I meant much much later, clearly! I can't imagine anyone reads this anymore anyway. In fact i am contemplating deleting it, and starting again. There is so much stuff in here lately which i am quiet deeply ashamed of. Maybe a fresh start is called for.
This would involve sorting my life out however, which as is always the case with me, is much easier said than done.
In happier news, i'm the not so new girl at work now. I can do things. And i get paid. Woop.
I'm sure one day i'll get round to writing a proper update, but right now my head aches.
Zzzz....
Showing posts with label Nothingness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Nothingness. Show all posts
Tuesday, 2 September 2008
Thursday, 12 June 2008
Yawn...
I'm pretty sure i have about 25 other posts with this title, but at the moment i can't really be bothereed thinking of a more imaginative one. So tough.
I have only been at home for 2 and a half days and i'm already fantastically bored. Daffyd drove me home on Thursday with all my worldly possessions, and was well received by the family, which is always good. We drove back to Keele the same night in order to attend the Bristol tournament this weekend. Which was pleasant enough. KUKC came 4th! Out of 22! Not last! Fucking Christ knows how we managed that, there were some fierce competitors but hey, its a nice end to our season. It always amuses me when good teams lose to Keele. They get so very cross. Castle came third from last, so they were all a little grumpy... The social in the evening was rubbish, and the tent sleeping was worse. But all in all, not a terrible way to spend the weekend. Sunday was spent back in Keele again with Daffyd, and then Monday i came home. Tomorrow i am going back to Keele again to pick up my results and play some more- i can't wait!
I am starting work on the 23rd of June which is terrifically scary.
I can't really be bothered to elaborate more than this... bit of a pointless post really...
I have only been at home for 2 and a half days and i'm already fantastically bored. Daffyd drove me home on Thursday with all my worldly possessions, and was well received by the family, which is always good. We drove back to Keele the same night in order to attend the Bristol tournament this weekend. Which was pleasant enough. KUKC came 4th! Out of 22! Not last! Fucking Christ knows how we managed that, there were some fierce competitors but hey, its a nice end to our season. It always amuses me when good teams lose to Keele. They get so very cross. Castle came third from last, so they were all a little grumpy... The social in the evening was rubbish, and the tent sleeping was worse. But all in all, not a terrible way to spend the weekend. Sunday was spent back in Keele again with Daffyd, and then Monday i came home. Tomorrow i am going back to Keele again to pick up my results and play some more- i can't wait!
I am starting work on the 23rd of June which is terrifically scary.
I can't really be bothered to elaborate more than this... bit of a pointless post really...
Monday, 2 June 2008
Faster the Chase
Life has been moving along at a rather leisurely pace since university finished. I have spent my time eating, sleeping, reading non-university prescribed texts (woohoo!), watching Heroes and snuggling up to Daffyd.
Last Saturday was Korf PVP (past vs. present), where a selection of old players came up to uni for a game and whole lot of drinking. I forget who won the match now, no one takes it particularly seriously, I think it was probably the past team though... Sunday there was a mini tournament type thing organised by Castle, which suffered slightly from lack of people to make up teams, and so ended up just being a 3 hour game of korfball… which was a tad tiring! Maz came and crashed on my floor for the weekend, which was cool having not seen her for a long while. Though she does consistently make me wonder how she survives in the real world…
I certainly suffered after my sporty weekend, having not trained for a few weeks!
This weekend was the infamous Castle Tournament. Dave and I got up at 7 on Saturday morning to pack up all the camping and korfing gear, pick up a couple of other korfers from their respective houses and toddle off to the rugby club, arriving at 8. We then spent 2 hours helping to set up, building gazebos, marking out pitches, making sandwiches etc… Thus followed about 8 hours of solid korfing and trying valiantly not to fall over on the Astroturf pitches (read: glorified sand paper), with some intermittent water drinking and sun cream application. The weather was absolutely glorious, despite a pretty unspectacular couple of weeks. As pathetic as my skin is, I was burning through my t-shirt in the 8am sun, so I spent most of the day obsessively slathering on factor 30. As a consequence, I think I am actually whiter now than I was to begin with… ace. In true KUKC style, we came last, managing to be beaten even by the team which was only assembled at Christmas… which I helped to train…
The social in the evening was a good laugh, with a performance from Tom’s band and lots of general drinking and dancing-ness. We crashed out in our tents at about 1am… to be woken at about 5 by a rather impressive car boot sale set up about 100 feet from our tents. Most of us were up by 7, stood outside the tents looking bleary eyed and sunburnt; and making fun of the car boot sale goers and the drunken antics of the previous night. Dave and I packed up and were home for about 9 to go back to bed for a couple of hours. We spent the rest of the day eating, unpacking, eating, generally tarting about and eating…
Dave is in school next week on placement, so I am going to have to amuse myself for a lot of the time. We have spent pretty much the last fortnight together constantly… and in all honesty it has been lovely. At the risk of speaking to soon, things seem to be going really well. I told him I loved him on Saturday night, in our tent, because, well, I do. In my own way, which I suppose will be difficult to understand. His response? “About bloody time, I’ve properly loved you for ages!”
Oh.
I am still getting used to this different kind of relationship- trying to be less clingy and demanding and selfish and unreasonable, not being able to get away with it anymore. Dave is much less tolerant and indulgent of me. He doesn’t worship the very ground I walk on. There is no pedestal for me to sit on here! It’s a little difficult and I don’t altogether like it, but perhaps it will make me a better person in the end? I don’t know. For the most part, there are no issues, and things are just Lovely.
I am dreading the time when I have to go home and be alone. When I am most likely going to realise the enormity of the change, the loss of The Boy shaped comfort blanket, the utter dreadfulness of my recent behaviour, the immersion of myself into another ridiculous long distance relationship which may not even work out because Dave can be an arse sometimes (conveniently forgetting that this is true of all men…) and I am most probably on the rebound anyway… But for now I choose not to face up any of this.
Dave is taking me home on Friday night… which is going to be excellent to explain to my mother… Then we maybe off to Bristol for another Korfy tournament, though I haven’t decided if I really want to go yet. I am of the tendency to wallow, at the moment and tournaments mean effort, even if it is fun in the end.
Plus I have NO money, and a million things to pay for, which is a bit of a bum.
That is all.
Last Saturday was Korf PVP (past vs. present), where a selection of old players came up to uni for a game and whole lot of drinking. I forget who won the match now, no one takes it particularly seriously, I think it was probably the past team though... Sunday there was a mini tournament type thing organised by Castle, which suffered slightly from lack of people to make up teams, and so ended up just being a 3 hour game of korfball… which was a tad tiring! Maz came and crashed on my floor for the weekend, which was cool having not seen her for a long while. Though she does consistently make me wonder how she survives in the real world…
I certainly suffered after my sporty weekend, having not trained for a few weeks!
