Of course...

...on the flipside, two boyfriends, christmas= extra presents.

God help the pair of them, they both actually love me.

Bleugh.

Ten things currently of note:

1. Listing. The low stress ready made blog template for the chronically lazy.

2. Having two boyfriends makes Christmas a tad expensive.

3. I should probably stop being so complacent about this whole affair business, its not making anyone very happy.

4. There is something inherently wrong about having to entertain your boyfriend's parents, when you know you're having an affair.

5. Watching the cat trot around the living room with your bra in her mouth, after it has been discarded for some impromptu sofa sex is infinitely hilarious. If a little bit wrong.

6. The new job people don't seem interested. Sigh. I am currently rethinking my career options and considering the clinical science route.

7. Noone likes people who talk about science in their blog.

8. Noone has noticed that my hair is no longer red.

9. My NBF Louise has got a new job and is leaving. Sob.

10. I seem to be falling in love with the Boy again, which is handy.

Well

I made Daffyd cry last night.

I can't believe i actually feel guilty after all the times i've cried over him.

Sigh.

The Unforgiven

I read a rather inspiring blog by one of my very dear friends today. Despite the fact he is a loud mouthed short arse with a receding hairline, who teaches snotty kids IT for a living, it made me want to be him, quite deseperately. He has, and i quote "literally everything i've ever dreamed of". He is happy and content. He regrets nothing.

I on the otherhand seem to stuck in a personal culture of malcontent and regret. I am depressed, mostly just because i am/ have been depressed. Nothing seems to be making me happy. Even things i think i want.

Bizzarely the only thing that currently worries the most about living this mental double-life of mine is the event of me having some terrible accident and being rushed to hospital, or even dying... Which one of them would turn up? What would happen if they both turned up!?

Periodically i get this horrible sick panicky feeling washing over me, thinking "what the fuck am i going to do about this!" But mostly i am just muddling along, waiting for disaster.

I've set the deadline now anyway, not that i ever stick to them. I really ought to do this time though, since i am currently spending Christmas in about seven places...

I will probably be dumped by the time he gets home anyway, since he has taken to spying on me, checking my internet history etc.

Also i am looking for a new job, because i can.

Sigh.

Self abuse

I can't believe there are still people around who check this site with regularity, given the dire state of my update frequency recently... I'll never know why you're still interested but i suppose i should say thank you.

I also find it difficult to believe just how ridiculous my life continues to be. My depression is worse than it ever has been and i can only honestly blame myself.

I have a beautiful little end terraced house currently in the process of being made mine. I have a boy begging to move into it with me and love me until the end of time. I have my job, which is lovely and some new friends who are equally lovely. In short i have everything i ever wanted, and i'm still not happy.

I'm still not happy because amazingly i'm still letting a certain manipulative controlling, abusive someone have a hold on me and my life, under some facade of loving him and him loving me. I cannot think of a worse person to be with, a less sympathetic, understanding, supportive person, and yet still i think i'd be better off there. Because occasionally he makes me laugh. And he holds me when we go to sleep.

This is why i don't update anymore, because then i'd have to tell you how everyday i think about those pills. Maybe because thats the only way to get his attention. Maybe cos its the only way to make it stop.

Clean slate and all that.

So when i said later...

I meant much much later, clearly! I can't imagine anyone reads this anymore anyway. In fact i am contemplating deleting it, and starting again. There is so much stuff in here lately which i am quiet deeply ashamed of. Maybe a fresh start is called for.

This would involve sorting my life out however, which as is always the case with me, is much easier said than done.

In happier news, i'm the not so new girl at work now. I can do things. And i get paid. Woop.

I'm sure one day i'll get round to writing a proper update, but right now my head aches.

Zzzz....

Wow...

I haven't updated for a whole month! Whoops.

Well, i'm still alive. Thats about all i can say for now.

Life is confusing as always.

More later.