In Other News...

Letters to Hell...

Dear Fishfinger Boy,

firstly let us get one thing perfectly clear. Fishfinger boy is not an affectionate nickname on account of an amusing penchant for fishfingers on your part. You are Fishfinger boy on account of the fact that you have all the personality of a semi-defrosted one.

Now to the main point of our correspondence. I am sick and tired of having to dig six months worth of your dirty festering crockery out of the sink, everytime i want use it, due to your apparent clinical aversion to washing up. Sort it out, you lazy, scruffy twat!

Also, i don't like having to stay awake until 2am listening to you and your irritatingly whiney girlfriend having bad geek sex, six inches away from my head. Its just wrong!

************************************************************

Dear Pompous Arrogant Knobface living in the room formerly known as Andy's,

Surprisingly enough, i am not deaf. If you are going to whisper about me to your exceptionally plain girlfriend... at least wait until i have left the kitchen!

************************************************************

God, i hate communal living.

That is all.

Bleeurgh

Good God i feel poorly. I swear i have been feeling sick for about six weeks now. I hate being me. (And no, i'm not up the spout, before anyone says anything).

I think i am just going to give up eating. I am clearly allergic to it.

Happily, i didn't get the Vomit-y dissertation title. Mine is about Anorexia Nervosa, which should be interesting.

I'm stuck with my Non-experimental project. Which naturally means i am pratting about on the internet waiting for some divine intervention, rather than actually working on it. I'm not stuck as such. I just have too much information in too many different papers, and keep forgetting what i read and where i read it and having to go through all the papers over and over and over... I could just make notes on the damn things but that would be far too sensible. My brain is in no mood to be making logical sense of things right now.

I just wanted to moan really.

Alone again...

Boy has just left for home, and i feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness now.

These ridiculously short visits are no good. I didn't even miss him that much before, but now i have seen him, and he's gone again, its a bit gut-wrenching... :(

Last night was good fun, even though about an hour before we were due to go out, i started feeling incredibly ill, and as such was highly dubious about eating or drinking anything for most of the night. Still, the company was excellent.

I went out for lunch with Daffyd earlier in the week, and have been feeling distinctly off colour ever since. I think perhaps i have had food poisoning from the pub. I suffer from emetophobia
and the thought of being sick is so incredibly hideous and panic inducing to me that i have actually managed to train myself to just not be sick. Ever. Which sounds good i suppose, but in fact it means that bugs i catch linger for weeks on end while my body tries to fight them off or they work their way out of the other end... Whereas someone less freak-ish might just throw up and feel better within the day. Hence the sudden emergence of illness last night anyway. A bottle of red wine and a chicken Bhuna seemed to cure it after a while anyway...

The new guy living in Andy's room is a bit of a pompous arse.

That is all.

In other news...

I have had a very busy and productive first week back. Well busy by my standards, not by a normal person's...

I have had lectures and tutorials and project meetings... I have revised my opinion on GH slightly. He is still incredibly annoying and ineffectual, but the levels of hatred towards him have subsided a little, and i am feeling less stressed out about the whole lack of meaningful project results thing. The general opininon is that rubbish results means lots of things to moan about in the discussion section. So i guess i'll have to go with that.

I have finished my registration portfolio and handed it in. I don't care if GH wants me to do anything else to it now, quite frankly i never want to see the damn thing again.

I have started writing my non-experimental project! Its coming along quite nicely so far, although i am quite blatantly going to max out the word count...

I have chosen my dissertation titles and handed in the request form. I doubt there was much point in bothering, since the usual favourites will get their first choices and the rest of us (i.e. me) will end up with the crap that is left. Though to be fair, there wasn't an awful lot to go on to begin with... I give you Exhibit A:

Vomiting- A valuable defence, or just an irritating symptom of disease?

I ask you. Who the hell wants to write five thousand words about vomit? Oh the joys of Biomedical Science.

I bet i get that one. I bet you.

