Of course...

...on the flipside, two boyfriends, christmas= extra presents.

God help the pair of them, they both actually love me.

Bleugh.

Ten things currently of note:

1. Listing. The low stress ready made blog template for the chronically lazy.

2. Having two boyfriends makes Christmas a tad expensive.

3. I should probably stop being so complacent about this whole affair business, its not making anyone very happy.

4. There is something inherently wrong about having to entertain your boyfriend's parents, when you know you're having an affair.

5. Watching the cat trot around the living room with your bra in her mouth, after it has been discarded for some impromptu sofa sex is infinitely hilarious. If a little bit wrong.

6. The new job people don't seem interested. Sigh. I am currently rethinking my career options and considering the clinical science route.

7. Noone likes people who talk about science in their blog.

8. Noone has noticed that my hair is no longer red.

9. My NBF Louise has got a new job and is leaving. Sob.

10. I seem to be falling in love with the Boy again, which is handy.

Well

I made Daffyd cry last night.

I can't believe i actually feel guilty after all the times i've cried over him.

Sigh.

The Unforgiven

I read a rather inspiring blog by one of my very dear friends today. Despite the fact he is a loud mouthed short arse with a receding hairline, who teaches snotty kids IT for a living, it made me want to be him, quite deseperately. He has, and i quote "literally everything i've ever dreamed of". He is happy and content. He regrets nothing.

I on the otherhand seem to stuck in a personal culture of malcontent and regret. I am depressed, mostly just because i am/ have been depressed. Nothing seems to be making me happy. Even things i think i want.

Bizzarely the only thing that currently worries the most about living this mental double-life of mine is the event of me having some terrible accident and being rushed to hospital, or even dying... Which one of them would turn up? What would happen if they both turned up!?

Periodically i get this horrible sick panicky feeling washing over me, thinking "what the fuck am i going to do about this!" But mostly i am just muddling along, waiting for disaster.

I've set the deadline now anyway, not that i ever stick to them. I really ought to do this time though, since i am currently spending Christmas in about seven places...

I will probably be dumped by the time he gets home anyway, since he has taken to spying on me, checking my internet history etc.

Also i am looking for a new job, because i can.

Sigh.

Self abuse

I can't believe there are still people around who check this site with regularity, given the dire state of my update frequency recently... I'll never know why you're still interested but i suppose i should say thank you.

I also find it difficult to believe just how ridiculous my life continues to be. My depression is worse than it ever has been and i can only honestly blame myself.

I have a beautiful little end terraced house currently in the process of being made mine. I have a boy begging to move into it with me and love me until the end of time. I have my job, which is lovely and some new friends who are equally lovely. In short i have everything i ever wanted, and i'm still not happy.

I'm still not happy because amazingly i'm still letting a certain manipulative controlling, abusive someone have a hold on me and my life, under some facade of loving him and him loving me. I cannot think of a worse person to be with, a less sympathetic, understanding, supportive person, and yet still i think i'd be better off there. Because occasionally he makes me laugh. And he holds me when we go to sleep.

This is why i don't update anymore, because then i'd have to tell you how everyday i think about those pills. Maybe because thats the only way to get his attention. Maybe cos its the only way to make it stop.

Clean slate and all that.

So when i said later...

I meant much much later, clearly! I can't imagine anyone reads this anymore anyway. In fact i am contemplating deleting it, and starting again. There is so much stuff in here lately which i am quiet deeply ashamed of. Maybe a fresh start is called for.

This would involve sorting my life out however, which as is always the case with me, is much easier said than done.

In happier news, i'm the not so new girl at work now. I can do things. And i get paid. Woop.

I'm sure one day i'll get round to writing a proper update, but right now my head aches.

Zzzz....

Wow...

I haven't updated for a whole month! Whoops.

Well, i'm still alive. Thats about all i can say for now.

Life is confusing as always.

More later.

Destroy the Spineless...