This weekend was the infamous Castle Tournament. Dave and I got up at 7 on Saturday morning to pack up all the camping and korfing gear, pick up a couple of other korfers from their respective houses and toddle off to the rugby club, arriving at 8. We then spent 2 hours helping to set up, building gazebos, marking out pitches, making sandwiches etc… Thus followed about 8 hours of solid korfing and trying valiantly not to fall over on the Astroturf pitches (read: glorified sand paper), with some intermittent water drinking and sun cream application. The weather was absolutely glorious, despite a pretty unspectacular couple of weeks. As pathetic as my skin is, I was burning through my t-shirt in the 8am sun, so I spent most of the day obsessively slathering on factor 30. As a consequence, I think I am actually whiter now than I was to begin with… ace. In true KUKC style, we came last, managing to be beaten even by the team which was only assembled at Christmas… which I helped to train…
The social in the evening was a good laugh, with a performance from Tom’s band and lots of general drinking and dancing-ness. We crashed out in our tents at about 1am… to be woken at about 5 by a rather impressive car boot sale set up about 100 feet from our tents. Most of us were up by 7, stood outside the tents looking bleary eyed and sunburnt; and making fun of the car boot sale goers and the drunken antics of the previous night. Dave and I packed up and were home for about 9 to go back to bed for a couple of hours. We spent the rest of the day eating, unpacking, eating, generally tarting about and eating…
Dave is in school next week on placement, so I am going to have to amuse myself for a lot of the time. We have spent pretty much the last fortnight together constantly… and in all honesty it has been lovely. At the risk of speaking to soon, things seem to be going really well. I told him I loved him on Saturday night, in our tent, because, well, I do. In my own way, which I suppose will be difficult to understand. His response? “About bloody time, I’ve properly loved you for ages!”
Oh.
I am still getting used to this different kind of relationship- trying to be less clingy and demanding and selfish and unreasonable, not being able to get away with it anymore. Dave is much less tolerant and indulgent of me. He doesn’t worship the very ground I walk on. There is no pedestal for me to sit on here! It’s a little difficult and I don’t altogether like it, but perhaps it will make me a better person in the end? I don’t know. For the most part, there are no issues, and things are just Lovely.
I am dreading the time when I have to go home and be alone. When I am most likely going to realise the enormity of the change, the loss of The Boy shaped comfort blanket, the utter dreadfulness of my recent behaviour, the immersion of myself into another ridiculous long distance relationship which may not even work out because Dave can be an arse sometimes (conveniently forgetting that this is true of all men…) and I am most probably on the rebound anyway… But for now I choose not to face up any of this.
Dave is taking me home on Friday night… which is going to be excellent to explain to my mother… Then we maybe off to Bristol for another Korfy tournament, though I haven’t decided if I really want to go yet. I am of the tendency to wallow, at the moment and tournaments mean effort, even if it is fun in the end.
Plus I have NO money, and a million things to pay for, which is a bit of a bum.
That is all.
Sunday, 18 May 2008
Comfortably numb
Well, i got the job. Christ knows how, i'm certainly not the greatest interviewee ever. But whatever. I am now a trainee immunologist! 60 people applied for that job. 60! They interviewed about 20 i think. And they gave it to me. Me me meeee. Mwhahaha.
The lab itself is really big and specialised. A world away from the one in Stoke. Seems kind of quiet and serious though and the workforce is leaning towards the aged... not sure how well i will fit in, but hopefully it shouldn't be too bad. Its a step in the right direction, if nothing else.
The lab manager thinks i am still at uni (which i suppose technically i am...), so i have a month or so off to doss around now before i can start work. They have references and CRB checks to sort out though, so i don't feel too guilty about it.
I feel far too grown up.
This weekend i went down to London with The Boy and his awful, arrogant, crack snorting, binge drinking bands. The gig was good, but the company was strained so all in all not the best day. And the 14 hours travelling... not so good either. I detest travelling.
I have spent most of the weekend itching to get back to Daffyd. But now it comes to it i desperately miss The Boy.
We all know Facebastard rules the world, and The Boy's "relationship status" is now set as "single" which i guess makes things official.
I would like my old life back please.
The lab itself is really big and specialised. A world away from the one in Stoke. Seems kind of quiet and serious though and the workforce is leaning towards the aged... not sure how well i will fit in, but hopefully it shouldn't be too bad. Its a step in the right direction, if nothing else.
The lab manager thinks i am still at uni (which i suppose technically i am...), so i have a month or so off to doss around now before i can start work. They have references and CRB checks to sort out though, so i don't feel too guilty about it.
I feel far too grown up.
This weekend i went down to London with The Boy and his awful, arrogant, crack snorting, binge drinking bands. The gig was good, but the company was strained so all in all not the best day. And the 14 hours travelling... not so good either. I detest travelling.
I have spent most of the weekend itching to get back to Daffyd. But now it comes to it i desperately miss The Boy.
We all know Facebastard rules the world, and The Boy's "relationship status" is now set as "single" which i guess makes things official.
I would like my old life back please.
Wednesday, 14 May 2008
Summer is 'ere...
Wow so I have been pretty lax with my updating again… Not that anyone much cares, I suspect!
I have had a really lovely couple of days. After spending a week at home recovering from the post exam dissertation slog, I came back to uni for Joey’s birthday outing this Friday as promised. I have to admit I wasn’t much looking forward to going, but I ended up having an ace time. I was once again shamed for my frequent episodes of Jo related bitterness by Jo’s boyfriend Dave, who thanked me drunkenly and profusely for coming out, telling me “everyday I hear something about you Rach, I’m so glad she’s got you”.
Bless.
Woke up on Saturday morning feeling massively hungover and spent most of the day tarting around doing nothing in particular. The weather has been glorious for the past week or so, so on Saturday night Dave and Alex built the barbeque in a manly fashion and me, Katie and the majority of the residents of the PGCE block spent the evening eating burgers, drinking alcohol, playing football and just generally enjoying the nice weather. Oh, and talking about being teachers…. (not me and Katie though….)
On Sunday, Dave woke me up at some ungodly hour and we prepared food to go on a picnic. We spent the day at Trentham Gardens, eating, lounging around sunbathing, people watching etc. We had a really lovely time together. Shockingly.
I now have some rather fetching sunburn. Red and white and stripey, it’s a good look.
Monday was another impromptu barbeque, this time with Roo in attendance and yesterday Dave and I spent together doing nothing in particular again….
Anyway. I have now officially finished university. I successfully managed to write my dissertation and some other awful biochemistry literature review thing in five days, so as of the first of May 2008, everything was done and handed in. Finito. Woop. What an immense feeling of relief that was. Though naturally, me being me, the exuberance wore off very quickly, once I got bored of having nothing to do.
So now I have to join the real world. Which is upsetting to say the least. I have a job interview next Friday for an immunology post at a hospital not too far from home. Immunology isn’t microbiology, but it’s always been a toss up between the two disciplines to be fair. I would really really really like this job. So fingers crossed.
