the same thing with another women, i'd be pretty upset. And its not the fact that we did it, its where it might all be leading that worries me. I'm not known for my self control.

Dave has a very strange relationship with his girlfriend. A few years ago, she was raped. Dealing with it led to self harming problems, anorexia, bulimia, alcoholism and being a beaten girlfriend. She latched onto Dave, and he took it upon himself to "cure" all her problems by acting as her personal counseller/ psychotherapist. They got together when Dave decided one day that they should, just to stop her from dating other violent men. He told me that he loves her and he has accepted that their relationship is forever now, he feels personal responsibility for her as apparently she has none for herself and ending it would result in her committing suicide. Even if he didn't love her, he would feel personally responsible for her death, and so would never leave her. Which seems a very bizarre set- up to me. I have heard previously from other friends that she is reknowned for her attention seeking, and suggestions that some of her problems are more like "problems". I don't think i am jaded enough to believe that someone would be capable of making all those things up though. I highly suspect he isn't as happy with her as he claims. I know for a fact that he used to have a slight infatuation with Ruth, and went as far as to ask Katie if she thought he had any chance with her.

Dave seems to now have an image of himself as the world's personal counselling service. I'm not sure if thats what his attention to me is- counselling. If he's doing it because he thinks i need it. Or because he wishes i was Ruth. Or if he wants it.

It shouldn't really matter to me, should it?

My attraction increases, and this really smacks of a "Matt-situation".

Am i really going to betray the person who loves me, for a second time? Am i really that selfish and immature?

I really dislike myself sometimes.