Wow so I have been pretty lax with my updating again… Not that anyone much cares, I suspect!
I have had a really lovely couple of days. After spending a week at home recovering from the post exam dissertation slog, I came back to uni for Joey’s birthday outing this Friday as promised. I have to admit I wasn’t much looking forward to going, but I ended up having an ace time. I was once again shamed for my frequent episodes of Jo related bitterness by Jo’s boyfriend Dave, who thanked me drunkenly and profusely for coming out, telling me “everyday I hear something about you Rach, I’m so glad she’s got you”.
Bless.
Woke up on Saturday morning feeling massively hungover and spent most of the day tarting around doing nothing in particular. The weather has been glorious for the past week or so, so on Saturday night Dave and Alex built the barbeque in a manly fashion and me, Katie and the majority of the residents of the PGCE block spent the evening eating burgers, drinking alcohol, playing football and just generally enjoying the nice weather. Oh, and talking about being teachers…. (not me and Katie though….)
On Sunday, Dave woke me up at some ungodly hour and we prepared food to go on a picnic. We spent the day at Trentham Gardens, eating, lounging around sunbathing, people watching etc. We had a really lovely time together. Shockingly.
I now have some rather fetching sunburn. Red and white and stripey, it’s a good look.
Monday was another impromptu barbeque, this time with Roo in attendance and yesterday Dave and I spent together doing nothing in particular again….
Anyway. I have now officially finished university. I successfully managed to write my dissertation and some other awful biochemistry literature review thing in five days, so as of the first of May 2008, everything was done and handed in. Finito. Woop. What an immense feeling of relief that was. Though naturally, me being me, the exuberance wore off very quickly, once I got bored of having nothing to do.
So now I have to join the real world. Which is upsetting to say the least. I have a job interview next Friday for an immunology post at a hospital not too far from home. Immunology isn’t microbiology, but it’s always been a toss up between the two disciplines to be fair. I would really really really like this job. So fingers crossed.
In less sensible news, I have no idea who my boyfriend is, and it seems unlikely that I ever will. The Boy and I have been apart for about six seven eight weeks… I don’t even know. Daffyd and I have been “seeing” each other pretty much the whole time since then. Things were a little rough at first and seemed much more difficult than they should have been. I at one point came to the conclusion that things weren’t going to work with him and was going to finish it. But in hindsight, it was a stressful time of exams and work and breaking up with people and rumours and gossiping and… yeah. Whatever. Things started being nice again, I was too much of a chicken to end things and so… it would appear we’re “in a relationship” as Facebastard would say. The thing is, The Boy is still desperate to try things again. I’m in two minds. When things were horrible with Daffyd, the temptation to go running back was immense. I would ring him and we would chat and it’d be nice. Whilst at home last week I spent a little time with him. Things were easy and comfortable and do-able, I suppose. But it doesn’t feel the same. I am terrified by the prospect of not loving him anymore.
There is only one actual solution to this problem, and that is to have neither of them. I am never going to decide who I want and it’s not even fair that I should be allowed to. I always want the one I’m not with and as a consequence am constantly flitting backwards and forwards between them, forming no meaningful commitment to either of them. Everytime I have a nice day with one, I decide upon them… until the next time I have a nice day with the other one… I have possibly managed to build myself the “perfect relationship”. The conversation, laughter and convenience of The Boy, and the sex, excitement and alternate convenience of Daffyd. Of course, if I truly liked either of them, I wouldn’t be able to behave this way, would I?
But being single is not an attractive option. In my head it is a fabulous meld of Sex and The City and Bridget Jones- all expensive shoes and drinking too much wine. But the harsh reality is that I have no friends, no job, no money, nowhere to live and family that annoy me. So…
Am tempted to give things a try with The Boy again. Three years is a long time and its not like I will have lost anything through trying (except Daffyd… but then is he really likely to be a forever thing anyway…?). If only I could make myself feel the way I felt about him just a few months ago. But then I have lovely days with Dave, and I think “this could work, it really could”
That is all.
Showing posts with label The Boy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Boy. Show all posts
Wednesday, 14 May 2008
Friday, 4 April 2008
An update
So i haven't updated in a while. A partial combination of business and just general apathy. Now however, i have finals to revise for and so conveniently my desire to blog has been reignited.
Thursday 20th of March was my last ever day of lectures. Which i'm sure i would feel sad about, if i were to think hard enough about it. Now i am currently embroiled in revising for my finals which are in two and half weeks time (and of course my usual petty emotional drama, which i will come to in a minute) and feeling guilty about not having started my dissertation. Thankfully i have a week after exams in which to write it. Its fair to say however, that i'm more than a little stressed.
For continuity's sake i will carry on the story of my relationship disturbance from where i left off last time. Though a fair few things have happened since then.
I told Ruth about my affair with Daffyd. She was unexpectedly fine about it (though is most likely just well concealing her disgust with me, she has very high moral standards). She came to the same conclusion as Katie. That Dave was a bastard, i had been used and manipulated and that i needed to tell The Boy. I still had my misgivings. Mostly due to the fact that Dave was never going to tell Ele, and so i stood to lose everything and him nothing. Which is malicious and pathetic, but well, that's just me. Despite these misgivings, i decided that i would tell The Boy. It was the right thing to do after all.
The day i was due to leave for home, Daffyd told me he wanted to see me before i left. Having managed to successfully ignore him for more than a week, this was unexpected. But i went to see him. And he told me that he had left Ele. Having spent the past week trying to push him out of my head, this news was received with slight confusion. I told him i was planning to tell The Boy about the cheating whilst at home. He asked me where that would leave "us", and i told him i didn't know. Which was the truth.
Silly as it sounds, i was a little annoyed at him for upping and leaving Ele out of the blue. I had spent the week agonising about telling The Boy, and had come to the conclusion of doing it with no reference to Daffyd. Now it was going to look as though i had done it just for him. Which i can assure you all now was not the plan at all.
So i went home with good intentions. The foil in my plan however was that i actually enjoyed spending time with The Boy. He was lovely. We went out, we chatted and laughed and snuggled and even had sex. Things were perfect, just like they always had been. I adored him. And there was no way i could tell this man that i had betrayed him. Because it would destroy him. And i didn't want that. I wanted to be with him. And i knew that i could manage perfectly well to never tell him, if i had to. Becuase i am deceitful like that. So while spending the week in pretence of "i'll tell him tomorrow... i'll tell him tomorrow...". i knew in the back of my mind, that i wasn't going to. And that was fine by me. Dave was in my head a little. But it was nothing serious. I knew i could get rid of it in time.
The day before coming back to university, Dave asked me if i had told The Boy yet. I was forced to admit that i had spent the whole week chickening out. It was then that he told me outright, that he had left Ele for me, in the hope that he wouldn't be the only one single come the end of the week. I had suspected this. But not assumed. He didn't love her after all. Regardless of me. But no, he told me he had changed his mind again, and in order to prove the permanence of his decision to me, he had left her. Rather inconvenient timing, given my recent decision to make things work with The Boy. So now i felt guilty. But nevertheless, resolved to sort things out once i got back to uni. I could explain to Daffyd. It would be fine.
Except i get back to university and Daffyd is there and wants to take me out for dinner and spend evenings with me and cuddle me and kiss me and apparently i want to let him... So despite the shittiness of it all, i come to the conclusion that i am in fact incapable of controlling myself which isn't fair on The Boy and so i phone to tell him i am leaving him.
He doesn't take it well. But as others have said to me, deep down, he already knew. He doesn't want to leave me. He wants to stay together and work things out. And while i want that too, i know i am stuck at university with Dave for another 3 weeks, and i know i won't be able to stay away from him in that time. So i have to force the point. I am leaving you. Which is difficult, when it isn't really what i want.
So now i am single. Except i'm not really. Daffyd is sweetly happy that i have left The Boy. He wants to see me all the time. He holds me and kisses me and takes me out and we sleep together. And he tells me how beautiful i am and how he is happier than he has been for a long time. And how he can't wait for the day when we can be together properly. We are taking it slowly, casually for now. Apparently.
The Boy knows nothing of this. He is desperate for me to come home so we can sort things out. And perhaps i would, if it weren't for my finals. I will never work for them at home and so i am forcing myself to stay here. And the way things are going with Daffyd now, i clearly don't want to sort things out that much.
I don't know who or what i want now or where to turn for the answer. No matter what i chose, someone is now going to get very hurt, because of me. I am so overwhelmed by guilt.
I am starting to miss The Boy a little. I don't know if its genuine or if its loss of the comfort blanket effect. The same as i dont know if the surge of affection i felt for him during that week home was just a clinging mechanism, in the face of losing him imminently. If i loved him so much, i'm sure i wouldn't be fucking Dave quite so frequently.
The Boy managed to track down Ele, like i knew he would. They have been chatting to each other a lot, swapping tales of mal-intent and most likely just making each other feel worse. The general conscensus of their chats is that Dave is a manipulative bastard. The Boy is determined to believe/ prove to me that Dave has powers of mind control and has been out ot snare me from the very beginning. I of course, have been to weak minded and feeble to resist.
Dave is just there. He wants me, and is prepared to wait for a time when he can fully have me. And if the emotion he expresses towards me is just manipulation and using, i would be very surprised, despite what everyone wants me to think.
I have no idea how i would tell him that i had changed my mind and was going back to the Boy. And part of me doesn't want to. Another part of me thinks that any emotional trauma he suffered might serve him right, after the was he initially treated me.
I am inclined to think that by leaving The Boy and sleeping with D, i have already made the decision. I shouldn't be allowed to turn around on it, even though the opportunity has been provided to me. If and when it turns out to be the wrong one, it will serve me right.
I think i am going to spend the week on my own next week. No males of any variety. Perhaps that will make the decision for me.
I might get round to revising for my finals sometime soon.
Thursday 20th of March was my last ever day of lectures. Which i'm sure i would feel sad about, if i were to think hard enough about it. Now i am currently embroiled in revising for my finals which are in two and half weeks time (and of course my usual petty emotional drama, which i will come to in a minute) and feeling guilty about not having started my dissertation. Thankfully i have a week after exams in which to write it. Its fair to say however, that i'm more than a little stressed.
For continuity's sake i will carry on the story of my relationship disturbance from where i left off last time. Though a fair few things have happened since then.
I told Ruth about my affair with Daffyd. She was unexpectedly fine about it (though is most likely just well concealing her disgust with me, she has very high moral standards). She came to the same conclusion as Katie. That Dave was a bastard, i had been used and manipulated and that i needed to tell The Boy. I still had my misgivings. Mostly due to the fact that Dave was never going to tell Ele, and so i stood to lose everything and him nothing. Which is malicious and pathetic, but well, that's just me. Despite these misgivings, i decided that i would tell The Boy. It was the right thing to do after all.
The day i was due to leave for home, Daffyd told me he wanted to see me before i left. Having managed to successfully ignore him for more than a week, this was unexpected. But i went to see him. And he told me that he had left Ele. Having spent the past week trying to push him out of my head, this news was received with slight confusion. I told him i was planning to tell The Boy about the cheating whilst at home. He asked me where that would leave "us", and i told him i didn't know. Which was the truth.
Silly as it sounds, i was a little annoyed at him for upping and leaving Ele out of the blue. I had spent the week agonising about telling The Boy, and had come to the conclusion of doing it with no reference to Daffyd. Now it was going to look as though i had done it just for him. Which i can assure you all now was not the plan at all.
So i went home with good intentions. The foil in my plan however was that i actually enjoyed spending time with The Boy. He was lovely. We went out, we chatted and laughed and snuggled and even had sex. Things were perfect, just like they always had been. I adored him. And there was no way i could tell this man that i had betrayed him. Because it would destroy him. And i didn't want that. I wanted to be with him. And i knew that i could manage perfectly well to never tell him, if i had to. Becuase i am deceitful like that. So while spending the week in pretence of "i'll tell him tomorrow... i'll tell him tomorrow...". i knew in the back of my mind, that i wasn't going to. And that was fine by me. Dave was in my head a little. But it was nothing serious. I knew i could get rid of it in time.
