Destroy the Spineless...

I have never been particularly close to my parents, especially not my mother. The majority of my teenage years were spent as her emotional punchbag after my parents divorced, and so i have come to actually loathe her. I have never encountered any one person as petty, pathetic, hypocritical, moody and abusive as she is. Except perhaps my father... The joys of moving back home. But anyway...

So i have survived my first week in the working world. I may go so far as to say i've actually quite enjoyed it. It hasn't been fantastically interesting as i am mostly just doing MLA work for the moment and not even much of that really. It is incredibly frustrating to not even be trusted to put the right labels on the right bottles when you have spent four years studying some fairly complex science at university... But i suppose everyone has to start somewhere... Everyone seems fairly nice and there are quite a few people i can see myself getting on with really well once i settle in better. I am not loving the twelve hour days so much though. I am leaving the house at 6.45 every morning and not getting home until around 7 at night. Its not as tiring as i thought it would be, i seem to have got into a routine already, but i can imagaine after a few weeks it will feel like i am always at work. But for the moment, all is well.

Daffyd is on his way upto visit as i speak. Though it'll be nice to see him, i wish to god he wasn't coming. I'm terrified he will bump into The Boy in which case one of them will end up in hospital and the other one in prison... Sigh. Always so much stress.

Daffyd has very pretty blue eyes, however i think i have finally made up my mind and am preparing my leaving speech.

Eeek.

Loose Women

Well i am back from my Keele adventures, for good this time. I went back down on Friday to pick up my results- i got a first- oh yes! I'm actually not that excited about that... it probably sounds big headed but i pretty much already what it was going to be. Still it is always nice to have it be official. So now i am a first class Applied Biomedical Science graduate :)

On Friday night Dave and I went out for a meal with Roo and Rob to celebrate, which was a lot more pleasant than i was expecting. It made things with Dave seem much more official, since we are now apparently accepted as a couple. After food, Roo and I went to the cinema to see the Sex and the City film (which incidentally is hilarious if a little cliched...) while the boys went into town to watch some football. Saturday Dave and Roo had the Castle end of season barbeque, which i gatecrashed despite being a Keele player. The rest of the week has been spent mostly just dossing around doing nothing in particular.

And now i'm home again, which is a bit dull really.

Things with Dave are strange. I still don't really know where its all going. Things are periodically lovely, and then awful and i struggle to work out if he is genuinely being an arsehole or if i just can't cope with different-ness of it all. I feel as though i am having to hold back from him slightly sometimes. I don't know how much of the problem is to do with my state of mind. I have unleashed a fair few episodes of hysterical depressive crap on him recently and so to be fair i am lucky he hasn't gone running for the hills... Sometimes i think it just isn't going to work, it shouldn't be this difficult this early in, and that i should end it. But then i look at him and his lovely blue eyes and his occasional flashes of sweetness and affection....

I miss The Boy terribly, which probably isn't helping either.

I am still being "anonymously" abused via David's blog, which makes me so angry i can bearly even see straight. How can these people be so pathetic and so bloody self righteous at the same time! Ele claims to be far happier now than she ever was, as does Dave, so what's the problem? Three months is plenty of time to wallow and while i was originally guilty, sorry blah blah whatever, now i just beginning to lose sympathy with them all, they need to get over it. We came clean, did the right thing, and now we are trying to make the best of a bad situation, and they should do the same. I wouldn't mind, but its not even any of their sodding business- they have no idea what went on! They have no idea who i am or what i'm like, yet still feel they need to judge me for it! I know i shouldn't be letting it get to me, but well, i'm not very good at it. Am i going to be harassed about this for the rest of my life!?

Oh how i wish none of this had ever happened. I would like my old life back please.

Anyway.

Work on Monday, and i am suitably terrified. Noone is going to like me, i'm not going to be able to do the work, i hate being the new person... blah blah usual neuroses. People keep sending me forms to fill in and documents to find and its so overwhelming. I am feeling generally overwhelmed by the whole of adult life at the moment. How am i going to hold down a full time job? How am i going to cope!? I tried to look for a flat the other day and just ended up being overwhelmed (again) by the number of estate agents and properties and... argh. I wish i could just make someone do it for me. Or failing that, stay in bed for the rest of my life...

I think a re-emergence of the crazy pills may be on the cards.

Yawn...

I'm pretty sure i have about 25 other posts with this title, but at the moment i can't really be bothereed thinking of a more imaginative one. So tough.

I have only been at home for 2 and a half days and i'm already fantastically bored. Daffyd drove me home on Thursday with all my worldly possessions, and was well received by the family, which is always good. We drove back to Keele the same night in order to attend the Bristol tournament this weekend. Which was pleasant enough. KUKC came 4th! Out of 22! Not last! Fucking Christ knows how we managed that, there were some fierce competitors but hey, its a nice end to our season. It always amuses me when good teams lose to Keele. They get so very cross. Castle came third from last, so they were all a little grumpy... The social in the evening was rubbish, and the tent sleeping was worse. But all in all, not a terrible way to spend the weekend. Sunday was spent back in Keele again with Daffyd, and then Monday i came home. Tomorrow i am going back to Keele again to pick up my results and play some more- i can't wait!

I am starting work on the 23rd of June which is terrifically scary.

I can't really be bothered to elaborate more than this... bit of a pointless post really...

Some people just have no sense of irony....

Daffyd blogs. Its is chronically dull and he is not a very inspiring writer, but thats besides the point. I would give you the link but i don't particularly want him to read my blog, being the honesty pit that it is.