In less sensible news, I have no idea who my boyfriend is, and it seems unlikely that I ever will. The Boy and I have been apart for about six seven eight weeks… I don’t even know. Daffyd and I have been “seeing” each other pretty much the whole time since then. Things were a little rough at first and seemed much more difficult than they should have been. I at one point came to the conclusion that things weren’t going to work with him and was going to finish it. But in hindsight, it was a stressful time of exams and work and breaking up with people and rumours and gossiping and… yeah. Whatever. Things started being nice again, I was too much of a chicken to end things and so… it would appear we’re “in a relationship” as Facebastard would say. The thing is, The Boy is still desperate to try things again. I’m in two minds. When things were horrible with Daffyd, the temptation to go running back was immense. I would ring him and we would chat and it’d be nice. Whilst at home last week I spent a little time with him. Things were easy and comfortable and do-able, I suppose. But it doesn’t feel the same. I am terrified by the prospect of not loving him anymore.
There is only one actual solution to this problem, and that is to have neither of them. I am never going to decide who I want and it’s not even fair that I should be allowed to. I always want the one I’m not with and as a consequence am constantly flitting backwards and forwards between them, forming no meaningful commitment to either of them. Everytime I have a nice day with one, I decide upon them… until the next time I have a nice day with the other one… I have possibly managed to build myself the “perfect relationship”. The conversation, laughter and convenience of The Boy, and the sex, excitement and alternate convenience of Daffyd. Of course, if I truly liked either of them, I wouldn’t be able to behave this way, would I?
But being single is not an attractive option. In my head it is a fabulous meld of Sex and The City and Bridget Jones- all expensive shoes and drinking too much wine. But the harsh reality is that I have no friends, no job, no money, nowhere to live and family that annoy me. So…
Am tempted to give things a try with The Boy again. Three years is a long time and its not like I will have lost anything through trying (except Daffyd… but then is he really likely to be a forever thing anyway…?). If only I could make myself feel the way I felt about him just a few months ago. But then I have lovely days with Dave, and I think “this could work, it really could”
That is all.
I have had a really lovely couple of days. After spending a week at home recovering from the post exam dissertation slog, I came back to uni for Joey’s birthday outing this Friday as promised. I have to admit I wasn’t much looking forward to going, but I ended up having an ace time. I was once again shamed for my frequent episodes of Jo related bitterness by Jo’s boyfriend Dave, who thanked me drunkenly and profusely for coming out, telling me “everyday I hear something about you Rach, I’m so glad she’s got you”.
Bless.
Woke up on Saturday morning feeling massively hungover and spent most of the day tarting around doing nothing in particular. The weather has been glorious for the past week or so, so on Saturday night Dave and Alex built the barbeque in a manly fashion and me, Katie and the majority of the residents of the PGCE block spent the evening eating burgers, drinking alcohol, playing football and just generally enjoying the nice weather. Oh, and talking about being teachers…. (not me and Katie though….)
On Sunday, Dave woke me up at some ungodly hour and we prepared food to go on a picnic. We spent the day at Trentham Gardens, eating, lounging around sunbathing, people watching etc. We had a really lovely time together. Shockingly.
I now have some rather fetching sunburn. Red and white and stripey, it’s a good look.
Monday was another impromptu barbeque, this time with Roo in attendance and yesterday Dave and I spent together doing nothing in particular again….
Anyway. I have now officially finished university. I successfully managed to write my dissertation and some other awful biochemistry literature review thing in five days, so as of the first of May 2008, everything was done and handed in. Finito. Woop. What an immense feeling of relief that was. Though naturally, me being me, the exuberance wore off very quickly, once I got bored of having nothing to do.
So now I have to join the real world. Which is upsetting to say the least. I have a job interview next Friday for an immunology post at a hospital not too far from home. Immunology isn’t microbiology, but it’s always been a toss up between the two disciplines to be fair. I would really really really like this job. So fingers crossed.
In less sensible news, I have no idea who my boyfriend is, and it seems unlikely that I ever will. The Boy and I have been apart for about six seven eight weeks… I don’t even know. Daffyd and I have been “seeing” each other pretty much the whole time since then. Things were a little rough at first and seemed much more difficult than they should have been. I at one point came to the conclusion that things weren’t going to work with him and was going to finish it. But in hindsight, it was a stressful time of exams and work and breaking up with people and rumours and gossiping and… yeah. Whatever. Things started being nice again, I was too much of a chicken to end things and so… it would appear we’re “in a relationship” as Facebastard would say. The thing is, The Boy is still desperate to try things again. I’m in two minds. When things were horrible with Daffyd, the temptation to go running back was immense. I would ring him and we would chat and it’d be nice. Whilst at home last week I spent a little time with him. Things were easy and comfortable and do-able, I suppose. But it doesn’t feel the same. I am terrified by the prospect of not loving him anymore.
There is only one actual solution to this problem, and that is to have neither of them. I am never going to decide who I want and it’s not even fair that I should be allowed to. I always want the one I’m not with and as a consequence am constantly flitting backwards and forwards between them, forming no meaningful commitment to either of them. Everytime I have a nice day with one, I decide upon them… until the next time I have a nice day with the other one… I have possibly managed to build myself the “perfect relationship”. The conversation, laughter and convenience of The Boy, and the sex, excitement and alternate convenience of Daffyd. Of course, if I truly liked either of them, I wouldn’t be able to behave this way, would I?
But being single is not an attractive option. In my head it is a fabulous meld of Sex and The City and Bridget Jones- all expensive shoes and drinking too much wine. But the harsh reality is that I have no friends, no job, no money, nowhere to live and family that annoy me. So…
Am tempted to give things a try with The Boy again. Three years is a long time and its not like I will have lost anything through trying (except Daffyd… but then is he really likely to be a forever thing anyway…?). If only I could make myself feel the way I felt about him just a few months ago. But then I have lovely days with Dave, and I think “this could work, it really could”
That is all.
Monday, 7 April 2008
Male Free Week
Day One:
Mood: Confused, tearful, moany...
Nausea Status: High
Boy Contact: Some minor MSNing...
Revision: AMI and breast cancer cases written up
Revision actually absorbed into brain: None....
Mood: Confused, tearful, moany...
Nausea Status: High
Boy Contact: Some minor MSNing...
Revision: AMI and breast cancer cases written up
Revision actually absorbed into brain: None....
Saturday, 8 March 2008
Save the last one...
I put my ballet shoes on this afternoon. (Yes this is the extent to which i will go to avoid writing my dissertation). I don't think i've had them on since i was about 19, and those bastards hurt after all this time.
I miss being able to dance. The expression, the skill, the cameraderie, the excitement, the awe of others. Even the sewing, the hairspray, the cramp, the lost Saturdays and the panic.
I hate being grown up. Its so restrictive.
I miss being able to dance. The expression, the skill, the cameraderie, the excitement, the awe of others. Even the sewing, the hairspray, the cramp, the lost Saturdays and the panic.