The day before coming back to university, Dave asked me if i had told The Boy yet. I was forced to admit that i had spent the whole week chickening out. It was then that he told me outright, that he had left Ele for me, in the hope that he wouldn't be the only one single come the end of the week. I had suspected this. But not assumed. He didn't love her after all. Regardless of me. But no, he told me he had changed his mind again, and in order to prove the permanence of his decision to me, he had left her. Rather inconvenient timing, given my recent decision to make things work with The Boy. So now i felt guilty. But nevertheless, resolved to sort things out once i got back to uni. I could explain to Daffyd. It would be fine.
Except i get back to university and Daffyd is there and wants to take me out for dinner and spend evenings with me and cuddle me and kiss me and apparently i want to let him... So despite the shittiness of it all, i come to the conclusion that i am in fact incapable of controlling myself which isn't fair on The Boy and so i phone to tell him i am leaving him.
He doesn't take it well. But as others have said to me, deep down, he already knew. He doesn't want to leave me. He wants to stay together and work things out. And while i want that too, i know i am stuck at university with Dave for another 3 weeks, and i know i won't be able to stay away from him in that time. So i have to force the point. I am leaving you. Which is difficult, when it isn't really what i want.
So now i am single. Except i'm not really. Daffyd is sweetly happy that i have left The Boy. He wants to see me all the time. He holds me and kisses me and takes me out and we sleep together. And he tells me how beautiful i am and how he is happier than he has been for a long time. And how he can't wait for the day when we can be together properly. We are taking it slowly, casually for now. Apparently.
The Boy knows nothing of this. He is desperate for me to come home so we can sort things out. And perhaps i would, if it weren't for my finals. I will never work for them at home and so i am forcing myself to stay here. And the way things are going with Daffyd now, i clearly don't want to sort things out that much.
I don't know who or what i want now or where to turn for the answer. No matter what i chose, someone is now going to get very hurt, because of me. I am so overwhelmed by guilt.
I am starting to miss The Boy a little. I don't know if its genuine or if its loss of the comfort blanket effect. The same as i dont know if the surge of affection i felt for him during that week home was just a clinging mechanism, in the face of losing him imminently. If i loved him so much, i'm sure i wouldn't be fucking Dave quite so frequently.
The Boy managed to track down Ele, like i knew he would. They have been chatting to each other a lot, swapping tales of mal-intent and most likely just making each other feel worse. The general conscensus of their chats is that Dave is a manipulative bastard. The Boy is determined to believe/ prove to me that Dave has powers of mind control and has been out ot snare me from the very beginning. I of course, have been to weak minded and feeble to resist.
Dave is just there. He wants me, and is prepared to wait for a time when he can fully have me. And if the emotion he expresses towards me is just manipulation and using, i would be very surprised, despite what everyone wants me to think.
I have no idea how i would tell him that i had changed my mind and was going back to the Boy. And part of me doesn't want to. Another part of me thinks that any emotional trauma he suffered might serve him right, after the was he initially treated me.
I am inclined to think that by leaving The Boy and sleeping with D, i have already made the decision. I shouldn't be allowed to turn around on it, even though the opportunity has been provided to me. If and when it turns out to be the wrong one, it will serve me right.
I think i am going to spend the week on my own next week. No males of any variety. Perhaps that will make the decision for me.
I might get round to revising for my finals sometime soon.
Sunday, 16 March 2008
To The End
No i'm not dead. But my laptop is. There are errors on the hard disc, which is about as wrong as it could go really. After a couple of days of crashing and struggling it finally gave up the ghost on Monday morning, when it refused to even boot up anymore. Thankfully all my work was backed up, otherwise the crying and hysteria which ensued could have been far far worse. RIP little laptop, you are well missed.
Its quite ridiculous how much i rely on the computery thing. I literally cannot do anything without it. No work, no internet, no music, no films... nothing. I have had to become excessively reliant on the library and friends to keep me worked and entertained, which is rubbish to say the least.
Anyway. On to the main point of the day. The Daffyd thing, it would appear, is actually, finally over. No messing about this time. Because i am weak and silly, and prone to taking even the most minor of slights the wrong way, i allowed myself to get back into it, after the argument. Which apparently wasn't really an argument, just him being in a bad mood, inadvertantly taking it out on me, and me being oversensitive about it. We have spent the night together since then, last Thursday. Not to have sex, just to sleep. But the general consensus was that it was still a romantic thing. He went off to London for the weekend for his birthday. When he came back, we seemed to be back into the is it on/ is it off situation, where i agonise over the whole thing for days on end, and he wants to spend time with me, cook dinner together, go out etc but makes no moves to imply we are more than just friends. On Monday i rang him in tears because my laptop had died, and i was panicking and upset. He came over, attempted to fix it, failed, spent a bit of time at mine, claiming he couldn't go home because "it was raining" even though i think we can assume he just didn't want to go. Then he took me to his so i could use his computer to do some work, bought me pizza for tea and then we watched a film with Roo. On Tuesday, i went to the pub with Joey. At the end of the evening i get a text on my phone from him, asking if i fancy a trip to Tesco with him... This text he had sent about two hours previously, but i had only just received because my network reception is terrible in Keele. So i replied to say sorry for not texting earlier and missing the Tesco trip. He replies to say he hasn't been yet, as he has been sitting waiting for me to reply. Which seems a little strange. After all, if he wanted to go to Tesco, surely he just would have gone. Excuses? So i went to Tesco with him, and bought food to cook with him, in return for the pizza. We spend a little time together afterwards, but nothing happens. Thursday he wants me to cook for him, but i have work to do, and Korf training, and he apparently is incapable of waiting an hour to eat, so we don't have dinner together. After Korf, i realise in blind panic that i have forgotten to submit my projects electronically (which you have to, so they can be run through the plaigarism software), which potentially means i have missed the deadline and will have my marks capped. So i have to go to Roo's to use her internet to do this. Except her stupid wireless mouse and keyboard for some reason refuse to work when any USB port is in use so i can't actually get my projects from the memory stick onto the computer. So i have to go downstairs and beg the use of Daffyd's computer and internet again. I go in and do it, and come straight out again. Whilst i am there, he tells me that Ele has got a place at Keele to do her PGCE. I ask him if that is a good thing or a bad thing, and he says he doesn't know yet. Which one can only assume is not a good thing, because otherwise he wouldn't even have to think about it... But i don't get into a discussion about it. I leave. Which i am proud of myself for doing. On Friday afternoon, for the first time in a while, he pops up on MSN and speaks to me spontaneously, without me speaking to him first. I in the process of being cold and bored and pretending to work in the library, and so he invites me round for tea, cos he has "loads of food and will never be able to eat it all" Which wasn't entirely the truth... but hey, free tea. More excuses? For some reason, on Friday, i was feeling distinctly underwhelmed by him. I don't know why. I just didn't feel particularly attracted to him or feel like i wanted to be that close to him. Maybe he picked up on this, i don't know. But he quite clearly wanted something romantic today. He was slowly edging closer to making a move, engineering it carefully. We ate tea, and then watched a DVD. Half way through we ended up snuggling up. Then he kissed me. No asking, or tentativeness. Just full on his face in my face. Which i don't stop him from doing. Naturally. Because really i want it. Although it implies we are back in the realms of are we/ aren't we. I have to leave shortly after, as the Korf Student Nationals were on the Saturday, which involved setting off from Keele at 7am... "Are you actually going to leave?" Is what he said. I don't know what would have happened had i not have left. Saturday i am in Manchester all day, playing at Nationals. I have arranged to have tea with him in the evening when i get back, to finally eat the food i bought for him. He is supposed to be cooking it for me as i have spent 8 solid hours playing korfball, but he is being a bit of an arse when i get there, showing off in front of his flatmates. So i end up cooking most of it. We eat together, and he becomes less of an arse. He is quite sweet and tender and when i am quiet asks me if i am ok and if i am tired. Later in the evening we got to a pub in Nantwich to see a band play who Dave and Alex went to uni with. He had asked me if i wanted to go a couple of days earlier, and i had told him i would go if i wasn't too tired. I purposely don't mention it when i am there with him, leaving him the opportunity to not take me, but he tells Alex and Katie i am going with them, so it appears as though i am going... The gig was cool, the band were actually really good. I spend most of it being impossibly attracted to him. When we leave, Dave drives us all back to his and Alex's, without even asking if i want taking home. So i assume he wants me at his. Katie goes home and Alex goes to bed and Dave says "so what are we going to do for the rest of the evening?" We spend a couple of hours farting about, not doing anything in particular and then its midnight, and he says we need to decide something to do, or just go to sleep. So i ask him what kind of night it is. Because in the realms of Daffyd and I, there are sensible nights, and there are not sensible nights. Its difficult to work out which night is which most of the time. He tells me its a "my girlfriend is coming early in the morning, and Alex knows you are here and hasn't left yet- night" Which is fair enough. But one wonders why we spent so much time together if it was that kind of night. Then he tells me again about Ele, and her newly acquired PGCE place and how they will have to live together next year, even though he doesn't really want her to come and doesn't want to live with her and is dreading next year it means we have to be sensible from now on because leaving her now would make things difficult next year. I tell him that i can't cope with the constant chopping and changing anymore and that i am not having cake and eating it anymore, these are real big feelings i have now and i'm not going to let him do this to me again, because it hurts to much. He might be being sensible now, but how long until he changes his mind again? So he says that this is the final decision. Sensible is the final decision. He is never going to leave Ele, and wants to have time to get over this before he has to move in with her next year. He "doesn't want to hurt anybody" and he thinks i will be less hurt than Ele by being left. So i am being left. Which is fine. It was only ever going to end this way. The minute he told me Ele was applying for Keele, i knew she would get in and i knew he would become more trapped and i knew i would be the one who lost. The thing that makes it hurt the most is that i know he wants what i want, he is just too ridiculous and stubborn and stupid to have it. But he refuses to have any of it. I "couldn't possibly understand" their relationship. No matter that they are both living a sham, it is "making her happy". Curing all her problems. Of course it is. Of course she would be thrilled to learn that her boyfriend has been fucking me for the past two months, and that he doesn't really love her and has in fact just been wasting her life when she could have been out finding someone who really loves her. He told me that last week, he was all geared up to leave her for me, because he thought it was the right thing to do. But then, they went to London together, and it wasn't as bad as he thought, so he didn't... I'm pretty sure that sounded a lot better in his head...
So it is over. Which i might find a little easier to accept if i didn't know that he wants me exactly as much as i want him. He still wants to be friends, to the extent that we always have been. I'm not sure how that will work, since when i'm with him, all i want to do is touch him and kiss him and he tells me he wants the same. But neither of us want to go through some ridiculous charade of ignoring each other for the rest of the year. I am taking a few days away from him anyway. Until i decide.
I am fairly certain i could go home now, and persuade myself to be in love with The Boy again. I don't particularly want to get over Daffyd, and i certainly don't want him to get over me. But the alternative is Nothing. Its never going to happen. He is ditching me, to have a nice cosy life with Ele. There is always a constant in his nice worked out little life, and that is her. I, on the other hand, feel like i have had my life smashed up into tiny little pieces. I am not sure on what basis i can make things work with The Boy anymore. I should probably leave him, just on moral grounds, but apparently i am not big on morality and so will probably stay with him as a comfort blanket. But i'm not sure how long i can do that for. And then i have nothing. I don't have Boy or Daffyd. And he carries on his perfect little life as though nothing ever happened. Even now, as i write this, he is out having Sunday lunch with her, pretending things are nice and normal. While i am alone and hurt.
