Faster the Chase

Life has been moving along at a rather leisurely pace since university finished. I have spent my time eating, sleeping, reading non-university prescribed texts (woohoo!), watching Heroes and snuggling up to Daffyd.

Last Saturday was Korf PVP (past vs. present), where a selection of old players came up to uni for a game and whole lot of drinking. I forget who won the match now, no one takes it particularly seriously, I think it was probably the past team though... Sunday there was a mini tournament type thing organised by Castle, which suffered slightly from lack of people to make up teams, and so ended up just being a 3 hour game of korfball… which was a tad tiring! Maz came and crashed on my floor for the weekend, which was cool having not seen her for a long while. Though she does consistently make me wonder how she survives in the real world…

I certainly suffered after my sporty weekend, having not trained for a few weeks!

This weekend was the infamous Castle Tournament. Dave and I got up at 7 on Saturday morning to pack up all the camping and korfing gear, pick up a couple of other korfers from their respective houses and toddle off to the rugby club, arriving at 8. We then spent 2 hours helping to set up, building gazebos, marking out pitches, making sandwiches etc… Thus followed about 8 hours of solid korfing and trying valiantly not to fall over on the Astroturf pitches (read: glorified sand paper), with some intermittent water drinking and sun cream application. The weather was absolutely glorious, despite a pretty unspectacular couple of weeks. As pathetic as my skin is, I was burning through my t-shirt in the 8am sun, so I spent most of the day obsessively slathering on factor 30. As a consequence, I think I am actually whiter now than I was to begin with… ace. In true KUKC style, we came last, managing to be beaten even by the team which was only assembled at Christmas… which I helped to train…

The social in the evening was a good laugh, with a performance from Tom’s band and lots of general drinking and dancing-ness. We crashed out in our tents at about 1am… to be woken at about 5 by a rather impressive car boot sale set up about 100 feet from our tents. Most of us were up by 7, stood outside the tents looking bleary eyed and sunburnt; and making fun of the car boot sale goers and the drunken antics of the previous night. Dave and I packed up and were home for about 9 to go back to bed for a couple of hours. We spent the rest of the day eating, unpacking, eating, generally tarting about and eating…

Dave is in school next week on placement, so I am going to have to amuse myself for a lot of the time. We have spent pretty much the last fortnight together constantly… and in all honesty it has been lovely. At the risk of speaking to soon, things seem to be going really well. I told him I loved him on Saturday night, in our tent, because, well, I do. In my own way, which I suppose will be difficult to understand. His response? “About bloody time, I’ve properly loved you for ages!”

Oh.

I am still getting used to this different kind of relationship- trying to be less clingy and demanding and selfish and unreasonable, not being able to get away with it anymore. Dave is much less tolerant and indulgent of me. He doesn’t worship the very ground I walk on. There is no pedestal for me to sit on here! It’s a little difficult and I don’t altogether like it, but perhaps it will make me a better person in the end? I don’t know. For the most part, there are no issues, and things are just Lovely.

I am dreading the time when I have to go home and be alone. When I am most likely going to realise the enormity of the change, the loss of The Boy shaped comfort blanket, the utter dreadfulness of my recent behaviour, the immersion of myself into another ridiculous long distance relationship which may not even work out because Dave can be an arse sometimes (conveniently forgetting that this is true of all men…) and I am most probably on the rebound anyway… But for now I choose not to face up any of this.

Dave is taking me home on Friday night… which is going to be excellent to explain to my mother… Then we maybe off to Bristol for another Korfy tournament, though I haven’t decided if I really want to go yet. I am of the tendency to wallow, at the moment and tournaments mean effort, even if it is fun in the end.

Plus I have NO money, and a million things to pay for, which is a bit of a bum.

That is all.

Summer is 'ere...

Wow so I have been pretty lax with my updating again… Not that anyone much cares, I suspect!

I have had a really lovely couple of days. After spending a week at home recovering from the post exam dissertation slog, I came back to uni for Joey’s birthday outing this Friday as promised. I have to admit I wasn’t much looking forward to going, but I ended up having an ace time. I was once again shamed for my frequent episodes of Jo related bitterness by Jo’s boyfriend Dave, who thanked me drunkenly and profusely for coming out, telling me “everyday I hear something about you Rach, I’m so glad she’s got you”.

Bless.

Woke up on Saturday morning feeling massively hungover and spent most of the day tarting around doing nothing in particular. The weather has been glorious for the past week or so, so on Saturday night Dave and Alex built the barbeque in a manly fashion and me, Katie and the majority of the residents of the PGCE block spent the evening eating burgers, drinking alcohol, playing football and just generally enjoying the nice weather. Oh, and talking about being teachers…. (not me and Katie though….)

On Sunday, Dave woke me up at some ungodly hour and we prepared food to go on a picnic. We spent the day at Trentham Gardens, eating, lounging around sunbathing, people watching etc. We had a really lovely time together. Shockingly.

I now have some rather fetching sunburn. Red and white and stripey, it’s a good look.

Monday was another impromptu barbeque, this time with Roo in attendance and yesterday Dave and I spent together doing nothing in particular again….

Anyway. I have now officially finished university. I successfully managed to write my dissertation and some other awful biochemistry literature review thing in five days, so as of the first of May 2008, everything was done and handed in. Finito. Woop. What an immense feeling of relief that was. Though naturally, me being me, the exuberance wore off very quickly, once I got bored of having nothing to do.

So now I have to join the real world. Which is upsetting to say the least. I have a job interview next Friday for an immunology post at a hospital not too far from home. Immunology isn’t microbiology, but it’s always been a toss up between the two disciplines to be fair. I would really really really like this job. So fingers crossed.

