The laptop shit itself in spectacular style last night. Taking with it my very recently completed experimental project, plus a number of other semi-important documents... It Blue-Screen-of-Death-ed me, restarted itself about twelve times and just generally refused to do anything useful beyond the start up screen.
Thankfully after leaving it overnight to cool down and have a little rest, it seems to be ok today. It is making some decidedly strange noises however, i think perhaps the fan is fucked. Fingers crossed it will hold out until April... I shall have to be nice to it for a while.
Note to self: I will back up my immensely important university work in the future!
Friday, 7 March 2008
Thursday, 6 March 2008
Wednesday, 5 March 2008
So You Know
I don't know who i thought i was kidding when i thought i could get out of all this unscathed. How i thought i was going to be able to cope, emotionally speaking, given my mental fragility... shall we say. How i ever thought it was going to work. I am selfish, and naive, clearly.
And now it has all blown up in my face and i feel like i'm in pieces. It hurts so much, and its nobody's fault but my own.
I can't do the things i have done and not get attached. I haven't got it in me to be the "other woman". Second best, whatever. I want affection, attention, i want more than i feel like i can demand from you, more than i think you are willing to give.
It kills me that you are so distant now. But it stands to reason, now you have had what you want. You were never interested in me, or what i do or who i am. Apparently its been plain for everyone else to see, just not me.
I want to be distant and aloof. But i can't do it. I suspect the knowledge of this only fuels your desire to hold me at arms length. Despite it all, the only person i want to be comforted by is you.
I know i deserve everything i get.
Right now, i can only think of one way to make this stop. But you're not worth it. You'd think it was all about you. And your sense of self importance is big enough already.
And now it has all blown up in my face and i feel like i'm in pieces. It hurts so much, and its nobody's fault but my own.
I can't do the things i have done and not get attached. I haven't got it in me to be the "other woman". Second best, whatever. I want affection, attention, i want more than i feel like i can demand from you, more than i think you are willing to give.
It kills me that you are so distant now. But it stands to reason, now you have had what you want. You were never interested in me, or what i do or who i am. Apparently its been plain for everyone else to see, just not me.
I want to be distant and aloof. But i can't do it. I suspect the knowledge of this only fuels your desire to hold me at arms length. Despite it all, the only person i want to be comforted by is you.
I know i deserve everything i get.
Right now, i can only think of one way to make this stop. But you're not worth it. You'd think it was all about you. And your sense of self importance is big enough already.
Tuesday, 4 March 2008
Stuff and Fings...
I am so unbelievably tired. Today, i've had to like, do stuff. Shocking.
I had lectures 9 til 1, and then in the afternoon my IBMS/ HPC registration portfolio was assessed... which took fucking ages. Four hours we had to sit in the undergrad room, pretending to do tutorial work and generally faffing around, while the examiners went through the portfolios sentence by sodding sentence apparently... Though i passed, in the end. So now i can be let loose in the NHS, whoop!
I am still agonising over the Daffyd situation. After our argument on Sunday in which he was incredibly rude and vicious towards me for no apparent reason, i decided i wasn't going to speak to him until he apologised. Despite my inherent obsessiveness, i managed to stand my ground. On Monday, he found a couple of really ridiculous reasons to text me. One nil to me i think. He was his usual infuriating self, acting as though nothing had happened, chattering away. I asked him if he was going to apologise, and he said no, basically. I had another rather nasty discussion, in which he proved what a nasty, manipulative, controlling and self righteous arsehole he is. He refuses to accept any responsibility for upsetting me, and doggedly insisted that the whole thing was my fault and just generally spent an hour implying how stupid and pathetic i was. I was so incredibly frustrated and upset with him, i couldn't even bear to argue with him any longer.
Today i went to Crewe to play a match and generally help coach with the korf beginners from the new C&N club that Roo has set up with a couple of people from Castle. I knew he was going to be there, but at the end of the day, Roo asked me to go, and i'm not going to hide away because of him. I was apprehensive. But he was just acting as though nothing had happened. Simultaneously good, as i didn't have the energy for another argument with him, and annoying, as he knows how much he has upset me this week, and doesn't even have the decency to make reference to it. He didn't invite me to his after, and i haven't made reference to it. I am disappointed, but i know i shouldn't be. It infuriates me that he isn't trying to be with me. I would take great pleasure in being able to cut him down. I sincerely hope he hasn't decided he is being sensible again, and thinks he is holding me at arms length until i get the message. If its over, its over because i say it is, because he is an arsehole, and i want him to know that. I know it shouldn't matter but it does. He thinks i am some needy clingy little bint who will keep running back to him, who he can just charm into bed when he feels like it, and who he can ignore when he pleases. Well i won't be. And he is going to know it.
(Now i just need to convince myself).
(I still miss him and want him. Clearly moreso now i think i can't have him)
God, i am such a fuckwit.
Sleep time i think.
I had lectures 9 til 1, and then in the afternoon my IBMS/ HPC registration portfolio was assessed... which took fucking ages. Four hours we had to sit in the undergrad room, pretending to do tutorial work and generally faffing around, while the examiners went through the portfolios sentence by sodding sentence apparently... Though i passed, in the end. So now i can be let loose in the NHS, whoop!
