That Sunday Feeling...

My God i hate being a woman sometimes. I shall spare you all the unpleasant reasons behind my wish for gender reassignment right now however.

I just walked all the way to the library to photocopy an article for my Neuroscience essay... only to discover that the archives don't go back far enough, so they don't actually have a copy of the article... Trés annoying. I may have to pay a visit to the health library on Tuesday, though i'm not entirely sure if they will have it either...

I have finished my pancreatitis project draft- woot!

I'm so bored. I hate weekends.

Tom and Becca came down for a visit on Friday, for Becca's birthday, and so much fun was had dancing in the Union on Friday night.

Becca was one of the very first people i ever spoke to when i got to Keele, yet after the first few weeks we hardly spoke to each other. Our friendship was only rekindled last year, due to our mutual friendship with M and Roo. In hindsight, i wish i had made more effort with Becca, and in fact just made more effort to be sociable in general. Had i not spent my first couple of years here wallowing in the depths of depression, i might have had a greatly expanded social network and got to know some people who i hold merely as aquaintances a whole lot better.

I wish i was more articulate, so that i could explain myself better.

Irritated...

I really need to start thinking of more imaginative titles for my posts...

The internet is being exceptionally slow and shit today, which is pissing me off.

Yesterday i went in to the hospital to discover that there were no samples for me again. Which i am less than impressed by. Its not even as if there literally were no patients to take samples from- i spent a couple of hours in specimen reception this week and last week, and saw at least four serum amylase requests each time. At a rate of four every two hours, i could complete the whole bloody trial in one day, instead of stretching it out over the whole semester... If anyone ever bothers sending the urine samples that is... Its not as though its something i'm putting them out for either! The consultant in A&E wanted this trial doing! Yargh. I refused to spend six hours at the hospital doing nothing, so i came home at about half 11, and futzed around for the rest of the day. Joey and I had drinks and a long chat at The Orange Tree in the evening.

Spoke to Abbie briefly on MSN last night, and she seemed happy enough, having spent the day with her friends. I can't imagine Mum was very happy about her being out with Kayleigh-The-Bad-Influence again, but i am glad she is taking the psychologists advice at least.

Still in a confuddled state about the whole thing. I spent most of the day with her on Monday, shopping and chatting. Bullied her into eating some chips. Mum said she seemed a lot brighter afterwards. I should spend more time with her. Guilt...

I miss The Boy a lot. The weekend was rather strange and disjointed, and so we didn't really get to spend as much time solidly together as i would have liked. Half of the time we did spend together we spent arguing. Or me crying, and us not having sex. To be fair, i haven't exactly been difficult to upset/ annoy recently on account of my increasing stress levels... I shouldn't have taken it out on him.

(He did start an argument with me in the middle of an Indian restaurant about M however, which he fully deserved to be shouted at about... but thats a whole other blog entry...)

Saw a lot of Dad and Maddie this weekend, which was nice. I hardly ever get to see them, which is a bit rubbish. I should make more effort really.

I totally buggered up my budget this weekend also, by "accidentally" spending 50 quid on Elle McPherson underwear, and then since i was in the swing of shopping and had already made a mess of the finances, i bought a jumper from Topshop as well. I was doing so well as well. Sigh.

It is exceptionally nice underwear though. And i never usually have expensive underwear.

I might take the jumper back. I haven't decided yet. Its sitting in the wardrobe, awaiting its fate.

I shop to make me feel better about myself, but then always end up feeling worse with the guilt. Is that an addiction? I don't know.

I need to go to my meeting with my dissertation tutor woman now. She insists on me seeing her every week, but since i'm only in the research stage and i don't really know where she wants me to take the thing, i never have any idea what she wants to talk about. The complement system is infintely boring. Methinks i should have chosen my title more carefully...

Muddled...

Just got back to Keele after an extended weekend at home. I am feeling that blah-y way that i always feel when i'm here after a while away.