Part of me wants Ele to find out. If i left The Boy and told him i had been cheating on him, i'm pretty sure she would find out. He can be very vengeful. But part of me wants to tell her. Not personally, but i want her to know. Which is horrible and selfish because she has been raped and self harms and god knows what else and she doesn't deserve to be hurt anymore. But she has a right to know, yes? And i wouldn't be doing it for her, for nobility, i would be doing it for selfish and vindictive reasons. And that wouldn't get me what i want anyway. Daffyd would know what i had done and then he would hate me.
I am so upset, and he doesn't really seem to understand why. Which is frustrating.
I can think of lots of reasons why it is a very good thing that this is over. But right now i can't see past the feelings.
I am tempted to tell Katie about what has been going on. I suspect she would lose a lot of respect for me, lord knows i have lost all respect for myself. But i would have someone to talk and cry to. She could tell me what a cunt he is and how i am too good for him. And things would feel better. I would feel less like cutting myself up. But then i would have to tell Roo. Part of me wants to tell her too. But i don't know. Then they would hate him. Which would be difficult.
In other news. KUKC did not come last at the student Nationals. We came 13th out of 16. We didn't even spend the whole day getting mullered like we did at regionals. Though we lost most of our games and drew two and won one, we only lost by one goal each time. There was no screaming and retribution, possibly due to the calming influence of Jon, our coach who came this time. All in all, it was a fairly pleasant day. And the last time Keele 1 will officially play together as a team. Which is quite sad really. The more i think about these things, the less i want to leave university.
My sister has been dumped by her boyfriend. The last time my sister was dumped by her boyfriend, she slashed her wrists... Don't really know what to do about that one.
All in all i think a negative outcome for the week.
Its quite ridiculous how much i rely on the computery thing. I literally cannot do anything without it. No work, no internet, no music, no films... nothing. I have had to become excessively reliant on the library and friends to keep me worked and entertained, which is rubbish to say the least.
Anyway. On to the main point of the day. The Daffyd thing, it would appear, is actually, finally over. No messing about this time. Because i am weak and silly, and prone to taking even the most minor of slights the wrong way, i allowed myself to get back into it, after the argument. Which apparently wasn't really an argument, just him being in a bad mood, inadvertantly taking it out on me, and me being oversensitive about it. We have spent the night together since then, last Thursday. Not to have sex, just to sleep. But the general consensus was that it was still a romantic thing. He went off to London for the weekend for his birthday. When he came back, we seemed to be back into the is it on/ is it off situation, where i agonise over the whole thing for days on end, and he wants to spend time with me, cook dinner together, go out etc but makes no moves to imply we are more than just friends. On Monday i rang him in tears because my laptop had died, and i was panicking and upset. He came over, attempted to fix it, failed, spent a bit of time at mine, claiming he couldn't go home because "it was raining" even though i think we can assume he just didn't want to go. Then he took me to his so i could use his computer to do some work, bought me pizza for tea and then we watched a film with Roo. On Tuesday, i went to the pub with Joey. At the end of the evening i get a text on my phone from him, asking if i fancy a trip to Tesco with him... This text he had sent about two hours previously, but i had only just received because my network reception is terrible in Keele. So i replied to say sorry for not texting earlier and missing the Tesco trip. He replies to say he hasn't been yet, as he has been sitting waiting for me to reply. Which seems a little strange. After all, if he wanted to go to Tesco, surely he just would have gone. Excuses? So i went to Tesco with him, and bought food to cook with him, in return for the pizza. We spend a little time together afterwards, but nothing happens. Thursday he wants me to cook for him, but i have work to do, and Korf training, and he apparently is incapable of waiting an hour to eat, so we don't have dinner together. After Korf, i realise in blind panic that i have forgotten to submit my projects electronically (which you have to, so they can be run through the plaigarism software), which potentially means i have missed the deadline and will have my marks capped. So i have to go to Roo's to use her internet to do this. Except her stupid wireless mouse and keyboard for some reason refuse to work when any USB port is in use so i can't actually get my projects from the memory stick onto the computer. So i have to go downstairs and beg the use of Daffyd's computer and internet again. I go in and do it, and come straight out again. Whilst i am there, he tells me that Ele has got a place at Keele to do her PGCE. I ask him if that is a good thing or a bad thing, and he says he doesn't know yet. Which one can only assume is not a good thing, because otherwise he wouldn't even have to think about it... But i don't get into a discussion about it. I leave. Which i am proud of myself for doing. On Friday afternoon, for the first time in a while, he pops up on MSN and speaks to me spontaneously, without me speaking to him first. I in the process of being cold and bored and pretending to work in the library, and so he invites me round for tea, cos he has "loads of food and will never be able to eat it all" Which wasn't entirely the truth... but hey, free tea. More excuses? For some reason, on Friday, i was feeling distinctly underwhelmed by him. I don't know why. I just didn't feel particularly attracted to him or feel like i wanted to be that close to him. Maybe he picked up on this, i don't know. But he quite clearly wanted something romantic today. He was slowly edging closer to making a move, engineering it carefully. We ate tea, and then watched a DVD. Half way through we ended up snuggling up. Then he kissed me. No asking, or tentativeness. Just full on his face in my face. Which i don't stop him from doing. Naturally. Because really i want it. Although it implies we are back in the realms of are we/ aren't we. I have to leave shortly after, as the Korf Student Nationals were on the Saturday, which involved setting off from Keele at 7am... "Are you actually going to leave?" Is what he said. I don't know what would have happened had i not have left. Saturday i am in Manchester all day, playing at Nationals. I have arranged to have tea with him in the evening when i get back, to finally eat the food i bought for him. He is supposed to be cooking it for me as i have spent 8 solid hours playing korfball, but he is being a bit of an arse when i get there, showing off in front of his flatmates. So i end up cooking most of it. We eat together, and he becomes less of an arse. He is quite sweet and tender and when i am quiet asks me if i am ok and if i am tired. Later in the evening we got to a pub in Nantwich to see a band play who Dave and Alex went to uni with. He had asked me if i wanted to go a couple of days earlier, and i had told him i would go if i wasn't too tired. I purposely don't mention it when i am there with him, leaving him the opportunity to not take me, but he tells Alex and Katie i am going with them, so it appears as though i am going... The gig was cool, the band were actually really good. I spend most of it being impossibly attracted to him. When we leave, Dave drives us all back to his and Alex's, without even asking if i want taking home. So i assume he wants me at his. Katie goes home and Alex goes to bed and Dave says "so what are we going to do for the rest of the evening?" We spend a couple of hours farting about, not doing anything in particular and then its midnight, and he says we need to decide something to do, or just go to sleep. So i ask him what kind of night it is. Because in the realms of Daffyd and I, there are sensible nights, and there are not sensible nights. Its difficult to work out which night is which most of the time. He tells me its a "my girlfriend is coming early in the morning, and Alex knows you are here and hasn't left yet- night" Which is fair enough. But one wonders why we spent so much time together if it was that kind of night. Then he tells me again about Ele, and her newly acquired PGCE place and how they will have to live together next year, even though he doesn't really want her to come and doesn't want to live with her and is dreading next year it means we have to be sensible from now on because leaving her now would make things difficult next year. I tell him that i can't cope with the constant chopping and changing anymore and that i am not having cake and eating it anymore, these are real big feelings i have now and i'm not going to let him do this to me again, because it hurts to much. He might be being sensible now, but how long until he changes his mind again? So he says that this is the final decision. Sensible is the final decision. He is never going to leave Ele, and wants to have time to get over this before he has to move in with her next year. He "doesn't want to hurt anybody" and he thinks i will be less hurt than Ele by being left. So i am being left. Which is fine. It was only ever going to end this way. The minute he told me Ele was applying for Keele, i knew she would get in and i knew he would become more trapped and i knew i would be the one who lost. The thing that makes it hurt the most is that i know he wants what i want, he is just too ridiculous and stubborn and stupid to have it. But he refuses to have any of it. I "couldn't possibly understand" their relationship. No matter that they are both living a sham, it is "making her happy". Curing all her problems. Of course it is. Of course she would be thrilled to learn that her boyfriend has been fucking me for the past two months, and that he doesn't really love her and has in fact just been wasting her life when she could have been out finding someone who really loves her. He told me that last week, he was all geared up to leave her for me, because he thought it was the right thing to do. But then, they went to London together, and it wasn't as bad as he thought, so he didn't... I'm pretty sure that sounded a lot better in his head...
So it is over. Which i might find a little easier to accept if i didn't know that he wants me exactly as much as i want him. He still wants to be friends, to the extent that we always have been. I'm not sure how that will work, since when i'm with him, all i want to do is touch him and kiss him and he tells me he wants the same. But neither of us want to go through some ridiculous charade of ignoring each other for the rest of the year. I am taking a few days away from him anyway. Until i decide.
I am fairly certain i could go home now, and persuade myself to be in love with The Boy again. I don't particularly want to get over Daffyd, and i certainly don't want him to get over me. But the alternative is Nothing. Its never going to happen. He is ditching me, to have a nice cosy life with Ele. There is always a constant in his nice worked out little life, and that is her. I, on the other hand, feel like i have had my life smashed up into tiny little pieces. I am not sure on what basis i can make things work with The Boy anymore. I should probably leave him, just on moral grounds, but apparently i am not big on morality and so will probably stay with him as a comfort blanket. But i'm not sure how long i can do that for. And then i have nothing. I don't have Boy or Daffyd. And he carries on his perfect little life as though nothing ever happened. Even now, as i write this, he is out having Sunday lunch with her, pretending things are nice and normal. While i am alone and hurt.
Part of me wants Ele to find out. If i left The Boy and told him i had been cheating on him, i'm pretty sure she would find out. He can be very vengeful. But part of me wants to tell her. Not personally, but i want her to know. Which is horrible and selfish because she has been raped and self harms and god knows what else and she doesn't deserve to be hurt anymore. But she has a right to know, yes? And i wouldn't be doing it for her, for nobility, i would be doing it for selfish and vindictive reasons. And that wouldn't get me what i want anyway. Daffyd would know what i had done and then he would hate me.
I am so upset, and he doesn't really seem to understand why. Which is frustrating.
I can think of lots of reasons why it is a very good thing that this is over. But right now i can't see past the feelings.
I am tempted to tell Katie about what has been going on. I suspect she would lose a lot of respect for me, lord knows i have lost all respect for myself. But i would have someone to talk and cry to. She could tell me what a cunt he is and how i am too good for him. And things would feel better. I would feel less like cutting myself up. But then i would have to tell Roo. Part of me wants to tell her too. But i don't know. Then they would hate him. Which would be difficult.
In other news. KUKC did not come last at the student Nationals. We came 13th out of 16. We didn't even spend the whole day getting mullered like we did at regionals. Though we lost most of our games and drew two and won one, we only lost by one goal each time. There was no screaming and retribution, possibly due to the calming influence of Jon, our coach who came this time. All in all, it was a fairly pleasant day. And the last time Keele 1 will officially play together as a team. Which is quite sad really. The more i think about these things, the less i want to leave university.
My sister has been dumped by her boyfriend. The last time my sister was dumped by her boyfriend, she slashed her wrists... Don't really know what to do about that one.
All in all i think a negative outcome for the week.
Wednesday, 27 February 2008
Earthquakes!
Are well cool innit. Bless Sleazy and Fishfinger boy. They were full of it last night, the big geology geeks.
I am struggling to do any work, so am skiving as usual. My non-experimental project is about 1500 words over the limit, and i don't have the will to start reading it and cutting things out of it. Don't really know what to do about that. Still no results for the experimental project. Deadline is in two weeks and noone is taking me seriously. I am going to cry, very soon. The Case studies and Biochem of disease assessments are up on the server, so i could do those, but lets face it, i'm not going to. Motivation = come back please.
