The Unforgiven

I read a rather inspiring blog by one of my very dear friends today. Despite the fact he is a loud mouthed short arse with a receding hairline, who teaches snotty kids IT for a living, it made me want to be him, quite deseperately. He has, and i quote "literally everything i've ever dreamed of". He is happy and content. He regrets nothing.

I on the otherhand seem to stuck in a personal culture of malcontent and regret. I am depressed, mostly just because i am/ have been depressed. Nothing seems to be making me happy. Even things i think i want.

Bizzarely the only thing that currently worries the most about living this mental double-life of mine is the event of me having some terrible accident and being rushed to hospital, or even dying... Which one of them would turn up? What would happen if they both turned up!?

Periodically i get this horrible sick panicky feeling washing over me, thinking "what the fuck am i going to do about this!" But mostly i am just muddling along, waiting for disaster.

I've set the deadline now anyway, not that i ever stick to them. I really ought to do this time though, since i am currently spending Christmas in about seven places...

I will probably be dumped by the time he gets home anyway, since he has taken to spying on me, checking my internet history etc.

Also i am looking for a new job, because i can.

Sigh.

Self abuse

I can't believe there are still people around who check this site with regularity, given the dire state of my update frequency recently... I'll never know why you're still interested but i suppose i should say thank you.

I also find it difficult to believe just how ridiculous my life continues to be. My depression is worse than it ever has been and i can only honestly blame myself.

I have a beautiful little end terraced house currently in the process of being made mine. I have a boy begging to move into it with me and love me until the end of time. I have my job, which is lovely and some new friends who are equally lovely. In short i have everything i ever wanted, and i'm still not happy.

I'm still not happy because amazingly i'm still letting a certain manipulative controlling, abusive someone have a hold on me and my life, under some facade of loving him and him loving me. I cannot think of a worse person to be with, a less sympathetic, understanding, supportive person, and yet still i think i'd be better off there. Because occasionally he makes me laugh. And he holds me when we go to sleep.

This is why i don't update anymore, because then i'd have to tell you how everyday i think about those pills. Maybe because thats the only way to get his attention. Maybe cos its the only way to make it stop.

Clean slate and all that.

So when i said later...

I meant much much later, clearly! I can't imagine anyone reads this anymore anyway. In fact i am contemplating deleting it, and starting again. There is so much stuff in here lately which i am quiet deeply ashamed of. Maybe a fresh start is called for.

This would involve sorting my life out however, which as is always the case with me, is much easier said than done.

In happier news, i'm the not so new girl at work now. I can do things. And i get paid. Woop.

I'm sure one day i'll get round to writing a proper update, but right now my head aches.

Zzzz....

Wow...

I haven't updated for a whole month! Whoops.

Well, i'm still alive. Thats about all i can say for now.

Life is confusing as always.

More later.

Destroy the Spineless...

I have never been particularly close to my parents, especially not my mother. The majority of my teenage years were spent as her emotional punchbag after my parents divorced, and so i have come to actually loathe her. I have never encountered any one person as petty, pathetic, hypocritical, moody and abusive as she is. Except perhaps my father... The joys of moving back home. But anyway...

So i have survived my first week in the working world. I may go so far as to say i've actually quite enjoyed it. It hasn't been fantastically interesting as i am mostly just doing MLA work for the moment and not even much of that really. It is incredibly frustrating to not even be trusted to put the right labels on the right bottles when you have spent four years studying some fairly complex science at university... But i suppose everyone has to start somewhere... Everyone seems fairly nice and there are quite a few people i can see myself getting on with really well once i settle in better. I am not loving the twelve hour days so much though. I am leaving the house at 6.45 every morning and not getting home until around 7 at night. Its not as tiring as i thought it would be, i seem to have got into a routine already, but i can imagaine after a few weeks it will feel like i am always at work. But for the moment, all is well.

Daffyd is on his way upto visit as i speak. Though it'll be nice to see him, i wish to god he wasn't coming. I'm terrified he will bump into The Boy in which case one of them will end up in hospital and the other one in prison... Sigh. Always so much stress.

