Sob...

Am feeling all abandoned and alone. Boy has just left after a far too short weekend, Katie is at home and Roo is with Rob and not replying to me texts, as usual...

The weekend has been fun. Friday i had a Korf match against Castle 3, which we lost, of course... But i got Girl Of the Match! Woohoo! It probably helped that my best friend was ref-ing, but whatever...

Korf Quote of the week: (to my attacker, from the Castle 3 captain) "NO, she's too fast for that!"

Ha, as if!

After the match, Boy arrived, which is always lovely. We finished the conversation i regretfully started. I'm not sure i'm happy about the answer yet, but we'll see.

Saturday night was the Eris gig at The Rigger. Muchos fun; although Roo didn't turn up in the end, predictably, and Ann didn't seem to enjoy herself very much at all. Me and Katie had fun though! I was far too drunk. I woke up with a full face of make-up on this morning, which is always a good indicator...

Rory and Emma stayed over last night after the gig in a Holiday-Inn type place, so we all met up again this afternoon for Sunday lunch in the pub. Even though we ended up in Wetherspoons, it was surprisingly tasty.

Then The Boy had to leave. I realise that i probably only seem to use this diary to moan about missing him... but... i really do miss him already! It seems to get harder everytime i have to leave him. I am so over this long distance bollocks.

Sex was difficult this weekend. Am considering visiting the doctors, even though its more like a mental institute i need.

I should be finishing my essays etc, but i really can't be arsed doing anything other than feel sorry for myself at the moment.

Euch...

Kettle Chips really don't agree with me...

Which is interesting because i can eat normal crisps just fine. And Kettle Chips are meant to be all wholesome and lovely.

Apparently my body is ok with genetically modified, chemically sprayed crap...

Phew...

You'll be glad to know i'm no longer being 15. Today i have put on 3 coats of mascara and straightened my hair, and now all is right with the world.

Incidentally, i spent thirteen quid on Urban Decay Big Fatty mascara the other weekend, as my MAC one has run out, and i must say; I Am Not That Impressed. My eyelashes are still distinctly anorexic, and its a bitch to put on. Tres annoying.

I have started a conversation with The Boy which i am distinctly beginning to regret. Its not often that he acts as though he is insecure. He is definitely the most confident and outgoing person i've ever met. And he always seems rather sure of himself. But i think i might have started something... whoopsy...

Its sleazy Mike's birthday tonight and so we are going out for a few beverages. I'm not particularly looking forward to it. I don't really know any of Mike's friends apart from the Korfers, so i have a feeling its going to be a little dull. Plus Mike's girlfriend Trudi is coming, and she is one of those girlfriends who gets twitchy if anything with a vagina so much as breathes near her boyfriend... And she's ignorant to boot. Though how someone with a name like Trudi can feel superior to anyone is a mystery to me...

Anyway. Should be essaying.

OMGZ

This is going to be an incredibly self indulgent, adolescent post, and therefore i strongly advise you to stop reading now.

I hate my face
I hate my hair
I hate my body
I hate my clothes
I hate my ignorant so-called friends
I hate the fact that certain people think i'm some kind of social retard
I hate Keele
I hate long distance relationships
I hate the fact that my brain doesn't work properly
I hate being bored

Sleeeepy...

I'm so unbelievably tired today, i just can't motivate myself to do anything. Am contemplating going back to bed, but that would be a bit naughty...

Home was lovely, but then i had to come back here which was a tad depressing. I think Fake-Cough has actually just moved in now, for fucks sake.

The Korf Regionals were on Saturday. We came last! Gill acted appaulingly, i can't even begin to describe how ridiculously immature she was about the whole thing- there was confrontation... it wasn't good. Tempers were a little frayed on account of the 5am start and the getting lost trying to find Leeds University Sports centre and the having our asses kicked in Every Single Match. We spent a good part of the morning screaming at each other, but by the afternoon everyone chilled out a bit, accepted the fact that we never stood a chance of winning, and just had a laugh.

The whole day was made all the more irritating, due to the fact that The Boy was in London with Karlos, and i wasn't. Hmph.

Last night me, Gill, Becca, Roo, Rob and Katie went to see Ollie's play at the union. Ollie is one of the Fresher's from Korfball. He's a bit shy and retiring, a bit nerdy, sheltered... He is however, unebelievably dedicated to the club. Whenever we ask him to tournaments, matches, socials, whatever, he always turns up. He is also in the drama society, hence the play. I felt like we owed him a favour, he has been going on about this play for months, and so I spent most of yesterday bullying people in coming to see it. The play is called "Brothers", and is about two brothers (surprisingly) who work for a London Kingpin importing cocaine from Columbia, and i was actually pleasantly surprised. I was prepared to be bored to tears for two hours, but it was quite engaging. A bit violent. But good nonetheless. Ollie played a very un-Ollie-ish character, which was most amusing.

