I can't believe there are still people around who check this site with regularity, given the dire state of my update frequency recently... I'll never know why you're still interested but i suppose i should say thank you.
I also find it difficult to believe just how ridiculous my life continues to be. My depression is worse than it ever has been and i can only honestly blame myself.
I have a beautiful little end terraced house currently in the process of being made mine. I have a boy begging to move into it with me and love me until the end of time. I have my job, which is lovely and some new friends who are equally lovely. In short i have everything i ever wanted, and i'm still not happy.
I'm still not happy because amazingly i'm still letting a certain manipulative controlling, abusive someone have a hold on me and my life, under some facade of loving him and him loving me. I cannot think of a worse person to be with, a less sympathetic, understanding, supportive person, and yet still i think i'd be better off there. Because occasionally he makes me laugh. And he holds me when we go to sleep.
This is why i don't update anymore, because then i'd have to tell you how everyday i think about those pills. Maybe because thats the only way to get his attention. Maybe cos its the only way to make it stop.
Clean slate and all that.
don't call the doctors cause they've seen it all before they'll say just let her crash and burn she'll learn the attention just encourages her
1 comment:
you deserve so much better than having to tolerate someone who treats you poorly. how is that better off than learning to like yourself and be ok being by yourself?
if you're suicidal, then get some help. i'm not kidding here. find someone you trust and can talk to and then do that, talk to them. overdosing in pills is not a good way to get affection, it's a good way to have the other person either leave or resent you for doing it.
and i'm going to keep reading. i'm weird that way.
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