I hate being grown up. Its so restrictive.
Friday, 7 March 2008
Untouchable...
Monday, 25 February 2008
Great Scot, Marty!
I've had this bastard in my head for about 3 days now... for no apparent reason:
And now its in your head. Ha.
And now its in your head. Ha.
Sunday, 24 February 2008
Life Since Pop
Yesterday i went round to Roo and Dave's flat for a bit of social activity.
The front door was locked and neither of them were answering their phones so i went to knock on Alex's window to see if he would let me in.
He opened the window, looked me up and down for a couple of seconds and then said "mate, seriously, you have the best tits." Before promptly shutting the window and fucking off.
I never did get in...
The front door was locked and neither of them were answering their phones so i went to knock on Alex's window to see if he would let me in.
He opened the window, looked me up and down for a couple of seconds and then said "mate, seriously, you have the best tits." Before promptly shutting the window and fucking off.
I never did get in...
Wednesday, 20 February 2008
Come Alive
I always imagined that if i got pregnant at an inconvenient time then i would quite easily be able to have an abortion. Just because i am selfish and ambitious and i have a defined plan of my life, and babies before the age of twenty five don't feature in it. I am not overly emotional and am very sensible about these things and thought (naively, i suppose) that something like an abortion would never phase me particularly.
Recently i started to think that i were to fall pregnant now, there would really be no excuse to have an abortion, since i am not ridiculously young, i am in a loving relationship and my degree is nearly over. It would be incovenient, and expensive. But not life destroying. And compared to the years of mental anguish and guilt presented by having an abortion, having a baby would be amazing.
My Biomed Case Study this week is about teenage pregnancy. Cue lots of unpleasant reading about abortion, and abortion techniques. Some of these things make my stomach turn and my heart ache.
I'm not going to go all crazy and Pro-Life on you all, but i can honestly say i would never be able to bring myself to abort a child of mine now.
Recently i started to think that i were to fall pregnant now, there would really be no excuse to have an abortion, since i am not ridiculously young, i am in a loving relationship and my degree is nearly over. It would be incovenient, and expensive. But not life destroying. And compared to the years of mental anguish and guilt presented by having an abortion, having a baby would be amazing.
My Biomed Case Study this week is about teenage pregnancy. Cue lots of unpleasant reading about abortion, and abortion techniques. Some of these things make my stomach turn and my heart ache.
I'm not going to go all crazy and Pro-Life on you all, but i can honestly say i would never be able to bring myself to abort a child of mine now.
Saturday, 16 February 2008
Self Preservation
"Don't leave the one you love for the one you like. Because the one you like will leave you for the one they love"
Seems particularly apt.
Seems particularly apt.
Monday, 11 February 2008
Hello, sunshine.
It is frosty and freezing, but the sky is clear and the sun is out. And the people of Keele appear to have developed some temporary sunshine induced insanity. I saw a guy walking into town earlier in some cut off trousers, t-shirt and sunglasses... When will these people learn! Sunshine does not equate to warmth. Particularly in the English midlands...
I think i might be getting better! Whoop! I'm not going to speak to soon though...
This weekend at home has been strained and not altogether pleasant. I think i have managed to hold it together just sufficiently to keep The Boy happy.
I haven't seen Daffyd now for four days and haven't spoken to him for two. The last time i did speak to him he was particularly vicious towards me, apparently due to some supposed slight which i thought we had already dealt with. I suspect his behaviour was an attempt on his part to sabotage the friendship in order for him to cut ties, forget about me and carry on as normal. Or that he was jealous that i was at home with The Boy. Or maybe i am just being presumptuous and he was just in a bad mood like he said. He did apologise at least. I'm not sure how things stand between us right now.
Now i really, really need to go and do some work.
I think i might be getting better! Whoop! I'm not going to speak to soon though...
This weekend at home has been strained and not altogether pleasant. I think i have managed to hold it together just sufficiently to keep The Boy happy.
I haven't seen Daffyd now for four days and haven't spoken to him for two. The last time i did speak to him he was particularly vicious towards me, apparently due to some supposed slight which i thought we had already dealt with. I suspect his behaviour was an attempt on his part to sabotage the friendship in order for him to cut ties, forget about me and carry on as normal. Or that he was jealous that i was at home with The Boy. Or maybe i am just being presumptuous and he was just in a bad mood like he said. He did apologise at least. I'm not sure how things stand between us right now.
Now i really, really need to go and do some work.
Thursday, 24 January 2008
Black Dog
A little while ago, someone directed a comment at me, which has been playing on my mind ever since.
It went along the lines of "depression is a disease that you never recover from, get back on the medication"
For as long as i can remember i have been unhappy. My parents both abused me, emotionally and to a certain extent physically, at various points throughout my youth. It never really registered that they had done any lasting damage. I've always seen myself as just not a very cheerful person. Some people are cheerful a lot, and can see the bright side of life. Some people get angry and stressed and dwell on the negative points of life. That's just the way it is.
The thing about negativity is that it accumulates. Irrational and derogatory thought patterns are easily fallen into. And once you're in that place, you become vulnerable to all the mind-fuck the world cares to throw at you.
About two years ago, i came to realise that the state my head was in at that point in time, life was literally not worth living. Bullying is unpleasant from anyone. But the bully in your head is the most vicious and relentless of all, and mine was working overtime. I had always thought that depression was something other people had. I thought that if i told someone i was depressed, they would laugh in my face and tell me to stop being a silly little girl, that only grown-ups had depression. To a certain extent, i still fear that reaction, particularly from my parents.
In reality, noone laughed in my face. Doctors were helpful and sympathetic and friends were concerned and upset. I took the antidepressants and i felt better. My little pool of serotonin filled up again. After about a year, i stopped taking them.
Some people think antidepressants are dangerous, addictive, mind altering drugs, which have no place in the effective treatment of mental illness. Other people apparently think they are an emotional crutch.
I think antidepressants have a perfectly valid role in the treatment of mental illness, and their use shouldn't be discounted because of public misconception and hysteria. But i don't think that a diagnosis of depression should necessitate a lifelong prescription. This notion that depression can never be recovered from seems incredibly defeatist to me.
I for one certainly don't intend to spend the rest of my life being a slave to my serotonin levels. The thought patterns, they still need work. But its do-able. Sitting back and saying "oh well i'm depressed now, thats it forever, pass me the pills". Just seems a little strange to me.
I know i don't make much sense. Feel free to contradict.
It went along the lines of "depression is a disease that you never recover from, get back on the medication"
For as long as i can remember i have been unhappy. My parents both abused me, emotionally and to a certain extent physically, at various points throughout my youth. It never really registered that they had done any lasting damage. I've always seen myself as just not a very cheerful person. Some people are cheerful a lot, and can see the bright side of life. Some people get angry and stressed and dwell on the negative points of life. That's just the way it is.
The thing about negativity is that it accumulates. Irrational and derogatory thought patterns are easily fallen into. And once you're in that place, you become vulnerable to all the mind-fuck the world cares to throw at you.