The weekend has been strange. After worrying so much about Abbie all week, i was a little annoyed to get home on Thursday night and find that everyone was just acting as though nothing had happened, and Abbie herself barely acknowledged my presence.

On Friday i went to Abbie's first appointment with the psychologist, with Mum and Dad. The psychologist asked about lots of generic psychologist things, like how long my Mum and Dad had been divorced, had there been any traumatic or significant events lately, etc. Mum was finally forced to admit to suffering from depression, and i was momentarily terrified that i would have to do the same.

I wasn't awfully impressed with the psychologist. She seems very overly focussed on the issue of Abbie's alcohol drinking. Ok, drinking at 15 is not exactly ideal, but lets be honest here, everyone does it. It doesn't mean we're all destined for a life of AA meetings. The events of last weekend were disturbing and unpleasant, but not a commentary on my sister's mental state as a whole. On finding out that Mum's father was an alcoholic, the psychologist took it upon herself to tell Abbie that she was in danger of dying as an alcoholic also. Which seems more like scare-mongering than counselling to me.

On the other hand, she did confirm my thoughts that Abbie's self harm problem, is more like a "self harm problem". Something quite superficial and not really to be worried about. Incidentally, having seen the cuts for myself, i can say that Mum was definitely exaggerating...

My biggest gripe with the psychologist, is the fact that she refuses to address Abbie's biggest problem in my mind, which is the fact that she no longer eats anything.

"Abbie doesn't want to talk about it, so we're not going to"

I'm no psychologist... but how the hell does that make any sense whatsoever!? Surely that just proves that the problem exists in the first place, thus highlighting the need for it to be addressed? Euch.

She even fucking told Mum that Abbie is already in the peripheral stages of an eating disorder. Her extreme sensitivity to the cold is a key sign that her body is beginning to "shut down".

That phrase has haunted me for the entire weekend. Body shutting down equates to the beginning of the end in my mind. Maybe i'm being over dramatic, but i can't shake off that thought. I don't want my baby sister to shut down.

I just can't get through to her that however miserable she feels now, it is nothing compared to how bad she is going to feel in ten/ twenty/ thirty years time when she is dealing with the consequences of starving herself.

To conclude, the psychologist handed out lots of advice which i should imagine seems rather counter-intuitive from my parents' point of view, like not to punish her, or stop her from going out with the bad influence friends to the places she usually goes to drink...

I can see her point. Despite my outrage, i am reluctant to force the issue with Abbie about exactly what kind of friends stand by and allow you to drink yourself into oblivion, and then not even hang around to deal with the aftermath... i don't want to make her feel more depressed by implying that her friends are not really friends, and that in reality she has no meaningful relationships. But i think Mum and Dad found it difficult to swallow.

Mum is, as usual, determined to take everything personally. According to her, the psycholgist is blaming the whole thing on her.

Listening to Mum lie about exactly how much alcohol she drinks in one week, proves to me that i'm right to be concerned about her in that respect... but thats an issue for another diary entry. She's by no means an alcoholic. And as contradictory as it sounds, i don't think her alcohol consumption is at the bottom of Abbie's problems.

Abbie told me that the psychologist thinks she is depressed. That, i can accept. The rest... meh.

My head is in a muddle, so i'm going to stop now.

I don't want to go to the hospital tomorrow...

Drama

This has been a weekend of revelations...

On Saturday on the way back from Lancaster (yes i did go to the tournament- and it was shit...), Mum text me to tell me that the police had rung her because they had picked up my middle-ing sister Abbie, drunk, in Leeds. I wasn't overly concerned, since i already knew she had been drinking a little in Leeds with her friends for the past few weekends and it seemed harmless enough. I assumed the police had raided the Corn Exchange, where they hang out, to give all the kids a bit of a scare, since its notorious for under-age drinkers.