In less sensible news, I have no idea who my boyfriend is, and it seems unlikely that I ever will. The Boy and I have been apart for about six seven eight weeks… I don’t even know. Daffyd and I have been “seeing” each other pretty much the whole time since then. Things were a little rough at first and seemed much more difficult than they should have been. I at one point came to the conclusion that things weren’t going to work with him and was going to finish it. But in hindsight, it was a stressful time of exams and work and breaking up with people and rumours and gossiping and… yeah. Whatever. Things started being nice again, I was too much of a chicken to end things and so… it would appear we’re “in a relationship” as Facebastard would say. The thing is, The Boy is still desperate to try things again. I’m in two minds. When things were horrible with Daffyd, the temptation to go running back was immense. I would ring him and we would chat and it’d be nice. Whilst at home last week I spent a little time with him. Things were easy and comfortable and do-able, I suppose. But it doesn’t feel the same. I am terrified by the prospect of not loving him anymore.

There is only one actual solution to this problem, and that is to have neither of them. I am never going to decide who I want and it’s not even fair that I should be allowed to. I always want the one I’m not with and as a consequence am constantly flitting backwards and forwards between them, forming no meaningful commitment to either of them. Everytime I have a nice day with one, I decide upon them… until the next time I have a nice day with the other one… I have possibly managed to build myself the “perfect relationship”. The conversation, laughter and convenience of The Boy, and the sex, excitement and alternate convenience of Daffyd. Of course, if I truly liked either of them, I wouldn’t be able to behave this way, would I?

But being single is not an attractive option. In my head it is a fabulous meld of Sex and The City and Bridget Jones- all expensive shoes and drinking too much wine. But the harsh reality is that I have no friends, no job, no money, nowhere to live and family that annoy me. So…

Am tempted to give things a try with The Boy again. Three years is a long time and its not like I will have lost anything through trying (except Daffyd… but then is he really likely to be a forever thing anyway…?). If only I could make myself feel the way I felt about him just a few months ago. But then I have lovely days with Dave, and I think “this could work, it really could”

That is all.

Vancomycin resistant enterococci, anyone?

I don't really have anything interesting to say, as usual. But i am shattered and bored of writing out essays to learn.

Yesterday was a fairly surreal day. I can't get used to this new partner business, which is in essence what it is. Daffyd and I went into town for a bit, had some lunch, bought a suit (not me...). Went out for dinner in the evening with Alex and a couple of PGCE girls who i've never met before. They were pretty awful... but it was a laugh nonetheless. Chatted to Alex mostly. He's so funny, i love him to pieces. You can't take him anywhere though. I'm pretty sure the waitress spat in our dinner...

Spent the rest of the day dossing around. Had what i suppose can only be described as a "tiff" with Daffyd. Not even worthy of being called an argument. Just a level of cross-ness. He keeps telling me its normal, i am used to one way of doing things and he is used to another, hence when our ways clash, we need time to adjust to it. Which makes sense i suppose. I just feel a little too fragile to be dealing with having him annoyed with me as well right now. So i went home.

First instinct upon going home and crying hysterically was to ring The Boy and demand affection and attention and sympathy etc. But i restrained myself. It wouldn't be fair on him. It would be pathetic. And getting into the habit of running back to him everytime something goes wrong in a new situation is just not a recipe for success. I rang Daffyd in the end and he came back round. I had a big long cry and a chat, got a few things off my chest and i feel a little better now. Didn't get to sleep until about 4.30am, hence the tiredness.

But I think i still miss the Boy. I don't know.

Daffyd is off playing korfball today. I probably should have gone to watch but i couldn't be arsed. Whoever wins today has won the league, so am pretty sure i will be hearing all about it later.

That's all for now.

An update

So i haven't updated in a while. A partial combination of business and just general apathy. Now however, i have finals to revise for and so conveniently my desire to blog has been reignited.

Thursday 20th of March was my last ever day of lectures. Which i'm sure i would feel sad about, if i were to think hard enough about it. Now i am currently embroiled in revising for my finals which are in two and half weeks time (and of course my usual petty emotional drama, which i will come to in a minute) and feeling guilty about not having started my dissertation. Thankfully i have a week after exams in which to write it. Its fair to say however, that i'm more than a little stressed.

For continuity's sake i will carry on the story of my relationship disturbance from where i left off last time. Though a fair few things have happened since then.

I told Ruth about my affair with Daffyd. She was unexpectedly fine about it (though is most likely just well concealing her disgust with me, she has very high moral standards). She came to the same conclusion as Katie. That Dave was a bastard, i had been used and manipulated and that i needed to tell The Boy. I still had my misgivings. Mostly due to the fact that Dave was never going to tell Ele, and so i stood to lose everything and him nothing. Which is malicious and pathetic, but well, that's just me. Despite these misgivings, i decided that i would tell The Boy. It was the right thing to do after all.

The day i was due to leave for home, Daffyd told me he wanted to see me before i left. Having managed to successfully ignore him for more than a week, this was unexpected. But i went to see him. And he told me that he had left Ele. Having spent the past week trying to push him out of my head, this news was received with slight confusion. I told him i was planning to tell The Boy about the cheating whilst at home. He asked me where that would leave "us", and i told him i didn't know. Which was the truth.

Silly as it sounds, i was a little annoyed at him for upping and leaving Ele out of the blue. I had spent the week agonising about telling The Boy, and had come to the conclusion of doing it with no reference to Daffyd. Now it was going to look as though i had done it just for him. Which i can assure you all now was not the plan at all.

So i went home with good intentions. The foil in my plan however was that i actually enjoyed spending time with The Boy. He was lovely. We went out, we chatted and laughed and snuggled and even had sex. Things were perfect, just like they always had been. I adored him. And there was no way i could tell this man that i had betrayed him. Because it would destroy him. And i didn't want that. I wanted to be with him. And i knew that i could manage perfectly well to never tell him, if i had to. Becuase i am deceitful like that. So while spending the week in pretence of "i'll tell him tomorrow... i'll tell him tomorrow...". i knew in the back of my mind, that i wasn't going to. And that was fine by me. Dave was in my head a little. But it was nothing serious. I knew i could get rid of it in time.

The day before coming back to university, Dave asked me if i had told The Boy yet. I was forced to admit that i had spent the whole week chickening out. It was then that he told me outright, that he had left Ele for me, in the hope that he wouldn't be the only one single come the end of the week. I had suspected this. But not assumed. He didn't love her after all. Regardless of me. But no, he told me he had changed his mind again, and in order to prove the permanence of his decision to me, he had left her. Rather inconvenient timing, given my recent decision to make things work with The Boy. So now i felt guilty. But nevertheless, resolved to sort things out once i got back to uni. I could explain to Daffyd. It would be fine.