About two years ago, i came to realise that the state my head was in at that point in time, life was literally not worth living. Bullying is unpleasant from anyone. But the bully in your head is the most vicious and relentless of all, and mine was working overtime. I had always thought that depression was something other people had. I thought that if i told someone i was depressed, they would laugh in my face and tell me to stop being a silly little girl, that only grown-ups had depression. To a certain extent, i still fear that reaction, particularly from my parents.
In reality, noone laughed in my face. Doctors were helpful and sympathetic and friends were concerned and upset. I took the antidepressants and i felt better. My little pool of serotonin filled up again. After about a year, i stopped taking them.
Some people think antidepressants are dangerous, addictive, mind altering drugs, which have no place in the effective treatment of mental illness. Other people apparently think they are an emotional crutch.
I think antidepressants have a perfectly valid role in the treatment of mental illness, and their use shouldn't be discounted because of public misconception and hysteria. But i don't think that a diagnosis of depression should necessitate a lifelong prescription. This notion that depression can never be recovered from seems incredibly defeatist to me.
I for one certainly don't intend to spend the rest of my life being a slave to my serotonin levels. The thought patterns, they still need work. But its do-able. Sitting back and saying "oh well i'm depressed now, thats it forever, pass me the pills". Just seems a little strange to me.
I know i don't make much sense. Feel free to contradict.
Thursday, 11 October 2007
Anticlimax...
He's gone now : (
I knew this was going to happen. I waited so long to see him, and built it up so much. And then the time he was here just flew by. It seemed as though he'd barely arrived when he had to leave again.
On Tuesday night i cooked tea for him, and we went out for drinks with Katie and Roo. Wednesday we got up late, futzed around. He spent fucking hours setting up my new printer... which i was less than happy about. When he was finally ready we went into town for a bit. Came back and had tea and wine, and then went to the KPA with Katie and corridor-Michael, and drank more wine. Roo and the Castle Korfballers were there after while too. It was a good laugh, and i love the way he so easily mixes with my friends. He's so funny and likeable.
Wasn't intending on sharing him quite so much while he was here, but hey ho.
I managed to ruin any attempts at passionate sex, but i can't even be bothered to talk about that right now. Lets just leave it at: I'm a fucking psycho.
I went to my nine o'clock this morning, yawned most of the way through it, and then came home and went back to bed until 12. As such, it is nearly 2 o'clock, and i have done absolutely nothing useful at all today. I'm so bloody stressed about my project draft. But not stressed enough to actually do any work on it apparently... Sigh.
I have to go to a Korfball tournament on Saturday, which involves setting off from Keele at 6.45am. I think the chances of that happening are less than slim. It is a Fresher's tournament, and i'm not a bloody Fresher, so its not like theres any need for me to go. I should go really, its not like i have anything better to do... I'll probably have fun when i get there. I just can't face the idea of being awake at that time.
I also realised while The Boy was here that we're going to be in London for Karl's birthday on the 17th of November... which is also the date of the Korfball regionals in Leeds. I fear this is going to make me exceptionally unpopular tonight...
Ah well.
Going to see Joey's new kitten George this afternoon : )
Back to counting down the days...
I knew this was going to happen. I waited so long to see him, and built it up so much. And then the time he was here just flew by. It seemed as though he'd barely arrived when he had to leave again.
On Tuesday night i cooked tea for him, and we went out for drinks with Katie and Roo. Wednesday we got up late, futzed around. He spent fucking hours setting up my new printer... which i was less than happy about. When he was finally ready we went into town for a bit. Came back and had tea and wine, and then went to the KPA with Katie and corridor-Michael, and drank more wine. Roo and the Castle Korfballers were there after while too. It was a good laugh, and i love the way he so easily mixes with my friends. He's so funny and likeable.
Wasn't intending on sharing him quite so much while he was here, but hey ho.
I managed to ruin any attempts at passionate sex, but i can't even be bothered to talk about that right now. Lets just leave it at: I'm a fucking psycho.
I went to my nine o'clock this morning, yawned most of the way through it, and then came home and went back to bed until 12. As such, it is nearly 2 o'clock, and i have done absolutely nothing useful at all today. I'm so bloody stressed about my project draft. But not stressed enough to actually do any work on it apparently... Sigh.
I have to go to a Korfball tournament on Saturday, which involves setting off from Keele at 6.45am. I think the chances of that happening are less than slim. It is a Fresher's tournament, and i'm not a bloody Fresher, so its not like theres any need for me to go. I should go really, its not like i have anything better to do... I'll probably have fun when i get there. I just can't face the idea of being awake at that time.
I also realised while The Boy was here that we're going to be in London for Karl's birthday on the 17th of November... which is also the date of the Korfball regionals in Leeds. I fear this is going to make me exceptionally unpopular tonight...
Ah well.
Going to see Joey's new kitten George this afternoon : )
Back to counting down the days...
Wednesday, 19 September 2007
Nervous
Lots of things have happened in the past couple of days. I can't really be bothered writing about them, but here goes anyway. I went home at the weekend... even though i was meant to be being brave... But i finished work at 2pm on Friday and couldn't face the thought of nearly three whole days on my own. Plus The Boy was skiving work with a throat infection, so we got more time together than we shoould have done. We went out on Saturday night to see Eris play at The Snooty, and then we went round town with Boy's work friends. I was determined not to be left in a corner as usual so made a really big effort with all the Eris guys and I ended up getting on pretty well with Boy's female colleagues so ended up having a really good time. I was quite proud of myself!
On Monday i moved into my swanky new W block room. *Note to self: carrying a case, three bags and a laptop across campus, alone, in the pouring rain, is not a recipe for happiness. But at least i'm out of the stink hole that is Hawthornes now. I'm all alone in the block at the moment, which is more than a little disconcerting... the place is bloody enormous and full of random, terrifying noises. It feels incredibly strange to be living in a student block alone. I'm actually looking forward to everyone else getting here. It will be strange to have to get to know a whole new set of people again, but i've decided it doesn't matter hugely if we don't get on so well, since i still have Roo and Katie. As long as they're bearable, i'll be happy. And at least i won't have to share a bathroom with any of them : )
Actually, nothing much apart from that has happened. Went round to Roo's again for a bit last night which was lovely, and also met up with Ann for a bit in the pub. We always seem to end up talking about Dave and his "issues", which is slightly disconcerting, but she's a nice girl. It'll be good to get to know her better.
The Lab Tour of Doom is tomorrow. I've been doing practise tours all week and to be perfectly honest am bored rigid of them right now... but in a few hours it will all be over. Can't wait! I'm not quite as ecstatic as i imagined i would be to finish placement, but then i think that is probably more a symptom of the fact that i appear to be clinically incapable of being happy about anything at the moment. Or maybe the excitement is just masked by nerves... who knows. My assessor is Joey's training officer from Stafford, so hopefully he will be nice. I'm sure she would have mentioned it if he wasn't...
