Loose Women

Well i am back from my Keele adventures, for good this time. I went back down on Friday to pick up my results- i got a first- oh yes! I'm actually not that excited about that... it probably sounds big headed but i pretty much already what it was going to be. Still it is always nice to have it be official. So now i am a first class Applied Biomedical Science graduate :)

On Friday night Dave and I went out for a meal with Roo and Rob to celebrate, which was a lot more pleasant than i was expecting. It made things with Dave seem much more official, since we are now apparently accepted as a couple. After food, Roo and I went to the cinema to see the Sex and the City film (which incidentally is hilarious if a little cliched...) while the boys went into town to watch some football. Saturday Dave and Roo had the Castle end of season barbeque, which i gatecrashed despite being a Keele player. The rest of the week has been spent mostly just dossing around doing nothing in particular.

And now i'm home again, which is a bit dull really.

Things with Dave are strange. I still don't really know where its all going. Things are periodically lovely, and then awful and i struggle to work out if he is genuinely being an arsehole or if i just can't cope with different-ness of it all. I feel as though i am having to hold back from him slightly sometimes. I don't know how much of the problem is to do with my state of mind. I have unleashed a fair few episodes of hysterical depressive crap on him recently and so to be fair i am lucky he hasn't gone running for the hills... Sometimes i think it just isn't going to work, it shouldn't be this difficult this early in, and that i should end it. But then i look at him and his lovely blue eyes and his occasional flashes of sweetness and affection....

I miss The Boy terribly, which probably isn't helping either.

I am still being "anonymously" abused via David's blog, which makes me so angry i can bearly even see straight. How can these people be so pathetic and so bloody self righteous at the same time! Ele claims to be far happier now than she ever was, as does Dave, so what's the problem? Three months is plenty of time to wallow and while i was originally guilty, sorry blah blah whatever, now i just beginning to lose sympathy with them all, they need to get over it. We came clean, did the right thing, and now we are trying to make the best of a bad situation, and they should do the same. I wouldn't mind, but its not even any of their sodding business- they have no idea what went on! They have no idea who i am or what i'm like, yet still feel they need to judge me for it! I know i shouldn't be letting it get to me, but well, i'm not very good at it. Am i going to be harassed about this for the rest of my life!?

Oh how i wish none of this had ever happened. I would like my old life back please.

Anyway.

Work on Monday, and i am suitably terrified. Noone is going to like me, i'm not going to be able to do the work, i hate being the new person... blah blah usual neuroses. People keep sending me forms to fill in and documents to find and its so overwhelming. I am feeling generally overwhelmed by the whole of adult life at the moment. How am i going to hold down a full time job? How am i going to cope!? I tried to look for a flat the other day and just ended up being overwhelmed (again) by the number of estate agents and properties and... argh. I wish i could just make someone do it for me. Or failing that, stay in bed for the rest of my life...

I think a re-emergence of the crazy pills may be on the cards.

Summer is 'ere...

Wow so I have been pretty lax with my updating again… Not that anyone much cares, I suspect!

I have had a really lovely couple of days. After spending a week at home recovering from the post exam dissertation slog, I came back to uni for Joey’s birthday outing this Friday as promised. I have to admit I wasn’t much looking forward to going, but I ended up having an ace time. I was once again shamed for my frequent episodes of Jo related bitterness by Jo’s boyfriend Dave, who thanked me drunkenly and profusely for coming out, telling me “everyday I hear something about you Rach, I’m so glad she’s got you”.

Bless.

Woke up on Saturday morning feeling massively hungover and spent most of the day tarting around doing nothing in particular. The weather has been glorious for the past week or so, so on Saturday night Dave and Alex built the barbeque in a manly fashion and me, Katie and the majority of the residents of the PGCE block spent the evening eating burgers, drinking alcohol, playing football and just generally enjoying the nice weather. Oh, and talking about being teachers…. (not me and Katie though….)

On Sunday, Dave woke me up at some ungodly hour and we prepared food to go on a picnic. We spent the day at Trentham Gardens, eating, lounging around sunbathing, people watching etc. We had a really lovely time together. Shockingly.

I now have some rather fetching sunburn. Red and white and stripey, it’s a good look.

Monday was another impromptu barbeque, this time with Roo in attendance and yesterday Dave and I spent together doing nothing in particular again….

Anyway. I have now officially finished university. I successfully managed to write my dissertation and some other awful biochemistry literature review thing in five days, so as of the first of May 2008, everything was done and handed in. Finito. Woop. What an immense feeling of relief that was. Though naturally, me being me, the exuberance wore off very quickly, once I got bored of having nothing to do.

So now I have to join the real world. Which is upsetting to say the least. I have a job interview next Friday for an immunology post at a hospital not too far from home. Immunology isn’t microbiology, but it’s always been a toss up between the two disciplines to be fair. I would really really really like this job. So fingers crossed.

In less sensible news, I have no idea who my boyfriend is, and it seems unlikely that I ever will. The Boy and I have been apart for about six seven eight weeks… I don’t even know. Daffyd and I have been “seeing” each other pretty much the whole time since then. Things were a little rough at first and seemed much more difficult than they should have been. I at one point came to the conclusion that things weren’t going to work with him and was going to finish it. But in hindsight, it was a stressful time of exams and work and breaking up with people and rumours and gossiping and… yeah. Whatever. Things started being nice again, I was too much of a chicken to end things and so… it would appear we’re “in a relationship” as Facebastard would say. The thing is, The Boy is still desperate to try things again. I’m in two minds. When things were horrible with Daffyd, the temptation to go running back was immense. I would ring him and we would chat and it’d be nice. Whilst at home last week I spent a little time with him. Things were easy and comfortable and do-able, I suppose. But it doesn’t feel the same. I am terrified by the prospect of not loving him anymore.

There is only one actual solution to this problem, and that is to have neither of them. I am never going to decide who I want and it’s not even fair that I should be allowed to. I always want the one I’m not with and as a consequence am constantly flitting backwards and forwards between them, forming no meaningful commitment to either of them. Everytime I have a nice day with one, I decide upon them… until the next time I have a nice day with the other one… I have possibly managed to build myself the “perfect relationship”. The conversation, laughter and convenience of The Boy, and the sex, excitement and alternate convenience of Daffyd. Of course, if I truly liked either of them, I wouldn’t be able to behave this way, would I?