I have never been particularly close to my parents, especially not my mother. The majority of my teenage years were spent as her emotional punchbag after my parents divorced, and so i have come to actually loathe her. I have never encountered any one person as petty, pathetic, hypocritical, moody and abusive as she is. Except perhaps my father... The joys of moving back home. But anyway...

So i have survived my first week in the working world. I may go so far as to say i've actually quite enjoyed it. It hasn't been fantastically interesting as i am mostly just doing MLA work for the moment and not even much of that really. It is incredibly frustrating to not even be trusted to put the right labels on the right bottles when you have spent four years studying some fairly complex science at university... But i suppose everyone has to start somewhere... Everyone seems fairly nice and there are quite a few people i can see myself getting on with really well once i settle in better. I am not loving the twelve hour days so much though. I am leaving the house at 6.45 every morning and not getting home until around 7 at night. Its not as tiring as i thought it would be, i seem to have got into a routine already, but i can imagaine after a few weeks it will feel like i am always at work. But for the moment, all is well.

Daffyd is on his way upto visit as i speak. Though it'll be nice to see him, i wish to god he wasn't coming. I'm terrified he will bump into The Boy in which case one of them will end up in hospital and the other one in prison... Sigh. Always so much stress.

Daffyd has very pretty blue eyes, however i think i have finally made up my mind and am preparing my leaving speech.

Eeek.

Loose Women

Well i am back from my Keele adventures, for good this time. I went back down on Friday to pick up my results- i got a first- oh yes! I'm actually not that excited about that... it probably sounds big headed but i pretty much already what it was going to be. Still it is always nice to have it be official. So now i am a first class Applied Biomedical Science graduate :)

On Friday night Dave and I went out for a meal with Roo and Rob to celebrate, which was a lot more pleasant than i was expecting. It made things with Dave seem much more official, since we are now apparently accepted as a couple. After food, Roo and I went to the cinema to see the Sex and the City film (which incidentally is hilarious if a little cliched...) while the boys went into town to watch some football. Saturday Dave and Roo had the Castle end of season barbeque, which i gatecrashed despite being a Keele player. The rest of the week has been spent mostly just dossing around doing nothing in particular.

And now i'm home again, which is a bit dull really.

Things with Dave are strange. I still don't really know where its all going. Things are periodically lovely, and then awful and i struggle to work out if he is genuinely being an arsehole or if i just can't cope with different-ness of it all. I feel as though i am having to hold back from him slightly sometimes. I don't know how much of the problem is to do with my state of mind. I have unleashed a fair few episodes of hysterical depressive crap on him recently and so to be fair i am lucky he hasn't gone running for the hills... Sometimes i think it just isn't going to work, it shouldn't be this difficult this early in, and that i should end it. But then i look at him and his lovely blue eyes and his occasional flashes of sweetness and affection....

I miss The Boy terribly, which probably isn't helping either.

I am still being "anonymously" abused via David's blog, which makes me so angry i can bearly even see straight. How can these people be so pathetic and so bloody self righteous at the same time! Ele claims to be far happier now than she ever was, as does Dave, so what's the problem? Three months is plenty of time to wallow and while i was originally guilty, sorry blah blah whatever, now i just beginning to lose sympathy with them all, they need to get over it. We came clean, did the right thing, and now we are trying to make the best of a bad situation, and they should do the same. I wouldn't mind, but its not even any of their sodding business- they have no idea what went on! They have no idea who i am or what i'm like, yet still feel they need to judge me for it! I know i shouldn't be letting it get to me, but well, i'm not very good at it. Am i going to be harassed about this for the rest of my life!?

Oh how i wish none of this had ever happened. I would like my old life back please.

Anyway.

Work on Monday, and i am suitably terrified. Noone is going to like me, i'm not going to be able to do the work, i hate being the new person... blah blah usual neuroses. People keep sending me forms to fill in and documents to find and its so overwhelming. I am feeling generally overwhelmed by the whole of adult life at the moment. How am i going to hold down a full time job? How am i going to cope!? I tried to look for a flat the other day and just ended up being overwhelmed (again) by the number of estate agents and properties and... argh. I wish i could just make someone do it for me. Or failing that, stay in bed for the rest of my life...