Except i get back to university and Daffyd is there and wants to take me out for dinner and spend evenings with me and cuddle me and kiss me and apparently i want to let him... So despite the shittiness of it all, i come to the conclusion that i am in fact incapable of controlling myself which isn't fair on The Boy and so i phone to tell him i am leaving him.

He doesn't take it well. But as others have said to me, deep down, he already knew. He doesn't want to leave me. He wants to stay together and work things out. And while i want that too, i know i am stuck at university with Dave for another 3 weeks, and i know i won't be able to stay away from him in that time. So i have to force the point. I am leaving you. Which is difficult, when it isn't really what i want.

So now i am single. Except i'm not really. Daffyd is sweetly happy that i have left The Boy. He wants to see me all the time. He holds me and kisses me and takes me out and we sleep together. And he tells me how beautiful i am and how he is happier than he has been for a long time. And how he can't wait for the day when we can be together properly. We are taking it slowly, casually for now. Apparently.

The Boy knows nothing of this. He is desperate for me to come home so we can sort things out. And perhaps i would, if it weren't for my finals. I will never work for them at home and so i am forcing myself to stay here. And the way things are going with Daffyd now, i clearly don't want to sort things out that much.

I don't know who or what i want now or where to turn for the answer. No matter what i chose, someone is now going to get very hurt, because of me. I am so overwhelmed by guilt.

I am starting to miss The Boy a little. I don't know if its genuine or if its loss of the comfort blanket effect. The same as i dont know if the surge of affection i felt for him during that week home was just a clinging mechanism, in the face of losing him imminently. If i loved him so much, i'm sure i wouldn't be fucking Dave quite so frequently.

The Boy managed to track down Ele, like i knew he would. They have been chatting to each other a lot, swapping tales of mal-intent and most likely just making each other feel worse. The general conscensus of their chats is that Dave is a manipulative bastard. The Boy is determined to believe/ prove to me that Dave has powers of mind control and has been out ot snare me from the very beginning. I of course, have been to weak minded and feeble to resist.

Dave is just there. He wants me, and is prepared to wait for a time when he can fully have me. And if the emotion he expresses towards me is just manipulation and using, i would be very surprised, despite what everyone wants me to think.
I have no idea how i would tell him that i had changed my mind and was going back to the Boy. And part of me doesn't want to. Another part of me thinks that any emotional trauma he suffered might serve him right, after the was he initially treated me.

I am inclined to think that by leaving The Boy and sleeping with D, i have already made the decision. I shouldn't be allowed to turn around on it, even though the opportunity has been provided to me. If and when it turns out to be the wrong one, it will serve me right.

I think i am going to spend the week on my own next week. No males of any variety. Perhaps that will make the decision for me.

I might get round to revising for my finals sometime soon.

She moves in her own way...

So i told Katie. And i feel a little better for it. Her general conscensus was that Daffyd is a giant arsehole who has been using me, which seems to be the general opinion of everyone. Which is partially true. Call me naive, but not entirely.

The thing about telling Katie is that i now need to tell Roo. I don't want to tell Roo, because she will be disappointed and cross and she will think less of me, although she couldn't really think any less of me than i currently think of myself. I also think she will expect me to tell The Boy, and so i really need to decide what i am going to do about him before i tell her.

Katie thinks i should tell The Boy. She also thinks Ele should be told. I am of the opinion that what people don't know won't hurt them. If i can go home for the Easter vacation and convince myself i love The Boy again then i don't particularly want him to know. The decision of whether to be with him or not would be made up for me if i told him. And i am selfish and weak and as unlikely as it seems, i really do love The Boy and so i don't want that to happen. Also, if i break up with him, then Daffyd has won. Because i will have nothing. And he will be carrying on with his little life as normal, with no repercussions or upset. And he isn't worth destroying my entire life over. I also don't think that Ele needs to know. After everything she has been through, i can't see it doing her any good. The only part of me that wants her to know, wants it for entirely vindictive reasons. It would teach Dave a fucking lesson. He would be resolved of all control of the situation then. However, i strongly suspect that Ele would forgive him anyway. Katie seems to think she probably already knows.

I also want to tell Alex. More for a male perspective than anything. Alex is Dave's best friend and knows him better than anyone. I suspect he would be able to shed an awful lot of light on things which Dave refuses to acknowledge. Alex is a lot more perceptive than one would give him credit for. He has cross questioned Dave and Katie on several occasions about what is going on between us. Before anything even was going on... But for Alex to know, Roo would have to know, and then Dave would know that they all know... Which would serve him right to well and truely have lost control of the situation. But also not go very far in salvaging our friendship. Alex would give him a good bollocking. And Dave would assume i had only told them all to be malicious. Which is not entirely the truth....

I am feeling better than yesterday. Two days without contacting him and i am not missing him especially. Yesterday he spent with Ele, and my face was rubbed in it almost constantly with his silly Facebook status updates and the like...

He wants the friendship to go back to normal, but i am not convinced that it will be able to. I told him i needed a couple of days away, which i have had now, but am still not ready for seeing him really. I think i can just about cope with this situation as long as i am not seeing him. Being with him will only stir up a lot of feelings which i am currently working hard to suppress.

Three major things make me not want to restore the friendship: The fact that he quite clearly isn't even a little bit upset about the events of this weekend. The fact that he spent yesterday with Ele, rubbing my nose in it. And the fact that if he really wanted to leave Ele, he could do it now, and it would mostly have blown over by September- when she comes to university.

So answer that, you fucker.

To The End

No i'm not dead. But my laptop is. There are errors on the hard disc, which is about as wrong as it could go really. After a couple of days of crashing and struggling it finally gave up the ghost on Monday morning, when it refused to even boot up anymore. Thankfully all my work was backed up, otherwise the crying and hysteria which ensued could have been far far worse. RIP little laptop, you are well missed.