But being single is not an attractive option. In my head it is a fabulous meld of Sex and The City and Bridget Jones- all expensive shoes and drinking too much wine. But the harsh reality is that I have no friends, no job, no money, nowhere to live and family that annoy me. So…

Am tempted to give things a try with The Boy again. Three years is a long time and its not like I will have lost anything through trying (except Daffyd… but then is he really likely to be a forever thing anyway…?). If only I could make myself feel the way I felt about him just a few months ago. But then I have lovely days with Dave, and I think “this could work, it really could”

That is all.

An update

So i haven't updated in a while. A partial combination of business and just general apathy. Now however, i have finals to revise for and so conveniently my desire to blog has been reignited.

Thursday 20th of March was my last ever day of lectures. Which i'm sure i would feel sad about, if i were to think hard enough about it. Now i am currently embroiled in revising for my finals which are in two and half weeks time (and of course my usual petty emotional drama, which i will come to in a minute) and feeling guilty about not having started my dissertation. Thankfully i have a week after exams in which to write it. Its fair to say however, that i'm more than a little stressed.

For continuity's sake i will carry on the story of my relationship disturbance from where i left off last time. Though a fair few things have happened since then.

I told Ruth about my affair with Daffyd. She was unexpectedly fine about it (though is most likely just well concealing her disgust with me, she has very high moral standards). She came to the same conclusion as Katie. That Dave was a bastard, i had been used and manipulated and that i needed to tell The Boy. I still had my misgivings. Mostly due to the fact that Dave was never going to tell Ele, and so i stood to lose everything and him nothing. Which is malicious and pathetic, but well, that's just me. Despite these misgivings, i decided that i would tell The Boy. It was the right thing to do after all.

The day i was due to leave for home, Daffyd told me he wanted to see me before i left. Having managed to successfully ignore him for more than a week, this was unexpected. But i went to see him. And he told me that he had left Ele. Having spent the past week trying to push him out of my head, this news was received with slight confusion. I told him i was planning to tell The Boy about the cheating whilst at home. He asked me where that would leave "us", and i told him i didn't know. Which was the truth.

Silly as it sounds, i was a little annoyed at him for upping and leaving Ele out of the blue. I had spent the week agonising about telling The Boy, and had come to the conclusion of doing it with no reference to Daffyd. Now it was going to look as though i had done it just for him. Which i can assure you all now was not the plan at all.

So i went home with good intentions. The foil in my plan however was that i actually enjoyed spending time with The Boy. He was lovely. We went out, we chatted and laughed and snuggled and even had sex. Things were perfect, just like they always had been. I adored him. And there was no way i could tell this man that i had betrayed him. Because it would destroy him. And i didn't want that. I wanted to be with him. And i knew that i could manage perfectly well to never tell him, if i had to. Becuase i am deceitful like that. So while spending the week in pretence of "i'll tell him tomorrow... i'll tell him tomorrow...". i knew in the back of my mind, that i wasn't going to. And that was fine by me. Dave was in my head a little. But it was nothing serious. I knew i could get rid of it in time.

The day before coming back to university, Dave asked me if i had told The Boy yet. I was forced to admit that i had spent the whole week chickening out. It was then that he told me outright, that he had left Ele for me, in the hope that he wouldn't be the only one single come the end of the week. I had suspected this. But not assumed. He didn't love her after all. Regardless of me. But no, he told me he had changed his mind again, and in order to prove the permanence of his decision to me, he had left her. Rather inconvenient timing, given my recent decision to make things work with The Boy. So now i felt guilty. But nevertheless, resolved to sort things out once i got back to uni. I could explain to Daffyd. It would be fine.

Except i get back to university and Daffyd is there and wants to take me out for dinner and spend evenings with me and cuddle me and kiss me and apparently i want to let him... So despite the shittiness of it all, i come to the conclusion that i am in fact incapable of controlling myself which isn't fair on The Boy and so i phone to tell him i am leaving him.

He doesn't take it well. But as others have said to me, deep down, he already knew. He doesn't want to leave me. He wants to stay together and work things out. And while i want that too, i know i am stuck at university with Dave for another 3 weeks, and i know i won't be able to stay away from him in that time. So i have to force the point. I am leaving you. Which is difficult, when it isn't really what i want.

So now i am single. Except i'm not really. Daffyd is sweetly happy that i have left The Boy. He wants to see me all the time. He holds me and kisses me and takes me out and we sleep together. And he tells me how beautiful i am and how he is happier than he has been for a long time. And how he can't wait for the day when we can be together properly. We are taking it slowly, casually for now. Apparently.

The Boy knows nothing of this. He is desperate for me to come home so we can sort things out. And perhaps i would, if it weren't for my finals. I will never work for them at home and so i am forcing myself to stay here. And the way things are going with Daffyd now, i clearly don't want to sort things out that much.

I don't know who or what i want now or where to turn for the answer. No matter what i chose, someone is now going to get very hurt, because of me. I am so overwhelmed by guilt.

I am starting to miss The Boy a little. I don't know if its genuine or if its loss of the comfort blanket effect. The same as i dont know if the surge of affection i felt for him during that week home was just a clinging mechanism, in the face of losing him imminently. If i loved him so much, i'm sure i wouldn't be fucking Dave quite so frequently.

The Boy managed to track down Ele, like i knew he would. They have been chatting to each other a lot, swapping tales of mal-intent and most likely just making each other feel worse. The general conscensus of their chats is that Dave is a manipulative bastard. The Boy is determined to believe/ prove to me that Dave has powers of mind control and has been out ot snare me from the very beginning. I of course, have been to weak minded and feeble to resist.

Dave is just there. He wants me, and is prepared to wait for a time when he can fully have me. And if the emotion he expresses towards me is just manipulation and using, i would be very surprised, despite what everyone wants me to think.
I have no idea how i would tell him that i had changed my mind and was going back to the Boy. And part of me doesn't want to. Another part of me thinks that any emotional trauma he suffered might serve him right, after the was he initially treated me.

I am inclined to think that by leaving The Boy and sleeping with D, i have already made the decision. I shouldn't be allowed to turn around on it, even though the opportunity has been provided to me. If and when it turns out to be the wrong one, it will serve me right.

