This Is How My Head Explodes

Of course...

2008-12-22T11:16:00.000-08:00

...on the flipside, two boyfriends, christmas= extra presents.

God help the pair of them, they both actually love me.

Bleugh.

Ten things currently of note:

2008-12-14T04:16:00.000-08:00

1. Listing. The low stress ready made blog template for the chronically lazy.

2. Having two boyfriends makes Christmas a tad expensive.

3. I should probably stop being so complacent about this whole affair business, its not making anyone very happy.

4. There is something inherently wrong about having to entertain your boyfriend's parents, when you know you're having an affair.

5. Watching the cat trot around the living room with your bra in her mouth, after it has been discarded for some impromptu sofa sex is infinitely hilarious. If a little bit wrong.

6. The new job people don't seem interested. Sigh. I am currently rethinking my career options and considering the clinical science route.

7. Noone likes people who talk about science in their blog.

8. Noone has noticed that my hair is no longer red.

9. My NBF Louise has got a new job and is leaving. Sob.

10. I seem to be falling in love with the Boy again, which is handy.

Well

2008-12-07T11:53:00.000-08:00

I made Daffyd cry last night.

I can't believe i actually feel guilty after all the times i've cried over him.

Sigh.

The Unforgiven

2008-11-19T12:01:00.000-08:00

I read a rather inspiring blog by one of my very dear friends today. Despite the fact he is a loud mouthed short arse with a receding hairline, who teaches snotty kids IT for a living, it made me want to be him, quite deseperately. He has, and i quote "literally everything i've ever dreamed of". He is happy and content. He regrets nothing.

I on the otherhand seem to stuck in a personal culture of malcontent and regret. I am depressed, mostly just because i am/ have been depressed. Nothing seems to be making me happy. Even things i think i want.

Bizzarely the only thing that currently worries the most about living this mental double-life of mine is the event of me having some terrible accident and being rushed to hospital, or even dying... Which one of them would turn up? What would happen if they both turned up!?

Periodically i get this horrible sick panicky feeling washing over me, thinking "what the fuck am i going to do about this!" But mostly i am just muddling along, waiting for disaster.

I've set the deadline now anyway, not that i ever stick to them. I really ought to do this time though, since i am currently spending Christmas in about seven places...

I will probably be dumped by the time he gets home anyway, since he has taken to spying on me, checking my internet history etc.

Also i am looking for a new job, because i can.

Sigh.

Self abuse

2008-09-28T12:12:00.000-07:00

I can't believe there are still people around who check this site with regularity, given the dire state of my update frequency recently... I'll never know why you're still interested but i suppose i should say thank you.

I also find it difficult to believe just how ridiculous my life continues to be. My depression is worse than it ever has been and i can only honestly blame myself.

I have a beautiful little end terraced house currently in the process of being made mine. I have a boy begging to move into it with me and love me until the end of time. I have my job, which is lovely and some new friends who are equally lovely. In short i have everything i ever wanted, and i'm still not happy.

I'm still not happy because amazingly i'm still letting a certain manipulative controlling, abusive someone have a hold on me and my life, under some facade of loving him and him loving me. I cannot think of a worse person to be with, a less sympathetic, understanding, supportive person, and yet still i think i'd be better off there. Because occasionally he makes me laugh. And he holds me when we go to sleep.

This is why i don't update anymore, because then i'd have to tell you how everyday i think about those pills. Maybe because thats the only way to get his attention. Maybe cos its the only way to make it stop.

Clean slate and all that.

So when i said later...

2008-09-02T13:11:00.000-07:00

I meant much much later, clearly! I can't imagine anyone reads this anymore anyway. In fact i am contemplating deleting it, and starting again. There is so much stuff in here lately which i am quiet deeply ashamed of. Maybe a fresh start is called for.

This would involve sorting my life out however, which as is always the case with me, is much easier said than done.

In happier news, i'm the not so new girl at work now. I can do things. And i get paid. Woop.

I'm sure one day i'll get round to writing a proper update, but right now my head aches.

Zzzz....

Wow...

2008-07-27T04:42:00.000-07:00

I haven't updated for a whole month! Whoops.

Well, i'm still alive. Thats about all i can say for now.

Life is confusing as always.

More later.

Destroy the Spineless...

2008-06-28T05:53:00.000-07:00

I have never been particularly close to my parents, especially not my mother. The majority of my teenage years were spent as her emotional punchbag after my parents divorced, and so i have come to actually loathe her. I have never encountered any one person as petty, pathetic, hypocritical, moody and abusive as she is. Except perhaps my father... The joys of moving back home. But anyway...

So i have survived my first week in the working world. I may go so far as to say i've actually quite enjoyed it. It hasn't been fantastically interesting as i am mostly just doing MLA work for the moment and not even much of that really. It is incredibly frustrating to not even be trusted to put the right labels on the right bottles when you have spent four years studying some fairly complex science at university... But i suppose everyone has to start somewhere... Everyone seems fairly nice and there are quite a few people i can see myself getting on with really well once i settle in better. I am not loving the twelve hour days so much though. I am leaving the house at 6.45 every morning and not getting home until around 7 at night. Its not as tiring as i thought it would be, i seem to have got into a routine already, but i can imagaine after a few weeks it will feel like i am always at work. But for the moment, all is well.

Daffyd is on his way upto visit as i speak. Though it'll be nice to see him, i wish to god he wasn't coming. I'm terrified he will bump into The Boy in which case one of them will end up in hospital and the other one in prison... Sigh. Always so much stress.

Daffyd has very pretty blue eyes, however i think i have finally made up my mind and am preparing my leaving speech.

Eeek.

Loose Women

2008-06-19T04:37:00.000-07:00

Well i am back from my Keele adventures, for good this time. I went back down on Friday to pick up my results- i got a first- oh yes! I'm actually not that excited about that... it probably sounds big headed but i pretty much already what it was going to be. Still it is always nice to have it be official. So now i am a first class Applied Biomedical Science graduate :)

On Friday night Dave and I went out for a meal with Roo and Rob to celebrate, which was a lot more pleasant than i was expecting. It made things with Dave seem much more official, since we are now apparently accepted as a couple. After food, Roo and I went to the cinema to see the Sex and the City film (which incidentally is hilarious if a little cliched...) while the boys went into town to watch some football. Saturday Dave and Roo had the Castle end of season barbeque, which i gatecrashed despite being a Keele player. The rest of the week has been spent mostly just dossing around doing nothing in particular.

And now i'm home again, which is a bit dull really.

Things with Dave are strange. I still don't really know where its all going. Things are periodically lovely, and then awful and i struggle to work out if he is genuinely being an arsehole or if i just can't cope with different-ness of it all. I feel as though i am having to hold back from him slightly sometimes. I don't know how much of the problem is to do with my state of mind. I have unleashed a fair few episodes of hysterical depressive crap on him recently and so to be fair i am lucky he hasn't gone running for the hills... Sometimes i think it just isn't going to work, it shouldn't be this difficult this early in, and that i should end it. But then i look at him and his lovely blue eyes and his occasional flashes of sweetness and affection....

I miss The Boy terribly, which probably isn't helping either.

I am still being "anonymously" abused via David's blog, which makes me so angry i can bearly even see straight. How can these people be so pathetic and so bloody self righteous at the same time! Ele claims to be far happier now than she ever was, as does Dave, so what's the problem? Three months is plenty of time to wallow and while i was originally guilty, sorry blah blah whatever, now i just beginning to lose sympathy with them all, they need to get over it. We came clean, did the right thing, and now we are trying to make the best of a bad situation, and they should do the same. I wouldn't mind, but its not even any of their sodding business- they have no idea what went on! They have no idea who i am or what i'm like, yet still feel they need to judge me for it! I know i shouldn't be letting it get to me, but well, i'm not very good at it. Am i going to be harassed about this for the rest of my life!?

Oh how i wish none of this had ever happened. I would like my old life back please.

Anyway.

Work on Monday, and i am suitably terrified. Noone is going to like me, i'm not going to be able to do the work, i hate being the new person... blah blah usual neuroses. People keep sending me forms to fill in and documents to find and its so overwhelming. I am feeling generally overwhelmed by the whole of adult life at the moment. How am i going to hold down a full time job? How am i going to cope!? I tried to look for a flat the other day and just ended up being overwhelmed (again) by the number of estate agents and properties and... argh. I wish i could just make someone do it for me. Or failing that, stay in bed for the rest of my life...

I think a re-emergence of the crazy pills may be on the cards.

Yawn...

2008-06-12T05:34:00.000-07:00

I'm pretty sure i have about 25 other posts with this title, but at the moment i can't really be bothereed thinking of a more imaginative one. So tough.

I have only been at home for 2 and a half days and i'm already fantastically bored. Daffyd drove me home on Thursday with all my worldly possessions, and was well received by the family, which is always good. We drove back to Keele the same night in order to attend the Bristol tournament this weekend. Which was pleasant enough. KUKC came 4th! Out of 22! Not last! Fucking Christ knows how we managed that, there were some fierce competitors but hey, its a nice end to our season. It always amuses me when good teams lose to Keele. They get so very cross. Castle came third from last, so they were all a little grumpy... The social in the evening was rubbish, and the tent sleeping was worse. But all in all, not a terrible way to spend the weekend. Sunday was spent back in Keele again with Daffyd, and then Monday i came home. Tomorrow i am going back to Keele again to pick up my results and play some more- i can't wait!

I am starting work on the 23rd of June which is terrifically scary.

I can't really be bothered to elaborate more than this... bit of a pointless post really...

Some people just have no sense of irony....

2008-06-03T06:40:00.000-07:00

Daffyd blogs. Its is chronically dull and he is not a very inspiring writer, but thats besides the point. I would give you the link but i don't particularly want him to read my blog, being the honesty pit that it is.

Anyway, recently a couple of "anonymous" commenters have been slagging him off on this blog. Without even getting into the bizarreness of the fact that these people who supposedly don't like him, taking time out of their day to read and then comment these blogs, i find it just a little bit tragic that these people are so pathetic that they don't even leave their name to these insults...

...That is of little consequence anyway, as with a decent bit of stat-counter stalking, people are easily identified...

As non other than two of his ex-girlfriends...

Now, Ele, i can understand. She has been the loser in all of this, and bitterness is only to be expected. The other one however is beyond me... she appears to be slagging him off for cheating on Ele, when strangely enough, she split up with Daffyd after she cheated on him... Hypocritical no?

What makes it even more hilarious is that when these comments are replied to, both Ele and the other ex comment (leaving their names this time), all faux shock and incredulity at being accused... despite the quite, um, blatant evidence that it was them.

Ele now fills her blog with a load of self indulgent shite about being accused of abusing Daffyd, and how in fact it was her being bullyed all these years... not being allowed to wear what she wants or see her friends... boo fucking hoo.

I should feel sorry for her, i know i should. She quite blatantly is still in love with him, or she wouldnt be wasting her time and effort on this. But part of me wants to give her a slap and tell her to get a fucking life. Men only treat you how you let them treat you. And i'm glad to say, if any man told me to go upstairs and get changed after seeing my outfit. i'd tell him to shut the fuck up or get the fuck out.

And if he was such an awful boyfriend anyway, then why the big issue? Why not just be thankful you're out of it and get on with life. Feel sorry for the feeble female he is abusing now. SHE HAS A NEW FUCKING BOYFRIEND ANYWAY!

No, empathy and tolerance are not strong points of mine.

Of course it worries me that a selection of people seem to think Daffyd is the biggest, most arrogant controlling arsehole bastard on the planet. But for now he has done little to make me doubt him. The initial shite was shite, but that was hardly a real life situation, and besides, i got myself into that one. Since things have been official, as it were, he has been the model of boyfriendliness. So for now, i shall give him the benefit of the doubt.

Faster the Chase

2008-06-02T04:23:00.000-07:00

Life has been moving along at a rather leisurely pace since university finished. I have spent my time eating, sleeping, reading non-university prescribed texts (woohoo!), watching Heroes and snuggling up to Daffyd.

Last Saturday was Korf PVP (past vs. present), where a selection of old players came up to uni for a game and whole lot of drinking. I forget who won the match now, no one takes it particularly seriously, I think it was probably the past team though... Sunday there was a mini tournament type thing organised by Castle, which suffered slightly from lack of people to make up teams, and so ended up just being a 3 hour game of korfball… which was a tad tiring! Maz came and crashed on my floor for the weekend, which was cool having not seen her for a long while. Though she does consistently make me wonder how she survives in the real world…

I certainly suffered after my sporty weekend, having not trained for a few weeks!

This weekend was the infamous Castle Tournament. Dave and I got up at 7 on Saturday morning to pack up all the camping and korfing gear, pick up a couple of other korfers from their respective houses and toddle off to the rugby club, arriving at 8. We then spent 2 hours helping to set up, building gazebos, marking out pitches, making sandwiches etc… Thus followed about 8 hours of solid korfing and trying valiantly not to fall over on the Astroturf pitches (read: glorified sand paper), with some intermittent water drinking and sun cream application. The weather was absolutely glorious, despite a pretty unspectacular couple of weeks. As pathetic as my skin is, I was burning through my t-shirt in the 8am sun, so I spent most of the day obsessively slathering on factor 30. As a consequence, I think I am actually whiter now than I was to begin with… ace. In true KUKC style, we came last, managing to be beaten even by the team which was only assembled at Christmas… which I helped to train…

The social in the evening was a good laugh, with a performance from Tom’s band and lots of general drinking and dancing-ness. We crashed out in our tents at about 1am… to be woken at about 5 by a rather impressive car boot sale set up about 100 feet from our tents. Most of us were up by 7, stood outside the tents looking bleary eyed and sunburnt; and making fun of the car boot sale goers and the drunken antics of the previous night. Dave and I packed up and were home for about 9 to go back to bed for a couple of hours. We spent the rest of the day eating, unpacking, eating, generally tarting about and eating…

Dave is in school next week on placement, so I am going to have to amuse myself for a lot of the time. We have spent pretty much the last fortnight together constantly… and in all honesty it has been lovely. At the risk of speaking to soon, things seem to be going really well. I told him I loved him on Saturday night, in our tent, because, well, I do. In my own way, which I suppose will be difficult to understand. His response? “About bloody time, I’ve properly loved you for ages!”

Oh.

I am still getting used to this different kind of relationship- trying to be less clingy and demanding and selfish and unreasonable, not being able to get away with it anymore. Dave is much less tolerant and indulgent of me. He doesn’t worship the very ground I walk on. There is no pedestal for me to sit on here! It’s a little difficult and I don’t altogether like it, but perhaps it will make me a better person in the end? I don’t know. For the most part, there are no issues, and things are just Lovely.

I am dreading the time when I have to go home and be alone. When I am most likely going to realise the enormity of the change, the loss of The Boy shaped comfort blanket, the utter dreadfulness of my recent behaviour, the immersion of myself into another ridiculous long distance relationship which may not even work out because Dave can be an arse sometimes (conveniently forgetting that this is true of all men…) and I am most probably on the rebound anyway… But for now I choose not to face up any of this.

Dave is taking me home on Friday night… which is going to be excellent to explain to my mother… Then we maybe off to Bristol for another Korfy tournament, though I haven’t decided if I really want to go yet. I am of the tendency to wallow, at the moment and tournaments mean effort, even if it is fun in the end.

Plus I have NO money, and a million things to pay for, which is a bit of a bum.

That is all.

Comfortably numb

2008-05-18T16:32:00.000-07:00

Well, i got the job. Christ knows how, i'm certainly not the greatest interviewee ever. But whatever. I am now a trainee immunologist! 60 people applied for that job. 60! They interviewed about 20 i think. And they gave it to me. Me me meeee. Mwhahaha.

The lab itself is really big and specialised. A world away from the one in Stoke. Seems kind of quiet and serious though and the workforce is leaning towards the aged... not sure how well i will fit in, but hopefully it shouldn't be too bad. Its a step in the right direction, if nothing else.

The lab manager thinks i am still at uni (which i suppose technically i am...), so i have a month or so off to doss around now before i can start work. They have references and CRB checks to sort out though, so i don't feel too guilty about it.

I feel far too grown up.

This weekend i went down to London with The Boy and his awful, arrogant, crack snorting, binge drinking bands. The gig was good, but the company was strained so all in all not the best day. And the 14 hours travelling... not so good either. I detest travelling.

I have spent most of the weekend itching to get back to Daffyd. But now it comes to it i desperately miss The Boy.

We all know Facebastard rules the world, and The Boy's "relationship status" is now set as "single" which i guess makes things official.

I would like my old life back please.

Summer is 'ere...

2008-05-14T03:20:00.000-07:00

Wow so I have been pretty lax with my updating again… Not that anyone much cares, I suspect!

I have had a really lovely couple of days. After spending a week at home recovering from the post exam dissertation slog, I came back to uni for Joey’s birthday outing this Friday as promised. I have to admit I wasn’t much looking forward to going, but I ended up having an ace time. I was once again shamed for my frequent episodes of Jo related bitterness by Jo’s boyfriend Dave, who thanked me drunkenly and profusely for coming out, telling me “everyday I hear something about you Rach, I’m so glad she’s got you”.

Bless.

Woke up on Saturday morning feeling massively hungover and spent most of the day tarting around doing nothing in particular. The weather has been glorious for the past week or so, so on Saturday night Dave and Alex built the barbeque in a manly fashion and me, Katie and the majority of the residents of the PGCE block spent the evening eating burgers, drinking alcohol, playing football and just generally enjoying the nice weather. Oh, and talking about being teachers…. (not me and Katie though….)

On Sunday, Dave woke me up at some ungodly hour and we prepared food to go on a picnic. We spent the day at Trentham Gardens, eating, lounging around sunbathing, people watching etc. We had a really lovely time together. Shockingly.

I now have some rather fetching sunburn. Red and white and stripey, it’s a good look.

Monday was another impromptu barbeque, this time with Roo in attendance and yesterday Dave and I spent together doing nothing in particular again….

Anyway. I have now officially finished university. I successfully managed to write my dissertation and some other awful biochemistry literature review thing in five days, so as of the first of May 2008, everything was done and handed in. Finito. Woop. What an immense feeling of relief that was. Though naturally, me being me, the exuberance wore off very quickly, once I got bored of having nothing to do.

So now I have to join the real world. Which is upsetting to say the least. I have a job interview next Friday for an immunology post at a hospital not too far from home. Immunology isn’t microbiology, but it’s always been a toss up between the two disciplines to be fair. I would really really really like this job. So fingers crossed.

In less sensible news, I have no idea who my boyfriend is, and it seems unlikely that I ever will. The Boy and I have been apart for about six seven eight weeks… I don’t even know. Daffyd and I have been “seeing” each other pretty much the whole time since then. Things were a little rough at first and seemed much more difficult than they should have been. I at one point came to the conclusion that things weren’t going to work with him and was going to finish it. But in hindsight, it was a stressful time of exams and work and breaking up with people and rumours and gossiping and… yeah. Whatever. Things started being nice again, I was too much of a chicken to end things and so… it would appear we’re “in a relationship” as Facebastard would say. The thing is, The Boy is still desperate to try things again. I’m in two minds. When things were horrible with Daffyd, the temptation to go running back was immense. I would ring him and we would chat and it’d be nice. Whilst at home last week I spent a little time with him. Things were easy and comfortable and do-able, I suppose. But it doesn’t feel the same. I am terrified by the prospect of not loving him anymore.

There is only one actual solution to this problem, and that is to have neither of them. I am never going to decide who I want and it’s not even fair that I should be allowed to. I always want the one I’m not with and as a consequence am constantly flitting backwards and forwards between them, forming no meaningful commitment to either of them. Everytime I have a nice day with one, I decide upon them… until the next time I have a nice day with the other one… I have possibly managed to build myself the “perfect relationship”. The conversation, laughter and convenience of The Boy, and the sex, excitement and alternate convenience of Daffyd. Of course, if I truly liked either of them, I wouldn’t be able to behave this way, would I?

But being single is not an attractive option. In my head it is a fabulous meld of Sex and The City and Bridget Jones- all expensive shoes and drinking too much wine. But the harsh reality is that I have no friends, no job, no money, nowhere to live and family that annoy me. So…

Am tempted to give things a try with The Boy again. Three years is a long time and its not like I will have lost anything through trying (except Daffyd… but then is he really likely to be a forever thing anyway…?). If only I could make myself feel the way I felt about him just a few months ago. But then I have lovely days with Dave, and I think “this could work, it really could”

That is all.

Day whatever

2008-04-25T09:55:00.000-07:00

So my updating has been lax. I have been overwhelmed by other things.

I have finished my finals now which is one thing. They went with varying degrees of success. Now i have five days to write my dissertation. Which makes my brain go all wiggley if i think about it too much, so i won't.

I'm simply overwhelmed with congratualtions and support from all my so-called friends today.

I really do feel incredibly bad.

Day Three... Is it day 3? I can't even remember...

2008-04-09T11:59:00.000-07:00

So my mind is beginning to unravel slowly. Well i say slowly. I don't know the exact time course of these things. But my head, anyway, its not well.