Its quite ridiculous how much i rely on the computery thing. I literally cannot do anything without it. No work, no internet, no music, no films... nothing. I have had to become excessively reliant on the library and friends to keep me worked and entertained, which is rubbish to say the least.

Anyway. On to the main point of the day. The Daffyd thing, it would appear, is actually, finally over. No messing about this time. Because i am weak and silly, and prone to taking even the most minor of slights the wrong way, i allowed myself to get back into it, after the argument. Which apparently wasn't really an argument, just him being in a bad mood, inadvertantly taking it out on me, and me being oversensitive about it. We have spent the night together since then, last Thursday. Not to have sex, just to sleep. But the general consensus was that it was still a romantic thing. He went off to London for the weekend for his birthday. When he came back, we seemed to be back into the is it on/ is it off situation, where i agonise over the whole thing for days on end, and he wants to spend time with me, cook dinner together, go out etc but makes no moves to imply we are more than just friends. On Monday i rang him in tears because my laptop had died, and i was panicking and upset. He came over, attempted to fix it, failed, spent a bit of time at mine, claiming he couldn't go home because "it was raining" even though i think we can assume he just didn't want to go. Then he took me to his so i could use his computer to do some work, bought me pizza for tea and then we watched a film with Roo. On Tuesday, i went to the pub with Joey. At the end of the evening i get a text on my phone from him, asking if i fancy a trip to Tesco with him... This text he had sent about two hours previously, but i had only just received because my network reception is terrible in Keele. So i replied to say sorry for not texting earlier and missing the Tesco trip. He replies to say he hasn't been yet, as he has been sitting waiting for me to reply. Which seems a little strange. After all, if he wanted to go to Tesco, surely he just would have gone. Excuses? So i went to Tesco with him, and bought food to cook with him, in return for the pizza. We spend a little time together afterwards, but nothing happens. Thursday he wants me to cook for him, but i have work to do, and Korf training, and he apparently is incapable of waiting an hour to eat, so we don't have dinner together. After Korf, i realise in blind panic that i have forgotten to submit my projects electronically (which you have to, so they can be run through the plaigarism software), which potentially means i have missed the deadline and will have my marks capped. So i have to go to Roo's to use her internet to do this. Except her stupid wireless mouse and keyboard for some reason refuse to work when any USB port is in use so i can't actually get my projects from the memory stick onto the computer. So i have to go downstairs and beg the use of Daffyd's computer and internet again. I go in and do it, and come straight out again. Whilst i am there, he tells me that Ele has got a place at Keele to do her PGCE. I ask him if that is a good thing or a bad thing, and he says he doesn't know yet. Which one can only assume is not a good thing, because otherwise he wouldn't even have to think about it... But i don't get into a discussion about it. I leave. Which i am proud of myself for doing. On Friday afternoon, for the first time in a while, he pops up on MSN and speaks to me spontaneously, without me speaking to him first. I in the process of being cold and bored and pretending to work in the library, and so he invites me round for tea, cos he has "loads of food and will never be able to eat it all" Which wasn't entirely the truth... but hey, free tea. More excuses? For some reason, on Friday, i was feeling distinctly underwhelmed by him. I don't know why. I just didn't feel particularly attracted to him or feel like i wanted to be that close to him. Maybe he picked up on this, i don't know. But he quite clearly wanted something romantic today. He was slowly edging closer to making a move, engineering it carefully. We ate tea, and then watched a DVD. Half way through we ended up snuggling up. Then he kissed me. No asking, or tentativeness. Just full on his face in my face. Which i don't stop him from doing. Naturally. Because really i want it. Although it implies we are back in the realms of are we/ aren't we. I have to leave shortly after, as the Korf Student Nationals were on the Saturday, which involved setting off from Keele at 7am... "Are you actually going to leave?" Is what he said. I don't know what would have happened had i not have left. Saturday i am in Manchester all day, playing at Nationals. I have arranged to have tea with him in the evening when i get back, to finally eat the food i bought for him. He is supposed to be cooking it for me as i have spent 8 solid hours playing korfball, but he is being a bit of an arse when i get there, showing off in front of his flatmates. So i end up cooking most of it. We eat together, and he becomes less of an arse. He is quite sweet and tender and when i am quiet asks me if i am ok and if i am tired. Later in the evening we got to a pub in Nantwich to see a band play who Dave and Alex went to uni with. He had asked me if i wanted to go a couple of days earlier, and i had told him i would go if i wasn't too tired. I purposely don't mention it when i am there with him, leaving him the opportunity to not take me, but he tells Alex and Katie i am going with them, so it appears as though i am going... The gig was cool, the band were actually really good. I spend most of it being impossibly attracted to him. When we leave, Dave drives us all back to his and Alex's, without even asking if i want taking home. So i assume he wants me at his. Katie goes home and Alex goes to bed and Dave says "so what are we going to do for the rest of the evening?" We spend a couple of hours farting about, not doing anything in particular and then its midnight, and he says we need to decide something to do, or just go to sleep. So i ask him what kind of night it is. Because in the realms of Daffyd and I, there are sensible nights, and there are not sensible nights. Its difficult to work out which night is which most of the time. He tells me its a "my girlfriend is coming early in the morning, and Alex knows you are here and hasn't left yet- night" Which is fair enough. But one wonders why we spent so much time together if it was that kind of night. Then he tells me again about Ele, and her newly acquired PGCE place and how they will have to live together next year, even though he doesn't really want her to come and doesn't want to live with her and is dreading next year it means we have to be sensible from now on because leaving her now would make things difficult next year. I tell him that i can't cope with the constant chopping and changing anymore and that i am not having cake and eating it anymore, these are real big feelings i have now and i'm not going to let him do this to me again, because it hurts to much. He might be being sensible now, but how long until he changes his mind again? So he says that this is the final decision. Sensible is the final decision. He is never going to leave Ele, and wants to have time to get over this before he has to move in with her next year. He "doesn't want to hurt anybody" and he thinks i will be less hurt than Ele by being left. So i am being left. Which is fine. It was only ever going to end this way. The minute he told me Ele was applying for Keele, i knew she would get in and i knew he would become more trapped and i knew i would be the one who lost. The thing that makes it hurt the most is that i know he wants what i want, he is just too ridiculous and stubborn and stupid to have it. But he refuses to have any of it. I "couldn't possibly understand" their relationship. No matter that they are both living a sham, it is "making her happy". Curing all her problems. Of course it is. Of course she would be thrilled to learn that her boyfriend has been fucking me for the past two months, and that he doesn't really love her and has in fact just been wasting her life when she could have been out finding someone who really loves her. He told me that last week, he was all geared up to leave her for me, because he thought it was the right thing to do. But then, they went to London together, and it wasn't as bad as he thought, so he didn't... I'm pretty sure that sounded a lot better in his head...