I think i am going to spend the week on my own next week. No males of any variety. Perhaps that will make the decision for me.

I might get round to revising for my finals sometime soon.

The Definition of Happiness Part 1:

Stuff and Fings...

I am so unbelievably tired. Today, i've had to like, do stuff. Shocking.

I had lectures 9 til 1, and then in the afternoon my IBMS/ HPC registration portfolio was assessed... which took fucking ages. Four hours we had to sit in the undergrad room, pretending to do tutorial work and generally faffing around, while the examiners went through the portfolios sentence by sodding sentence apparently... Though i passed, in the end. So now i can be let loose in the NHS, whoop!

I am still agonising over the Daffyd situation. After our argument on Sunday in which he was incredibly rude and vicious towards me for no apparent reason, i decided i wasn't going to speak to him until he apologised. Despite my inherent obsessiveness, i managed to stand my ground. On Monday, he found a couple of really ridiculous reasons to text me. One nil to me i think. He was his usual infuriating self, acting as though nothing had happened, chattering away. I asked him if he was going to apologise, and he said no, basically. I had another rather nasty discussion, in which he proved what a nasty, manipulative, controlling and self righteous arsehole he is. He refuses to accept any responsibility for upsetting me, and doggedly insisted that the whole thing was my fault and just generally spent an hour implying how stupid and pathetic i was. I was so incredibly frustrated and upset with him, i couldn't even bear to argue with him any longer.

Today i went to Crewe to play a match and generally help coach with the korf beginners from the new C&N club that Roo has set up with a couple of people from Castle. I knew he was going to be there, but at the end of the day, Roo asked me to go, and i'm not going to hide away because of him. I was apprehensive. But he was just acting as though nothing had happened. Simultaneously good, as i didn't have the energy for another argument with him, and annoying, as he knows how much he has upset me this week, and doesn't even have the decency to make reference to it. He didn't invite me to his after, and i haven't made reference to it. I am disappointed, but i know i shouldn't be. It infuriates me that he isn't trying to be with me. I would take great pleasure in being able to cut him down. I sincerely hope he hasn't decided he is being sensible again, and thinks he is holding me at arms length until i get the message. If its over, its over because i say it is, because he is an arsehole, and i want him to know that. I know it shouldn't matter but it does. He thinks i am some needy clingy little bint who will keep running back to him, who he can just charm into bed when he feels like it, and who he can ignore when he pleases. Well i won't be. And he is going to know it.

(Now i just need to convince myself).

(I still miss him and want him. Clearly moreso now i think i can't have him)

God, i am such a fuckwit.

Sleep time i think.

One track minds...

Yesterday in the middle of a perfectly normal conversation, Roo suddenly demanded to know, rather heatedly, "why do your boobs look so enormous in that top!?" I was forced to reply that i didn't really know.

Later on, Daffyd told me he was in love with my breasts. (Not me now... Just my breasts...)

For the record, my breasts are pretty average. I'm not quite sure why the whole world has developed such an obsession with them this past week... But hey. One day i will be old and saggy. And these conversations will be a comfort to me, i'm sure.

Keele One lost yet another match last night, and so we can now no longer come top of the league. But we came top last year so, its not so bad...

Second team nationals are in a fortnight, and if first team nationals were anything to go by, i am not looking forward to that day...

I stayed at Daffyd's last night, which was a tad risky and i probably won't be doing again. That's one good thing about living in my flat. Noone really cares if i'm alive or dead, and so aren't particularly interested in who is sleeping in my bed either!

I have started my project analysis and discussion today! I probably should feel slightly less stressed now, but i am starting to become aware of the ever expanding pile of other work i have to do in the next fortnight and so it is a hollow victory. I just can't seem to motivate myself to do any work at the moment. I seem to get to this point every year, where i just can't work, and the work that i am doing feels like its utter shite. Third year, second semester is a rather unfortunate time to choke though. Sigh.

Plus usual residual guilt.

Earthquakes!

Are well cool innit. Bless Sleazy and Fishfinger boy. They were full of it last night, the big geology geeks.

I am struggling to do any work, so am skiving as usual. My non-experimental project is about 1500 words over the limit, and i don't have the will to start reading it and cutting things out of it. Don't really know what to do about that. Still no results for the experimental project. Deadline is in two weeks and noone is taking me seriously. I am going to cry, very soon. The Case studies and Biochem of disease assessments are up on the server, so i could do those, but lets face it, i'm not going to. Motivation = come back please.

Dave told me he loved me last night. I don't think i believe him. I think he has feelings for me beyond that of friendship, and doesn't have another more suitable word to describe the in between situation. He is a bit of a closed book when it comes to emotion. He likes to retain his cool and collected exterior, overviewing the situation and making me do the running in the emotional stakes. Some kind of superiority complex perhaps. Which makes me feel rather vulnerable. Last night was a bit of a breakthrough. He told me that when we're not together he is always thinking about me and thinking of situations to get us to be together, and that when he is with me he is happy and wants nothing else. He says i "get him". And noone "gets" him. I asked him if he loved El. His response was to screw up his face and contemplate deeply for a few minutes. Which i took to be a no. But, he is still with the martyr complex. Two more years he says, until she is "normal". He is ridiculous, utterly ridiculous. But there is just no reasoning with him. He is in for a very miserable life, i fear.

In answer to the inevitable question... i have no idea how i feel about him. I certainly don't love him... i have only known him since September after all. But i do feel something for him. Something inappropriate given my supposed relationship status. I also want to have sex with him. A lot. This is the thing that worries me perhaps the most. For at least two years, the thought of sex with The Boy has just made me feel tired. It has been a chore to get through. I do it because i love him, and even though i get little pleasure out of it, its still a physical closeness that is nice to have. But the extent of my unarousal has led me to think on more than one occasion that there is actually something physically wrong with me. And now here Dave is. Last night i wanted to fuck him so badly, it was almost physically painful. We had that adolescent sort of night with lots of kissing and yearning. It was like being 15 again. Which kind of implies that the sex thing is not another addition on my list of crazies, as previously suspected, but an issue with The Boy, or our relationship, or both. Which is not reassuring. But then, its not like it was a big issue before. It upset me on a personal level. But it wasn't upsetting the relationship. I wasn't thinking that i couldn't spend the rest of my life with him because of it.

