Explosion imminent!

It seems like ages since i updated. Even though it really isn't that long. But anyway.

There are lots of crazy things going on in my head at the moment. I have been incredibly stressed this week. Mostly about Korfball, and the associated human beings. Which is ridiculous as its supposed to be a hobby, stress reliever, etc. I am going home tomorrow. I would have been going home tonight, but i have training, and since regionals is next weekend i didn't think missing it would go down too well. Even though i very much doubt two hours is going to significantly improve my game play. Its just easier to go.

Fake-cough has been staying over all fucking week. She's driving me up the wall. I actually cannot stand her. That whining fucking voice just makes me want to scream. My blood pressure must be through the roof.

This hatred of all people Korfball does not bode well for regionals, when i am going to have to spend a whole day and night in their company. I'm dreading it, i really am. Can't believe i have given up a weekend living it up in London with Wayne for Karl's birthday for it. To be fair i can't afford London, but meh.

On Tuesday i went into the hospital to do my study, and predictably, there were no samples again. One of my supervisors was nowhere to be found, and the other one apparently wasn't in as he has been on call the night before. Nice to be kept informed... So i left a snotty note on his desk and stormed out at eleven. Spent the rest of the day dossing around. As much as i like having Tuesdays off, it really is getting beyond a joke now. I'm supposed to have completed the practical work by Christmas, and i don't want it hanging over my head come February, when i have a million other things occupying my stress centre... GAH. I am giving myself the day off next Tuesday. I have scheduled some illness. So they can all go and fuck themselves. Hopefully by the time i do go back in, there might be a backlog, and i will be able to spend a whole day testing.

I have finished my neuroscience essay- woot!

The Boy's step-sister is pregnant, so soon i will be a step-aunty- in law... type thing. Woot! She is only twenty four and not yet married or fully qualified in whatever it is that she does, so its clearly not a planned baby. Boy and I will be able to feel smug about that at least. Boy is treated as a second class citizen as far as his Father and Step mother are concerned. Her children can do no wrong, and she frequently enjoys rubbing their "success" in Boy's face. Though to be fair, if a house on a council estate, a job fitting alarms, and an unplanned pregnancy aged twenty four are classed as success nowadays, then i think i'll stick with my second class citizen-ship, thank you very much. Oooh i'm a snob. I really do hate Boy's Step mother and her kids. They're so fucking arrogant, with no grounds for it really. And thats the worst kind of arrogance.

My broodiness has gone into overdrive now (as if it wasn't bad enough already). I don't know why, but i have been incredibly pre-occupied with pregnancy lately. I don't want children as such. I just want to be pregnant, and to have a baby. The impracticalities of having a child now are perfectly clear to me, and i know i don't really want a baby. I know that being pregnant is going to be perfectly hideous. But i have this romanticised vision in my head, where i am carrying Boy's child, and he is loving and adoring and its just generally sickening and lovely. I think its probably just an attention thing. Everyone loves a pregnant woman don't they. Is it normal to be so broody? I think about getting married a lot too. I can't wait to get married. I think that is less psychotic though. I do have a partner who i love, and marriage isn't quite such a drastic thing.

I have this "life anxiety" almost. I know i should be enjoying my youth, having a life. But the truth is, i'm not that good at having a life. I'm constantly worrying about what i should be doing next. Marriage isn't an essential part of life, and nor i suppose is having babies. But i seem to have some sort of mental time-table in which these tasks are included. I need to be married before i can have the babies. And i need to start making babies, before its too late. In case we have difficulties. I've always had this feeling that i'm infertile. I don't know why. Probably just another avenue in which my constant need for self pity can lie. And thats where the anxiety sits. Its no way to enjoy life, constantly worrying about the next thing on the "to do list" I have a loving partner. I should be secure in the knowledge that one day these things will happen. Because there's no reason why they shouldn't...

Good God i am a first class mentalist.

If Boy ever got to read this thing he would probably dump me and run away to Cuba or something...

Anyway.

I can't wait to go home and see him. I am so incredibly stressed and grumpy that an enormous cuddle is in order. Also, Mum is taking us out to RC2 for dinner on Saturday. The prospect of consuming my own body weight in curry and wine is a particularly nice one.