The Boy is coming down tomorrow! I can't wait. Birthday Celebrations Mark Two are occuring tomorrow night. Boy, Katie, Maz, Ann, Dave, Joey and me are going for a curry in Newcastle. I am really looking forward to it. I think this is the first time in about three years that i have organised something and people have actually bothered to come. Maz is down from Manchester for the weekend and is staying with Gill. Hence i am recieving substantial guilt trip from her about not inviting Gill to come too. I admit it is a little awkward for her, but i'll be damned if i'm going to invite Gill when can't fucking stand her! Plus if she came then the whole sorry Korfing Crew would have to come. And then i would have to drown myself in a Korma or something.

They are such hypocrites. They never bloody invite me anywhere (not that i'm bothered, i wouldn't go because i can't stand them... but thats not the point!) I could drop down dead in my room and not be seen for weeks and Phil and Mike wouldn't notice. And Gill and Fake-Cough are just plain ignorant. I don't know how Gill has the cheek to expect to be coming. But anyhow...

I korfed tonight. Only for an hour, thankfully. Exercising was a bit of a culture shock after all the time off i've had. During training, i managed to bang my head twice, doing exactly the same thing both times... As if i didn't feel bad enough already... I think i am probably concussed now...

Mum is nagging about when i am going home again already. Which confuses me slightly, since she never seems that interested when i am there. Sigh.

I don't really have anything interesting to say, so i'm going to stop now.

Black Dog

A little while ago, someone directed a comment at me, which has been playing on my mind ever since.

It went along the lines of "depression is a disease that you never recover from, get back on the medication"

For as long as i can remember i have been unhappy. My parents both abused me, emotionally and to a certain extent physically, at various points throughout my youth. It never really registered that they had done any lasting damage. I've always seen myself as just not a very cheerful person. Some people are cheerful a lot, and can see the bright side of life. Some people get angry and stressed and dwell on the negative points of life. That's just the way it is.

The thing about negativity is that it accumulates. Irrational and derogatory thought patterns are easily fallen into. And once you're in that place, you become vulnerable to all the mind-fuck the world cares to throw at you.

About two years ago, i came to realise that the state my head was in at that point in time, life was literally not worth living. Bullying is unpleasant from anyone. But the bully in your head is the most vicious and relentless of all, and mine was working overtime. I had always thought that depression was something other people had. I thought that if i told someone i was depressed, they would laugh in my face and tell me to stop being a silly little girl, that only grown-ups had depression. To a certain extent, i still fear that reaction, particularly from my parents.

In reality, noone laughed in my face. Doctors were helpful and sympathetic and friends were concerned and upset. I took the antidepressants and i felt better. My little pool of serotonin filled up again. After about a year, i stopped taking them.

Some people think antidepressants are dangerous, addictive, mind altering drugs, which have no place in the effective treatment of mental illness. Other people apparently think they are an emotional crutch.

I think antidepressants have a perfectly valid role in the treatment of mental illness, and their use shouldn't be discounted because of public misconception and hysteria. But i don't think that a diagnosis of depression should necessitate a lifelong prescription. This notion that depression can never be recovered from seems incredibly defeatist to me.

I for one certainly don't intend to spend the rest of my life being a slave to my serotonin levels. The thought patterns, they still need work. But its do-able. Sitting back and saying "oh well i'm depressed now, thats it forever, pass me the pills". Just seems a little strange to me.

I know i don't make much sense. Feel free to contradict.

Airheads are us...

Jo said to me today:

"I hope i get an interview for that Microbiology post... i've seen some really nice trousers and a top on Asos i could get for it... *squeal*..."

Yeah 'cause, you deserve to get the job...















Bitter, moi?

Two Little Ducks...

Well, i'm back at University. Which, when all is said and done, isn't so bad really. I have my own nice tidy room, a clean, non moulding bathroom... i can go to bed when i want, and not when my 26-going-on-60-boyfriend decides he is tired... and i can start to get on with some of the work that has been playing on my mind for the past month and a half. I don't know who i think i'm kidding when i take work home to do. I never do it. Ever.

I'm lucky to have got back at all today. Being the hyper-organised being that i am (pfft), i predicted flooding related train delays, and decided to consult the fountain of knowledge that is the National Rail Enquiries website prior to commencing my journey. Feeling highly superior, i carefully selected a non-flooded route and trotted off to the station.

Well. The National Rail Enquiries website LIED. The bastard. Which lead to a four hour, excessively watery journey, highlights of which included a long cold stay in Huddersfield and a magical mystery tour of Manchester. Sigh.