I think a re-emergence of the crazy pills may be on the cards.

Yawn...

I'm pretty sure i have about 25 other posts with this title, but at the moment i can't really be bothereed thinking of a more imaginative one. So tough.

I have only been at home for 2 and a half days and i'm already fantastically bored. Daffyd drove me home on Thursday with all my worldly possessions, and was well received by the family, which is always good. We drove back to Keele the same night in order to attend the Bristol tournament this weekend. Which was pleasant enough. KUKC came 4th! Out of 22! Not last! Fucking Christ knows how we managed that, there were some fierce competitors but hey, its a nice end to our season. It always amuses me when good teams lose to Keele. They get so very cross. Castle came third from last, so they were all a little grumpy... The social in the evening was rubbish, and the tent sleeping was worse. But all in all, not a terrible way to spend the weekend. Sunday was spent back in Keele again with Daffyd, and then Monday i came home. Tomorrow i am going back to Keele again to pick up my results and play some more- i can't wait!

I am starting work on the 23rd of June which is terrifically scary.

I can't really be bothered to elaborate more than this... bit of a pointless post really...

Some people just have no sense of irony....

Daffyd blogs. Its is chronically dull and he is not a very inspiring writer, but thats besides the point. I would give you the link but i don't particularly want him to read my blog, being the honesty pit that it is.

Anyway, recently a couple of "anonymous" commenters have been slagging him off on this blog. Without even getting into the bizarreness of the fact that these people who supposedly don't like him, taking time out of their day to read and then comment these blogs, i find it just a little bit tragic that these people are so pathetic that they don't even leave their name to these insults...

...That is of little consequence anyway, as with a decent bit of stat-counter stalking, people are easily identified...

As non other than two of his ex-girlfriends...

Now, Ele, i can understand. She has been the loser in all of this, and bitterness is only to be expected. The other one however is beyond me... she appears to be slagging him off for cheating on Ele, when strangely enough, she split up with Daffyd after she cheated on him... Hypocritical no?

What makes it even more hilarious is that when these comments are replied to, both Ele and the other ex comment (leaving their names this time), all faux shock and incredulity at being accused... despite the quite, um, blatant evidence that it was them.

Ele now fills her blog with a load of self indulgent shite about being accused of abusing Daffyd, and how in fact it was her being bullyed all these years... not being allowed to wear what she wants or see her friends... boo fucking hoo.

I should feel sorry for her, i know i should. She quite blatantly is still in love with him, or she wouldnt be wasting her time and effort on this. But part of me wants to give her a slap and tell her to get a fucking life. Men only treat you how you let them treat you. And i'm glad to say, if any man told me to go upstairs and get changed after seeing my outfit. i'd tell him to shut the fuck up or get the fuck out.

And if he was such an awful boyfriend anyway, then why the big issue? Why not just be thankful you're out of it and get on with life. Feel sorry for the feeble female he is abusing now. SHE HAS A NEW FUCKING BOYFRIEND ANYWAY!

No, empathy and tolerance are not strong points of mine.

Of course it worries me that a selection of people seem to think Daffyd is the biggest, most arrogant controlling arsehole bastard on the planet. But for now he has done little to make me doubt him. The initial shite was shite, but that was hardly a real life situation, and besides, i got myself into that one. Since things have been official, as it were, he has been the model of boyfriendliness. So for now, i shall give him the benefit of the doubt.

Faster the Chase

Life has been moving along at a rather leisurely pace since university finished. I have spent my time eating, sleeping, reading non-university prescribed texts (woohoo!), watching Heroes and snuggling up to Daffyd.