I'm prepared to accept that maybe the attraction to Dave is more about the drama and the new excitingness of it all. He is new, he is exciting. And i do love the thought of it all going on behind people's backs. Keeping up the normal friendly banter with him in front of our friends, the Korfers etc. Listening to him making jokes about Gill his "fuck buddy". Watching Fake Cough's tragic attempts to flirt with him. And them not having a clue. They think they know something, but really they know nothing. Sitting there oblivious as he holds my hand under the table in the pub, laughing at his "jokes" about fucking me while he whispers the truth in my ear. Its my hair he strokes, my waist his arm is around, my room he sneaks off to when everyone goes home. And yes i should feel cheap and nasty and sad. But when i'm with him i don't. I feel exciting, and excited.

I suppose the proof of the pudding is that when he asks me if i would leave The Boy for him, i overwhelmingly feel panic. I don't know if i do want to leave him, even though i probably should. And i don't know if my feelings for Dave are valid enough, if they are solid for him. The last thing i want is to be screwing over two people in one fell swoop.

I wish i was a better person.

Early morning shenanigans:

At 5.57am, i attended what is most likely to be my last Keele University fire drill. More annoying than the usual 4am ventures as by the time you get back in you don't actually have much time to fall back to sleep before having to get up again for morning lectures. So am shattered today.

The drill wasn't too bad this time, fairly speedy and the security men and resident tutors seemed marginally less ecstatic at our sleepy misery than usual. Also they just took our room numbers as we came out, rather than doing it register stylee when everyone finally arrives out. Which last time led to the following conversation:

Security Man: 48?

Fishfinger Boy: Yep!

Me: Phil, I live in 48.

FB: Do you?

Me: Yes Phil, all year...

FB: Well where do i live then!?

Me: 49...

Cue me being cross questioned by resident tutors about my fraudulent inhabitation of someone else's room...

As annoying as the drills are, there is a certain amount of camaraderie about them, which you don't often get here. Huddling around in hoodies and pajama bottoms (or whichever piece of inappropriate attire one chooses to don... c'mon guys, you know its not a real fire, you have the time, there's really no need to turn up outside in a pencil case and a flip flop...), chatting to people you would never usually speak to, laughing even though its 6am, pissing it down with rain and you're wearing a Space Invaders dressing gown...

And then its back to bed. To spend the next two hours thinking you have tinnitus, when in actual fact its just the alarm going off in the next block, and then the next block and then the next block.... zzzzzz....

Today i am going to do something productive. I don't seem to have done anything useful for days... I still haven't had my project results validated which means i can't actually analyse them and so my project is at a stand still. I am becoming progressively more annoyed by this, but may be able to get an extension out of it, if the worst comes to the worst. I may start my dissertation.

Tonight i am going to Manchester to see Tom's band play a gig at the Academy, which is quite prestigious so should be good. Gill and Becca are going, more's the pity (miaow!) but Dave is going and Maz will be there so should be good.

I have a feeling Dave is going to have done his usual weekly 180 degree turn today. In which case i will have to unleash my psychosis on him, and it will not be pretty. But i am not going to let him do it to me again, so at least if that does happen, it will mean an end to this crazy situation.

I am on my period, and it hurts. A lot.

That is all.

Make a note, i am in a good mood!

And it doesn't happen very often!

Got my Clinical Pathology exam result back today... 90 fucking percent- whoop! Not too shabby, especially since i only did three days revision for it!

The Neuroscience ones are not out yet. They are being remarked externally as Knobface head of the module gave out such harsh marks for the essay (though not mine...)and people were complaining about him. I did three weeks revision for that one, but i'm not holding out for an amazing result particularly.

On Wednesday night i received a highly inappropriate Valentine's gift from an even more inappropriate source. So i guess you could say, being sensible isn't working out that well.

And now maybe i should be wallowing in guilt and shame and self loathing. But i'm not particularly. So fuck off.

Two Little Ducks...

Well, i'm back at University. Which, when all is said and done, isn't so bad really. I have my own nice tidy room, a clean, non moulding bathroom... i can go to bed when i want, and not when my 26-going-on-60-boyfriend decides he is tired... and i can start to get on with some of the work that has been playing on my mind for the past month and a half. I don't know who i think i'm kidding when i take work home to do. I never do it. Ever.

I'm lucky to have got back at all today. Being the hyper-organised being that i am (pfft), i predicted flooding related train delays, and decided to consult the fountain of knowledge that is the National Rail Enquiries website prior to commencing my journey. Feeling highly superior, i carefully selected a non-flooded route and trotted off to the station.

Well. The National Rail Enquiries website LIED. The bastard. Which lead to a four hour, excessively watery journey, highlights of which included a long cold stay in Huddersfield and a magical mystery tour of Manchester. Sigh.

I arrive back to discover that the cleaner wants to clean my room again... she has cleaned it 3 times since i left for Christmas, i have only been back for four days since then- how dirty does she think i am!? And rather more excitingly that Andy and Heather have split up and Andy is in the process of moving out. I can't say i didn't see it coming. They have only been seeing each other about nine months, which by my calculations means they must have agreed to move in with each other having being together only three months. Its a pretty big strain for such a young relationship i would think. Particularly since they seem to have spent every waking moment together, since i've known them anyway. I get the impression that Heather doesn't really have any of her own friends, so they always socialised together. They even do the same course! I think its a credit to them they've managed to refrain from murdering each other for this long. The atmosphere is a tad frosty at the moment, so i gather it wasn't an amicable split. Andy has managed to swap rooms with one of his friends downstairs, which is incredibly generous of his friend i think. Hopefully he will be a decent enough guy to live with. I think i am going to make more of an effort with Heather now she isn't going to be glued to Andy 24/7. I felt guilty about intruding on their couple time before... But now i suppose she will be needing a friend. We shall see anyway.