I arrive back to discover that the cleaner wants to clean my room again... she has cleaned it 3 times since i left for Christmas, i have only been back for four days since then- how dirty does she think i am!? And rather more excitingly that Andy and Heather have split up and Andy is in the process of moving out. I can't say i didn't see it coming. They have only been seeing each other about nine months, which by my calculations means they must have agreed to move in with each other having being together only three months. Its a pretty big strain for such a young relationship i would think. Particularly since they seem to have spent every waking moment together, since i've known them anyway. I get the impression that Heather doesn't really have any of her own friends, so they always socialised together. They even do the same course! I think its a credit to them they've managed to refrain from murdering each other for this long. The atmosphere is a tad frosty at the moment, so i gather it wasn't an amicable split. Andy has managed to swap rooms with one of his friends downstairs, which is incredibly generous of his friend i think. Hopefully he will be a decent enough guy to live with. I think i am going to make more of an effort with Heather now she isn't going to be glued to Andy 24/7. I felt guilty about intruding on their couple time before... But now i suppose she will be needing a friend. We shall see anyway.

Yesterday was my birthday, and i think i am now past the stage of being able to convince myself i'm still a teenager. Twenty two is far too grown up. I was eighteen when i met the Boy, all young and nubile... everyone wants an 18 year old girlfriend! I asked him if he still loved me as much now i am 22 and old. He said he did :)

The Boy did indeed buy me a stuffed creature for my birthday, but it is very cute so i think i will forgive him. He also bought me underwear and perfume (the exact same perfume that his parents bought me for Christmas, so now i am going to be bloody swimming in the stuff... i ought to be cross with him for not paying attention, but i just can't bring myself to be... It is very nice perfume at least). Mum restocked my bra collection for me, in order to accommodate my rapidly expanding bosom. Though i say rapidly expanding, i have in fact been wearing the same size bra since i was about 13, so its probably been coming on for a while. I have now achieved my favourite cup size now anyway! I threw some of the manky old bras away today. She also bought me some socks, which is a lot more exciting than it sounds. Previously i had a grand total of zero pairs. I will have to get back into the habit of wearing them.

The Boy and I went ice skating for my birthday which was hilarious... Somewhere along the line, ice skating has apparently become a past time of choice for Chavs... in Bradford at least... and they are surprisingly talented at it! We, however, were not. After a good half an hour clinging onto the barrier of the ice rink, Boy falling on his backside and me accosting some old man... we finally got into the swing of things. It was great fun, and loads better when the majority of the people buggered off home, leaving the rink a little emptier. Rather fittingly, when we got home that Celebrity Dancing on Ice thingy was on so we ended up watching that for a while. Subsequently, ice dancing has been added to my list of things i am going to learn to do when i have money and things... I'm not sure Spencer and Poppleton will be up there with Torvill and Dean for a while yet though...

I should be going to bed now- i have a 9am lecture tomorrow- madness! I don't think i have seen two 9 o'clocks in one day for about two months. Though I always sleep really badly for the first few days back in my own bed, so i probably won't bother going for a while. You would think i'd sleep better without the snoring, farting, cover stealing, space hogging lump beside me, but no. That's not how it works apparently.

Don't read it, just don't.

Or: Ten Things of Current Annoyance:

#1 I am made to feel about as welcome as an infestation of cockroaches in my "family home". I'm not allowed to eat anything, i'm not allowed to use the washing machine, i don't have anywhere to sleep, i'm not allowed a pillow... My loving family do nothing but argue and snipe at each other, and bearly speak to me half the time. Handy parenting tip a la Rachael: want to get rid of your eldest child? Move to a house with one less bedroom, while they're away, so they can't come back home, even if they wanted to! Yes, i'm 22, yes, i'd rather poke out my own eyeballs than move back into this house, but just being asked, would have been nice. Quite how this plan of my Mother's would have worked out had i not been in a semi-serious relationship with the Boy is beyond me. I strongly suspect i would have been living on my own come Summer 2008. My sisters who i am supposed to be close to, act as though they are members of some private club- the membership of which is excluded to me. I spend half my life feeling guilty about not being at home enough, spending too much time with the Boy and for what. Well i'm giving it up. From now on, i'm just going to do what i want to do, instead of what i think i should be doing, and maybe then i might be a bit happy once in a while.

