This afternoon as i walked up the path to Roo's flat, for tea and sympathy, who should come trotting round the corner but Daffyd, hand in hand with Ele.
A tad awkward since less than 6 hours earlier, i had just climbed out of bed with her boyfriend...
She is exactly like i imagined her, all blonde and bouncing and childlike.
Despite my initial "oh FUCK", i said hello to Daffyd, to ease the tension. He proceeded to ignore me, which made me more than a little cross.
Oh god, i am the other woman.
Wednesday, 27 February 2008
Earthquakes!
Are well cool innit. Bless Sleazy and Fishfinger boy. They were full of it last night, the big geology geeks.
I am struggling to do any work, so am skiving as usual. My non-experimental project is about 1500 words over the limit, and i don't have the will to start reading it and cutting things out of it. Don't really know what to do about that. Still no results for the experimental project. Deadline is in two weeks and noone is taking me seriously. I am going to cry, very soon. The Case studies and Biochem of disease assessments are up on the server, so i could do those, but lets face it, i'm not going to. Motivation = come back please.
Dave told me he loved me last night. I don't think i believe him. I think he has feelings for me beyond that of friendship, and doesn't have another more suitable word to describe the in between situation. He is a bit of a closed book when it comes to emotion. He likes to retain his cool and collected exterior, overviewing the situation and making me do the running in the emotional stakes. Some kind of superiority complex perhaps. Which makes me feel rather vulnerable. Last night was a bit of a breakthrough. He told me that when we're not together he is always thinking about me and thinking of situations to get us to be together, and that when he is with me he is happy and wants nothing else. He says i "get him". And noone "gets" him. I asked him if he loved El. His response was to screw up his face and contemplate deeply for a few minutes. Which i took to be a no. But, he is still with the martyr complex. Two more years he says, until she is "normal". He is ridiculous, utterly ridiculous. But there is just no reasoning with him. He is in for a very miserable life, i fear.
In answer to the inevitable question... i have no idea how i feel about him. I certainly don't love him... i have only known him since September after all. But i do feel something for him. Something inappropriate given my supposed relationship status. I also want to have sex with him. A lot. This is the thing that worries me perhaps the most. For at least two years, the thought of sex with The Boy has just made me feel tired. It has been a chore to get through. I do it because i love him, and even though i get little pleasure out of it, its still a physical closeness that is nice to have. But the extent of my unarousal has led me to think on more than one occasion that there is actually something physically wrong with me. And now here Dave is. Last night i wanted to fuck him so badly, it was almost physically painful. We had that adolescent sort of night with lots of kissing and yearning. It was like being 15 again. Which kind of implies that the sex thing is not another addition on my list of crazies, as previously suspected, but an issue with The Boy, or our relationship, or both. Which is not reassuring. But then, its not like it was a big issue before. It upset me on a personal level. But it wasn't upsetting the relationship. I wasn't thinking that i couldn't spend the rest of my life with him because of it.
I'm prepared to accept that maybe the attraction to Dave is more about the drama and the new excitingness of it all. He is new, he is exciting. And i do love the thought of it all going on behind people's backs. Keeping up the normal friendly banter with him in front of our friends, the Korfers etc. Listening to him making jokes about Gill his "fuck buddy". Watching Fake Cough's tragic attempts to flirt with him. And them not having a clue. They think they know something, but really they know nothing. Sitting there oblivious as he holds my hand under the table in the pub, laughing at his "jokes" about fucking me while he whispers the truth in my ear. Its my hair he strokes, my waist his arm is around, my room he sneaks off to when everyone goes home. And yes i should feel cheap and nasty and sad. But when i'm with him i don't. I feel exciting, and excited.
I suppose the proof of the pudding is that when he asks me if i would leave The Boy for him, i overwhelmingly feel panic. I don't know if i do want to leave him, even though i probably should. And i don't know if my feelings for Dave are valid enough, if they are solid for him. The last thing i want is to be screwing over two people in one fell swoop.
I wish i was a better person.
I am struggling to do any work, so am skiving as usual. My non-experimental project is about 1500 words over the limit, and i don't have the will to start reading it and cutting things out of it. Don't really know what to do about that. Still no results for the experimental project. Deadline is in two weeks and noone is taking me seriously. I am going to cry, very soon. The Case studies and Biochem of disease assessments are up on the server, so i could do those, but lets face it, i'm not going to. Motivation = come back please.
Dave told me he loved me last night. I don't think i believe him. I think he has feelings for me beyond that of friendship, and doesn't have another more suitable word to describe the in between situation. He is a bit of a closed book when it comes to emotion. He likes to retain his cool and collected exterior, overviewing the situation and making me do the running in the emotional stakes. Some kind of superiority complex perhaps. Which makes me feel rather vulnerable. Last night was a bit of a breakthrough. He told me that when we're not together he is always thinking about me and thinking of situations to get us to be together, and that when he is with me he is happy and wants nothing else. He says i "get him". And noone "gets" him. I asked him if he loved El. His response was to screw up his face and contemplate deeply for a few minutes. Which i took to be a no. But, he is still with the martyr complex. Two more years he says, until she is "normal". He is ridiculous, utterly ridiculous. But there is just no reasoning with him. He is in for a very miserable life, i fear.