Last Saturday was Korf PVP (past vs. present), where a selection of old players came up to uni for a game and whole lot of drinking. I forget who won the match now, no one takes it particularly seriously, I think it was probably the past team though... Sunday there was a mini tournament type thing organised by Castle, which suffered slightly from lack of people to make up teams, and so ended up just being a 3 hour game of korfball… which was a tad tiring! Maz came and crashed on my floor for the weekend, which was cool having not seen her for a long while. Though she does consistently make me wonder how she survives in the real world…

I certainly suffered after my sporty weekend, having not trained for a few weeks!

This weekend was the infamous Castle Tournament. Dave and I got up at 7 on Saturday morning to pack up all the camping and korfing gear, pick up a couple of other korfers from their respective houses and toddle off to the rugby club, arriving at 8. We then spent 2 hours helping to set up, building gazebos, marking out pitches, making sandwiches etc… Thus followed about 8 hours of solid korfing and trying valiantly not to fall over on the Astroturf pitches (read: glorified sand paper), with some intermittent water drinking and sun cream application. The weather was absolutely glorious, despite a pretty unspectacular couple of weeks. As pathetic as my skin is, I was burning through my t-shirt in the 8am sun, so I spent most of the day obsessively slathering on factor 30. As a consequence, I think I am actually whiter now than I was to begin with… ace. In true KUKC style, we came last, managing to be beaten even by the team which was only assembled at Christmas… which I helped to train…

The social in the evening was a good laugh, with a performance from Tom’s band and lots of general drinking and dancing-ness. We crashed out in our tents at about 1am… to be woken at about 5 by a rather impressive car boot sale set up about 100 feet from our tents. Most of us were up by 7, stood outside the tents looking bleary eyed and sunburnt; and making fun of the car boot sale goers and the drunken antics of the previous night. Dave and I packed up and were home for about 9 to go back to bed for a couple of hours. We spent the rest of the day eating, unpacking, eating, generally tarting about and eating…

Dave is in school next week on placement, so I am going to have to amuse myself for a lot of the time. We have spent pretty much the last fortnight together constantly… and in all honesty it has been lovely. At the risk of speaking to soon, things seem to be going really well. I told him I loved him on Saturday night, in our tent, because, well, I do. In my own way, which I suppose will be difficult to understand. His response? “About bloody time, I’ve properly loved you for ages!”

Oh.

I am still getting used to this different kind of relationship- trying to be less clingy and demanding and selfish and unreasonable, not being able to get away with it anymore. Dave is much less tolerant and indulgent of me. He doesn’t worship the very ground I walk on. There is no pedestal for me to sit on here! It’s a little difficult and I don’t altogether like it, but perhaps it will make me a better person in the end? I don’t know. For the most part, there are no issues, and things are just Lovely.

I am dreading the time when I have to go home and be alone. When I am most likely going to realise the enormity of the change, the loss of The Boy shaped comfort blanket, the utter dreadfulness of my recent behaviour, the immersion of myself into another ridiculous long distance relationship which may not even work out because Dave can be an arse sometimes (conveniently forgetting that this is true of all men…) and I am most probably on the rebound anyway… But for now I choose not to face up any of this.

Dave is taking me home on Friday night… which is going to be excellent to explain to my mother… Then we maybe off to Bristol for another Korfy tournament, though I haven’t decided if I really want to go yet. I am of the tendency to wallow, at the moment and tournaments mean effort, even if it is fun in the end.

Plus I have NO money, and a million things to pay for, which is a bit of a bum.

That is all.

Comfortably numb

Well, i got the job. Christ knows how, i'm certainly not the greatest interviewee ever. But whatever. I am now a trainee immunologist! 60 people applied for that job. 60! They interviewed about 20 i think. And they gave it to me. Me me meeee. Mwhahaha.

The lab itself is really big and specialised. A world away from the one in Stoke. Seems kind of quiet and serious though and the workforce is leaning towards the aged... not sure how well i will fit in, but hopefully it shouldn't be too bad. Its a step in the right direction, if nothing else.

The lab manager thinks i am still at uni (which i suppose technically i am...), so i have a month or so off to doss around now before i can start work. They have references and CRB checks to sort out though, so i don't feel too guilty about it.