After the play Katie and i met Ann for hot chocolate. Whenever i see Ann i instantly feel guilty for neglecting her, because she actually is incredibly funny and sweet. We do always seem to end up talking about NiceDave though, which slightly disturbs me... We had a good old bitch about NightLine, who are apparently treating everyone like shit, so its not just me. Always good to know. I actually e-mailed to quit a couple of weeks ago, since it had been almost 8 weeks or something ridiculous since i was "suspended", but they had not actually bothered to do anything to resolve the situation. Noone has had the decency to reply to me so far. Which only serves to prove my point really. If they can't be arsed to deal with me, then i can't be arsed to work for them anymore.

Other than that, i spent most of my time working really. After my extended trip home, i was consumed by nervous guilt and so have been determined to be a productive little me ever since. I have finshed my Neuroscience essay and am midway through my Clinical Pathology essay, which is a much more nitty-gritty little detaily science essay, and so is rather dull. But still, nearly done! Then i'm going to start doing some background reading, since i have done none at all this semester, and i'm sure Roo was doing loads this time last year... whoopsy.

I am currently stuck in the middle of a Ruth and Katie snipe-fest, which is slightly disconcerting. They are fine around each other, but when i am alone with either of them, i have to listen to them gripe about each other for hours on end... They both say exactly the same things about each other half the time, which is pretty funny. They are definitely suffering from each-other-overload. They really do spend a ridiculous amount of time with each other. Katie has never really made any friends since coming back to Keele, combined with the fact that she only has lectures one day a week, and so needs to be entertained constantly- she clings to Roo. She also steals Roo's friends rather than make her own. A recipe for Katie-overload. Eeek.

I saw M last night in the Union. More to the point, he saw me. Not that he acknowledged me in any way, shape or form. He must have walked past me about 6 times, i kid you not, and everytime he just totally blanked me. Yet he is more than happy to speak to me over Facebook or MSN or whatever. I have been trying to pin him down for a coffee or something for ages. I am trying to be mature, and to resolve what was once a decent friendship. But he never gets back to me. I'm not going to pester him, i know he's a busy man, and i do have some pride. But its not like we live miles from each other. If he made some fucking effort. But he acts as though i am some sort of social pariah. Well you know what Matt? I'm fucking not! So fuck you! I don't care anymore. I'm through with trying to be nice. If he doesn't care, then neither do i.

(On some levels, i think i might be relieved. If i don't have to look at him, then theres no way i can start being attracted to him again. Though why i would ever have been is anyones guess- what is wrong with me!!!??!)

I will tell the whole story one day, when i get round to it. Honest.

Anyway. I'm going to be predictable and say- i don't want to go to the hospital tomorrow.

Teflon Coated Bastard...

I spilt a glass of water on my laptop last night... *cue screaming*

It still works though, thank fuck. I hastily removed it from the puddle, turned it upside down (to stop the water seeping into the mother board) and dried it with a towel. Later i put the hair dryer on it (on the cool setting, don't worry). AND NOW IT WORKS! I am a technological genuis. Or not, since this is the second piece of expensive electrical equipment i have dropped water on in less than a year...

Boy is threatening to have everything in our house shrink wrapped... He thinks he's so funny.

Hehe.

Right, m'off to get ready now, i'm going home! Yay!

Explosion imminent!

It seems like ages since i updated. Even though it really isn't that long. But anyway.

There are lots of crazy things going on in my head at the moment. I have been incredibly stressed this week. Mostly about Korfball, and the associated human beings. Which is ridiculous as its supposed to be a hobby, stress reliever, etc. I am going home tomorrow. I would have been going home tonight, but i have training, and since regionals is next weekend i didn't think missing it would go down too well. Even though i very much doubt two hours is going to significantly improve my game play. Its just easier to go.

Fake-cough has been staying over all fucking week. She's driving me up the wall. I actually cannot stand her. That whining fucking voice just makes me want to scream. My blood pressure must be through the roof.

This hatred of all people Korfball does not bode well for regionals, when i am going to have to spend a whole day and night in their company. I'm dreading it, i really am. Can't believe i have given up a weekend living it up in London with Wayne for Karl's birthday for it. To be fair i can't afford London, but meh.