In answer to the inevitable question... i have no idea how i feel about him. I certainly don't love him... i have only known him since September after all. But i do feel something for him. Something inappropriate given my supposed relationship status. I also want to have sex with him. A lot. This is the thing that worries me perhaps the most. For at least two years, the thought of sex with The Boy has just made me feel tired. It has been a chore to get through. I do it because i love him, and even though i get little pleasure out of it, its still a physical closeness that is nice to have. But the extent of my unarousal has led me to think on more than one occasion that there is actually something physically wrong with me. And now here Dave is. Last night i wanted to fuck him so badly, it was almost physically painful. We had that adolescent sort of night with lots of kissing and yearning. It was like being 15 again. Which kind of implies that the sex thing is not another addition on my list of crazies, as previously suspected, but an issue with The Boy, or our relationship, or both. Which is not reassuring. But then, its not like it was a big issue before. It upset me on a personal level. But it wasn't upsetting the relationship. I wasn't thinking that i couldn't spend the rest of my life with him because of it.
I'm prepared to accept that maybe the attraction to Dave is more about the drama and the new excitingness of it all. He is new, he is exciting. And i do love the thought of it all going on behind people's backs. Keeping up the normal friendly banter with him in front of our friends, the Korfers etc. Listening to him making jokes about Gill his "fuck buddy". Watching Fake Cough's tragic attempts to flirt with him. And them not having a clue. They think they know something, but really they know nothing. Sitting there oblivious as he holds my hand under the table in the pub, laughing at his "jokes" about fucking me while he whispers the truth in my ear. Its my hair he strokes, my waist his arm is around, my room he sneaks off to when everyone goes home. And yes i should feel cheap and nasty and sad. But when i'm with him i don't. I feel exciting, and excited.
I suppose the proof of the pudding is that when he asks me if i would leave The Boy for him, i overwhelmingly feel panic. I don't know if i do want to leave him, even though i probably should. And i don't know if my feelings for Dave are valid enough, if they are solid for him. The last thing i want is to be screwing over two people in one fell swoop.
I wish i was a better person.
Tuesday, 26 February 2008
Early morning shenanigans:
At 5.57am, i attended what is most likely to be my last Keele University fire drill. More annoying than the usual 4am ventures as by the time you get back in you don't actually have much time to fall back to sleep before having to get up again for morning lectures. So am shattered today.
The drill wasn't too bad this time, fairly speedy and the security men and resident tutors seemed marginally less ecstatic at our sleepy misery than usual. Also they just took our room numbers as we came out, rather than doing it register stylee when everyone finally arrives out. Which last time led to the following conversation:
Security Man: 48?
Fishfinger Boy: Yep!
Me: Phil, I live in 48.
FB: Do you?
Me: Yes Phil, all year...
FB: Well where do i live then!?
Me: 49...
Cue me being cross questioned by resident tutors about my fraudulent inhabitation of someone else's room...
As annoying as the drills are, there is a certain amount of camaraderie about them, which you don't often get here. Huddling around in hoodies and pajama bottoms (or whichever piece of inappropriate attire one chooses to don... c'mon guys, you know its not a real fire, you have the time, there's really no need to turn up outside in a pencil case and a flip flop...), chatting to people you would never usually speak to, laughing even though its 6am, pissing it down with rain and you're wearing a Space Invaders dressing gown...
And then its back to bed. To spend the next two hours thinking you have tinnitus, when in actual fact its just the alarm going off in the next block, and then the next block and then the next block.... zzzzzz....
Today i am going to do something productive. I don't seem to have done anything useful for days... I still haven't had my project results validated which means i can't actually analyse them and so my project is at a stand still. I am becoming progressively more annoyed by this, but may be able to get an extension out of it, if the worst comes to the worst. I may start my dissertation.
Tonight i am going to Manchester to see Tom's band play a gig at the Academy, which is quite prestigious so should be good. Gill and Becca are going, more's the pity (miaow!) but Dave is going and Maz will be there so should be good.
I have a feeling Dave is going to have done his usual weekly 180 degree turn today. In which case i will have to unleash my psychosis on him, and it will not be pretty. But i am not going to let him do it to me again, so at least if that does happen, it will mean an end to this crazy situation.
I am on my period, and it hurts. A lot.
That is all.
The drill wasn't too bad this time, fairly speedy and the security men and resident tutors seemed marginally less ecstatic at our sleepy misery than usual. Also they just took our room numbers as we came out, rather than doing it register stylee when everyone finally arrives out. Which last time led to the following conversation:
Security Man: 48?
Fishfinger Boy: Yep!
Me: Phil, I live in 48.
FB: Do you?
Me: Yes Phil, all year...
FB: Well where do i live then!?
Me: 49...
Cue me being cross questioned by resident tutors about my fraudulent inhabitation of someone else's room...
As annoying as the drills are, there is a certain amount of camaraderie about them, which you don't often get here. Huddling around in hoodies and pajama bottoms (or whichever piece of inappropriate attire one chooses to don... c'mon guys, you know its not a real fire, you have the time, there's really no need to turn up outside in a pencil case and a flip flop...), chatting to people you would never usually speak to, laughing even though its 6am, pissing it down with rain and you're wearing a Space Invaders dressing gown...
And then its back to bed. To spend the next two hours thinking you have tinnitus, when in actual fact its just the alarm going off in the next block, and then the next block and then the next block.... zzzzzz....
Today i am going to do something productive. I don't seem to have done anything useful for days... I still haven't had my project results validated which means i can't actually analyse them and so my project is at a stand still. I am becoming progressively more annoyed by this, but may be able to get an extension out of it, if the worst comes to the worst. I may start my dissertation.
Tonight i am going to Manchester to see Tom's band play a gig at the Academy, which is quite prestigious so should be good. Gill and Becca are going, more's the pity (miaow!) but Dave is going and Maz will be there so should be good.
I have a feeling Dave is going to have done his usual weekly 180 degree turn today. In which case i will have to unleash my psychosis on him, and it will not be pretty. But i am not going to let him do it to me again, so at least if that does happen, it will mean an end to this crazy situation.
