Day Three... Is it day 3? I can't even remember...

So my mind is beginning to unravel slowly. Well i say slowly. I don't know the exact time course of these things. But my head, anyway, its not well.

Yesterday afternoon, around lunchtime, i managed to convince myself fairly successfully, that the logical solution to the whole problem would just be to kill myself. Cue a long internal debate about exactly how painful it would be to slit ones wrists- though why i was thinking that i don't know- i am an immense pain wimp and so any suicidal activity would almost certainly involve taking an overdose. But that seemed less messy and dramatic and tragic and whatever... The semi-logical part of my brain argued however, that after 4 fucking years slog at this degree, i would not be wanting to throw it down the pan 4 weeks before finishing. I would have to do my exams first. But then part of the problem is the sheer volume of knowledge i am having to squash into my brain currently and once exams are over that problem will cease to be in existence thus removing some necessity of the suicidal act anyway...

Then i had a cup of tea and a sit down.

Joey came round last night and beat me senseless for not telling her about splitting up with The Boy before. And she listened to the saga in a typical non-judgemental and blunt Joey way. I was reminded of the reasons i love her so much and shamed for my previous bitterness towards her. In many ways, she is much more like me than Ruth and Katie, and i like her much better for it. We established that i need to make a decision, and stick to it. Which of course i already knew. She seems much more pro-Daffyd than others, for reasons i am not sure of.

Then my man free week disintegrated entirely when Daffyd got back from a Tom's band gig and invited himself round to "see how i was". I resisted for about 30 seconds... but i figured i was feeling better after seeing Joey, so wouldn't be doing much thinking anyway. So he came round and we chatted and snuggled up for a bit, and then he left. AND THEN... i called The Boy... because an "unknown number" had been calling me all evening and it was quite blatantly him, so i thought i'd check he hadn't topped himself or anything. He hadn't. We had a minor chat, despite both of us saying we really shouldn't be talking to each other... He cried a little but otherwise seemed fairly reasonable. I felt guilty. But i didn't miss him. I didn't feel overwhelmed with affection. In fact talking to him reminded me slightly of the way i used to feel about my now Ex-ex boyfriend (who incidentally i have been Facebook stalking recently...) when we split up and he would whine down the phone at me for about 6 months afterwards... But not entirely. I do still love him after all.

Today Ruth was back for a while and so i spent most of the afternoon with her and Katie and periodically Alex. I had a laugh and forgot about things for a while, which was nice.

I may then have spent most of the afternoon flirting with Daffyd via Facebook, which isn't entirely in keeping with the spirit of the week either. He is cooking me dinner tomorrow. Which i will feel ferociously guilty about for a number of reasons: mainly the fact that it is (was) my 3 year anniversary with The Boy. But then i am single now. But... whatever...

I'm really not doing myself any favours...

Sigh.

Home time i think.