I feel far too grown up.

This weekend i went down to London with The Boy and his awful, arrogant, crack snorting, binge drinking bands. The gig was good, but the company was strained so all in all not the best day. And the 14 hours travelling... not so good either. I detest travelling.

I have spent most of the weekend itching to get back to Daffyd. But now it comes to it i desperately miss The Boy.

We all know Facebastard rules the world, and The Boy's "relationship status" is now set as "single" which i guess makes things official.

I would like my old life back please.

Summer is 'ere...

Wow so I have been pretty lax with my updating again… Not that anyone much cares, I suspect!

I have had a really lovely couple of days. After spending a week at home recovering from the post exam dissertation slog, I came back to uni for Joey’s birthday outing this Friday as promised. I have to admit I wasn’t much looking forward to going, but I ended up having an ace time. I was once again shamed for my frequent episodes of Jo related bitterness by Jo’s boyfriend Dave, who thanked me drunkenly and profusely for coming out, telling me “everyday I hear something about you Rach, I’m so glad she’s got you”.

Bless.

Woke up on Saturday morning feeling massively hungover and spent most of the day tarting around doing nothing in particular. The weather has been glorious for the past week or so, so on Saturday night Dave and Alex built the barbeque in a manly fashion and me, Katie and the majority of the residents of the PGCE block spent the evening eating burgers, drinking alcohol, playing football and just generally enjoying the nice weather. Oh, and talking about being teachers…. (not me and Katie though….)

On Sunday, Dave woke me up at some ungodly hour and we prepared food to go on a picnic. We spent the day at Trentham Gardens, eating, lounging around sunbathing, people watching etc. We had a really lovely time together. Shockingly.

I now have some rather fetching sunburn. Red and white and stripey, it’s a good look.

Monday was another impromptu barbeque, this time with Roo in attendance and yesterday Dave and I spent together doing nothing in particular again….

Anyway. I have now officially finished university. I successfully managed to write my dissertation and some other awful biochemistry literature review thing in five days, so as of the first of May 2008, everything was done and handed in. Finito. Woop. What an immense feeling of relief that was. Though naturally, me being me, the exuberance wore off very quickly, once I got bored of having nothing to do.

So now I have to join the real world. Which is upsetting to say the least. I have a job interview next Friday for an immunology post at a hospital not too far from home. Immunology isn’t microbiology, but it’s always been a toss up between the two disciplines to be fair. I would really really really like this job. So fingers crossed.

In less sensible news, I have no idea who my boyfriend is, and it seems unlikely that I ever will. The Boy and I have been apart for about six seven eight weeks… I don’t even know. Daffyd and I have been “seeing” each other pretty much the whole time since then. Things were a little rough at first and seemed much more difficult than they should have been. I at one point came to the conclusion that things weren’t going to work with him and was going to finish it. But in hindsight, it was a stressful time of exams and work and breaking up with people and rumours and gossiping and… yeah. Whatever. Things started being nice again, I was too much of a chicken to end things and so… it would appear we’re “in a relationship” as Facebastard would say. The thing is, The Boy is still desperate to try things again. I’m in two minds. When things were horrible with Daffyd, the temptation to go running back was immense. I would ring him and we would chat and it’d be nice. Whilst at home last week I spent a little time with him. Things were easy and comfortable and do-able, I suppose. But it doesn’t feel the same. I am terrified by the prospect of not loving him anymore.

There is only one actual solution to this problem, and that is to have neither of them. I am never going to decide who I want and it’s not even fair that I should be allowed to. I always want the one I’m not with and as a consequence am constantly flitting backwards and forwards between them, forming no meaningful commitment to either of them. Everytime I have a nice day with one, I decide upon them… until the next time I have a nice day with the other one… I have possibly managed to build myself the “perfect relationship”. The conversation, laughter and convenience of The Boy, and the sex, excitement and alternate convenience of Daffyd. Of course, if I truly liked either of them, I wouldn’t be able to behave this way, would I?