I am on my period, and it hurts. A lot.
That is all.
Monday, 25 February 2008
Great Scot, Marty!
I've had this bastard in my head for about 3 days now... for no apparent reason:
And now its in your head. Ha.
And now its in your head. Ha.
Sunday, 24 February 2008
Life Since Pop
Yesterday i went round to Roo and Dave's flat for a bit of social activity.
The front door was locked and neither of them were answering their phones so i went to knock on Alex's window to see if he would let me in.
He opened the window, looked me up and down for a couple of seconds and then said "mate, seriously, you have the best tits." Before promptly shutting the window and fucking off.
I never did get in...
The front door was locked and neither of them were answering their phones so i went to knock on Alex's window to see if he would let me in.
He opened the window, looked me up and down for a couple of seconds and then said "mate, seriously, you have the best tits." Before promptly shutting the window and fucking off.
I never did get in...
Saturday, 23 February 2008
On course for disaster...
There are so many things in my head that i need to write, but i'm finding it hard to find out what they are and put them into some kind of sensible order.
I have had a horrible and confusing week and it is all completely self inflicted.
Last weekend The Boy came down to stay. He is a lot more perceptive than we give him credit for, and seems to realise that there is something not quite right. Though to be fair, my distantness and continual irritation at him probably gives it away a little. The thing about The Boy is, when he senses something is amiss, something he thinks (rightly or wrongly) is jeopardising our relationship, his natural instinct is to cling. I swear there are limpits with less adhesive ability. And he whines. God, how i hate whining. Coupled with the fact that i live in a very small space, and that he hadn't had the foresight to actually bring anything with him to do for the entire week... Well i was horrible to him. An actual bitch.
On Sunday, Daffyd for some reason saw fit to tell Roo about the whole sorry "situation" that has been occurring between us, despite the fact that i expressly told him to Not Under Any Circumstances Tell Ruth, on more than one occasion. I had neither the physical opportunity or emotional capacity to be explaining things to Roo, bollocking Dave and keeping things normal and concealed from The Boy, and as such, spent most of the weekend on the verge of a panic attack.
I was livid with Daffyd. Not only did he choose to break my trust, but specifically at a time when he knows full well that The Boy was here, and i couldn't do anything about it. It seemed to me that he was either a) not as bothered about Boy finding out and leaving me as he claimed, b) deliberately trying to stir up trouble between me and Roo, c) feeling guilty whilst visiting El, and creating some kind of backlash towards me to end things once and for all d) jealous that i was with Boy and he wasn't centre of attention or e) wanting El to find out but not wanting to tell her himself. Though he claimed that he "wasn't doing it to get at me"
I managed to get away and talk things through with Roo, who was understanding and lovely, despite her excessively high moral standards, and i felt incredibly guilty for not just telling her in the first place. She is clearly hurt by the fact that i didn't. We decide that Daffyd is an arse, and clearly the sensible solution to the whole issue is just to ignore him. This is a recurring theme, so pay attention.
Meanwhile i am being progressively more vile to The Boy and eventually have to send him to Karl's two days early, for fear of actually murdering him.
Being the argumentative bint that i am, after Boy left i demanded to see Daffyd for an explanation. He tells me that his weekend with El was horrible and they had an argument, which he was telling Roo about which somehow culminated in him telling her he had feelings for me, because he needed to "vent". He says there was no malicious intent whatsoever. And while everyone has been telling me he is manipulative and controlling and trying to screw me over, i don't want to believe that because it means i am an exceptionally bad judge of character and that he has been out to hurt me all along. So i don't believe it. While i am still incredibly cross with him, i find it difficult to maintain when he sits there so placidly telling me quite simply that i've got it all wrong.
The day after Daffyd cooks me dinner before Korf training. Tired and full of food i fall asleep on his bed. I wake up to find him staring at me.
Later on in the evening i receive text messages from Katie, demanding to know why i am having dinner with Dave when i am meant to staying away from him. (Fucking Alex, the grass). I have to bite my tongue when replying to prevent unleashing a "fuck-off-since-when-do-i-have-to-answer-to-you-i-am-perfectly-capable-of-making-my-own-decisions" type tirade. At this point i realise the increasing potential of this situation to leave me well and truly with nothing. I am lying to my friends and deliberately going against their advice, when they only want me to do the sensible thing and not make a complete fuck up of my entire life.
Dave is upset that Roo and Katie are now not speaking to him because they think he is screwing me over and trying to stir up trouble between us all. He seems to think he is going to be taking it out on me. I feel guilty only momentarily. He did, after all bring it on himself. I did warn him not to tell Ruth. After the Katie texts, he decides the only way to deal with the situation is for us to ignore each other. Or as he says, i am going to end up having to choose between him and Ruth and Katie. Again, this seems like the sensible thing to do. But in my fragile mood, i refuse to have any of it. I can't face losing him just yet. He concedes that it wouldn't make him that happy either.
Yesterday was a Korf match day. (Incidentally, we didn't lose, but we only drew, which doesn't bode well for our place in the league). Dave ignored me for the entire match. After we all went to the pub and actually ended up having a really good laugh. Dave suddenly was speaking to me again. After the pub, prompted by him, i went back to his to get painkillers for a headache i mentioned earlier in the evening (a rather inventive reason for invitation on his part i thought). Things did not take a sensible turn.
It must appear that i am being used, or screwed over, or whatever. That i am a naive and silly little girl. But i know he genuinely does have feelings for me. He is just stubborn, and confused. Which i can hardly aberrate him for, when i am exactly the same. And as last night proved, i can play him quite effortlessly at his own game. I can engineer the circumstances just as well as he can, no matter how many times he tells me its finished and he is being sensible again.