Feeling really down at the moment. Just want to crawl into bed and stay there for a few years. Not quite sure why, but i am sure that this is not a good road to be going down, especially at this point in the year.
I miss The Boy a lot.
On Monday i moved into my swanky new W block room. *Note to self: carrying a case, three bags and a laptop across campus, alone, in the pouring rain, is not a recipe for happiness. But at least i'm out of the stink hole that is Hawthornes now. I'm all alone in the block at the moment, which is more than a little disconcerting... the place is bloody enormous and full of random, terrifying noises. It feels incredibly strange to be living in a student block alone. I'm actually looking forward to everyone else getting here. It will be strange to have to get to know a whole new set of people again, but i've decided it doesn't matter hugely if we don't get on so well, since i still have Roo and Katie. As long as they're bearable, i'll be happy. And at least i won't have to share a bathroom with any of them : )
Actually, nothing much apart from that has happened. Went round to Roo's again for a bit last night which was lovely, and also met up with Ann for a bit in the pub. We always seem to end up talking about Dave and his "issues", which is slightly disconcerting, but she's a nice girl. It'll be good to get to know her better.
The Lab Tour of Doom is tomorrow. I've been doing practise tours all week and to be perfectly honest am bored rigid of them right now... but in a few hours it will all be over. Can't wait! I'm not quite as ecstatic as i imagined i would be to finish placement, but then i think that is probably more a symptom of the fact that i appear to be clinically incapable of being happy about anything at the moment. Or maybe the excitement is just masked by nerves... who knows. My assessor is Joey's training officer from Stafford, so hopefully he will be nice. I'm sure she would have mentioned it if he wasn't...
Feeling really down at the moment. Just want to crawl into bed and stay there for a few years. Not quite sure why, but i am sure that this is not a good road to be going down, especially at this point in the year.
I miss The Boy a lot.
Thursday, 13 September 2007
Nearly the weekend- woot!
Got a letter from accommodation today- i am being allowed to move into my proper room on Monday, so they can get this block ready for the freshers coming on Saturday. This makes me very happy! Not only is it going to be a whole lot swankier and cleaner and actually on campus, but it also means i can leave some bits and pieces behind, so theres less stuff to lug back on the train after my placement and subsequently bring back again when i come with Dad... Yay. It sounds as though everyone else living in the block is going to be moving in on the fresher's Saturday (i.e. the day after i go home after placement...) so its a bit annoying that Dad can't move me in until the Wednesday after that. I really could do with being there involving myself in all the social type activities and getting to know more people. I hope that by the time i get there, everyone else hasn't already got to know each other and gotten all clique-y... because that would just be unbearable... I can't bear another year like that. I'm determined not to be Miss Social Anxiety this year, i'm going to make more friends and have fun.
Another happy thing- Roo text me out of the blue on Monday night to tell me that she was on campus already! She has previously told me that she was moving in on the 8th but for some reason i thought she wasn't anymore.... but anyway, she did! And she's here! Woop! Went over to her new place for tea on Tuesday night. Its really nice, despite being in Horwood. Its been all done up for the Postgrads. She is living with loads of other PGCE students and they all seem to be getting on amazingly well already, which makes me slightly worried/ jealous? I don't know. Im just concerned about losing her. I'm her best friend Me! Not you! Argh. I'm such a freak. They all seemed really cool girls anyway, so hopefully i can integrate myself in there as well... Roo has gone back home again for a wedding this weekend, so unfortunately i can't plant myself there for the weekend, which is a bit of a shame.
Had beverages with Joey on Tuesday night as well. As much as she annoys me with her "the-world-revolves-around-me-ness", it was lovely to see her.
Went swimming at they gym last night, so have managed to fill my time with something every evening this week, which i'm highly impressed with. I was invited out tonight by someone who i vaguely know through M. But he was going to be there too, and since i don't really know her that well, i felt a bit uncomfortable about going. So i didn't... But i've had a fairly ok lazy time tonight. This week has gone quite quickly really. Debating with myself whether to go home this weekend, or whether to be brave and stay here. I should stay here and do work, and seeing The Boy again will be extra lovely if i haven't seen him for two weeks rather than one, plus i can't really afford to go... I should probably save the money for later in the term, when i genuinely can't see him for weeks at a time due to our various commitments and i need to see him more... but meh. I probably will end up going. I miss him. And you're only young once eh.
Everyone in the lab got a massive bollocking this morning after the head scientist, Mr STD obsessive, found a half eaten chocolate bar in a drawer... it was hilarious... I know it wasn't supposed to be, and i know he had a point, it being a virology lab and everything... but its so difficult to take him seriously. Plus i think the chances of catching HIV or hepatitis from a chocolate bar are pretty minimal... I'll be glad to get away from Mr STD obsessive when this placement is over. He really is the strangest person i have ever met. And quite obnoxious with it sometimes. Being there has actually been ok for the past couple of days, as i have been shadowing a woman called Gill, who is actually half decent, and makes conversation with me.
Nothing much else to report really.
Another happy thing- Roo text me out of the blue on Monday night to tell me that she was on campus already! She has previously told me that she was moving in on the 8th but for some reason i thought she wasn't anymore.... but anyway, she did! And she's here! Woop! Went over to her new place for tea on Tuesday night. Its really nice, despite being in Horwood. Its been all done up for the Postgrads. She is living with loads of other PGCE students and they all seem to be getting on amazingly well already, which makes me slightly worried/ jealous? I don't know. Im just concerned about losing her. I'm her best friend Me! Not you! Argh. I'm such a freak. They all seemed really cool girls anyway, so hopefully i can integrate myself in there as well... Roo has gone back home again for a wedding this weekend, so unfortunately i can't plant myself there for the weekend, which is a bit of a shame.
Had beverages with Joey on Tuesday night as well. As much as she annoys me with her "the-world-revolves-around-me-ness", it was lovely to see her.
Went swimming at they gym last night, so have managed to fill my time with something every evening this week, which i'm highly impressed with. I was invited out tonight by someone who i vaguely know through M. But he was going to be there too, and since i don't really know her that well, i felt a bit uncomfortable about going. So i didn't... But i've had a fairly ok lazy time tonight. This week has gone quite quickly really. Debating with myself whether to go home this weekend, or whether to be brave and stay here. I should stay here and do work, and seeing The Boy again will be extra lovely if i haven't seen him for two weeks rather than one, plus i can't really afford to go... I should probably save the money for later in the term, when i genuinely can't see him for weeks at a time due to our various commitments and i need to see him more... but meh. I probably will end up going. I miss him. And you're only young once eh.