Yesterday afternoon, around lunchtime, i managed to convince myself fairly successfully, that the logical solution to the whole problem would just be to kill myself. Cue a long internal debate about exactly how painful it would be to slit ones wrists- though why i was thinking that i don't know- i am an immense pain wimp and so any suicidal activity would almost certainly involve taking an overdose. But that seemed less messy and dramatic and tragic and whatever... The semi-logical part of my brain argued however, that after 4 fucking years slog at this degree, i would not be wanting to throw it down the pan 4 weeks before finishing. I would have to do my exams first. But then part of the problem is the sheer volume of knowledge i am having to squash into my brain currently and once exams are over that problem will cease to be in existence thus removing some necessity of the suicidal act anyway...

Then i had a cup of tea and a sit down.

Joey came round last night and beat me senseless for not telling her about splitting up with The Boy before. And she listened to the saga in a typical non-judgemental and blunt Joey way. I was reminded of the reasons i love her so much and shamed for my previous bitterness towards her. In many ways, she is much more like me than Ruth and Katie, and i like her much better for it. We established that i need to make a decision, and stick to it. Which of course i already knew. She seems much more pro-Daffyd than others, for reasons i am not sure of.

Then my man free week disintegrated entirely when Daffyd got back from a Tom's band gig and invited himself round to "see how i was". I resisted for about 30 seconds... but i figured i was feeling better after seeing Joey, so wouldn't be doing much thinking anyway. So he came round and we chatted and snuggled up for a bit, and then he left. AND THEN... i called The Boy... because an "unknown number" had been calling me all evening and it was quite blatantly him, so i thought i'd check he hadn't topped himself or anything. He hadn't. We had a minor chat, despite both of us saying we really shouldn't be talking to each other... He cried a little but otherwise seemed fairly reasonable. I felt guilty. But i didn't miss him. I didn't feel overwhelmed with affection. In fact talking to him reminded me slightly of the way i used to feel about my now Ex-ex boyfriend (who incidentally i have been Facebook stalking recently...) when we split up and he would whine down the phone at me for about 6 months afterwards... But not entirely. I do still love him after all.

Today Ruth was back for a while and so i spent most of the afternoon with her and Katie and periodically Alex. I had a laugh and forgot about things for a while, which was nice.

I may then have spent most of the afternoon flirting with Daffyd via Facebook, which isn't entirely in keeping with the spirit of the week either. He is cooking me dinner tomorrow. Which i will feel ferociously guilty about for a number of reasons: mainly the fact that it is (was) my 3 year anniversary with The Boy. But then i am single now. But... whatever...

I'm really not doing myself any favours...

Sigh.

Home time i think.

Day Two

2008-04-08T06:45:00.000-07:00

So...

Last night i missed The Boy. Painfully.

Today Daffyd has messaged me and i want to see him. Though i am not going to let myself.

The Boy is ignoring my messages. Which is fair enough, i deserve it i suppose. It is (would have been?) our 3 year anniversary on Thursday.

I feel so pressured.

I am going home to make myself a cup of coffee.

Male Free Week

2008-04-07T13:13:00.000-07:00

Day One:

Mood: Confused, tearful, moany...

Nausea Status: High

Boy Contact: Some minor MSNing...

Revision: AMI and breast cancer cases written up

Revision actually absorbed into brain: None....

Vancomycin resistant enterococci, anyone?

2008-04-06T07:26:00.000-07:00

I don't really have anything interesting to say, as usual. But i am shattered and bored of writing out essays to learn.

Yesterday was a fairly surreal day. I can't get used to this new partner business, which is in essence what it is. Daffyd and I went into town for a bit, had some lunch, bought a suit (not me...). Went out for dinner in the evening with Alex and a couple of PGCE girls who i've never met before. They were pretty awful... but it was a laugh nonetheless. Chatted to Alex mostly. He's so funny, i love him to pieces. You can't take him anywhere though. I'm pretty sure the waitress spat in our dinner...

Spent the rest of the day dossing around. Had what i suppose can only be described as a "tiff" with Daffyd. Not even worthy of being called an argument. Just a level of cross-ness. He keeps telling me its normal, i am used to one way of doing things and he is used to another, hence when our ways clash, we need time to adjust to it. Which makes sense i suppose. I just feel a little too fragile to be dealing with having him annoyed with me as well right now. So i went home.

First instinct upon going home and crying hysterically was to ring The Boy and demand affection and attention and sympathy etc. But i restrained myself. It wouldn't be fair on him. It would be pathetic. And getting into the habit of running back to him everytime something goes wrong in a new situation is just not a recipe for success. I rang Daffyd in the end and he came back round. I had a big long cry and a chat, got a few things off my chest and i feel a little better now. Didn't get to sleep until about 4.30am, hence the tiredness.

But I think i still miss the Boy. I don't know.

Daffyd is off playing korfball today. I probably should have gone to watch but i couldn't be arsed. Whoever wins today has won the league, so am pretty sure i will be hearing all about it later.

That's all for now.

An update

2008-04-04T09:58:00.000-07:00

So i haven't updated in a while. A partial combination of business and just general apathy. Now however, i have finals to revise for and so conveniently my desire to blog has been reignited.

Thursday 20th of March was my last ever day of lectures. Which i'm sure i would feel sad about, if i were to think hard enough about it. Now i am currently embroiled in revising for my finals which are in two and half weeks time (and of course my usual petty emotional drama, which i will come to in a minute) and feeling guilty about not having started my dissertation. Thankfully i have a week after exams in which to write it. Its fair to say however, that i'm more than a little stressed.

For continuity's sake i will carry on the story of my relationship disturbance from where i left off last time. Though a fair few things have happened since then.

I told Ruth about my affair with Daffyd. She was unexpectedly fine about it (though is most likely just well concealing her disgust with me, she has very high moral standards). She came to the same conclusion as Katie. That Dave was a bastard, i had been used and manipulated and that i needed to tell The Boy. I still had my misgivings. Mostly due to the fact that Dave was never going to tell Ele, and so i stood to lose everything and him nothing. Which is malicious and pathetic, but well, that's just me. Despite these misgivings, i decided that i would tell The Boy. It was the right thing to do after all.

The day i was due to leave for home, Daffyd told me he wanted to see me before i left. Having managed to successfully ignore him for more than a week, this was unexpected. But i went to see him. And he told me that he had left Ele. Having spent the past week trying to push him out of my head, this news was received with slight confusion. I told him i was planning to tell The Boy about the cheating whilst at home. He asked me where that would leave "us", and i told him i didn't know. Which was the truth.

Silly as it sounds, i was a little annoyed at him for upping and leaving Ele out of the blue. I had spent the week agonising about telling The Boy, and had come to the conclusion of doing it with no reference to Daffyd. Now it was going to look as though i had done it just for him. Which i can assure you all now was not the plan at all.

So i went home with good intentions. The foil in my plan however was that i actually enjoyed spending time with The Boy. He was lovely. We went out, we chatted and laughed and snuggled and even had sex. Things were perfect, just like they always had been. I adored him. And there was no way i could tell this man that i had betrayed him. Because it would destroy him. And i didn't want that. I wanted to be with him. And i knew that i could manage perfectly well to never tell him, if i had to. Becuase i am deceitful like that. So while spending the week in pretence of "i'll tell him tomorrow... i'll tell him tomorrow...". i knew in the back of my mind, that i wasn't going to. And that was fine by me. Dave was in my head a little. But it was nothing serious. I knew i could get rid of it in time.

The day before coming back to university, Dave asked me if i had told The Boy yet. I was forced to admit that i had spent the whole week chickening out. It was then that he told me outright, that he had left Ele for me, in the hope that he wouldn't be the only one single come the end of the week. I had suspected this. But not assumed. He didn't love her after all. Regardless of me. But no, he told me he had changed his mind again, and in order to prove the permanence of his decision to me, he had left her. Rather inconvenient timing, given my recent decision to make things work with The Boy. So now i felt guilty. But nevertheless, resolved to sort things out once i got back to uni. I could explain to Daffyd. It would be fine.

Except i get back to university and Daffyd is there and wants to take me out for dinner and spend evenings with me and cuddle me and kiss me and apparently i want to let him... So despite the shittiness of it all, i come to the conclusion that i am in fact incapable of controlling myself which isn't fair on The Boy and so i phone to tell him i am leaving him.

He doesn't take it well. But as others have said to me, deep down, he already knew. He doesn't want to leave me. He wants to stay together and work things out. And while i want that too, i know i am stuck at university with Dave for another 3 weeks, and i know i won't be able to stay away from him in that time. So i have to force the point. I am leaving you. Which is difficult, when it isn't really what i want.

So now i am single. Except i'm not really. Daffyd is sweetly happy that i have left The Boy. He wants to see me all the time. He holds me and kisses me and takes me out and we sleep together. And he tells me how beautiful i am and how he is happier than he has been for a long time. And how he can't wait for the day when we can be together properly. We are taking it slowly, casually for now. Apparently.

The Boy knows nothing of this. He is desperate for me to come home so we can sort things out. And perhaps i would, if it weren't for my finals. I will never work for them at home and so i am forcing myself to stay here. And the way things are going with Daffyd now, i clearly don't want to sort things out that much.

I don't know who or what i want now or where to turn for the answer. No matter what i chose, someone is now going to get very hurt, because of me. I am so overwhelmed by guilt.

I am starting to miss The Boy a little. I don't know if its genuine or if its loss of the comfort blanket effect. The same as i dont know if the surge of affection i felt for him during that week home was just a clinging mechanism, in the face of losing him imminently. If i loved him so much, i'm sure i wouldn't be fucking Dave quite so frequently.

The Boy managed to track down Ele, like i knew he would. They have been chatting to each other a lot, swapping tales of mal-intent and most likely just making each other feel worse. The general conscensus of their chats is that Dave is a manipulative bastard. The Boy is determined to believe/ prove to me that Dave has powers of mind control and has been out ot snare me from the very beginning. I of course, have been to weak minded and feeble to resist.

Dave is just there. He wants me, and is prepared to wait for a time when he can fully have me. And if the emotion he expresses towards me is just manipulation and using, i would be very surprised, despite what everyone wants me to think.
I have no idea how i would tell him that i had changed my mind and was going back to the Boy. And part of me doesn't want to. Another part of me thinks that any emotional trauma he suffered might serve him right, after the was he initially treated me.

I am inclined to think that by leaving The Boy and sleeping with D, i have already made the decision. I shouldn't be allowed to turn around on it, even though the opportunity has been provided to me. If and when it turns out to be the wrong one, it will serve me right.

I think i am going to spend the week on my own next week. No males of any variety. Perhaps that will make the decision for me.

I might get round to revising for my finals sometime soon.

She moves in her own way...

2008-03-17T08:10:00.000-07:00

So i told Katie. And i feel a little better for it. Her general conscensus was that Daffyd is a giant arsehole who has been using me, which seems to be the general opinion of everyone. Which is partially true. Call me naive, but not entirely.

The thing about telling Katie is that i now need to tell Roo. I don't want to tell Roo, because she will be disappointed and cross and she will think less of me, although she couldn't really think any less of me than i currently think of myself. I also think she will expect me to tell The Boy, and so i really need to decide what i am going to do about him before i tell her.

Katie thinks i should tell The Boy. She also thinks Ele should be told. I am of the opinion that what people don't know won't hurt them. If i can go home for the Easter vacation and convince myself i love The Boy again then i don't particularly want him to know. The decision of whether to be with him or not would be made up for me if i told him. And i am selfish and weak and as unlikely as it seems, i really do love The Boy and so i don't want that to happen. Also, if i break up with him, then Daffyd has won. Because i will have nothing. And he will be carrying on with his little life as normal, with no repercussions or upset. And he isn't worth destroying my entire life over. I also don't think that Ele needs to know. After everything she has been through, i can't see it doing her any good. The only part of me that wants her to know, wants it for entirely vindictive reasons. It would teach Dave a fucking lesson. He would be resolved of all control of the situation then. However, i strongly suspect that Ele would forgive him anyway. Katie seems to think she probably already knows.

I also want to tell Alex. More for a male perspective than anything. Alex is Dave's best friend and knows him better than anyone. I suspect he would be able to shed an awful lot of light on things which Dave refuses to acknowledge. Alex is a lot more perceptive than one would give him credit for. He has cross questioned Dave and Katie on several occasions about what is going on between us. Before anything even was going on... But for Alex to know, Roo would have to know, and then Dave would know that they all know... Which would serve him right to well and truely have lost control of the situation. But also not go very far in salvaging our friendship. Alex would give him a good bollocking. And Dave would assume i had only told them all to be malicious. Which is not entirely the truth....

I am feeling better than yesterday. Two days without contacting him and i am not missing him especially. Yesterday he spent with Ele, and my face was rubbed in it almost constantly with his silly Facebook status updates and the like...

He wants the friendship to go back to normal, but i am not convinced that it will be able to. I told him i needed a couple of days away, which i have had now, but am still not ready for seeing him really. I think i can just about cope with this situation as long as i am not seeing him. Being with him will only stir up a lot of feelings which i am currently working hard to suppress.

Three major things make me not want to restore the friendship: The fact that he quite clearly isn't even a little bit upset about the events of this weekend. The fact that he spent yesterday with Ele, rubbing my nose in it. And the fact that if he really wanted to leave Ele, he could do it now, and it would mostly have blown over by September- when she comes to university.

So answer that, you fucker.

To The End

2008-03-16T04:39:00.000-07:00

No i'm not dead. But my laptop is. There are errors on the hard disc, which is about as wrong as it could go really. After a couple of days of crashing and struggling it finally gave up the ghost on Monday morning, when it refused to even boot up anymore. Thankfully all my work was backed up, otherwise the crying and hysteria which ensued could have been far far worse. RIP little laptop, you are well missed.

Its quite ridiculous how much i rely on the computery thing. I literally cannot do anything without it. No work, no internet, no music, no films... nothing. I have had to become excessively reliant on the library and friends to keep me worked and entertained, which is rubbish to say the least.

Anyway. On to the main point of the day. The Daffyd thing, it would appear, is actually, finally over. No messing about this time. Because i am weak and silly, and prone to taking even the most minor of slights the wrong way, i allowed myself to get back into it, after the argument. Which apparently wasn't really an argument, just him being in a bad mood, inadvertantly taking it out on me, and me being oversensitive about it. We have spent the night together since then, last Thursday. Not to have sex, just to sleep. But the general consensus was that it was still a romantic thing. He went off to London for the weekend for his birthday. When he came back, we seemed to be back into the is it on/ is it off situation, where i agonise over the whole thing for days on end, and he wants to spend time with me, cook dinner together, go out etc but makes no moves to imply we are more than just friends. On Monday i rang him in tears because my laptop had died, and i was panicking and upset. He came over, attempted to fix it, failed, spent a bit of time at mine, claiming he couldn't go home because "it was raining" even though i think we can assume he just didn't want to go. Then he took me to his so i could use his computer to do some work, bought me pizza for tea and then we watched a film with Roo. On Tuesday, i went to the pub with Joey. At the end of the evening i get a text on my phone from him, asking if i fancy a trip to Tesco with him... This text he had sent about two hours previously, but i had only just received because my network reception is terrible in Keele. So i replied to say sorry for not texting earlier and missing the Tesco trip. He replies to say he hasn't been yet, as he has been sitting waiting for me to reply. Which seems a little strange. After all, if he wanted to go to Tesco, surely he just would have gone. Excuses? So i went to Tesco with him, and bought food to cook with him, in return for the pizza. We spend a little time together afterwards, but nothing happens. Thursday he wants me to cook for him, but i have work to do, and Korf training, and he apparently is incapable of waiting an hour to eat, so we don't have dinner together. After Korf, i realise in blind panic that i have forgotten to submit my projects electronically (which you have to, so they can be run through the plaigarism software), which potentially means i have missed the deadline and will have my marks capped. So i have to go to Roo's to use her internet to do this. Except her stupid wireless mouse and keyboard for some reason refuse to work when any USB port is in use so i can't actually get my projects from the memory stick onto the computer. So i have to go downstairs and beg the use of Daffyd's computer and internet again. I go in and do it, and come straight out again. Whilst i am there, he tells me that Ele has got a place at Keele to do her PGCE. I ask him if that is a good thing or a bad thing, and he says he doesn't know yet. Which one can only assume is not a good thing, because otherwise he wouldn't even have to think about it... But i don't get into a discussion about it. I leave. Which i am proud of myself for doing. On Friday afternoon, for the first time in a while, he pops up on MSN and speaks to me spontaneously, without me speaking to him first. I in the process of being cold and bored and pretending to work in the library, and so he invites me round for tea, cos he has "loads of food and will never be able to eat it all" Which wasn't entirely the truth... but hey, free tea. More excuses? For some reason, on Friday, i was feeling distinctly underwhelmed by him. I don't know why. I just didn't feel particularly attracted to him or feel like i wanted to be that close to him. Maybe he picked up on this, i don't know. But he quite clearly wanted something romantic today. He was slowly edging closer to making a move, engineering it carefully. We ate tea, and then watched a DVD. Half way through we ended up snuggling up. Then he kissed me. No asking, or tentativeness. Just full on his face in my face. Which i don't stop him from doing. Naturally. Because really i want it. Although it implies we are back in the realms of are we/ aren't we. I have to leave shortly after, as the Korf Student Nationals were on the Saturday, which involved setting off from Keele at 7am... "Are you actually going to leave?" Is what he said. I don't know what would have happened had i not have left. Saturday i am in Manchester all day, playing at Nationals. I have arranged to have tea with him in the evening when i get back, to finally eat the food i bought for him. He is supposed to be cooking it for me as i have spent 8 solid hours playing korfball, but he is being a bit of an arse when i get there, showing off in front of his flatmates. So i end up cooking most of it. We eat together, and he becomes less of an arse. He is quite sweet and tender and when i am quiet asks me if i am ok and if i am tired. Later in the evening we got to a pub in Nantwich to see a band play who Dave and Alex went to uni with. He had asked me if i wanted to go a couple of days earlier, and i had told him i would go if i wasn't too tired. I purposely don't mention it when i am there with him, leaving him the opportunity to not take me, but he tells Alex and Katie i am going with them, so it appears as though i am going... The gig was cool, the band were actually really good. I spend most of it being impossibly attracted to him. When we leave, Dave drives us all back to his and Alex's, without even asking if i want taking home. So i assume he wants me at his. Katie goes home and Alex goes to bed and Dave says "so what are we going to do for the rest of the evening?" We spend a couple of hours farting about, not doing anything in particular and then its midnight, and he says we need to decide something to do, or just go to sleep. So i ask him what kind of night it is. Because in the realms of Daffyd and I, there are sensible nights, and there are not sensible nights. Its difficult to work out which night is which most of the time. He tells me its a "my girlfriend is coming early in the morning, and Alex knows you are here and hasn't left yet- night" Which is fair enough. But one wonders why we spent so much time together if it was that kind of night. Then he tells me again about Ele, and her newly acquired PGCE place and how they will have to live together next year, even though he doesn't really want her to come and doesn't want to live with her and is dreading next year it means we have to be sensible from now on because leaving her now would make things difficult next year. I tell him that i can't cope with the constant chopping and changing anymore and that i am not having cake and eating it anymore, these are real big feelings i have now and i'm not going to let him do this to me again, because it hurts to much. He might be being sensible now, but how long until he changes his mind again? So he says that this is the final decision. Sensible is the final decision. He is never going to leave Ele, and wants to have time to get over this before he has to move in with her next year. He "doesn't want to hurt anybody" and he thinks i will be less hurt than Ele by being left. So i am being left. Which is fine. It was only ever going to end this way. The minute he told me Ele was applying for Keele, i knew she would get in and i knew he would become more trapped and i knew i would be the one who lost. The thing that makes it hurt the most is that i know he wants what i want, he is just too ridiculous and stubborn and stupid to have it. But he refuses to have any of it. I "couldn't possibly understand" their relationship. No matter that they are both living a sham, it is "making her happy". Curing all her problems. Of course it is. Of course she would be thrilled to learn that her boyfriend has been fucking me for the past two months, and that he doesn't really love her and has in fact just been wasting her life when she could have been out finding someone who really loves her. He told me that last week, he was all geared up to leave her for me, because he thought it was the right thing to do. But then, they went to London together, and it wasn't as bad as he thought, so he didn't... I'm pretty sure that sounded a lot better in his head...

So it is over. Which i might find a little easier to accept if i didn't know that he wants me exactly as much as i want him. He still wants to be friends, to the extent that we always have been. I'm not sure how that will work, since when i'm with him, all i want to do is touch him and kiss him and he tells me he wants the same. But neither of us want to go through some ridiculous charade of ignoring each other for the rest of the year. I am taking a few days away from him anyway. Until i decide.

I am fairly certain i could go home now, and persuade myself to be in love with The Boy again. I don't particularly want to get over Daffyd, and i certainly don't want him to get over me. But the alternative is Nothing. Its never going to happen. He is ditching me, to have a nice cosy life with Ele. There is always a constant in his nice worked out little life, and that is her. I, on the other hand, feel like i have had my life smashed up into tiny little pieces. I am not sure on what basis i can make things work with The Boy anymore. I should probably leave him, just on moral grounds, but apparently i am not big on morality and so will probably stay with him as a comfort blanket. But i'm not sure how long i can do that for. And then i have nothing. I don't have Boy or Daffyd. And he carries on his perfect little life as though nothing ever happened. Even now, as i write this, he is out having Sunday lunch with her, pretending things are nice and normal. While i am alone and hurt.

