Day whatever

So my updating has been lax. I have been overwhelmed by other things.

I have finished my finals now which is one thing. They went with varying degrees of success. Now i have five days to write my dissertation. Which makes my brain go all wiggley if i think about it too much, so i won't.

I'm simply overwhelmed with congratualtions and support from all my so-called friends today.

I really do feel incredibly bad.

Day Three... Is it day 3? I can't even remember...

So my mind is beginning to unravel slowly. Well i say slowly. I don't know the exact time course of these things. But my head, anyway, its not well.

Yesterday afternoon, around lunchtime, i managed to convince myself fairly successfully, that the logical solution to the whole problem would just be to kill myself. Cue a long internal debate about exactly how painful it would be to slit ones wrists- though why i was thinking that i don't know- i am an immense pain wimp and so any suicidal activity would almost certainly involve taking an overdose. But that seemed less messy and dramatic and tragic and whatever... The semi-logical part of my brain argued however, that after 4 fucking years slog at this degree, i would not be wanting to throw it down the pan 4 weeks before finishing. I would have to do my exams first. But then part of the problem is the sheer volume of knowledge i am having to squash into my brain currently and once exams are over that problem will cease to be in existence thus removing some necessity of the suicidal act anyway...

Then i had a cup of tea and a sit down.

Joey came round last night and beat me senseless for not telling her about splitting up with The Boy before. And she listened to the saga in a typical non-judgemental and blunt Joey way. I was reminded of the reasons i love her so much and shamed for my previous bitterness towards her. In many ways, she is much more like me than Ruth and Katie, and i like her much better for it. We established that i need to make a decision, and stick to it. Which of course i already knew. She seems much more pro-Daffyd than others, for reasons i am not sure of.

Then my man free week disintegrated entirely when Daffyd got back from a Tom's band gig and invited himself round to "see how i was". I resisted for about 30 seconds... but i figured i was feeling better after seeing Joey, so wouldn't be doing much thinking anyway. So he came round and we chatted and snuggled up for a bit, and then he left. AND THEN... i called The Boy... because an "unknown number" had been calling me all evening and it was quite blatantly him, so i thought i'd check he hadn't topped himself or anything. He hadn't. We had a minor chat, despite both of us saying we really shouldn't be talking to each other... He cried a little but otherwise seemed fairly reasonable. I felt guilty. But i didn't miss him. I didn't feel overwhelmed with affection. In fact talking to him reminded me slightly of the way i used to feel about my now Ex-ex boyfriend (who incidentally i have been Facebook stalking recently...) when we split up and he would whine down the phone at me for about 6 months afterwards... But not entirely. I do still love him after all.

Today Ruth was back for a while and so i spent most of the afternoon with her and Katie and periodically Alex. I had a laugh and forgot about things for a while, which was nice.

I may then have spent most of the afternoon flirting with Daffyd via Facebook, which isn't entirely in keeping with the spirit of the week either. He is cooking me dinner tomorrow. Which i will feel ferociously guilty about for a number of reasons: mainly the fact that it is (was) my 3 year anniversary with The Boy. But then i am single now. But... whatever...

I'm really not doing myself any favours...

Sigh.

Home time i think.

Day Two

So...

Last night i missed The Boy. Painfully.

Today Daffyd has messaged me and i want to see him. Though i am not going to let myself.

The Boy is ignoring my messages. Which is fair enough, i deserve it i suppose. It is (would have been?) our 3 year anniversary on Thursday.

I feel so pressured.

I am going home to make myself a cup of coffee.

Male Free Week

Day One:

Mood: Confused, tearful, moany...

Nausea Status: High

Boy Contact: Some minor MSNing...

Revision: AMI and breast cancer cases written up

Revision actually absorbed into brain: None....

Vancomycin resistant enterococci, anyone?

I don't really have anything interesting to say, as usual. But i am shattered and bored of writing out essays to learn.

Yesterday was a fairly surreal day. I can't get used to this new partner business, which is in essence what it is. Daffyd and I went into town for a bit, had some lunch, bought a suit (not me...). Went out for dinner in the evening with Alex and a couple of PGCE girls who i've never met before. They were pretty awful... but it was a laugh nonetheless. Chatted to Alex mostly. He's so funny, i love him to pieces. You can't take him anywhere though. I'm pretty sure the waitress spat in our dinner...

Spent the rest of the day dossing around. Had what i suppose can only be described as a "tiff" with Daffyd. Not even worthy of being called an argument. Just a level of cross-ness. He keeps telling me its normal, i am used to one way of doing things and he is used to another, hence when our ways clash, we need time to adjust to it. Which makes sense i suppose. I just feel a little too fragile to be dealing with having him annoyed with me as well right now. So i went home.

First instinct upon going home and crying hysterically was to ring The Boy and demand affection and attention and sympathy etc. But i restrained myself. It wouldn't be fair on him. It would be pathetic. And getting into the habit of running back to him everytime something goes wrong in a new situation is just not a recipe for success. I rang Daffyd in the end and he came back round. I had a big long cry and a chat, got a few things off my chest and i feel a little better now. Didn't get to sleep until about 4.30am, hence the tiredness.

But I think i still miss the Boy. I don't know.

Daffyd is off playing korfball today. I probably should have gone to watch but i couldn't be arsed. Whoever wins today has won the league, so am pretty sure i will be hearing all about it later.

That's all for now.

An update

So i haven't updated in a while. A partial combination of business and just general apathy. Now however, i have finals to revise for and so conveniently my desire to blog has been reignited.