But being single is not an attractive option. In my head it is a fabulous meld of Sex and The City and Bridget Jones- all expensive shoes and drinking too much wine. But the harsh reality is that I have no friends, no job, no money, nowhere to live and family that annoy me. So…

Am tempted to give things a try with The Boy again. Three years is a long time and its not like I will have lost anything through trying (except Daffyd… but then is he really likely to be a forever thing anyway…?). If only I could make myself feel the way I felt about him just a few months ago. But then I have lovely days with Dave, and I think “this could work, it really could”

That is all.

Day whatever

So my updating has been lax. I have been overwhelmed by other things.

I have finished my finals now which is one thing. They went with varying degrees of success. Now i have five days to write my dissertation. Which makes my brain go all wiggley if i think about it too much, so i won't.

I'm simply overwhelmed with congratualtions and support from all my so-called friends today.

I really do feel incredibly bad.

Day Three... Is it day 3? I can't even remember...

So my mind is beginning to unravel slowly. Well i say slowly. I don't know the exact time course of these things. But my head, anyway, its not well.

Yesterday afternoon, around lunchtime, i managed to convince myself fairly successfully, that the logical solution to the whole problem would just be to kill myself. Cue a long internal debate about exactly how painful it would be to slit ones wrists- though why i was thinking that i don't know- i am an immense pain wimp and so any suicidal activity would almost certainly involve taking an overdose. But that seemed less messy and dramatic and tragic and whatever... The semi-logical part of my brain argued however, that after 4 fucking years slog at this degree, i would not be wanting to throw it down the pan 4 weeks before finishing. I would have to do my exams first. But then part of the problem is the sheer volume of knowledge i am having to squash into my brain currently and once exams are over that problem will cease to be in existence thus removing some necessity of the suicidal act anyway...

Then i had a cup of tea and a sit down.

Joey came round last night and beat me senseless for not telling her about splitting up with The Boy before. And she listened to the saga in a typical non-judgemental and blunt Joey way. I was reminded of the reasons i love her so much and shamed for my previous bitterness towards her. In many ways, she is much more like me than Ruth and Katie, and i like her much better for it. We established that i need to make a decision, and stick to it. Which of course i already knew. She seems much more pro-Daffyd than others, for reasons i am not sure of.

Then my man free week disintegrated entirely when Daffyd got back from a Tom's band gig and invited himself round to "see how i was". I resisted for about 30 seconds... but i figured i was feeling better after seeing Joey, so wouldn't be doing much thinking anyway. So he came round and we chatted and snuggled up for a bit, and then he left. AND THEN... i called The Boy... because an "unknown number" had been calling me all evening and it was quite blatantly him, so i thought i'd check he hadn't topped himself or anything. He hadn't. We had a minor chat, despite both of us saying we really shouldn't be talking to each other... He cried a little but otherwise seemed fairly reasonable. I felt guilty. But i didn't miss him. I didn't feel overwhelmed with affection. In fact talking to him reminded me slightly of the way i used to feel about my now Ex-ex boyfriend (who incidentally i have been Facebook stalking recently...) when we split up and he would whine down the phone at me for about 6 months afterwards... But not entirely. I do still love him after all.

Today Ruth was back for a while and so i spent most of the afternoon with her and Katie and periodically Alex. I had a laugh and forgot about things for a while, which was nice.

I may then have spent most of the afternoon flirting with Daffyd via Facebook, which isn't entirely in keeping with the spirit of the week either. He is cooking me dinner tomorrow. Which i will feel ferociously guilty about for a number of reasons: mainly the fact that it is (was) my 3 year anniversary with The Boy. But then i am single now. But... whatever...

I'm really not doing myself any favours...

Sigh.

Home time i think.

Day Two

So...

Last night i missed The Boy. Painfully.

Today Daffyd has messaged me and i want to see him. Though i am not going to let myself.