I am quite terrified by this whole situation. The only time i don't feel anxious about it is when i am with him. Maybe i am clinging onto some small sliver of hoping that he is going to leave Ele. Though if i am honest, i'm not exactly sure how the hell i would react if he did.
I'm not going to let this carry on for very much longer. I don't know how much longer. Only that it has to be me who decides. Not him.
I am afraid of having to leave The Boy. There was never any question of not loving him until this all started. But i don't think things will ever be the same with him now. My continuing irritation at him makes me feel as though i am beginning to love him less. By losing him, i am losing a future, as well as a past and present. It really would represent the total degradation of my entire life. But apparently i am not prepared to lose Daffyd either right now.
This is all so incredibly ridiculous. I'm ashamed to even write it.
I have had a horrible and confusing week and it is all completely self inflicted.
Last weekend The Boy came down to stay. He is a lot more perceptive than we give him credit for, and seems to realise that there is something not quite right. Though to be fair, my distantness and continual irritation at him probably gives it away a little. The thing about The Boy is, when he senses something is amiss, something he thinks (rightly or wrongly) is jeopardising our relationship, his natural instinct is to cling. I swear there are limpits with less adhesive ability. And he whines. God, how i hate whining. Coupled with the fact that i live in a very small space, and that he hadn't had the foresight to actually bring anything with him to do for the entire week... Well i was horrible to him. An actual bitch.
On Sunday, Daffyd for some reason saw fit to tell Roo about the whole sorry "situation" that has been occurring between us, despite the fact that i expressly told him to Not Under Any Circumstances Tell Ruth, on more than one occasion. I had neither the physical opportunity or emotional capacity to be explaining things to Roo, bollocking Dave and keeping things normal and concealed from The Boy, and as such, spent most of the weekend on the verge of a panic attack.
I was livid with Daffyd. Not only did he choose to break my trust, but specifically at a time when he knows full well that The Boy was here, and i couldn't do anything about it. It seemed to me that he was either a) not as bothered about Boy finding out and leaving me as he claimed, b) deliberately trying to stir up trouble between me and Roo, c) feeling guilty whilst visiting El, and creating some kind of backlash towards me to end things once and for all d) jealous that i was with Boy and he wasn't centre of attention or e) wanting El to find out but not wanting to tell her himself. Though he claimed that he "wasn't doing it to get at me"
I managed to get away and talk things through with Roo, who was understanding and lovely, despite her excessively high moral standards, and i felt incredibly guilty for not just telling her in the first place. She is clearly hurt by the fact that i didn't. We decide that Daffyd is an arse, and clearly the sensible solution to the whole issue is just to ignore him. This is a recurring theme, so pay attention.
Meanwhile i am being progressively more vile to The Boy and eventually have to send him to Karl's two days early, for fear of actually murdering him.
Being the argumentative bint that i am, after Boy left i demanded to see Daffyd for an explanation. He tells me that his weekend with El was horrible and they had an argument, which he was telling Roo about which somehow culminated in him telling her he had feelings for me, because he needed to "vent". He says there was no malicious intent whatsoever. And while everyone has been telling me he is manipulative and controlling and trying to screw me over, i don't want to believe that because it means i am an exceptionally bad judge of character and that he has been out to hurt me all along. So i don't believe it. While i am still incredibly cross with him, i find it difficult to maintain when he sits there so placidly telling me quite simply that i've got it all wrong.
The day after Daffyd cooks me dinner before Korf training. Tired and full of food i fall asleep on his bed. I wake up to find him staring at me.
Later on in the evening i receive text messages from Katie, demanding to know why i am having dinner with Dave when i am meant to staying away from him. (Fucking Alex, the grass). I have to bite my tongue when replying to prevent unleashing a "fuck-off-since-when-do-i-have-to-answer-to-you-i-am-perfectly-capable-of-making-my-own-decisions" type tirade. At this point i realise the increasing potential of this situation to leave me well and truly with nothing. I am lying to my friends and deliberately going against their advice, when they only want me to do the sensible thing and not make a complete fuck up of my entire life.
Dave is upset that Roo and Katie are now not speaking to him because they think he is screwing me over and trying to stir up trouble between us all. He seems to think he is going to be taking it out on me. I feel guilty only momentarily. He did, after all bring it on himself. I did warn him not to tell Ruth. After the Katie texts, he decides the only way to deal with the situation is for us to ignore each other. Or as he says, i am going to end up having to choose between him and Ruth and Katie. Again, this seems like the sensible thing to do. But in my fragile mood, i refuse to have any of it. I can't face losing him just yet. He concedes that it wouldn't make him that happy either.
Yesterday was a Korf match day. (Incidentally, we didn't lose, but we only drew, which doesn't bode well for our place in the league). Dave ignored me for the entire match. After we all went to the pub and actually ended up having a really good laugh. Dave suddenly was speaking to me again. After the pub, prompted by him, i went back to his to get painkillers for a headache i mentioned earlier in the evening (a rather inventive reason for invitation on his part i thought). Things did not take a sensible turn.
It must appear that i am being used, or screwed over, or whatever. That i am a naive and silly little girl. But i know he genuinely does have feelings for me. He is just stubborn, and confused. Which i can hardly aberrate him for, when i am exactly the same. And as last night proved, i can play him quite effortlessly at his own game. I can engineer the circumstances just as well as he can, no matter how many times he tells me its finished and he is being sensible again.
I am quite terrified by this whole situation. The only time i don't feel anxious about it is when i am with him. Maybe i am clinging onto some small sliver of hoping that he is going to leave Ele. Though if i am honest, i'm not exactly sure how the hell i would react if he did.