So it is over. Which i might find a little easier to accept if i didn't know that he wants me exactly as much as i want him. He still wants to be friends, to the extent that we always have been. I'm not sure how that will work, since when i'm with him, all i want to do is touch him and kiss him and he tells me he wants the same. But neither of us want to go through some ridiculous charade of ignoring each other for the rest of the year. I am taking a few days away from him anyway. Until i decide.

I am fairly certain i could go home now, and persuade myself to be in love with The Boy again. I don't particularly want to get over Daffyd, and i certainly don't want him to get over me. But the alternative is Nothing. Its never going to happen. He is ditching me, to have a nice cosy life with Ele. There is always a constant in his nice worked out little life, and that is her. I, on the other hand, feel like i have had my life smashed up into tiny little pieces. I am not sure on what basis i can make things work with The Boy anymore. I should probably leave him, just on moral grounds, but apparently i am not big on morality and so will probably stay with him as a comfort blanket. But i'm not sure how long i can do that for. And then i have nothing. I don't have Boy or Daffyd. And he carries on his perfect little life as though nothing ever happened. Even now, as i write this, he is out having Sunday lunch with her, pretending things are nice and normal. While i am alone and hurt.

Part of me wants Ele to find out. If i left The Boy and told him i had been cheating on him, i'm pretty sure she would find out. He can be very vengeful. But part of me wants to tell her. Not personally, but i want her to know. Which is horrible and selfish because she has been raped and self harms and god knows what else and she doesn't deserve to be hurt anymore. But she has a right to know, yes? And i wouldn't be doing it for her, for nobility, i would be doing it for selfish and vindictive reasons. And that wouldn't get me what i want anyway. Daffyd would know what i had done and then he would hate me.

I am so upset, and he doesn't really seem to understand why. Which is frustrating.

I can think of lots of reasons why it is a very good thing that this is over. But right now i can't see past the feelings.

I am tempted to tell Katie about what has been going on. I suspect she would lose a lot of respect for me, lord knows i have lost all respect for myself. But i would have someone to talk and cry to. She could tell me what a cunt he is and how i am too good for him. And things would feel better. I would feel less like cutting myself up. But then i would have to tell Roo. Part of me wants to tell her too. But i don't know. Then they would hate him. Which would be difficult.

In other news. KUKC did not come last at the student Nationals. We came 13th out of 16. We didn't even spend the whole day getting mullered like we did at regionals. Though we lost most of our games and drew two and won one, we only lost by one goal each time. There was no screaming and retribution, possibly due to the calming influence of Jon, our coach who came this time. All in all, it was a fairly pleasant day. And the last time Keele 1 will officially play together as a team. Which is quite sad really. The more i think about these things, the less i want to leave university.

My sister has been dumped by her boyfriend. The last time my sister was dumped by her boyfriend, she slashed her wrists... Don't really know what to do about that one.

All in all i think a negative outcome for the week.

Stuff and Fings...

I am so unbelievably tired. Today, i've had to like, do stuff. Shocking.

I had lectures 9 til 1, and then in the afternoon my IBMS/ HPC registration portfolio was assessed... which took fucking ages. Four hours we had to sit in the undergrad room, pretending to do tutorial work and generally faffing around, while the examiners went through the portfolios sentence by sodding sentence apparently... Though i passed, in the end. So now i can be let loose in the NHS, whoop!

I am still agonising over the Daffyd situation. After our argument on Sunday in which he was incredibly rude and vicious towards me for no apparent reason, i decided i wasn't going to speak to him until he apologised. Despite my inherent obsessiveness, i managed to stand my ground. On Monday, he found a couple of really ridiculous reasons to text me. One nil to me i think. He was his usual infuriating self, acting as though nothing had happened, chattering away. I asked him if he was going to apologise, and he said no, basically. I had another rather nasty discussion, in which he proved what a nasty, manipulative, controlling and self righteous arsehole he is. He refuses to accept any responsibility for upsetting me, and doggedly insisted that the whole thing was my fault and just generally spent an hour implying how stupid and pathetic i was. I was so incredibly frustrated and upset with him, i couldn't even bear to argue with him any longer.

Today i went to Crewe to play a match and generally help coach with the korf beginners from the new C&N club that Roo has set up with a couple of people from Castle. I knew he was going to be there, but at the end of the day, Roo asked me to go, and i'm not going to hide away because of him. I was apprehensive. But he was just acting as though nothing had happened. Simultaneously good, as i didn't have the energy for another argument with him, and annoying, as he knows how much he has upset me this week, and doesn't even have the decency to make reference to it. He didn't invite me to his after, and i haven't made reference to it. I am disappointed, but i know i shouldn't be. It infuriates me that he isn't trying to be with me. I would take great pleasure in being able to cut him down. I sincerely hope he hasn't decided he is being sensible again, and thinks he is holding me at arms length until i get the message. If its over, its over because i say it is, because he is an arsehole, and i want him to know that. I know it shouldn't matter but it does. He thinks i am some needy clingy little bint who will keep running back to him, who he can just charm into bed when he feels like it, and who he can ignore when he pleases. Well i won't be. And he is going to know it.

(Now i just need to convince myself).

(I still miss him and want him. Clearly moreso now i think i can't have him)

God, i am such a fuckwit.

Sleep time i think.