Thursday 20th of March was my last ever day of lectures. Which i'm sure i would feel sad about, if i were to think hard enough about it. Now i am currently embroiled in revising for my finals which are in two and half weeks time (and of course my usual petty emotional drama, which i will come to in a minute) and feeling guilty about not having started my dissertation. Thankfully i have a week after exams in which to write it. Its fair to say however, that i'm more than a little stressed.

For continuity's sake i will carry on the story of my relationship disturbance from where i left off last time. Though a fair few things have happened since then.

I told Ruth about my affair with Daffyd. She was unexpectedly fine about it (though is most likely just well concealing her disgust with me, she has very high moral standards). She came to the same conclusion as Katie. That Dave was a bastard, i had been used and manipulated and that i needed to tell The Boy. I still had my misgivings. Mostly due to the fact that Dave was never going to tell Ele, and so i stood to lose everything and him nothing. Which is malicious and pathetic, but well, that's just me. Despite these misgivings, i decided that i would tell The Boy. It was the right thing to do after all.

The day i was due to leave for home, Daffyd told me he wanted to see me before i left. Having managed to successfully ignore him for more than a week, this was unexpected. But i went to see him. And he told me that he had left Ele. Having spent the past week trying to push him out of my head, this news was received with slight confusion. I told him i was planning to tell The Boy about the cheating whilst at home. He asked me where that would leave "us", and i told him i didn't know. Which was the truth.

Silly as it sounds, i was a little annoyed at him for upping and leaving Ele out of the blue. I had spent the week agonising about telling The Boy, and had come to the conclusion of doing it with no reference to Daffyd. Now it was going to look as though i had done it just for him. Which i can assure you all now was not the plan at all.

So i went home with good intentions. The foil in my plan however was that i actually enjoyed spending time with The Boy. He was lovely. We went out, we chatted and laughed and snuggled and even had sex. Things were perfect, just like they always had been. I adored him. And there was no way i could tell this man that i had betrayed him. Because it would destroy him. And i didn't want that. I wanted to be with him. And i knew that i could manage perfectly well to never tell him, if i had to. Becuase i am deceitful like that. So while spending the week in pretence of "i'll tell him tomorrow... i'll tell him tomorrow...". i knew in the back of my mind, that i wasn't going to. And that was fine by me. Dave was in my head a little. But it was nothing serious. I knew i could get rid of it in time.

The day before coming back to university, Dave asked me if i had told The Boy yet. I was forced to admit that i had spent the whole week chickening out. It was then that he told me outright, that he had left Ele for me, in the hope that he wouldn't be the only one single come the end of the week. I had suspected this. But not assumed. He didn't love her after all. Regardless of me. But no, he told me he had changed his mind again, and in order to prove the permanence of his decision to me, he had left her. Rather inconvenient timing, given my recent decision to make things work with The Boy. So now i felt guilty. But nevertheless, resolved to sort things out once i got back to uni. I could explain to Daffyd. It would be fine.

Except i get back to university and Daffyd is there and wants to take me out for dinner and spend evenings with me and cuddle me and kiss me and apparently i want to let him... So despite the shittiness of it all, i come to the conclusion that i am in fact incapable of controlling myself which isn't fair on The Boy and so i phone to tell him i am leaving him.

He doesn't take it well. But as others have said to me, deep down, he already knew. He doesn't want to leave me. He wants to stay together and work things out. And while i want that too, i know i am stuck at university with Dave for another 3 weeks, and i know i won't be able to stay away from him in that time. So i have to force the point. I am leaving you. Which is difficult, when it isn't really what i want.

So now i am single. Except i'm not really. Daffyd is sweetly happy that i have left The Boy. He wants to see me all the time. He holds me and kisses me and takes me out and we sleep together. And he tells me how beautiful i am and how he is happier than he has been for a long time. And how he can't wait for the day when we can be together properly. We are taking it slowly, casually for now. Apparently.

The Boy knows nothing of this. He is desperate for me to come home so we can sort things out. And perhaps i would, if it weren't for my finals. I will never work for them at home and so i am forcing myself to stay here. And the way things are going with Daffyd now, i clearly don't want to sort things out that much.

I don't know who or what i want now or where to turn for the answer. No matter what i chose, someone is now going to get very hurt, because of me. I am so overwhelmed by guilt.

I am starting to miss The Boy a little. I don't know if its genuine or if its loss of the comfort blanket effect. The same as i dont know if the surge of affection i felt for him during that week home was just a clinging mechanism, in the face of losing him imminently. If i loved him so much, i'm sure i wouldn't be fucking Dave quite so frequently.

The Boy managed to track down Ele, like i knew he would. They have been chatting to each other a lot, swapping tales of mal-intent and most likely just making each other feel worse. The general conscensus of their chats is that Dave is a manipulative bastard. The Boy is determined to believe/ prove to me that Dave has powers of mind control and has been out ot snare me from the very beginning. I of course, have been to weak minded and feeble to resist.

Dave is just there. He wants me, and is prepared to wait for a time when he can fully have me. And if the emotion he expresses towards me is just manipulation and using, i would be very surprised, despite what everyone wants me to think.
I have no idea how i would tell him that i had changed my mind and was going back to the Boy. And part of me doesn't want to. Another part of me thinks that any emotional trauma he suffered might serve him right, after the was he initially treated me.

I am inclined to think that by leaving The Boy and sleeping with D, i have already made the decision. I shouldn't be allowed to turn around on it, even though the opportunity has been provided to me. If and when it turns out to be the wrong one, it will serve me right.

I think i am going to spend the week on my own next week. No males of any variety. Perhaps that will make the decision for me.

I might get round to revising for my finals sometime soon.