Everyone in the lab got a massive bollocking this morning after the head scientist, Mr STD obsessive, found a half eaten chocolate bar in a drawer... it was hilarious... I know it wasn't supposed to be, and i know he had a point, it being a virology lab and everything... but its so difficult to take him seriously. Plus i think the chances of catching HIV or hepatitis from a chocolate bar are pretty minimal... I'll be glad to get away from Mr STD obsessive when this placement is over. He really is the strangest person i have ever met. And quite obnoxious with it sometimes. Being there has actually been ok for the past couple of days, as i have been shadowing a woman called Gill, who is actually half decent, and makes conversation with me.
Nothing much else to report really.
Sunday, 9 September 2007
Here Now.
Well. I'm here. And i'm feeling like shit, i can tell you.
The room is not so bad. Not quite so mouldy and vile as last time. It has actually been cleaned, and the mattress and carpet are devoid of suspicious looking stains... In preperation for the freshers i suppose.
I miss The Boy already. Like, fiercely achingly so. Bearing in mind, i only left him 5 hours ago, my level of emotional dependency upon him grows ever scarier. (Of course, stupid smooching couples on trains don't help!)
I really do not want to go to work tomorrow. This fortnight just seems to be a huge yawning chasm of never ending-ness in my mind... i simply cannot envisage the end point. It can't possibly be as bad as i'm imagining... i'm just in a really low place at the moment. All i want to do is cry and / crawl into bed and not get out for a year. I'm not quite sure why this experience is having such a bad effect on me, but its not a good feeling.
On a lighter note, Mum text me earlier to tell me i had a letter from the Inland Revenue. Containing a cheque with any luck! I'm undecided what to do with the money at the moment. I can either stick it in my current account and use it as needed this semester (which may or may not end in me spending the majority of it in Topshop...), i can whack it in my ISA, or i can pay off my credit card bill with it. Not my preferred choice, but probably the most sensible. Things stand to be very tight financially this year though, and this option would mean i had no further access to the money, and it would only save me around 70 quid in minimum payments until i graduate... plus theres always the danger that i will just end up whipping out the credit card when i'm (inevitably) skint , and running up the bill again anyway... which would make the whole exercise totally pointless. I'm not sure what my financial priorities should be right now... just getting through the year i suppose. Hmm. I will ask The Boy what he thinks.
Nearly finished Queen Camilla. Need to stop reading so fast, otherwise i'm going to rather bored for the next fortnight...
ARGH I love him and i miss him! (I'm so pathetic).
Think i'll go to bed, even though i'm not really tired.
The room is not so bad. Not quite so mouldy and vile as last time. It has actually been cleaned, and the mattress and carpet are devoid of suspicious looking stains... In preperation for the freshers i suppose.
I miss The Boy already. Like, fiercely achingly so. Bearing in mind, i only left him 5 hours ago, my level of emotional dependency upon him grows ever scarier. (Of course, stupid smooching couples on trains don't help!)
I really do not want to go to work tomorrow. This fortnight just seems to be a huge yawning chasm of never ending-ness in my mind... i simply cannot envisage the end point. It can't possibly be as bad as i'm imagining... i'm just in a really low place at the moment. All i want to do is cry and / crawl into bed and not get out for a year. I'm not quite sure why this experience is having such a bad effect on me, but its not a good feeling.
On a lighter note, Mum text me earlier to tell me i had a letter from the Inland Revenue. Containing a cheque with any luck! I'm undecided what to do with the money at the moment. I can either stick it in my current account and use it as needed this semester (which may or may not end in me spending the majority of it in Topshop...), i can whack it in my ISA, or i can pay off my credit card bill with it. Not my preferred choice, but probably the most sensible. Things stand to be very tight financially this year though, and this option would mean i had no further access to the money, and it would only save me around 70 quid in minimum payments until i graduate... plus theres always the danger that i will just end up whipping out the credit card when i'm (inevitably) skint , and running up the bill again anyway... which would make the whole exercise totally pointless. I'm not sure what my financial priorities should be right now... just getting through the year i suppose. Hmm. I will ask The Boy what he thinks.
Nearly finished Queen Camilla. Need to stop reading so fast, otherwise i'm going to rather bored for the next fortnight...
ARGH I love him and i miss him! (I'm so pathetic).
Think i'll go to bed, even though i'm not really tired.
Saturday, 8 September 2007
Sigh...
I'm going back to Keele tomorrow, to finish my hospital placement. Needless to say i'm not relishing the prospect of two more weeks living in stinking student accommodation with noone to talk to, just so i can spend eight hours a day twiddling my thumbs in the lab. I suppose it will be worth it in the end, completing my registration portfolio before i graduate will be incredibly useful in the long run... but it really has been the most poorly organised and dull work placement in the history of work placements... i'm not sure i even want to be a Biomedical Scientist anymore... (Actually, that's just laziness talking, i don't especially want to be anything that involves getting up before eleven more than one day a week...)
Really really don't want to go! I'm going to miss The Boy so much!
On the other hand, i can't wait to go back to Keele properly, to move into my tres expensive and non-stinking accommodation and to study. Slightly nervous about living with people i don't know again, i thought i'd left all that behind in my fresher year... one major disadvantage to binning your course after the first
year and starting a new one is the leaving you a year behind your friends and housemates and thus consigning yourself to a final year of lonesomeness when they so rudely graduate... but never mind. At least Joey and Roo and Katie Bear will be around to play with. I think bullying Roo into doing her PGCE this year was the smartest thing i ever did!
I went shopping on Thursday and buggered up my budget plan yet again... I can't help myself, its just ridiculous. This summer, i was supposed to have saved £1000 and paid off my overdraft. In actual fact, i will barely have paid off my overdraft, and only if i manage to stick to the rather frugal budget i have had to enforce for the next fortnight after said shopping trip... and there is only about £500 in my ISA now. I am trying to console my self with the fact that i haven't entirely frittered my hopsital wages... i have had to pay for four weeks of temporary accommodation, and been on two holidays this summer. So with the saving and the overdraft paying, i haven't done so badly... Oh well. You're only young once...
Also... i was this week informed that the Inland Revenue owe me £350! So that kind of eases the pressure. Though i don't hold out much hope for receiving said funds for a least 6 years... and since things are going to be tight next year on account of my super posh accommodation, i shouldn't really use it as an excuse to splurge, i should stick to my budgetting and keep it for emergencies.
Anyway, I bought a sort of 50s stylee tea dress, which will look awesome with a big slouchy cardigan and skinny jeans in the autumn, and some books in the Waterstones 3 for 2 offer, as i figured they will give me something to do while i'm rotting away in Hawthornes Hall for the next fortnight (have i mentioned i'm not looking forward to going?). One of which I am currently reading- Queen Camilla by Sue Townsend, which is the sequel to her book The Queen and I. Its very funny, and i've nearly finished it.
Argh i really don't want to go! I can't get rid of this awful niggly feeling. I don't want to leave my boy.
I shall keep telling myself its going to be fine. I have my books to read, my laptop, portfolio exercises to work on, i can start going to the gym again (finally...) and Joey and Ann are around for social eventage for a
couple of nights. There's even M,
if i get desperate... It'll be fine. Fine fine fine.