Part of me wants Ele to find out. If i left The Boy and told him i had been cheating on him, i'm pretty sure she would find out. He can be very vengeful. But part of me wants to tell her. Not personally, but i want her to know. Which is horrible and selfish because she has been raped and self harms and god knows what else and she doesn't deserve to be hurt anymore. But she has a right to know, yes? And i wouldn't be doing it for her, for nobility, i would be doing it for selfish and vindictive reasons. And that wouldn't get me what i want anyway. Daffyd would know what i had done and then he would hate me.

I am so upset, and he doesn't really seem to understand why. Which is frustrating.

I can think of lots of reasons why it is a very good thing that this is over. But right now i can't see past the feelings.

I am tempted to tell Katie about what has been going on. I suspect she would lose a lot of respect for me, lord knows i have lost all respect for myself. But i would have someone to talk and cry to. She could tell me what a cunt he is and how i am too good for him. And things would feel better. I would feel less like cutting myself up. But then i would have to tell Roo. Part of me wants to tell her too. But i don't know. Then they would hate him. Which would be difficult.

In other news. KUKC did not come last at the student Nationals. We came 13th out of 16. We didn't even spend the whole day getting mullered like we did at regionals. Though we lost most of our games and drew two and won one, we only lost by one goal each time. There was no screaming and retribution, possibly due to the calming influence of Jon, our coach who came this time. All in all, it was a fairly pleasant day. And the last time Keele 1 will officially play together as a team. Which is quite sad really. The more i think about these things, the less i want to leave university.

My sister has been dumped by her boyfriend. The last time my sister was dumped by her boyfriend, she slashed her wrists... Don't really know what to do about that one.

All in all i think a negative outcome for the week.

The Definition of Happiness Part 2

2008-03-14T05:17:00.000-07:00

Save the last one...

2008-03-08T06:38:00.000-08:00

I put my ballet shoes on this afternoon. (Yes this is the extent to which i will go to avoid writing my dissertation). I don't think i've had them on since i was about 19, and those bastards hurt after all this time.

I miss being able to dance. The expression, the skill, the cameraderie, the excitement, the awe of others. Even the sewing, the hairspray, the cramp, the lost Saturdays and the panic.

I hate being grown up. Its so restrictive.

Untouchable...

2008-03-07T09:00:00.000-08:00

Woop i'm famous!

I don't play for that team, and that certainly wasn't my first match but whatever.

Guess which is me and which is Daffyd. Should kill ten minutes. I won't give you a prize though.

I am so unbelievably bored.

Bugger...

2008-03-07T03:01:00.000-08:00

The laptop shit itself in spectacular style last night. Taking with it my very recently completed experimental project, plus a number of other semi-important documents... It Blue-Screen-of-Death-ed me, restarted itself about twelve times and just generally refused to do anything useful beyond the start up screen.

Thankfully after leaving it overnight to cool down and have a little rest, it seems to be ok today. It is making some decidedly strange noises however, i think perhaps the fan is fucked. Fingers crossed it will hold out until April... I shall have to be nice to it for a while.

Note to self: I will back up my immensely important university work in the future!

The Definition of Happiness Part 1:

2008-03-06T05:04:00.000-08:00

So You Know

2008-03-05T12:58:00.000-08:00

I don't know who i thought i was kidding when i thought i could get out of all this unscathed. How i thought i was going to be able to cope, emotionally speaking, given my mental fragility... shall we say. How i ever thought it was going to work. I am selfish, and naive, clearly.

And now it has all blown up in my face and i feel like i'm in pieces. It hurts so much, and its nobody's fault but my own.

I can't do the things i have done and not get attached. I haven't got it in me to be the "other woman". Second best, whatever. I want affection, attention, i want more than i feel like i can demand from you, more than i think you are willing to give.

It kills me that you are so distant now. But it stands to reason, now you have had what you want. You were never interested in me, or what i do or who i am. Apparently its been plain for everyone else to see, just not me.

I want to be distant and aloof. But i can't do it. I suspect the knowledge of this only fuels your desire to hold me at arms length. Despite it all, the only person i want to be comforted by is you.

I know i deserve everything i get.

Right now, i can only think of one way to make this stop. But you're not worth it. You'd think it was all about you. And your sense of self importance is big enough already.

Stuff and Fings...

2008-03-04T13:43:00.000-08:00

I am so unbelievably tired. Today, i've had to like, do stuff. Shocking.

I had lectures 9 til 1, and then in the afternoon my IBMS/ HPC registration portfolio was assessed... which took fucking ages. Four hours we had to sit in the undergrad room, pretending to do tutorial work and generally faffing around, while the examiners went through the portfolios sentence by sodding sentence apparently... Though i passed, in the end. So now i can be let loose in the NHS, whoop!

I am still agonising over the Daffyd situation. After our argument on Sunday in which he was incredibly rude and vicious towards me for no apparent reason, i decided i wasn't going to speak to him until he apologised. Despite my inherent obsessiveness, i managed to stand my ground. On Monday, he found a couple of really ridiculous reasons to text me. One nil to me i think. He was his usual infuriating self, acting as though nothing had happened, chattering away. I asked him if he was going to apologise, and he said no, basically. I had another rather nasty discussion, in which he proved what a nasty, manipulative, controlling and self righteous arsehole he is. He refuses to accept any responsibility for upsetting me, and doggedly insisted that the whole thing was my fault and just generally spent an hour implying how stupid and pathetic i was. I was so incredibly frustrated and upset with him, i couldn't even bear to argue with him any longer.

Today i went to Crewe to play a match and generally help coach with the korf beginners from the new C&N club that Roo has set up with a couple of people from Castle. I knew he was going to be there, but at the end of the day, Roo asked me to go, and i'm not going to hide away because of him. I was apprehensive. But he was just acting as though nothing had happened. Simultaneously good, as i didn't have the energy for another argument with him, and annoying, as he knows how much he has upset me this week, and doesn't even have the decency to make reference to it. He didn't invite me to his after, and i haven't made reference to it. I am disappointed, but i know i shouldn't be. It infuriates me that he isn't trying to be with me. I would take great pleasure in being able to cut him down. I sincerely hope he hasn't decided he is being sensible again, and thinks he is holding me at arms length until i get the message. If its over, its over because i say it is, because he is an arsehole, and i want him to know that. I know it shouldn't matter but it does. He thinks i am some needy clingy little bint who will keep running back to him, who he can just charm into bed when he feels like it, and who he can ignore when he pleases. Well i won't be. And he is going to know it.

(Now i just need to convince myself).

(I still miss him and want him. Clearly moreso now i think i can't have him)

God, i am such a fuckwit.

Sleep time i think.

Ten and a bit reasons why it is probably a good thing that Daffyd and I will no longer be sharing bodily fluids:

2008-03-02T17:32:00.000-08:00

And why we definitely will not be tempted to text/ MSN/ ring him tomorrow to unleash a tirade of abuse/ psychosis/ hysterical crying. To be read repeatedly in case of Dave pining emergency.

#1. He is a moody, controlling, manipulative, attention seeking arse, who has quite clearly singled me out as an easy target for his games in mind-fuck.

#2. He makes me feel very small and very stupid. And i am not small. And i am definitely not stupid.

#3. Him and his situation bring out the very worst in me. He makes me paranoid and anxious and whiney and clingy and i lose all ability to articulate myself when arguing with him and just become generally insane. Lets face it, i need that like a hole in the head. I am more than capable of being insane without outside help...

#4. He is apparently, the most indecisive man in the world. One minute he wants me, the next minute he feels guilty and he doesn't. Not that it would cross his mind to actually communicate this to me. No, he would rather hold me at arms length for a week or so and expect me work it out for myself.

#5. He is too spineless and pathetic to leave a relationship he doesn't want to be in, despite claiming to be in love with me.

#6. He has a major league martyr complex.

#7. He seems to think its acceptable to take it out on me, everytime he is suffering from his man period, by talking to me as though i am the piece of metaphorical shit on his shoe.

#8. I will no longer have to risk losing the love and respect of the three people i love most in the world, when they inevitably found out what had been going on.

#9. He is, in fact, quite ugly really.

#10. His penis isn't even half as big as he thinks it is.

#11. I want to be in control of this situation. And i never will be unless i take charge of it now. Even if he comes to me tomorrow, acting as though nothing ever happened, which he most likely will do, i am just allowing myself to be used yet again.

#12. Even though i am a little bit scared that i have fucked things up for good, and he won't come crawling back tomorrow, i know that it is probably for the best. The longer this goes on, the more attached to him i become, and for the reasons outlined above, we quite clearly will never be in a relationship together. In two months, i will almost certainly never see him again. And to be in love with him at that point would be soul destroying.

#13. I miss My Boy. He worships the ground i walk on. He thinks i am beautiful and funny and clever and he tells me so. He wants to make me happy, not mess with my head. I miss the laughter we used to have. I am going to make an effort and i am going to get that back.

#14. This is just about the worst possible time to be distracted from university work by ridiculous emotional turmoil. And he damn well knows it. I'll be damned if i'm going to let him fuck up my degree along with everything else.

#15. I haven't cried over a man since i was about 12... until today...

#16. I can start to pull myself out of this quagmire of guilt and start to rebuild my self respect...

#17. He is probably just using me for sex anyway, and i am too stubborn and stupid to see it.

#18. Now i can go back to only having to shave my legs on weekends...

#19. This evening, for the first time in over two years, i seriously contemplated taking the rest of the paracetemol in the packet. And i blame him entirely for that.

************************************************************

Now i just need to exercise some self control... Help please.

Post Scriptum:

2008-03-01T12:16:00.000-08:00

Oh fuck, its March.

One track minds...

2008-03-01T11:50:00.000-08:00

Yesterday in the middle of a perfectly normal conversation, Roo suddenly demanded to know, rather heatedly, "why do your boobs look so enormous in that top!?" I was forced to reply that i didn't really know.

Later on, Daffyd told me he was in love with my breasts. (Not me now... Just my breasts...)

For the record, my breasts are pretty average. I'm not quite sure why the whole world has developed such an obsession with them this past week... But hey. One day i will be old and saggy. And these conversations will be a comfort to me, i'm sure.

Keele One lost yet another match last night, and so we can now no longer come top of the league. But we came top last year so, its not so bad...

Second team nationals are in a fortnight, and if first team nationals were anything to go by, i am not looking forward to that day...

I stayed at Daffyd's last night, which was a tad risky and i probably won't be doing again. That's one good thing about living in my flat. Noone really cares if i'm alive or dead, and so aren't particularly interested in who is sleeping in my bed either!

I have started my project analysis and discussion today! I probably should feel slightly less stressed now, but i am starting to become aware of the ever expanding pile of other work i have to do in the next fortnight and so it is a hollow victory. I just can't seem to motivate myself to do any work at the moment. I seem to get to this point every year, where i just can't work, and the work that i am doing feels like its utter shite. Third year, second semester is a rather unfortunate time to choke though. Sigh.

Plus usual residual guilt.

Oh, hai!

2008-02-27T13:04:00.000-08:00

This afternoon as i walked up the path to Roo's flat, for tea and sympathy, who should come trotting round the corner but Daffyd, hand in hand with Ele.

A tad awkward since less than 6 hours earlier, i had just climbed out of bed with her boyfriend...

She is exactly like i imagined her, all blonde and bouncing and childlike.

Despite my initial "oh FUCK", i said hello to Daffyd, to ease the tension. He proceeded to ignore me, which made me more than a little cross.

Oh god, i am the other woman.

Earthquakes!

2008-02-27T05:56:00.000-08:00

Are well cool innit. Bless Sleazy and Fishfinger boy. They were full of it last night, the big geology geeks.

I am struggling to do any work, so am skiving as usual. My non-experimental project is about 1500 words over the limit, and i don't have the will to start reading it and cutting things out of it. Don't really know what to do about that. Still no results for the experimental project. Deadline is in two weeks and noone is taking me seriously. I am going to cry, very soon. The Case studies and Biochem of disease assessments are up on the server, so i could do those, but lets face it, i'm not going to. Motivation = come back please.

Dave told me he loved me last night. I don't think i believe him. I think he has feelings for me beyond that of friendship, and doesn't have another more suitable word to describe the in between situation. He is a bit of a closed book when it comes to emotion. He likes to retain his cool and collected exterior, overviewing the situation and making me do the running in the emotional stakes. Some kind of superiority complex perhaps. Which makes me feel rather vulnerable. Last night was a bit of a breakthrough. He told me that when we're not together he is always thinking about me and thinking of situations to get us to be together, and that when he is with me he is happy and wants nothing else. He says i "get him". And noone "gets" him. I asked him if he loved El. His response was to screw up his face and contemplate deeply for a few minutes. Which i took to be a no. But, he is still with the martyr complex. Two more years he says, until she is "normal". He is ridiculous, utterly ridiculous. But there is just no reasoning with him. He is in for a very miserable life, i fear.

In answer to the inevitable question... i have no idea how i feel about him. I certainly don't love him... i have only known him since September after all. But i do feel something for him. Something inappropriate given my supposed relationship status. I also want to have sex with him. A lot. This is the thing that worries me perhaps the most. For at least two years, the thought of sex with The Boy has just made me feel tired. It has been a chore to get through. I do it because i love him, and even though i get little pleasure out of it, its still a physical closeness that is nice to have. But the extent of my unarousal has led me to think on more than one occasion that there is actually something physically wrong with me. And now here Dave is. Last night i wanted to fuck him so badly, it was almost physically painful. We had that adolescent sort of night with lots of kissing and yearning. It was like being 15 again. Which kind of implies that the sex thing is not another addition on my list of crazies, as previously suspected, but an issue with The Boy, or our relationship, or both. Which is not reassuring. But then, its not like it was a big issue before. It upset me on a personal level. But it wasn't upsetting the relationship. I wasn't thinking that i couldn't spend the rest of my life with him because of it.

I'm prepared to accept that maybe the attraction to Dave is more about the drama and the new excitingness of it all. He is new, he is exciting. And i do love the thought of it all going on behind people's backs. Keeping up the normal friendly banter with him in front of our friends, the Korfers etc. Listening to him making jokes about Gill his "fuck buddy". Watching Fake Cough's tragic attempts to flirt with him. And them not having a clue. They think they know something, but really they know nothing. Sitting there oblivious as he holds my hand under the table in the pub, laughing at his "jokes" about fucking me while he whispers the truth in my ear. Its my hair he strokes, my waist his arm is around, my room he sneaks off to when everyone goes home. And yes i should feel cheap and nasty and sad. But when i'm with him i don't. I feel exciting, and excited.

I suppose the proof of the pudding is that when he asks me if i would leave The Boy for him, i overwhelmingly feel panic. I don't know if i do want to leave him, even though i probably should. And i don't know if my feelings for Dave are valid enough, if they are solid for him. The last thing i want is to be screwing over two people in one fell swoop.

I wish i was a better person.

Early morning shenanigans:

2008-02-26T05:37:00.000-08:00

At 5.57am, i attended what is most likely to be my last Keele University fire drill. More annoying than the usual 4am ventures as by the time you get back in you don't actually have much time to fall back to sleep before having to get up again for morning lectures. So am shattered today.

The drill wasn't too bad this time, fairly speedy and the security men and resident tutors seemed marginally less ecstatic at our sleepy misery than usual. Also they just took our room numbers as we came out, rather than doing it register stylee when everyone finally arrives out. Which last time led to the following conversation:

Security Man: 48?

Fishfinger Boy: Yep!

Me: Phil, I live in 48.

FB: Do you?

Me: Yes Phil, all year...

FB: Well where do i live then!?

Me: 49...

Cue me being cross questioned by resident tutors about my fraudulent inhabitation of someone else's room...

As annoying as the drills are, there is a certain amount of camaraderie about them, which you don't often get here. Huddling around in hoodies and pajama bottoms (or whichever piece of inappropriate attire one chooses to don... c'mon guys, you know its not a real fire, you have the time, there's really no need to turn up outside in a pencil case and a flip flop...), chatting to people you would never usually speak to, laughing even though its 6am, pissing it down with rain and you're wearing a Space Invaders dressing gown...

And then its back to bed. To spend the next two hours thinking you have tinnitus, when in actual fact its just the alarm going off in the next block, and then the next block and then the next block.... zzzzzz....

Today i am going to do something productive. I don't seem to have done anything useful for days... I still haven't had my project results validated which means i can't actually analyse them and so my project is at a stand still. I am becoming progressively more annoyed by this, but may be able to get an extension out of it, if the worst comes to the worst. I may start my dissertation.

Tonight i am going to Manchester to see Tom's band play a gig at the Academy, which is quite prestigious so should be good. Gill and Becca are going, more's the pity (miaow!) but Dave is going and Maz will be there so should be good.

I have a feeling Dave is going to have done his usual weekly 180 degree turn today. In which case i will have to unleash my psychosis on him, and it will not be pretty. But i am not going to let him do it to me again, so at least if that does happen, it will mean an end to this crazy situation.

I am on my period, and it hurts. A lot.

That is all.

Great Scot, Marty!

2008-02-25T09:38:00.001-08:00

I've had this bastard in my head for about 3 days now... for no apparent reason:

And now its in your head. Ha.

Life Since Pop

2008-02-24T05:26:00.000-08:00

Yesterday i went round to Roo and Dave's flat for a bit of social activity.

The front door was locked and neither of them were answering their phones so i went to knock on Alex's window to see if he would let me in.

He opened the window, looked me up and down for a couple of seconds and then said "mate, seriously, you have the best tits." Before promptly shutting the window and fucking off.

I never did get in...

On course for disaster...

2008-02-23T17:06:00.000-08:00

There are so many things in my head that i need to write, but i'm finding it hard to find out what they are and put them into some kind of sensible order.

I have had a horrible and confusing week and it is all completely self inflicted.

Last weekend The Boy came down to stay. He is a lot more perceptive than we give him credit for, and seems to realise that there is something not quite right. Though to be fair, my distantness and continual irritation at him probably gives it away a little. The thing about The Boy is, when he senses something is amiss, something he thinks (rightly or wrongly) is jeopardising our relationship, his natural instinct is to cling. I swear there are limpits with less adhesive ability. And he whines. God, how i hate whining. Coupled with the fact that i live in a very small space, and that he hadn't had the foresight to actually bring anything with him to do for the entire week... Well i was horrible to him. An actual bitch.

On Sunday, Daffyd for some reason saw fit to tell Roo about the whole sorry "situation" that has been occurring between us, despite the fact that i expressly told him to Not Under Any Circumstances Tell Ruth, on more than one occasion. I had neither the physical opportunity or emotional capacity to be explaining things to Roo, bollocking Dave and keeping things normal and concealed from The Boy, and as such, spent most of the weekend on the verge of a panic attack.

I was livid with Daffyd. Not only did he choose to break my trust, but specifically at a time when he knows full well that The Boy was here, and i couldn't do anything about it. It seemed to me that he was either a) not as bothered about Boy finding out and leaving me as he claimed, b) deliberately trying to stir up trouble between me and Roo, c) feeling guilty whilst visiting El, and creating some kind of backlash towards me to end things once and for all d) jealous that i was with Boy and he wasn't centre of attention or e) wanting El to find out but not wanting to tell her himself. Though he claimed that he "wasn't doing it to get at me"

I managed to get away and talk things through with Roo, who was understanding and lovely, despite her excessively high moral standards, and i felt incredibly guilty for not just telling her in the first place. She is clearly hurt by the fact that i didn't. We decide that Daffyd is an arse, and clearly the sensible solution to the whole issue is just to ignore him. This is a recurring theme, so pay attention.

Meanwhile i am being progressively more vile to The Boy and eventually have to send him to Karl's two days early, for fear of actually murdering him.

Being the argumentative bint that i am, after Boy left i demanded to see Daffyd for an explanation. He tells me that his weekend with El was horrible and they had an argument, which he was telling Roo about which somehow culminated in him telling her he had feelings for me, because he needed to "vent". He says there was no malicious intent whatsoever. And while everyone has been telling me he is manipulative and controlling and trying to screw me over, i don't want to believe that because it means i am an exceptionally bad judge of character and that he has been out to hurt me all along. So i don't believe it. While i am still incredibly cross with him, i find it difficult to maintain when he sits there so placidly telling me quite simply that i've got it all wrong.

The day after Daffyd cooks me dinner before Korf training. Tired and full of food i fall asleep on his bed. I wake up to find him staring at me.

Later on in the evening i receive text messages from Katie, demanding to know why i am having dinner with Dave when i am meant to staying away from him. (Fucking Alex, the grass). I have to bite my tongue when replying to prevent unleashing a "fuck-off-since-when-do-i-have-to-answer-to-you-i-am-perfectly-capable-of-making-my-own-decisions" type tirade. At this point i realise the increasing potential of this situation to leave me well and truly with nothing. I am lying to my friends and deliberately going against their advice, when they only want me to do the sensible thing and not make a complete fuck up of my entire life.

Dave is upset that Roo and Katie are now not speaking to him because they think he is screwing me over and trying to stir up trouble between us all. He seems to think he is going to be taking it out on me. I feel guilty only momentarily. He did, after all bring it on himself. I did warn him not to tell Ruth. After the Katie texts, he decides the only way to deal with the situation is for us to ignore each other. Or as he says, i am going to end up having to choose between him and Ruth and Katie. Again, this seems like the sensible thing to do. But in my fragile mood, i refuse to have any of it. I can't face losing him just yet. He concedes that it wouldn't make him that happy either.