In actuality, the police had called an ambulance, because she was so very drunk. Her so called "friends" all ran off and left her. When i finally managed to get in touch with Mum again, a good few hours later she told me that Abbie had been admitted to the hospital after the doctors found apparently self inflicted razor blade cuts on her arms. She told Mum she had done it because she was so unhappy.

I was beside myself. I just couldn't believe it. I know she is going through some "Emo" phase, and its cool to be depressed and dark. I even know that she's carved things into her arms with compass points before now in a fit of generic adolescent drama. But razor blades? I can't even begin to imagine how, or why. According to Mum, the injuries look horrific.

I felt so incredibly guilty. I know favourite sisters shouldn't exist, but she is mine. I love her so much, and for her to have been so unhappy and me to not even have known is just unthinkable. I thought we were close. I know i don't spend as much time with her as i should. Even when i'm not at Uni, i'm always with The Boy or somewhere else. And that's so selfish of me, i know it is. I know she doesn't have a good time at home, and i should have been there for her more. The thought of her in hospital on her own all night, and feeling so poorly just made me cry. I know it was her own fault, but still.

She wasn't allowed to be discharged on Sunday until she had seen a children's mental health team.

Speaking to her about it yesterday, when she had got home from the hospital, it appears the whole drama was over a boy. This boy she had been "going out with" and thought she was in love with had dumped her (she bearly eats anymore, on account of her massively distorted body image, and apparently tried to make herself sick the other day, which is why he ended it) and now has another girlfriend. Hence why she was drinking so heavily on Saturday. Apparently she drank three bottles of wine... three. She's fifteen! I can't even drink one. She drank so much, her body went into shock- she had a irregular heart rhythm- the paramedics thought she had taken drugs... I can't even begin to imagine how ill she must have felt. I suppose at least it has taught her a lesson about alcohol, that noone else could ever have taught her. Hopefully she will stay away from it for a good few years now.

I asked her about the cutting, if she was doing it for attention. She said she had been doing at first, but now it just felt like something she "had to do" when she had a problem she didn't want to talk about. I'm finding it hard to know what i believe. Part of me thinks she might well have a serious problem. She obviously didn't intend on getting found out, and only the fact that she got so drunk she had to go to hospital led to anyone noticing. But then, another part of me think she is doing what she thinks "Emo's" should do. Its like a trend. She's learnt it. Its not an innate urge.

I don't know.

Knowing what i know about myself, her, and our family, i know she is unhappy beyond her adolescent love-life. I strongly suspect a part of her, however small, has done this for the attention. Typically, my parents are brushing the whole thing under the carpet already. Neither of them has bothered to try and talk to her about it, which is infuriating me. And she refuses to talk to them. Which is fair enough. They're my parents too, i know how bloody unapproachable they are.

I just worry this will escalate out of control, without some kind of intervention. I have tried talking to her but she's so fucking nonchalant about the whole thing somehow, i just want to slap her. I desperately want to help her. I don't want her to be as miserable as i know i have been. But she just seems to see it as no big deal. Even when i try to explain to her exactly how much damage she is doing her body by not eating, she just shrugs it off. Infuriating.

Maybe it is no big deal. Maybe it was a moment of adolescent madness and i'm just projecting my own neuroses onto her as some kind of explanation for her behaviour. But i just can't see it. I'm sure its more serious than she's letting on.

I just want to go home and hug her.

Anticlimax...

He's gone now : (

I knew this was going to happen. I waited so long to see him, and built it up so much. And then the time he was here just flew by. It seemed as though he'd barely arrived when he had to leave again.

On Tuesday night i cooked tea for him, and we went out for drinks with Katie and Roo. Wednesday we got up late, futzed around. He spent fucking hours setting up my new printer... which i was less than happy about. When he was finally ready we went into town for a bit. Came back and had tea and wine, and then went to the KPA with Katie and corridor-Michael, and drank more wine. Roo and the Castle Korfballers were there after while too. It was a good laugh, and i love the way he so easily mixes with my friends. He's so funny and likeable.

Wasn't intending on sharing him quite so much while he was here, but hey ho.