I am still agonising over the Daffyd situation. After our argument on Sunday in which he was incredibly rude and vicious towards me for no apparent reason, i decided i wasn't going to speak to him until he apologised. Despite my inherent obsessiveness, i managed to stand my ground. On Monday, he found a couple of really ridiculous reasons to text me. One nil to me i think. He was his usual infuriating self, acting as though nothing had happened, chattering away. I asked him if he was going to apologise, and he said no, basically. I had another rather nasty discussion, in which he proved what a nasty, manipulative, controlling and self righteous arsehole he is. He refuses to accept any responsibility for upsetting me, and doggedly insisted that the whole thing was my fault and just generally spent an hour implying how stupid and pathetic i was. I was so incredibly frustrated and upset with him, i couldn't even bear to argue with him any longer.
Today i went to Crewe to play a match and generally help coach with the korf beginners from the new C&N club that Roo has set up with a couple of people from Castle. I knew he was going to be there, but at the end of the day, Roo asked me to go, and i'm not going to hide away because of him. I was apprehensive. But he was just acting as though nothing had happened. Simultaneously good, as i didn't have the energy for another argument with him, and annoying, as he knows how much he has upset me this week, and doesn't even have the decency to make reference to it. He didn't invite me to his after, and i haven't made reference to it. I am disappointed, but i know i shouldn't be. It infuriates me that he isn't trying to be with me. I would take great pleasure in being able to cut him down. I sincerely hope he hasn't decided he is being sensible again, and thinks he is holding me at arms length until i get the message. If its over, its over because i say it is, because he is an arsehole, and i want him to know that. I know it shouldn't matter but it does. He thinks i am some needy clingy little bint who will keep running back to him, who he can just charm into bed when he feels like it, and who he can ignore when he pleases. Well i won't be. And he is going to know it.
(Now i just need to convince myself).
(I still miss him and want him. Clearly moreso now i think i can't have him)
God, i am such a fuckwit.
Sleep time i think.
Sunday, 2 March 2008
Ten and a bit reasons why it is probably a good thing that Daffyd and I will no longer be sharing bodily fluids:
And why we definitely will not be tempted to text/ MSN/ ring him tomorrow to unleash a tirade of abuse/ psychosis/ hysterical crying. To be read repeatedly in case of Dave pining emergency.
#1. He is a moody, controlling, manipulative, attention seeking arse, who has quite clearly singled me out as an easy target for his games in mind-fuck.
#2. He makes me feel very small and very stupid. And i am not small. And i am definitely not stupid.
#3. Him and his situation bring out the very worst in me. He makes me paranoid and anxious and whiney and clingy and i lose all ability to articulate myself when arguing with him and just become generally insane. Lets face it, i need that like a hole in the head. I am more than capable of being insane without outside help...
#4. He is apparently, the most indecisive man in the world. One minute he wants me, the next minute he feels guilty and he doesn't. Not that it would cross his mind to actually communicate this to me. No, he would rather hold me at arms length for a week or so and expect me work it out for myself.
#5. He is too spineless and pathetic to leave a relationship he doesn't want to be in, despite claiming to be in love with me.
#6. He has a major league martyr complex.
#7. He seems to think its acceptable to take it out on me, everytime he is suffering from his man period, by talking to me as though i am the piece of metaphorical shit on his shoe.
#8. I will no longer have to risk losing the love and respect of the three people i love most in the world, when they inevitably found out what had been going on.
#9. He is, in fact, quite ugly really.
#10. His penis isn't even half as big as he thinks it is.
#11. I want to be in control of this situation. And i never will be unless i take charge of it now. Even if he comes to me tomorrow, acting as though nothing ever happened, which he most likely will do, i am just allowing myself to be used yet again.
#12. Even though i am a little bit scared that i have fucked things up for good, and he won't come crawling back tomorrow, i know that it is probably for the best. The longer this goes on, the more attached to him i become, and for the reasons outlined above, we quite clearly will never be in a relationship together. In two months, i will almost certainly never see him again. And to be in love with him at that point would be soul destroying.
#13. I miss My Boy. He worships the ground i walk on. He thinks i am beautiful and funny and clever and he tells me so. He wants to make me happy, not mess with my head. I miss the laughter we used to have. I am going to make an effort and i am going to get that back.
#14. This is just about the worst possible time to be distracted from university work by ridiculous emotional turmoil. And he damn well knows it. I'll be damned if i'm going to let him fuck up my degree along with everything else.
#15. I haven't cried over a man since i was about 12... until today...
#16. I can start to pull myself out of this quagmire of guilt and start to rebuild my self respect...
#17. He is probably just using me for sex anyway, and i am too stubborn and stupid to see it.
#18. Now i can go back to only having to shave my legs on weekends...
#19. This evening, for the first time in over two years, i seriously contemplated taking the rest of the paracetemol in the packet. And i blame him entirely for that.
************************************************************
Now i just need to exercise some self control... Help please.