Dave told me he loved me last night. I don't think i believe him. I think he has feelings for me beyond that of friendship, and doesn't have another more suitable word to describe the in between situation. He is a bit of a closed book when it comes to emotion. He likes to retain his cool and collected exterior, overviewing the situation and making me do the running in the emotional stakes. Some kind of superiority complex perhaps. Which makes me feel rather vulnerable. Last night was a bit of a breakthrough. He told me that when we're not together he is always thinking about me and thinking of situations to get us to be together, and that when he is with me he is happy and wants nothing else. He says i "get him". And noone "gets" him. I asked him if he loved El. His response was to screw up his face and contemplate deeply for a few minutes. Which i took to be a no. But, he is still with the martyr complex. Two more years he says, until she is "normal". He is ridiculous, utterly ridiculous. But there is just no reasoning with him. He is in for a very miserable life, i fear.
In answer to the inevitable question... i have no idea how i feel about him. I certainly don't love him... i have only known him since September after all. But i do feel something for him. Something inappropriate given my supposed relationship status. I also want to have sex with him. A lot. This is the thing that worries me perhaps the most. For at least two years, the thought of sex with The Boy has just made me feel tired. It has been a chore to get through. I do it because i love him, and even though i get little pleasure out of it, its still a physical closeness that is nice to have. But the extent of my unarousal has led me to think on more than one occasion that there is actually something physically wrong with me. And now here Dave is. Last night i wanted to fuck him so badly, it was almost physically painful. We had that adolescent sort of night with lots of kissing and yearning. It was like being 15 again. Which kind of implies that the sex thing is not another addition on my list of crazies, as previously suspected, but an issue with The Boy, or our relationship, or both. Which is not reassuring. But then, its not like it was a big issue before. It upset me on a personal level. But it wasn't upsetting the relationship. I wasn't thinking that i couldn't spend the rest of my life with him because of it.
I'm prepared to accept that maybe the attraction to Dave is more about the drama and the new excitingness of it all. He is new, he is exciting. And i do love the thought of it all going on behind people's backs. Keeping up the normal friendly banter with him in front of our friends, the Korfers etc. Listening to him making jokes about Gill his "fuck buddy". Watching Fake Cough's tragic attempts to flirt with him. And them not having a clue. They think they know something, but really they know nothing. Sitting there oblivious as he holds my hand under the table in the pub, laughing at his "jokes" about fucking me while he whispers the truth in my ear. Its my hair he strokes, my waist his arm is around, my room he sneaks off to when everyone goes home. And yes i should feel cheap and nasty and sad. But when i'm with him i don't. I feel exciting, and excited.
I suppose the proof of the pudding is that when he asks me if i would leave The Boy for him, i overwhelmingly feel panic. I don't know if i do want to leave him, even though i probably should. And i don't know if my feelings for Dave are valid enough, if they are solid for him. The last thing i want is to be screwing over two people in one fell swoop.
I wish i was a better person.
I am struggling to do any work, so am skiving as usual. My non-experimental project is about 1500 words over the limit, and i don't have the will to start reading it and cutting things out of it. Don't really know what to do about that. Still no results for the experimental project. Deadline is in two weeks and noone is taking me seriously. I am going to cry, very soon. The Case studies and Biochem of disease assessments are up on the server, so i could do those, but lets face it, i'm not going to. Motivation = come back please.
Dave told me he loved me last night. I don't think i believe him. I think he has feelings for me beyond that of friendship, and doesn't have another more suitable word to describe the in between situation. He is a bit of a closed book when it comes to emotion. He likes to retain his cool and collected exterior, overviewing the situation and making me do the running in the emotional stakes. Some kind of superiority complex perhaps. Which makes me feel rather vulnerable. Last night was a bit of a breakthrough. He told me that when we're not together he is always thinking about me and thinking of situations to get us to be together, and that when he is with me he is happy and wants nothing else. He says i "get him". And noone "gets" him. I asked him if he loved El. His response was to screw up his face and contemplate deeply for a few minutes. Which i took to be a no. But, he is still with the martyr complex. Two more years he says, until she is "normal". He is ridiculous, utterly ridiculous. But there is just no reasoning with him. He is in for a very miserable life, i fear.
In answer to the inevitable question... i have no idea how i feel about him. I certainly don't love him... i have only known him since September after all. But i do feel something for him. Something inappropriate given my supposed relationship status. I also want to have sex with him. A lot. This is the thing that worries me perhaps the most. For at least two years, the thought of sex with The Boy has just made me feel tired. It has been a chore to get through. I do it because i love him, and even though i get little pleasure out of it, its still a physical closeness that is nice to have. But the extent of my unarousal has led me to think on more than one occasion that there is actually something physically wrong with me. And now here Dave is. Last night i wanted to fuck him so badly, it was almost physically painful. We had that adolescent sort of night with lots of kissing and yearning. It was like being 15 again. Which kind of implies that the sex thing is not another addition on my list of crazies, as previously suspected, but an issue with The Boy, or our relationship, or both. Which is not reassuring. But then, its not like it was a big issue before. It upset me on a personal level. But it wasn't upsetting the relationship. I wasn't thinking that i couldn't spend the rest of my life with him because of it.
I'm prepared to accept that maybe the attraction to Dave is more about the drama and the new excitingness of it all. He is new, he is exciting. And i do love the thought of it all going on behind people's backs. Keeping up the normal friendly banter with him in front of our friends, the Korfers etc. Listening to him making jokes about Gill his "fuck buddy". Watching Fake Cough's tragic attempts to flirt with him. And them not having a clue. They think they know something, but really they know nothing. Sitting there oblivious as he holds my hand under the table in the pub, laughing at his "jokes" about fucking me while he whispers the truth in my ear. Its my hair he strokes, my waist his arm is around, my room he sneaks off to when everyone goes home. And yes i should feel cheap and nasty and sad. But when i'm with him i don't. I feel exciting, and excited.
I suppose the proof of the pudding is that when he asks me if i would leave The Boy for him, i overwhelmingly feel panic. I don't know if i do want to leave him, even though i probably should. And i don't know if my feelings for Dave are valid enough, if they are solid for him. The last thing i want is to be screwing over two people in one fell swoop.
I wish i was a better person.
Saturday, 23 February 2008
On course for disaster...
There are so many things in my head that i need to write, but i'm finding it hard to find out what they are and put them into some kind of sensible order.
I have had a horrible and confusing week and it is all completely self inflicted.
Last weekend The Boy came down to stay. He is a lot more perceptive than we give him credit for, and seems to realise that there is something not quite right. Though to be fair, my distantness and continual irritation at him probably gives it away a little. The thing about The Boy is, when he senses something is amiss, something he thinks (rightly or wrongly) is jeopardising our relationship, his natural instinct is to cling. I swear there are limpits with less adhesive ability. And he whines. God, how i hate whining. Coupled with the fact that i live in a very small space, and that he hadn't had the foresight to actually bring anything with him to do for the entire week... Well i was horrible to him. An actual bitch.
On Sunday, Daffyd for some reason saw fit to tell Roo about the whole sorry "situation" that has been occurring between us, despite the fact that i expressly told him to Not Under Any Circumstances Tell Ruth, on more than one occasion. I had neither the physical opportunity or emotional capacity to be explaining things to Roo, bollocking Dave and keeping things normal and concealed from The Boy, and as such, spent most of the weekend on the verge of a panic attack.
I was livid with Daffyd. Not only did he choose to break my trust, but specifically at a time when he knows full well that The Boy was here, and i couldn't do anything about it. It seemed to me that he was either a) not as bothered about Boy finding out and leaving me as he claimed, b) deliberately trying to stir up trouble between me and Roo, c) feeling guilty whilst visiting El, and creating some kind of backlash towards me to end things once and for all d) jealous that i was with Boy and he wasn't centre of attention or e) wanting El to find out but not wanting to tell her himself. Though he claimed that he "wasn't doing it to get at me"
I managed to get away and talk things through with Roo, who was understanding and lovely, despite her excessively high moral standards, and i felt incredibly guilty for not just telling her in the first place. She is clearly hurt by the fact that i didn't. We decide that Daffyd is an arse, and clearly the sensible solution to the whole issue is just to ignore him. This is a recurring theme, so pay attention.
Meanwhile i am being progressively more vile to The Boy and eventually have to send him to Karl's two days early, for fear of actually murdering him.
Being the argumentative bint that i am, after Boy left i demanded to see Daffyd for an explanation. He tells me that his weekend with El was horrible and they had an argument, which he was telling Roo about which somehow culminated in him telling her he had feelings for me, because he needed to "vent". He says there was no malicious intent whatsoever. And while everyone has been telling me he is manipulative and controlling and trying to screw me over, i don't want to believe that because it means i am an exceptionally bad judge of character and that he has been out to hurt me all along. So i don't believe it. While i am still incredibly cross with him, i find it difficult to maintain when he sits there so placidly telling me quite simply that i've got it all wrong.
The day after Daffyd cooks me dinner before Korf training. Tired and full of food i fall asleep on his bed. I wake up to find him staring at me.
Later on in the evening i receive text messages from Katie, demanding to know why i am having dinner with Dave when i am meant to staying away from him. (Fucking Alex, the grass). I have to bite my tongue when replying to prevent unleashing a "fuck-off-since-when-do-i-have-to-answer-to-you-i-am-perfectly-capable-of-making-my-own-decisions" type tirade. At this point i realise the increasing potential of this situation to leave me well and truly with nothing. I am lying to my friends and deliberately going against their advice, when they only want me to do the sensible thing and not make a complete fuck up of my entire life.
Dave is upset that Roo and Katie are now not speaking to him because they think he is screwing me over and trying to stir up trouble between us all. He seems to think he is going to be taking it out on me. I feel guilty only momentarily. He did, after all bring it on himself. I did warn him not to tell Ruth. After the Katie texts, he decides the only way to deal with the situation is for us to ignore each other. Or as he says, i am going to end up having to choose between him and Ruth and Katie. Again, this seems like the sensible thing to do. But in my fragile mood, i refuse to have any of it. I can't face losing him just yet. He concedes that it wouldn't make him that happy either.
Yesterday was a Korf match day. (Incidentally, we didn't lose, but we only drew, which doesn't bode well for our place in the league). Dave ignored me for the entire match. After we all went to the pub and actually ended up having a really good laugh. Dave suddenly was speaking to me again. After the pub, prompted by him, i went back to his to get painkillers for a headache i mentioned earlier in the evening (a rather inventive reason for invitation on his part i thought). Things did not take a sensible turn.
It must appear that i am being used, or screwed over, or whatever. That i am a naive and silly little girl. But i know he genuinely does have feelings for me. He is just stubborn, and confused. Which i can hardly aberrate him for, when i am exactly the same. And as last night proved, i can play him quite effortlessly at his own game. I can engineer the circumstances just as well as he can, no matter how many times he tells me its finished and he is being sensible again.
I am quite terrified by this whole situation. The only time i don't feel anxious about it is when i am with him. Maybe i am clinging onto some small sliver of hoping that he is going to leave Ele. Though if i am honest, i'm not exactly sure how the hell i would react if he did.
I'm not going to let this carry on for very much longer. I don't know how much longer. Only that it has to be me who decides. Not him.
I am afraid of having to leave The Boy. There was never any question of not loving him until this all started. But i don't think things will ever be the same with him now. My continuing irritation at him makes me feel as though i am beginning to love him less. By losing him, i am losing a future, as well as a past and present. It really would represent the total degradation of my entire life. But apparently i am not prepared to lose Daffyd either right now.
This is all so incredibly ridiculous. I'm ashamed to even write it.
I have had a horrible and confusing week and it is all completely self inflicted.