I'm not going to let this carry on for very much longer. I don't know how much longer. Only that it has to be me who decides. Not him.
I am afraid of having to leave The Boy. There was never any question of not loving him until this all started. But i don't think things will ever be the same with him now. My continuing irritation at him makes me feel as though i am beginning to love him less. By losing him, i am losing a future, as well as a past and present. It really would represent the total degradation of my entire life. But apparently i am not prepared to lose Daffyd either right now.
This is all so incredibly ridiculous. I'm ashamed to even write it.
Wednesday, 20 February 2008
Come Alive
I always imagined that if i got pregnant at an inconvenient time then i would quite easily be able to have an abortion. Just because i am selfish and ambitious and i have a defined plan of my life, and babies before the age of twenty five don't feature in it. I am not overly emotional and am very sensible about these things and thought (naively, i suppose) that something like an abortion would never phase me particularly.
Recently i started to think that i were to fall pregnant now, there would really be no excuse to have an abortion, since i am not ridiculously young, i am in a loving relationship and my degree is nearly over. It would be incovenient, and expensive. But not life destroying. And compared to the years of mental anguish and guilt presented by having an abortion, having a baby would be amazing.
My Biomed Case Study this week is about teenage pregnancy. Cue lots of unpleasant reading about abortion, and abortion techniques. Some of these things make my stomach turn and my heart ache.
I'm not going to go all crazy and Pro-Life on you all, but i can honestly say i would never be able to bring myself to abort a child of mine now.
Recently i started to think that i were to fall pregnant now, there would really be no excuse to have an abortion, since i am not ridiculously young, i am in a loving relationship and my degree is nearly over. It would be incovenient, and expensive. But not life destroying. And compared to the years of mental anguish and guilt presented by having an abortion, having a baby would be amazing.
My Biomed Case Study this week is about teenage pregnancy. Cue lots of unpleasant reading about abortion, and abortion techniques. Some of these things make my stomach turn and my heart ache.
I'm not going to go all crazy and Pro-Life on you all, but i can honestly say i would never be able to bring myself to abort a child of mine now.
Saturday, 16 February 2008
Self Preservation
"Don't leave the one you love for the one you like. Because the one you like will leave you for the one they love"
Seems particularly apt.
Seems particularly apt.
Friday, 15 February 2008
Ok, cross that out...
Its difficult to write this without sounding bitter and twisted, so i'm not sure i'm even going to try.
Predictably, Jo got her trainee microbiologist post.
Because Jo is pretty and smiley and nice and chatty and everyone loves her within seconds of meeting her and it wouldn't have mattered if anyone had bothered to tell me about the sodding post because i wouldn't have got it anyway because noone likes me because i'm shit.
Clearly.
I will probably get my first and she probably won't and yet i will most likely have to spend the next ten years sticking labels on bottles waiting for a decent fucking job to turn up while she quite nicely lands a job ten minutes away from her house, first time.
When the fuck am i going to land on my feet?
Excuse me while i go and kill myself.
Predictably, Jo got her trainee microbiologist post.
Because Jo is pretty and smiley and nice and chatty and everyone loves her within seconds of meeting her and it wouldn't have mattered if anyone had bothered to tell me about the sodding post because i wouldn't have got it anyway because noone likes me because i'm shit.
Clearly.
I will probably get my first and she probably won't and yet i will most likely have to spend the next ten years sticking labels on bottles waiting for a decent fucking job to turn up while she quite nicely lands a job ten minutes away from her house, first time.
When the fuck am i going to land on my feet?
Excuse me while i go and kill myself.
Make a note, i am in a good mood!
And it doesn't happen very often!
Got my Clinical Pathology exam result back today... 90 fucking percent- whoop! Not too shabby, especially since i only did three days revision for it!
The Neuroscience ones are not out yet. They are being remarked externally as Knobface head of the module gave out such harsh marks for the essay (though not mine...)and people were complaining about him. I did three weeks revision for that one, but i'm not holding out for an amazing result particularly.
On Wednesday night i received a highly inappropriate Valentine's gift from an even more inappropriate source. So i guess you could say, being sensible isn't working out that well.
And now maybe i should be wallowing in guilt and shame and self loathing. But i'm not particularly. So fuck off.
Got my Clinical Pathology exam result back today... 90 fucking percent- whoop! Not too shabby, especially since i only did three days revision for it!
The Neuroscience ones are not out yet. They are being remarked externally as Knobface head of the module gave out such harsh marks for the essay (though not mine...)and people were complaining about him. I did three weeks revision for that one, but i'm not holding out for an amazing result particularly.
On Wednesday night i received a highly inappropriate Valentine's gift from an even more inappropriate source. So i guess you could say, being sensible isn't working out that well.
And now maybe i should be wallowing in guilt and shame and self loathing. But i'm not particularly. So fuck off.
Monday, 11 February 2008
Hello, sunshine.
It is frosty and freezing, but the sky is clear and the sun is out. And the people of Keele appear to have developed some temporary sunshine induced insanity. I saw a guy walking into town earlier in some cut off trousers, t-shirt and sunglasses... When will these people learn! Sunshine does not equate to warmth. Particularly in the English midlands...
I think i might be getting better! Whoop! I'm not going to speak to soon though...
This weekend at home has been strained and not altogether pleasant. I think i have managed to hold it together just sufficiently to keep The Boy happy.