Yesterday was my birthday, and i think i am now past the stage of being able to convince myself i'm still a teenager. Twenty two is far too grown up. I was eighteen when i met the Boy, all young and nubile... everyone wants an 18 year old girlfriend! I asked him if he still loved me as much now i am 22 and old. He said he did :)

The Boy did indeed buy me a stuffed creature for my birthday, but it is very cute so i think i will forgive him. He also bought me underwear and perfume (the exact same perfume that his parents bought me for Christmas, so now i am going to be bloody swimming in the stuff... i ought to be cross with him for not paying attention, but i just can't bring myself to be... It is very nice perfume at least). Mum restocked my bra collection for me, in order to accommodate my rapidly expanding bosom. Though i say rapidly expanding, i have in fact been wearing the same size bra since i was about 13, so its probably been coming on for a while. I have now achieved my favourite cup size now anyway! I threw some of the manky old bras away today. She also bought me some socks, which is a lot more exciting than it sounds. Previously i had a grand total of zero pairs. I will have to get back into the habit of wearing them.

The Boy and I went ice skating for my birthday which was hilarious... Somewhere along the line, ice skating has apparently become a past time of choice for Chavs... in Bradford at least... and they are surprisingly talented at it! We, however, were not. After a good half an hour clinging onto the barrier of the ice rink, Boy falling on his backside and me accosting some old man... we finally got into the swing of things. It was great fun, and loads better when the majority of the people buggered off home, leaving the rink a little emptier. Rather fittingly, when we got home that Celebrity Dancing on Ice thingy was on so we ended up watching that for a while. Subsequently, ice dancing has been added to my list of things i am going to learn to do when i have money and things... I'm not sure Spencer and Poppleton will be up there with Torvill and Dean for a while yet though...

I should be going to bed now- i have a 9am lecture tomorrow- madness! I don't think i have seen two 9 o'clocks in one day for about two months. Though I always sleep really badly for the first few days back in my own bed, so i probably won't bother going for a while. You would think i'd sleep better without the snoring, farting, cover stealing, space hogging lump beside me, but no. That's not how it works apparently.

Yawn...

I'm so tired! I am giving myself a well earned break from revision. Well, i say well earned, but perhaps if i hadn't waited until Monday night to start revising for my exam on Thursday... i wouldn't have had to work quite so flat out. Oh well.

The exam on Monday went reasonably well. The amount of work i put into it, i ought to have done brilliantly well. But i just can't tell with them being essay questions. I know i wrote at least one dumb thing- i got ataxia and agnosia mixed up and wrote that Alzheimer's sufferers show ataxia. I couldn't even know what ataxia means... though i thought it was right at the time. Anyway, i wikipedia-ed it, and, well, Alzheimer's patients really don't have ataxia. Nobface Head of Module will be marking it as well, which doesn't roll in my favour. Oh well. I'm sure i've done enough to pass, which is the main thing i suppose.

I picked my essay marks up yesterday as well. I got 68% in the Neuroscience one, which is fine, particularly since apparently we were all meant to have failed it... I got 65% in my Clinical pathology essay, which is fine as well i suppose. I'm pretty disappointed with that to be honest. When i was writing it, it sounded really good. I did a shit pile of research for it and i honestly thought it was the best thing i'd ever written, despite the incredibly dry subject matter. Plus, i just happened to notice... that someone much stupider and much less conscientious than me (and who i particularly dislike) got 75%. Which seems pretty unlikely. But i suppose that just serves me right for being nosey...

I think, the transition between second and third year is a lot steeper than i previously imagined. Without wanting to sound big-headed, in previous years i've never found it particularly difficult to do well and get firsts in essays and exams, without making any special effort. But this semester it seems as though i have been working my hardest and not coming out with anything spectacular. I'm not going to be 2:1 snob... but i suppose i'm kind of half hoping/expecting to get a first. I know the result is not the be all and end all of getting a degree, and that after i get my first job, noone will much care what degree classification i got. But it would just be nice. I'm not good at much. I'm not good at people and friends and socialising. I'm not good at sport. I'm not a particularly good daughter or girlfriend.I don't even look that good. But I am good at Academia. I can be clever and learn things and get good results. I can impress people and please my parents and feel good about myself that way. I feel like this first expected of me now, which is incredibly pressurising. Maybe i'm just not as clever as i think. Maybe i'm just being a twat. Who knows.

Last exam tomorrow anyway, which is something to look forward to. I am doing strategic revision, so i hope to God it pays off, or i am royally screwed. I'm about past caring at the moment.

Anyway, i was meant to be catching up. Being at home is lovely, but there is no real scope for private computer time. Hence the lack of blogginess. The basic gist is like so:

. I went home

. I watched a lot of TV

. I ate a lot of food (Actually, i ate a lot of junk food. Actually, i ate a lot of chocolate. My skin is being most unforgiving)

. I spent a lot of time with the boy. He spent Christmas day at mine, which was lovely

. I spent not quite enough time at home, and thus spent a lot of time feeling guilty about that

. My sisters annoyed me for various reasons

. I did a bit of revision (With emphasis on the "bit", hence the shit-creek type situation occurring currently)

. I was good and socialised, with Sarah, Beth, Sally and Caz! Four whole people!

And there you have it. Three fun packed weeks in the life of me!

Now i am back in this hole of mediocrity. Not for long however. Mwhahaha.

Never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die...

Ouch, moan, whimper. Damn my menstrual cycle.

I have been a busy bee. Well, a busy Korfing bee. I haven't actually done any useful university type work since Thursday. There was a league match on Thursday- Keele 1 vs Keele 2, which was never going to work out too well since we don't actually have enough players for both teams to play at the same time. Both had to play a man down, and so i ended up playing for Keele 2. We lost inevitably- but i scored twice- woop! We only lost by one goal. Maz came up to visit on Friday and there was another league match but i didn't play. We went to Roo's for belated birthday takeaway and Bill Bailey instead. Much fun was had. Saturday was the Manchester Warriors Christmas tournament, which we came last in, in true Keele style. It was quite a fun day though, nice and chilled out, which made a change from most of the tournaments. Becca was her usual annoying, pathetic, immature self but Gill was in a reasonably ok mood so i was not too irritated by them. Spent most of the day chatting to Dave, who is one of Roo's PGCE housemates and who plays for Castle. He came to the tourny with us as we only had two other boys going, and he drove, which was nice of him. I've decided he's pretty cool. I've only briefly spoken to him before really. Yesterday was another league match, Keele 2 vs Castle 3... again i had to play for Keele 2, as in fact did most of Keele 1, as they have no players... We played a man down in my division, which was hard work. And we lost anyway. Recurring theme here...

I really am becoming a Korfball bore... Sigh.