Yesterday was a Korf match day. (Incidentally, we didn't lose, but we only drew, which doesn't bode well for our place in the league). Dave ignored me for the entire match. After we all went to the pub and actually ended up having a really good laugh. Dave suddenly was speaking to me again. After the pub, prompted by him, i went back to his to get painkillers for a headache i mentioned earlier in the evening (a rather inventive reason for invitation on his part i thought). Things did not take a sensible turn.

It must appear that i am being used, or screwed over, or whatever. That i am a naive and silly little girl. But i know he genuinely does have feelings for me. He is just stubborn, and confused. Which i can hardly aberrate him for, when i am exactly the same. And as last night proved, i can play him quite effortlessly at his own game. I can engineer the circumstances just as well as he can, no matter how many times he tells me its finished and he is being sensible again.

I am quite terrified by this whole situation. The only time i don't feel anxious about it is when i am with him. Maybe i am clinging onto some small sliver of hoping that he is going to leave Ele. Though if i am honest, i'm not exactly sure how the hell i would react if he did.

I'm not going to let this carry on for very much longer. I don't know how much longer. Only that it has to be me who decides. Not him.

I am afraid of having to leave The Boy. There was never any question of not loving him until this all started. But i don't think things will ever be the same with him now. My continuing irritation at him makes me feel as though i am beginning to love him less. By losing him, i am losing a future, as well as a past and present. It really would represent the total degradation of my entire life. But apparently i am not prepared to lose Daffyd either right now.

This is all so incredibly ridiculous. I'm ashamed to even write it.

Come Alive

2008-02-20T14:40:00.000-08:00

I always imagined that if i got pregnant at an inconvenient time then i would quite easily be able to have an abortion. Just because i am selfish and ambitious and i have a defined plan of my life, and babies before the age of twenty five don't feature in it. I am not overly emotional and am very sensible about these things and thought (naively, i suppose) that something like an abortion would never phase me particularly.

Recently i started to think that i were to fall pregnant now, there would really be no excuse to have an abortion, since i am not ridiculously young, i am in a loving relationship and my degree is nearly over. It would be incovenient, and expensive. But not life destroying. And compared to the years of mental anguish and guilt presented by having an abortion, having a baby would be amazing.

My Biomed Case Study this week is about teenage pregnancy. Cue lots of unpleasant reading about abortion, and abortion techniques. Some of these things make my stomach turn and my heart ache.

I'm not going to go all crazy and Pro-Life on you all, but i can honestly say i would never be able to bring myself to abort a child of mine now.

Self Preservation

2008-02-16T09:58:00.000-08:00

"Don't leave the one you love for the one you like. Because the one you like will leave you for the one they love"

Seems particularly apt.

Ok, cross that out...

2008-02-15T07:32:00.000-08:00

Its difficult to write this without sounding bitter and twisted, so i'm not sure i'm even going to try.

Predictably, Jo got her trainee microbiologist post.

Because Jo is pretty and smiley and nice and chatty and everyone loves her within seconds of meeting her and it wouldn't have mattered if anyone had bothered to tell me about the sodding post because i wouldn't have got it anyway because noone likes me because i'm shit.

Clearly.

I will probably get my first and she probably won't and yet i will most likely have to spend the next ten years sticking labels on bottles waiting for a decent fucking job to turn up while she quite nicely lands a job ten minutes away from her house, first time.

When the fuck am i going to land on my feet?

Excuse me while i go and kill myself.

Make a note, i am in a good mood!

2008-02-15T05:02:00.000-08:00

And it doesn't happen very often!

Got my Clinical Pathology exam result back today... 90 fucking percent- whoop! Not too shabby, especially since i only did three days revision for it!

The Neuroscience ones are not out yet. They are being remarked externally as Knobface head of the module gave out such harsh marks for the essay (though not mine...)and people were complaining about him. I did three weeks revision for that one, but i'm not holding out for an amazing result particularly.

On Wednesday night i received a highly inappropriate Valentine's gift from an even more inappropriate source. So i guess you could say, being sensible isn't working out that well.

And now maybe i should be wallowing in guilt and shame and self loathing. But i'm not particularly. So fuck off.

Hello, sunshine.

2008-02-11T07:30:00.000-08:00

It is frosty and freezing, but the sky is clear and the sun is out. And the people of Keele appear to have developed some temporary sunshine induced insanity. I saw a guy walking into town earlier in some cut off trousers, t-shirt and sunglasses... When will these people learn! Sunshine does not equate to warmth. Particularly in the English midlands...

I think i might be getting better! Whoop! I'm not going to speak to soon though...

This weekend at home has been strained and not altogether pleasant. I think i have managed to hold it together just sufficiently to keep The Boy happy.

I haven't seen Daffyd now for four days and haven't spoken to him for two. The last time i did speak to him he was particularly vicious towards me, apparently due to some supposed slight which i thought we had already dealt with. I suspect his behaviour was an attempt on his part to sabotage the friendship in order for him to cut ties, forget about me and carry on as normal. Or that he was jealous that i was at home with The Boy. Or maybe i am just being presumptuous and he was just in a bad mood like he said. He did apologise at least. I'm not sure how things stand between us right now.

Now i really, really need to go and do some work.

Sigh...

2008-02-07T16:30:00.000-08:00

I know i'm doing the right thing.

So why do i feel so ridiculously upset about it?

Anyone would think i had feelings for him.

Okay:

2008-02-07T06:02:00.000-08:00

The time has come for this insanity to stop.

Dave and I had another, much longer conversation last night, he finally admitted he wasn't happy with his relationship, and it has become increasingly clear that this thing between us is going to get exceptionally out of hand if it isn't nipped in the bud right now.

There is nothing intrinsically wrong with my current relationship with the Boy (apart from, i suppose, the fact that i seem to seek the attention of other men...) I have not spent the last three years striving for the day when we can have a happy normal relationship which isn't defined by the constraints of university to throw it down the drain just as we are reaching the last hurdle. I can't imagine a scenario where i am going to leave Wayne for Dave, and he sure as hell doesn't have the guts to leave Ele, so there is no point in even continuing to agonise ourselves over this.

I highly suspect this is a case of Dave wanting to have his cake and eat it. Or i am just a symptom of his unhappiness with Ele. Whether intentionally or not, he is manipulating me.

For once in my life i am going to listen to the sensible people. I'm just not going to see him alone anymore. This has only been going on for a few days, its not that serious, it will fizzle out in time. Its not something either of us particularly wants, but its what needs to be done.

I don't know who i think i'm trying to kid.

I'm going home tomorrow anyway, so i won't be seeing him again until Tuesday even if i wanted to.

God, i feel so ill.

Oh God, how do i get myself into these things...

2008-02-05T17:17:00.000-08:00

Dave and I talked about the weekend tonight, briefly.

I asked him outright if his affection was a half arsed attempt at "counselling" me and he said it wasn't. He said he didn't feel like he had to, and therefore we should deduce that he did it because he wanted to. He liked it.

I said i kind of wanted to, too. I liked it. Though neither of us should be liking it.

He said that there was obviously something between us. Which i can't deny. I asked him what that meant. He said he wasn't the cheating type.

Slightly offended at the implication that i was the cheating type, i told him that neither was i (though that may not strictly be true...)

We wondered what this all meant.

He said, at school, there is a poster, with the saying "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take" And at the moment, he was just trying to work out what that meant.

I told him to let me know when he found out.

FUCK.

Matthew and Daffyd

2008-02-03T05:45:00.000-08:00

Once upon a time, i had a guitar teacher called Matt. He was all dark and brooding, angular and indie. A bit alternative. He was interesting, thoughtful and had the kind of dry, subtle sense of humour that i love. He was, in essence, exactly the sort of man i always wanted and thought i would be with. I was attracted to him initially, though it was nothing serious.

As time went on, we got to know each other better and we became good friends. I developed a bit of a crush on him. This crush turned into one of those breathless, obsessive, all consuming things. I began to persue him, engineer circumstances to get close to him. It worked, sort of. We spent a night together. Not having sex, or even kissing properly. Just snuggling up, i suppose. He got the picture anyway.

The only problem with all this, is that at the time i was in fact two years into a relationship with The Boy.

For a little while, i lost my mind, and it appeared i was actually going to give everything i had built with him up for Matt.

Of course, Matt turned out to be even more weasely and conniving than i was being, and all thoughts of friendship, never mind a relationship went down the drain.

I told The Boy, because i was consumed by a nervous guilt. I don't know who i thought i would be making feel better by telling him, but i did anyway. It was horrible for a while, but it worked out in the end. I've subsequently managed to convince myself that it was an exercise in getting even if nothing else, after an incident earlier in the relationship... which is a whole other diary entry...

So, i suppose, if you believe in the phrase "once a cheater, always a cheater", then i am in fact a cheater.

Now onto Daffyd. Dave has never really tried to make any secret of the fact that he would dearly love to shag me senseless. He tells me how beautiful and funny he thinks i am on many an occasion.

Now, we all know how anorexic my self esteem is. I spent a very long time being very unattractive and being told what a horrible nasty person i was, on a daily basis. Even now, i find it very difficult to believe people when they tell me they think i'm good looking, or that they like me for x/y/z reason. But i enjoy the attention. I enjoy Dave's attention. Perhaps i feel the only way i can now compound my self esteem is from male attention. I don't know.

Recently, i've found myself being increasingly attracted to Dave. It might be the attention, i don't know. He is a nice enough guy, funny, reasonably looking.

On Friday night, Ruth, Dave and I went to the Sugar Mill to see a friend of ours' band play. After the gig, we all went back to Roo's and chatted for a while. After Roo went to bed, Dave and I went down to his room, since neither of us were tired, and sat up chatting until about 4am.

On Saturday morning, i went round to Dave's take a hoodie back that he lent me to walk home in. Due to my continuing illness and boredom, and the fact that both Roo and Katie were both away, i ended up spending the whole day, and most of the night with him.

Today i went to Kidsgrove to watch the Korf match, as i was too ill to play. Afterwards i went back to Dave's flat to see Roo. Roo wasn't in, so i ended up going down to Dave's room and spending another four hours with him. Then we went out to the Union to watch the Open Mic night, with a few of the Korfers.

All in all, i think i've spent about 25 hours with him over the entire weekend.

Dave snuggles up to me. He strokes my face and my hair and puts his arms round me. And i let him. And now i feel intensely guilty.

Its not so much that i think i'm cheating. We are good friends after all. There's nothing wrong with being affectionate. But its definitely double standards. If i knew the Boy was doing the same thing with another women, i'd be pretty upset. And its not the fact that we did it, its where it might all be leading that worries me. I'm not known for my self control.

Dave has a very strange relationship with his girlfriend. A few years ago, she was raped. Dealing with it led to self harming problems, anorexia, bulimia, alcoholism and being a beaten girlfriend. She latched onto Dave, and he took it upon himself to "cure" all her problems by acting as her personal counseller/ psychotherapist. They got together when Dave decided one day that they should, just to stop her from dating other violent men. He told me that he loves her and he has accepted that their relationship is forever now, he feels personal responsibility for her as apparently she has none for herself and ending it would result in her committing suicide. Even if he didn't love her, he would feel personally responsible for her death, and so would never leave her. Which seems a very bizarre set- up to me. I have heard previously from other friends that she is reknowned for her attention seeking, and suggestions that some of her problems are more like "problems". I don't think i am jaded enough to believe that someone would be capable of making all those things up though. I highly suspect he isn't as happy with her as he claims. I know for a fact that he used to have a slight infatuation with Ruth, and went as far as to ask Katie if she thought he had any chance with her.

Dave seems to now have an image of himself as the world's personal counselling service. I'm not sure if thats what his attention to me is- counselling. If he's doing it because he thinks i need it. Or because he wishes i was Ruth. Or if he wants it.

It shouldn't really matter to me, should it?

My attraction increases, and this really smacks of a "Matt-situation".

Am i really going to betray the person who loves me, for a second time? Am i really that selfish and immature?

I really dislike myself sometimes.

Oh holy mongoose!

2008-02-01T07:48:00.001-08:00

Its February!

My projects are due in on the 13th of March, which is in 6 weeks...

The last time i checked, the 13th of March was about 5 months away!

Bugger.

I went to the doctor today about my poor stomach. He seemed unimpressed. It appears i may not have AIDs/ cholera/ noravirus/ concealed pregnancy... as previously suspected.

The Boy is annoying me. He is sulking because i told him off for not going into work again today- apparently the tendonitis in his groin is playing him up. Something about his current workplace makes him a little bipolar, one minute he loves it, the next minute he hates it and wants to leave. He is currently in a hating phase. The company however, adore him, and are pretty keen to promote him to management. I think the shop had a bad week last week and now his manager is taking it out on him. He has been accused of taking a step backwards recently, which presumably means his promotion is drifting out of view... Being off "ill" constantly (i.e. twice a month) isn't going to be helping his case. He has an awful track record of never staying in a job longer than a couple of years maximum; something always seems to go wrong and he is "forced out". I have always been sympathetic in the past, but it has been in the back of my mind that as the only common denominator, perhaps the problem lay with him. Surely its going to get to a point where noone wants to employ him? But i'm a nice, supportive girlfriend, so i never said. I'm thinking it again now though.

I could be incredibly premature and bunny boiler-esque and say: "Oh my god, how is a man who can't keep a job for five minutes going to support me and our children for the rest of our lives!?"

But i'm not. So i won't...

In Other News...

2008-01-31T06:26:00.000-08:00

Letters to Hell...

2008-01-30T12:59:00.000-08:00

Dear Fishfinger Boy,

firstly let us get one thing perfectly clear. Fishfinger boy is not an affectionate nickname on account of an amusing penchant for fishfingers on your part. You are Fishfinger boy on account of the fact that you have all the personality of a semi-defrosted one.

Now to the main point of our correspondence. I am sick and tired of having to dig six months worth of your dirty festering crockery out of the sink, everytime i want use it, due to your apparent clinical aversion to washing up. Sort it out, you lazy, scruffy twat!

Also, i don't like having to stay awake until 2am listening to you and your irritatingly whiney girlfriend having bad geek sex, six inches away from my head. Its just wrong!

************************************************************

Dear Pompous Arrogant Knobface living in the room formerly known as Andy's,

Surprisingly enough, i am not deaf. If you are going to whisper about me to your exceptionally plain girlfriend... at least wait until i have left the kitchen!

************************************************************

God, i hate communal living.

That is all.

Bleeurgh

2008-01-29T13:46:00.000-08:00

Good God i feel poorly. I swear i have been feeling sick for about six weeks now. I hate being me. (And no, i'm not up the spout, before anyone says anything).

I think i am just going to give up eating. I am clearly allergic to it.

Happily, i didn't get the Vomit-y dissertation title. Mine is about Anorexia Nervosa, which should be interesting.

I'm stuck with my Non-experimental project. Which naturally means i am pratting about on the internet waiting for some divine intervention, rather than actually working on it. I'm not stuck as such. I just have too much information in too many different papers, and keep forgetting what i read and where i read it and having to go through all the papers over and over and over... I could just make notes on the damn things but that would be far too sensible. My brain is in no mood to be making logical sense of things right now.

I just wanted to moan really.

Alone again...

2008-01-27T13:06:00.000-08:00

Boy has just left for home, and i feel an overwhelming sense of loneliness now.

These ridiculously short visits are no good. I didn't even miss him that much before, but now i have seen him, and he's gone again, its a bit gut-wrenching... :(

Last night was good fun, even though about an hour before we were due to go out, i started feeling incredibly ill, and as such was highly dubious about eating or drinking anything for most of the night. Still, the company was excellent.

I went out for lunch with Daffyd earlier in the week, and have been feeling distinctly off colour ever since. I think perhaps i have had food poisoning from the pub. I suffer from emetophobia
and the thought of being sick is so incredibly hideous and panic inducing to me that i have actually managed to train myself to just not be sick. Ever. Which sounds good i suppose, but in fact it means that bugs i catch linger for weeks on end while my body tries to fight them off or they work their way out of the other end... Whereas someone less freak-ish might just throw up and feel better within the day. Hence the sudden emergence of illness last night anyway. A bottle of red wine and a chicken Bhuna seemed to cure it after a while anyway...

The new guy living in Andy's room is a bit of a pompous arse.

That is all.

In other news...

2008-01-25T15:26:00.000-08:00

I have had a very busy and productive first week back. Well busy by my standards, not by a normal person's...

I have had lectures and tutorials and project meetings... I have revised my opinion on GH slightly. He is still incredibly annoying and ineffectual, but the levels of hatred towards him have subsided a little, and i am feeling less stressed out about the whole lack of meaningful project results thing. The general opininon is that rubbish results means lots of things to moan about in the discussion section. So i guess i'll have to go with that.

I have finished my registration portfolio and handed it in. I don't care if GH wants me to do anything else to it now, quite frankly i never want to see the damn thing again.

I have started writing my non-experimental project! Its coming along quite nicely so far, although i am quite blatantly going to max out the word count...

I have chosen my dissertation titles and handed in the request form. I doubt there was much point in bothering, since the usual favourites will get their first choices and the rest of us (i.e. me) will end up with the crap that is left. Though to be fair, there wasn't an awful lot to go on to begin with... I give you Exhibit A:

Vomiting- A valuable defence, or just an irritating symptom of disease?

I ask you. Who the hell wants to write five thousand words about vomit? Oh the joys of Biomedical Science.

I bet i get that one. I bet you.

The Boy is coming down tomorrow! I can't wait. Birthday Celebrations Mark Two are occuring tomorrow night. Boy, Katie, Maz, Ann, Dave, Joey and me are going for a curry in Newcastle. I am really looking forward to it. I think this is the first time in about three years that i have organised something and people have actually bothered to come. Maz is down from Manchester for the weekend and is staying with Gill. Hence i am recieving substantial guilt trip from her about not inviting Gill to come too. I admit it is a little awkward for her, but i'll be damned if i'm going to invite Gill when can't fucking stand her! Plus if she came then the whole sorry Korfing Crew would have to come. And then i would have to drown myself in a Korma or something.

They are such hypocrites. They never bloody invite me anywhere (not that i'm bothered, i wouldn't go because i can't stand them... but thats not the point!) I could drop down dead in my room and not be seen for weeks and Phil and Mike wouldn't notice. And Gill and Fake-Cough are just plain ignorant. I don't know how Gill has the cheek to expect to be coming. But anyhow...

I korfed tonight. Only for an hour, thankfully. Exercising was a bit of a culture shock after all the time off i've had. During training, i managed to bang my head twice, doing exactly the same thing both times... As if i didn't feel bad enough already... I think i am probably concussed now...

Mum is nagging about when i am going home again already. Which confuses me slightly, since she never seems that interested when i am there. Sigh.

I don't really have anything interesting to say, so i'm going to stop now.

Black Dog

2008-01-24T14:57:00.000-08:00

A little while ago, someone directed a comment at me, which has been playing on my mind ever since.

It went along the lines of "depression is a disease that you never recover from, get back on the medication"

For as long as i can remember i have been unhappy. My parents both abused me, emotionally and to a certain extent physically, at various points throughout my youth. It never really registered that they had done any lasting damage. I've always seen myself as just not a very cheerful person. Some people are cheerful a lot, and can see the bright side of life. Some people get angry and stressed and dwell on the negative points of life. That's just the way it is.

The thing about negativity is that it accumulates. Irrational and derogatory thought patterns are easily fallen into. And once you're in that place, you become vulnerable to all the mind-fuck the world cares to throw at you.

About two years ago, i came to realise that the state my head was in at that point in time, life was literally not worth living. Bullying is unpleasant from anyone. But the bully in your head is the most vicious and relentless of all, and mine was working overtime. I had always thought that depression was something other people had. I thought that if i told someone i was depressed, they would laugh in my face and tell me to stop being a silly little girl, that only grown-ups had depression. To a certain extent, i still fear that reaction, particularly from my parents.

In reality, noone laughed in my face. Doctors were helpful and sympathetic and friends were concerned and upset. I took the antidepressants and i felt better. My little pool of serotonin filled up again. After about a year, i stopped taking them.

Some people think antidepressants are dangerous, addictive, mind altering drugs, which have no place in the effective treatment of mental illness. Other people apparently think they are an emotional crutch.

I think antidepressants have a perfectly valid role in the treatment of mental illness, and their use shouldn't be discounted because of public misconception and hysteria. But i don't think that a diagnosis of depression should necessitate a lifelong prescription. This notion that depression can never be recovered from seems incredibly defeatist to me.

I for one certainly don't intend to spend the rest of my life being a slave to my serotonin levels. The thought patterns, they still need work. But its do-able. Sitting back and saying "oh well i'm depressed now, thats it forever, pass me the pills". Just seems a little strange to me.

I know i don't make much sense. Feel free to contradict.

Airheads are us...

2008-01-24T08:09:00.000-08:00

Jo said to me today:

"I hope i get an interview for that Microbiology post... i've seen some really nice trousers and a top on Asos i could get for it... *squeal*..."

Yeah 'cause, you deserve to get the job...

Bitter, moi?

Two Little Ducks...