On Tuesday i went into the hospital to do my study, and predictably, there were no samples again. One of my supervisors was nowhere to be found, and the other one apparently wasn't in as he has been on call the night before. Nice to be kept informed... So i left a snotty note on his desk and stormed out at eleven. Spent the rest of the day dossing around. As much as i like having Tuesdays off, it really is getting beyond a joke now. I'm supposed to have completed the practical work by Christmas, and i don't want it hanging over my head come February, when i have a million other things occupying my stress centre... GAH. I am giving myself the day off next Tuesday. I have scheduled some illness. So they can all go and fuck themselves. Hopefully by the time i do go back in, there might be a backlog, and i will be able to spend a whole day testing.

I have finished my neuroscience essay- woot!

The Boy's step-sister is pregnant, so soon i will be a step-aunty- in law... type thing. Woot! She is only twenty four and not yet married or fully qualified in whatever it is that she does, so its clearly not a planned baby. Boy and I will be able to feel smug about that at least. Boy is treated as a second class citizen as far as his Father and Step mother are concerned. Her children can do no wrong, and she frequently enjoys rubbing their "success" in Boy's face. Though to be fair, if a house on a council estate, a job fitting alarms, and an unplanned pregnancy aged twenty four are classed as success nowadays, then i think i'll stick with my second class citizen-ship, thank you very much. Oooh i'm a snob. I really do hate Boy's Step mother and her kids. They're so fucking arrogant, with no grounds for it really. And thats the worst kind of arrogance.

My broodiness has gone into overdrive now (as if it wasn't bad enough already). I don't know why, but i have been incredibly pre-occupied with pregnancy lately. I don't want children as such. I just want to be pregnant, and to have a baby. The impracticalities of having a child now are perfectly clear to me, and i know i don't really want a baby. I know that being pregnant is going to be perfectly hideous. But i have this romanticised vision in my head, where i am carrying Boy's child, and he is loving and adoring and its just generally sickening and lovely. I think its probably just an attention thing. Everyone loves a pregnant woman don't they. Is it normal to be so broody? I think about getting married a lot too. I can't wait to get married. I think that is less psychotic though. I do have a partner who i love, and marriage isn't quite such a drastic thing.

I have this "life anxiety" almost. I know i should be enjoying my youth, having a life. But the truth is, i'm not that good at having a life. I'm constantly worrying about what i should be doing next. Marriage isn't an essential part of life, and nor i suppose is having babies. But i seem to have some sort of mental time-table in which these tasks are included. I need to be married before i can have the babies. And i need to start making babies, before its too late. In case we have difficulties. I've always had this feeling that i'm infertile. I don't know why. Probably just another avenue in which my constant need for self pity can lie. And thats where the anxiety sits. Its no way to enjoy life, constantly worrying about the next thing on the "to do list" I have a loving partner. I should be secure in the knowledge that one day these things will happen. Because there's no reason why they shouldn't...

Good God i am a first class mentalist.

If Boy ever got to read this thing he would probably dump me and run away to Cuba or something...

Anyway.

I can't wait to go home and see him. I am so incredibly stressed and grumpy that an enormous cuddle is in order. Also, Mum is taking us out to RC2 for dinner on Saturday. The prospect of consuming my own body weight in curry and wine is a particularly nice one.

That is all.

6-5 to Castle...

Yep so we lost. No big surprise. Castle are a far more experienced side than us. It is a little depressing that every team in the league sees beating us as merely a formality though...

I'm rapidly getting tired of all the attitude and bitchiness in the Keele squad. Ok, so i don't take criticism well, not even of the constructive variety, thats just the way i am. But at least from Jon the coach, its meant well. The constant sniping from my so called club captain is a little wearing however. First our division is being bitched at for not setting up the shots in attack. Our division is consisting of me, Ollie, Phil and Charlie. Ollie is new, so noone really expects him to do anything. Charlie is just rubbish, and everyone bitches about her constantly, but noone actually criticises her to her face, Phil thinks he's master goal scorer and never sets up any shot because he always wants to be the one to take it.... which leaves... ME. Apparently i'm expected to do everything. Then Gill is bitching that the only person on our division who "can score" is Phil.... but Phil will never set it up so anyone else can take one anyway! ARGH. STRESS!

On top of that, at the beginning of the match i'm being told that apparently Becca is a stronger player than me, which leaves me seething- not a good attitude for play! Becca is fucking pathetic. She refuses to play on any division without Gill, because Gill is our best player so playing with her means Becca has to do nothing. She has no fucking tactical ability, she refuses to shout so noone knows whats going on, and half of the time she won't even run (this is the girl who needs to be chaffeured from one halls of residence to the other- i.e 300 yards- by her moronic boyfriend because apparently incapable of walking anywhere). But noone will say a word against her because she's shagging Phil and crawling up Gill's arse at every opportunity. ARGH.