I managed to ruin any attempts at passionate sex, but i can't even be bothered to talk about that right now. Lets just leave it at: I'm a fucking psycho.

I went to my nine o'clock this morning, yawned most of the way through it, and then came home and went back to bed until 12. As such, it is nearly 2 o'clock, and i have done absolutely nothing useful at all today. I'm so bloody stressed about my project draft. But not stressed enough to actually do any work on it apparently... Sigh.

I have to go to a Korfball tournament on Saturday, which involves setting off from Keele at 6.45am. I think the chances of that happening are less than slim. It is a Fresher's tournament, and i'm not a bloody Fresher, so its not like theres any need for me to go. I should go really, its not like i have anything better to do... I'll probably have fun when i get there. I just can't face the idea of being awake at that time.

I also realised while The Boy was here that we're going to be in London for Karl's birthday on the 17th of November... which is also the date of the Korfball regionals in Leeds. I fear this is going to make me exceptionally unpopular tonight...

Ah well.

Going to see Joey's new kitten George this afternoon : )

Back to counting down the days...

Procrastination...

I should be making some kind of effort to start the introduction for my experimental project, which my superviser wants a draft of in three weeks... But the research is a bitch, and i have no motivation whatsoever to work at the moment.

I'm not feeling very well, mentally or physically. I still have the beginnings of my flu, which has neither grown into real flu nor disappeared. So i'm just in an irritating state of flu-y limbo. I also had a rather revolting stomach disturbance on Saturday night... which i'm still feeling a little delicate from. I'm ridiculously anxious at the moment, about nothing in particular. To the point where its actually painful, and no matter how deeply i breath, i can't get rid of the sicky achey feeling in my chest and throat. I couldn't sleep last night because of it, so was completely shattered this morning, and only vaguely managed to tune into my lecture. Which is a shame because i like that module.

I'm in sort of a "hate my face/ body/ wardrobe" mode again as well.

Hopefully once i've seen the boy i will feel better. He is off work ill again today with some kind of throat problem. I do worry about him losing his job again. He can be so lax sometimes. I am contemplating going home instead of him coming here. If i'd have gone after my lecture we would have had an extra day and night together, and i could have "nursed" him back to health. As it is, i have been my usual indecisive self, and so even if i stopped dithering and went now, by the time i got home it would be bedtime, and we would only have an extra couple of hours together. Sigh. I am so looking forward to him being here, but it is tainted in a way, by the fact that he will only be here a day, and it will fly by. I don't know when i'll be seeing him again after Wednesday : ( I'm dreading that part.

Am i pathetic?

OK, i am going to do work now.

The Morning After the Night Before...

I am forced to eat my words now, and say that last night was actually awesome.

Me and Maz ended up being dragged to Korfball training at 8, even though i wasn't planning to go and she had no kit. Afterwards we had to race home and get showered and ready for the union and ended up in there at about 11. Me, Maz, Becca, Phil, The Corridor Mate Michael, Gill and Charlie (who invited herself...) were out, and much laughing, drinking and crazy dancing occurred. After the union we all went back to Gill's Z shed and drank vodka in her kitchen until 4. Gill was wasted and attempting to grill waffles until i restrained her... Afterwards Maz and I staggered back here and crashed out. Awesomeness.

Michael The Corridor Mate is a GIANT flirt. Gill blatantly fancies the arse off him, and i gather there is some history between him and Charlie, so it was rather amusing watching them vying for his attention all night, and Michael feeling them both up alternately, oblivious... He flirts with me pretty outrageously as well. I thought previously that i was probably just being a bit big headed... but last night in response to my "its really hot in here" commment, he said "no, that's just you..."

Euch.

Where do men get this shit from!?

The worst of it is that Michael has a girlfriend, a medical student called Trudi. Saying that, i have only seen her once in a fortnight of being here. And he never goes out with her, since he's always out with Phil and the Korfball club!