Ten and a bit reasons why it is probably a good thing that Daffyd and I will no longer be sharing bodily fluids:

And why we definitely will not be tempted to text/ MSN/ ring him tomorrow to unleash a tirade of abuse/ psychosis/ hysterical crying. To be read repeatedly in case of Dave pining emergency.

#1. He is a moody, controlling, manipulative, attention seeking arse, who has quite clearly singled me out as an easy target for his games in mind-fuck.

#2. He makes me feel very small and very stupid. And i am not small. And i am definitely not stupid.

#3. Him and his situation bring out the very worst in me. He makes me paranoid and anxious and whiney and clingy and i lose all ability to articulate myself when arguing with him and just become generally insane. Lets face it, i need that like a hole in the head. I am more than capable of being insane without outside help...

#4. He is apparently, the most indecisive man in the world. One minute he wants me, the next minute he feels guilty and he doesn't. Not that it would cross his mind to actually communicate this to me. No, he would rather hold me at arms length for a week or so and expect me work it out for myself.

#5. He is too spineless and pathetic to leave a relationship he doesn't want to be in, despite claiming to be in love with me.

#6. He has a major league martyr complex.

#7. He seems to think its acceptable to take it out on me, everytime he is suffering from his man period, by talking to me as though i am the piece of metaphorical shit on his shoe.

#8. I will no longer have to risk losing the love and respect of the three people i love most in the world, when they inevitably found out what had been going on.

#9. He is, in fact, quite ugly really.

#10. His penis isn't even half as big as he thinks it is.

#11. I want to be in control of this situation. And i never will be unless i take charge of it now. Even if he comes to me tomorrow, acting as though nothing ever happened, which he most likely will do, i am just allowing myself to be used yet again.

#12. Even though i am a little bit scared that i have fucked things up for good, and he won't come crawling back tomorrow, i know that it is probably for the best. The longer this goes on, the more attached to him i become, and for the reasons outlined above, we quite clearly will never be in a relationship together. In two months, i will almost certainly never see him again. And to be in love with him at that point would be soul destroying.

#13. I miss My Boy. He worships the ground i walk on. He thinks i am beautiful and funny and clever and he tells me so. He wants to make me happy, not mess with my head. I miss the laughter we used to have. I am going to make an effort and i am going to get that back.

#14. This is just about the worst possible time to be distracted from university work by ridiculous emotional turmoil. And he damn well knows it. I'll be damned if i'm going to let him fuck up my degree along with everything else.

#15. I haven't cried over a man since i was about 12... until today...

#16. I can start to pull myself out of this quagmire of guilt and start to rebuild my self respect...

#17. He is probably just using me for sex anyway, and i am too stubborn and stupid to see it.

#18. Now i can go back to only having to shave my legs on weekends...

#19. This evening, for the first time in over two years, i seriously contemplated taking the rest of the paracetemol in the packet. And i blame him entirely for that.


************************************************************



Now i just need to exercise some self control... Help please.

One track minds...

Yesterday in the middle of a perfectly normal conversation, Roo suddenly demanded to know, rather heatedly, "why do your boobs look so enormous in that top!?" I was forced to reply that i didn't really know.

Later on, Daffyd told me he was in love with my breasts. (Not me now... Just my breasts...)

For the record, my breasts are pretty average. I'm not quite sure why the whole world has developed such an obsession with them this past week... But hey. One day i will be old and saggy. And these conversations will be a comfort to me, i'm sure.

Keele One lost yet another match last night, and so we can now no longer come top of the league. But we came top last year so, its not so bad...

Second team nationals are in a fortnight, and if first team nationals were anything to go by, i am not looking forward to that day...

I stayed at Daffyd's last night, which was a tad risky and i probably won't be doing again. That's one good thing about living in my flat. Noone really cares if i'm alive or dead, and so aren't particularly interested in who is sleeping in my bed either!

I have started my project analysis and discussion today! I probably should feel slightly less stressed now, but i am starting to become aware of the ever expanding pile of other work i have to do in the next fortnight and so it is a hollow victory. I just can't seem to motivate myself to do any work at the moment. I seem to get to this point every year, where i just can't work, and the work that i am doing feels like its utter shite. Third year, second semester is a rather unfortunate time to choke though. Sigh.

Plus usual residual guilt.

Earthquakes!

Are well cool innit. Bless Sleazy and Fishfinger boy. They were full of it last night, the big geology geeks.

I am struggling to do any work, so am skiving as usual. My non-experimental project is about 1500 words over the limit, and i don't have the will to start reading it and cutting things out of it. Don't really know what to do about that. Still no results for the experimental project. Deadline is in two weeks and noone is taking me seriously. I am going to cry, very soon. The Case studies and Biochem of disease assessments are up on the server, so i could do those, but lets face it, i'm not going to. Motivation = come back please.

Dave told me he loved me last night. I don't think i believe him. I think he has feelings for me beyond that of friendship, and doesn't have another more suitable word to describe the in between situation. He is a bit of a closed book when it comes to emotion. He likes to retain his cool and collected exterior, overviewing the situation and making me do the running in the emotional stakes. Some kind of superiority complex perhaps. Which makes me feel rather vulnerable. Last night was a bit of a breakthrough. He told me that when we're not together he is always thinking about me and thinking of situations to get us to be together, and that when he is with me he is happy and wants nothing else. He says i "get him". And noone "gets" him. I asked him if he loved El. His response was to screw up his face and contemplate deeply for a few minutes. Which i took to be a no. But, he is still with the martyr complex. Two more years he says, until she is "normal". He is ridiculous, utterly ridiculous. But there is just no reasoning with him. He is in for a very miserable life, i fear.

In answer to the inevitable question... i have no idea how i feel about him. I certainly don't love him... i have only known him since September after all. But i do feel something for him. Something inappropriate given my supposed relationship status. I also want to have sex with him. A lot. This is the thing that worries me perhaps the most. For at least two years, the thought of sex with The Boy has just made me feel tired. It has been a chore to get through. I do it because i love him, and even though i get little pleasure out of it, its still a physical closeness that is nice to have. But the extent of my unarousal has led me to think on more than one occasion that there is actually something physically wrong with me. And now here Dave is. Last night i wanted to fuck him so badly, it was almost physically painful. We had that adolescent sort of night with lots of kissing and yearning. It was like being 15 again. Which kind of implies that the sex thing is not another addition on my list of crazies, as previously suspected, but an issue with The Boy, or our relationship, or both. Which is not reassuring. But then, its not like it was a big issue before. It upset me on a personal level. But it wasn't upsetting the relationship. I wasn't thinking that i couldn't spend the rest of my life with him because of it.