Daffyd has very pretty blue eyes, however i think i have finally made up my mind and am preparing my leaving speech.

Eeek.

Loose Women

Well i am back from my Keele adventures, for good this time. I went back down on Friday to pick up my results- i got a first- oh yes! I'm actually not that excited about that... it probably sounds big headed but i pretty much already what it was going to be. Still it is always nice to have it be official. So now i am a first class Applied Biomedical Science graduate :)

On Friday night Dave and I went out for a meal with Roo and Rob to celebrate, which was a lot more pleasant than i was expecting. It made things with Dave seem much more official, since we are now apparently accepted as a couple. After food, Roo and I went to the cinema to see the Sex and the City film (which incidentally is hilarious if a little cliched...) while the boys went into town to watch some football. Saturday Dave and Roo had the Castle end of season barbeque, which i gatecrashed despite being a Keele player. The rest of the week has been spent mostly just dossing around doing nothing in particular.

And now i'm home again, which is a bit dull really.

Things with Dave are strange. I still don't really know where its all going. Things are periodically lovely, and then awful and i struggle to work out if he is genuinely being an arsehole or if i just can't cope with different-ness of it all. I feel as though i am having to hold back from him slightly sometimes. I don't know how much of the problem is to do with my state of mind. I have unleashed a fair few episodes of hysterical depressive crap on him recently and so to be fair i am lucky he hasn't gone running for the hills... Sometimes i think it just isn't going to work, it shouldn't be this difficult this early in, and that i should end it. But then i look at him and his lovely blue eyes and his occasional flashes of sweetness and affection....

I miss The Boy terribly, which probably isn't helping either.

I am still being "anonymously" abused via David's blog, which makes me so angry i can bearly even see straight. How can these people be so pathetic and so bloody self righteous at the same time! Ele claims to be far happier now than she ever was, as does Dave, so what's the problem? Three months is plenty of time to wallow and while i was originally guilty, sorry blah blah whatever, now i just beginning to lose sympathy with them all, they need to get over it. We came clean, did the right thing, and now we are trying to make the best of a bad situation, and they should do the same. I wouldn't mind, but its not even any of their sodding business- they have no idea what went on! They have no idea who i am or what i'm like, yet still feel they need to judge me for it! I know i shouldn't be letting it get to me, but well, i'm not very good at it. Am i going to be harassed about this for the rest of my life!?

Oh how i wish none of this had ever happened. I would like my old life back please.

Anyway.

Work on Monday, and i am suitably terrified. Noone is going to like me, i'm not going to be able to do the work, i hate being the new person... blah blah usual neuroses. People keep sending me forms to fill in and documents to find and its so overwhelming. I am feeling generally overwhelmed by the whole of adult life at the moment. How am i going to hold down a full time job? How am i going to cope!? I tried to look for a flat the other day and just ended up being overwhelmed (again) by the number of estate agents and properties and... argh. I wish i could just make someone do it for me. Or failing that, stay in bed for the rest of my life...

I think a re-emergence of the crazy pills may be on the cards.

Yawn...

I'm pretty sure i have about 25 other posts with this title, but at the moment i can't really be bothereed thinking of a more imaginative one. So tough.

I have only been at home for 2 and a half days and i'm already fantastically bored. Daffyd drove me home on Thursday with all my worldly possessions, and was well received by the family, which is always good. We drove back to Keele the same night in order to attend the Bristol tournament this weekend. Which was pleasant enough. KUKC came 4th! Out of 22! Not last! Fucking Christ knows how we managed that, there were some fierce competitors but hey, its a nice end to our season. It always amuses me when good teams lose to Keele. They get so very cross. Castle came third from last, so they were all a little grumpy... The social in the evening was rubbish, and the tent sleeping was worse. But all in all, not a terrible way to spend the weekend. Sunday was spent back in Keele again with Daffyd, and then Monday i came home. Tomorrow i am going back to Keele again to pick up my results and play some more- i can't wait!

I am starting work on the 23rd of June which is terrifically scary.

I can't really be bothered to elaborate more than this... bit of a pointless post really...