Last weekend The Boy came down to stay. He is a lot more perceptive than we give him credit for, and seems to realise that there is something not quite right. Though to be fair, my distantness and continual irritation at him probably gives it away a little. The thing about The Boy is, when he senses something is amiss, something he thinks (rightly or wrongly) is jeopardising our relationship, his natural instinct is to cling. I swear there are limpits with less adhesive ability. And he whines. God, how i hate whining. Coupled with the fact that i live in a very small space, and that he hadn't had the foresight to actually bring anything with him to do for the entire week... Well i was horrible to him. An actual bitch.
On Sunday, Daffyd for some reason saw fit to tell Roo about the whole sorry "situation" that has been occurring between us, despite the fact that i expressly told him to Not Under Any Circumstances Tell Ruth, on more than one occasion. I had neither the physical opportunity or emotional capacity to be explaining things to Roo, bollocking Dave and keeping things normal and concealed from The Boy, and as such, spent most of the weekend on the verge of a panic attack.
I was livid with Daffyd. Not only did he choose to break my trust, but specifically at a time when he knows full well that The Boy was here, and i couldn't do anything about it. It seemed to me that he was either a) not as bothered about Boy finding out and leaving me as he claimed, b) deliberately trying to stir up trouble between me and Roo, c) feeling guilty whilst visiting El, and creating some kind of backlash towards me to end things once and for all d) jealous that i was with Boy and he wasn't centre of attention or e) wanting El to find out but not wanting to tell her himself. Though he claimed that he "wasn't doing it to get at me"
I managed to get away and talk things through with Roo, who was understanding and lovely, despite her excessively high moral standards, and i felt incredibly guilty for not just telling her in the first place. She is clearly hurt by the fact that i didn't. We decide that Daffyd is an arse, and clearly the sensible solution to the whole issue is just to ignore him. This is a recurring theme, so pay attention.
Meanwhile i am being progressively more vile to The Boy and eventually have to send him to Karl's two days early, for fear of actually murdering him.
Being the argumentative bint that i am, after Boy left i demanded to see Daffyd for an explanation. He tells me that his weekend with El was horrible and they had an argument, which he was telling Roo about which somehow culminated in him telling her he had feelings for me, because he needed to "vent". He says there was no malicious intent whatsoever. And while everyone has been telling me he is manipulative and controlling and trying to screw me over, i don't want to believe that because it means i am an exceptionally bad judge of character and that he has been out to hurt me all along. So i don't believe it. While i am still incredibly cross with him, i find it difficult to maintain when he sits there so placidly telling me quite simply that i've got it all wrong.
The day after Daffyd cooks me dinner before Korf training. Tired and full of food i fall asleep on his bed. I wake up to find him staring at me.
Later on in the evening i receive text messages from Katie, demanding to know why i am having dinner with Dave when i am meant to staying away from him. (Fucking Alex, the grass). I have to bite my tongue when replying to prevent unleashing a "fuck-off-since-when-do-i-have-to-answer-to-you-i-am-perfectly-capable-of-making-my-own-decisions" type tirade. At this point i realise the increasing potential of this situation to leave me well and truly with nothing. I am lying to my friends and deliberately going against their advice, when they only want me to do the sensible thing and not make a complete fuck up of my entire life.
Dave is upset that Roo and Katie are now not speaking to him because they think he is screwing me over and trying to stir up trouble between us all. He seems to think he is going to be taking it out on me. I feel guilty only momentarily. He did, after all bring it on himself. I did warn him not to tell Ruth. After the Katie texts, he decides the only way to deal with the situation is for us to ignore each other. Or as he says, i am going to end up having to choose between him and Ruth and Katie. Again, this seems like the sensible thing to do. But in my fragile mood, i refuse to have any of it. I can't face losing him just yet. He concedes that it wouldn't make him that happy either.
Yesterday was a Korf match day. (Incidentally, we didn't lose, but we only drew, which doesn't bode well for our place in the league). Dave ignored me for the entire match. After we all went to the pub and actually ended up having a really good laugh. Dave suddenly was speaking to me again. After the pub, prompted by him, i went back to his to get painkillers for a headache i mentioned earlier in the evening (a rather inventive reason for invitation on his part i thought). Things did not take a sensible turn.
It must appear that i am being used, or screwed over, or whatever. That i am a naive and silly little girl. But i know he genuinely does have feelings for me. He is just stubborn, and confused. Which i can hardly aberrate him for, when i am exactly the same. And as last night proved, i can play him quite effortlessly at his own game. I can engineer the circumstances just as well as he can, no matter how many times he tells me its finished and he is being sensible again.
I am quite terrified by this whole situation. The only time i don't feel anxious about it is when i am with him. Maybe i am clinging onto some small sliver of hoping that he is going to leave Ele. Though if i am honest, i'm not exactly sure how the hell i would react if he did.
I'm not going to let this carry on for very much longer. I don't know how much longer. Only that it has to be me who decides. Not him.
I am afraid of having to leave The Boy. There was never any question of not loving him until this all started. But i don't think things will ever be the same with him now. My continuing irritation at him makes me feel as though i am beginning to love him less. By losing him, i am losing a future, as well as a past and present. It really would represent the total degradation of my entire life. But apparently i am not prepared to lose Daffyd either right now.
This is all so incredibly ridiculous. I'm ashamed to even write it.
Monday, 11 February 2008
Hello, sunshine.
It is frosty and freezing, but the sky is clear and the sun is out. And the people of Keele appear to have developed some temporary sunshine induced insanity. I saw a guy walking into town earlier in some cut off trousers, t-shirt and sunglasses... When will these people learn! Sunshine does not equate to warmth. Particularly in the English midlands...
I think i might be getting better! Whoop! I'm not going to speak to soon though...
This weekend at home has been strained and not altogether pleasant. I think i have managed to hold it together just sufficiently to keep The Boy happy.
I haven't seen Daffyd now for four days and haven't spoken to him for two. The last time i did speak to him he was particularly vicious towards me, apparently due to some supposed slight which i thought we had already dealt with. I suspect his behaviour was an attempt on his part to sabotage the friendship in order for him to cut ties, forget about me and carry on as normal. Or that he was jealous that i was at home with The Boy. Or maybe i am just being presumptuous and he was just in a bad mood like he said. He did apologise at least. I'm not sure how things stand between us right now.
Now i really, really need to go and do some work.
I think i might be getting better! Whoop! I'm not going to speak to soon though...
This weekend at home has been strained and not altogether pleasant. I think i have managed to hold it together just sufficiently to keep The Boy happy.
I haven't seen Daffyd now for four days and haven't spoken to him for two. The last time i did speak to him he was particularly vicious towards me, apparently due to some supposed slight which i thought we had already dealt with. I suspect his behaviour was an attempt on his part to sabotage the friendship in order for him to cut ties, forget about me and carry on as normal. Or that he was jealous that i was at home with The Boy. Or maybe i am just being presumptuous and he was just in a bad mood like he said. He did apologise at least. I'm not sure how things stand between us right now.
Now i really, really need to go and do some work.
Friday, 1 February 2008
Oh holy mongoose!
Its February!
My projects are due in on the 13th of March, which is in 6 weeks...
The last time i checked, the 13th of March was about 5 months away!
Bugger.
I went to the doctor today about my poor stomach. He seemed unimpressed. It appears i may not have AIDs/ cholera/ noravirus/ concealed pregnancy... as previously suspected.
The Boy is annoying me. He is sulking because i told him off for not going into work again today- apparently the tendonitis in his groin is playing him up. Something about his current workplace makes him a little bipolar, one minute he loves it, the next minute he hates it and wants to leave. He is currently in a hating phase. The company however, adore him, and are pretty keen to promote him to management. I think the shop had a bad week last week and now his manager is taking it out on him. He has been accused of taking a step backwards recently, which presumably means his promotion is drifting out of view... Being off "ill" constantly (i.e. twice a month) isn't going to be helping his case. He has an awful track record of never staying in a job longer than a couple of years maximum; something always seems to go wrong and he is "forced out". I have always been sympathetic in the past, but it has been in the back of my mind that as the only common denominator, perhaps the problem lay with him. Surely its going to get to a point where noone wants to employ him? But i'm a nice, supportive girlfriend, so i never said. I'm thinking it again now though.
I could be incredibly premature and bunny boiler-esque and say: "Oh my god, how is a man who can't keep a job for five minutes going to support me and our children for the rest of our lives!?"
But i'm not. So i won't...
My projects are due in on the 13th of March, which is in 6 weeks...
The last time i checked, the 13th of March was about 5 months away!
Bugger.
I went to the doctor today about my poor stomach. He seemed unimpressed. It appears i may not have AIDs/ cholera/ noravirus/ concealed pregnancy... as previously suspected.
The Boy is annoying me. He is sulking because i told him off for not going into work again today- apparently the tendonitis in his groin is playing him up. Something about his current workplace makes him a little bipolar, one minute he loves it, the next minute he hates it and wants to leave. He is currently in a hating phase. The company however, adore him, and are pretty keen to promote him to management. I think the shop had a bad week last week and now his manager is taking it out on him. He has been accused of taking a step backwards recently, which presumably means his promotion is drifting out of view... Being off "ill" constantly (i.e. twice a month) isn't going to be helping his case. He has an awful track record of never staying in a job longer than a couple of years maximum; something always seems to go wrong and he is "forced out". I have always been sympathetic in the past, but it has been in the back of my mind that as the only common denominator, perhaps the problem lay with him. Surely its going to get to a point where noone wants to employ him? But i'm a nice, supportive girlfriend, so i never said. I'm thinking it again now though.
I could be incredibly premature and bunny boiler-esque and say: "Oh my god, how is a man who can't keep a job for five minutes going to support me and our children for the rest of our lives!?"
But i'm not. So i won't...
Sunday, 27 January 2008
Alone again...
Boy has just left for home, and i feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness now.
These ridiculously short visits are no good. I didn't even miss him that much before, but now i have seen him, and he's gone again, its a bit gut-wrenching... :(
Last night was good fun, even though about an hour before we were due to go out, i started feeling incredibly ill, and as such was highly dubious about eating or drinking anything for most of the night. Still, the company was excellent.
I went out for lunch with Daffyd earlier in the week, and have been feeling distinctly off colour ever since. I think perhaps i have had food poisoning from the pub. I suffer from emetophobia
and the thought of being sick is so incredibly hideous and panic inducing to me that i have actually managed to train myself to just not be sick. Ever. Which sounds good i suppose, but in fact it means that bugs i catch linger for weeks on end while my body tries to fight them off or they work their way out of the other end... Whereas someone less freak-ish might just throw up and feel better within the day. Hence the sudden emergence of illness last night anyway. A bottle of red wine and a chicken Bhuna seemed to cure it after a while anyway...
The new guy living in Andy's room is a bit of a pompous arse.
That is all.
These ridiculously short visits are no good. I didn't even miss him that much before, but now i have seen him, and he's gone again, its a bit gut-wrenching... :(
Last night was good fun, even though about an hour before we were due to go out, i started feeling incredibly ill, and as such was highly dubious about eating or drinking anything for most of the night. Still, the company was excellent.
I went out for lunch with Daffyd earlier in the week, and have been feeling distinctly off colour ever since. I think perhaps i have had food poisoning from the pub. I suffer from emetophobia
and the thought of being sick is so incredibly hideous and panic inducing to me that i have actually managed to train myself to just not be sick. Ever. Which sounds good i suppose, but in fact it means that bugs i catch linger for weeks on end while my body tries to fight them off or they work their way out of the other end... Whereas someone less freak-ish might just throw up and feel better within the day. Hence the sudden emergence of illness last night anyway. A bottle of red wine and a chicken Bhuna seemed to cure it after a while anyway...
The new guy living in Andy's room is a bit of a pompous arse.
That is all.
Friday, 25 January 2008
In other news...