I need to do some revision. I've only revised one lecture so far, despite my best laid plans. Oh well. Only three more sleeps til the holidays! (Maybe two, i haven't decided if i'm going to the Castle Christmas tournament yet...)

Ouch.

Under the Weather

There are two cases of Stella Artois in the kitchen, which implies that i will not be getting much sleep tonight. Joy.

I am feeling pretty low at the moment, hence why i haven't really bothered writing, as it would only be depressing rubbish that noone wants to read.

I don't know why i'm feeling so down. I spent a lot of time at home this weekend- it was more of a long weekend really; Thursday to Monday. I skived a couple of lectures to do so, which i ended up feeling immensely guilty about. The anticipation of coming back was just awful. There's no reason why though. I have finished my essays and my project methods section, so have no assessed work left to do. Just the prospect of revision looming. I don't mind revising that much, so i don't know what my problem is really! I just want to be at home with my Boy. I think thats the crux of the matter. The extent to which i want to spend time with him is just ridiculous. I miss him almost constantly. I love him so much. Sob.

I'm such a clingy and demanding girlfriend, its really quite bad.

I think its just end of semester syndrome. I haven't spent a proper bulk of time with him for a while, which makes me forget how annoying he can get after a while... hehe. I need to top up my Wayne levels. The holidays are in ten days time, and i can't wait! I'm really looking forward to it. Not just the seeing him, but seeing Mum and the sisters too, and just generally lazing around and being festive. I have an exam on the first day back though, which is immensely annoying as it means i will actually have to do some work over the holidays.

Mummy Spencer bought some of my Christmas presents this weekend :)

I am currently agonising over an outfit for The Boy's work Christmas meal/ party. I don't know why its so important to me that his co-workers think i am attractive and fashionable... but it is damnit! I have so far discovered nothing worthy of projecting my uber-gorgeous girlfriend image however. Tres stressful!

I am quite in love with this but i don't know if i'd a) be brave enough to wear it, and b) look immensely overdressed in it if i did. It looks pretty rubbish with jeans, so i'd have to wear tights and heels. And i am loathe to do that. Plus its expensive. Plus i'd blatantly hardly ever wear it. I am also quite in love with this Which is cheap. But not quite dressy enough, i feel. Decisions decisions.

Perhaps i will wear an existing outfit and use the money to have my hair cut. It is a frightful mess at the moment. I hate in-betweeny hair. But i am determined not to give in and lop it off again. I will regain my flowing locks! Katie Holmes has a nice new hair-cut. But i don't think Toni&Guy can give me the face to match the hair, which is always disappointing.

Anyway. I should go do something useful. Joy.

Phew...

You'll be glad to know i'm no longer being 15. Today i have put on 3 coats of mascara and straightened my hair, and now all is right with the world.

Incidentally, i spent thirteen quid on Urban Decay Big Fatty mascara the other weekend, as my MAC one has run out, and i must say; I Am Not That Impressed. My eyelashes are still distinctly anorexic, and its a bitch to put on. Tres annoying.

I have started a conversation with The Boy which i am distinctly beginning to regret. Its not often that he acts as though he is insecure. He is definitely the most confident and outgoing person i've ever met. And he always seems rather sure of himself. But i think i might have started something... whoopsy...

Its sleazy Mike's birthday tonight and so we are going out for a few beverages. I'm not particularly looking forward to it. I don't really know any of Mike's friends apart from the Korfers, so i have a feeling its going to be a little dull. Plus Mike's girlfriend Trudi is coming, and she is one of those girlfriends who gets twitchy if anything with a vagina so much as breathes near her boyfriend... And she's ignorant to boot. Though how someone with a name like Trudi can feel superior to anyone is a mystery to me...

Anyway. Should be essaying.

Sleeeepy...

I'm so unbelievably tired today, i just can't motivate myself to do anything. Am contemplating going back to bed, but that would be a bit naughty...

Home was lovely, but then i had to come back here which was a tad depressing. I think Fake-Cough has actually just moved in now, for fucks sake.

The Korf Regionals were on Saturday. We came last! Gill acted appaulingly, i can't even begin to describe how ridiculously immature she was about the whole thing- there was confrontation... it wasn't good. Tempers were a little frayed on account of the 5am start and the getting lost trying to find Leeds University Sports centre and the having our asses kicked in Every Single Match. We spent a good part of the morning screaming at each other, but by the afternoon everyone chilled out a bit, accepted the fact that we never stood a chance of winning, and just had a laugh.

The whole day was made all the more irritating, due to the fact that The Boy was in London with Karlos, and i wasn't. Hmph.

Last night me, Gill, Becca, Roo, Rob and Katie went to see Ollie's play at the union. Ollie is one of the Fresher's from Korfball. He's a bit shy and retiring, a bit nerdy, sheltered... He is however, unebelievably dedicated to the club. Whenever we ask him to tournaments, matches, socials, whatever, he always turns up. He is also in the drama society, hence the play. I felt like we owed him a favour, he has been going on about this play for months, and so I spent most of yesterday bullying people in coming to see it. The play is called "Brothers", and is about two brothers (surprisingly) who work for a London Kingpin importing cocaine from Columbia, and i was actually pleasantly surprised. I was prepared to be bored to tears for two hours, but it was quite engaging. A bit violent. But good nonetheless. Ollie played a very un-Ollie-ish character, which was most amusing.

After the play Katie and i met Ann for hot chocolate. Whenever i see Ann i instantly feel guilty for neglecting her, because she actually is incredibly funny and sweet. We do always seem to end up talking about NiceDave though, which slightly disturbs me... We had a good old bitch about NightLine, who are apparently treating everyone like shit, so its not just me. Always good to know. I actually e-mailed to quit a couple of weeks ago, since it had been almost 8 weeks or something ridiculous since i was "suspended", but they had not actually bothered to do anything to resolve the situation. Noone has had the decency to reply to me so far. Which only serves to prove my point really. If they can't be arsed to deal with me, then i can't be arsed to work for them anymore.

Other than that, i spent most of my time working really. After my extended trip home, i was consumed by nervous guilt and so have been determined to be a productive little me ever since. I have finshed my Neuroscience essay and am midway through my Clinical Pathology essay, which is a much more nitty-gritty little detaily science essay, and so is rather dull. But still, nearly done! Then i'm going to start doing some background reading, since i have done none at all this semester, and i'm sure Roo was doing loads this time last year... whoopsy.