I'm prepared to accept that maybe the attraction to Dave is more about the drama and the new excitingness of it all. He is new, he is exciting. And i do love the thought of it all going on behind people's backs. Keeping up the normal friendly banter with him in front of our friends, the Korfers etc. Listening to him making jokes about Gill his "fuck buddy". Watching Fake Cough's tragic attempts to flirt with him. And them not having a clue. They think they know something, but really they know nothing. Sitting there oblivious as he holds my hand under the table in the pub, laughing at his "jokes" about fucking me while he whispers the truth in my ear. Its my hair he strokes, my waist his arm is around, my room he sneaks off to when everyone goes home. And yes i should feel cheap and nasty and sad. But when i'm with him i don't. I feel exciting, and excited.

I suppose the proof of the pudding is that when he asks me if i would leave The Boy for him, i overwhelmingly feel panic. I don't know if i do want to leave him, even though i probably should. And i don't know if my feelings for Dave are valid enough, if they are solid for him. The last thing i want is to be screwing over two people in one fell swoop.

I wish i was a better person.

Early morning shenanigans:

At 5.57am, i attended what is most likely to be my last Keele University fire drill. More annoying than the usual 4am ventures as by the time you get back in you don't actually have much time to fall back to sleep before having to get up again for morning lectures. So am shattered today.

The drill wasn't too bad this time, fairly speedy and the security men and resident tutors seemed marginally less ecstatic at our sleepy misery than usual. Also they just took our room numbers as we came out, rather than doing it register stylee when everyone finally arrives out. Which last time led to the following conversation:

Security Man: 48?

Fishfinger Boy: Yep!

Me: Phil, I live in 48.

FB: Do you?

Me: Yes Phil, all year...

FB: Well where do i live then!?

Me: 49...

Cue me being cross questioned by resident tutors about my fraudulent inhabitation of someone else's room...

As annoying as the drills are, there is a certain amount of camaraderie about them, which you don't often get here. Huddling around in hoodies and pajama bottoms (or whichever piece of inappropriate attire one chooses to don... c'mon guys, you know its not a real fire, you have the time, there's really no need to turn up outside in a pencil case and a flip flop...), chatting to people you would never usually speak to, laughing even though its 6am, pissing it down with rain and you're wearing a Space Invaders dressing gown...

And then its back to bed. To spend the next two hours thinking you have tinnitus, when in actual fact its just the alarm going off in the next block, and then the next block and then the next block.... zzzzzz....

Today i am going to do something productive. I don't seem to have done anything useful for days... I still haven't had my project results validated which means i can't actually analyse them and so my project is at a stand still. I am becoming progressively more annoyed by this, but may be able to get an extension out of it, if the worst comes to the worst. I may start my dissertation.

Tonight i am going to Manchester to see Tom's band play a gig at the Academy, which is quite prestigious so should be good. Gill and Becca are going, more's the pity (miaow!) but Dave is going and Maz will be there so should be good.

I have a feeling Dave is going to have done his usual weekly 180 degree turn today. In which case i will have to unleash my psychosis on him, and it will not be pretty. But i am not going to let him do it to me again, so at least if that does happen, it will mean an end to this crazy situation.

I am on my period, and it hurts. A lot.

That is all.

On course for disaster...

There are so many things in my head that i need to write, but i'm finding it hard to find out what they are and put them into some kind of sensible order.

I have had a horrible and confusing week and it is all completely self inflicted.

Last weekend The Boy came down to stay. He is a lot more perceptive than we give him credit for, and seems to realise that there is something not quite right. Though to be fair, my distantness and continual irritation at him probably gives it away a little. The thing about The Boy is, when he senses something is amiss, something he thinks (rightly or wrongly) is jeopardising our relationship, his natural instinct is to cling. I swear there are limpits with less adhesive ability. And he whines. God, how i hate whining. Coupled with the fact that i live in a very small space, and that he hadn't had the foresight to actually bring anything with him to do for the entire week... Well i was horrible to him. An actual bitch.

On Sunday, Daffyd for some reason saw fit to tell Roo about the whole sorry "situation" that has been occurring between us, despite the fact that i expressly told him to Not Under Any Circumstances Tell Ruth, on more than one occasion. I had neither the physical opportunity or emotional capacity to be explaining things to Roo, bollocking Dave and keeping things normal and concealed from The Boy, and as such, spent most of the weekend on the verge of a panic attack.

I was livid with Daffyd. Not only did he choose to break my trust, but specifically at a time when he knows full well that The Boy was here, and i couldn't do anything about it. It seemed to me that he was either a) not as bothered about Boy finding out and leaving me as he claimed, b) deliberately trying to stir up trouble between me and Roo, c) feeling guilty whilst visiting El, and creating some kind of backlash towards me to end things once and for all d) jealous that i was with Boy and he wasn't centre of attention or e) wanting El to find out but not wanting to tell her himself. Though he claimed that he "wasn't doing it to get at me"

I managed to get away and talk things through with Roo, who was understanding and lovely, despite her excessively high moral standards, and i felt incredibly guilty for not just telling her in the first place. She is clearly hurt by the fact that i didn't. We decide that Daffyd is an arse, and clearly the sensible solution to the whole issue is just to ignore him. This is a recurring theme, so pay attention.

Meanwhile i am being progressively more vile to The Boy and eventually have to send him to Karl's two days early, for fear of actually murdering him.

Being the argumentative bint that i am, after Boy left i demanded to see Daffyd for an explanation. He tells me that his weekend with El was horrible and they had an argument, which he was telling Roo about which somehow culminated in him telling her he had feelings for me, because he needed to "vent". He says there was no malicious intent whatsoever. And while everyone has been telling me he is manipulative and controlling and trying to screw me over, i don't want to believe that because it means i am an exceptionally bad judge of character and that he has been out to hurt me all along. So i don't believe it. While i am still incredibly cross with him, i find it difficult to maintain when he sits there so placidly telling me quite simply that i've got it all wrong.