I have had a very busy and productive first week back. Well busy by my standards, not by a normal person's...
I have had lectures and tutorials and project meetings... I have revised my opinion on GH slightly. He is still incredibly annoying and ineffectual, but the levels of hatred towards him have subsided a little, and i am feeling less stressed out about the whole lack of meaningful project results thing. The general opininon is that rubbish results means lots of things to moan about in the discussion section. So i guess i'll have to go with that.
I have finished my registration portfolio and handed it in. I don't care if GH wants me to do anything else to it now, quite frankly i never want to see the damn thing again.
I have started writing my non-experimental project! Its coming along quite nicely so far, although i am quite blatantly going to max out the word count...
I have chosen my dissertation titles and handed in the request form. I doubt there was much point in bothering, since the usual favourites will get their first choices and the rest of us (i.e. me) will end up with the crap that is left. Though to be fair, there wasn't an awful lot to go on to begin with... I give you Exhibit A:
Vomiting- A valuable defence, or just an irritating symptom of disease?
I ask you. Who the hell wants to write five thousand words about vomit? Oh the joys of Biomedical Science.
I bet i get that one. I bet you.
The Boy is coming down tomorrow! I can't wait. Birthday Celebrations Mark Two are occuring tomorrow night. Boy, Katie, Maz, Ann, Dave, Joey and me are going for a curry in Newcastle. I am really looking forward to it. I think this is the first time in about three years that i have organised something and people have actually bothered to come. Maz is down from Manchester for the weekend and is staying with Gill. Hence i am recieving substantial guilt trip from her about not inviting Gill to come too. I admit it is a little awkward for her, but i'll be damned if i'm going to invite Gill when can't fucking stand her! Plus if she came then the whole sorry Korfing Crew would have to come. And then i would have to drown myself in a Korma or something.
They are such hypocrites. They never bloody invite me anywhere (not that i'm bothered, i wouldn't go because i can't stand them... but thats not the point!) I could drop down dead in my room and not be seen for weeks and Phil and Mike wouldn't notice. And Gill and Fake-Cough are just plain ignorant. I don't know how Gill has the cheek to expect to be coming. But anyhow...
I korfed tonight. Only for an hour, thankfully. Exercising was a bit of a culture shock after all the time off i've had. During training, i managed to bang my head twice, doing exactly the same thing both times... As if i didn't feel bad enough already... I think i am probably concussed now...
Mum is nagging about when i am going home again already. Which confuses me slightly, since she never seems that interested when i am there. Sigh.
I don't really have anything interesting to say, so i'm going to stop now.
I have had lectures and tutorials and project meetings... I have revised my opinion on GH slightly. He is still incredibly annoying and ineffectual, but the levels of hatred towards him have subsided a little, and i am feeling less stressed out about the whole lack of meaningful project results thing. The general opininon is that rubbish results means lots of things to moan about in the discussion section. So i guess i'll have to go with that.
I have finished my registration portfolio and handed it in. I don't care if GH wants me to do anything else to it now, quite frankly i never want to see the damn thing again.
I have started writing my non-experimental project! Its coming along quite nicely so far, although i am quite blatantly going to max out the word count...
I have chosen my dissertation titles and handed in the request form. I doubt there was much point in bothering, since the usual favourites will get their first choices and the rest of us (i.e. me) will end up with the crap that is left. Though to be fair, there wasn't an awful lot to go on to begin with... I give you Exhibit A:
Vomiting- A valuable defence, or just an irritating symptom of disease?
I ask you. Who the hell wants to write five thousand words about vomit? Oh the joys of Biomedical Science.
I bet i get that one. I bet you.
The Boy is coming down tomorrow! I can't wait. Birthday Celebrations Mark Two are occuring tomorrow night. Boy, Katie, Maz, Ann, Dave, Joey and me are going for a curry in Newcastle. I am really looking forward to it. I think this is the first time in about three years that i have organised something and people have actually bothered to come. Maz is down from Manchester for the weekend and is staying with Gill. Hence i am recieving substantial guilt trip from her about not inviting Gill to come too. I admit it is a little awkward for her, but i'll be damned if i'm going to invite Gill when can't fucking stand her! Plus if she came then the whole sorry Korfing Crew would have to come. And then i would have to drown myself in a Korma or something.
They are such hypocrites. They never bloody invite me anywhere (not that i'm bothered, i wouldn't go because i can't stand them... but thats not the point!) I could drop down dead in my room and not be seen for weeks and Phil and Mike wouldn't notice. And Gill and Fake-Cough are just plain ignorant. I don't know how Gill has the cheek to expect to be coming. But anyhow...
I korfed tonight. Only for an hour, thankfully. Exercising was a bit of a culture shock after all the time off i've had. During training, i managed to bang my head twice, doing exactly the same thing both times... As if i didn't feel bad enough already... I think i am probably concussed now...
Mum is nagging about when i am going home again already. Which confuses me slightly, since she never seems that interested when i am there. Sigh.
I don't really have anything interesting to say, so i'm going to stop now.
Monday, 21 January 2008
Two Little Ducks...
Well, i'm back at University. Which, when all is said and done, isn't so bad really. I have my own nice tidy room, a clean, non moulding bathroom... i can go to bed when i want, and not when my 26-going-on-60-boyfriend decides he is tired... and i can start to get on with some of the work that has been playing on my mind for the past month and a half. I don't know who i think i'm kidding when i take work home to do. I never do it. Ever.
I'm lucky to have got back at all today. Being the hyper-organised being that i am (pfft), i predicted flooding related train delays, and decided to consult the fountain of knowledge that is the National Rail Enquiries website prior to commencing my journey. Feeling highly superior, i carefully selected a non-flooded route and trotted off to the station.
Well. The National Rail Enquiries website LIED. The bastard. Which lead to a four hour, excessively watery journey, highlights of which included a long cold stay in Huddersfield and a magical mystery tour of Manchester. Sigh.
I arrive back to discover that the cleaner wants to clean my room again... she has cleaned it 3 times since i left for Christmas, i have only been back for four days since then- how dirty does she think i am!? And rather more excitingly that Andy and Heather have split up and Andy is in the process of moving out. I can't say i didn't see it coming. They have only been seeing each other about nine months, which by my calculations means they must have agreed to move in with each other having being together only three months. Its a pretty big strain for such a young relationship i would think. Particularly since they seem to have spent every waking moment together, since i've known them anyway. I get the impression that Heather doesn't really have any of her own friends, so they always socialised together. They even do the same course! I think its a credit to them they've managed to refrain from murdering each other for this long. The atmosphere is a tad frosty at the moment, so i gather it wasn't an amicable split. Andy has managed to swap rooms with one of his friends downstairs, which is incredibly generous of his friend i think. Hopefully he will be a decent enough guy to live with. I think i am going to make more of an effort with Heather now she isn't going to be glued to Andy 24/7. I felt guilty about intruding on their couple time before... But now i suppose she will be needing a friend. We shall see anyway.
Yesterday was my birthday, and i think i am now past the stage of being able to convince myself i'm still a teenager. Twenty two is far too grown up. I was eighteen when i met the Boy, all young and nubile... everyone wants an 18 year old girlfriend! I asked him if he still loved me as much now i am 22 and old. He said he did :)
The Boy did indeed buy me a stuffed creature for my birthday, but it is very cute so i think i will forgive him. He also bought me underwear and perfume (the exact same perfume that his parents bought me for Christmas, so now i am going to be bloody swimming in the stuff... i ought to be cross with him for not paying attention, but i just can't bring myself to be... It is very nice perfume at least). Mum restocked my bra collection for me, in order to accommodate my rapidly expanding bosom. Though i say rapidly expanding, i have in fact been wearing the same size bra since i was about 13, so its probably been coming on for a while. I have now achieved my favourite cup size now anyway! I threw some of the manky old bras away today. She also bought me some socks, which is a lot more exciting than it sounds. Previously i had a grand total of zero pairs. I will have to get back into the habit of wearing them.
The Boy and I went ice skating for my birthday which was hilarious... Somewhere along the line, ice skating has apparently become a past time of choice for Chavs... in Bradford at least... and they are surprisingly talented at it! We, however, were not. After a good half an hour clinging onto the barrier of the ice rink, Boy falling on his backside and me accosting some old man... we finally got into the swing of things. It was great fun, and loads better when the majority of the people buggered off home, leaving the rink a little emptier. Rather fittingly, when we got home that Celebrity Dancing on Ice thingy was on so we ended up watching that for a while. Subsequently, ice dancing has been added to my list of things i am going to learn to do when i have money and things... I'm not sure Spencer and Poppleton will be up there with Torvill and Dean for a while yet though...
I should be going to bed now- i have a 9am lecture tomorrow- madness! I don't think i have seen two 9 o'clocks in one day for about two months. Though I always sleep really badly for the first few days back in my own bed, so i probably won't bother going for a while. You would think i'd sleep better without the snoring, farting, cover stealing, space hogging lump beside me, but no. That's not how it works apparently.
I'm lucky to have got back at all today. Being the hyper-organised being that i am (pfft), i predicted flooding related train delays, and decided to consult the fountain of knowledge that is the National Rail Enquiries website prior to commencing my journey. Feeling highly superior, i carefully selected a non-flooded route and trotted off to the station.
Well. The National Rail Enquiries website LIED. The bastard. Which lead to a four hour, excessively watery journey, highlights of which included a long cold stay in Huddersfield and a magical mystery tour of Manchester. Sigh.
I arrive back to discover that the cleaner wants to clean my room again... she has cleaned it 3 times since i left for Christmas, i have only been back for four days since then- how dirty does she think i am!? And rather more excitingly that Andy and Heather have split up and Andy is in the process of moving out. I can't say i didn't see it coming. They have only been seeing each other about nine months, which by my calculations means they must have agreed to move in with each other having being together only three months. Its a pretty big strain for such a young relationship i would think. Particularly since they seem to have spent every waking moment together, since i've known them anyway. I get the impression that Heather doesn't really have any of her own friends, so they always socialised together. They even do the same course! I think its a credit to them they've managed to refrain from murdering each other for this long. The atmosphere is a tad frosty at the moment, so i gather it wasn't an amicable split. Andy has managed to swap rooms with one of his friends downstairs, which is incredibly generous of his friend i think. Hopefully he will be a decent enough guy to live with. I think i am going to make more of an effort with Heather now she isn't going to be glued to Andy 24/7. I felt guilty about intruding on their couple time before... But now i suppose she will be needing a friend. We shall see anyway.
Yesterday was my birthday, and i think i am now past the stage of being able to convince myself i'm still a teenager. Twenty two is far too grown up. I was eighteen when i met the Boy, all young and nubile... everyone wants an 18 year old girlfriend! I asked him if he still loved me as much now i am 22 and old. He said he did :)
The Boy did indeed buy me a stuffed creature for my birthday, but it is very cute so i think i will forgive him. He also bought me underwear and perfume (the exact same perfume that his parents bought me for Christmas, so now i am going to be bloody swimming in the stuff... i ought to be cross with him for not paying attention, but i just can't bring myself to be... It is very nice perfume at least). Mum restocked my bra collection for me, in order to accommodate my rapidly expanding bosom. Though i say rapidly expanding, i have in fact been wearing the same size bra since i was about 13, so its probably been coming on for a while. I have now achieved my favourite cup size now anyway! I threw some of the manky old bras away today. She also bought me some socks, which is a lot more exciting than it sounds. Previously i had a grand total of zero pairs. I will have to get back into the habit of wearing them.