I'm slightly concerned at how easy it is for me to forget i have a long term partner, who i adore and who adores me, in the face of male attention and alcohol. Michael is a nice, funny guy, but pretty vile, in the harsh sober light of day... Yet last night i was, not contemplating, that's the wrong word, but seriously imagining going to bed with him. I could even imagine the guilt in the morning. I could put it down to being drunk and horny, but i'd be lying if i said it hadn't happened before. In a strange way, i think its part of missing the boy. I crave attention and affection from him when he's not around, the feeling of which is enhanced when i'm drunk. And obviously i'm happy to accept this affection from anyone! Well, i don't think thats entirely true. I never would cheat on him, i love him, we've been there, it was horrible, and there's just no need for it! I suppose sometimes i worry that me feeling like this means i'm not mature enough for the way our relationship is going, and that imminently, i'm going to fuck the whole thing up, by being a selfish, immature little bitch (again).

Sigh. Why do i feel the need to finger the self destruct button, constantly?

This morning when Maz and I got up we had breakfast in the kitchen with Phil. Becca, Gill and Michael came round, and it was all rather sociable. Bedroom doors were open and everything! I think this corridor has the potential to improve. Heather and Andy couldn't come last night which was a shame. Might have helped the whole bonding process. An in-depth debrief of last night occured, which is always the best part of going out i think. Maz went off to get her train about lunch time and the rest all buggered off to the pub to watch some football match. I didn't go because i hadn't actually had a chance to get dressed on account of all the visitors... plus i don't really like football. Wish i had gone now though as i'm pretty bored.

Only three more sleeps until the boy gets here!

Am addicted to Kate Nash's album at the moment. Boy will be cross.

Bleurgh...

I have got the beginnings of Fresher's flu, damnit.

I always thought it was rather unfair calling it Fresher's flu and pinning all the blame on them. It is sort of an amalgamation of everyones' germs. I've had it every year since i got here and i've only been a Fresher once!

Anyway.

Maz, one of my old flatmates is coming down for the weekend, and will be here shortly. It'll be nice to see her again, though i must admit i'm not feeling hugely excited about going out to the union tonight. I don't particularly like Maz's circle of friends, and neither Roo or Katie are here for moral support... i have the feeling its going to be a very long night...

I'm still fuming about the NightLine thing. I've had this awful niggly feeling about it ever since i got back from the meeting the other day. I keep expecting a nasty email everytime i open my inbox, for some reason.

I don't really have anything interesting to say.

Suspended...

Well.

I have been suspended from NightLine for "breaching confidentiality"

I'm far from impressed.

I'm not going to lie to anyone and say i have never mentioned anything about NightLine to anyone ever... but the fact that i apparently have been shouting from the rooftops about one of out regular callers is just total bollocks.

I know exactly which caller they are referring to, there is only one i have really spoken to anyone about. But the only people i have spoken to it about are either: a) part of NightLine, b) The Boy (who lives 100 miles aways...) or c) Have left Keele.

I did talk to Katie about it the other day, briefly. I'm wondering if she told Ann about it, and its Ann who has grassed me up. If it was then she can stick her friendship attempts up her fecking arse, the silly cow. I can't think of any other way it would have gotten back to Amy and Ollie, the co-ordinators. And even if that is what happened... that is hardly "all the way around campus", now is it.

I wish i'd remembered these things when i was talking to them about it.

There's something about being told off by some prissy do-gooders who are two years younger than me, which does not sit well.

Argh.

I miss Wayne.

Dying...

Just finished dying my hair. It is now one lovely chocolatey brown colour, as opposed to the previous three (blonde/ faded chestnutty brown/ dark brown). It looked pretty shocking, i can tell you.

Today i didn't wake up until one o'clock, and since its my day off i have bugger all to do. I'm really quite bored and blatantly not going to get any sleep tonight... I have a nine o'clock tomorrow though, so getting up for that will hopefully reset my sleep clock thingy. Its in the morgue in the medical school, chopping up brains, which should be excellent! My project tutors finally got round to replying to my emails this morning as well, so i suppose i could do some project type reseach today in preperation for our meeting. It might help if i actually had something intelligent to say for once.