Anyway, recently a couple of "anonymous" commenters have been slagging him off on this blog. Without even getting into the bizarreness of the fact that these people who supposedly don't like him, taking time out of their day to read and then comment these blogs, i find it just a little bit tragic that these people are so pathetic that they don't even leave their name to these insults...

...That is of little consequence anyway, as with a decent bit of stat-counter stalking, people are easily identified...

As non other than two of his ex-girlfriends...

Now, Ele, i can understand. She has been the loser in all of this, and bitterness is only to be expected. The other one however is beyond me... she appears to be slagging him off for cheating on Ele, when strangely enough, she split up with Daffyd after she cheated on him... Hypocritical no?

What makes it even more hilarious is that when these comments are replied to, both Ele and the other ex comment (leaving their names this time), all faux shock and incredulity at being accused... despite the quite, um, blatant evidence that it was them.

Ele now fills her blog with a load of self indulgent shite about being accused of abusing Daffyd, and how in fact it was her being bullyed all these years... not being allowed to wear what she wants or see her friends... boo fucking hoo.

I should feel sorry for her, i know i should. She quite blatantly is still in love with him, or she wouldnt be wasting her time and effort on this. But part of me wants to give her a slap and tell her to get a fucking life. Men only treat you how you let them treat you. And i'm glad to say, if any man told me to go upstairs and get changed after seeing my outfit. i'd tell him to shut the fuck up or get the fuck out.

And if he was such an awful boyfriend anyway, then why the big issue? Why not just be thankful you're out of it and get on with life. Feel sorry for the feeble female he is abusing now. SHE HAS A NEW FUCKING BOYFRIEND ANYWAY!

No, empathy and tolerance are not strong points of mine.

Of course it worries me that a selection of people seem to think Daffyd is the biggest, most arrogant controlling arsehole bastard on the planet. But for now he has done little to make me doubt him. The initial shite was shite, but that was hardly a real life situation, and besides, i got myself into that one. Since things have been official, as it were, he has been the model of boyfriendliness. So for now, i shall give him the benefit of the doubt.

Faster the Chase

Life has been moving along at a rather leisurely pace since university finished. I have spent my time eating, sleeping, reading non-university prescribed texts (woohoo!), watching Heroes and snuggling up to Daffyd.

Last Saturday was Korf PVP (past vs. present), where a selection of old players came up to uni for a game and whole lot of drinking. I forget who won the match now, no one takes it particularly seriously, I think it was probably the past team though... Sunday there was a mini tournament type thing organised by Castle, which suffered slightly from lack of people to make up teams, and so ended up just being a 3 hour game of korfball… which was a tad tiring! Maz came and crashed on my floor for the weekend, which was cool having not seen her for a long while. Though she does consistently make me wonder how she survives in the real world…

I certainly suffered after my sporty weekend, having not trained for a few weeks!

This weekend was the infamous Castle Tournament. Dave and I got up at 7 on Saturday morning to pack up all the camping and korfing gear, pick up a couple of other korfers from their respective houses and toddle off to the rugby club, arriving at 8. We then spent 2 hours helping to set up, building gazebos, marking out pitches, making sandwiches etc… Thus followed about 8 hours of solid korfing and trying valiantly not to fall over on the Astroturf pitches (read: glorified sand paper), with some intermittent water drinking and sun cream application. The weather was absolutely glorious, despite a pretty unspectacular couple of weeks. As pathetic as my skin is, I was burning through my t-shirt in the 8am sun, so I spent most of the day obsessively slathering on factor 30. As a consequence, I think I am actually whiter now than I was to begin with… ace. In true KUKC style, we came last, managing to be beaten even by the team which was only assembled at Christmas… which I helped to train…

The social in the evening was a good laugh, with a performance from Tom’s band and lots of general drinking and dancing-ness. We crashed out in our tents at about 1am… to be woken at about 5 by a rather impressive car boot sale set up about 100 feet from our tents. Most of us were up by 7, stood outside the tents looking bleary eyed and sunburnt; and making fun of the car boot sale goers and the drunken antics of the previous night. Dave and I packed up and were home for about 9 to go back to bed for a couple of hours. We spent the rest of the day eating, unpacking, eating, generally tarting about and eating…

Dave is in school next week on placement, so I am going to have to amuse myself for a lot of the time. We have spent pretty much the last fortnight together constantly… and in all honesty it has been lovely. At the risk of speaking to soon, things seem to be going really well. I told him I loved him on Saturday night, in our tent, because, well, I do. In my own way, which I suppose will be difficult to understand. His response? “About bloody time, I’ve properly loved you for ages!”

Oh.

I am still getting used to this different kind of relationship- trying to be less clingy and demanding and selfish and unreasonable, not being able to get away with it anymore. Dave is much less tolerant and indulgent of me. He doesn’t worship the very ground I walk on. There is no pedestal for me to sit on here! It’s a little difficult and I don’t altogether like it, but perhaps it will make me a better person in the end? I don’t know. For the most part, there are no issues, and things are just Lovely.

I am dreading the time when I have to go home and be alone. When I am most likely going to realise the enormity of the change, the loss of The Boy shaped comfort blanket, the utter dreadfulness of my recent behaviour, the immersion of myself into another ridiculous long distance relationship which may not even work out because Dave can be an arse sometimes (conveniently forgetting that this is true of all men…) and I am most probably on the rebound anyway… But for now I choose not to face up any of this.

Dave is taking me home on Friday night… which is going to be excellent to explain to my mother… Then we maybe off to Bristol for another Korfy tournament, though I haven’t decided if I really want to go yet. I am of the tendency to wallow, at the moment and tournaments mean effort, even if it is fun in the end.

Plus I have NO money, and a million things to pay for, which is a bit of a bum.

That is all.