The Boy is ignoring my messages. Which is fair enough, i deserve it i suppose. It is (would have been?) our 3 year anniversary on Thursday.

I feel so pressured.

I am going home to make myself a cup of coffee.

Male Free Week

Day One:

Mood: Confused, tearful, moany...

Nausea Status: High

Boy Contact: Some minor MSNing...

Revision: AMI and breast cancer cases written up

Revision actually absorbed into brain: None....

Vancomycin resistant enterococci, anyone?

I don't really have anything interesting to say, as usual. But i am shattered and bored of writing out essays to learn.

Yesterday was a fairly surreal day. I can't get used to this new partner business, which is in essence what it is. Daffyd and I went into town for a bit, had some lunch, bought a suit (not me...). Went out for dinner in the evening with Alex and a couple of PGCE girls who i've never met before. They were pretty awful... but it was a laugh nonetheless. Chatted to Alex mostly. He's so funny, i love him to pieces. You can't take him anywhere though. I'm pretty sure the waitress spat in our dinner...

Spent the rest of the day dossing around. Had what i suppose can only be described as a "tiff" with Daffyd. Not even worthy of being called an argument. Just a level of cross-ness. He keeps telling me its normal, i am used to one way of doing things and he is used to another, hence when our ways clash, we need time to adjust to it. Which makes sense i suppose. I just feel a little too fragile to be dealing with having him annoyed with me as well right now. So i went home.

First instinct upon going home and crying hysterically was to ring The Boy and demand affection and attention and sympathy etc. But i restrained myself. It wouldn't be fair on him. It would be pathetic. And getting into the habit of running back to him everytime something goes wrong in a new situation is just not a recipe for success. I rang Daffyd in the end and he came back round. I had a big long cry and a chat, got a few things off my chest and i feel a little better now. Didn't get to sleep until about 4.30am, hence the tiredness.

But I think i still miss the Boy. I don't know.

Daffyd is off playing korfball today. I probably should have gone to watch but i couldn't be arsed. Whoever wins today has won the league, so am pretty sure i will be hearing all about it later.

That's all for now.

An update

So i haven't updated in a while. A partial combination of business and just general apathy. Now however, i have finals to revise for and so conveniently my desire to blog has been reignited.

Thursday 20th of March was my last ever day of lectures. Which i'm sure i would feel sad about, if i were to think hard enough about it. Now i am currently embroiled in revising for my finals which are in two and half weeks time (and of course my usual petty emotional drama, which i will come to in a minute) and feeling guilty about not having started my dissertation. Thankfully i have a week after exams in which to write it. Its fair to say however, that i'm more than a little stressed.

For continuity's sake i will carry on the story of my relationship disturbance from where i left off last time. Though a fair few things have happened since then.

I told Ruth about my affair with Daffyd. She was unexpectedly fine about it (though is most likely just well concealing her disgust with me, she has very high moral standards). She came to the same conclusion as Katie. That Dave was a bastard, i had been used and manipulated and that i needed to tell The Boy. I still had my misgivings. Mostly due to the fact that Dave was never going to tell Ele, and so i stood to lose everything and him nothing. Which is malicious and pathetic, but well, that's just me. Despite these misgivings, i decided that i would tell The Boy. It was the right thing to do after all.

The day i was due to leave for home, Daffyd told me he wanted to see me before i left. Having managed to successfully ignore him for more than a week, this was unexpected. But i went to see him. And he told me that he had left Ele. Having spent the past week trying to push him out of my head, this news was received with slight confusion. I told him i was planning to tell The Boy about the cheating whilst at home. He asked me where that would leave "us", and i told him i didn't know. Which was the truth.

Silly as it sounds, i was a little annoyed at him for upping and leaving Ele out of the blue. I had spent the week agonising about telling The Boy, and had come to the conclusion of doing it with no reference to Daffyd. Now it was going to look as though i had done it just for him. Which i can assure you all now was not the plan at all.