Maybe i'm just being oversensitive, but it always seems to me that as the only experienced player who anyone can bitch at, when we lose, its always my personal fault. And i don't see why i should put up with it. Because its not my fault! I'm not sporty, these things don't come easily to me, and at the end of the day, i only joined the club for a laugh in the first place, since i was told that it wasn't mega competitive and bitchy like most other sports at Keele...

Gill and Becca have both come back here with Phil and are apparently here for the evening. They are currently sat cackling in the next room and i am drowning them out with Fall Out Boy. Hopefully i can slope off over to Roo's a bit later, otherwise something really horrible might happen to them...

Anyone who is remotely interested in what i have just spent the past ten minutes bitching about, can see here

Stolen Boredness

Currently Eating: Nothing. Just had some toast with butter... mmmm...

Currently Reading: Journal articles on aluminium and dialysis encephalopathy...woot...

Currently Listening to: "Sugar, We're Going Down" - Fall Out Boy.

Currently Wearing: Jeans, green top, beads, black cardigan, pink stripey socks.

Currently Anticipating: Seeing the boy. Some chocolate biscuits...

Currently Thinking about: Boy :(

Currently Wondering: Whether or not to go down to the Union to meet Mike, Phil and Fake-Cough (Becca).

Currently Should be: Writing the damn essay.

Current plans for the weekend: I'm living it, baby.

Currently feeling: Grumpy.

Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

Not.

Good God i'm bored. Can't believe its the weekend again already.

I should be writing my neuroscience essay but, meh. I've only written 500 words and i'm stuck already. It's much less brain taxing to just ignore it.

Everyone in the corridor is out, so i am taking advantage of this fact by listening to music at an inappropriate volume. To be fair, i do this most of the time anyway. I'm sure everyone must hate me.

I was going to moan about how Katie and Roo always ignore me when their boyfriends are in the picture, despite the fact that i always try to include them in my activities with The Boy- because one: they're friends with him too, and two: i wouldn't want them to feel like i was brushing them off in favour of him when we spend so much time together usually. Usually they are both guilty of it. But Katie has just invited me for hot chocolate with her and Dan... so i'm off... hehe!

Meeeeurrrgh...

I've just polished off an enormous slab of chocolate cake... and its only 11.30am... whoopsy!

I feel quite sick now...

Boy has left already :( I hate these midweek visits, when it seems as though he's barely arrived when he has to go back again for work.

It was lovely tho. We had nice sex and everything. Yay.

I am so unbelievably tired today. The Boy is a little on the large side... so me plus him plus single bed doesn't make for the most restful of sleeps. Plus Phil and Mike went out last night, and brought back Gill and Becca at midnight, so they were sat up talking until about 2am. The walls here are so bloody paper thin, i could hear every word they were saying... Its not what i pay a grand a semester for, i can tell you! They were bitching about Korfball, typically. Becca was being her usual know-it-all self, even though when she's on the pitch, she seems to lack any basic tactical understanding of the game... not that anyone mentions it since she's shagging the Vice-Captain... The first match of the season is on Sunday, and Gill has already picked the team. Charlie, our "first team captain", is not actually on the team. I'm not entirely sure she knows about it yet either... so training will be interesting tonight...

Have a meeting with Glenn shortly, in which i feel sure he is going to pull my project introduction to pieces, and i will cry or something. I went into the hospital on Tuesday for one sample. One whole sample. Remarkable eh.

There is a girl working in the specimen reception at the hospital who i was chatting to on Tuesday. She graduated in Biomedical Science this year from Keele. She has a registration portfolio which she took a year out to do. And she is working in specimen reception... sticking labels on bottles... because there are no trainee BMS posts anywhere. This doesn't fill me confidence about my future prospects. In fact, it pretty much makes me want to throw myself on the floor and cry and scream until i vomit. But hey ho.

True to my father's advice ("Well, just finish your degree, then find a field where there are lots of jobs... and do a degree in that instead!"- Sound advice, if i was planning on entering The Guinness Book of Records with an entry for the world's largest student debt...) i'm thinking of applying to do Medicine sometime in the near future, rather than going into Biomedical Science for a few years first. I'm not sure i have what it takes to be a doctor, but i suppose i'll never know unless i try. Though the prospect of putting my life on hold for the next 10 years, isn't something i relish particularly.

Anyway. More later.