Self abuse

I can't believe there are still people around who check this site with regularity, given the dire state of my update frequency recently... I'll never know why you're still interested but i suppose i should say thank you.

I also find it difficult to believe just how ridiculous my life continues to be. My depression is worse than it ever has been and i can only honestly blame myself.

I have a beautiful little end terraced house currently in the process of being made mine. I have a boy begging to move into it with me and love me until the end of time. I have my job, which is lovely and some new friends who are equally lovely. In short i have everything i ever wanted, and i'm still not happy.

I'm still not happy because amazingly i'm still letting a certain manipulative controlling, abusive someone have a hold on me and my life, under some facade of loving him and him loving me. I cannot think of a worse person to be with, a less sympathetic, understanding, supportive person, and yet still i think i'd be better off there. Because occasionally he makes me laugh. And he holds me when we go to sleep.

This is why i don't update anymore, because then i'd have to tell you how everyday i think about those pills. Maybe because thats the only way to get his attention. Maybe cos its the only way to make it stop.

Clean slate and all that.

So when i said later...

I meant much much later, clearly! I can't imagine anyone reads this anymore anyway. In fact i am contemplating deleting it, and starting again. There is so much stuff in here lately which i am quiet deeply ashamed of. Maybe a fresh start is called for.

This would involve sorting my life out however, which as is always the case with me, is much easier said than done.

In happier news, i'm the not so new girl at work now. I can do things. And i get paid. Woop.

I'm sure one day i'll get round to writing a proper update, but right now my head aches.

Zzzz....