Muddled...

Just got back to Keele after an extended weekend at home. I am feeling that blah-y way that i always feel when i'm here after a while away.

The weekend has been strange. After worrying so much about Abbie all week, i was a little annoyed to get home on Thursday night and find that everyone was just acting as though nothing had happened, and Abbie herself barely acknowledged my presence.

On Friday i went to Abbie's first appointment with the psychologist, with Mum and Dad. The psychologist asked about lots of generic psychologist things, like how long my Mum and Dad had been divorced, had there been any traumatic or significant events lately, etc. Mum was finally forced to admit to suffering from depression, and i was momentarily terrified that i would have to do the same.

I wasn't awfully impressed with the psychologist. She seems very overly focussed on the issue of Abbie's alcohol drinking. Ok, drinking at 15 is not exactly ideal, but lets be honest here, everyone does it. It doesn't mean we're all destined for a life of AA meetings. The events of last weekend were disturbing and unpleasant, but not a commentary on my sister's mental state as a whole. On finding out that Mum's father was an alcoholic, the psychologist took it upon herself to tell Abbie that she was in danger of dying as an alcoholic also. Which seems more like scare-mongering than counselling to me.

On the other hand, she did confirm my thoughts that Abbie's self harm problem, is more like a "self harm problem". Something quite superficial and not really to be worried about. Incidentally, having seen the cuts for myself, i can say that Mum was definitely exaggerating...

My biggest gripe with the psychologist, is the fact that she refuses to address Abbie's biggest problem in my mind, which is the fact that she no longer eats anything.

"Abbie doesn't want to talk about it, so we're not going to"

I'm no psychologist... but how the hell does that make any sense whatsoever!? Surely that just proves that the problem exists in the first place, thus highlighting the need for it to be addressed? Euch.

She even fucking told Mum that Abbie is already in the peripheral stages of an eating disorder. Her extreme sensitivity to the cold is a key sign that her body is beginning to "shut down".

That phrase has haunted me for the entire weekend. Body shutting down equates to the beginning of the end in my mind. Maybe i'm being over dramatic, but i can't shake off that thought. I don't want my baby sister to shut down.

I just can't get through to her that however miserable she feels now, it is nothing compared to how bad she is going to feel in ten/ twenty/ thirty years time when she is dealing with the consequences of starving herself.

To conclude, the psychologist handed out lots of advice which i should imagine seems rather counter-intuitive from my parents' point of view, like not to punish her, or stop her from going out with the bad influence friends to the places she usually goes to drink...

I can see her point. Despite my outrage, i am reluctant to force the issue with Abbie about exactly what kind of friends stand by and allow you to drink yourself into oblivion, and then not even hang around to deal with the aftermath... i don't want to make her feel more depressed by implying that her friends are not really friends, and that in reality she has no meaningful relationships. But i think Mum and Dad found it difficult to swallow.

Mum is, as usual, determined to take everything personally. According to her, the psycholgist is blaming the whole thing on her.

Listening to Mum lie about exactly how much alcohol she drinks in one week, proves to me that i'm right to be concerned about her in that respect... but thats an issue for another diary entry. She's by no means an alcoholic. And as contradictory as it sounds, i don't think her alcohol consumption is at the bottom of Abbie's problems.

Abbie told me that the psychologist thinks she is depressed. That, i can accept. The rest... meh.

My head is in a muddle, so i'm going to stop now.

I don't want to go to the hospital tomorrow...

The Co-Dependency Trap...

Last night, whilst doing my NightLine duty (NightLine is like a Samaritans type service for students, run by students...) i got to reading a book called The Co-Dependency Trap or something or other like that. NightLine has moved in with the student counselling service, so we now do the duties from their offices, hence why i was exposed to a shelf full of self help book crap in my hour of boredom...

Apparently, Co-Dependency is when a person does not complete their "psychological birth" which is supposed to occur in toddler-hood. (Psychological birth is the process of breaking away from the oneness with mother, and beginning to explore the world alone, whilst trusting that mother is still there if we need her...) This leads to them being unable to be a fully formed personality in their own right, and thus forming co-dependent relationships, where they rely on the other person to fulfill the missing aspects of their personality... This "affliction" supposedly affects around 98% of the American population.

My first thought was- "What a load of bollocks". Maybe i'm missing the point, but surely a degree of dependency is necessary to relationships? And life in general. No man is an island and all that. We need other people. Surely its a good thing when we have a relationship that makes us a better person? It can hardly be such an affliction if its affecting 98% of the population, can it? Are we all using our relationships as emotional crutches? Does noone form meaningful bonds with each other?

My second thought, upon reading on was- "Oh my god, i'm having a co-dependent relationship with The Boy!" I am pretty emotionally reliant upon him.

My tertiary thought was- "Actually no, this is bollocks." I am dependent on him, because i love him. I wouldn't like to think about living without him, but that doesn't mean i couldn't. I am perfectly capable of being a person in my own right thankyouverymuch.

Tsk. I hate stuff like that. Reading garbage like that is what gives people problems in the first place.

I'm not entirely sure i want to go and have counselling, if my head is going to be filled with rubbish like that. I can't imagine being told that all my relationships are unhealthy and meaningless is going to make me feel any better about myself.

Anyway.

Apart from gaining that nugget of wisdom, NightLine was a bit of a waste of time really. Since moving base, the phones haven't been sorted out properly, and so only the external phone works. Since the majority of our calls come through the internal line... there barely seems any point in being open. The only calls we got through the external line were from one of the banned callers, who just calls repeatedly to hurl abuse at us. I think he called about 30 times in the end...

I don't have much to do today. Meeting Joey tonight, but thats not for ages. Everyone on my corridor is still being hermit-like, which is a bit boring really.

Union on Friday was good fun. Introduced Ann to Amaretto :-)

Yawn.