I haven't seen Daffyd now for four days and haven't spoken to him for two. The last time i did speak to him he was particularly vicious towards me, apparently due to some supposed slight which i thought we had already dealt with. I suspect his behaviour was an attempt on his part to sabotage the friendship in order for him to cut ties, forget about me and carry on as normal. Or that he was jealous that i was at home with The Boy. Or maybe i am just being presumptuous and he was just in a bad mood like he said. He did apologise at least. I'm not sure how things stand between us right now.
Now i really, really need to go and do some work.
I think i might be getting better! Whoop! I'm not going to speak to soon though...
This weekend at home has been strained and not altogether pleasant. I think i have managed to hold it together just sufficiently to keep The Boy happy.
I haven't seen Daffyd now for four days and haven't spoken to him for two. The last time i did speak to him he was particularly vicious towards me, apparently due to some supposed slight which i thought we had already dealt with. I suspect his behaviour was an attempt on his part to sabotage the friendship in order for him to cut ties, forget about me and carry on as normal. Or that he was jealous that i was at home with The Boy. Or maybe i am just being presumptuous and he was just in a bad mood like he said. He did apologise at least. I'm not sure how things stand between us right now.
Now i really, really need to go and do some work.
Thursday, 7 February 2008
Sigh...
I know i'm doing the right thing.
So why do i feel so ridiculously upset about it?
Anyone would think i had feelings for him.
So why do i feel so ridiculously upset about it?
Anyone would think i had feelings for him.
Okay:
The time has come for this insanity to stop.
Dave and I had another, much longer conversation last night, he finally admitted he wasn't happy with his relationship, and it has become increasingly clear that this thing between us is going to get exceptionally out of hand if it isn't nipped in the bud right now.
There is nothing intrinsically wrong with my current relationship with the Boy (apart from, i suppose, the fact that i seem to seek the attention of other men...) I have not spent the last three years striving for the day when we can have a happy normal relationship which isn't defined by the constraints of university to throw it down the drain just as we are reaching the last hurdle. I can't imagine a scenario where i am going to leave Wayne for Dave, and he sure as hell doesn't have the guts to leave Ele, so there is no point in even continuing to agonise ourselves over this.
I highly suspect this is a case of Dave wanting to have his cake and eat it. Or i am just a symptom of his unhappiness with Ele. Whether intentionally or not, he is manipulating me.
For once in my life i am going to listen to the sensible people. I'm just not going to see him alone anymore. This has only been going on for a few days, its not that serious, it will fizzle out in time. Its not something either of us particularly wants, but its what needs to be done.
I don't know who i think i'm trying to kid.
I'm going home tomorrow anyway, so i won't be seeing him again until Tuesday even if i wanted to.
God, i feel so ill.
Dave and I had another, much longer conversation last night, he finally admitted he wasn't happy with his relationship, and it has become increasingly clear that this thing between us is going to get exceptionally out of hand if it isn't nipped in the bud right now.
There is nothing intrinsically wrong with my current relationship with the Boy (apart from, i suppose, the fact that i seem to seek the attention of other men...) I have not spent the last three years striving for the day when we can have a happy normal relationship which isn't defined by the constraints of university to throw it down the drain just as we are reaching the last hurdle. I can't imagine a scenario where i am going to leave Wayne for Dave, and he sure as hell doesn't have the guts to leave Ele, so there is no point in even continuing to agonise ourselves over this.
I highly suspect this is a case of Dave wanting to have his cake and eat it. Or i am just a symptom of his unhappiness with Ele. Whether intentionally or not, he is manipulating me.
For once in my life i am going to listen to the sensible people. I'm just not going to see him alone anymore. This has only been going on for a few days, its not that serious, it will fizzle out in time. Its not something either of us particularly wants, but its what needs to be done.
I don't know who i think i'm trying to kid.
I'm going home tomorrow anyway, so i won't be seeing him again until Tuesday even if i wanted to.
God, i feel so ill.
Tuesday, 5 February 2008
Oh God, how do i get myself into these things...
Dave and I talked about the weekend tonight, briefly.
I asked him outright if his affection was a half arsed attempt at "counselling" me and he said it wasn't. He said he didn't feel like he had to, and therefore we should deduce that he did it because he wanted to. He liked it.
I said i kind of wanted to, too. I liked it. Though neither of us should be liking it.
He said that there was obviously something between us. Which i can't deny. I asked him what that meant. He said he wasn't the cheating type.
Slightly offended at the implication that i was the cheating type, i told him that neither was i (though that may not strictly be true...)
We wondered what this all meant.
He said, at school, there is a poster, with the saying "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" And at the moment, he was just trying to work out what that meant.
I told him to let me know when he found out.
FUCK.
I asked him outright if his affection was a half arsed attempt at "counselling" me and he said it wasn't. He said he didn't feel like he had to, and therefore we should deduce that he did it because he wanted to. He liked it.
I said i kind of wanted to, too. I liked it. Though neither of us should be liking it.
He said that there was obviously something between us. Which i can't deny. I asked him what that meant. He said he wasn't the cheating type.
Slightly offended at the implication that i was the cheating type, i told him that neither was i (though that may not strictly be true...)
We wondered what this all meant.
He said, at school, there is a poster, with the saying "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" And at the moment, he was just trying to work out what that meant.
I told him to let me know when he found out.
FUCK.
Sunday, 3 February 2008
Matthew and Daffyd
Once upon a time, i had a guitar teacher called Matt. He was all dark and brooding, angular and indie. A bit alternative. He was interesting, thoughtful and had the kind of dry, subtle sense of humour that i love. He was, in essence, exactly the sort of man i always wanted and thought i would be with. I was attracted to him initially, though it was nothing serious.