#2 My Mother's "work mates" spying on me via Facebook, with me being subsequently cross questioned about said Facebook page. Excuse me? Bearing in mind, i have never met these men, i have no idea who they are, they as far as i am aware have no idea who i am, does noone else find this a little suspect? Euch. I am so unbelievably annoyed about it, i can't even think of anything else to say.

#3 University, and its many sub-categories. I have an ever increasing pile of work to do, and an ever decreasing amount of time to do it in. I just can't motivate myself to do anything this week. I was meant to be starting my Non-Experimental Project and finishing my registration portfolio this week... but i haven't...

#4 My Experimental Project. Three months working in that hospital. Three months, and i have 19 results. I should have 60. Not only do i only have 19 results, but i only have 19 completely irrelevant results. The samples are from the wrong people, in the wrong place. Because the right people in the right place can't be arsed to pull their fingers out and spend an extra 36 microseconds with a patient, just to help me. And my so-called project Supervisors, what are they doing to help? Well i'll give you a clue... it starts with FUCK and it ends in ALL. GH really is the most ridiculous, lazy, incompetent TWAT i have ever had the misfortune to come across. I can't stand him. So, no project. Or should i say, a totally pointless and irrelevant project. Excellent.

#5 GH is my Case Studies in Biomedical Science tutor this semester. As if i don't already see enough of him. Joy!

#6 Jo. Jo is my best friend and i love her. But Jo was sent to try me, i swear. With her perfect skin and impeccable dress sense, generous parents and bodybuilder boyfriend, brazillan waxes and fabulous sex life.... the list, it goes on. Jo with her amazing innate ability to always land on her perfectly shod little feet. This time last year neither me nor Jo had been given final year project titles because of the almighty departmental cock-up, which meant picking from the dregs that noone else wanted and failing, or not doing a project, and er, failing. Did Jo use her initiative and go and find herself a project within her hospital? No, but i did. She sat back and fluttered her eyelashes, doing nothing in particular, and somehow ended up with a custom made project from one of the most popular Supervisor's in the whole department, in one of the most interesting and competitive project areas. She has finished her project work. I am stuck with a worthless piece of crap, a prat of a tutor and no results. Christ knows when i am going to finish it. Now, she has landed herself a trainee BMS job. Not just any trainee BMS job, but the trainee BMS job in Microbiology that I wanted... She hasn't strictly been offered it yet, but who are we kidding, this is Jo... of course she'll be offered it. It'll be fabulous and i will have to spend the next 12 months hearing about how much so, whilst i'm scrubbing floors in McDonald's toilets... What makes me doubly annoyed is the fact that i have never even heard about this vacancy! GH is supposed to be the liason between the hospital and the university, and yet surprise surprise, he didn't know anything about it... Its an internal vacancy at my hospital, which Jo's supervisor from her hospital somehow found out about, and told her to apply for. Since GH is so fucking useless, noone else will know about it so its pretty much in the bag for her. Of course, there's no reason why i couldn't apply for it now, but Jo would never speak to me again if i got it and she didn't. So...

I know i'm only being bitter and twisted. I hate that hospital. I wouldn't want to work there again ever. I don't even live near the place, working there would mean staying in Stoke and not being near the Boy for another God knows how many years. But there are fuck all jobs around here. A job is a job at the end of the day. Leeds apparently only take on trainee BMSs internally, which unless i'm very much mistaken means two years working as an MLA earning a pittance, sticking labels on bottles, in the hope of one ever coming up. The whole point of doing the registration portfolio during university was so i didn't sodding well have to go through all that bollocks.

#7 Roo. Roo is my other best friend. Is Roo coming to my birthday meal? No Roo is not coming to my birthday meal, despite telling me almost 4 weeks ago that she would be. No, Miss Ruth is standing me up for a trip to Edinborough with her stupid Dutch boyfriend who never spends anytime with her and tells her how fat her arse is on a regular basis. Well, the choice was clear, eh. I can't think of anything to say about that. I'm just pretty miffed.