2008-01-21T16:06:00.000-08:00

Well, i'm back at University. Which, when all is said and done, isn't so bad really. I have my own nice tidy room, a clean, non moulding bathroom... i can go to bed when i want, and not when my 26-going-on-60-boyfriend decides he is tired... and i can start to get on with some of the work that has been playing on my mind for the past month and a half. I don't know who i think i'm kidding when i take work home to do. I never do it. Ever.

I'm lucky to have got back at all today. Being the hyper-organised being that i am (pfft), i predicted flooding related train delays, and decided to consult the fountain of knowledge that is the National Rail Enquiries website prior to commencing my journey. Feeling highly superior, i carefully selected a non-flooded route and trotted off to the station.

Well. The National Rail Enquiries website LIED. The bastard. Which lead to a four hour, excessively watery journey, highlights of which included a long cold stay in Huddersfield and a magical mystery tour of Manchester. Sigh.

I arrive back to discover that the cleaner wants to clean my room again... she has cleaned it 3 times since i left for Christmas, i have only been back for four days since then- how dirty does she think i am!? And rather more excitingly that Andy and Heather have split up and Andy is in the process of moving out. I can't say i didn't see it coming. They have only been seeing each other about nine months, which by my calculations means they must have agreed to move in with each other having being together only three months. Its a pretty big strain for such a young relationship i would think. Particularly since they seem to have spent every waking moment together, since i've known them anyway. I get the impression that Heather doesn't really have any of her own friends, so they always socialised together. They even do the same course! I think its a credit to them they've managed to refrain from murdering each other for this long. The atmosphere is a tad frosty at the moment, so i gather it wasn't an amicable split. Andy has managed to swap rooms with one of his friends downstairs, which is incredibly generous of his friend i think. Hopefully he will be a decent enough guy to live with. I think i am going to make more of an effort with Heather now she isn't going to be glued to Andy 24/7. I felt guilty about intruding on their couple time before... But now i suppose she will be needing a friend. We shall see anyway.

Yesterday was my birthday, and i think i am now past the stage of being able to convince myself i'm still a teenager. Twenty two is far too grown up. I was eighteen when i met the Boy, all young and nubile... everyone wants an 18 year old girlfriend! I asked him if he still loved me as much now i am 22 and old. He said he did :)

The Boy did indeed buy me a stuffed creature for my birthday, but it is very cute so i think i will forgive him. He also bought me underwear and perfume (the exact same perfume that his parents bought me for Christmas, so now i am going to be bloody swimming in the stuff... i ought to be cross with him for not paying attention, but i just can't bring myself to be... It is very nice perfume at least). Mum restocked my bra collection for me, in order to accommodate my rapidly expanding bosom. Though i say rapidly expanding, i have in fact been wearing the same size bra since i was about 13, so its probably been coming on for a while. I have now achieved my favourite cup size now anyway! I threw some of the manky old bras away today. She also bought me some socks, which is a lot more exciting than it sounds. Previously i had a grand total of zero pairs. I will have to get back into the habit of wearing them.

The Boy and I went ice skating for my birthday which was hilarious... Somewhere along the line, ice skating has apparently become a past time of choice for Chavs... in Bradford at least... and they are surprisingly talented at it! We, however, were not. After a good half an hour clinging onto the barrier of the ice rink, Boy falling on his backside and me accosting some old man... we finally got into the swing of things. It was great fun, and loads better when the majority of the people buggered off home, leaving the rink a little emptier. Rather fittingly, when we got home that Celebrity Dancing on Ice thingy was on so we ended up watching that for a while. Subsequently, ice dancing has been added to my list of things i am going to learn to do when i have money and things... I'm not sure Spencer and Poppleton will be up there with Torvill and Dean for a while yet though...

I should be going to bed now- i have a 9am lecture tomorrow- madness! I don't think i have seen two 9 o'clocks in one day for about two months. Though I always sleep really badly for the first few days back in my own bed, so i probably won't bother going for a while. You would think i'd sleep better without the snoring, farting, cover stealing, space hogging lump beside me, but no. That's not how it works apparently.

Don't read it, just don't.

2008-01-18T07:32:00.000-08:00

Or: Ten Things of Current Annoyance:

#1 I am made to feel about as welcome as an infestation of cockroaches in my "family home". I'm not allowed to eat anything, i'm not allowed to use the washing machine, i don't have anywhere to sleep, i'm not allowed a pillow... My loving family do nothing but argue and snipe at each other, and bearly speak to me half the time. Handy parenting tip a la Rachael: want to get rid of your eldest child? Move to a house with one less bedroom, while they're away, so they can't come back home, even if they wanted to! Yes, i'm 22, yes, i'd rather poke out my own eyeballs than move back into this house, but just being asked, would have been nice. Quite how this plan of my Mother's would have worked out had i not been in a semi-serious relationship with the Boy is beyond me. I strongly suspect i would have been living on my own come Summer 2008. My sisters who i am supposed to be close to, act as though they are members of some private club- the membership of which is excluded to me. I spend half my life feeling guilty about not being at home enough, spending too much time with the Boy and for what. Well i'm giving it up. From now on, i'm just going to do what i want to do, instead of what i think i should be doing, and maybe then i might be a bit happy once in a while.

#2 My Mother's "work mates" spying on me via Facebook, with me being subsequently cross questioned about said Facebook page. Excuse me? Bearing in mind, i have never met these men, i have no idea who they are, they as far as i am aware have no idea who i am, does noone else find this a little suspect? Euch. I am so unbelievably annoyed about it, i can't even think of anything else to say.

#3 University, and its many sub-categories. I have an ever increasing pile of work to do, and an ever decreasing amount of time to do it in. I just can't motivate myself to do anything this week. I was meant to be starting my Non-Experimental Project and finishing my registration portfolio this week... but i haven't...

#4 My Experimental Project. Three months working in that hospital. Three months, and i have 19 results. I should have 60. Not only do i only have 19 results, but i only have 19 completely irrelevant results. The samples are from the wrong people, in the wrong place. Because the right people in the right place can't be arsed to pull their fingers out and spend an extra 36 microseconds with a patient, just to help me. And my so-called project Supervisors, what are they doing to help? Well i'll give you a clue... it starts with FUCK and it ends in ALL. GH really is the most ridiculous, lazy, incompetent TWAT i have ever had the misfortune to come across. I can't stand him. So, no project. Or should i say, a totally pointless and irrelevant project. Excellent.

#5 GH is my Case Studies in Biomedical Science tutor this semester. As if i don't already see enough of him. Joy!

#6 Jo. Jo is my best friend and i love her. But Jo was sent to try me, i swear. With her perfect skin and impeccable dress sense, generous parents and bodybuilder boyfriend, brazillan waxes and fabulous sex life.... the list, it goes on. Jo with her amazing innate ability to always land on her perfectly shod little feet. This time last year neither me nor Jo had been given final year project titles because of the almighty departmental cock-up, which meant picking from the dregs that noone else wanted and failing, or not doing a project, and er, failing. Did Jo use her initiative and go and find herself a project within her hospital? No, but i did. She sat back and fluttered her eyelashes, doing nothing in particular, and somehow ended up with a custom made project from one of the most popular Supervisor's in the whole department, in one of the most interesting and competitive project areas. She has finished her project work. I am stuck with a worthless piece of crap, a prat of a tutor and no results. Christ knows when i am going to finish it. Now, she has landed herself a trainee BMS job. Not just any trainee BMS job, but the trainee BMS job in Microbiology that I wanted... She hasn't strictly been offered it yet, but who are we kidding, this is Jo... of course she'll be offered it. It'll be fabulous and i will have to spend the next 12 months hearing about how much so, whilst i'm scrubbing floors in McDonald's toilets... What makes me doubly annoyed is the fact that i have never even heard about this vacancy! GH is supposed to be the liason between the hospital and the university, and yet surprise surprise, he didn't know anything about it... Its an internal vacancy at my hospital, which Jo's supervisor from her hospital somehow found out about, and told her to apply for. Since GH is so fucking useless, noone else will know about it so its pretty much in the bag for her. Of course, there's no reason why i couldn't apply for it now, but Jo would never speak to me again if i got it and she didn't. So...

I know i'm only being bitter and twisted. I hate that hospital. I wouldn't want to work there again ever. I don't even live near the place, working there would mean staying in Stoke and not being near the Boy for another God knows how many years. But there are fuck all jobs around here. A job is a job at the end of the day. Leeds apparently only take on trainee BMSs internally, which unless i'm very much mistaken means two years working as an MLA earning a pittance, sticking labels on bottles, in the hope of one ever coming up. The whole point of doing the registration portfolio during university was so i didn't sodding well have to go through all that bollocks.

#7 Roo. Roo is my other best friend. Is Roo coming to my birthday meal? No Roo is not coming to my birthday meal, despite telling me almost 4 weeks ago that she would be. No, Miss Ruth is standing me up for a trip to Edinborough with her stupid Dutch boyfriend who never spends anytime with her and tells her how fat her arse is on a regular basis. Well, the choice was clear, eh. I can't think of anything to say about that. I'm just pretty miffed.

#8 The Boy. I strongly suspect he has bought me a stuffed bear for my birthday. Fine, not the end of the world, at least he's bought me a present at all hey? But for God's Sake. I'm 22 years old, we've been going out for almost 3 years, can he not think of something more thoughtful and appropriate by now!?

#9 I had my hair cut. And i don't like it. I look like somebody's Mum.

#10 I can't really think of a 10th reason. I could moan about being 22 on Sunday, but i'm not realy that upset about being 22. I doubt it is much different from being 21. Especially when you're as boring as me.

I don't even feel better now, i just feel worse because i am so unbelievably pathetic.

I warned you.

Yawn...

2008-01-09T10:51:00.000-08:00

I'm so tired! I am giving myself a well earned break from revision. Well, i say well earned, but perhaps if i hadn't waited until Monday night to start revising for my exam on Thursday... i wouldn't have had to work quite so flat out. Oh well.

The exam on Monday went reasonably well. The amount of work i put into it, i ought to have done brilliantly well. But i just can't tell with them being essay questions. I know i wrote at least one dumb thing- i got ataxia and agnosia mixed up and wrote that Alzheimer's sufferers show ataxia. I couldn't even know what ataxia means... though i thought it was right at the time. Anyway, i wikipedia-ed it, and, well, Alzheimer's patients really don't have ataxia. Nobface Head of Module will be marking it as well, which doesn't roll in my favour. Oh well. I'm sure i've done enough to pass, which is the main thing i suppose.

I picked my essay marks up yesterday as well. I got 68% in the Neuroscience one, which is fine, particularly since apparently we were all meant to have failed it... I got 65% in my Clinical pathology essay, which is fine as well i suppose. I'm pretty disappointed with that to be honest. When i was writing it, it sounded really good. I did a shit pile of research for it and i honestly thought it was the best thing i'd ever written, despite the incredibly dry subject matter. Plus, i just happened to notice... that someone much stupider and much less conscientious than me (and who i particularly dislike) got 75%. Which seems pretty unlikely. But i suppose that just serves me right for being nosey...

I think, the transition between second and third year is a lot steeper than i previously imagined. Without wanting to sound big-headed, in previous years i've never found it particularly difficult to do well and get firsts in essays and exams, without making any special effort. But this semester it seems as though i have been working my hardest and not coming out with anything spectacular. I'm not going to be 2:1 snob... but i suppose i'm kind of half hoping/expecting to get a first. I know the result is not the be all and end all of getting a degree, and that after i get my first job, noone will much care what degree classification i got. But it would just be nice. I'm not good at much. I'm not good at people and friends and socialising. I'm not good at sport. I'm not a particularly good daughter or girlfriend.I don't even look that good. But I am good at Academia. I can be clever and learn things and get good results. I can impress people and please my parents and feel good about myself that way. I feel like this first expected of me now, which is incredibly pressurising. Maybe i'm just not as clever as i think. Maybe i'm just being a twat. Who knows.

Last exam tomorrow anyway, which is something to look forward to. I am doing strategic revision, so i hope to God it pays off, or i am royally screwed. I'm about past caring at the moment.

Anyway, i was meant to be catching up. Being at home is lovely, but there is no real scope for private computer time. Hence the lack of blogginess. The basic gist is like so:

. I went home

. I watched a lot of TV

. I ate a lot of food (Actually, i ate a lot of junk food. Actually, i ate a lot of chocolate. My skin is being most unforgiving)

. I spent a lot of time with the boy. He spent Christmas day at mine, which was lovely

. I spent not quite enough time at home, and thus spent a lot of time feeling guilty about that

. My sisters annoyed me for various reasons

. I did a bit of revision (With emphasis on the "bit", hence the shit-creek type situation occurring currently)

. I was good and socialised, with Sarah, Beth, Sally and Caz! Four whole people!

And there you have it. Three fun packed weeks in the life of me!

Now i am back in this hole of mediocrity. Not for long however. Mwhahaha.

Yes i have been neglecting the blogosphere terribly...

2008-01-07T05:10:00.000-08:00

And i will get round to catching up with it soon.

But for now i just need to say: njskahdalfhklagnfvkldsznvmxz,cbnfjliesahi OMGZ!!!!

In just over two hours i have to write two essays about something neurosciencey, and my brain is currently completly void of all neuroscience related knowledge. Its empty- EMPTY I TELL YOU!

Not that i'm panicking or anything...

Never trust anything that bleeds for five days and doesn't die...

2007-12-10T04:37:00.000-08:00

Ouch, moan, whimper. Damn my menstrual cycle.

I have been a busy bee. Well, a busy Korfing bee. I haven't actually done any useful university type work since Thursday. There was a league match on Thursday- Keele 1 vs Keele 2, which was never going to work out too well since we don't actually have enough players for both teams to play at the same time. Both had to play a man down, and so i ended up playing for Keele 2. We lost inevitably- but i scored twice- woop! We only lost by one goal. Maz came up to visit on Friday and there was another league match but i didn't play. We went to Roo's for belated birthday takeaway and Bill Bailey instead. Much fun was had. Saturday was the Manchester Warriors Christmas tournament, which we came last in, in true Keele style. It was quite a fun day though, nice and chilled out, which made a change from most of the tournaments. Becca was her usual annoying, pathetic, immature self but Gill was in a reasonably ok mood so i was not too irritated by them. Spent most of the day chatting to Dave, who is one of Roo's PGCE housemates and who plays for Castle. He came to the tourny with us as we only had two other boys going, and he drove, which was nice of him. I've decided he's pretty cool. I've only briefly spoken to him before really. Yesterday was another league match, Keele 2 vs Castle 3... again i had to play for Keele 2, as in fact did most of Keele 1, as they have no players... We played a man down in my division, which was hard work. And we lost anyway. Recurring theme here...

I really am becoming a Korfball bore... Sigh.

I need to do some revision. I've only revised one lecture so far, despite my best laid plans. Oh well. Only three more sleeps til the holidays! (Maybe two, i haven't decided if i'm going to the Castle Christmas tournament yet...)

Ouch.

You Sir, are a cock.

2007-12-05T06:34:00.000-08:00

The Boy, being the fool that he is, is working in retail again. Which means that for the rest of December, and most of January, he has to work 6 days a week. He is meant to be working two out of the three remaining Sundays of December. Annoyingly the one he has off is this week, when i am still at uni and won't be able to see him anyway. The two he has to work, are while i am at home, which means i will hardly see him at all. He tried to swap so that he was working this Sunday, but his FUCKING STUPID BASTARD of a CUNTFACE of a NOBCHEESE of a boss won't let him.

HMPH.

Under the Weather

2007-12-04T11:21:00.000-08:00

There are two cases of Stella Artois in the kitchen, which implies that i will not be getting much sleep tonight. Joy.

I am feeling pretty low at the moment, hence why i haven't really bothered writing, as it would only be depressing rubbish that noone wants to read.

I don't know why i'm feeling so down. I spent a lot of time at home this weekend- it was more of a long weekend really; Thursday to Monday. I skived a couple of lectures to do so, which i ended up feeling immensely guilty about. The anticipation of coming back was just awful. There's no reason why though. I have finished my essays and my project methods section, so have no assessed work left to do. Just the prospect of revision looming. I don't mind revising that much, so i don't know what my problem is really! I just want to be at home with my Boy. I think thats the crux of the matter. The extent to which i want to spend time with him is just ridiculous. I miss him almost constantly. I love him so much. Sob.

I'm such a clingy and demanding girlfriend, its really quite bad.

I think its just end of semester syndrome. I haven't spent a proper bulk of time with him for a while, which makes me forget how annoying he can get after a while... hehe. I need to top up my Wayne levels. The holidays are in ten days time, and i can't wait! I'm really looking forward to it. Not just the seeing him, but seeing Mum and the sisters too, and just generally lazing around and being festive. I have an exam on the first day back though, which is immensely annoying as it means i will actually have to do some work over the holidays.

Mummy Spencer bought some of my Christmas presents this weekend :)

I am currently agonising over an outfit for The Boy's work Christmas meal/ party. I don't know why its so important to me that his co-workers think i am attractive and fashionable... but it is damnit! I have so far discovered nothing worthy of projecting my uber-gorgeous girlfriend image however. Tres stressful!

I am quite in love with this but i don't know if i'd a) be brave enough to wear it, and b) look immensely overdressed in it if i did. It looks pretty rubbish with jeans, so i'd have to wear tights and heels. And i am loathe to do that. Plus its expensive. Plus i'd blatantly hardly ever wear it. I am also quite in love with this Which is cheap. But not quite dressy enough, i feel. Decisions decisions.

Perhaps i will wear an existing outfit and use the money to have my hair cut. It is a frightful mess at the moment. I hate in-betweeny hair. But i am determined not to give in and lop it off again. I will regain my flowing locks! Katie Holmes has a nice new hair-cut. But i don't think Toni&Guy can give me the face to match the hair, which is always disappointing.

Anyway. I should go do something useful. Joy.

Sob...

2007-11-25T12:54:00.000-08:00

Am feeling all abandoned and alone. Boy has just left after a far too short weekend, Katie is at home and Roo is with Rob and not replying to me texts, as usual...

The weekend has been fun. Friday i had a Korf match against Castle 3, which we lost, of course... But i got Girl Of the Match! Woohoo! It probably helped that my best friend was ref-ing, but whatever...

Korf Quote of the week: (to my attacker, from the Castle 3 captain) "NO, she's too fast for that!"

Ha, as if!

After the match, Boy arrived, which is always lovely. We finished the conversation i regretfully started. I'm not sure i'm happy about the answer yet, but we'll see.

Saturday night was the Eris gig at The Rigger. Muchos fun; although Roo didn't turn up in the end, predictably, and Ann didn't seem to enjoy herself very much at all. Me and Katie had fun though! I was far too drunk. I woke up with a full face of make-up on this morning, which is always a good indicator...

Rory and Emma stayed over last night after the gig in a Holiday-Inn type place, so we all met up again this afternoon for Sunday lunch in the pub. Even though we ended up in Wetherspoons, it was surprisingly tasty.

Then The Boy had to leave. I realise that i probably only seem to use this diary to moan about missing him... but... i really do miss him already! It seems to get harder everytime i have to leave him. I am so over this long distance bollocks.

Sex was difficult this weekend. Am considering visiting the doctors, even though its more like a mental institute i need.

I should be finishing my essays etc, but i really can't be arsed doing anything other than feel sorry for myself at the moment.

Euch...

2007-11-22T08:46:00.000-08:00

Kettle Chips really don't agree with me...

Which is interesting because i can eat normal crisps just fine. And Kettle Chips are meant to be all wholesome and lovely.

Apparently my body is ok with genetically modified, chemically sprayed crap...

Phew...

2007-11-21T09:22:00.000-08:00

You'll be glad to know i'm no longer being 15. Today i have put on 3 coats of mascara and straightened my hair, and now all is right with the world.

Incidentally, i spent thirteen quid on Urban Decay Big Fatty mascara the other weekend, as my MAC one has run out, and i must say; I Am Not That Impressed. My eyelashes are still distinctly anorexic, and its a bitch to put on. Tres annoying.

I have started a conversation with The Boy which i am distinctly beginning to regret. Its not often that he acts as though he is insecure. He is definitely the most confident and outgoing person i've ever met. And he always seems rather sure of himself. But i think i might have started something... whoopsy...

Its sleazy Mike's birthday tonight and so we are going out for a few beverages. I'm not particularly looking forward to it. I don't really know any of Mike's friends apart from the Korfers, so i have a feeling its going to be a little dull. Plus Mike's girlfriend Trudi is coming, and she is one of those girlfriends who gets twitchy if anything with a vagina so much as breathes near her boyfriend... And she's ignorant to boot. Though how someone with a name like Trudi can feel superior to anyone is a mystery to me...

Anyway. Should be essaying.

OMGZ

2007-11-20T12:07:00.000-08:00

This is going to be an incredibly self indulgent, adolescent post, and therefore i strongly advise you to stop reading now.

I hate my face
I hate my hair
I hate my body
I hate my clothes
I hate my ignorant so-called friends
I hate the fact that certain people think i'm some kind of social retard
I hate Keele
I hate long distance relationships
I hate the fact that my brain doesn't work properly
I hate being bored

Sleeeepy...

2007-11-19T04:28:00.000-08:00

I'm so unbelievably tired today, i just can't motivate myself to do anything. Am contemplating going back to bed, but that would be a bit naughty...