The Boy and I went ice skating for my birthday which was hilarious... Somewhere along the line, ice skating has apparently become a past time of choice for Chavs... in Bradford at least... and they are surprisingly talented at it! We, however, were not. After a good half an hour clinging onto the barrier of the ice rink, Boy falling on his backside and me accosting some old man... we finally got into the swing of things. It was great fun, and loads better when the majority of the people buggered off home, leaving the rink a little emptier. Rather fittingly, when we got home that Celebrity Dancing on Ice thingy was on so we ended up watching that for a while. Subsequently, ice dancing has been added to my list of things i am going to learn to do when i have money and things... I'm not sure Spencer and Poppleton will be up there with Torvill and Dean for a while yet though...
I should be going to bed now- i have a 9am lecture tomorrow- madness! I don't think i have seen two 9 o'clocks in one day for about two months. Though I always sleep really badly for the first few days back in my own bed, so i probably won't bother going for a while. You would think i'd sleep better without the snoring, farting, cover stealing, space hogging lump beside me, but no. That's not how it works apparently.
Wednesday, 9 January 2008
Yawn...
I'm so tired! I am giving myself a well earned break from revision. Well, i say well earned, but perhaps if i hadn't waited until Monday night to start revising for my exam on Thursday... i wouldn't have had to work quite so flat out. Oh well.
The exam on Monday went reasonably well. The amount of work i put into it, i ought to have done brilliantly well. But i just can't tell with them being essay questions. I know i wrote at least one dumb thing- i got ataxia and agnosia mixed up and wrote that Alzheimer's sufferers show ataxia. I couldn't even know what ataxia means... though i thought it was right at the time. Anyway, i wikipedia-ed it, and, well, Alzheimer's patients really don't have ataxia. Nobface Head of Module will be marking it as well, which doesn't roll in my favour. Oh well. I'm sure i've done enough to pass, which is the main thing i suppose.
I picked my essay marks up yesterday as well. I got 68% in the Neuroscience one, which is fine, particularly since apparently we were all meant to have failed it... I got 65% in my Clinical pathology essay, which is fine as well i suppose. I'm pretty disappointed with that to be honest. When i was writing it, it sounded really good. I did a shit pile of research for it and i honestly thought it was the best thing i'd ever written, despite the incredibly dry subject matter. Plus, i just happened to notice... that someone much stupider and much less conscientious than me (and who i particularly dislike) got 75%. Which seems pretty unlikely. But i suppose that just serves me right for being nosey...
I think, the transition between second and third year is a lot steeper than i previously imagined. Without wanting to sound big-headed, in previous years i've never found it particularly difficult to do well and get firsts in essays and exams, without making any special effort. But this semester it seems as though i have been working my hardest and not coming out with anything spectacular. I'm not going to be 2:1 snob... but i suppose i'm kind of half hoping/expecting to get a first. I know the result is not the be all and end all of getting a degree, and that after i get my first job, noone will much care what degree classification i got. But it would just be nice. I'm not good at much. I'm not good at people and friends and socialising. I'm not good at sport. I'm not a particularly good daughter or girlfriend.I don't even look that good. But I am good at Academia. I can be clever and learn things and get good results. I can impress people and please my parents and feel good about myself that way. I feel like this first expected of me now, which is incredibly pressurising. Maybe i'm just not as clever as i think. Maybe i'm just being a twat. Who knows.
Last exam tomorrow anyway, which is something to look forward to. I am doing strategic revision, so i hope to God it pays off, or i am royally screwed. I'm about past caring at the moment.
Anyway, i was meant to be catching up. Being at home is lovely, but there is no real scope for private computer time. Hence the lack of blogginess. The basic gist is like so:
. I went home
. I watched a lot of TV
. I ate a lot of food (Actually, i ate a lot of junk food. Actually, i ate a lot of chocolate. My skin is being most unforgiving)
. I spent a lot of time with the boy. He spent Christmas day at mine, which was lovely
. I spent not quite enough time at home, and thus spent a lot of time feeling guilty about that
. My sisters annoyed me for various reasons
. I did a bit of revision (With emphasis on the "bit", hence the shit-creek type situation occurring currently)
. I was good and socialised, with Sarah, Beth, Sally and Caz! Four whole people!
And there you have it. Three fun packed weeks in the life of me!
Now i am back in this hole of mediocrity. Not for long however. Mwhahaha.
The exam on Monday went reasonably well. The amount of work i put into it, i ought to have done brilliantly well. But i just can't tell with them being essay questions. I know i wrote at least one dumb thing- i got ataxia and agnosia mixed up and wrote that Alzheimer's sufferers show ataxia. I couldn't even know what ataxia means... though i thought it was right at the time. Anyway, i wikipedia-ed it, and, well, Alzheimer's patients really don't have ataxia. Nobface Head of Module will be marking it as well, which doesn't roll in my favour. Oh well. I'm sure i've done enough to pass, which is the main thing i suppose.
I picked my essay marks up yesterday as well. I got 68% in the Neuroscience one, which is fine, particularly since apparently we were all meant to have failed it... I got 65% in my Clinical pathology essay, which is fine as well i suppose. I'm pretty disappointed with that to be honest. When i was writing it, it sounded really good. I did a shit pile of research for it and i honestly thought it was the best thing i'd ever written, despite the incredibly dry subject matter. Plus, i just happened to notice... that someone much stupider and much less conscientious than me (and who i particularly dislike) got 75%. Which seems pretty unlikely. But i suppose that just serves me right for being nosey...
I think, the transition between second and third year is a lot steeper than i previously imagined. Without wanting to sound big-headed, in previous years i've never found it particularly difficult to do well and get firsts in essays and exams, without making any special effort. But this semester it seems as though i have been working my hardest and not coming out with anything spectacular. I'm not going to be 2:1 snob... but i suppose i'm kind of half hoping/expecting to get a first. I know the result is not the be all and end all of getting a degree, and that after i get my first job, noone will much care what degree classification i got. But it would just be nice. I'm not good at much. I'm not good at people and friends and socialising. I'm not good at sport. I'm not a particularly good daughter or girlfriend.I don't even look that good. But I am good at Academia. I can be clever and learn things and get good results. I can impress people and please my parents and feel good about myself that way. I feel like this first expected of me now, which is incredibly pressurising. Maybe i'm just not as clever as i think. Maybe i'm just being a twat. Who knows.
Last exam tomorrow anyway, which is something to look forward to. I am doing strategic revision, so i hope to God it pays off, or i am royally screwed. I'm about past caring at the moment.
Anyway, i was meant to be catching up. Being at home is lovely, but there is no real scope for private computer time. Hence the lack of blogginess. The basic gist is like so:
. I went home
. I watched a lot of TV
. I ate a lot of food (Actually, i ate a lot of junk food. Actually, i ate a lot of chocolate. My skin is being most unforgiving)
. I spent a lot of time with the boy. He spent Christmas day at mine, which was lovely
. I spent not quite enough time at home, and thus spent a lot of time feeling guilty about that
. My sisters annoyed me for various reasons
. I did a bit of revision (With emphasis on the "bit", hence the shit-creek type situation occurring currently)
. I was good and socialised, with Sarah, Beth, Sally and Caz! Four whole people!
And there you have it. Three fun packed weeks in the life of me!
Now i am back in this hole of mediocrity. Not for long however. Mwhahaha.
Wednesday, 5 December 2007
You Sir, are a cock.
The Boy, being the fool that he is, is working in retail again. Which means that for the rest of December, and most of January, he has to work 6 days a week. He is meant to be working two out of the three remaining Sundays of December. Annoyingly the one he has off is this week, when i am still at uni and won't be able to see him anyway. The two he has to work, are while i am at home, which means i will hardly see him at all. He tried to swap so that he was working this Sunday, but his FUCKING STUPID BASTARD of a CUNTFACE of a NOBCHEESE of a boss won't let him.
HMPH.
HMPH.
Tuesday, 4 December 2007
Under the Weather
There are two cases of Stella Artois in the kitchen, which implies that i will not be getting much sleep tonight. Joy.
I am feeling pretty low at the moment, hence why i haven't really bothered writing, as it would only be depressing rubbish that noone wants to read.
I don't know why i'm feeling so down. I spent a lot of time at home this weekend- it was more of a long weekend really; Thursday to Monday. I skived a couple of lectures to do so, which i ended up feeling immensely guilty about. The anticipation of coming back was just awful. There's no reason why though. I have finished my essays and my project methods section, so have no assessed work left to do. Just the prospect of revision looming. I don't mind revising that much, so i don't know what my problem is really! I just want to be at home with my Boy. I think thats the crux of the matter. The extent to which i want to spend time with him is just ridiculous. I miss him almost constantly. I love him so much. Sob.
I'm such a clingy and demanding girlfriend, its really quite bad.
I think its just end of semester syndrome. I haven't spent a proper bulk of time with him for a while, which makes me forget how annoying he can get after a while... hehe. I need to top up my Wayne levels. The holidays are in ten days time, and i can't wait! I'm really looking forward to it. Not just the seeing him, but seeing Mum and the sisters too, and just generally lazing around and being festive. I have an exam on the first day back though, which is immensely annoying as it means i will actually have to do some work over the holidays.
Mummy Spencer bought some of my Christmas presents this weekend :)
I am currently agonising over an outfit for The Boy's work Christmas meal/ party. I don't know why its so important to me that his co-workers think i am attractive and fashionable... but it is damnit! I have so far discovered nothing worthy of projecting my uber-gorgeous girlfriend image however. Tres stressful!
I am quite in love with this but i don't know if i'd a) be brave enough to wear it, and b) look immensely overdressed in it if i did. It looks pretty rubbish with jeans, so i'd have to wear tights and heels. And i am loathe to do that. Plus its expensive. Plus i'd blatantly hardly ever wear it. I am also quite in love with this Which is cheap. But not quite dressy enough, i feel. Decisions decisions.
Perhaps i will wear an existing outfit and use the money to have my hair cut. It is a frightful mess at the moment. I hate in-betweeny hair. But i am determined not to give in and lop it off again. I will regain my flowing locks! Katie Holmes has a nice new hair-cut. But i don't think Toni&Guy can give me the face to match the hair, which is always disappointing.
Anyway. I should go do something useful. Joy.
I am feeling pretty low at the moment, hence why i haven't really bothered writing, as it would only be depressing rubbish that noone wants to read.
I don't know why i'm feeling so down. I spent a lot of time at home this weekend- it was more of a long weekend really; Thursday to Monday. I skived a couple of lectures to do so, which i ended up feeling immensely guilty about. The anticipation of coming back was just awful. There's no reason why though. I have finished my essays and my project methods section, so have no assessed work left to do. Just the prospect of revision looming. I don't mind revising that much, so i don't know what my problem is really! I just want to be at home with my Boy. I think thats the crux of the matter. The extent to which i want to spend time with him is just ridiculous. I miss him almost constantly. I love him so much. Sob.
I'm such a clingy and demanding girlfriend, its really quite bad.
I think its just end of semester syndrome. I haven't spent a proper bulk of time with him for a while, which makes me forget how annoying he can get after a while... hehe. I need to top up my Wayne levels. The holidays are in ten days time, and i can't wait! I'm really looking forward to it. Not just the seeing him, but seeing Mum and the sisters too, and just generally lazing around and being festive. I have an exam on the first day back though, which is immensely annoying as it means i will actually have to do some work over the holidays.
Mummy Spencer bought some of my Christmas presents this weekend :)
I am currently agonising over an outfit for The Boy's work Christmas meal/ party. I don't know why its so important to me that his co-workers think i am attractive and fashionable... but it is damnit! I have so far discovered nothing worthy of projecting my uber-gorgeous girlfriend image however. Tres stressful!
I am quite in love with this but i don't know if i'd a) be brave enough to wear it, and b) look immensely overdressed in it if i did. It looks pretty rubbish with jeans, so i'd have to wear tights and heels. And i am loathe to do that. Plus its expensive. Plus i'd blatantly hardly ever wear it. I am also quite in love with this Which is cheap. But not quite dressy enough, i feel. Decisions decisions.