As time went on, we got to know each other better and we became good friends. I developed a bit of a crush on him. This crush turned into one of those breathless, obsessive, all consuming things. I began to persue him, engineer circumstances to get close to him. It worked, sort of. We spent a night together. Not having sex, or even kissing properly. Just snuggling up, i suppose. He got the picture anyway.
The only problem with all this, is that at the time i was in fact two years into a relationship with The Boy.
For a little while, i lost my mind, and it appeared i was actually going to give everything i had built with him up for Matt.
Of course, Matt turned out to be even more weasely and conniving than i was being, and all thoughts of friendship, never mind a relationship went down the drain.
I told The Boy, because i was consumed by a nervous guilt. I don't know who i thought i would be making feel better by telling him, but i did anyway. It was horrible for a while, but it worked out in the end. I've subsequently managed to convince myself that it was an exercise in getting even if nothing else, after an incident earlier in the relationship... which is a whole other diary entry...
So, i suppose, if you believe in the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater", then i am in fact a cheater.
Now onto Daffyd. Dave has never really tried to make any secret of the fact that he would dearly love to shag me senseless. He tells me how beautiful and funny he thinks i am on many an occasion.
Now, we all know how anorexic my self esteem is. I spent a very long time being very unattractive and being told what a horrible nasty person i was, on a daily basis. Even now, i find it very difficult to believe people when they tell me they think i'm good looking, or that they like me for x/y/z reason. But i enjoy the attention. I enjoy Dave's attention. Perhaps i feel the only way i can now compound my self esteem is from male attention. I don't know.
Recently, i've found myself being increasingly attracted to Dave. It might be the attention, i don't know. He is a nice enough guy, funny, reasonably looking.
On Friday night, Ruth, Dave and I went to the Sugar Mill to see a friend of ours' band play. After the gig, we all went back to Roo's and chatted for a while. After Roo went to bed, Dave and I went down to his room, since neither of us were tired, and sat up chatting until about 4am.
On Saturday morning, i went round to Dave's take a hoodie back that he lent me to walk home in. Due to my continuing illness and boredom, and the fact that both Roo and Katie were both away, i ended up spending the whole day, and most of the night with him.
Today i went to Kidsgrove to watch the Korf match, as i was too ill to play. Afterwards i went back to Dave's flat to see Roo. Roo wasn't in, so i ended up going down to Dave's room and spending another four hours with him. Then we went out to the Union to watch the Open Mic night, with a few of the Korfers.
All in all, i think i've spent about 25 hours with him over the entire weekend.
Dave snuggles up to me. He strokes my face and my hair and puts his arms round me. And i let him. And now i feel intensely guilty.
Its not so much that i think i'm cheating. We are good friends after all. There's nothing wrong with being affectionate. But its definitely double standards. If i knew the Boy was doing the same thing with another women, i'd be pretty upset. And its not the fact that we did it, its where it might all be leading that worries me. I'm not known for my self control.
Dave has a very strange relationship with his girlfriend. A few years ago, she was raped. Dealing with it led to self harming problems, anorexia, bulimia, alcoholism and being a beaten girlfriend. She latched onto Dave, and he took it upon himself to "cure" all her problems by acting as her personal counseller/ psychotherapist. They got together when Dave decided one day that they should, just to stop her from dating other violent men. He told me that he loves her and he has accepted that their relationship is forever now, he feels personal responsibility for her as apparently she has none for herself and ending it would result in her committing suicide. Even if he didn't love her, he would feel personally responsible for her death, and so would never leave her. Which seems a very bizarre set- up to me. I have heard previously from other friends that she is reknowned for her attention seeking, and suggestions that some of her problems are more like "problems". I don't think i am jaded enough to believe that someone would be capable of making all those things up though. I highly suspect he isn't as happy with her as he claims. I know for a fact that he used to have a slight infatuation with Ruth, and went as far as to ask Katie if she thought he had any chance with her.
Dave seems to now have an image of himself as the world's personal counselling service. I'm not sure if thats what his attention to me is- counselling. If he's doing it because he thinks i need it. Or because he wishes i was Ruth. Or if he wants it.
It shouldn't really matter to me, should it?
My attraction increases, and this really smacks of a "Matt-situation".
Am i really going to betray the person who loves me, for a second time? Am i really that selfish and immature?
I really dislike myself sometimes.
As time went on, we got to know each other better and we became good friends. I developed a bit of a crush on him. This crush turned into one of those breathless, obsessive, all consuming things. I began to persue him, engineer circumstances to get close to him. It worked, sort of. We spent a night together. Not having sex, or even kissing properly. Just snuggling up, i suppose. He got the picture anyway.
The only problem with all this, is that at the time i was in fact two years into a relationship with The Boy.
For a little while, i lost my mind, and it appeared i was actually going to give everything i had built with him up for Matt.
Of course, Matt turned out to be even more weasely and conniving than i was being, and all thoughts of friendship, never mind a relationship went down the drain.
I told The Boy, because i was consumed by a nervous guilt. I don't know who i thought i would be making feel better by telling him, but i did anyway. It was horrible for a while, but it worked out in the end. I've subsequently managed to convince myself that it was an exercise in getting even if nothing else, after an incident earlier in the relationship... which is a whole other diary entry...
So, i suppose, if you believe in the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater", then i am in fact a cheater.
Now onto Daffyd. Dave has never really tried to make any secret of the fact that he would dearly love to shag me senseless. He tells me how beautiful and funny he thinks i am on many an occasion.
Now, we all know how anorexic my self esteem is. I spent a very long time being very unattractive and being told what a horrible nasty person i was, on a daily basis. Even now, i find it very difficult to believe people when they tell me they think i'm good looking, or that they like me for x/y/z reason. But i enjoy the attention. I enjoy Dave's attention. Perhaps i feel the only way i can now compound my self esteem is from male attention. I don't know.