Home was lovely, but then i had to come back here which was a tad depressing. I think Fake-Cough has actually just moved in now, for fucks sake.

The Korf Regionals were on Saturday. We came last! Gill acted appaulingly, i can't even begin to describe how ridiculously immature she was about the whole thing- there was confrontation... it wasn't good. Tempers were a little frayed on account of the 5am start and the getting lost trying to find Leeds University Sports centre and the having our asses kicked in Every Single Match. We spent a good part of the morning screaming at each other, but by the afternoon everyone chilled out a bit, accepted the fact that we never stood a chance of winning, and just had a laugh.

The whole day was made all the more irritating, due to the fact that The Boy was in London with Karlos, and i wasn't. Hmph.

Last night me, Gill, Becca, Roo, Rob and Katie went to see Ollie's play at the union. Ollie is one of the Fresher's from Korfball. He's a bit shy and retiring, a bit nerdy, sheltered... He is however, unebelievably dedicated to the club. Whenever we ask him to tournaments, matches, socials, whatever, he always turns up. He is also in the drama society, hence the play. I felt like we owed him a favour, he has been going on about this play for months, and so I spent most of yesterday bullying people in coming to see it. The play is called "Brothers", and is about two brothers (surprisingly) who work for a London Kingpin importing cocaine from Columbia, and i was actually pleasantly surprised. I was prepared to be bored to tears for two hours, but it was quite engaging. A bit violent. But good nonetheless. Ollie played a very un-Ollie-ish character, which was most amusing.

After the play Katie and i met Ann for hot chocolate. Whenever i see Ann i instantly feel guilty for neglecting her, because she actually is incredibly funny and sweet. We do always seem to end up talking about NiceDave though, which slightly disturbs me... We had a good old bitch about NightLine, who are apparently treating everyone like shit, so its not just me. Always good to know. I actually e-mailed to quit a couple of weeks ago, since it had been almost 8 weeks or something ridiculous since i was "suspended", but they had not actually bothered to do anything to resolve the situation. Noone has had the decency to reply to me so far. Which only serves to prove my point really. If they can't be arsed to deal with me, then i can't be arsed to work for them anymore.

Other than that, i spent most of my time working really. After my extended trip home, i was consumed by nervous guilt and so have been determined to be a productive little me ever since. I have finshed my Neuroscience essay and am midway through my Clinical Pathology essay, which is a much more nitty-gritty little detaily science essay, and so is rather dull. But still, nearly done! Then i'm going to start doing some background reading, since i have done none at all this semester, and i'm sure Roo was doing loads this time last year... whoopsy.

I am currently stuck in the middle of a Ruth and Katie snipe-fest, which is slightly disconcerting. They are fine around each other, but when i am alone with either of them, i have to listen to them gripe about each other for hours on end... They both say exactly the same things about each other half the time, which is pretty funny. They are definitely suffering from each-other-overload. They really do spend a ridiculous amount of time with each other. Katie has never really made any friends since coming back to Keele, combined with the fact that she only has lectures one day a week, and so needs to be entertained constantly- she clings to Roo. She also steals Roo's friends rather than make her own. A recipe for Katie-overload. Eeek.

I saw M last night in the Union. More to the point, he saw me. Not that he acknowledged me in any way, shape or form. He must have walked past me about 6 times, i kid you not, and everytime he just totally blanked me. Yet he is more than happy to speak to me over Facebook or MSN or whatever. I have been trying to pin him down for a coffee or something for ages. I am trying to be mature, and to resolve what was once a decent friendship. But he never gets back to me. I'm not going to pester him, i know he's a busy man, and i do have some pride. But its not like we live miles from each other. If he made some fucking effort. But he acts as though i am some sort of social pariah. Well you know what Matt? I'm fucking not! So fuck you! I don't care anymore. I'm through with trying to be nice. If he doesn't care, then neither do i.

(On some levels, i think i might be relieved. If i don't have to look at him, then theres no way i can start being attracted to him again. Though why i would ever have been is anyones guess- what is wrong with me!!!??!)

I will tell the whole story one day, when i get round to it. Honest.

Anyway. I'm going to be predictable and say- i don't want to go to the hospital tomorrow.

Teflon Coated Bastard...

2007-11-09T01:26:00.000-08:00

I spilt a glass of water on my laptop last night... *cue screaming*

It still works though, thank fuck. I hastily removed it from the puddle, turned it upside down (to stop the water seeping into the mother board) and dried it with a towel. Later i put the hair dryer on it (on the cool setting, don't worry). AND NOW IT WORKS! I am a technological genuis. Or not, since this is the second piece of expensive electrical equipment i have dropped water on in less than a year...

Boy is threatening to have everything in our house shrink wrapped... He thinks he's so funny.

Hehe.

Right, m'off to get ready now, i'm going home! Yay!

Explosion imminent!

2007-11-08T04:52:00.000-08:00

It seems like ages since i updated. Even though it really isn't that long. But anyway.

There are lots of crazy things going on in my head at the moment. I have been incredibly stressed this week. Mostly about Korfball, and the associated human beings. Which is ridiculous as its supposed to be a hobby, stress reliever, etc. I am going home tomorrow. I would have been going home tonight, but i have training, and since regionals is next weekend i didn't think missing it would go down too well. Even though i very much doubt two hours is going to significantly improve my game play. Its just easier to go.

Fake-cough has been staying over all fucking week. She's driving me up the wall. I actually cannot stand her. That whining fucking voice just makes me want to scream. My blood pressure must be through the roof.

This hatred of all people Korfball does not bode well for regionals, when i am going to have to spend a whole day and night in their company. I'm dreading it, i really am. Can't believe i have given up a weekend living it up in London with Wayne for Karl's birthday for it. To be fair i can't afford London, but meh.

On Tuesday i went into the hospital to do my study, and predictably, there were no samples again. One of my supervisors was nowhere to be found, and the other one apparently wasn't in as he has been on call the night before. Nice to be kept informed... So i left a snotty note on his desk and stormed out at eleven. Spent the rest of the day dossing around. As much as i like having Tuesdays off, it really is getting beyond a joke now. I'm supposed to have completed the practical work by Christmas, and i don't want it hanging over my head come February, when i have a million other things occupying my stress centre... GAH. I am giving myself the day off next Tuesday. I have scheduled some illness. So they can all go and fuck themselves. Hopefully by the time i do go back in, there might be a backlog, and i will be able to spend a whole day testing.

I have finished my neuroscience essay- woot!

The Boy's step-sister is pregnant, so soon i will be a step-aunty- in law... type thing. Woot! She is only twenty four and not yet married or fully qualified in whatever it is that she does, so its clearly not a planned baby. Boy and I will be able to feel smug about that at least. Boy is treated as a second class citizen as far as his Father and Step mother are concerned. Her children can do no wrong, and she frequently enjoys rubbing their "success" in Boy's face. Though to be fair, if a house on a council estate, a job fitting alarms, and an unplanned pregnancy aged twenty four are classed as success nowadays, then i think i'll stick with my second class citizen-ship, thank you very much. Oooh i'm a snob. I really do hate Boy's Step mother and her kids. They're so fucking arrogant, with no grounds for it really. And thats the worst kind of arrogance.

My broodiness has gone into overdrive now (as if it wasn't bad enough already). I don't know why, but i have been incredibly pre-occupied with pregnancy lately. I don't want children as such. I just want to be pregnant, and to have a baby. The impracticalities of having a child now are perfectly clear to me, and i know i don't really want a baby. I know that being pregnant is going to be perfectly hideous. But i have this romanticised vision in my head, where i am carrying Boy's child, and he is loving and adoring and its just generally sickening and lovely. I think its probably just an attention thing. Everyone loves a pregnant woman don't they. Is it normal to be so broody? I think about getting married a lot too. I can't wait to get married. I think that is less psychotic though. I do have a partner who i love, and marriage isn't quite such a drastic thing.

I have this "life anxiety" almost. I know i should be enjoying my youth, having a life. But the truth is, i'm not that good at having a life. I'm constantly worrying about what i should be doing next. Marriage isn't an essential part of life, and nor i suppose is having babies. But i seem to have some sort of mental time-table in which these tasks are included. I need to be married before i can have the babies. And i need to start making babies, before its too late. In case we have difficulties. I've always had this feeling that i'm infertile. I don't know why. Probably just another avenue in which my constant need for self pity can lie. And thats where the anxiety sits. Its no way to enjoy life, constantly worrying about the next thing on the "to do list" I have a loving partner. I should be secure in the knowledge that one day these things will happen. Because there's no reason why they shouldn't...

Good God i am a first class mentalist.

If Boy ever got to read this thing he would probably dump me and run away to Cuba or something...

Anyway.

I can't wait to go home and see him. I am so incredibly stressed and grumpy that an enormous cuddle is in order. Also, Mum is taking us out to RC2 for dinner on Saturday. The prospect of consuming my own body weight in curry and wine is a particularly nice one.

That is all.

6-5 to Castle...

2007-11-04T10:23:00.000-08:00

Yep so we lost. No big surprise. Castle are a far more experienced side than us. It is a little depressing that every team in the league sees beating us as merely a formality though...

I'm rapidly getting tired of all the attitude and bitchiness in the Keele squad. Ok, so i don't take criticism well, not even of the constructive variety, thats just the way i am. But at least from Jon the coach, its meant well. The constant sniping from my so called club captain is a little wearing however. First our division is being bitched at for not setting up the shots in attack. Our division is consisting of me, Ollie, Phil and Charlie. Ollie is new, so noone really expects him to do anything. Charlie is just rubbish, and everyone bitches about her constantly, but noone actually criticises her to her face, Phil thinks he's master goal scorer and never sets up any shot because he always wants to be the one to take it.... which leaves... ME. Apparently i'm expected to do everything. Then Gill is bitching that the only person on our division who "can score" is Phil.... but Phil will never set it up so anyone else can take one anyway! ARGH. STRESS!

On top of that, at the beginning of the match i'm being told that apparently Becca is a stronger player than me, which leaves me seething- not a good attitude for play! Becca is fucking pathetic. She refuses to play on any division without Gill, because Gill is our best player so playing with her means Becca has to do nothing. She has no fucking tactical ability, she refuses to shout so noone knows whats going on, and half of the time she won't even run (this is the girl who needs to be chaffeured from one halls of residence to the other- i.e 300 yards- by her moronic boyfriend because apparently incapable of walking anywhere). But noone will say a word against her because she's shagging Phil and crawling up Gill's arse at every opportunity. ARGH.

Maybe i'm just being oversensitive, but it always seems to me that as the only experienced player who anyone can bitch at, when we lose, its always my personal fault. And i don't see why i should put up with it. Because its not my fault! I'm not sporty, these things don't come easily to me, and at the end of the day, i only joined the club for a laugh in the first place, since i was told that it wasn't mega competitive and bitchy like most other sports at Keele...

Gill and Becca have both come back here with Phil and are apparently here for the evening. They are currently sat cackling in the next room and i am drowning them out with Fall Out Boy. Hopefully i can slope off over to Roo's a bit later, otherwise something really horrible might happen to them...

Anyone who is remotely interested in what i have just spent the past ten minutes bitching about, can see here

Stolen Boredness

2007-11-03T14:43:00.000-07:00

Currently Eating: Nothing. Just had some toast with butter... mmmm...

Currently Reading: Journal articles on aluminium and dialysis encephalopathy...woot...

Currently Listening to: "Sugar, We're Going Down" - Fall Out Boy.

Currently Wearing: Jeans, green top, beads, black cardigan, pink stripey socks.

Currently Anticipating: Seeing the boy. Some chocolate biscuits...

Currently Thinking about: Boy :(

Currently Wondering: Whether or not to go down to the Union to meet Mike, Phil and Fake-Cough (Becca).

Currently Should be: Writing the damn essay.

Current plans for the weekend: I'm living it, baby.

Currently feeling: Grumpy.

Thnks Fr Th Mmrs

2007-11-03T06:06:00.000-07:00

Not.

Good God i'm bored. Can't believe its the weekend again already.

I should be writing my neuroscience essay but, meh. I've only written 500 words and i'm stuck already. It's much less brain taxing to just ignore it.

Everyone in the corridor is out, so i am taking advantage of this fact by listening to music at an inappropriate volume. To be fair, i do this most of the time anyway. I'm sure everyone must hate me.

I was going to moan about how Katie and Roo always ignore me when their boyfriends are in the picture, despite the fact that i always try to include them in my activities with The Boy- because one: they're friends with him too, and two: i wouldn't want them to feel like i was brushing them off in favour of him when we spend so much time together usually. Usually they are both guilty of it. But Katie has just invited me for hot chocolate with her and Dan... so i'm off... hehe!

Meeeeurrrgh...

2007-11-01T04:21:00.000-07:00

I've just polished off an enormous slab of chocolate cake... and its only 11.30am... whoopsy!

I feel quite sick now...

Boy has left already :( I hate these midweek visits, when it seems as though he's barely arrived when he has to go back again for work.

It was lovely tho. We had nice sex and everything. Yay.

I am so unbelievably tired today. The Boy is a little on the large side... so me plus him plus single bed doesn't make for the most restful of sleeps. Plus Phil and Mike went out last night, and brought back Gill and Becca at midnight, so they were sat up talking until about 2am. The walls here are so bloody paper thin, i could hear every word they were saying... Its not what i pay a grand a semester for, i can tell you! They were bitching about Korfball, typically. Becca was being her usual know-it-all self, even though when she's on the pitch, she seems to lack any basic tactical understanding of the game... not that anyone mentions it since she's shagging the Vice-Captain... The first match of the season is on Sunday, and Gill has already picked the team. Charlie, our "first team captain", is not actually on the team. I'm not entirely sure she knows about it yet either... so training will be interesting tonight...

Have a meeting with Glenn shortly, in which i feel sure he is going to pull my project introduction to pieces, and i will cry or something. I went into the hospital on Tuesday for one sample. One whole sample. Remarkable eh.

There is a girl working in the specimen reception at the hospital who i was chatting to on Tuesday. She graduated in Biomedical Science this year from Keele. She has a registration portfolio which she took a year out to do. And she is working in specimen reception... sticking labels on bottles... because there are no trainee BMS posts anywhere. This doesn't fill me confidence about my future prospects. In fact, it pretty much makes me want to throw myself on the floor and cry and scream until i vomit. But hey ho.

True to my father's advice ("Well, just finish your degree, then find a field where there are lots of jobs... and do a degree in that instead!"- Sound advice, if i was planning on entering The Guinness Book of Records with an entry for the world's largest student debt...) i'm thinking of applying to do Medicine sometime in the near future, rather than going into Biomedical Science for a few years first. I'm not sure i have what it takes to be a doctor, but i suppose i'll never know unless i try. Though the prospect of putting my life on hold for the next 10 years, isn't something i relish particularly.

Anyway. More later.

That Sunday Feeling...

2007-10-28T09:41:00.000-07:00

My God i hate being a woman sometimes. I shall spare you all the unpleasant reasons behind my wish for gender reassignment right now however.

I just walked all the way to the library to photocopy an article for my Neuroscience essay... only to discover that the archives don't go back far enough, so they don't actually have a copy of the article... Trés annoying. I may have to pay a visit to the health library on Tuesday, though i'm not entirely sure if they will have it either...

I have finished my pancreatitis project draft- woot!

I'm so bored. I hate weekends.

Tom and Becca came down for a visit on Friday, for Becca's birthday, and so much fun was had dancing in the Union on Friday night.

Becca was one of the very first people i ever spoke to when i got to Keele, yet after the first few weeks we hardly spoke to each other. Our friendship was only rekindled last year, due to our mutual friendship with M and Roo. In hindsight, i wish i had made more effort with Becca, and in fact just made more effort to be sociable in general. Had i not spent my first couple of years here wallowing in the depths of depression, i might have had a greatly expanded social network and got to know some people who i hold merely as aquaintances a whole lot better.

I wish i was more articulate, so that i could explain myself better.

Irritated...

2007-10-24T05:16:00.000-07:00

I really need to start thinking of more imaginative titles for my posts...

The internet is being exceptionally slow and shit today, which is pissing me off.

Yesterday i went in to the hospital to discover that there were no samples for me again. Which i am less than impressed by. Its not even as if there literally were no patients to take samples from- i spent a couple of hours in specimen reception this week and last week, and saw at least four serum amylase requests each time. At a rate of four every two hours, i could complete the whole bloody trial in one day, instead of stretching it out over the whole semester... If anyone ever bothers sending the urine samples that is... Its not as though its something i'm putting them out for either! The consultant in A&E wanted this trial doing! Yargh. I refused to spend six hours at the hospital doing nothing, so i came home at about half 11, and futzed around for the rest of the day. Joey and I had drinks and a long chat at The Orange Tree in the evening.

Spoke to Abbie briefly on MSN last night, and she seemed happy enough, having spent the day with her friends. I can't imagine Mum was very happy about her being out with Kayleigh-The-Bad-Influence again, but i am glad she is taking the psychologists advice at least.

Still in a confuddled state about the whole thing. I spent most of the day with her on Monday, shopping and chatting. Bullied her into eating some chips. Mum said she seemed a lot brighter afterwards. I should spend more time with her. Guilt...

I miss The Boy a lot. The weekend was rather strange and disjointed, and so we didn't really get to spend as much time solidly together as i would have liked. Half of the time we did spend together we spent arguing. Or me crying, and us not having sex. To be fair, i haven't exactly been difficult to upset/ annoy recently on account of my increasing stress levels... I shouldn't have taken it out on him.

(He did start an argument with me in the middle of an Indian restaurant about M however, which he fully deserved to be shouted at about... but thats a whole other blog entry...)

Saw a lot of Dad and Maddie this weekend, which was nice. I hardly ever get to see them, which is a bit rubbish. I should make more effort really.

I totally buggered up my budget this weekend also, by "accidentally" spending 50 quid on Elle McPherson underwear, and then since i was in the swing of shopping and had already made a mess of the finances, i bought a jumper from Topshop as well. I was doing so well as well. Sigh.

It is exceptionally nice underwear though. And i never usually have expensive underwear.

I might take the jumper back. I haven't decided yet. Its sitting in the wardrobe, awaiting its fate.

I shop to make me feel better about myself, but then always end up feeling worse with the guilt. Is that an addiction? I don't know.

I need to go to my meeting with my dissertation tutor woman now. She insists on me seeing her every week, but since i'm only in the research stage and i don't really know where she wants me to take the thing, i never have any idea what she wants to talk about. The complement system is infintely boring. Methinks i should have chosen my title more carefully...

Muddled...

2007-10-22T13:33:00.000-07:00

Just got back to Keele after an extended weekend at home. I am feeling that blah-y way that i always feel when i'm here after a while away.

The weekend has been strange. After worrying so much about Abbie all week, i was a little annoyed to get home on Thursday night and find that everyone was just acting as though nothing had happened, and Abbie herself barely acknowledged my presence.

On Friday i went to Abbie's first appointment with the psychologist, with Mum and Dad. The psychologist asked about lots of generic psychologist things, like how long my Mum and Dad had been divorced, had there been any traumatic or significant events lately, etc. Mum was finally forced to admit to suffering from depression, and i was momentarily terrified that i would have to do the same.

I wasn't awfully impressed with the psychologist. She seems very overly focussed on the issue of Abbie's alcohol drinking. Ok, drinking at 15 is not exactly ideal, but lets be honest here, everyone does it. It doesn't mean we're all destined for a life of AA meetings. The events of last weekend were disturbing and unpleasant, but not a commentary on my sister's mental state as a whole. On finding out that Mum's father was an alcoholic, the psychologist took it upon herself to tell Abbie that she was in danger of dying as an alcoholic also. Which seems more like scare-mongering than counselling to me.

On the other hand, she did confirm my thoughts that Abbie's self harm problem, is more like a "self harm problem". Something quite superficial and not really to be worried about. Incidentally, having seen the cuts for myself, i can say that Mum was definitely exaggerating...

My biggest gripe with the psychologist, is the fact that she refuses to address Abbie's biggest problem in my mind, which is the fact that she no longer eats anything.

"Abbie doesn't want to talk about it, so we're not going to"

I'm no psychologist... but how the hell does that make any sense whatsoever!? Surely that just proves that the problem exists in the first place, thus highlighting the need for it to be addressed? Euch.

She even fucking told Mum that Abbie is already in the peripheral stages of an eating disorder. Her extreme sensitivity to the cold is a key sign that her body is beginning to "shut down".

That phrase has haunted me for the entire weekend. Body shutting down equates to the beginning of the end in my mind. Maybe i'm being over dramatic, but i can't shake off that thought. I don't want my baby sister to shut down.

I just can't get through to her that however miserable she feels now, it is nothing compared to how bad she is going to feel in ten/ twenty/ thirty years time when she is dealing with the consequences of starving herself.

To conclude, the psychologist handed out lots of advice which i should imagine seems rather counter-intuitive from my parents' point of view, like not to punish her, or stop her from going out with the bad influence friends to the places she usually goes to drink...

I can see her point. Despite my outrage, i am reluctant to force the issue with Abbie about exactly what kind of friends stand by and allow you to drink yourself into oblivion, and then not even hang around to deal with the aftermath... i don't want to make her feel more depressed by implying that her friends are not really friends, and that in reality she has no meaningful relationships. But i think Mum and Dad found it difficult to swallow.