So i went home with good intentions. The foil in my plan however was that i actually enjoyed spending time with The Boy. He was lovely. We went out, we chatted and laughed and snuggled and even had sex. Things were perfect, just like they always had been. I adored him. And there was no way i could tell this man that i had betrayed him. Because it would destroy him. And i didn't want that. I wanted to be with him. And i knew that i could manage perfectly well to never tell him, if i had to. Becuase i am deceitful like that. So while spending the week in pretence of "i'll tell him tomorrow... i'll tell him tomorrow...". i knew in the back of my mind, that i wasn't going to. And that was fine by me. Dave was in my head a little. But it was nothing serious. I knew i could get rid of it in time.

The day before coming back to university, Dave asked me if i had told The Boy yet. I was forced to admit that i had spent the whole week chickening out. It was then that he told me outright, that he had left Ele for me, in the hope that he wouldn't be the only one single come the end of the week. I had suspected this. But not assumed. He didn't love her after all. Regardless of me. But no, he told me he had changed his mind again, and in order to prove the permanence of his decision to me, he had left her. Rather inconvenient timing, given my recent decision to make things work with The Boy. So now i felt guilty. But nevertheless, resolved to sort things out once i got back to uni. I could explain to Daffyd. It would be fine.

Except i get back to university and Daffyd is there and wants to take me out for dinner and spend evenings with me and cuddle me and kiss me and apparently i want to let him... So despite the shittiness of it all, i come to the conclusion that i am in fact incapable of controlling myself which isn't fair on The Boy and so i phone to tell him i am leaving him.

He doesn't take it well. But as others have said to me, deep down, he already knew. He doesn't want to leave me. He wants to stay together and work things out. And while i want that too, i know i am stuck at university with Dave for another 3 weeks, and i know i won't be able to stay away from him in that time. So i have to force the point. I am leaving you. Which is difficult, when it isn't really what i want.

So now i am single. Except i'm not really. Daffyd is sweetly happy that i have left The Boy. He wants to see me all the time. He holds me and kisses me and takes me out and we sleep together. And he tells me how beautiful i am and how he is happier than he has been for a long time. And how he can't wait for the day when we can be together properly. We are taking it slowly, casually for now. Apparently.

The Boy knows nothing of this. He is desperate for me to come home so we can sort things out. And perhaps i would, if it weren't for my finals. I will never work for them at home and so i am forcing myself to stay here. And the way things are going with Daffyd now, i clearly don't want to sort things out that much.

I don't know who or what i want now or where to turn for the answer. No matter what i chose, someone is now going to get very hurt, because of me. I am so overwhelmed by guilt.

I am starting to miss The Boy a little. I don't know if its genuine or if its loss of the comfort blanket effect. The same as i dont know if the surge of affection i felt for him during that week home was just a clinging mechanism, in the face of losing him imminently. If i loved him so much, i'm sure i wouldn't be fucking Dave quite so frequently.

The Boy managed to track down Ele, like i knew he would. They have been chatting to each other a lot, swapping tales of mal-intent and most likely just making each other feel worse. The general conscensus of their chats is that Dave is a manipulative bastard. The Boy is determined to believe/ prove to me that Dave has powers of mind control and has been out ot snare me from the very beginning. I of course, have been to weak minded and feeble to resist.

Dave is just there. He wants me, and is prepared to wait for a time when he can fully have me. And if the emotion he expresses towards me is just manipulation and using, i would be very surprised, despite what everyone wants me to think.
I have no idea how i would tell him that i had changed my mind and was going back to the Boy. And part of me doesn't want to. Another part of me thinks that any emotional trauma he suffered might serve him right, after the was he initially treated me.

I am inclined to think that by leaving The Boy and sleeping with D, i have already made the decision. I shouldn't be allowed to turn around on it, even though the opportunity has been provided to me. If and when it turns out to be the wrong one, it will serve me right.

I think i am going to spend the week on my own next week. No males of any variety. Perhaps that will make the decision for me.

I might get round to revising for my finals sometime soon.