The day after Daffyd cooks me dinner before Korf training. Tired and full of food i fall asleep on his bed. I wake up to find him staring at me.

Later on in the evening i receive text messages from Katie, demanding to know why i am having dinner with Dave when i am meant to staying away from him. (Fucking Alex, the grass). I have to bite my tongue when replying to prevent unleashing a "fuck-off-since-when-do-i-have-to-answer-to-you-i-am-perfectly-capable-of-making-my-own-decisions" type tirade. At this point i realise the increasing potential of this situation to leave me well and truly with nothing. I am lying to my friends and deliberately going against their advice, when they only want me to do the sensible thing and not make a complete fuck up of my entire life.

Dave is upset that Roo and Katie are now not speaking to him because they think he is screwing me over and trying to stir up trouble between us all. He seems to think he is going to be taking it out on me. I feel guilty only momentarily. He did, after all bring it on himself. I did warn him not to tell Ruth. After the Katie texts, he decides the only way to deal with the situation is for us to ignore each other. Or as he says, i am going to end up having to choose between him and Ruth and Katie. Again, this seems like the sensible thing to do. But in my fragile mood, i refuse to have any of it. I can't face losing him just yet. He concedes that it wouldn't make him that happy either.

Yesterday was a Korf match day. (Incidentally, we didn't lose, but we only drew, which doesn't bode well for our place in the league). Dave ignored me for the entire match. After we all went to the pub and actually ended up having a really good laugh. Dave suddenly was speaking to me again. After the pub, prompted by him, i went back to his to get painkillers for a headache i mentioned earlier in the evening (a rather inventive reason for invitation on his part i thought). Things did not take a sensible turn.

It must appear that i am being used, or screwed over, or whatever. That i am a naive and silly little girl. But i know he genuinely does have feelings for me. He is just stubborn, and confused. Which i can hardly aberrate him for, when i am exactly the same. And as last night proved, i can play him quite effortlessly at his own game. I can engineer the circumstances just as well as he can, no matter how many times he tells me its finished and he is being sensible again.

I am quite terrified by this whole situation. The only time i don't feel anxious about it is when i am with him. Maybe i am clinging onto some small sliver of hoping that he is going to leave Ele. Though if i am honest, i'm not exactly sure how the hell i would react if he did.

I'm not going to let this carry on for very much longer. I don't know how much longer. Only that it has to be me who decides. Not him.

I am afraid of having to leave The Boy. There was never any question of not loving him until this all started. But i don't think things will ever be the same with him now. My continuing irritation at him makes me feel as though i am beginning to love him less. By losing him, i am losing a future, as well as a past and present. It really would represent the total degradation of my entire life. But apparently i am not prepared to lose Daffyd either right now.

This is all so incredibly ridiculous. I'm ashamed to even write it.

Make a note, i am in a good mood!

And it doesn't happen very often!

Got my Clinical Pathology exam result back today... 90 fucking percent- whoop! Not too shabby, especially since i only did three days revision for it!

The Neuroscience ones are not out yet. They are being remarked externally as Knobface head of the module gave out such harsh marks for the essay (though not mine...)and people were complaining about him. I did three weeks revision for that one, but i'm not holding out for an amazing result particularly.

On Wednesday night i received a highly inappropriate Valentine's gift from an even more inappropriate source. So i guess you could say, being sensible isn't working out that well.

And now maybe i should be wallowing in guilt and shame and self loathing. But i'm not particularly. So fuck off.

Hello, sunshine.

It is frosty and freezing, but the sky is clear and the sun is out. And the people of Keele appear to have developed some temporary sunshine induced insanity. I saw a guy walking into town earlier in some cut off trousers, t-shirt and sunglasses... When will these people learn! Sunshine does not equate to warmth. Particularly in the English midlands...

I think i might be getting better! Whoop! I'm not going to speak to soon though...

This weekend at home has been strained and not altogether pleasant. I think i have managed to hold it together just sufficiently to keep The Boy happy.

I haven't seen Daffyd now for four days and haven't spoken to him for two. The last time i did speak to him he was particularly vicious towards me, apparently due to some supposed slight which i thought we had already dealt with. I suspect his behaviour was an attempt on his part to sabotage the friendship in order for him to cut ties, forget about me and carry on as normal. Or that he was jealous that i was at home with The Boy. Or maybe i am just being presumptuous and he was just in a bad mood like he said. He did apologise at least. I'm not sure how things stand between us right now.

Now i really, really need to go and do some work.

Sigh...

I know i'm doing the right thing.

So why do i feel so ridiculously upset about it?

Anyone would think i had feelings for him.

Okay:

The time has come for this insanity to stop.

Dave and I had another, much longer conversation last night, he finally admitted he wasn't happy with his relationship, and it has become increasingly clear that this thing between us is going to get exceptionally out of hand if it isn't nipped in the bud right now.

There is nothing intrinsically wrong with my current relationship with the Boy (apart from, i suppose, the fact that i seem to seek the attention of other men...) I have not spent the last three years striving for the day when we can have a happy normal relationship which isn't defined by the constraints of university to throw it down the drain just as we are reaching the last hurdle. I can't imagine a scenario where i am going to leave Wayne for Dave, and he sure as hell doesn't have the guts to leave Ele, so there is no point in even continuing to agonise ourselves over this.

I highly suspect this is a case of Dave wanting to have his cake and eat it. Or i am just a symptom of his unhappiness with Ele. Whether intentionally or not, he is manipulating me.

For once in my life i am going to listen to the sensible people. I'm just not going to see him alone anymore. This has only been going on for a few days, its not that serious, it will fizzle out in time. Its not something either of us particularly wants, but its what needs to be done.

I don't know who i think i'm trying to kid.

I'm going home tomorrow anyway, so i won't be seeing him again until Tuesday even if i wanted to.

God, i feel so ill.