#8 The Boy. I strongly suspect he has bought me a stuffed bear for my birthday. Fine, not the end of the world, at least he's bought me a present at all hey? But for God's Sake. I'm 22 years old, we've been going out for almost 3 years, can he not think of something more thoughtful and appropriate by now!?

#9 I had my hair cut. And i don't like it. I look like somebody's Mum.

#10 I can't really think of a 10th reason. I could moan about being 22 on Sunday, but i'm not realy that upset about being 22. I doubt it is much different from being 21. Especially when you're as boring as me.

I don't even feel better now, i just feel worse because i am so unbelievably pathetic.

I warned you.

Yawn...

I'm so tired! I am giving myself a well earned break from revision. Well, i say well earned, but perhaps if i hadn't waited until Monday night to start revising for my exam on Thursday... i wouldn't have had to work quite so flat out. Oh well.

The exam on Monday went reasonably well. The amount of work i put into it, i ought to have done brilliantly well. But i just can't tell with them being essay questions. I know i wrote at least one dumb thing- i got ataxia and agnosia mixed up and wrote that Alzheimer's sufferers show ataxia. I couldn't even know what ataxia means... though i thought it was right at the time. Anyway, i wikipedia-ed it, and, well, Alzheimer's patients really don't have ataxia. Nobface Head of Module will be marking it as well, which doesn't roll in my favour. Oh well. I'm sure i've done enough to pass, which is the main thing i suppose.

I picked my essay marks up yesterday as well. I got 68% in the Neuroscience one, which is fine, particularly since apparently we were all meant to have failed it... I got 65% in my Clinical pathology essay, which is fine as well i suppose. I'm pretty disappointed with that to be honest. When i was writing it, it sounded really good. I did a shit pile of research for it and i honestly thought it was the best thing i'd ever written, despite the incredibly dry subject matter. Plus, i just happened to notice... that someone much stupider and much less conscientious than me (and who i particularly dislike) got 75%. Which seems pretty unlikely. But i suppose that just serves me right for being nosey...

I think, the transition between second and third year is a lot steeper than i previously imagined. Without wanting to sound big-headed, in previous years i've never found it particularly difficult to do well and get firsts in essays and exams, without making any special effort. But this semester it seems as though i have been working my hardest and not coming out with anything spectacular. I'm not going to be 2:1 snob... but i suppose i'm kind of half hoping/expecting to get a first. I know the result is not the be all and end all of getting a degree, and that after i get my first job, noone will much care what degree classification i got. But it would just be nice. I'm not good at much. I'm not good at people and friends and socialising. I'm not good at sport. I'm not a particularly good daughter or girlfriend.I don't even look that good. But I am good at Academia. I can be clever and learn things and get good results. I can impress people and please my parents and feel good about myself that way. I feel like this first expected of me now, which is incredibly pressurising. Maybe i'm just not as clever as i think. Maybe i'm just being a twat. Who knows.

Last exam tomorrow anyway, which is something to look forward to. I am doing strategic revision, so i hope to God it pays off, or i am royally screwed. I'm about past caring at the moment.

Anyway, i was meant to be catching up. Being at home is lovely, but there is no real scope for private computer time. Hence the lack of blogginess. The basic gist is like so:

. I went home

. I watched a lot of TV

. I ate a lot of food (Actually, i ate a lot of junk food. Actually, i ate a lot of chocolate. My skin is being most unforgiving)

. I spent a lot of time with the boy. He spent Christmas day at mine, which was lovely

. I spent not quite enough time at home, and thus spent a lot of time feeling guilty about that

. My sisters annoyed me for various reasons

. I did a bit of revision (With emphasis on the "bit", hence the shit-creek type situation occurring currently)

. I was good and socialised, with Sarah, Beth, Sally and Caz! Four whole people!

And there you have it. Three fun packed weeks in the life of me!

Now i am back in this hole of mediocrity. Not for long however. Mwhahaha.

Yes i have been neglecting the blogosphere terribly...

And i will get round to catching up with it soon.

But for now i just need to say: njskahdalfhklagnfvkldsznvmxz,cbnfjliesahi OMGZ!!!!

In just over two hours i have to write two essays about something neurosciencey, and my brain is currently completly void of all neuroscience related knowledge. Its empty- EMPTY I TELL YOU!

Not that i'm panicking or anything...