I am currently stuck in the middle of a Ruth and Katie snipe-fest, which is slightly disconcerting. They are fine around each other, but when i am alone with either of them, i have to listen to them gripe about each other for hours on end... They both say exactly the same things about each other half the time, which is pretty funny. They are definitely suffering from each-other-overload. They really do spend a ridiculous amount of time with each other. Katie has never really made any friends since coming back to Keele, combined with the fact that she only has lectures one day a week, and so needs to be entertained constantly- she clings to Roo. She also steals Roo's friends rather than make her own. A recipe for Katie-overload. Eeek.

I saw M last night in the Union. More to the point, he saw me. Not that he acknowledged me in any way, shape or form. He must have walked past me about 6 times, i kid you not, and everytime he just totally blanked me. Yet he is more than happy to speak to me over Facebook or MSN or whatever. I have been trying to pin him down for a coffee or something for ages. I am trying to be mature, and to resolve what was once a decent friendship. But he never gets back to me. I'm not going to pester him, i know he's a busy man, and i do have some pride. But its not like we live miles from each other. If he made some fucking effort. But he acts as though i am some sort of social pariah. Well you know what Matt? I'm fucking not! So fuck you! I don't care anymore. I'm through with trying to be nice. If he doesn't care, then neither do i.

(On some levels, i think i might be relieved. If i don't have to look at him, then theres no way i can start being attracted to him again. Though why i would ever have been is anyones guess- what is wrong with me!!!??!)

I will tell the whole story one day, when i get round to it. Honest.

Anyway. I'm going to be predictable and say- i don't want to go to the hospital tomorrow.

Explosion imminent!

It seems like ages since i updated. Even though it really isn't that long. But anyway.

There are lots of crazy things going on in my head at the moment. I have been incredibly stressed this week. Mostly about Korfball, and the associated human beings. Which is ridiculous as its supposed to be a hobby, stress reliever, etc. I am going home tomorrow. I would have been going home tonight, but i have training, and since regionals is next weekend i didn't think missing it would go down too well. Even though i very much doubt two hours is going to significantly improve my game play. Its just easier to go.

Fake-cough has been staying over all fucking week. She's driving me up the wall. I actually cannot stand her. That whining fucking voice just makes me want to scream. My blood pressure must be through the roof.

This hatred of all people Korfball does not bode well for regionals, when i am going to have to spend a whole day and night in their company. I'm dreading it, i really am. Can't believe i have given up a weekend living it up in London with Wayne for Karl's birthday for it. To be fair i can't afford London, but meh.

On Tuesday i went into the hospital to do my study, and predictably, there were no samples again. One of my supervisors was nowhere to be found, and the other one apparently wasn't in as he has been on call the night before. Nice to be kept informed... So i left a snotty note on his desk and stormed out at eleven. Spent the rest of the day dossing around. As much as i like having Tuesdays off, it really is getting beyond a joke now. I'm supposed to have completed the practical work by Christmas, and i don't want it hanging over my head come February, when i have a million other things occupying my stress centre... GAH. I am giving myself the day off next Tuesday. I have scheduled some illness. So they can all go and fuck themselves. Hopefully by the time i do go back in, there might be a backlog, and i will be able to spend a whole day testing.

I have finished my neuroscience essay- woot!

The Boy's step-sister is pregnant, so soon i will be a step-aunty- in law... type thing. Woot! She is only twenty four and not yet married or fully qualified in whatever it is that she does, so its clearly not a planned baby. Boy and I will be able to feel smug about that at least. Boy is treated as a second class citizen as far as his Father and Step mother are concerned. Her children can do no wrong, and she frequently enjoys rubbing their "success" in Boy's face. Though to be fair, if a house on a council estate, a job fitting alarms, and an unplanned pregnancy aged twenty four are classed as success nowadays, then i think i'll stick with my second class citizen-ship, thank you very much. Oooh i'm a snob. I really do hate Boy's Step mother and her kids. They're so fucking arrogant, with no grounds for it really. And thats the worst kind of arrogance.

My broodiness has gone into overdrive now (as if it wasn't bad enough already). I don't know why, but i have been incredibly pre-occupied with pregnancy lately. I don't want children as such. I just want to be pregnant, and to have a baby. The impracticalities of having a child now are perfectly clear to me, and i know i don't really want a baby. I know that being pregnant is going to be perfectly hideous. But i have this romanticised vision in my head, where i am carrying Boy's child, and he is loving and adoring and its just generally sickening and lovely. I think its probably just an attention thing. Everyone loves a pregnant woman don't they. Is it normal to be so broody? I think about getting married a lot too. I can't wait to get married. I think that is less psychotic though. I do have a partner who i love, and marriage isn't quite such a drastic thing.

I have this "life anxiety" almost. I know i should be enjoying my youth, having a life. But the truth is, i'm not that good at having a life. I'm constantly worrying about what i should be doing next. Marriage isn't an essential part of life, and nor i suppose is having babies. But i seem to have some sort of mental time-table in which these tasks are included. I need to be married before i can have the babies. And i need to start making babies, before its too late. In case we have difficulties. I've always had this feeling that i'm infertile. I don't know why. Probably just another avenue in which my constant need for self pity can lie. And thats where the anxiety sits. Its no way to enjoy life, constantly worrying about the next thing on the "to do list" I have a loving partner. I should be secure in the knowledge that one day these things will happen. Because there's no reason why they shouldn't...

Good God i am a first class mentalist.

If Boy ever got to read this thing he would probably dump me and run away to Cuba or something...

Anyway.

I can't wait to go home and see him. I am so incredibly stressed and grumpy that an enormous cuddle is in order. Also, Mum is taking us out to RC2 for dinner on Saturday. The prospect of consuming my own body weight in curry and wine is a particularly nice one.

That is all.

Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

Not.

Good God i'm bored. Can't believe its the weekend again already.

I should be writing my neuroscience essay but, meh. I've only written 500 words and i'm stuck already. It's much less brain taxing to just ignore it.

Everyone in the corridor is out, so i am taking advantage of this fact by listening to music at an inappropriate volume. To be fair, i do this most of the time anyway. I'm sure everyone must hate me.