Mum is, as usual, determined to take everything personally. According to her, the psycholgist is blaming the whole thing on her.

Listening to Mum lie about exactly how much alcohol she drinks in one week, proves to me that i'm right to be concerned about her in that respect... but thats an issue for another diary entry. She's by no means an alcoholic. And as contradictory as it sounds, i don't think her alcohol consumption is at the bottom of Abbie's problems.

Abbie told me that the psychologist thinks she is depressed. That, i can accept. The rest... meh.

My head is in a muddle, so i'm going to stop now.

I don't want to go to the hospital tomorrow...

Drama

2007-10-15T10:20:00.000-07:00

This has been a weekend of revelations...

On Saturday on the way back from Lancaster (yes i did go to the tournament- and it was shit...), Mum text me to tell me that the police had rung her because they had picked up my middle-ing sister Abbie, drunk, in Leeds. I wasn't overly concerned, since i already knew she had been drinking a little in Leeds with her friends for the past few weekends and it seemed harmless enough. I assumed the police had raided the Corn Exchange, where they hang out, to give all the kids a bit of a scare, since its notorious for under-age drinkers.

In actuality, the police had called an ambulance, because she was so very drunk. Her so called "friends" all ran off and left her. When i finally managed to get in touch with Mum again, a good few hours later she told me that Abbie had been admitted to the hospital after the doctors found apparently self inflicted razor blade cuts on her arms. She told Mum she had done it because she was so unhappy.

I was beside myself. I just couldn't believe it. I know she is going through some "Emo" phase, and its cool to be depressed and dark. I even know that she's carved things into her arms with compass points before now in a fit of generic adolescent drama. But razor blades? I can't even begin to imagine how, or why. According to Mum, the injuries look horrific.

I felt so incredibly guilty. I know favourite sisters shouldn't exist, but she is mine. I love her so much, and for her to have been so unhappy and me to not even have known is just unthinkable. I thought we were close. I know i don't spend as much time with her as i should. Even when i'm not at Uni, i'm always with The Boy or somewhere else. And that's so selfish of me, i know it is. I know she doesn't have a good time at home, and i should have been there for her more. The thought of her in hospital on her own all night, and feeling so poorly just made me cry. I know it was her own fault, but still.

She wasn't allowed to be discharged on Sunday until she had seen a children's mental health team.

Speaking to her about it yesterday, when she had got home from the hospital, it appears the whole drama was over a boy. This boy she had been "going out with" and thought she was in love with had dumped her (she bearly eats anymore, on account of her massively distorted body image, and apparently tried to make herself sick the other day, which is why he ended it) and now has another girlfriend. Hence why she was drinking so heavily on Saturday. Apparently she drank three bottles of wine... three. She's fifteen! I can't even drink one. She drank so much, her body went into shock- she had a irregular heart rhythm- the paramedics thought she had taken drugs... I can't even begin to imagine how ill she must have felt. I suppose at least it has taught her a lesson about alcohol, that noone else could ever have taught her. Hopefully she will stay away from it for a good few years now.

I asked her about the cutting, if she was doing it for attention. She said she had been doing at first, but now it just felt like something she "had to do" when she had a problem she didn't want to talk about. I'm finding it hard to know what i believe. Part of me thinks she might well have a serious problem. She obviously didn't intend on getting found out, and only the fact that she got so drunk she had to go to hospital led to anyone noticing. But then, another part of me think she is doing what she thinks "Emo's" should do. Its like a trend. She's learnt it. Its not an innate urge.

I don't know.

Knowing what i know about myself, her, and our family, i know she is unhappy beyond her adolescent love-life. I strongly suspect a part of her, however small, has done this for the attention. Typically, my parents are brushing the whole thing under the carpet already. Neither of them has bothered to try and talk to her about it, which is infuriating me. And she refuses to talk to them. Which is fair enough. They're my parents too, i know how bloody unapproachable they are.

I just worry this will escalate out of control, without some kind of intervention. I have tried talking to her but she's so fucking nonchalant about the whole thing somehow, i just want to slap her. I desperately want to help her. I don't want her to be as miserable as i know i have been. But she just seems to see it as no big deal. Even when i try to explain to her exactly how much damage she is doing her body by not eating, she just shrugs it off. Infuriating.

Maybe it is no big deal. Maybe it was a moment of adolescent madness and i'm just projecting my own neuroses onto her as some kind of explanation for her behaviour. But i just can't see it. I'm sure its more serious than she's letting on.

I just want to go home and hug her.

Anticlimax...

2007-10-11T05:26:00.000-07:00

He's gone now : (

I knew this was going to happen. I waited so long to see him, and built it up so much. And then the time he was here just flew by. It seemed as though he'd barely arrived when he had to leave again.

On Tuesday night i cooked tea for him, and we went out for drinks with Katie and Roo. Wednesday we got up late, futzed around. He spent fucking hours setting up my new printer... which i was less than happy about. When he was finally ready we went into town for a bit. Came back and had tea and wine, and then went to the KPA with Katie and corridor-Michael, and drank more wine. Roo and the Castle Korfballers were there after while too. It was a good laugh, and i love the way he so easily mixes with my friends. He's so funny and likeable.

Wasn't intending on sharing him quite so much while he was here, but hey ho.

I managed to ruin any attempts at passionate sex, but i can't even be bothered to talk about that right now. Lets just leave it at: I'm a fucking psycho.

I went to my nine o'clock this morning, yawned most of the way through it, and then came home and went back to bed until 12. As such, it is nearly 2 o'clock, and i have done absolutely nothing useful at all today. I'm so bloody stressed about my project draft. But not stressed enough to actually do any work on it apparently... Sigh.

I have to go to a Korfball tournament on Saturday, which involves setting off from Keele at 6.45am. I think the chances of that happening are less than slim. It is a Fresher's tournament, and i'm not a bloody Fresher, so its not like theres any need for me to go. I should go really, its not like i have anything better to do... I'll probably have fun when i get there. I just can't face the idea of being awake at that time.

I also realised while The Boy was here that we're going to be in London for Karl's birthday on the 17th of November... which is also the date of the Korfball regionals in Leeds. I fear this is going to make me exceptionally unpopular tonight...

Ah well.

Going to see Joey's new kitten George this afternoon : )

Back to counting down the days...

Procrastination...

2007-10-08T08:04:00.000-07:00

I should be making some kind of effort to start the introduction for my experimental project, which my superviser wants a draft of in three weeks... But the research is a bitch, and i have no motivation whatsoever to work at the moment.

I'm not feeling very well, mentally or physically. I still have the beginnings of my flu, which has neither grown into real flu nor disappeared. So i'm just in an irritating state of flu-y limbo. I also had a rather revolting stomach disturbance on Saturday night... which i'm still feeling a little delicate from. I'm ridiculously anxious at the moment, about nothing in particular. To the point where its actually painful, and no matter how deeply i breath, i can't get rid of the sicky achey feeling in my chest and throat. I couldn't sleep last night because of it, so was completely shattered this morning, and only vaguely managed to tune into my lecture. Which is a shame because i like that module.

I'm in sort of a "hate my face/ body/ wardrobe" mode again as well.

Hopefully once i've seen the boy i will feel better. He is off work ill again today with some kind of throat problem. I do worry about him losing his job again. He can be so lax sometimes. I am contemplating going home instead of him coming here. If i'd have gone after my lecture we would have had an extra day and night together, and i could have "nursed" him back to health. As it is, i have been my usual indecisive self, and so even if i stopped dithering and went now, by the time i got home it would be bedtime, and we would only have an extra couple of hours together. Sigh. I am so looking forward to him being here, but it is tainted in a way, by the fact that he will only be here a day, and it will fly by. I don't know when i'll be seeing him again after Wednesday : ( I'm dreading that part.

Am i pathetic?

OK, i am going to do work now.

The Morning After the Night Before...

2007-10-06T07:37:00.000-07:00

I am forced to eat my words now, and say that last night was actually awesome.

Me and Maz ended up being dragged to Korfball training at 8, even though i wasn't planning to go and she had no kit. Afterwards we had to race home and get showered and ready for the union and ended up in there at about 11. Me, Maz, Becca, Phil, The Corridor Mate Michael, Gill and Charlie (who invited herself...) were out, and much laughing, drinking and crazy dancing occurred. After the union we all went back to Gill's Z shed and drank vodka in her kitchen until 4. Gill was wasted and attempting to grill waffles until i restrained her... Afterwards Maz and I staggered back here and crashed out. Awesomeness.

Michael The Corridor Mate is a GIANT flirt. Gill blatantly fancies the arse off him, and i gather there is some history between him and Charlie, so it was rather amusing watching them vying for his attention all night, and Michael feeling them both up alternately, oblivious... He flirts with me pretty outrageously as well. I thought previously that i was probably just being a bit big headed... but last night in response to my "its really hot in here" commment, he said "no, that's just you..."

Euch.

Where do men get this shit from!?

The worst of it is that Michael has a girlfriend, a medical student called Trudi. Saying that, i have only seen her once in a fortnight of being here. And he never goes out with her, since he's always out with Phil and the Korfball club!

I'm slightly concerned at how easy it is for me to forget i have a long term partner, who i adore and who adores me, in the face of male attention and alcohol. Michael is a nice, funny guy, but pretty vile, in the harsh sober light of day... Yet last night i was, not contemplating, that's the wrong word, but seriously imagining going to bed with him. I could even imagine the guilt in the morning. I could put it down to being drunk and horny, but i'd be lying if i said it hadn't happened before. In a strange way, i think its part of missing the boy. I crave attention and affection from him when he's not around, the feeling of which is enhanced when i'm drunk. And obviously i'm happy to accept this affection from anyone! Well, i don't think thats entirely true. I never would cheat on him, i love him, we've been there, it was horrible, and there's just no need for it! I suppose sometimes i worry that me feeling like this means i'm not mature enough for the way our relationship is going, and that imminently, i'm going to fuck the whole thing up, by being a selfish, immature little bitch (again).

Sigh. Why do i feel the need to finger the self destruct button, constantly?

This morning when Maz and I got up we had breakfast in the kitchen with Phil. Becca, Gill and Michael came round, and it was all rather sociable. Bedroom doors were open and everything! I think this corridor has the potential to improve. Heather and Andy couldn't come last night which was a shame. Might have helped the whole bonding process. An in-depth debrief of last night occured, which is always the best part of going out i think. Maz went off to get her train about lunch time and the rest all buggered off to the pub to watch some football match. I didn't go because i hadn't actually had a chance to get dressed on account of all the visitors... plus i don't really like football. Wish i had gone now though as i'm pretty bored.

Only three more sleeps until the boy gets here!

Am addicted to Kate Nash's album at the moment. Boy will be cross.

Bleurgh...

2007-10-05T08:19:00.000-07:00

I have got the beginnings of Fresher's flu, damnit.

I always thought it was rather unfair calling it Fresher's flu and pinning all the blame on them. It is sort of an amalgamation of everyones' germs. I've had it every year since i got here and i've only been a Fresher once!

Anyway.

Maz, one of my old flatmates is coming down for the weekend, and will be here shortly. It'll be nice to see her again, though i must admit i'm not feeling hugely excited about going out to the union tonight. I don't particularly like Maz's circle of friends, and neither Roo or Katie are here for moral support... i have the feeling its going to be a very long night...

I'm still fuming about the NightLine thing. I've had this awful niggly feeling about it ever since i got back from the meeting the other day. I keep expecting a nasty email everytime i open my inbox, for some reason.

I don't really have anything interesting to say.

Suspended...

2007-10-03T10:16:00.000-07:00

Well.

I have been suspended from NightLine for "breaching confidentiality"

I'm far from impressed.

I'm not going to lie to anyone and say i have never mentioned anything about NightLine to anyone ever... but the fact that i apparently have been shouting from the rooftops about one of out regular callers is just total bollocks.

I know exactly which caller they are referring to, there is only one i have really spoken to anyone about. But the only people i have spoken to it about are either: a) part of NightLine, b) The Boy (who lives 100 miles aways...) or c) Have left Keele.

I did talk to Katie about it the other day, briefly. I'm wondering if she told Ann about it, and its Ann who has grassed me up. If it was then she can stick her friendship attempts up her fecking arse, the silly cow. I can't think of any other way it would have gotten back to Amy and Ollie, the co-ordinators. And even if that is what happened... that is hardly "all the way around campus", now is it.

I wish i'd remembered these things when i was talking to them about it.

There's something about being told off by some prissy do-gooders who are two years younger than me, which does not sit well.

Argh.

I miss Wayne.

Dying...

2007-10-02T06:50:00.000-07:00

Just finished dying my hair. It is now one lovely chocolatey brown colour, as opposed to the previous three (blonde/ faded chestnutty brown/ dark brown). It looked pretty shocking, i can tell you.

Today i didn't wake up until one o'clock, and since its my day off i have bugger all to do. I'm really quite bored and blatantly not going to get any sleep tonight... I have a nine o'clock tomorrow though, so getting up for that will hopefully reset my sleep clock thingy. Its in the morgue in the medical school, chopping up brains, which should be excellent! My project tutors finally got round to replying to my emails this morning as well, so i suppose i could do some project type reseach today in preperation for our meeting. It might help if i actually had something intelligent to say for once.

Last night was the first Korfball social of the year. Not a particularly successful one either. Only two of the new people who came to training on Thursday turned up, and since one of them is already friends with two fifths of the committee and fairly outgoing anyway, it didn't really make life very easy for the other guy who is a Fresher, and very shy. We spent most of the evening playing "I have never" which got pretty dull after about half a second since all the questions were about sex... Gill was getting on my tits as well. She's so fucking moody, i can't tell whether she likes me from one minute to the next. Although there's no reason why she shouldn't. I spent most of the evening forcing myself to laugh, which gets pretty tiring after a while, and trying valiantly to make conversation with Becca, who has all the personality of a half defrosted fish finger... and Gill, who just blows hot and cold with me, as i said.

I think there's every possibility that Keele Korfball may fold this year, not so much because we barely have a team, but because as a committe, we don't know each other particularly well or get on that amazingly. Gill and Phil, the captain and vice captain have known each other for the longest and so they're ok. Gill is a moody cow as i said. Phil is ok i suppose, but damned hard work to talk to. Becca the social sec is nice enough, but there's something about her thats incredibly strange, and i just can't place it. Plus she's Phil's girlfriend. Charlie the "first team captain" (i say "first team captain" rather than first team captain, since she only got the position because there was noone else to do it, and she can barely play...) is a knob. Everyone hates Charlie. Which is a little unfortunate. I can't imagine that all the time we are going to have to spend in socials and at tournaments is going to fly by... Though i suppose its early days.

After the "social" i went into the Union for Manic Mondays with Katie and Roo, which has gone all indie and weird for some reason. Katie was flirting outrageously with half of Roo's male housemates, despite spending two thirds of her time since she got here telling us all how amazing her new boyfriend is... so me and Roo got bored, gave it up as a bad job and went back to hers for a cup of tea and a gossip/ bitch. It was nice to have her to myself again for a little while. Katie's lovely but she can be hard work.

God, i just bitch about everyone. I'm so going to hell.

One of the guys who lives in the corridor came out with us last night, and he seems really funny. Even though he does hide in his room all the time.

Ann rang me on Sunday night in tears, to tell me her mother is an alcoholic, who's spent the past three years dumping on her and that she had just sent her an email telling her she never wanted to speak to her again... and would i come over... I felt a little bad telling her that i'd had arranged to meet Joey weeks ago and that i was going to the pub... I went over to hers after finishing with Jo though. We chatted for a few hours about stuff. She told me a lot of quite personal things i didn't know, and i felt really bad for her. I'm such a bad counsellor... She said it helped though. I feel a little strange about it all though. I barely know her, and quite why i would be the first person she rings in a crisis is beyond me. She must have closer friends than me, surely. I know she thinks of herself as really unsociable and that she doesn't have a huge amount of friends... but still. I found it hard to feel hugely guilty about not cancelling my plans and rushing immediately to her aid, when we are hardly even friends... I am enjoying getting to know her better and spending more time with her, but its all just a bit much. She wanted us to go out for a meal tonight, just the two of us. Not feeling too confident that i could stretch out a conversation with her for that long, i made some excuse about money. Guilt again though. She's latched on to me good and proper.

Jo and Dave had a really bad argument on Saturday night. I'm ashamed to say that it makes me feel better about myself that they did. Sometimes Jo is so bloody perfect with her brazillian waxes, stylish clothes and grown up relationship, that i want to explode with jealous rage... But it certainly seems as though the Jo and Dave bubble is about to burst, from what she told me on Sunday night. I hope they work it out though. They are a good couple. And i do love Jo, beyond the life-envy...

In less bitchy-moany news- The Boy is coming down on Tuesday! Woohoo! I can't wait.

The Co-Dependency Trap...

2007-09-30T06:13:00.000-07:00

Last night, whilst doing my NightLine duty (NightLine is like a Samaritans type service for students, run by students...) i got to reading a book called The Co-Dependency Trap or something or other like that. NightLine has moved in with the student counselling service, so we now do the duties from their offices, hence why i was exposed to a shelf full of self help book crap in my hour of boredom...

Apparently, Co-Dependency is when a person does not complete their "psychological birth" which is supposed to occur in toddler-hood. (Psychological birth is the process of breaking away from the oneness with mother, and beginning to explore the world alone, whilst trusting that mother is still there if we need her...) This leads to them being unable to be a fully formed personality in their own right, and thus forming co-dependent relationships, where they rely on the other person to fulfill the missing aspects of their personality... This "affliction" supposedly affects around 98% of the American population.

My first thought was- "What a load of bollocks". Maybe i'm missing the point, but surely a degree of dependency is necessary to relationships? And life in general. No man is an island and all that. We need other people. Surely its a good thing when we have a relationship that makes us a better person? It can hardly be such an affliction if its affecting 98% of the population, can it? Are we all using our relationships as emotional crutches? Does noone form meaningful bonds with each other?

My second thought, upon reading on was- "Oh my god, i'm having a co-dependent relationship with The Boy!" I am pretty emotionally reliant upon him.

My tertiary thought was- "Actually no, this is bollocks." I am dependent on him, because i love him. I wouldn't like to think about living without him, but that doesn't mean i couldn't. I am perfectly capable of being a person in my own right thankyouverymuch.

Tsk. I hate stuff like that. Reading garbage like that is what gives people problems in the first place.

I'm not entirely sure i want to go and have counselling, if my head is going to be filled with rubbish like that. I can't imagine being told that all my relationships are unhealthy and meaningless is going to make me feel any better about myself.

Anyway.

Apart from gaining that nugget of wisdom, NightLine was a bit of a waste of time really. Since moving base, the phones haven't been sorted out properly, and so only the external phone works. Since the majority of our calls come through the internal line... there barely seems any point in being open. The only calls we got through the external line were from one of the banned callers, who just calls repeatedly to hurl abuse at us. I think he called about 30 times in the end...

I don't have much to do today. Meeting Joey tonight, but thats not for ages. Everyone on my corridor is still being hermit-like, which is a bit boring really.

Union on Friday was good fun. Introduced Ann to Amaretto :-)

Yawn.

The Keele Update

2007-09-28T08:40:00.000-07:00

It would appear that i'm not very good at remembering to update this thing. Oh well.

I should be doing things that need doing, like ringing people to change addresses and such like. But i don't like ringing people i don't know. So it can wait.

I am back in Keele now for the new semester. I got back on Wednesday and have been futzing around doing not a lot since then really. My new room is even lovelier now that it has all my things in it, though it is much bigger than the room i had last year so doesn't quite feel full enough at the moment... The people living in the corridor seem pleasant enough. Phil, i already knew from Korfball. Andy and Heather, the couple, who seem really cool, but not overly desperate to interact, as they have each other. Which is understandable but a bit poo really. I am loathe to force myself on them as they haven't seen each other all summer and have probably been really looking forward to living together... and i would be a bit annoyed if someone kept trying to infringe on my time with The Boy... Plus i don't really know what to talk to them about! Mike, i have only seen a couple of times, seems really nice, but likes to keep himself to himself. And the last guy, i have no idea what he's called. I've only seen him once and he didn't even say hi to me (and apparently has been like that with everyone) So. Not exactly the life and soul of the party i gather. I'm sure i will be grateful for the quietness of the place in a few weeks when i'm snowed under with work. But now i'm a little disappointed. I was all geared up to be sociable and nice and make new friends. But noone else seems bothered. Sigh.

As such, i have spent most of my time since getting here with Katie and Ruth. Which is nice, i'm glad that they're here, but i do rather get the impression that they prefer each other to me... and three may become a crowd after a while... After unpacking on Wednesday i spent the rest of the day with them and then had an early night. I was invited out by Andy and Heather but i was too scared to go in the end, as they had other friends over who were rather loud and scary... I wish i had gone though, it might have helped with the making connections business. Plus they knocked on my door before they went, and the scary friends were actually really nice as well... But then i most probably would have just spent the whole night feeling like a spare part and gone home early. So i cut out the middle man and just went to bed. Yesterday i had a meeting with my personal tutor, which was mostly about my placement in the end, and then went to my first Clinical Pathology lecture, which turned out to be an "introductory" lecture. So 20 whole minutes of being blathered to about knowing how to do literature searches then... Went into Hanley afterwards with Katie and Roo to pick up my beautiful boots which i ordered a few days ago. I'm not even going to try and justify spending £75 on them. They are just beautiful and i needed to have them. I may well be homeless by Christmas, but at least my feet will look nice... I bought a jumper as well, which was tres naughty. For someone who is worried about affording her accommodation this year, i shop an awful lot. Then yesterday evening was the first Korfball training session of the year, which i actually really enjoyed. Probably because next to the Freshers i actually look half decent at it. I was considering quitting but i think i'm going to give it another couple of weeks. I still don't appreciate being forced into being Club Secretary, and not even being told what i'm supposed to do still! But we shall see.