Perhaps i will wear an existing outfit and use the money to have my hair cut. It is a frightful mess at the moment. I hate in-betweeny hair. But i am determined not to give in and lop it off again. I will regain my flowing locks! Katie Holmes has a nice new hair-cut. But i don't think Toni&Guy can give me the face to match the hair, which is always disappointing.
Anyway. I should go do something useful. Joy.
Wednesday, 21 November 2007
Phew...
You'll be glad to know i'm no longer being 15. Today i have put on 3 coats of mascara and straightened my hair, and now all is right with the world.
Incidentally, i spent thirteen quid on Urban Decay Big Fatty mascara the other weekend, as my MAC one has run out, and i must say; I Am Not That Impressed. My eyelashes are still distinctly anorexic, and its a bitch to put on. Tres annoying.
I have started a conversation with The Boy which i am distinctly beginning to regret. Its not often that he acts as though he is insecure. He is definitely the most confident and outgoing person i've ever met. And he always seems rather sure of himself. But i think i might have started something... whoopsy...
Its sleazy Mike's birthday tonight and so we are going out for a few beverages. I'm not particularly looking forward to it. I don't really know any of Mike's friends apart from the Korfers, so i have a feeling its going to be a little dull. Plus Mike's girlfriend Trudi is coming, and she is one of those girlfriends who gets twitchy if anything with a vagina so much as breathes near her boyfriend... And she's ignorant to boot. Though how someone with a name like Trudi can feel superior to anyone is a mystery to me...
Anyway. Should be essaying.
Incidentally, i spent thirteen quid on Urban Decay Big Fatty mascara the other weekend, as my MAC one has run out, and i must say; I Am Not That Impressed. My eyelashes are still distinctly anorexic, and its a bitch to put on. Tres annoying.
I have started a conversation with The Boy which i am distinctly beginning to regret. Its not often that he acts as though he is insecure. He is definitely the most confident and outgoing person i've ever met. And he always seems rather sure of himself. But i think i might have started something... whoopsy...
Its sleazy Mike's birthday tonight and so we are going out for a few beverages. I'm not particularly looking forward to it. I don't really know any of Mike's friends apart from the Korfers, so i have a feeling its going to be a little dull. Plus Mike's girlfriend Trudi is coming, and she is one of those girlfriends who gets twitchy if anything with a vagina so much as breathes near her boyfriend... And she's ignorant to boot. Though how someone with a name like Trudi can feel superior to anyone is a mystery to me...
Anyway. Should be essaying.
Thursday, 1 November 2007
Meeeeurrrgh...
I've just polished off an enormous slab of chocolate cake... and its only 11.30am... whoopsy!
I feel quite sick now...
Boy has left already :( I hate these midweek visits, when it seems as though he's barely arrived when he has to go back again for work.
It was lovely tho. We had nice sex and everything. Yay.
I am so unbelievably tired today. The Boy is a little on the large side... so me plus him plus single bed doesn't make for the most restful of sleeps. Plus Phil and Mike went out last night, and brought back Gill and Becca at midnight, so they were sat up talking until about 2am. The walls here are so bloody paper thin, i could hear every word they were saying... Its not what i pay a grand a semester for, i can tell you! They were bitching about Korfball, typically. Becca was being her usual know-it-all self, even though when she's on the pitch, she seems to lack any basic tactical understanding of the game... not that anyone mentions it since she's shagging the Vice-Captain... The first match of the season is on Sunday, and Gill has already picked the team. Charlie, our "first team captain", is not actually on the team. I'm not entirely sure she knows about it yet either... so training will be interesting tonight...
Have a meeting with Glenn shortly, in which i feel sure he is going to pull my project introduction to pieces, and i will cry or something. I went into the hospital on Tuesday for one sample. One whole sample. Remarkable eh.
There is a girl working in the specimen reception at the hospital who i was chatting to on Tuesday. She graduated in Biomedical Science this year from Keele. She has a registration portfolio which she took a year out to do. And she is working in specimen reception... sticking labels on bottles... because there are no trainee BMS posts anywhere. This doesn't fill me confidence about my future prospects. In fact, it pretty much makes me want to throw myself on the floor and cry and scream until i vomit. But hey ho.
True to my father's advice ("Well, just finish your degree, then find a field where there are lots of jobs... and do a degree in that instead!"- Sound advice, if i was planning on entering The Guinness Book of Records with an entry for the world's largest student debt...) i'm thinking of applying to do Medicine sometime in the near future, rather than going into Biomedical Science for a few years first. I'm not sure i have what it takes to be a doctor, but i suppose i'll never know unless i try. Though the prospect of putting my life on hold for the next 10 years, isn't something i relish particularly.
Anyway. More later.
I feel quite sick now...
Boy has left already :( I hate these midweek visits, when it seems as though he's barely arrived when he has to go back again for work.
It was lovely tho. We had nice sex and everything. Yay.
I am so unbelievably tired today. The Boy is a little on the large side... so me plus him plus single bed doesn't make for the most restful of sleeps. Plus Phil and Mike went out last night, and brought back Gill and Becca at midnight, so they were sat up talking until about 2am. The walls here are so bloody paper thin, i could hear every word they were saying... Its not what i pay a grand a semester for, i can tell you! They were bitching about Korfball, typically. Becca was being her usual know-it-all self, even though when she's on the pitch, she seems to lack any basic tactical understanding of the game... not that anyone mentions it since she's shagging the Vice-Captain... The first match of the season is on Sunday, and Gill has already picked the team. Charlie, our "first team captain", is not actually on the team. I'm not entirely sure she knows about it yet either... so training will be interesting tonight...
Have a meeting with Glenn shortly, in which i feel sure he is going to pull my project introduction to pieces, and i will cry or something. I went into the hospital on Tuesday for one sample. One whole sample. Remarkable eh.
There is a girl working in the specimen reception at the hospital who i was chatting to on Tuesday. She graduated in Biomedical Science this year from Keele. She has a registration portfolio which she took a year out to do. And she is working in specimen reception... sticking labels on bottles... because there are no trainee BMS posts anywhere. This doesn't fill me confidence about my future prospects. In fact, it pretty much makes me want to throw myself on the floor and cry and scream until i vomit. But hey ho.
True to my father's advice ("Well, just finish your degree, then find a field where there are lots of jobs... and do a degree in that instead!"- Sound advice, if i was planning on entering The Guinness Book of Records with an entry for the world's largest student debt...) i'm thinking of applying to do Medicine sometime in the near future, rather than going into Biomedical Science for a few years first. I'm not sure i have what it takes to be a doctor, but i suppose i'll never know unless i try. Though the prospect of putting my life on hold for the next 10 years, isn't something i relish particularly.
Anyway. More later.
Wednesday, 24 October 2007
Irritated...
I really need to start thinking of more imaginative titles for my posts...
The internet is being exceptionally slow and shit today, which is pissing me off.
Yesterday i went in to the hospital to discover that there were no samples for me again. Which i am less than impressed by. Its not even as if there literally were no patients to take samples from- i spent a couple of hours in specimen reception this week and last week, and saw at least four serum amylase requests each time. At a rate of four every two hours, i could complete the whole bloody trial in one day, instead of stretching it out over the whole semester... If anyone ever bothers sending the urine samples that is... Its not as though its something i'm putting them out for either! The consultant in A&E wanted this trial doing! Yargh. I refused to spend six hours at the hospital doing nothing, so i came home at about half 11, and futzed around for the rest of the day. Joey and I had drinks and a long chat at The Orange Tree in the evening.
Spoke to Abbie briefly on MSN last night, and she seemed happy enough, having spent the day with her friends. I can't imagine Mum was very happy about her being out with Kayleigh-The-Bad-Influence again, but i am glad she is taking the psychologists advice at least.
Still in a confuddled state about the whole thing. I spent most of the day with her on Monday, shopping and chatting. Bullied her into eating some chips. Mum said she seemed a lot brighter afterwards. I should spend more time with her. Guilt...
I miss The Boy a lot. The weekend was rather strange and disjointed, and so we didn't really get to spend as much time solidly together as i would have liked. Half of the time we did spend together we spent arguing. Or me crying, and us not having sex. To be fair, i haven't exactly been difficult to upset/ annoy recently on account of my increasing stress levels... I shouldn't have taken it out on him.
(He did start an argument with me in the middle of an Indian restaurant about M however, which he fully deserved to be shouted at about... but thats a whole other blog entry...)
Saw a lot of Dad and Maddie this weekend, which was nice. I hardly ever get to see them, which is a bit rubbish. I should make more effort really.
I totally buggered up my budget this weekend also, by "accidentally" spending 50 quid on Elle McPherson underwear, and then since i was in the swing of shopping and had already made a mess of the finances, i bought a jumper from Topshop as well. I was doing so well as well. Sigh.
It is exceptionally nice underwear though. And i never usually have expensive underwear.
I might take the jumper back. I haven't decided yet. Its sitting in the wardrobe, awaiting its fate.
I shop to make me feel better about myself, but then always end up feeling worse with the guilt. Is that an addiction? I don't know.
I need to go to my meeting with my dissertation tutor woman now. She insists on me seeing her every week, but since i'm only in the research stage and i don't really know where she wants me to take the thing, i never have any idea what she wants to talk about. The complement system is infintely boring. Methinks i should have chosen my title more carefully...
The internet is being exceptionally slow and shit today, which is pissing me off.
Yesterday i went in to the hospital to discover that there were no samples for me again. Which i am less than impressed by. Its not even as if there literally were no patients to take samples from- i spent a couple of hours in specimen reception this week and last week, and saw at least four serum amylase requests each time. At a rate of four every two hours, i could complete the whole bloody trial in one day, instead of stretching it out over the whole semester... If anyone ever bothers sending the urine samples that is... Its not as though its something i'm putting them out for either! The consultant in A&E wanted this trial doing! Yargh. I refused to spend six hours at the hospital doing nothing, so i came home at about half 11, and futzed around for the rest of the day. Joey and I had drinks and a long chat at The Orange Tree in the evening.
Spoke to Abbie briefly on MSN last night, and she seemed happy enough, having spent the day with her friends. I can't imagine Mum was very happy about her being out with Kayleigh-The-Bad-Influence again, but i am glad she is taking the psychologists advice at least.
Still in a confuddled state about the whole thing. I spent most of the day with her on Monday, shopping and chatting. Bullied her into eating some chips. Mum said she seemed a lot brighter afterwards. I should spend more time with her. Guilt...
I miss The Boy a lot. The weekend was rather strange and disjointed, and so we didn't really get to spend as much time solidly together as i would have liked. Half of the time we did spend together we spent arguing. Or me crying, and us not having sex. To be fair, i haven't exactly been difficult to upset/ annoy recently on account of my increasing stress levels... I shouldn't have taken it out on him.
(He did start an argument with me in the middle of an Indian restaurant about M however, which he fully deserved to be shouted at about... but thats a whole other blog entry...)
Saw a lot of Dad and Maddie this weekend, which was nice. I hardly ever get to see them, which is a bit rubbish. I should make more effort really.
I totally buggered up my budget this weekend also, by "accidentally" spending 50 quid on Elle McPherson underwear, and then since i was in the swing of shopping and had already made a mess of the finances, i bought a jumper from Topshop as well. I was doing so well as well. Sigh.
It is exceptionally nice underwear though. And i never usually have expensive underwear.
I might take the jumper back. I haven't decided yet. Its sitting in the wardrobe, awaiting its fate.
I shop to make me feel better about myself, but then always end up feeling worse with the guilt. Is that an addiction? I don't know.
I need to go to my meeting with my dissertation tutor woman now. She insists on me seeing her every week, but since i'm only in the research stage and i don't really know where she wants me to take the thing, i never have any idea what she wants to talk about. The complement system is infintely boring. Methinks i should have chosen my title more carefully...
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