I was going to moan about how Katie and Roo always ignore me when their boyfriends are in the picture, despite the fact that i always try to include them in my activities with The Boy- because one: they're friends with him too, and two: i wouldn't want them to feel like i was brushing them off in favour of him when we spend so much time together usually. Usually they are both guilty of it. But Katie has just invited me for hot chocolate with her and Dan... so i'm off... hehe!

Meeeeurrrgh...

I've just polished off an enormous slab of chocolate cake... and its only 11.30am... whoopsy!

I feel quite sick now...

Boy has left already :( I hate these midweek visits, when it seems as though he's barely arrived when he has to go back again for work.

It was lovely tho. We had nice sex and everything. Yay.

I am so unbelievably tired today. The Boy is a little on the large side... so me plus him plus single bed doesn't make for the most restful of sleeps. Plus Phil and Mike went out last night, and brought back Gill and Becca at midnight, so they were sat up talking until about 2am. The walls here are so bloody paper thin, i could hear every word they were saying... Its not what i pay a grand a semester for, i can tell you! They were bitching about Korfball, typically. Becca was being her usual know-it-all self, even though when she's on the pitch, she seems to lack any basic tactical understanding of the game... not that anyone mentions it since she's shagging the Vice-Captain... The first match of the season is on Sunday, and Gill has already picked the team. Charlie, our "first team captain", is not actually on the team. I'm not entirely sure she knows about it yet either... so training will be interesting tonight...

Have a meeting with Glenn shortly, in which i feel sure he is going to pull my project introduction to pieces, and i will cry or something. I went into the hospital on Tuesday for one sample. One whole sample. Remarkable eh.

There is a girl working in the specimen reception at the hospital who i was chatting to on Tuesday. She graduated in Biomedical Science this year from Keele. She has a registration portfolio which she took a year out to do. And she is working in specimen reception... sticking labels on bottles... because there are no trainee BMS posts anywhere. This doesn't fill me confidence about my future prospects. In fact, it pretty much makes me want to throw myself on the floor and cry and scream until i vomit. But hey ho.

True to my father's advice ("Well, just finish your degree, then find a field where there are lots of jobs... and do a degree in that instead!"- Sound advice, if i was planning on entering The Guinness Book of Records with an entry for the world's largest student debt...) i'm thinking of applying to do Medicine sometime in the near future, rather than going into Biomedical Science for a few years first. I'm not sure i have what it takes to be a doctor, but i suppose i'll never know unless i try. Though the prospect of putting my life on hold for the next 10 years, isn't something i relish particularly.

Anyway. More later.

That Sunday Feeling...

My God i hate being a woman sometimes. I shall spare you all the unpleasant reasons behind my wish for gender reassignment right now however.

I just walked all the way to the library to photocopy an article for my Neuroscience essay... only to discover that the archives don't go back far enough, so they don't actually have a copy of the article... Trés annoying. I may have to pay a visit to the health library on Tuesday, though i'm not entirely sure if they will have it either...

I have finished my pancreatitis project draft- woot!

I'm so bored. I hate weekends.

Tom and Becca came down for a visit on Friday, for Becca's birthday, and so much fun was had dancing in the Union on Friday night.

Becca was one of the very first people i ever spoke to when i got to Keele, yet after the first few weeks we hardly spoke to each other. Our friendship was only rekindled last year, due to our mutual friendship with M and Roo. In hindsight, i wish i had made more effort with Becca, and in fact just made more effort to be sociable in general. Had i not spent my first couple of years here wallowing in the depths of depression, i might have had a greatly expanded social network and got to know some people who i hold merely as aquaintances a whole lot better.

I wish i was more articulate, so that i could explain myself better.

Irritated...

I really need to start thinking of more imaginative titles for my posts...

The internet is being exceptionally slow and shit today, which is pissing me off.

Yesterday i went in to the hospital to discover that there were no samples for me again. Which i am less than impressed by. Its not even as if there literally were no patients to take samples from- i spent a couple of hours in specimen reception this week and last week, and saw at least four serum amylase requests each time. At a rate of four every two hours, i could complete the whole bloody trial in one day, instead of stretching it out over the whole semester... If anyone ever bothers sending the urine samples that is... Its not as though its something i'm putting them out for either! The consultant in A&E wanted this trial doing! Yargh. I refused to spend six hours at the hospital doing nothing, so i came home at about half 11, and futzed around for the rest of the day. Joey and I had drinks and a long chat at The Orange Tree in the evening.

Spoke to Abbie briefly on MSN last night, and she seemed happy enough, having spent the day with her friends. I can't imagine Mum was very happy about her being out with Kayleigh-The-Bad-Influence again, but i am glad she is taking the psychologists advice at least.

Still in a confuddled state about the whole thing. I spent most of the day with her on Monday, shopping and chatting. Bullied her into eating some chips. Mum said she seemed a lot brighter afterwards. I should spend more time with her. Guilt...

I miss The Boy a lot. The weekend was rather strange and disjointed, and so we didn't really get to spend as much time solidly together as i would have liked. Half of the time we did spend together we spent arguing. Or me crying, and us not having sex. To be fair, i haven't exactly been difficult to upset/ annoy recently on account of my increasing stress levels... I shouldn't have taken it out on him.

(He did start an argument with me in the middle of an Indian restaurant about M however, which he fully deserved to be shouted at about... but thats a whole other blog entry...)

Saw a lot of Dad and Maddie this weekend, which was nice. I hardly ever get to see them, which is a bit rubbish. I should make more effort really.

I totally buggered up my budget this weekend also, by "accidentally" spending 50 quid on Elle McPherson underwear, and then since i was in the swing of shopping and had already made a mess of the finances, i bought a jumper from Topshop as well. I was doing so well as well. Sigh.

It is exceptionally nice underwear though. And i never usually have expensive underwear.

I might take the jumper back. I haven't decided yet. Its sitting in the wardrobe, awaiting its fate.

I shop to make me feel better about myself, but then always end up feeling worse with the guilt. Is that an addiction? I don't know.

I need to go to my meeting with my dissertation tutor woman now. She insists on me seeing her every week, but since i'm only in the research stage and i don't really know where she wants me to take the thing, i never have any idea what she wants to talk about. The complement system is infintely boring. Methinks i should have chosen my title more carefully...