*sob*
I'm feeling awfully broody at the moment. I think its a combination of seeing the film Knocked Up the other day, and the preponderance of news stories on the current "fertility crisis" that seem to be around at the moment. It makes me impatient to start making babies. Even though i want to work and travel and suchlike. I've always had a nasty feeling that i won't be able to conceive. It sounds strange and highly premature, but its true. Perhaps just a figment of my self pitying imagination eh.
My skin is really nice at the moment.
Really really don't want to go! I'm going to miss The Boy so much!
On the other hand, i can't wait to go back to Keele properly, to move into my tres expensive and non-stinking accommodation and to study. Slightly nervous about living with people i don't know again, i thought i'd left all that behind in my fresher year... one major disadvantage to binning your course after the first
year and starting a new one is the leaving you a year behind your friends and housemates and thus consigning yourself to a final year of lonesomeness when they so rudely graduate... but never mind. At least Joey and Roo and Katie Bear will be around to play with. I think bullying Roo into doing her PGCE this year was the smartest thing i ever did!
I went shopping on Thursday and buggered up my budget plan yet again... I can't help myself, its just ridiculous. This summer, i was supposed to have saved £1000 and paid off my overdraft. In actual fact, i will barely have paid off my overdraft, and only if i manage to stick to the rather frugal budget i have had to enforce for the next fortnight after said shopping trip... and there is only about £500 in my ISA now. I am trying to console my self with the fact that i haven't entirely frittered my hopsital wages... i have had to pay for four weeks of temporary accommodation, and been on two holidays this summer. So with the saving and the overdraft paying, i haven't done so badly... Oh well. You're only young once...
Also... i was this week informed that the Inland Revenue owe me £350! So that kind of eases the pressure. Though i don't hold out much hope for receiving said funds for a least 6 years... and since things are going to be tight next year on account of my super posh accommodation, i shouldn't really use it as an excuse to splurge, i should stick to my budgetting and keep it for emergencies.
Anyway, I bought a sort of 50s stylee tea dress, which will look awesome with a big slouchy cardigan and skinny jeans in the autumn, and some books in the Waterstones 3 for 2 offer, as i figured they will give me something to do while i'm rotting away in Hawthornes Hall for the next fortnight (have i mentioned i'm not looking forward to going?). One of which I am currently reading- Queen Camilla by Sue Townsend, which is the sequel to her book The Queen and I. Its very funny, and i've nearly finished it.
Argh i really don't want to go! I can't get rid of this awful niggly feeling. I don't want to leave my boy.
I shall keep telling myself its going to be fine. I have my books to read, my laptop, portfolio exercises to work on, i can start going to the gym again (finally...) and Joey and Ann are around for social eventage for a
couple of nights. There's even M,
if i get desperate... It'll be fine. Fine fine fine.
*sob*
I'm feeling awfully broody at the moment. I think its a combination of seeing the film Knocked Up the other day, and the preponderance of news stories on the current "fertility crisis" that seem to be around at the moment. It makes me impatient to start making babies. Even though i want to work and travel and suchlike. I've always had a nasty feeling that i won't be able to conceive. It sounds strange and highly premature, but its true. Perhaps just a figment of my self pitying imagination eh.
My skin is really nice at the moment.
Monday, 3 September 2007
Weekend Fun
The Boy rang me from work on Saturday evening to say (rather tersely...):
"Shit day. Get dressed. We're going out"
So got dressed i did. He took me to the Red Chilli restaurant for a slap up curry and a bottle of red. Tres yummy. Then we went to The Jockey for a bit. On our way home we were intercepted by the bass player from KOKaine, and so ended up spending the rest of the night in Escobar watching their gig. Which was excellent. All in all a very good evening!
Sunday we had lunch with The Boy's parents who dropped in on their way to Dover to catch the ferry for yet another holiday... It was a fairly painless experience. I think i may finally be warming to his mother. Sunday afternoon we spent having sex. Which was lovely...
The boy and i spent a lot of time discussing the future this weekend. We are toying with the idea of emigrating. Lets be honest, there is little to no reason to want to live in England anymore. The current chav/yob/benefit culture alternately makes my blood boil and me want to curl up into a ball and cry.... We are almost certainly never going to be able to afford a mortgage, and i am loathe to waste money on renting for years on end, even though the more i think about it, the less necessary it seems to own your own house these days. Of course theres the security, the equity etc, but as long as you actually want to live in a house, you're never going to benefit from the financial side of owning the house. The only people who benefit are your offspring... when you die... But then, the current obsession with "buy to let" properties means that you would pay more than a mortgage payment in rent per month anyway. And i'm damned if i want to spend the rest of my life lining someone elses pockets for no gain of my own... I would love for The Boy and i to own our own house. But in the current climate, and taking into account his total incapability of saving money... i think the chances
are against it happening
any time soon. Anyway... we're thinking Canada or France as serious possibilities. For no particular reason other than we like the sound of it. Also I would love to live in New York if only for a year or so. Emigrating would be terrifying, but i kind of like the idea of being slightly nomadic. Even though we've done no research or planning... i'm excited at the possibility of it. I love being able to talk about the future with The Boy.
"Shit day. Get dressed. We're going out"
So got dressed i did. He took me to the Red Chilli restaurant for a slap up curry and a bottle of red. Tres yummy. Then we went to The Jockey for a bit. On our way home we were intercepted by the bass player from KOKaine, and so ended up spending the rest of the night in Escobar watching their gig. Which was excellent. All in all a very good evening!
Sunday we had lunch with The Boy's parents who dropped in on their way to Dover to catch the ferry for yet another holiday... It was a fairly painless experience. I think i may finally be warming to his mother. Sunday afternoon we spent having sex. Which was lovely...
The boy and i spent a lot of time discussing the future this weekend. We are toying with the idea of emigrating. Lets be honest, there is little to no reason to want to live in England anymore. The current chav/yob/benefit culture alternately makes my blood boil and me want to curl up into a ball and cry.... We are almost certainly never going to be able to afford a mortgage, and i am loathe to waste money on renting for years on end, even though the more i think about it, the less necessary it seems to own your own house these days. Of course theres the security, the equity etc, but as long as you actually want to live in a house, you're never going to benefit from the financial side of owning the house. The only people who benefit are your offspring... when you die... But then, the current obsession with "buy to let" properties means that you would pay more than a mortgage payment in rent per month anyway. And i'm damned if i want to spend the rest of my life lining someone elses pockets for no gain of my own... I would love for The Boy and i to own our own house. But in the current climate, and taking into account his total incapability of saving money... i think the chances
are against it happening
any time soon. Anyway... we're thinking Canada or France as serious possibilities. For no particular reason other than we like the sound of it. Also I would love to live in New York if only for a year or so. Emigrating would be terrifying, but i kind of like the idea of being slightly nomadic. Even though we've done no research or planning... i'm excited at the possibility of it. I love being able to talk about the future with The Boy.
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