That is all.

Meeeeurrrgh...

I've just polished off an enormous slab of chocolate cake... and its only 11.30am... whoopsy!

I feel quite sick now...

Boy has left already :( I hate these midweek visits, when it seems as though he's barely arrived when he has to go back again for work.

It was lovely tho. We had nice sex and everything. Yay.

I am so unbelievably tired today. The Boy is a little on the large side... so me plus him plus single bed doesn't make for the most restful of sleeps. Plus Phil and Mike went out last night, and brought back Gill and Becca at midnight, so they were sat up talking until about 2am. The walls here are so bloody paper thin, i could hear every word they were saying... Its not what i pay a grand a semester for, i can tell you! They were bitching about Korfball, typically. Becca was being her usual know-it-all self, even though when she's on the pitch, she seems to lack any basic tactical understanding of the game... not that anyone mentions it since she's shagging the Vice-Captain... The first match of the season is on Sunday, and Gill has already picked the team. Charlie, our "first team captain", is not actually on the team. I'm not entirely sure she knows about it yet either... so training will be interesting tonight...

Have a meeting with Glenn shortly, in which i feel sure he is going to pull my project introduction to pieces, and i will cry or something. I went into the hospital on Tuesday for one sample. One whole sample. Remarkable eh.

There is a girl working in the specimen reception at the hospital who i was chatting to on Tuesday. She graduated in Biomedical Science this year from Keele. She has a registration portfolio which she took a year out to do. And she is working in specimen reception... sticking labels on bottles... because there are no trainee BMS posts anywhere. This doesn't fill me confidence about my future prospects. In fact, it pretty much makes me want to throw myself on the floor and cry and scream until i vomit. But hey ho.

True to my father's advice ("Well, just finish your degree, then find a field where there are lots of jobs... and do a degree in that instead!"- Sound advice, if i was planning on entering The Guinness Book of Records with an entry for the world's largest student debt...) i'm thinking of applying to do Medicine sometime in the near future, rather than going into Biomedical Science for a few years first. I'm not sure i have what it takes to be a doctor, but i suppose i'll never know unless i try. Though the prospect of putting my life on hold for the next 10 years, isn't something i relish particularly.

Anyway. More later.

Weekend Fun

The Boy rang me from work on Saturday evening to say (rather tersely...):

"Shit day. Get dressed. We're going out"

So got dressed i did.  He took me to the Red Chilli restaurant for a slap up curry and a bottle of red. Tres yummy. Then we went to The Jockey for a bit. On our way home we were intercepted by the bass player from KOKaine, and so ended up spending the rest of the night in Escobar watching their gig. Which was excellent. All in all a very good evening!

Sunday we had lunch with The Boy's parents who dropped in on their way to Dover to catch the ferry for yet another holiday... It was a fairly painless experience. I think i may finally be warming to his mother. Sunday afternoon we spent having sex. Which was lovely...

The boy and i spent a lot of time discussing the future this weekend. We are toying with the idea of emigrating. Lets be honest, there is little to no reason to want to live in England anymore. The current chav/yob/benefit culture alternately makes my blood boil and me want to curl up into a ball and cry.... We are almost certainly never going to be able to afford a mortgage, and i am loathe to waste money on renting for years on end, even though the more i think about it, the less necessary it seems to own your own house these days. Of course theres the security, the equity etc, but as long as you actually want to live in a house, you're never going to benefit from the financial side of owning the house. The only people who benefit are your offspring... when you die... But then, the current obsession with "buy to let" properties means that you would pay more than a mortgage payment in rent per month anyway. And i'm damned if i want to spend the rest of my life lining someone elses pockets for no gain of my own... I would love for The Boy and i to own our own house. But in the current climate, and taking into account his total incapability of saving money... i think the chances 
are against it happening 
any time soon. Anyway... we're thinking Canada or France as serious possibilities. For no particular reason other than we like the sound of it. Also I would love to live in New York if only for a year or so. Emigrating would be terrifying, but i kind of like the idea of being slightly nomadic. Even though we've done no research or planning... i'm excited at the possibility of it. I love being able to talk about the future with The Boy.