Last night was the first Korfball social of the year. Not a particularly successful one either. Only two of the new people who came to training on Thursday turned up, and since one of them is already friends with two fifths of the committee and fairly outgoing anyway, it didn't really make life very easy for the other guy who is a Fresher, and very shy. We spent most of the evening playing "I have never" which got pretty dull after about half a second since all the questions were about sex... Gill was getting on my tits as well. She's so fucking moody, i can't tell whether she likes me from one minute to the next. Although there's no reason why she shouldn't. I spent most of the evening forcing myself to laugh, which gets pretty tiring after a while, and trying valiantly to make conversation with Becca, who has all the personality of a half defrosted fish finger... and Gill, who just blows hot and cold with me, as i said.

I think there's every possibility that Keele Korfball may fold this year, not so much because we barely have a team, but because as a committe, we don't know each other particularly well or get on that amazingly. Gill and Phil, the captain and vice captain have known each other for the longest and so they're ok. Gill is a moody cow as i said. Phil is ok i suppose, but damned hard work to talk to. Becca the social sec is nice enough, but there's something about her thats incredibly strange, and i just can't place it. Plus she's Phil's girlfriend. Charlie the "first team captain" (i say "first team captain" rather than first team captain, since she only got the position because there was noone else to do it, and she can barely play...) is a knob. Everyone hates Charlie. Which is a little unfortunate. I can't imagine that all the time we are going to have to spend in socials and at tournaments is going to fly by... Though i suppose its early days.

After the "social" i went into the Union for Manic Mondays with Katie and Roo, which has gone all indie and weird for some reason. Katie was flirting outrageously with half of Roo's male housemates, despite spending two thirds of her time since she got here telling us all how amazing her new boyfriend is... so me and Roo got bored, gave it up as a bad job and went back to hers for a cup of tea and a gossip/ bitch. It was nice to have her to myself again for a little while. Katie's lovely but she can be hard work.

God, i just bitch about everyone. I'm so going to hell.

One of the guys who lives in the corridor came out with us last night, and he seems really funny. Even though he does hide in his room all the time.

Ann rang me on Sunday night in tears, to tell me her mother is an alcoholic, who's spent the past three years dumping on her and that she had just sent her an email telling her she never wanted to speak to her again... and would i come over... I felt a little bad telling her that i'd had arranged to meet Joey weeks ago and that i was going to the pub... I went over to hers after finishing with Jo though. We chatted for a few hours about stuff. She told me a lot of quite personal things i didn't know, and i felt really bad for her. I'm such a bad counsellor... She said it helped though. I feel a little strange about it all though. I barely know her, and quite why i would be the first person she rings in a crisis is beyond me. She must have closer friends than me, surely. I know she thinks of herself as really unsociable and that she doesn't have a huge amount of friends... but still. I found it hard to feel hugely guilty about not cancelling my plans and rushing immediately to her aid, when we are hardly even friends... I am enjoying getting to know her better and spending more time with her, but its all just a bit much. She wanted us to go out for a meal tonight, just the two of us. Not feeling too confident that i could stretch out a conversation with her for that long, i made some excuse about money. Guilt again though. She's latched on to me good and proper.

Jo and Dave had a really bad argument on Saturday night. I'm ashamed to say that it makes me feel better about myself that they did. Sometimes Jo is so bloody perfect with her brazillian waxes, stylish clothes and grown up relationship, that i want to explode with jealous rage... But it certainly seems as though the Jo and Dave bubble is about to burst, from what she told me on Sunday night. I hope they work it out though. They are a good couple. And i do love Jo, beyond the life-envy...

In less bitchy-moany news- The Boy is coming down on Tuesday! Woohoo! I can't wait.