Earthquakes!

Are well cool innit. Bless Sleazy and Fishfinger boy. They were full of it last night, the big geology geeks.

I am struggling to do any work, so am skiving as usual. My non-experimental project is about 1500 words over the limit, and i don't have the will to start reading it and cutting things out of it. Don't really know what to do about that. Still no results for the experimental project. Deadline is in two weeks and noone is taking me seriously. I am going to cry, very soon. The Case studies and Biochem of disease assessments are up on the server, so i could do those, but lets face it, i'm not going to. Motivation = come back please.

Dave told me he loved me last night. I don't think i believe him. I think he has feelings for me beyond that of friendship, and doesn't have another more suitable word to describe the in between situation. He is a bit of a closed book when it comes to emotion. He likes to retain his cool and collected exterior, overviewing the situation and making me do the running in the emotional stakes. Some kind of superiority complex perhaps. Which makes me feel rather vulnerable. Last night was a bit of a breakthrough. He told me that when we're not together he is always thinking about me and thinking of situations to get us to be together, and that when he is with me he is happy and wants nothing else. He says i "get him". And noone "gets" him. I asked him if he loved El. His response was to screw up his face and contemplate deeply for a few minutes. Which i took to be a no. But, he is still with the martyr complex. Two more years he says, until she is "normal". He is ridiculous, utterly ridiculous. But there is just no reasoning with him. He is in for a very miserable life, i fear.

In answer to the inevitable question... i have no idea how i feel about him. I certainly don't love him... i have only known him since September after all. But i do feel something for him. Something inappropriate given my supposed relationship status. I also want to have sex with him. A lot. This is the thing that worries me perhaps the most. For at least two years, the thought of sex with The Boy has just made me feel tired. It has been a chore to get through. I do it because i love him, and even though i get little pleasure out of it, its still a physical closeness that is nice to have. But the extent of my unarousal has led me to think on more than one occasion that there is actually something physically wrong with me. And now here Dave is. Last night i wanted to fuck him so badly, it was almost physically painful. We had that adolescent sort of night with lots of kissing and yearning. It was like being 15 again. Which kind of implies that the sex thing is not another addition on my list of crazies, as previously suspected, but an issue with The Boy, or our relationship, or both. Which is not reassuring. But then, its not like it was a big issue before. It upset me on a personal level. But it wasn't upsetting the relationship. I wasn't thinking that i couldn't spend the rest of my life with him because of it.

I'm prepared to accept that maybe the attraction to Dave is more about the drama and the new excitingness of it all. He is new, he is exciting. And i do love the thought of it all going on behind people's backs. Keeping up the normal friendly banter with him in front of our friends, the Korfers etc. Listening to him making jokes about Gill his "fuck buddy". Watching Fake Cough's tragic attempts to flirt with him. And them not having a clue. They think they know something, but really they know nothing. Sitting there oblivious as he holds my hand under the table in the pub, laughing at his "jokes" about fucking me while he whispers the truth in my ear. Its my hair he strokes, my waist his arm is around, my room he sneaks off to when everyone goes home. And yes i should feel cheap and nasty and sad. But when i'm with him i don't. I feel exciting, and excited.

I suppose the proof of the pudding is that when he asks me if i would leave The Boy for him, i overwhelmingly feel panic. I don't know if i do want to leave him, even though i probably should. And i don't know if my feelings for Dave are valid enough, if they are solid for him. The last thing i want is to be screwing over two people in one fell swoop.

I wish i was a better person.