#1. He is a moody, controlling, manipulative, attention seeking arse, who has quite clearly singled me out as an easy target for his games in mind-fuck.
#2. He makes me feel very small and very stupid. And i am not small. And i am definitely not stupid.
#3. Him and his situation bring out the very worst in me. He makes me paranoid and anxious and whiney and clingy and i lose all ability to articulate myself when arguing with him and just become generally insane. Lets face it, i need that like a hole in the head. I am more than capable of being insane without outside help...
#4. He is apparently, the most indecisive man in the world. One minute he wants me, the next minute he feels guilty and he doesn't. Not that it would cross his mind to actually communicate this to me. No, he would rather hold me at arms length for a week or so and expect me work it out for myself.
#5. He is too spineless and pathetic to leave a relationship he doesn't want to be in, despite claiming to be in love with me.
#6. He has a major league martyr complex.
#7. He seems to think its acceptable to take it out on me, everytime he is suffering from his man period, by talking to me as though i am the piece of metaphorical shit on his shoe.
#8. I will no longer have to risk losing the love and respect of the three people i love most in the world, when they inevitably found out what had been going on.
#9. He is, in fact, quite ugly really.
#10. His penis isn't even half as big as he thinks it is.
#11. I want to be in control of this situation. And i never will be unless i take charge of it now. Even if he comes to me tomorrow, acting as though nothing ever happened, which he most likely will do, i am just allowing myself to be used yet again.
#12. Even though i am a little bit scared that i have fucked things up for good, and he won't come crawling back tomorrow, i know that it is probably for the best. The longer this goes on, the more attached to him i become, and for the reasons outlined above, we quite clearly will never be in a relationship together. In two months, i will almost certainly never see him again. And to be in love with him at that point would be soul destroying.
#13. I miss My Boy. He worships the ground i walk on. He thinks i am beautiful and funny and clever and he tells me so. He wants to make me happy, not mess with my head. I miss the laughter we used to have. I am going to make an effort and i am going to get that back.
#14. This is just about the worst possible time to be distracted from university work by ridiculous emotional turmoil. And he damn well knows it. I'll be damned if i'm going to let him fuck up my degree along with everything else.
#15. I haven't cried over a man since i was about 12... until today...
#16. I can start to pull myself out of this quagmire of guilt and start to rebuild my self respect...
#17. He is probably just using me for sex anyway, and i am too stubborn and stupid to see it.
#18. Now i can go back to only having to shave my legs on weekends...
#19. This evening, for the first time in over two years, i seriously contemplated taking the rest of the paracetemol in the packet. And i blame him entirely for that.
************************************************************
Now i just need to exercise some self control... Help please.
Saturday, 1 March 2008
One track minds...
Yesterday in the middle of a perfectly normal conversation, Roo suddenly demanded to know, rather heatedly, "why do your boobs look so enormous in that top!?" I was forced to reply that i didn't really know.
Later on, Daffyd told me he was in love with my breasts. (Not me now... Just my breasts...)
For the record, my breasts are pretty average. I'm not quite sure why the whole world has developed such an obsession with them this past week... But hey. One day i will be old and saggy. And these conversations will be a comfort to me, i'm sure.
Keele One lost yet another match last night, and so we can now no longer come top of the league. But we came top last year so, its not so bad...
Second team nationals are in a fortnight, and if first team nationals were anything to go by, i am not looking forward to that day...
I stayed at Daffyd's last night, which was a tad risky and i probably won't be doing again. That's one good thing about living in my flat. Noone really cares if i'm alive or dead, and so aren't particularly interested in who is sleeping in my bed either!
I have started my project analysis and discussion today! I probably should feel slightly less stressed now, but i am starting to become aware of the ever expanding pile of other work i have to do in the next fortnight and so it is a hollow victory. I just can't seem to motivate myself to do any work at the moment. I seem to get to this point every year, where i just can't work, and the work that i am doing feels like its utter shite. Third year, second semester is a rather unfortunate time to choke though. Sigh.
Plus usual residual guilt.
Later on, Daffyd told me he was in love with my breasts. (Not me now... Just my breasts...)
For the record, my breasts are pretty average. I'm not quite sure why the whole world has developed such an obsession with them this past week... But hey. One day i will be old and saggy. And these conversations will be a comfort to me, i'm sure.
Keele One lost yet another match last night, and so we can now no longer come top of the league. But we came top last year so, its not so bad...
Second team nationals are in a fortnight, and if first team nationals were anything to go by, i am not looking forward to that day...
I stayed at Daffyd's last night, which was a tad risky and i probably won't be doing again. That's one good thing about living in my flat. Noone really cares if i'm alive or dead, and so aren't particularly interested in who is sleeping in my bed either!
I have started my project analysis and discussion today! I probably should feel slightly less stressed now, but i am starting to become aware of the ever expanding pile of other work i have to do in the next fortnight and so it is a hollow victory. I just can't seem to motivate myself to do any work at the moment. I seem to get to this point every year, where i just can't work, and the work that i am doing feels like its utter shite. Third year, second semester is a rather unfortunate time to choke though. Sigh.
Plus usual residual guilt.
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