Recently, i've found myself being increasingly attracted to Dave. It might be the attention, i don't know. He is a nice enough guy, funny, reasonably looking.
On Friday night, Ruth, Dave and I went to the Sugar Mill to see a friend of ours' band play. After the gig, we all went back to Roo's and chatted for a while. After Roo went to bed, Dave and I went down to his room, since neither of us were tired, and sat up chatting until about 4am.
On Saturday morning, i went round to Dave's take a hoodie back that he lent me to walk home in. Due to my continuing illness and boredom, and the fact that both Roo and Katie were both away, i ended up spending the whole day, and most of the night with him.
Today i went to Kidsgrove to watch the Korf match, as i was too ill to play. Afterwards i went back to Dave's flat to see Roo. Roo wasn't in, so i ended up going down to Dave's room and spending another four hours with him. Then we went out to the Union to watch the Open Mic night, with a few of the Korfers.
All in all, i think i've spent about 25 hours with him over the entire weekend.
Dave snuggles up to me. He strokes my face and my hair and puts his arms round me. And i let him. And now i feel intensely guilty.
Its not so much that i think i'm cheating. We are good friends after all. There's nothing wrong with being affectionate. But its definitely double standards. If i knew the Boy was doing the same thing with another women, i'd be pretty upset. And its not the fact that we did it, its where it might all be leading that worries me. I'm not known for my self control.
Dave has a very strange relationship with his girlfriend. A few years ago, she was raped. Dealing with it led to self harming problems, anorexia, bulimia, alcoholism and being a beaten girlfriend. She latched onto Dave, and he took it upon himself to "cure" all her problems by acting as her personal counseller/ psychotherapist. They got together when Dave decided one day that they should, just to stop her from dating other violent men. He told me that he loves her and he has accepted that their relationship is forever now, he feels personal responsibility for her as apparently she has none for herself and ending it would result in her committing suicide. Even if he didn't love her, he would feel personally responsible for her death, and so would never leave her. Which seems a very bizarre set- up to me. I have heard previously from other friends that she is reknowned for her attention seeking, and suggestions that some of her problems are more like "problems". I don't think i am jaded enough to believe that someone would be capable of making all those things up though. I highly suspect he isn't as happy with her as he claims. I know for a fact that he used to have a slight infatuation with Ruth, and went as far as to ask Katie if she thought he had any chance with her.
Dave seems to now have an image of himself as the world's personal counselling service. I'm not sure if thats what his attention to me is- counselling. If he's doing it because he thinks i need it. Or because he wishes i was Ruth. Or if he wants it.
It shouldn't really matter to me, should it?
My attraction increases, and this really smacks of a "Matt-situation".
Am i really going to betray the person who loves me, for a second time? Am i really that selfish and immature?
I really dislike myself sometimes.
Friday, 1 February 2008
Oh holy mongoose!
Its February!
My projects are due in on the 13th of March, which is in 6 weeks...
The last time i checked, the 13th of March was about 5 months away!
Bugger.
I went to the doctor today about my poor stomach. He seemed unimpressed. It appears i may not have AIDs/ cholera/ noravirus/ concealed pregnancy... as previously suspected.
The Boy is annoying me. He is sulking because i told him off for not going into work again today- apparently the tendonitis in his groin is playing him up. Something about his current workplace makes him a little bipolar, one minute he loves it, the next minute he hates it and wants to leave. He is currently in a hating phase. The company however, adore him, and are pretty keen to promote him to management. I think the shop had a bad week last week and now his manager is taking it out on him. He has been accused of taking a step backwards recently, which presumably means his promotion is drifting out of view... Being off "ill" constantly (i.e. twice a month) isn't going to be helping his case. He has an awful track record of never staying in a job longer than a couple of years maximum; something always seems to go wrong and he is "forced out". I have always been sympathetic in the past, but it has been in the back of my mind that as the only common denominator, perhaps the problem lay with him. Surely its going to get to a point where noone wants to employ him? But i'm a nice, supportive girlfriend, so i never said. I'm thinking it again now though.
I could be incredibly premature and bunny boiler-esque and say: "Oh my god, how is a man who can't keep a job for five minutes going to support me and our children for the rest of our lives!?"
But i'm not. So i won't...
My projects are due in on the 13th of March, which is in 6 weeks...
The last time i checked, the 13th of March was about 5 months away!
Bugger.
I went to the doctor today about my poor stomach. He seemed unimpressed. It appears i may not have AIDs/ cholera/ noravirus/ concealed pregnancy... as previously suspected.
The Boy is annoying me. He is sulking because i told him off for not going into work again today- apparently the tendonitis in his groin is playing him up. Something about his current workplace makes him a little bipolar, one minute he loves it, the next minute he hates it and wants to leave. He is currently in a hating phase. The company however, adore him, and are pretty keen to promote him to management. I think the shop had a bad week last week and now his manager is taking it out on him. He has been accused of taking a step backwards recently, which presumably means his promotion is drifting out of view... Being off "ill" constantly (i.e. twice a month) isn't going to be helping his case. He has an awful track record of never staying in a job longer than a couple of years maximum; something always seems to go wrong and he is "forced out". I have always been sympathetic in the past, but it has been in the back of my mind that as the only common denominator, perhaps the problem lay with him. Surely its going to get to a point where noone wants to employ him? But i'm a nice, supportive girlfriend, so i never said. I'm thinking it again now though.
I could be incredibly premature and bunny boiler-esque and say: "Oh my god, how is a man who can't keep a job for five minutes going to support me and our children for the rest of our lives!?"
But i'm not. So i won't...
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