Today i have been to the supermarket and spent an outrageous amount on food, which hopefully means i won't have to go shopping for a long time now. Tonight i am going to the Union with Katie, Roo and Ann. Hopefully Andy and Heather will come too, and then i can feel as though we are making an effort.

I'm not missing The Boy as painfully as i thought i would. I know it has only been two days, but i am quite capable of missing him if we so much as spend an evening apart... I suppose i have been pretty busy though, so not much time for missing really. I miss snuggling up to him in bed the most. Sigh. Tuesday night we were meant to be having a meal and wine, going to the cinema and having the obligatory rampant sex, in preperation for our fortnight apart. Instead he cooked, gave us food poisoning, and we spent the evening in bed groaning and trying not to move very much... Typical eh. Very funny in hindsight. And at least we got plenty of snuggling up done. Hehe.

Can't think of anything else right now.

YAY!!

2007-09-20T05:42:00.000-07:00

Finished stupid placement forever! Woohoo!

Tour went fine which is a biiiiiig relief!

And now i am free to return to my life of student dossing!

Yay!

I'm quite bored now though, having finished work so early. I could go straight home and jump into bed with The Boy but unfortunately i arranged to meet Jo tonight, about a week ago. And it would be rather rude of me to cancel on such short notice. She would blatantly do the same to me, but hey. I'm too nice. I text Roo some general Yay-can-i-come-round-ness, but she hasn't replied yet. Sob.

Can't wait to go home. Its just too weird being in this block on my own. Although i'm almost ninety nine percent certain there is one other person living in here somewhere as well... i just have no idea where... the place is so bloody big!

Yay!

Nervous

2007-09-19T10:39:00.000-07:00

Lots of things have happened in the past couple of days. I can't really be bothered writing about them, but here goes anyway. I went home at the weekend... even though i was meant to be being brave... But i finished work at 2pm on Friday and couldn't face the thought of nearly three whole days on my own. Plus The Boy was skiving work with a throat infection, so we got more time together than we shoould have done. We went out on Saturday night to see Eris play at The Snooty, and then we went round town with Boy's work friends. I was determined not to be left in a corner as usual so made a really big effort with all the Eris guys and I ended up getting on pretty well with Boy's female colleagues so ended up having a really good time. I was quite proud of myself!

On Monday i moved into my swanky new W block room. *Note to self: carrying a case, three bags and a laptop across campus, alone, in the pouring rain, is not a recipe for happiness. But at least i'm out of the stink hole that is Hawthornes now. I'm all alone in the block at the moment, which is more than a little disconcerting... the place is bloody enormous and full of random, terrifying noises. It feels incredibly strange to be living in a student block alone. I'm actually looking forward to everyone else getting here. It will be strange to have to get to know a whole new set of people again, but i've decided it doesn't matter hugely if we don't get on so well, since i still have Roo and Katie. As long as they're bearable, i'll be happy. And at least i won't have to share a bathroom with any of them : )

Actually, nothing much apart from that has happened. Went round to Roo's again for a bit last night which was lovely, and also met up with Ann for a bit in the pub. We always seem to end up talking about Dave and his "issues", which is slightly disconcerting, but she's a nice girl. It'll be good to get to know her better.

The Lab Tour of Doom is tomorrow. I've been doing practise tours all week and to be perfectly honest am bored rigid of them right now... but in a few hours it will all be over. Can't wait! I'm not quite as ecstatic as i imagined i would be to finish placement, but then i think that is probably more a symptom of the fact that i appear to be clinically incapable of being happy about anything at the moment. Or maybe the excitement is just masked by nerves... who knows. My assessor is Joey's training officer from Stafford, so hopefully he will be nice. I'm sure she would have mentioned it if he wasn't...

Feeling really down at the moment. Just want to crawl into bed and stay there for a few years. Not quite sure why, but i am sure that this is not a good road to be going down, especially at this point in the year.

I miss The Boy a lot.

Nearly the weekend- woot!

2007-09-13T12:14:00.000-07:00

Got a letter from accommodation today- i am being allowed to move into my proper room on Monday, so they can get this block ready for the freshers coming on Saturday. This makes me very happy! Not only is it going to be a whole lot swankier and cleaner and actually on campus, but it also means i can leave some bits and pieces behind, so theres less stuff to lug back on the train after my placement and subsequently bring back again when i come with Dad... Yay. It sounds as though everyone else living in the block is going to be moving in on the fresher's Saturday (i.e. the day after i go home after placement...) so its a bit annoying that Dad can't move me in until the Wednesday after that. I really could do with being there involving myself in all the social type activities and getting to know more people. I hope that by the time i get there, everyone else hasn't already got to know each other and gotten all clique-y... because that would just be unbearable... I can't bear another year like that. I'm determined not to be Miss Social Anxiety this year, i'm going to make more friends and have fun.

Another happy thing- Roo text me out of the blue on Monday night to tell me that she was on campus already! She has previously told me that she was moving in on the 8th but for some reason i thought she wasn't anymore.... but anyway, she did! And she's here! Woop! Went over to her new place for tea on Tuesday night. Its really nice, despite being in Horwood. Its been all done up for the Postgrads. She is living with loads of other PGCE students and they all seem to be getting on amazingly well already, which makes me slightly worried/ jealous? I don't know. Im just concerned about losing her. I'm her best friend Me! Not you! Argh. I'm such a freak. They all seemed really cool girls anyway, so hopefully i can integrate myself in there as well... Roo has gone back home again for a wedding this weekend, so unfortunately i can't plant myself there for the weekend, which is a bit of a shame.

Had beverages with Joey on Tuesday night as well. As much as she annoys me with her "the-world-revolves-around-me-ness", it was lovely to see her.

Went swimming at they gym last night, so have managed to fill my time with something every evening this week, which i'm highly impressed with. I was invited out tonight by someone who i vaguely know through M. But he was going to be there too, and since i don't really know her that well, i felt a bit uncomfortable about going. So i didn't... But i've had a fairly ok lazy time tonight. This week has gone quite quickly really. Debating with myself whether to go home this weekend, or whether to be brave and stay here. I should stay here and do work, and seeing The Boy again will be extra lovely if i haven't seen him for two weeks rather than one, plus i can't really afford to go... I should probably save the money for later in the term, when i genuinely can't see him for weeks at a time due to our various commitments and i need to see him more... but meh. I probably will end up going. I miss him. And you're only young once eh.

Everyone in the lab got a massive bollocking this morning after the head scientist, Mr STD obsessive, found a half eaten chocolate bar in a drawer... it was hilarious... I know it wasn't supposed to be, and i know he had a point, it being a virology lab and everything... but its so difficult to take him seriously. Plus i think the chances of catching HIV or hepatitis from a chocolate bar are pretty minimal... I'll be glad to get away from Mr STD obsessive when this placement is over. He really is the strangest person i have ever met. And quite obnoxious with it sometimes. Being there has actually been ok for the past couple of days, as i have been shadowing a woman called Gill, who is actually half decent, and makes conversation with me.

Nothing much else to report really.

I'm getting bored of thinking of titles already...

2007-09-10T11:48:00.000-07:00

I should be working on my portfolio or my lab tour notes or something, but meh, i can't be arsed.

The lab wasn't as bad as i imagined it was going to be. Everyone is as unfriendly and ignorant as ever, but i was only left on my own with nothing to do for about an hour all day, which is quite an achievement on their part. I spent most of the day setting up (ballsing up...) ELISA plates for various things, and reading and making notes. I'm bricking it slightly about the lab tour now i have a fuller idea of how much stuff i'm supposed to waffle on about and therefore *know* about... Oh well. With any luck it will be over and done with by next Thursday and i'll get an extra day off.

I'm missing the Hot Contents, "EP launch party" tonight. Despite only being assembled as a laugh and only having about 3 original songs... they apparently have an EP now. Its going to be a right laugh and i'm missing it : ( Damnit.

Miss him.

Here Now.

2007-09-09T13:48:00.000-07:00

Well. I'm here. And i'm feeling like shit, i can tell you.

The room is not so bad. Not quite so mouldy and vile as last time. It has actually been cleaned, and the mattress and carpet are devoid of suspicious looking stains... In preperation for the freshers i suppose.

I miss The Boy already. Like, fiercely achingly so. Bearing in mind, i only left him 5 hours ago, my level of emotional dependency upon him grows ever scarier. (Of course, stupid smooching couples on trains don't help!)

I really do not want to go to work tomorrow. This fortnight just seems to be a huge yawning chasm of never ending-ness in my mind... i simply cannot envisage the end point. It can't possibly be as bad as i'm imagining... i'm just in a really low place at the moment. All i want to do is cry and / crawl into bed and not get out for a year. I'm not quite sure why this experience is having such a bad effect on me, but its not a good feeling.

On a lighter note, Mum text me earlier to tell me i had a letter from the Inland Revenue. Containing a cheque with any luck! I'm undecided what to do with the money at the moment. I can either stick it in my current account and use it as needed this semester (which may or may not end in me spending the majority of it in Topshop...), i can whack it in my ISA, or i can pay off my credit card bill with it. Not my preferred choice, but probably the most sensible. Things stand to be very tight financially this year though, and this option would mean i had no further access to the money, and it would only save me around 70 quid in minimum payments until i graduate... plus theres always the danger that i will just end up whipping out the credit card when i'm (inevitably) skint , and running up the bill again anyway... which would make the whole exercise totally pointless. I'm not sure what my financial priorities should be right now... just getting through the year i suppose. Hmm. I will ask The Boy what he thinks.

Nearly finished Queen Camilla. Need to stop reading so fast, otherwise i'm going to rather bored for the next fortnight...

ARGH I love him and i miss him! (I'm so pathetic).

Think i'll go to bed, even though i'm not really tired.

Sigh...

2007-09-08T08:27:00.000-07:00

I'm going back to Keele tomorrow, to finish my hospital placement. Needless to say i'm not relishing the prospect of two more weeks living in stinking student accommodation with noone to talk to, just so i can spend eight hours a day twiddling my thumbs in the lab. I suppose it will be worth it in the end, completing my registration portfolio before i graduate will be incredibly useful in the long run... but it really has been the most poorly organised and dull work placement in the history of work placements... i'm not sure i even want to be a Biomedical Scientist anymore... (Actually, that's just laziness talking, i don't especially want to be anything that involves getting up before eleven more than one day a week...)

Really really don't want to go! I'm going to miss The Boy so much!

On the other hand, i can't wait to go back to Keele properly, to move into my tres expensive and non-stinking accommodation and to study. Slightly nervous about living with people i don't know again, i thought i'd left all that behind in my fresher year... one major disadvantage to binning your course after the first
year and starting a new one is the leaving you a year behind your friends and housemates and thus consigning yourself to a final year of lonesomeness when they so rudely graduate... but never mind. At least Joey and Roo and Katie Bear will be around to play with. I think bullying Roo into doing her PGCE this year was the smartest thing i ever did!

I went shopping on Thursday and buggered up my budget plan yet again... I can't help myself, its just ridiculous. This summer, i was supposed to have saved £1000 and paid off my overdraft. In actual fact, i will barely have paid off my overdraft, and only if i manage to stick to the rather frugal budget i have had to enforce for the next fortnight after said shopping trip... and there is only about £500 in my ISA now. I am trying to console my self with the fact that i haven't entirely frittered my hopsital wages... i have had to pay for four weeks of temporary accommodation, and been on two holidays this summer. So with the saving and the overdraft paying, i haven't done so badly... Oh well. You're only young once...

Also... i was this week informed that the Inland Revenue owe me £350! So that kind of eases the pressure. Though i don't hold out much hope for receiving said funds for a least 6 years... and since things are going to be tight next year on account of my super posh accommodation, i shouldn't really use it as an excuse to splurge, i should stick to my budgetting and keep it for emergencies.

Anyway, I bought a sort of 50s stylee tea dress, which will look awesome with a big slouchy cardigan and skinny jeans in the autumn, and some books in the Waterstones 3 for 2 offer, as i figured they will give me something to do while i'm rotting away in Hawthornes Hall for the next fortnight (have i mentioned i'm not looking forward to going?). One of which I am currently reading- Queen Camilla by Sue Townsend, which is the sequel to her book The Queen and I. Its very funny, and i've nearly finished it.

Argh i really don't want to go! I can't get rid of this awful niggly feeling. I don't want to leave my boy.

I shall keep telling myself its going to be fine. I have my books to read, my laptop, portfolio exercises to work on, i can start going to the gym again (finally...) and Joey and Ann are around for social eventage for a
couple of nights. There's even M,
if i get desperate... It'll be fine. Fine fine fine.

*sob*

I'm feeling awfully broody at the moment. I think its a combination of seeing the film Knocked Up the other day, and the preponderance of news stories on the current "fertility crisis" that seem to be around at the moment. It makes me impatient to start making babies. Even though i want to work and travel and suchlike. I've always had a nasty feeling that i won't be able to conceive. It sounds strange and highly premature, but its true. Perhaps just a figment of my self pitying imagination eh.

My skin is really nice at the moment.

Weekend Fun

2007-09-03T05:06:00.000-07:00

The Boy rang me from work on Saturday evening to say (rather tersely...):

"Shit day. Get dressed. We're going out"

So got dressed i did. He took me to the Red Chilli restaurant for a slap up curry and a bottle of red. Tres yummy. Then we went to The Jockey for a bit. On our way home we were intercepted by the bass player from KOKaine, and so ended up spending the rest of the night in Escobar watching their gig. Which was excellent. All in all a very good evening!

Sunday we had lunch with The Boy's parents who dropped in on their way to Dover to catch the ferry for yet another holiday... It was a fairly painless experience. I think i may finally be warming to his mother. Sunday afternoon we spent having sex. Which was lovely...

The boy and i spent a lot of time discussing the future this weekend. We are toying with the idea of emigrating. Lets be honest, there is little to no reason to want to live in England anymore. The current chav/yob/benefit culture alternately makes my blood boil and me want to curl up into a ball and cry.... We are almost certainly never going to be able to afford a mortgage, and i am loathe to waste money on renting for years on end, even though the more i think about it, the less necessary it seems to own your own house these days. Of course theres the security, the equity etc, but as long as you actually want to live in a house, you're never going to benefit from the financial side of owning the house. The only people who benefit are your offspring... when you die... But then, the current obsession with "buy to let" properties means that you would pay more than a mortgage payment in rent per month anyway. And i'm damned if i want to spend the rest of my life lining someone elses pockets for no gain of my own... I would love for The Boy and i to own our own house. But in the current climate, and taking into account his total incapability of saving money... i think the chances
are against it happening
any time soon. Anyway... we're thinking Canada or France as serious possibilities. For no particular reason other than we like the sound of it. Also I would love to live in New York if only for a year or so. Emigrating would be terrifying, but i kind of like the idea of being slightly nomadic. Even though we've done no research or planning... i'm excited at the possibility of it. I love being able to talk about the future with The Boy.

Blah...

2007-09-01T08:27:00.000-07:00

Good God I'm bored...

Came over to stay at the Boy's a day early, before something horrible happened to Demonchild... But he is working all day today, so i'm bored and lonesome... sob.

Demonchild even manages to annoy me when she isn't here. Her most recent slights keep popping up in my head and i'm having to struggle to resist the urge to break things. Namely her face. All this aggression can't be healthy. I think perhaps i'm not quite de-crazed yet... That's another reason to look forward to going back to
university... when i get back i can register with the student counselling service. I'm not sure how helpful it will be, but it beats going back on the crazy pills.

I went into town earlier to have a look round and attempt to stave off boredom. I saw lots of lovely things to stock my winter wardrobe up with, but i managed to restrain myself. It is only August after all. And i am skint. I still bought a top though. But it was in the sale...

I really need to reign this shopping addiction in., but meh, its fun. And there are surely worse ways of expressing my lack of self esteem...

I discovered earlier that i am still minorly attracted to M... The less said about that at the moment the better, i think.

I am mucho looking forward to drinking the bottle of wine sitting in the fridge later.

Sigh. Wish The Boy would hurry up.

Yawn

2007-08-30T07:04:00.000-07:00

Yawn. Two long nothing-filled days until i see the boy again. Within minutes of arriving home The DemonBitch from Hell made me want to kill her, by being her usual nasty and vindictive self. There isn't a font big enough to express the level of hatred i currently feel towards that child. Euch.

Went to see the Eris and Inamba gig on Tuesday night, which was fun. The Boy brought one of his workmates with him, who seemed nice. I'm glad he has some decent people to work with now, he seems much happier for it. We went for a picnic in the park yesterday, which was all lovely. We managed to only argue for 30 minutes out of the day also, which is quite an achievement i feel!

Bored now.

Ten Reasons...

2007-08-25T05:14:00.001-07:00

Ten reasons why i need to start writing this diary before my head explodes...

One: The Boy. I love The Boy. A ridiculous amount. I want to spend every minute of every day with him. So much so that it seems kind of... unhealthy, i think would be the right word. Besotted, infatuated etc. It leads me to wonder whether i love him, or whether he's just a symptom of my general fucked-up-ness...

Two: Despite this fierce love, lately all we do is argue... which is never a good sign. I know its my fault because i'm a clingy awful bunny boiler of a girlfriend. I'm also impossible to please and need constant sources of entertainment, otherwise i go mad and start climbing the walls with boredom. Not the personality traits of choice in a girlfriend...

Three: Its the summer holidays. I am bored. Yes, "only boring people are bored"... but thats fine by me. I am boring and i know it. At university, i'm okay. My friends are around and i have plenty of studying to do. When i'm at home i have nothing. I'm rarely able to find a job, and since the disintegration of ninety percent my pre-university friendships, i rarely have anyone to socialise with either. I'm left to focus entirely on the boy... which isn't terrible, since i hardly see him during term-time. But it makes me overly dependent on him, physically and emotionally. It makes me resent him for having friends and hobbies which i don't have... hence the bunny boiler-ness... hence the arguments....which is just, well, pathetic.

Four: Most of the friendships i had in college, i don't have anymore. At the time, they were so perfect, we were so completely on each other's wavelengths and we had a lot of fun times together. I know it happens to everyone, but after leaving for university; we drifted, kept insufficient contact, and now have little in common. I suppose its just my irrational mind, but i get the impression they don't care. This feeling is enhanced by the fact that many of them kept contact with each other, just not me. Rationally thinking, i know its my own fault. I immersed myself in university and boyfriends and work and so i missed out. I try to keep contact now, to organise meetings, but with little success. Since being at university, i've never really found adequate replacements for these friendships. I have a few close friends but not like before. People at university seem very disposable. One minute they are your flat-mate and best friend, and the next you haven't spoken to each other for ten weeks, and neither of you really care. I find the constant adjustment processes of moving from university to home and back again, difficult to handle, and as a consequence, seem to belong to neither scenario properly. When i'm at home, i seem to feel as though i'm in some kind of limbo, waiting for September for my life to start again.

Five: As i said, i'm boring. The Boy, however, is not. He has friends, hobbies, work... I feel under constant pressure to be going somewhere with someone to do something exciting, all the time. Just to prove to him that i'm not such a sad affair after all.

Six: The DemonBitch from Hell. Otherwise known as my youngest sister. Once upon a time, she idolised me, adored me. Then one day, for reasons known only to herself, she woke up and decided she hated me. Obviously this is somehow my fault (The mother) and i should just rise above it (The mother). And even though she treats me like the metaphorical piece of SHIT on her shoe, I should be nicer to her because i don't understand how difficult it is to be the youngest, and i am psychologically damaging her (The Mother). She is rude and nasty and spiteful and vindictive, and most of the time i would quite like to smash her smug, stupid little face against a wall. Instead, i have to live with her. (Another con of not being at university). My mother is a whole category of her own, but if i start writing about that now, i might be here forever.

Seven: Sometimes (see above) i can be quite aggressive. I only think aggressively. But still.

Eight: A year and a half ago, my libido disappeared. Seemingly never to be seen again. I took the crazy pills, i stopped taking the crazy pills, but still libido = AWOL. (I'm also still pretty crazy... evidently) This makes me incredibly depressed. Not only am i a psycho boiler of a girlfriend, but i also never want to have sex. Could i actually be The Worst Girlfriend Ever (tm) ? It also makes me feel woefully inadequate, less of a woman even.

Nine: I have the skin of a fourteen year old. Its far from pleasant.

Ten: I'm quite impressed i've managed to make this exactly ten. I had my third ever hangover last weekend. Which i think makes me officially old.

Uno

2007-08-21T06:05:00.000-07:00

I've decided to start blogging again. I haven't written since Diary-X imploded, taking my self indulgent rambles with it... Its hard to know where to start really.